Hi Jason! Okay, here's another one I did over Thanksgiving weekend (Boy was I bored). There's a reference or two, to your Liam Smith Show which I love! Hope you don't mind, I didn't steal anything outright. LOL. Imitation is the best form of flattery. I copied it from windowworks, so I hope it shows in email all right.Hope you like it!
Thanks!

 
**********
A total ripoff of certain movies, certain characters, certain video
games, certain internet sitcoms.
Rated PG-13 for lots of bad language. I should be ashamed. Whatever.You
want lame? Here's lame. Enjoy.
 
**********
 
Quinn and the others are walking across Golden Gate Park, having just
jumped out of the vortex.
 
Quinn: Well, here we are.
 
Wade: Good observation. (whispers to herself) Moron.
 
Rembrandt: Do you think we could catch a cab and go get some lunch?
 
Professor: That's a wonderful idea, Mr. Brown. (rubs belly in
	anticipation and smiles)
 
Quinn: But we just had a late breakfast twenty minutes ago.
 
Rembrandt: Gee, was it THAT long ago?
 
Quinn and Wade look disgusted. A cab swerves over to pick them up. It's
Pavel.
 
Pavel: Need a lift, my friends? (thick Russian accent)
 
Rembrandt: I always say, if you're gonna live in America, ya gotta learn
	to speak the language!
 
Pavel: That WAS the language. (whispers to himself in Russian) Moron.
 
Quinn: Okay, take us to the Dominion. (looks cheerful)
 
Wade: What are you smiling at?
 
Quinn: I was just thinking, so many people like to write fan fiction
	which includes me getting  some sort of head injury. I really
	think I'm gonna escape it this time!
 
The cab pulls away from the curb. A car driven by Conrad Bennish Jr.
smashes into the cab. Quinn who is sitting up front because the back
seat is full and then some, flies forward and hits his head on a green
day-glo sun visor attachment.
 
Quinn: Thwock.
 
Bennish: Oh, shit. (hides joint under the driver's seat)
 
He gets out of his car. Quinn is sitting there bleeding all over the
place. 
 
Quinn: (dazed) Are we there already?
 
Wade: Don't just stand there! Go call him an ambulance!
 
Bennish walks over and looks at Quinn. 
 
Bennish: Okay, dude, you're an ambulance. (he looks at the others
	wondering what purpose  that served)
 
Professor: I'll go do it myself. Blasted idiot
 
The ambulance comes and takes Quinn to the hospital. The others follow
in the cab. The paramedics rush him into an examining room to stitch up
his head. Five burly orderlies have to hold him down while the doctor
sews his head up.
 
Quinn: (kicking and fighting) AAAAAAHHHHH! That hurts!
 
Wade: Wait a minute, isn't he supposed to have a local anesthetic first?
 
Doctor: Local? Damn, I knew I forgot something!
 
The Sliders, the doctor and entire emergency crew break up laughing. All
except Quinn, that is. He's looking at the pretty woman dressed like a
hooker, standing in the corner.

Quinn: Hey, who are you?
 
Pretty woman: Hi. My name's Julia. I'm your guardian angel. Boy, you
	look like something out  of Night Of The Living Dead. Yuck.
 
Quinn: Guardian angel? But you look like a...
 
Pretty woman: So? I have a moonlighting job. You got a problem with
	that?
 
Quinn: Uh...no. I guess not.
 
The others stop their laughing and look at him as he talks to the empty
corner. 
 
Wade: (slaps Quinn across the face) Hey! Snap out of it! There's nobody
	there!
 
Pretty woman: Geez. Is she PMS'ing or what? I'm outta here. (walks
	through the wall and  disappears)
 
Quinn: No! Don't go...I wanted to talk to Bopper! 
 
Paramedic: Bopper? That's a stupid name.
 
Professor: Indeed. (looks at Quinn crying and reaching his arms out
	toward the empty corner)  Blasted idiot.
 
**********
 
Later, the Sliders are walking downtown. They pass a flowerbed. 
 
Quinn: Ooh! Look! Are those fairies? I thought they didn't really exist!
	(he runs into the  flowerbed and starts trying to catch them) 
 
The others stand there and watch him grabbing at empty air.
 
Rembrandt: Maybe we should call the nice guys with the comfy straight
	jacket? (the others nod, to Wade) Can I have thirty-five cents?
 
Wade: No. You already owe me seven dollars and fifty cents. From a month
	ago.
 
Rembrandt: Damn. Professor?
 
Professor: No.
 
As they stand there arguing about who is going to call the padded wagon,
Quinn comes back over.
 
Quinn Guess what I just found out?
 
They look at him curiously.
 
Wade: What?
 
Rembrandt: What?
 
Professor: What?
 
Quinn: Fairies poop. Like birds. (wipes his hand on his shirt)
 
Wade: Ewww. 

The others look disgusted.
 
Quinn: What are we going to do now?
 
Rembrandt: I know what I'm NOT going to do, like shake your hand.
 
The padded wagon pulls up. The other Sliders look nonchalant and Wade
starts whistling, a little too casually. The nice guys pile out.
 
Nice guy #1: (smiling) So what's the problem here, folks?
 
Quinn: No problem. I was just enjoying looking at the fairies.
 
Nice guy # 2: Uh huh. (looks at and whispers to #1) I thought we were
	going to keep our  relationship a secret!
 
Nice guy # 1: (whispers back) I didn't tell anyone! I swear!
 
Rembrandt: Guys, uh...don't you have a job to do here?
 
Nice guy #2: Oh, right... (looks at Quinn) How's about a little ride?
	I'll let you beep the horn.
 
Quinn: I'm sure you would. No thanks. (walks off)
 
Wade: (in disgust and exasperation) NOW what are we going to do?
 
Nice guy # 1: Well, don't look at us. They don't require us to *chase*
	loonies anymore. My life  insurance doesn't allow it anyway.
 
Nice guy # 2: Neither does mine. Hey, you got Metlife too? I love their
	rates!
 
They climb back into the padded wagon and leave. The Sliders follow
Quinn because there is nothing else to do. He is standing in a fountain
now, in the center soaking wet and his teeth are chattering.
 
Quinn: There's a dead body!
 
Rembrandt: Everybody knows that. It's your most famous line. Pathetic or
	not.
 
Quinn: But it was trying to get me! I'm safe here! It doesn't like
	water!
 
Rembrandt: Why not?
 
Professor: Why not?
 
Quinn: (climbs out of the fountain) How the hell would I know? YOU ask
	it that. I'm leaving  before it comes back.  (the Twilight Zone
	theme begins to play, following along with him  as he walks away
	again)
 
Wade: Wait, where are you going now?
 
Quinn: To get a hotel room. Duh.
 
Rembrandt: No more dead bodies, Q-Ball?
 
Quinn: (looks around, speaks to Remmy as if he were a child) I don't see
	any. Do you?
 
Rembrandt: Uh...no.
 
Quinn: Okay then.
 
They walk to a hotel and enter. It turns out to be the one from Acid
Rain world. They are the only guests, of course.
 
Quinn: I feel like someone's missing.
 
Rembrandt: You do?
 
Quinn: Yeah. I keep getting the words 'Farm Boy' in my head. And empty
	space. What do you  suppose that means?
 
Rembrandt: Oh, that's..., (stops himself from jumping ahead three
	seasons, mumbling) I dunno.
 
Wade and the Professor look at Quinn. He is now moving his hands in
front of his own chest, as though he's measuring large invisble breasts.
He looks completely confused.

Professor: Maybe we should take him upstairs to lie down.
 
Rembrandt: Be my guest. I ain't going anywhere near him.
 
Wade: Me neither (shudders)
 
Quinn: IT'S IN ROOM 315! (runs upstairs)
 
Female hotel owner: (Sarcastically) Would you folks like a room or what?
 
Rembrandt: Uh...yeah.
 
Female hotel owner: Keep the nutcase under control, would you? Not that
	I have any other guests to worry about, of course. He might scare
	my parakeet.
 
Wade: Sure.
 
They go upstairs after Quinn while Remmy gets a room. Quinn is trying to
open the door to room 315, but it won't open no matter how hard he hits
it.
 
Quinn: (banging on the door with his shoulder) Ow. Ow. Ow. Shit. Open
	sesame. Ow. Damn.  The door won't open!
 
Professor reaches down and turns the knob. The door opens. 
 
Quinn: Great. Why didn't I think of that?
 
Wade: Because you're an idiot genius?
 
Quinn: That's right...what was your name again?
 
They enter the room. There is a blue vortex swirling in the middle of
it. The suction has kept the room completely dust-free for the past two
years. 
 
Wade: Wow. I have to remember that cleaning trick.
 
Professor's stomach: GRRRROOOWWWL. (the writer couldn't come up with any
	lamer fat jokes than have already been applied by others)
 
Wade: What the hell was that?
 
Rembrandt: Allright! Time to eat! Let's head to Faye's!
 
Wade: You mean where they had those horrible fake hamburgers and
	everything was sterile?
 
Rembrandt: No, that was Bob's Big Boy. 
 
Wade: Oh. Right.
 
They pull Quinn away from the vortex and go to Faye's. This Faye's is a
big cafeteria-style eatery.
 
Quinn: I feel so strange. Time for a song. (he spots a dark-haired
	waitress across the restaurant. He jumps up on a table and begins
	to waltz his way around the large room on the table tops, singing
	'I Think I Love You' stentorian. Dishes and food fly everywhere
	and angry people shout and swear at him. He finally arrives where
	she is standing watching  him but instead of smiling she pulls out
	a bottle of pepper spray and shoots him in the face. She walks
	away as he falls off the table screaming in agony)
 
Waitress: Wacko. (she goes into the kitchen)
 
Restaurant manager: What the hell is going on out there?
 
Waitress: This is the third weirdo who's done that in the past month. I
	quit. (she throws down  her apron and starts to walk out the door)
 
Restaurant manager: Wait...uh, Susan!
 
Waitress: Sidney. Bye.
 
Restaurant manager: (watches her leave) That's a stupid name.
 
The Sliders pick Quinn up off the floor and drag him outside.
 
Rembrandt: Dammit.
 
Professor: Dammit.
 
Wade: Right. What you guys said. (she slaps Quinn across the face)
	Idiot.
 
Quinn: Oooooooooowwwwww. (holding his still-smarting eyes)
 
His vision finally clears and they go look for another restaurant. On
the way a van pulls up to the curbside with a bunch of Typical Henchmen-
type Baddies in it. The Baddies pile out and beat up everyone except
Wade, who is staring into a shop window and doesn't notice at all. The
Baddies drag Quinn into the van and leave.
 
Baddie #1: This is him!
 
Baddie #2: Who?
 
Baddie #1: That guy who could bend spoons with his mind..Yuri or Ernie
	Teller.
 
Baddie #3: I thought he was dead.
 
Baddie #2: I thought he was a lot older than this guy, anyway?
 
Baddie #1: Who cares. The boss will be happy.
 
They all smile and start mentally spending their bonus checks. Baddie #4
is driving. He cuts down a road leading to the Gastronomics
International-owned top secret research laboratory but finds it's closed
due to road construction. He turns the vehicle around and drives for
three or four blocks trying to find a way in. All the roads are closed
or one way.
 
Baddie #4: DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
 
Baddie #2: (pokes his head up front) Remember, I get to fine you for
	every cuss word. You're up to thirty-five dollars and seventy-five
	cents now. 
 
Baddie #4: (whispers to himself) Kiss my ass.
 
Baddie #2: I heard that. Thirty-six.
 
**********
 
Later, Quinn wakes up in a cell in the laboratory.
 
Quinn: Owww...my head.
 
Mysterious but cheerful voice from next cell: Hi-de-ho, neighbor!
 
Quinn: Who's there?
 
M.B.C.V.F.N.C.: Hi, I'm Flippo F. Clown. Who are you?
 
Quinn: (amnesiac) Can't remember...Yuri something. What kind of a name
	is Flippo?
 
Flippo: I'm the good double of that crazy but fun clown from the Liam
	Smith show.
 
Quinn: What are we doing here?
 
Flippo: I'm here to honk noses and provide wholesome comic relief. You
	get to bend spoons.
 
Quinn: (confused) Bend spoons?
 
Flippo: Yeah. Without using your hands. Or they'll kill you. (happily
	honks his own nose)
 
Quinn: (worried) How do you know that?
 
Flippo: They talked about it all the time you were being brought in
	here. Sometimes when you're  a clown they act as if you don't
	exist. (followed by a sad, deflated nose honk)
 
Quinn: Damn. Must be rough.
 
Flippo: You got it.
 
The laboratory door opens and a bunch of people walk in. Baddies 1-3, a
guy about Quinn's age, and a bald, middle-aged man with a huge handlebar
moustache who is dressed in black. The man, not the moustache. He's
carrying a rather large iguana.
 
Bald man: (to Quinn) I'm Dr. Nogoodnik, the paternal first cousin of
	that crazy but fun Dr. Evil from your dimension. And this is my
	son Tony.
 
Tony: Hi.
 
Quinn: Hi.
 
Dr. N: And this is Mister Higgleswell. (holds up iguana, who looks
	bored)
 
Mister Higgleswell: ....
 
They all stare at each other for five minutes.
 
Dr. Nogoodnik: (clears throat) Yuri, I guess you know why we brought you
	here.
 
Quinn: (playing dumb) To bend spoons?
 
Dr. N: (sorry, writer is tired to typing so many letters) Yeeessss. And
	with your help I will take over the world.
 
Quinn: Lemme see if I got this right. By bending spoons I will help you
	take over the world?
 
Dr. N: Yes.
 
Quinn: Do ya wanna explain that a little more specifically?
 
Tony: Moron.
 
Quinn: Me?
 
Tony: No, the fat bald geek of a helluva fine gentleman who pays my rent
	for me. Yes, you.
 
Quinn: (more confused than ever) ...what?
 
Dr. N: You are my key to getting into the most guarded place on earth.
	Fort Knox. With those  riches we could hold the world hostage.
 
Tony: We're already rich, you idiot. Why do you need Fort Knox?
 
Dr. N: Shut up, Tony. I'm rich, not you. You're just spoiled.
 
Tony: But...
 
Dr. N: Hush!
 
Tony: He's just going to...
 
Dr. N: What do you do with a ziploc bag? You zip it!
 
Tony: Don't be...
 
Dr. N: (to Baddies) Kill him. I'm not going through all THAT crap like
	my cousin does.
 
The Baddies drag Tony away kicking and screaming. A couple of gunshots
are heard and then silence.
 
Dr. N: Okay, now, Ernie...
 
Quinn: Yuri.
 
Dr. N: Whatever. You are going to start fine-tuning your telekinetic
	abilities to strengthen them  for my global conquest.
 
Quinn: But...
 
Dr. N: (whistles)
 
Quinn: (a Baddie with a gun just inches from his nose). When do I start
	bending?
 
**********
 
Later, they drag Quinn back to his cell and throw him in.
 
Flippo: Hi-de...
 
Quinn: SHUT UP!
 
Trippo: Didn't go so good out there, did it?
 
Quinn: No.
 
Flippo: Well, look at the bright side...
 
Quinn: WHAT bright side?
 
Flippo: At least you won't be here long.
 
**********
 
The other Sliders are sitting in their hotel room, battered and bruised.
All except Wade that is.  She's watching television.
 
Rembrandt: (trying to move a dislocated shoulder) Oooowww.
 
Professor: (dabbing at a still-bleeding nose) I think it's broken.
 
Wade: You guys are such big babies. Geez. Be quiet so I can hear the tv.
	(turns the volume up)
 
There is a noise at the door. They look just in time to see a note being
slipped under it, then fading footsteps.
 
Wade: Remmy, go get that for me.
 
Rembrandt: I don't think I can move. Maybe we should call a doctor.
 
Wade: (gets up, disgusted) All right, I'll get it myself.
 
She goes to pick up the note, unfolds and reads it. 
 
Professor: Well, what does it say?
 
Wade: Wait a freakin' moment! (still reading) It says Quinn was
	kidnapped by an evil doctor  and the author of this note will die
	a horrible bloody death for cluing us in.
 
Rembrandt: That's terrible!
 
Professor: (has head back trying to stop his nose from bleeding) Mmmph.
	Haaarrrruuummphhh.
 
Rembrandt: We gotta do something...(a loud noise out on the street
	interrupts him. Wade runs  to the window to look out)
 
Wade: Ewww. A piano fell on someone. From the eighth floor.
 
Rembrandt: Damn. Must be rough to be an expendable informant.
 
Wade: No kidding.
 
Professor: Hmmmmph. Rrruuummmppphhh. (throws a balled-up, throroughly
	bloodied kleenex  into the garbage and grabs another one)
 
Rembrandt: Hey, Wade?
 
Wade: What?
 
Rembrandt: Can we please call a doctor? Or something?
 
Wade: Oh, all right. Quit your whining. (picks up phone)
 
**********
 
Later, Quinn is back in the cubicle trying to bend spoons.
 
Quinn: Auuuuhhhhh. Uuuuuuggghhhh. (breaks out in a sweat. The spoon
	won't bend)
 
Baddie #3: Maybe this will help. (aims gun between Quinn's eyes from
	three inches away)
 
Quinn: It might. Aaaaawwwwaaagggghhhhh. (spoon starts to buckle
	slightly) HEY! Whaddaya  know! I did it! (hesitates) Was that a
	good thing?
 
Baddie #3: You bet it was. Keep practicing and maybe we'll let you live
	just a few days longer.
 
Quinn: ...darn.
 
Dr. N: (on other side of two-way mirror, rubbing one end of huge
	moustache in glee) Just  lovely...That boy's going to go far in my
	organization! (Laughs escalatingly. Looks at  Baddie, waiting for
	him to pick up on the cue, but Baddie doesn't)
 
Baddie #1: Wait, didn't you say you plan to kill him as soon as he
	breaks into Fort Knox?
 
Dr. N: (stops laughing) Oh. Yes, I forgot. I was thinking of Tony.
	(remembers he had Tony killed) Damn. Now I have to find a new
	successor!
 
Baddie #1: How about me? (hopefully) I've worked here for five years!
 
Dr. N: Sorry, you didn't finish high school. How would that look? For my
	organization? Huh?
 
Baddie #1: Damn. Kids, take heed from my example, okay? Stay in school!
 
Dr. N: (staring at Baddie #1) Riiiggghhhttt.
 
Inside the small room, Quinn is staring at the spoon, sweating rivers
	and looking like his brain is about to rupture.
 
Quinn: Grrrruuunnnntttt...(spoon starts crumpling like a pretzel)...gah!
 
Baddie #1: Gah?
 
Dr. N: Whatever it takes, my friend.
 
Quinn: (collapses out of his chair) Bonk.
 
Baddie #1: I think he's worn out. And I bet he smells after all that
	sweating.
 
Dr. N: You want to know what I think?
 
Baddie #1: What?
 
Dr. N: I think he's worn out. And I bet he smells after all that
	sweating. Get your lazy ass in there  and take him back to his
	cell.
 
Baddie #1: (whispers to himself) How come you don't get fined for
	swearing?
 
Dr. N: Excuse me? What was that?
 
Baddie #1: I said, how come shoes don't get shined for wearing?
 
Dr. N: (looks puzzled) Oh. 
 
**********
 
Wade, Rembrandt and the Professor are sitting in a doctor's office.
They've been waiting so long that Wade is complaining her legs need to
be shaved again already.
 
Rembrandt: Stupid HMO's.
 
Professor: (sitting with his head back and his nostrils stuffed with
	kleenex) I don't think I'll be able to bend my blasted neck back.
	Ever again.
 
Wade: (reading a copy of Family Circle) Look, here's a good recipe for
	no-fat cheescake!
 
Everyone else in lobby: (including Remmy and the Professor and nurses at
	the reception desk)  Ewwww.
 
Rembrandt: When we get done here, do you suppose we should try to get Q-
	Ball back?
 
Wade: (thinking about it)...hm.
 
Eavesdropping nurse #1 to nurse #2: Q-Ball?
 
Eavesdropping nurse #2 to nurse #1: That's a stupid name. Must be a lost
	dog they're talking  about. (they both laugh)
 
**********
 
Quinn: Owwwww...my head.
 
Flippo: You have a really big vocabulary.
 
Quinn: SHUT UP!
 
Flippo: Like I said.
 
**********
 
Later, Wade, Rembrandt and the Professor are searching for clues to find
out where Quinn might have been taken to. They start in the hotel room
where the note was slipped under the door. Wade is inspecting the hall
floor for anything left by the dead expendable informant's shoes. She is
crawling around on her hands and knees. Along comes a passer-by.
 
Passer-by: Whadja, lady, lose a contact lens or something?
 
Wade: No, actually I was about to start barking and want to bite someone
	in the groin. BAD.
 
Passer-by runs away. She continues crawling around and finally locates a
small piece of black road tar which must have come dislodged from the
expendable informant's shoe tread. She picks it up excitedly and runs
into the room. The note is spread out and the road tar crumb placed next
to it.
 
Wade: I HAVE it!!
 
Rembrandt: Have what?
 
Wade: I know where Quinn is! He's in a top secret laboratory owned by
	Gastronomics  International.
 
Professor: I know that place! It awarded me a prize for inventing the
	virtual brownie! (an apology  here, writer is babbling and a
	little out of her league) 
 
Rembrandt: How do you know that??
 
Professor: Because the award was mailed to me using their stationary!
 
Wade: It says right here on the letterhead. (looks at them. Looks at it)
	Morons.
 
Rembrandt: Fools.
 
Professor: (his neck cramps) Ow. Blasted idiots. 
 
Wade: (disgusted) You guys really understated your...I mean, it. Uh oh!
	I just remembered something!
 
Rembrandt and the Professor: WHAT?
 
Wade: Who has the timer? We forgot all about it when Bennish's car hit
	the cab!
 
Wade, Rembrandt and the Professor: D'OH! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
 
**********
 
Quinn: I'm tired! I can't do this anymore today!
 
Baddie #1: (levels gun at him and starts to pull the trigger)...
 
Quinn: (feels his pants suddenly become warm and damp.) Oh, crap. Okay!
	Okay! (Fixes stare  onto spoon) Ggggrrrruuuunnntttt...
	uuugggrrrrnnnntttt...
 
Behind the two-way mirror (of course), Dr. Nogoodnik is mentally
planning the next stage in his attack on the world. He has the timer in
hand and is looking at it closely.
 
Dr. N: This is a remarkable piece of work! A cellular phone with a
	bright neon readout! Not  spinach-colored like Gameboys are!
 
Baddie # 2: Does that mean I can have Tony's old Gameboy?
 
Dr. N: No. Next, we'll go to Fort Knox, where he will be dressed up as a
	pizza delivery guy or else an  average Joe who goes around selling
	circular toilet bowl fresheners...or  something like that.
 
Baddie #2: (watching Baddie #1 shove the gun up Quinn's nose every time
	he tries to take a rest  from bending spoons) Why does HE get all
	the breaks?
 
Dr. N: Because he's been with the organization for five years. He knows
	just how I like my pants pressed. 
 
Baddie #2: (confused) What?
 
Dr. N: Never mind.
 
**********
 
Meanwhile, outside the Gastronomics facility...
 
Rembrandt: Well, here we are.
 
Wade: Why does that sound so ridiculously familiar?
 
Rembrandt: Now, how do we get in?
 
Wade: Well, we could concoct a stupid and useless plan which involves
	dressing you up in  womens' clothing, or...
 
Rembrandt: Or?
 
Wade: That's all I could think of.
 
Professor: (whispering to himself) Blasted idiots.
 
Rembrandt: What was that, Professor?
 
Professor: I said, plastered end cuts. (looks innocently at them)
 
Wade and Rembrandt: Oh.
 
Rembrandt: Maybe we could try scaling the fence?
 
Wade: Or knocking out some guards and stealing their uniforms?
 
Rembrandt: But in order to do that we'll hafta climb the fence first.
 
Wade: Not if we start with those two. (thumbs at two guards just driving
	back up with a carload  of doughnuts and cappucinos for the entire
	support staff inside)
 
Guard #1: (complaining to guard #2) How come they never give US any
	parties?
 
Guard #2: Boff. (Rembrandt knocks him out cold)
 
Guard #1: Boff? (turns to look at his partner. Wade hits him with a
	conveniently placed brick. He  falls over in the seat)
 
Wade: Okay, now get their uniforms on.
 
Rembrandt: Damn, you sure bossy girl.
 
Wade: I have to be. I have to be three times better than any of you
	because I'm a girl who just  wants to be treated like...(her voice
	trails off) What was I saying again?
 
Rembrandt: You were saying we are three times better than you?
 
Wade: Oh. Right. (looks confused)
 
Professor: Ugh. Stretch. Groan. Sucking in.
 
Wade: Omigod! His uniform's too small! OW! (button pops off and nails
	Wade in the eye)
 
Rembrandt: Maybe we could pass him off as a old bearded stunt double for
	John Candy?
 
Wade: (holding eye) Maybe?
 
**********
 
Meanwhile, inside the facility, Dr. Nogoodnik has finally allowed Quinn
to take a shower before he is thrown back into his cell.
 
Flippo: (honks nose cheerfully) You sure smell better!
 
Quinn: Thanks. Thanks a whole lot, Frippo.
 
Flippo: Flippo.
 
Quinn: Whatever. (He looks up and sees his pretty woman guardian angel
	is standing looking at  him through the  bars. She is accompanied
	by a medium sized dog)
 
Pretty Woman: Hi again! You sure look better than the last time I saw
	you!
 
Quinn: BOPPER! 
 
Flippo: Bopper?
 
Bopper: Gruff. (he lifts his leg on the cell bars and in the process
	also douses Quinn's pants leg))
 
Quinn: Dammit! Same old Bopper. I forgot all about that. Why we never
	looked for him when he  ran away. It's all coming back to me now!
	And my name isn't Yuri! It's...
 
**********
 
Wade: Hide, dammit!
 
She, the Professor, and Rembrandt squeeze into a tiny broom/storage
closet when the Baddies suddenly appear, coming to get Quinn out of his
cell and take him to further Dr.Nogoodnik's plan to conquer the world.
 
Rembrandt: Wait, we can't stay in here. We have to save Q-Ball!
 
Wade: Oh, that's right. I forgot.
 
Professor's stomach: gggrrroooowwwlllll...
 
Wade: Dammit, not again!
 
Rembrandt: Oh well, let's go. Wade, the Professor and I can take on the
	two carrying coffees. You get the others.
 
Wade: WHAT?
 
Rembrandt. Dammit. Oh all right.
 
They pile out of the closet and proceed to beat up all the Baddies,
leaving them in a cappucino-soaked heap on the floor. Rembrandt grabs
the gun one of them was carrying.
 
Wade: (cracks both her knuckles) Well, that's that. Let's go get
	whatever his-name-is.
 
They go looking for the area where Quinn is being held prisoner. Flippo
sees them approach through the frosted glass window on the lab door. Of
course he thinks the Baddies are back.
 
Quinn is busy watching pretty colors in the air in front of him.
 
Flippo: Hey, it was nice to know you, buddy. (pulls out a bouquet of
	paper flowers and hands it  around to Quinn's cell door. Quinn
	takes the flowers and looks at them oddly)
 
Quinn: Huh? Same here. I guess. (Throws them over his shoulder)
 
The door opens and Wade, Rembrandt and the Professor enter.
 
Quinn: No! No! I won't do it! You'll have to kill...Oh it's you guys.
	Hi.
 
Flippo: (sees Wade) Honk! Honk!
 
Wade: (holds up her fist at him) Like there's any chance of it! Lecher.
 
Flippo: Damn.
 
Quinn: What took you guys so long to rescue me?!
 
Wade: (looking at the others) Um...I dunno.
 
Rembrandt: Me neither.
 
Professor: That depends. Are you still hallucinating, my boy?
 
Quinn: (thinks about it) Yeah. Does that mean I'm not really seeing you
	then?
 
Rembrandt: (sees chance, whispers to others) Hey, that means we could
	leave and he'd never  know!
 
Quinn: What was that?
 
Rembrandt: I said, cold leaves covered with snow?
 
Quinn: (thinks about that one) Oh. Whatever.
 
Wade: (unlocking the door with keys she took from Baddie #1) Come on,
	let's get outa here!
 
Flippo: Wait, can I come too?
 
Wade: No. You're going to sexually harrass me and make my life a living
	hell. I can tell.
 
Flippo: (whispers to himself) Damn. She's right about that. (louder,
	lying) No, I promise I won't.
 
Wade: Swear to God? 
 
Flippo: (whispers to himself) Dammit, I'm going to get fried by
	lightning. I just know it. (louder)  Yes.
 
A bolt of lightning hits Flippo and leaves him a smoking, blackened,
charred corpse still sitting on the bunk in his
cell.
 
Professor: I smell bacon cooking! I have to EAT!
 
Professor's stomach: GGGGRRRROOOOWWWWLLLLL...
 
The Sliders walk out of the laboratory. They run into Dr. Nodgoodnik and
the Baddies. Two of the Baddies turn tail and run away afraid of being
beaten up by Wade again.
 
Dr. N: (watching them go) Well, they'll be getting their pink slips next
	week.
 
Baddie # 2: Uh, boss?
 
Dr. N: What?
 
Baddie #2: We're outnumbered. They're going to kick our asses.
 
Dr. N: (realizes Baddie #2 is right) Oh, SHIT! (starts to run away as
	fast as his stubby legs can  carry him) Mister Higgleswell is
	looking back at them over his shoulder as he runs.
 
Professor: (spots Mister Higgleswell) I...want...CHICKEN!
 
Dr. N: OH SHIT! (in a matter of seconds he is overtaken by Professor and
	Mister Higgleswell  winds up as nothing more than a piece of end
	tail and a few bones.
 
Professor: Belch. (thinks to himself) That could've used a little cajun
	seasoning. Oh well.
 
Dr. N: You think you've beaten me, my friends?! My low-level employees
	will chip in together  and buy me another iguana for Christmas!
	Even though I've decided to cancel the bonus  checks this year! HA
	HAaaa!
 
Baddie #2, looking at Baddie # 3: Did you hear what he just said??
 
Baddie #3: Yeah. I heard. (to Dr. Nogoodnik) Up yours. I'm going over to
	Walmart to work.  They pay better. And you get a dental plan.
 
Baddie #2: Yeah, right behind you. (they give Dr. N a disgusted look and
	walk away up the  corridor)
 
Dr. #N: Okay, fine. Go. No severance pay.
 
Baddie #3: (turns around and comes back. Dr. N starts to cower, afraid
	Baddie is going to hit  him) Hey, you remember that time someone
	stuffed a potato up your exhaust pipe?
 
Dr. N: Yeah? So?
 
Baddie #3: That was me. And on my way out I'm going to fill up your
	carburetor with sugar, let all  the air out of your tires, and key
	your doors. Just so you know.
 
Dr. N: Okay, thanks for telling me.
 
Baddie #3: No problem. (leaves)
 
The Sliders and Dr. Nogoodnik stand there and look at each other for
five minutes. Rembrandt finally remembers he has the gun and fumbles to
point it at Dr. Nogoodnik.
 
Quinn: Give me my timer back, Doctor Nothing.
 
Dr. N: That's Nogoodnik.
 
Quinn: Whatever.
 
Dr. N: You'll have to kill me fir...(whispers to himself) Wait! That's
	stupid! If I just hand it back   they'll let me walk away
	unharmed! They're the good guys! They have to!
 
Wade: Or I could just kick your ass first before you do.
 
Dr. N: (hurriedly hands it over) No...no, that's not necessary. Here.
	(he runs away)
 
Wade: What a weenie.
 
Professor: Blasted idiot.
 
Rembrandt: Chickenshit.
 
Quinn: HEY!
 
Wade, the Professor, and Rembrandt: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU!
 
Quinn: (very small voice) Oh.
 
Rembrandt: How much time is left on the timer?
 
Quinn looks.
 
Quinn: We missed the slide window five hours ago. (It takes a moment for
	that to soak in)
 
Quinn, Wade, Professor, Rembrandt: D'OH!!!
 
They exit the Gastronomics lab. Dr. N is watching them on a closed
circuit camera.
 
Dr. N: I'LL BE BACK! (thinks for a moment) Oh, I'm already here. Duh.
	Okay. JUST WAIT TILL NEXT TIME, MY FRIENDS! I'll get you and your
	little spoon-bender, too!
 

End, for now.
 
**********
 
Credits roll, so small and smeary you can't read them anyway.