ATTACK OF BIG BIRD (fade in) [we see several police officers crowded around something unseen on the ground] [caption: somewhere] sheriff: Never seen anythang like this before! Hey Billy-Bob, call the ef-bee-aaa. [all walk away; we see a huge webbed footprint] [caption: FBI building, Washington, D.C.] [geeky-looking messenger boy knocks on basement office door and opens it] [Mulder quickly shoves the copy of Playboy he was reading into a desk drawer] messenger: Assistant Director Skinner wants to see you [Mulder glances up, then ignores the messenger] messenger (uneasily): I’ll be going, then, now. (closes door) [Mulder picks up the phone and calls Scully] [we see Scully sitting crosslegged on the floor in an office area with a stack of papers, a coffee mug that says Apollo 11 on it, and a phone] Scully: Hi, Sally? Mulder: Who’s Sally? Scully: Oh. Ummm ... nobody. So what do you want? Mulder: Skinner wants to see us. Scully: Why? Mulder: Jusy go now, loser. Scully: Fine, S.O.B. (hangs up) [Scully marches past a protesting Holly and opens the door to Skinner’s office] [We see AD Kersh sitting on Skinner’s lap (add chill going down spine here)] [Kersh jumps up and starts to leave] [Scully acts as if nothing has happened] Scully: You wanted to see me, sir? Skinner: Yes, I- [Mulder walks in, looking winded] Skinner: Agent Mulder, where have you been? Mulder: I was chasing down Alex Krycek. He stole- (Skinner interrupts) Skinner: I don’t care what he stole. Have I ever? The important thing now is Big Bird. Scully & Mulder: Wha ...? Skinner: You know, the large yellow Sesame Street character with striped legs? Scully: No, I mean, why is Big Bird important? Skinner: My special friend at the center says everyone is important. Mulder: How is Big Bird significant to the X-Files? Skinner: My special friend says- Scully: To hell with your therapist! What’s the case??!! Skinner: Gees, you don’t have to yell! My special friend says yelling is- [Scully and Mulder go out to Skinner’s waiting room, leaving Skinner with a hurt look] Mulder: Holly, what was Assistant Director Skinner supposed to tell us? Holly: How should I know? I’m just the dumb and docile secretary! It’s in my job description, right next to, "Not notice anything that goes on in the inner office." [Mulder grabs the memo pad off of her desk and leafs through it] Mulder: AhHAH!!! Look Scully, it’s right here! "Investigate mysterious smushings. Suspect- Big Bird." Scully (distracted): Yeah, sure, whatever. [she’s looking at a Playgirl magazine in a nearby rack. Mulder comes up behind her and startles the crap out of her.] Mulder: What’cha lookin’ at? [Scully shoves the Playgirl behind a Fisherman’s Weekly] Scully: Large-mouth bass Mulder: Ooh, interesting! Scully: Yeah. So where is this Big Bird? Mulder: Somewhere Scully: No, really, where is it? Mulder: Somewhere! [Scully gives an exasperated sigh and walks quickly past Mulder into the hallway] [we come back with Scully and Mulder on the plane to Somewhere. They are pinching each other in turn] Scully: Stop it! Mulder: You stop it! Scully: No, you stop it! Mulder: No, you stop it! [Scully ends the argument by bitch-slapping Mulder across the face] [there is a nut sitting in the seat behind Scully - his ailment is provoked by her bright red hair. He pokes her in the back of the head. Scully turns around to look at him.] nut: hey lady with red hair Scully: What?! nut: Come sit by me! Scully: No! nut: I’ll pay you! Scully: How mu- (glances at Mulder) I mean, NO!!!! [Scully promptly turns away from him] Mulder: Were you about to ask how much he was willing to pay? Scully: N-no! Mulder: Aw, come on, Red! You know you would do it for the right amount! Scully: I’m not a slut! Mulder: No, you’re a beautiful red-headed slut! [Scully once again gives him a nice bitch-slap] [Scully looks at him rather mercilessly, then sees his quickly swelling cheeks. She suddenly feels the need to tend to his wounds. She pushes the buzzer for assistance and asks for some ice.] [When the ice comes, she applies it to his face and cradles his head in her lap (awwww!)] [They fall asleep at about the same time. When the plane lands, Mulder wakes up first. He flicks Scully’s breasts to wake her up, which results in yet another bitch-slap. (ok, so the bitch-slapping is getting a little old, I’ll stop!)] [When they are exiting the plane, they are immediately greeted by the hillbilly sheriff.] sheriff: G’day, agents! Scully: What’s your problem? sheriff: Well, my back’s a little sore today, and then there’s that pesky testicle of mine, always done retracting itself again! Scully (more than disgusted): I was talking about Big Bird. sheriff: Oh. Well, Big Bird done smushed Billy-Jo, Billy-Sam, and Billy-George a couple a days ago, and he’s on the loose. Mulder: And what does the Cigarette-Smoking Man have to do with this? sheriff: Well, nothin’, I guess! Mulder: And Krycek? sheriff: Who? Mulder: And Max Fenig? sheriff: Now you’ve lost me! Mulder: So ... why am I investigating this? Scully: Mulder, people have died! There are disgusting autopsies to do, witnesses to disappear, partners to seduce, criminals to catch, misuses of the FBI badge to be comitted, people to chase down and shoot at unsuccessfully! Mulder: Oh. All five? Scully: No, there were six. Mulder: Ummm ... disgusting autopsies, witnesses to disappear, criminals to catch, misuse badge, chase down and shoot at ... that’s all of them, isn’t it? Scully: No, you skipped partners to - no, wait, you were right, there were five. [the sheriff leads them to the footprint not far from the Somewhere airport] sheriff: Right here! Scully: This definitely looks like a Big Bird print. Mulder: Are you sure it’s not a Cigarette Smoking Man print? Scully: No, his webbed feet are smaller. Mulder (under his breath): Awww, man! Scully: What was that? sheriff (yes, he’s still here): It sounds like a wild Big Bird call! [all cock their heads like dogs and listen to the elephant-esque squeal] sheriff: Aw, darn, I got so excited, my testicle retracted again. One of ya’s gotta help me pull it back out again! [Scully pulls out her 9mm and shoots the sheriff in the back of the head while he was facing the trees and pulling. Some of the blood splatters on Mulder, and he looks at her like an annoyed child] Scully: What?! Mulder: You got icky-poo on me! Scully: Live with it! Mulder: No! Scully: You big baby, you Girlie-man! (sorry to the author of Where Have all the Yetis Gone, I just thought that was hilarious!) Mulder (sobbing): I am NOT!!!! Scully: Oh, yes you are! Now come on, let’s hide the sheriff’s body under a fallen tree before anyone sees us! Mulder: EEEWWWW!!!! That’s gross! Why’dya shoot him anyway??!! Scully: Did you hear what the crazed man was saying? He was pulling on his nuts in public! Mulder: I do that all the - never. Oh, you’re right, that’s disgusting. Scully: Thank you. Now help me drag him over here. [we come back the next morning in the motel] [we see Scully sleeping peacefully, and then her phone rings] Scully: What? Mulder: Wake up, Starbuck, it’s a brand new day, YIPPEEE!!! Scully: Mulder, if you EVER call me that, EVER again, so help me Satan I’ll ... Mulder: Aren’t you supposed to say "so help me GOD"? Scully: Well, Mulder, I would, but I don’t believe in God, and according to common Christian scripture - hey! Shut up!!! [Scully gets up, puts on an expensive satin robe, and looks out her window] [A freak blizzard has hit in the middle of the night] Scully (still on the phone): Oh my satan, Mulder, look out your window! Mulder: Wow, you’re right, that old guy really IS ugly! Scully: No, besides that, smart one! Mulder: You think I’m smart?! Scully: Yeah, whatever. It’s snowing! Mulder: Does that mean I get my Christmas present early this year?! Scully: Yes, if you consider me coming over there in my robe ... and smacking you to be a present. Mulder: I don’t want the smack, but feel free to come with or without the robe! Scully: Pervert! (hangs up phone) (are you starting to see a phone-hanging-up pattern here?!) [Mulder puts on one of those absolutely adorable parkas of his, and knocks on the door of Scully’s room.] Scully: Come in. Mulder [opens door]: Can I come in? Scully: What did I just say to you? Mulder: Oh, yeah, ok. [goes inside] Mulder: We’re supposed to go and see Dr. Bambi Berenbaum now, since you shot the sheriff and GOT ICKY-POO ON ME!!! Scully (childishly): Do we HAVE to? Mulder: She’s the only one left ALIVE that knows anything about it. Scully: Oh, alright. She’ll probably get smushed somewhere on down the line, anyway. Mulder: Yeah, you’re probably right. [We leave this scene and come back in Dr. Bambi’s house] Bambi (to all her little pet cockroaches in individual cages): Oh, yes, schnukums, Mommy loves you! [Bambi goes over to a stack of papers and pulls out a notebook labeled "human/cockroach crossbreeding"] Bambi (mumbling): If I can’t get Mulder, I may try it myself! [At the moment of her last line, Scully and Mulder have walked into the room] Mulder: What was that? Bambi: Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself. Mulder: Really? Wow, I do that too!! Bambi: I like chicken, too! Mulder: Wow, we’re soul mates! Scully: Oh, really, are you, Mulder?! Mulder: Ummm ... yeah! [Scully makes a kind of "hmmmph" noise and walks over to a cage with a cockroach in it. She sticks her finger through the bars and starts coaxing it over to her] Bambi: Agent Schmully, no! That one is poisonous! Scully: Well, why don’t you come over here and show it to me? Bambi: I’d love to, Agent Schmully! [Scully grabs Bambi by the hair and shoves her head into the cage. The cockroach immediately works its magic] Scully: It’s SCULLY, by the way! [dusts off her hands and walks away] Mulder (tears in his *adorable*eyes): Wha’dya do that for! Scully: She was a threat to - ummm ... nothing. I don’t like her. Mulder: You mean you DIDN’T like her! Scully: Exactly. [later, in the rental car, which just so happens to be a BMW bug] Mulder: Scully, do you like me? Scully: No. Mulder: But the author keeps giving us all these verbal slip ups and stuff that imply that you like me! Scully (a bit less emphatically): No. Mulder (touches her hand): Well, I like you. Scully (very weakly now): No. [Mulder starts putting the moves on her] Scully: Look, Mulder, do you want a kick in the nads or what? Mulder: Sorry. [At the local police station] [Scully and Mulder have not arrived yet] officer1: So I was taking a piss in the woods, and I slipped. I fell back, and I felt something beneath me. I looked, and I found the sheriff’s body. officer2: Why was he dead? [Scully and Mulder walk in] officer1: There was a bullet in the back of his head. It looked like it was from a kick-ass 9mm, maybe FBI issue. officer3: How do you know it was kick-ass? officer1: I’m just guessing. Do you agents know anything about it? [officer shows them some photos taken of the wound] Mulder: I know that icky-poo from [Scully digs her nails into his arm] nowhere. [whispered to Scully] Hey, you hurt me! Scully (whispering back): Too bad! officer1 to Scully: You wouldn’t happen to have a kick-ass FBI issue 9mm, would you? Scully [pulling it out proudly]: Why yes, yes I would! Why do you ask? officer1: Did you shoot the sheriff? Scully (uneasily): No! officer1: It’s just that the bullet we extracted says "Dana Katherine Scully" on it. Scully: Someone must have stolen my clip to frame me. Mulder [whispering to Scully]: I told you not to get those monogrammed bullets! Scully [whispering back]: Shut up! [suddenly, a scream is heard from the back of the building] All but Mulder: What was that? (not in unison, of course!) Mulder [attempting to shove his head into Scully’s armpit]: AAAAAHH!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!! All but Mulder [in unison this time]: Shut up, Girlie-man!!!!!! [all rush to the back of the building, Scully dragging Mulder along by the arm] [we see a desk in splinters with a suspicious red fluid coming out from under it] [the culprit is not in sight, but by I’m sure pure coincidence, there is a tuft of yellow feathers stuck in a closet door] Scully [pulling the afforementioned kick-ass gun]: There is no Big Bird! There has to be a reasonable explanation for all of this! Come out with your hands up, completely rational and logical being! [all the while, Mulder is hiding in the corner and has pulled a blankie from his parka pocket] [all of a sudden, the criminal bird bursts from the closet (who knew?) and runs out the back door, closely followed by everyone] officer1: Where’s it going?! Scully: We’re in a residential area, so probably to it’s home. Look, it’s Emases Teerts! I think it lives on this street, make note of the address! Mulder [now a bit braver]: You’re looking in the rear view mirror of that truck, loser, it’s Sesame Street! Scully [a bit embarassed]: That’s what I said, Sesame Street! [they chase it into a one-bedroom ranch-style home] [it runs out its bedroom window, leaving everyone in the house] [the police officers chase after the bird, while Scully and Mulder stay behind to search the house] [in the bathroom, Scully opens the medicine cabinet. Next to a bottle of Viagra is some beak oil and leg stripe enhancer. Upon seeing the Viagra, Mulder quickly slips it into his pocket. Scully glances over and sees him.] Scully: What are you doing, Mulder? Mulder: It’s for a friend, I swear! [Scully gives a smug smile and turns back to the shower drain catcher she is examining. There are several bright yellow feathers in it.] [She moves on to the the living room. She doesn’t see Krycek standing in the shadows, adjusting his prosthetic arm.] Krycek: Shit! Scully [looking around, paranoid]: Who’s there?! Mulder [from the bathroom]: Orange! Krycek: Oh, so he’s here, too? This is more than perfect! Scully [finally seeing him]: Krycek! Krycek [stepping into the light overdramatically]: Yes, it’s me, once again chasing you down in order to do the bidding of my diabolical master, the Cigarette Smoking Man. Mulder [now in the room]: You mean you don’t know his real name, either? Krycek: Sure I do, it’s Pookie Pussums! Scully: I think I’ll stick to the Cigarette Smoking Man. Krycek: Fine. It doesn’t matter anyway, I’m going to kill you now. [Krycek pulls out a ridiculously large pistol, but the clip falls out behind him, and he turns around and bends over to pick it up. Scully sees the perfect opportunity to put a bullet up his ass (with the gun, of course!), but as she aims her 9mm, Krycek gets back up and shoots Mulder in the calf. It only grazes his leg, but Mulder (that girlie-man!) faints from the pain. Scully rushes to his side] Scully: You bastard, you killed Mulder! (obviously not taking a pulse yet) Krycek: He didn’t respect my authority! [fat black man walks out of the kitchen] man: Hello, children! Mulder (coming back to consciousness): I’m not a child, I’m a pre-adult! Scully (trying to hide her hapiness): Mulder, you’re alive! (Krycek) You didn’t kill Mulder! But you’re still a bastard! Krycek: Ok, thanks! [Kyrcek shoots himself in the head, but it has no effect on him. He does it again and again, but he can’t injure himself] Krycek: Aw, damn! Scully: Why do you want to commit suicide, anyway? Krycek: I just- [He is interrupted by a huge orange foot crashing through the ceiling and squashing him] man, Scully, and Mulder: YAY!!!!! [Big Bird runs away, leaving a bloody footprint with every step] [Scully and Mulder chase after it, leaving the fat man to clean it up] [They chase the bird until it stumbles and falls over, wheezing. Scully immediately jumps on top of it and starts pulling on its head] Scully: Come on, I know you’re not real! Ummph! [Its head finally pops off, and the agents flinch as a disgusting, gassy smell emerges from the bird’s body. The only thing they can see is the Cigarette Smoking Man lighting up, still in the Big Bird suit as they fall onto the pavement, each one’s arm under the other’s, trying to support each other] [we come back with Scully and Mulder in the hospital, apparently a really wierd hospital, because they’re in the same room, and there’s no plastic privacy divider, damn taxpayers! How would YOU like to use a bedpan with someone watching you????!!!! Scully is reading a really thick copy of a fishing magazine, wow, I’ve never heard of the erotic fish before! Mulder is shamelessly reading a copy of Playboy, gees, I’m *sure glad* Scully doesn’t read that crap!] Scully (with a bedpan on her head): Look at me, I’m the bedpan monster, raaar, hide your pink plastic tupperwares! Mulder: Yankee doodle went to town a riding on a pony, it’s fleece was white as snow, Pookie Pussums sucked on marbles, and Scully ate my pudding! Scully (suddenly recovered): I ate your WHAT??? Mulder (ditto): Huh? Scully: You were just singing! Mulder: That’s it, I’m calling a nurse! [nurse arrives, carrying a tray] Mulder: She’s saying I was singing. nurse: You were, I heard you! You were saying you wished to die! [she reaches under the metal dome on the tray and pulls out a syringe. She walks toward him, snickering like a child who was recently given fudge] nurse: Well, here’s your wish! [at that moment, Scully jumps out of bed and kicks the nurse Killswitch-style. The nurse is dazed, but keeps going toward Mulder. Mulder pulls back the sheets, attempting to finish reenacting the scene from Killswitch on the nurse, but he finds that they didn’t leave his jeans on this time. He quickly pulls the sheets back up, but by now, Scully has found her kick-ass gun and is aiming it at the nurse. She surprises her enough to give Mulder time to grab the syringe and inject it into the psychotic nurse. As the typical public "healthcare" worker falls to the floor, Scully and Mulder see that her nametag says "Nurse Kvorkian". They then climb back into their beds (hey, I bet ya wanted me to say they go into one bed, huh?! You pervert!) and call maintenance to take the nurse away.] [we come back in Skinner’s waiting room, with Scully and Mulder sitting on the couch poking each other. The door to Skinner’s office opens, and AD Kersh walks out. As Scully and Mulder enter, Skinner hurriedly throws a bottle of scented oils into a drawer and tucks his shirt in. (don’t ask) He sits down.] Skinner: So, agents, what did you find? Scully: We don’t remember. Mulder (poking Scully’s arm): Hey, I wanted to say that! Scully: Mulder, it doesn’t really matter. Skinner: Well, agents, I’m very disappointed. Can’t you even tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? Scully: No. Sorry. Bye. I hate you, and you smell like baby oil. Mulder: Yeah, bye-bye, stinkie!! [Scully and Mulder leave] [in the hallway ...] Mulder: Hey, you said I would get to say something! Scully: Next time. This was my turn. Mulder: No!!!!! I’m the one who wants to believe!!!! Scully: Yeah, but I’m the one with an all-too-rational explanation for everything! So there! Mulder: I’m telling my mommy on you! Scully: Fine! I’m not afraid of her! She’s not the boss of me! [Later, Mulder is sitting alone in his flat, when he finds the bottle of Viagra still in his pocket. He goes to the Lone Gunmens’ apartment and knocks on the door. Byers answers.] Mulder: Here you go, but I’m not getting these for you anymore! Byers: Fine, I can just find another source. Thanks anyway, I really need them, Suzanne Modeski’s coming over tonight. Ha,ha! Hope ya enjoyed my unique little X-Files adventure, I’ll be writing more of them in time! Emily spartus1999@yahoo.com