Ensign Harry Kim walked into his quarters after a long night playing poker with Neelix and Tom.  He lost all his holodeck time for three weeks!  He rubbed his neck and changed to go to sleep. Just as he was about to fall into a deep and peaceful sleep, Captain Janeway shouted over the intercom, “Mr. Kim report to my ready room.” He wanted to argue, to tell her to fix the problem herself, but he didn’t dare.

“On my way Captain.” He changed into his uniform.  When he stepped into the lift Lt. Tom Paris joined him.

“Rough night Harry?”

Harry gave Tom a weak smile.  “I’ll just be glad when I can go to sleep.”

“Don’t expect that to happen to soon Harry, Janeway wants us to go on an away mission.”

“What?  What planet?” Harry asked. Before Tom can answer the lift stops on the bridge and the doors open.  Harry and Tom
go into Janeway’s ready room.

“I want you, Kim and Paris to go to the planet and see who was sending the distress call.” Janeway was telling Tuvok when they entered.  “It had a Federation signal.  Find out who’s down there, and see if they know how to get home.”

“No offense Captain, but don’t you think that if they knew how to get home they would have gone by now?  That’s probably what the distress call is for.” Paris said.

“I’m the Captain Mr. Paris.”

“Aye Sir.” Tom looked over at Harry and rolled his eyes.

Harry followed Tom and Tuvok to the transporter room.  “Three to beam down.” Tuvok ordered the ensign.  Harry felt bad for the many nameless ensigns that walked around the ship.  Most of them would die.  Especially on away missions.  An Ensign always died on away missions.  He was sure it was in the Starfleet Captain’s Handbook.  Wait!  I’m the only Ensign going!  He tried to stop the transporter ensign, but it was too late, he was already on the planet.

“Looks a lot like Earth.” Tom observed.

“You are very observant Mr. Paris.” Tuvok said.

“Do I sense some sarcasm in your voice Tuvok?” Paris joked.  He began to scan the terrain.  “I don’t see any life forms.”

“They’ll jump out and scare us.” Harry said.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because every time we don’t see anything, we get jumped.  And an ensign dies.  And who’s the only ensign on this mission?  ME!”

“Calm down Mr. Kim.  You are exaggerating.” Tuvok said.

“Janeway just sent me on this mission so she can kill me without having to promote me!” Harry shouted.  He was starting to get sick of Voyager anyway.  Always watching B’Elanna and Tom make out everywhere.  Always sensing Janeway and Chakotay’s secret feelings.  Well, they were trying to keep them secret, but everyone on the ship knew.  They met every Thursday night in her quarters, to ‘go over the logs’.  It was really rather sickening, watching those two give each other eye contact.  Even the friggin’ Doctor had a family once!  Albeit a screwed up holodeck family, but a family none the less!  And Neelix had Kes, well, he had Kes, till she died, or left…Harry wasn’t quite sure how that worked out.  He wasn’t kept in the loop on that one.  Seven of Nine had a guy once, the criminal.  And she and the doctor had that dork who fell in love with the doctor in Seven’s body.  That one was too weird.

“Quit your whining Harry, I’m sensing a life form.” Tom ordered.

Harry looked at Tom and contemplated attacking him.  Just as he decided to go for it a figure stepped out from behind a tree.
“I’m Celeste.” The woman said, walking closer to the three men.

“I’m a married man.  I’m a married man.” Tom was saying to himself.

“I’m a married Vulcan. I’m a married Vulcan.” Tuvok said to himself.

Harry smiled at the woman.  She was beautiful.  Long red hair, down to the middle of her back.  Big green eyes.  “I’m Harry, that’s Tom, and that’s Tuvok.” Harry pointed to each man.  “You’re human.”

“Why thank you!  I have been wondering what species I am for 25 years.  You have just solved my problem!” She smiled.

Harry felt his cheeks begin to burn.  “Gee Harry, can you state the obvious anymore?”

“Shut up Mr. ‘This planet is a lot like Earth’!”

“Gentleman, you both ‘shut up’ before I have to mind meld with you!”

“We could take you.” Tom said under his breath.

Tuvok asked Celeste what she was doing on the Earth-like planet.  “I stole my space craft from the Federation about five years ago.  I was just going for a joy ride when I feel into a wormhole…or a time continum…or whatever the hell it was.  Anyway, I crash-landed here.  I started the distress call as soon as I got here, and it’s been going ever since.  You’re the first people I’ve seen since I landed.”

“We can take you home.” Harry offered.

“Harry you idiot!  She’s a criminal!”

“Do you want to get hit?”

“Look at me, I’m scared!” Tom said, holding his hand out and shaking it.

Tuvok rolled his eyes.  “Celeste, we are on our way back to Earth.  It could take a long time, but we could probably take you with us, if Captain Janeway agrees.”

“I’d love that!”

Tuvok nodded and hit his com badge.  “Four to beam up.”

They energized back in the transporter room.  “I’m alive!” Harry jumped up and down.  He hugged everyone in the transporter room and started to sing, “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.” Tom punched him.

Harry woke up in sickbay.  “Where is he?” HE asked, still angry with Tom.  He was going to show that man how to treat a friend!

“If you are speaking about Mr. Paris, he is with his wife cooing over the baby she just had.” The EMH answered.

“What?  Is she ok?”

“Why wouldn’t she be?”

“She must have been born five months early.”

“She was born on time.  You have been knocked out for five months.”

“What?  How is that possible?”

“Tom can deliver a pretty nasty punch.  He’s been taking boxing lesson from Chakotay.”

“And Celeste?”

“She is fine.  We’ve set her up in your quarters.  None of us expected you to wake up again.”

“What? Why not?”

“You’re just an ensign.  You know the rules.  You were the only ensign on the away mission, and you should have been killed.  When you started singing Tom thought it was his cue to punch you.  He thought you had gone crazy.”

“What a load of crap!” Harry left sickbay and went to the bridge.  “Captain.”

Janeway turned to look at him.  “You’re back Ensign.  Take your post.” She leaned over to Chakotay and started to whisper.

“You give everyone else at least two days off to think about things, why don’t I get that too?” Harry asked.  He was getting very angry.

“I’ve given you five months!” Janeway shouted.

“I was unconscience!”

“Now you are conscience.  To your post!”

Harry obeyed.  He sighed as he walked to his post, relieving the ensign who had taken over. Wait, he was Ensign Yitly…but now…he was a Lieutenant!  “Why did you get promoted?”

“Janeway promoted all the ensigns.”

Harry smiled.  “At last!”

“Not you Ensign Kim.”

“What?”

“You disobeyed a rule and therefore are not promoted.”

“What rule?”

“The one that says ensigns are supposed to die on away missions.”

“Well for goodness sakes!” Harry shouted.

“You are dismissed Ensign!” Janeway ordered.

No argument from Harry.  He went to get something to eat.  He felt like he hadn’t eaten a thing in months.  “Give me anything
Neelix.”

“I have a new recipe I’ve been working on.”

Harry shuddered at the thought, but decided to try it anyway.  “What the hell.  Give it to me.”  He took one bite and almost passed out.  “Nevermind.”

He walked back to his quarters.  The doors didn’t open for him.  “Computer, open the doors.”

“These are not your quarters Ensign Kim.  You must ask for permission to go inside.” Was it just Harry, or was there a trace of laughter in the computer’s voice when it said Ensign?

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” He was about to leave when the doors opened and Celeste walked out.

“Harry!” She hugged him.  “I’m so glad you are all right!”

Harry noticed that Celeste had on a Starfleet uniform.  Lieutenant in rank.  He sighed.  “I’m beginning to think that I’d rather be dead.”

Celeste led Harry into her quarters and sat him down on the couch.  “Tell me about it.”  Harry proceeded to tell Celeste his sad story.  She was rather upset by it.  “That’s awful!”  She exclaimed when he was finished.

“I know.  I’ve been treated like crap on this stupid ship the whole time I’ve been here.  Unless, of course, they need me.  I’ve done so many things for this ship, and I’m just thrown away, like a piece of used garbage.”
Celeste began to play with his hair.  “You’re even cuter when you’re angry.”
Harry sheepishly smiled up at her.  He didn’t know what to say.  Every girl he’d ever gone for either tried to kill him or destroy the ship…and although he’d gladly let her destroy the ship now…with the day he’s had, she’d be out to kill him.  “I have to go.” He quickly stood up.

Just as he was about to leave Tom and B’Elanna walked through the door, holding their baby.  “Harry!” Tom exclaimed.  He tried to give Harry a friendly hug, but Harry backed off.

“What’s your problem?” He looked over at Celeste.  “Oh, she doesn’t want you?  Well, you go on and pout like you always do.”

“Tom, leave the boy alone.” B’Elanna sat next to Celeste and handed her the baby.

“I’m not a boy!  And she does want me!”

“Then why are you so glum?” Tom asked, sitting next to his wife.

“Because every time I get involved, or try to get involved with a girl something terrible happens, and I can’t take any more terrible things today.”

“Harry, she’s not an alien.  And she’s not out to kill you or the crew.  She thought you were dead, or at least as good as dead, for five months.  We all did.”

“Thanks Tom, you’re very comforting.”

“Don’t you want to know what we named the baby Harry?” B’Elanna asked.

Harry was afraid to know.  “Sure.”

“Kimberley, after our favorite Ensign.  We thought we’d honor you since you were in a coma for so long, due to Tom’s magnificent punch.” B’Elanna smiled at her husband.

Harry was taken aback.  He never dreamed that they’d name the baby after him.  “I’m honored.”

“You should be.” Tom smiled.

Harry couldn’t resist, he smiled back.  He went over to the couch and looked at the baby.  “She’s beautiful.”

“Ensign Kim to the bridge.”

“On my way.” Harry said.  He turned to Celeste, “I’d like to come back and see you again.”

“I’d love that.”

Harry smiled as he left his old quarters.  “Yes Captain?”

“I’ve been thinking, I’m promoting you.”

Harry had to think for a moment.  “You are?”

“You’ve been a good Ensign for a very long time, and it’s time to see if you can be a good Lieutenant.”

“Thank you Captain!” Harry said after she put the rank pin on his uniform.

“Now, about your quarters, you’ll have to find some others.  We can’t kick Celeste out.”

“No problem.”

“Dismissed.” Janeway waved him off, then looked over at Chakotay.

“It’s Thursday Captain.”  He told her.

“Ah, yes.  Time to go over the logs.” She smiled as Chakotay followed her to the lift.

“Mind if I go with you?”

“What?” Chakotay asked.

“In the lift I mean.”

“Of course.” Janeway said.

They all three got into the lift and got out when it got to the quarters deck.  They went opposite directions, Harry to the left,

Janeway and Chakotay to the right.

I’ve been promoted! Harry kept thinking.  He ran into Tom and B’Elanna leaving Celeste’s room.

“I see you’re a Lieutenant now.” Tom smiled.

“Yes I am.  I’m sure glad it’s Thursday.”

Tom and B’Elanna smiled, then left.  Celeste walked out into the hallway.  “I thought I heard you.  Please come back in.”

Harry followed her inside and sat down.  “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Your day just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it?”

Harry smiled.  Celeste moved closer to him and kissed him.  This wasn’t the first time Harry’d been kissed, but he didn’t know what to do about it.  Something terrible always happened at the end of the kiss and Harry didn’t want something terrible to happen now.  Celeste tried to pull away, but Harry wouldn’t let her.  After a few moments of struggle he finally gave in.  When she leaned back into the couch she blew up.  Much like the way vampires did on that 20th century series ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.  Harry sighed.  He hit his com badge.  “Captain, there’s a problem in my…I mean Celeste’s quarters.”

He could hear swearing.  “Can’t you fix it Lieutenant?” Janeway asked.

“Well, she has vanished, I mean, she just blew up.”

“Can’t you do anything right?” Chakotay asked him.

“I wasn’t talking to you tattoo boy!”

Moments later Janeway and Chakotay were in Celeste’s quarters, along with Tuvok, Tom, B’Elanna, Neelix, The Doctor, Seven of Nine, and even Icheb and Naomi.  “Does someone need to teach you how to kiss Harry?” Tom joked.

“Shut up!”

“Harry, you have killed one of Voyager’s best crewmen.  You are being demoted.”

Harry nodded his head; he saw this one coming.  “Whatever.”

“Next time you make a girl vanish, do it on any other night but a Thursday!” Chakotay ordered.

Janeway sighed.  “Might as well move back in.” She left the room and everyone followed, after a good laugh at Harry.

He sighed. At least I have my quarters back.