The Sliders/Angel Crossover!!! "The Undead, The Kromaggs and then..?." By Jesse Glaspey Author's note: This parody takes place quite a while after Sliders: Comedy Slayers yet still before season five of Sliders. This story also takes place after I had many beers. This parody is NOT rated TV-M because of language, violence and jokes about Maggie's and Cordelia's boobs. But it is rated TV-M because of Violence towards endangered species. Starring: Jerry O'Connell, David Boreanaz, Kari Wuhrer, Charisma Carpenter, Charlie O'Connell, Alexis Denisof, Cleavant Derricks, J. August Richards Also starring: Julie Benz, Christian Kane, Andy Hallett, Juliet Landau Even more starring: Jesse Glaspey, The girls from "Charmed", Benicio Del Toro, Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Probst and Vin Diesel as "Wally" Also with: Tom Arnold, Pauly Shore, Tom Green and Ryan Stiles as The Kromaggs! (We start off on another world, the Sliders are in San Francisco and just outside of some house they are talking to three young women...) Quinn: Wow. Thanks again for your help, ladies! We never would have escaped that warlock if it hadn't been for you. Piper: Well, to be honest, the warlock wouldn't have been so easy to kill had he not been so distracted by your little brother's stupidity. Colin: Hey! Pru: And who knows what would have happened had he gotten off this world and to another with your timer. Quinn: (Looking at her chest) Yeah... It would have been hell to be trapped on this world. Piper: We're just sorry Maggie and Pheobe never got along. Rembrandt: Hey, where are they? Pru: Uh-oh... (We see Maggie and Pheobe roll past The Sliders, Pru and Piper while catfighting each other.) Pheobe: BITCH! Maggie: SKANK! Phoebe: SLUT! Maggie: WHORE! (Rembrandt pulls Maggie off Pheobe while Pru just gestures and Pheobe flies back away from Maggie.) Quinn: No, Maggie! Bad vixen! Bad vixen! (Quinn starts hitting Maggie with a rolled up copy of Maxim.) Piper: (Quietly to Pheobe) Good girl. (Piper gives Pheobe a biscuit.) Colin: Um, Quinn? Quinn: What? (Hits Colin with the magazine.) Colin: Hey! The timer! Quinn: Oh. Yeah. That. (Quinn activates the timer and the wormhole opens.) Piper: Here! Before you go, take this! It's a good luck charm. (Hands Quinn something.) Quinn: (Looking at it) It's a rock. Piper: No, it's a good luck charm. Now go! (Shoves Quinn into the wormhole.) Pheobe: Here's a good luck charm for you! (Hands Colin something.) Colin: It's a piece of paper with your phone number. (Pheobe winks. It takes a couple of seconds for it to sink in. Colin finally gets it. He smiles, blushes and is about to walk into a sewer when Rembrandt stops him and directs him into the wormhole.) Maggie: (Looking at Pheobe) Grrrrr..... Double Dragon sucked! (Jumps in the wormhole.) Rembrandt: (To Pru) Brenda? Pru: (Slaps Rembrandt) Dick! (Rembrandt jumps through. The wormhole closes.) Piper: Well, now what? Pru: I'm going to go worship Jesse Glaspey. Piper: Me too. Pheobe: Been there, done that. ----- (The Wormhole opens and drops the Sliders off in a dark alleyway. Quinn, Rembrandt and Maggie get up off the ground.) Quinn: Where's Colin? (Colin is upside down in a trash can.) Colin: MMMMMmmmfff!!! Quinn: What was that? Colin: MMFFFF HMMMM!!!! Quinn: I can't hear you! Maggie: Duh! He's saying "MMFFFF HMMMM"! Rembrandt: Oh for crissakes... (pulls Colin out.) Colin: Thanks. (Rembrandt gives Colin the finger.) Quinn: What were you trying to say? Colin: "Kromaggs. Look out." Quinn: Kromaggs? Where? Colin: Hiding behind that Buick. I saw them when I came out of the wormhole. (Quinn and the others look. The Kromaggs are cowering behind a the car.) Sliders: AAHHHHHHH!!!! Kromaggs: AAAAHHHHHH!!!! Quinn: What do you Kromaggs want??? Al the Kromagg: Nothing! We were sent to go after you guys! Ted the Kromagg: But we don't want any trouble! We just want to leave! Maggie: Why? Bob the Kromagg: Because we've noticed every Kromagg that goes after you guys DIES! Marty the Kromagg: We really don't want to die! Just leave us alone! Al the Kromagg: Yeah. Go away! We'll just claim we didn't find you! Quinn: This is some kind of trick! Ted the Kromagg: No trick! Just leave us alone! Go! Rembrandt: (Steps up to Bob) Why should we trust you? Bob the Kromagg: Trust me or don't! I don't care! Get away! I'll cry rape! Joe the Vampire: Hey! Can you guys hurry it up? We want to kill you at some point! Marty the Kromagg: See! This is what we mean!!! Steve the Vampire: Feeding time!! (Joe, Steve and a bunch of vamps start attacking the Kromaggs and Sliders. All of a sudden, a dark figure drops from the sky and starts beating up the Vampires and Kromaggs.) Quinn: OMIGOD! IT'S BATMAN!!! Angel: What??? I'm not Batman! (Hits a Vampire.) Colin: Hey! It's Buffy's boyfriend! Vampires: Uh-oh. He mentioned the B-word! (Angel beats up on the Vampires and Kromaggs with even more ferocity.) Angel: We broke up! And I came to L.A. to brood and be all somber but then I ended up starting a detective agency with my friends. And I'm still fighting evil in year long story arcs! (Maggie's eyes light up and a smile forms on her face.) Maggie: So you're... single, huh? Angel: Um, yeah. I guess. Let's get you guys out of here. My car is over there. (We see Angel's classic convertable.) Maggie: Shotgun! Rembrandt: Are you sure? We all know how much you're used to the back seat! (Everyone laughs except Maggie, who replies by kicking Rembrandt in the hoohahs. They all get in the car.) Rembrandt: Hey, Angel? You're a vampire, right? Angel: Yeah. Rembrandt: And you can't go out in the sun. Right? Angel: Yeah, why? Rembrandt: So then, why do you have a convertable? (A long pause. Angel then punches Rembrandt.) Rembrandt: Sorry I asked. (Angel and the Sliders get away, leaving the Kromaggs and Vampires lying on the ground.) Al the Kromagg: (Rubbing forehead) Dammit! We didn't even DO anything! Ted the Kromagg (Picking up teeth) To bad we can't sue. Joe the Vampire: (Icing down crotch) I don't think you can sue but I think I can help. Marty the Kromagg: (Putting eye back in the socket) How? Joe the Vampire: (hands the Kromaggs a card) Call that number. (The Kromaggs look at the card, it reads "Wolfram and Hart: Attorneys at law. Making tomorrow better through today's questionably legal tactics.") ====================================== COMMERCIAL BREAK ----- UPN Announcer: Hi! After the major success of "Bad Attitude Week" on UPN with The Rock on Voyager, the network has decided to have another "Bad Attitude Week" with all your favorite WWF superstars of your favorite UPN shows! Watch! ---- STEVE BLACKMAN ON "GROWN UPS"! (Steve kicks Urkel in the chest.) ---- KANE ON A VERY SPECIAL "MOESHA"! (Kane chokeslams Brandy onto a pile of thumbtacks.) ---- THE DUDLEY BOYS ON "THE PARKERS"! Ma Parker: Mm-Hmm...Don't Go there! (Snaps fingers) (The Dudleys break her neck with a 3-d and put her through a flaming table.) ---- RIKISHI PHATU ON "STAR TREK: VOYAGER"! Tuvok: Captain! We are getting the ship too close to that black hole! Janeway: That's no black hole... That's Rikishi's ASS! ALSO FEATURING TOO COOL! (Janeway and Seven of Nine are breakdancing with Too Cool. Seven starts doing "The Worm") BAD ATTITUDE WEEK 2! Because we milk a cash cow to DEATH! ======================================= (We pick up at Angel's office/place, Angel and the Sliders walk in. Wesley and Cordelia are bickering.) Cordelia: I'm telling you for the last time, they are real! (Sees Angel and the Sliders) Oh, hi! Angel! You brought clients? Angel: No. They're those guys from another dimension we met in Sunnydale. We fought those teen heartthrobs and stuff. Cordelia: Oh! The Gliders! Quinn: Sliders! Cordelia: Whatever. Angel: Sliders, meet Wesley. Ex-Watcher/rogue demon hunter. Wesley: Greetings! And welcome to our lovely universe! I trust you have had a safe journey? (The Sliders look at one another.) Cordelia: Forgive him. He's a british weenie. Gunn: Yo, 'sup? I'm Gunn. Rembrandt: Token black guy? (Writer's note: The following will be translated into English from jive) Gunn: Word. But I got street cred. (Why, yes! But unlike you, I'm a credible person from the streets.) Rembrandt: You saying I gots no cred? (Are you saying I'm not a credible person?) Gunn: Shizzil my brizzil! (Why yes, I am!) Rembrandt: Bitch, don't make me raise up on yo! (You shouldn't make me upset!) Gunn: You all up in my grill? Step off! (You shouldn't make ME upset!) Rembrandt: You get all up in my bling bling, I will make you toss my salad! (If I get upset, I may violate you!) Gunn: Hey, ease up yo! (I apologize!) Rembrandt: True. (It's all right.) Gunn: You my dawg? A'ight! (Are we friends?) Rembrandt: I'm down. (Sure.) Colin: Ice ice baby! (I am a complete moron.) Maggie: Anyways, Angel. Is this hotel yours? (I'd hate to sleep with a poor guy!) Angel: Um. Yes. It's mine. (What the hell? Is she retarded or something?) Quinn: What the hell is going on here? (This is EXACTLY why I'm leaving the show!) Rembrandt: You're leaving the show? (Good! Then I'll be the star!) Wesley: It appears that the translation is still going. (Jesse's been drinking again.) Jesse: No, I haven't! (Yes, I have.) Cordelia: This is really stupid! (This is really stupid!) Gunn: How long until this gets fixed? (When do I get to kick some ass?) Jesse: I guess we'll just find out what the Kromaggs and Vamps are doing until we fix this. (I don't know how to end this gag so I'll just ignore it.) Wesley: That sounds very resourceful! (God, he's (BLEEP)ing dolt!) Cordelia: What-ever! (What-ever!) Maggie: Why isn't it translating Cordelia? (I bet she slept with the translator!) Angel: Probably beacuse she says exactly what she means. (She did, but she's also too stupid to say anything but the truth.) Cordelia: Hey! (Hey!) (We then cut to the offices of Wolfram and Hart. The Kromaggs are sitting in a waiting room with Darth Vader, Dr. Doom, Freddy Krueger and Cancer Man.) Al the Kromagg: Man! Would you look at this place? A law office that defends bad guys! Ted the Kromagg: Yeah, there's a foriegn concept. (Rimshot. A lovely young secretary walks up.) Candi the Secretary: Mr. MacDonald and Ms. Morgan will see you now. Bob the Kromagg: Excuse me, miss? If you don't mind me asking. you seem so normal. Why are you working here, ma'am? Candi the Secretary: I'm a man. Bob the Kromagg: Never mind. (Al, Bob, Marty and Ted go into the office and meet Lilah Morgan and Lindsey MacDonald. The Kromaggs explain their problem with the Sliders and how Angel beat them up.) Lindsey: I think we can help you four out. You see, we've had problems with Angel in the past and I think we can team up. (Lindsey goes to light a cigar and as he does he lights his prosthetic hand on fire. He doesn't notice.) Al the Kromagg: JESUS! YOUR HAND!!! Lindsey: No, no. I'm Lindsey, not Jesus. (notices his hand) GAH!!! (Lindsey waves his hand around trying to put it out, it flies off and lands on Lilah's skirt, lighting it on fire. She runs from the room screaming.) Lindsey: Anyways, We figure that if we pool our efforts we can resolve our mutual... problems. Marty the Kromagg: But we don't want to resolve anything! We just want to get out of town before we end up getting killed! Bob the Kromagg: We don't care about the Sliders! We just wanna live! Lindsey: Listen, if I say we're gonna team up, we're gonna team up. Got it? Al the Kromagg: The hell with you! We'll just take our business elsewhere! Lindsey: Who else is going to help you? Al the Kromagg: The gang from "The Practice"! Ted the Kromagg: Wait, this isn't "The Practice"? Lindsey: I can how you can get confused. People confuse me for Dylan MacDermott all the time. Ted the Kromagg: Dylan MacDermott? I thought you were the fat chick! Lindsey: Why you motherf- (Lindsey starts bitch-slapping Ted. As they're all fighting, Lilah comes in with a new skirt and Darla and Drusilla.) Darla: Boys, if you can't play nice... (Notices the Kromaggs) JESUS! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?? Lindsey: Why does everyone keep calling me Jesus? Darla, Drusilla... glad you came. We'll need your help with Angel.. Ted the Kromagg: You need THEIR help with Angel? What are they, ninjas? You need a swat team to take out that Angel guy! Darla: We're more effective than a swat team... Marty the Kromagg: What are you? (laughs) His ex-girlfriends? (A pause) Darla: Technically, yes. Drusilla: Pretty little tin soldiers, all brightly colored! (Everyone stares at Drusilla.) Bob the Kromagg: Is she high or something? Darla: She's insane. Just ignore her or nod politely. Lindsey: Okay, back to dealing with Angel and the Sliders. Here's the plan... Al the Kromagg: Commercial time already??? Drusilla: Make 7 up yours. Lindsey: (Ignoring Drusilla) No it is NOT time for a commercial. They only pull that kind of crap on the X-files! Here's the plan! Me and my group are going to bring back something from hell that can fight Angel you guys will keep Angel and the Sliders distracted. Ted the Kromagg: Waitaminute! I thought you guys were going to protect us! And now we're going head to head with Angel and the Sliders??? Lindsey: If you can hold them off long enough, we raise the ancient evil and then that will protect you! Duh! (a bit of a pause) Kromaggs: Yeah, sounds fine to us. Do you know any place to get something to eat around here? We're starved! Lindsey: Yeah. Darla! Drusilla! take them out for something to eat. Bob the Kromagg: Do you know anyplace that serves eyeballs? Darla: Burger King it is... Drusilla: My way... right away.... CAW! CAW! Marty the Kromagg: No really, is she high? Because if we could score some weed... (Darla drags the Kromaggs out of the room, Drusilla follows.) Lilah: Do you think the plan will work? Lindsey: Of course! Angel and the Sliders are good as dead! (Lilah and Lindsey start to laugh maniacally. Darla then comes back in the room.) Darla: Hey, I forgot... None of us can drive, can one of you give us a lift? (Lindsey sighs and gets his keys.) ================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK ---------- Starting this summer, ALL NEW EPISODES OF DARK ANGEL!!! We're giving you what YOU want to see! --- Max goes on SPRING BREAK!!! (Max is drinking on a bar.) Max: WHooo!!!! (Flashes a crowd) --- Max goes to MARDI GRAS!!! (Max flashes another crowd) --- Max works out!!! (Max is jumping rope in a bikini.) --- Dark Angel: Like you watch it for the stories! =============================================== (Back at Angel's place, The gang is sitting around. Quinn is pacing.) Quinn: The Kromaggs are up to something! I just know it! Rembrandt: Think they're planning to invade this world? Wesley: If they do decide that, is there any way to stop them? Maggie: Killing them seems to work! (Wesley stares at Maggie then goes back to talking.) Wesley: Is there any particular way you must kill them? Quinn: Nah. Anyway will do. Angel: So where would they go? Cordelia: Where would any invaders from another dimension go their first time in L.A.? Gunn: Should we start checking Sunset Blvd? Asking the hookers if they've had any weird customers? Colin: What's a hooker? (Everyone looks at Maggie. Maggie is about to pull out her gun when all of a sudden...) Jesse: Stop! Stop right here! Cut! Cease and desist! Angel: What the...? Quinn: huh? Jesse: I can't do it! I can't do it anymore! Rembrandt: Do what? Jesse: I can't write Colin any more! I just can't think of what to do with him! I'm erasing him and replacing him with Wade. Colin: Mommmyyyyyyy........ (Colin fades out and Wade fades in) Wade: What the... NOOOO!!! NOOO! I had another ABC series... nooo.... (Wade curls up in a ball and starts crying) Jesse: And while I'm at it, I'm sick of Wesley! I'm erasing him and bringing Doyle back! Wesley: Now wait just one second...... (Wesley fades out and Doyle fades in) Doyle: Holy (BLEEP). I'm back! Right bloody on! Cordelia: Waitaminute! That screws everything up! Angel: Yeah, So does Cordy still get visions or does Doyle? Gunn: And I wasn't even on the show when Doyle was alive! Doyle: Now let's not look a gift horse in the mouth, lads! Jesse: Settle down! I know how to fix this. Gunn: 'Bout time. Go for it. Jesse: I'll just erase Gunn! Gunn: Cool...WHAT? YOU MOTHERF..... (Gunn fades away) Wade: But me and Maggie can't work together! Get rid of her and bring back Arturo! Quinn & Rembrandt: Now, let's not get carried away... Maggie: Yeah, me and Angel were just hitting it off! Quinn: You were? Angel: We were? (Quinn and Angel pause) Quinn & Angel: Bring back Arturo. Jesse: So let it be done! Maggie: Damn you all..... (Maggie fades out, Arturo fades in) Arturo: Why you blistering idiots! When do we eat? Cordelia: While you're at it, bring back high heeled pumps with a closed toe. Navy blue! Jesse: Bah? Cordelia: They'd go great with this leather skirt I bought. Jesse: That's it. She ruined it for everybody! I've changed my mind. I'm bringing back Colin, Maggie, Gunn and Wesley! Arturo: Yes! Wade: Yes! Doyle: NOOOO! Let me stay!! Last thing I did was some movie on VH1!!! (Wade and Arturo high five as they fade out. Doyle is crying. Colin, Maggie, Gunn and Wesley fade back in.) Maggie: YES! SWEET! Gunn: Right on. Wesley: Jolly good. Colin: What just happened, I'm confused. Can we have dinner now? Rembrandt: (to Angel) Listen man, if you ever get a hankering for human blood again... (Gestures to Colin) Angel: I'm not that desperate. Let's go out to get something to eat. (All eight people pile into Angel's car. They drive off to a drive thru.) Drive-thru Lady: Chinese fooood? Quinn: Yeah, can I get an order of sweet n sour pork? Rembrandt: And some fried rice. Drive-thru Lady: And then? Colin: A chalupa! Maggie: And some nachos! Drive-thru Lady: And then? Cordelia: A bottled water! Wesley: And some chamomile tea! Drive-thru Lady: And then? Gunn: How much for just one rib? Angel: And some blood! Drive-thru Lady: And then? Angel: That's it. The Pork, the rice, the chalupa and nachos, one rib, water, tea and blood! Drive-thru Lady: And thennnnn? Angel: Nothing else! That's all. Drive-thru Lady: Annnnnd thennnnn? Angel: No! No and then! Drive-thru Lady: And then! Angel: No and then! Drive-thru Lady: And then! Angel: No and then! Drive-thru Lady: And then! Angel: No and then! (A car horn honks.) Lindsey: HEY! MOVE IT OR LOSE IT PRICK! WE WANNA EAT SOME DAY! Angel: Wait! I know that road rage anywhere! LINDSEY! Lindsey & Darla: ANGEL! Sliders: KROMAGGS! Kromaggs: SLIDERS! Drusilla: DRUSILLA! (laughs) Cordelia: GUNN! Gunn: CORDELIA! (Gunn and Cordy start making out.) Lindsey: GET THEM!!! (The Kromaggs, Darla and Drusilla jump out of the car. Angel and the gang jump out of his car and a brawl starts.) Al the Kromagg: (To Angel) I am gonna kick the crap out of you! (Al takes a swing, misses, and Angel then starts beating the crap out of Al) Quinn: (To Rembrandt) Okay Remmy, you and I can take the blonde and the brunette out, no problem! Rembrandt: Let's do it Q-Ball! (Quinn and Rembrandt rush Darla and Drusilla...Meanwhile, Gunn and Maggie are beating up Bob and Marty.) Gunn: (pulls out a handgun) These ape looking suckers are going down! Maggie: (pulls out her gun) Hey, is that a nickel plated .22? Gunn: Yeah. Is that a desert eagle? Maggie: Yeah. It was a wedding present. (Maggie and Gunn shoot Bob and Marty stone dead.) Gunn: Yizeah! Take that! Maggie: Woohoo! Drive-thru Lady: And thennnnnn? (Maggie and Gunn shoot the speaker. Meanwhile, Darla and Drusilla are kicking the crap out of Quinn and Rembrandt.) Rembrandt: I thought this was going to be no problem! (Darla throws Remmy into a trash can) Quinn: I don't know, maybe they're PMSing or something! Drusilla: Naughty naughty not from this world man! Quinn: Huh? (Dru throws Quinn into the trash can) Lindsey: (Eating some chow mein) Okay! WE CAN LEAVE NOW!!! Ooh, wait! Grab some hostages! (Darla and Drusilla grab Colin, who was still sitting in the car. Ted the Kromagg grabs Wesley who was hiding in the trunk. The hop in Lindsey's car and drive off, leaving Al the Kromagg behind.) Angel: (punching Al) Where did they go? Al the Kromagg: I don't know! Lawyer guy just mentioned resurrecting something from the other side! Angel & Cordelia: Again? Quinn: So where did they take my brother? Angel: I know where we can go to find out. Let's go. Al the Kromagg: Can I leave now? Angel: Yes. Get out of my sight. Al the Kromagg: Really? Angel: No. Not really. (Angel stakes Al.) Quinn: Um, you don't have to stake a Kromagg! Angel: Oh.... my bad. Damn! It's like a bad habit, the whole staking thing... (The gang leaves. Meanwhile, in Lindsey's car...) Ted the Kromagg: Great! Just great! Some protection you guys provide! Two of my buddies are dead and the other is probably dead! Lindsey: Hel-lo! We have two hostages! Darla: They're not going to come after us with their friend's lives at stake! Drusilla: Or they'll try a daring rescue and kill us all. (Everyone stares at Drusilla.) Drusilla: What? I can't say things? Wesley: What are your intentions for us? Lindsey: (shrugs) Probably sacrifice you. (a long pause) Colin: Am I going to get my chalupa? ============================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK ---- Tonight on UPN... Announcer: Voyager meets a new crew member... Ensign Eminem!!! Ensign Eminem: Ya'll act like you never seen a Klingon before/ jaws all on the floor like Paris and B'Ellana just walked through the door/ Started whoopin her ass first and before/ they first were divorced throwing her over furniture/ Augh!/ And Seven of Nine said/ Nothing you idiots! Seven of Nine's dead/ She's locked in my basement!/ Ha ha! Announcer: You thought the lesbian kiss on DS9 was controversial, wait til you get a load of this! Ensign Eminem: Hi! My name is... Hi! My name is... Hi! My name is... Chikka chikka Chakotay! Announcer: Only on mutha(BLEEP)in' UPN! =========================================== (Angel and the gang show up at a Karaoke bar. We see a demon singing up on stage. Quinn, Rembrandt and Maggie are in awe.) The Host: Angel! Babe! You've been making new friends! I'm impressed! And who are these lovely kids? Angel: This is Quinn, Maggie and Rembrandt. The Host: Well, I'm assuming this is a business related visit. Otherwise you wouldn't have that "Gotta move, gotta go" look. (To Sliders) He's always in a hurry. (To Angel) Relax! Have a seabreeze! Julio is getting closer to perfecting it. Quinn: What is this place? The Host: A karaoke bar. Boy, you're a real Einstein, aren't you? Quinn: Hey!!! Cordelia: People sing and The Host here reads their futures. (A pause) Sliders: Sing??? Gunn: Uh-oh. (One minute later, Quinn, Maggie and Rembrandt are on stage singing "Here with me" by Dido up on stage.) Quinn, Maggie, Rembrandt: And iiiiii won't go!!! Iiiii won't leave! I cannot sleeeep until you're resting here with me! (They come off stage to the bar, The Host is sitting there.) The Host: My god, I've heard cats (BLEEP) with better harmony. Quinn: So what's in our futures? The Host: You, I see you leaving for greener pastures. (points to Remmy) You keep going... and you (points to Maggie) I see you going on also, but with a worse hairstyle. I also see the word Cinemax. Angel: Do you see where our friends were taken? The Host: An abandoned warehouse by the pier. Gunn: An abandoned warehouse? What is this, a comic book? The Host: That would explain Angel's Batman fixation... Angel: What? I am not Batman fixated! Cordelia: Well, I mean, there is the constant brooding... Quinn: The cool car... Gunn: The gadgets... Rembrandt: The giant hotel/mansion... The Host: Ths sidekicks... Cordelia & Gunn: Hey!!! Angel: Alright... To the warehouse, everybody!!! Quinn: There's that Batman fixation, again... Angel: Hey! (Meanwhile at the warehouse... Colin and Wesley are hanging upside down from the ceiling. Ted the Kromagg walks out wearing a grass skirt and a cowboy hat. Darla and Drusilla are dressed like cheerleaders. Lindsey comes out in a neon pink gladiator outfit.) Wesley: Good god! What are you wearing? Ted the Kromagg: Y'know, I'm kind of wondering that myself. Colin: Cool cowboy hat! Lindsey: (Ignoring Colin) It was written on the manuscript the ritual must be performed this way. Darla: Even the cheerleader outfits with the word "Slut" written on them? Lindsey: (long pause) Yes. Drusilla: I feel like a dolphin who has never tasted the color blue. (Everyone pauses.) Lindsey: Seriously, is she on (BLEEP)ing drugs or what? Wesley: What are you planning to raise? Lindsey: An ancient evil. Ready to cover the Earth in blood and choke the human race on its own excrement! Wesley: Charming. Colin: Hey. Can we watch TV? Will and Grace is on! Welsey: (pauses. then looks at Lindsey) Can you at least sacrifice him first? Lindsey: Sure. (Lindsey starts the incantation.) Lindsey: Bawitdabasaidthedangthedangdiggydiggysaybawitdabasaidupjumptheboogieoogie! Ted, Darla & Drusilla: HEY MACARENA! Wesley: Never mind. Sacrifice me first! Lindsey: Okey dokey! (Lindsey brings up a sword. He's about to swing it when a webline grabs the sword and yanks it away from him. it flies into Angel's hand.) Angel: Sorry, did I interrupt the ceremony? Cordelia: Either that or we inturrupted the weirdest intervention for Drusilla ever! Maggie: (Anxiously awaiting bloodshed) Well? Are you guys gonna sacrifice Colin or what??? Lindsey: Nah. Not really. we just finished the ceremony. The sacrifice would have just put a little more "Oomph" into it. Quinn: Wait. I'm still stuck on the webline thing. When did you start using webshooters? Angel: Release my friend! And if you have the time, release that Colin guy. Lindsey: You can do it if you can get past my bodyguard: TED THE KROMAGG!! Ted the Kromagg: Huh? What? Lindsey: Get them! (shoves Ted at Angel. Angel promptly stakes Ted.) Ted the Kromagg: Goddammit... You don't have to stake us!!! Angel: DAMMIT! I keep forgetting that! (hitting himself) STUPID! STUPID! Rembrandt: Are we going to fight now? Gunn: It's 6 to 3! Hell yeah! Lindsey: 6 to 3 doesn't matter since Darla and Drusilla are still more powerful for you. Right, girls? (Lindsey hears no response. Lindsey turns around to see they're long gone.) Lindsey: DAMMIT! Well you have to get by the ancient evil we brought back first! (Lindsey pulls back a cloth to reveal what the ceremony ressurected....) Angel: A dolphin.... Quinn: A harp seal... Maggie: And a snowy owl?? Lindsey: YES! ENDANGERED ANIMALS POSSESSED BY THE SOULS OF COURTNEY LOVE!!! Angel: You inhuman bastard! Lindsey! Attack, my endangered minions! ATTACK! Quinn: Okay, this is just ridiculous! They can't do anything to us! (The dolphin pounces onto Quinn, smacking him with it's tail.) Quinn: Never mind! Kill them! Cordelia: Awwww.... but the seal is so cute! Maggie: Yeah! They're harmless! (The seal is juggling Gunn and Rembrandt like beach balls.) Gunn: I-i-i b-b-beg t-to diff-ff-fer! Rembrandt: HEEEEEELLLP!!! Angel:(Waving off the Owl) I would! But I'm busy! ARGH! IT'S IN MY EYES!!! Quinn: I got an idea...Maggie! The dolphin just called you a slut! Maggie: What? Why that no good.... (Maggie pulls out her gun and starts shooting at the dolphin!!) Jesse: Now folks, I'd like to say this: We do not endorse shooting dolphins unless they are proven to possess the soul of Courtney Love. Even then, we frown on the use of guns... use a good old fashioned golf club! Angel: Cordy! If you kill this Snowy Owl, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes! Cordelia: Sssssshoooooooeeeees!!!! (Cordelia picks up a chainsaw and goes to work on the owl.) Jesse: Okay, we'd like to apologize now. Not for the crap about the owl. But for stereotyping that women will do aything for shoes... Even though they will. Angel: NOW GET THE SEAL!!! (Everyone gangs up on the seal and gives it a good old fashioned Reservoir Dogs ass-kicking! Maggie stops and shoves Cordelia.) Maggie: Cordy!!! Cordelia: What? Maggie: GET THE TABLES!!! (Cordelia gets a table out. Maggie powerbombs the seal through the table!) Jesse: Hi. Once again, we'd like to apologize. Not to anyone offended by the seal beating. But to the WWF for ripping off thier gimmicks. (Maggie hits Jesse with a steel chair.) Maggie: God! How many times are you going to appear in this parody? (Angel, Quinn and the gang stand over the bodies of the dead species.) Gunn: Greenpeace is going to kick our ass! Wesley: Is someone going to let us down? Colin: You guys hurt the doggies! (Everyone looks at Colin. They let them down and everyone surrounds Lindsey.) Lindsey: Um...hey...so...ah....how about that XFL? Angel: We're going to put that prosthetic hand somewhere only Richard Gere can identify with... Lindsey: But....HEY! YOUR TIMER'S ABOUT TO GO OFF!!! Quinn: What? (looks at the timer) HEY! It says we've got an hour! (Quinn and the gang look up. Lindsey is gone. There's a hole in the shape of Lindsey in the wall.) Angel: Damn. Third time this week! (Everyone goes to Cordy's place to hang out.) Quinn: Wow! Nice place! Gunn: If you like ghostly roommates. Colin:(Jumps into Quinn's arms.) G-g-g-ghosts? Cordelia: It's just Dennis. He's harmless! Wesley: Yes, where is Dennis? (Maggie walks out of the shower.) Maggie: WOW! What a shower! It felt like there were hands all over me!! (Everyone stares. Quinn is about to say something when the timer goes off.) Quinn: Well, time to slide! (Activates the timer) Bye, Angel! Say hi to Buffy, next time you see her! Angel: Why you.... (Angel throws Quinn into the wormhole) Colin: Wesley! Before I leave, I have to ask you something... Wesley: What is it Colin? Colin: Do you have rope burns on your wee-wee like I do from when we were tied up? Wesley: Please leave. (Colin, confused like always, jumps through. The following will be translated once again.) Gunn: Later, homes! (Good-bye, my friend!) Rembrandt: Peace out, G! (I hope you have a nice day!) Gunn: Fight the power! (Bring down whitey!) Rembrandt: Dizamn strizaight! (Almost there, O'Connell is leaving!) (Rembrandt jumps through.) Maggie: Goodbye, Cordelia! (God, I hate your clothes.) Cordelia: Bye, Maggie! (You are SUCH a slut!) Maggie: I love your shoes! (I hate your shoes!) Cordelia: I love your hair! (I hate your hair!) Angel: Oh for god's sakes... (Angel throws Maggie through.) Gunn: Well, thank god that's all over with! Wesley: Um, not really we have a new case... Angel: How do you know? Cordelia: The weird guy and dog on my terrace would be a tipoff! (We see a guy in a overcoat and his bulldog on the balcony.) Beefy: Hello, Angel. My name is Beefy. This is Nicky. Little Nicky: Hello. I'm from the south. The deep south. (Hoarse laugh.) ------------- (Meanwhile on another Earth. The gang slides in. There's a guy in a leather jacket in a pickup truck riding towards them.) Quinn: Okay. Two weeks on this Earth... Hey, pal! Can you give us a lift to the nearest town? (The guy pulls over.) Wolverine: Sure. Why not. Hop in. (The gang gets in and they drive off...) Rogue: My name's Marie. Colin: My name's Colin. Maggie: Hey, you should wear a seatbelt! (Wolverine sighs.) THE END! This has been written, directed, produced and edited by Jesse Glaspey Shoes by Gucci. This has been a Sleepy Weasel production.