Enterprise/X Files
“BROKEN HULL”
Starring Scott Bakula,
David
Duchovny
Gillian
Anderson
Jolene Blalock,
And
John Billingsly.
Also
starring Dominic Keating,
Conner
Trinneer,
Anthony
Montgomery,
And
Linda Park.
November 12, 2001,
Washington DC,
Mulder’s Apartment, Room 42,
Somebody knocks on the door. Mulder opens it. It is
Scully.
Scully: “Hello Mulder,”
Mulder: “Hi Scully,” He invites her in. “Come sit
down. So...What are you here for?”
Scully: “CSM.”
Mulder: “Oh...”
Scully: “The cancer is taking over his body. He
won’t live long. He’s also currently in a coma.”
Mulder: “Well that’s good.”
Scully: “No it’s not. The doctors took a blood
sample. I’m sorry, but it matched…”
Mulder: “…”
Chris Carter: “Say something!”
Mulder: “You mean he’s my…”
Scully: “No! He’s Samantha’s
illegitimate…”
Mulder: “Oh…”
November 13, 2001,
Washington DC,
Hospital, Room 423,
Doctor: “I must object to you taking my patient!”
Dark Clothed Person 1: “There’s nothing you can do
for him,”
Dude: “I suck.”
Dark Clothed Person 2: “But we, can cure him.”
They wheel CSM out of the room.
Unknown date,
Unknown location,
CSM: “This man ordered that I be given “the chip”.
In my absence, he will be CEO of this group. And, now that Mr. Dogget is the
main part of the equation, I have some arrangements regarding Mulder and
Scully... Now, how’s project Freeze coming along?”
Nondescript Man: “It’s complete.”
CSM: “Good. Let’s begin.”
Dude: “I really, do, suck!”
Stardate: 7663576826902380-42,
USS Enterprise NX01,
Bridge,
Reed: “Sir, sensors are picking up 3 large objects
off the port bow! Can I blow them up?”
Capt. Archer: “No.”
Reed:
“Pleeeeeeeeeeease...?”
Capt. Archer: “No.”
Reed: “Plee-“
T’Pol: “SHUT UP!!!!!!!!”
Capt. Archer: “Was that an emotional outburst???”
T’Pol: “...No. I am Vulcan. I do not have emotional
outbursts.”
Capt. Archer: “Anyway, beam those things onboard.
Then send a security team down there.”
Someone: “Diana Fowley is a cow!”
T’Pol: “I’m this much closer to having my mind snap
and wiping you illogical punks off the face of UPN!”
Stardate:
5432526057087097634565542-42,
USS Enterprise NX01,
Cargo Bay,
Dr. Phlox: “Apparently these are Chryopods. One of
them has a BROKEN HULL. The person inside it is dead. May I unfreeze the
people?”
Reed: “Can I blow up the pods?”
Capt. Archer: “Dr., yes, Mr. Reed, no.”
FLASH!
Q: “I’m Q.”
Reed: “Can I blow him up?”
Capt. Archer: “No.”
Q: “I’m also “Q-LASSIFIED”.”
FLASH!
Reed: “Awe Bloody @#%^!”
Ship’s Intercom: “UH, UH, UH, UH, STAYIN’ ALIVE!”
Hoshi: “Sorry, no translation available.”
Max: “ I’d like to let you all know I realize that
Hoshi’s line sucked, but don’t worry, she will have better ones later.”
Capt. Archer: “I am going to kill Mr. Tucker!”
Mulder: “UH UH UH UH STAYIN’ ALIVE!”
Scully: “Turn off the music!”
Dude: “Not only do I suck but I don’t belong here!”
Max: “I wrote you!”
Scully: “Hey look! Krycek and some other guy!”
Mulder: “UH UH UH UH- CANCER MAN- AAAAAHH!”
CSM: “Fox... I am... Your father!”
Mulder: “Add emphysema and you can be Darth Vader.”
CSM: “You’re not shocked!?”
Mulder: “I already knew. Get with the times, Oldie
Von Moldie.”
CSM: “All right then... I know where my daughter
is...”
Mulder: (crying) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!- Where is she?”
CSM: “How should I know?”
Stardate: 758765543614678675-42,
USS Enterprise NX01,
Mess Hall,
Mulder: “So, you’re saying that aliens gave you
information that in 62 years a group of aliens known as the Borg will attack
Earth in 2063 and that’s why you left?”
CSM: “DID, Mulder, DID! It already happened!”
Mulder: “Anyway, Scully, now do believe in aliens?”
Scully: “No.”
Scully: “Mmmm! What type of Chinese food is this?”
Cook: “I call it “Krycek Rolls”.
Scully, Mulder, CSM, Dr. Phlox, and T’Pol:
“Pt-Oooey!”
The food hits Ensign Dyesune in the head. He
stumbles, trips over a chair, and impales himself on a saltshaker.
Scully: “I have an odd feeling that that will happen
many more times with different people and in different locations.”
T’Pol: “I overhead that you don’t believe in aliens.
Scully: “Yes…”
T’Pol: “I’m an alien. I am Vulcan.”
Scully: “Sure…”
T’Pol: “It’s true. My blood is green.
Mulder: “BOUNTY HUNTER!” Dadadun!
Mulder runs up and sticks his chopsticks in T’Pol’s
neck.
Mulder: “Gotcha!”
T’Pol: “Please remove that from my neck.”
Mulder: “You aren’t dying!?”
T’Pol: “No. That is because we Vulcans are superior
to you in every way. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!”
Cook: “Did you just show emotion?
T’Pol: “…No”
Mulder: “Look! She’s bleeding green! Now do you believe THE
TRUTH IS OUT THERE!?”
CSM: “Out here!!!”
Mulder: “OUT HERE!?”
Scully: “...No. It only looks green because
of the lighting.”
All But Scully: “Auuughh!!!”
Cook: “Did you just make a frustrated “auuughh”
sound?
T’Pol: “…No.”
Homer: “I wrote “The Odyssey”!”
Stardate: 85696689r756424474564517-howdidan”r”getinthere?
-42
USS Enterprise NX 01
Cargo Bay
(Close
up on chryopod with a BROKEN HULL)
In the chryopod that’s broken, there is the upper
half of Krycek and an unknown man. The “dead” man stands up. You can see that
there is, “something”, in his neck. Dadadun!
I QUIT! YOU CAN THINK OF YOUR OWN
DATE AND LOCATION!
HI, I’M THE NEW GUY. NOW I TYPE THE
DATES AND THE LOCATIONS. BWAHAHAHA! THE POWER! THE POWER!
…STARDATE:
95765564147621567317625867627566862963867562567-42
USS Enterprise NX 01
I DON’T CARE WHERE ON THE SHIP SO
TOO BAD!
Ensign Alsowildyesooon: “Dead man walkin’-“
The “dead” man chokes the ensign. He falls to the
ground dead.
Lieutenant Fyuterdedood: “Aaaaaah-“
The lieutenant also dies after being choked.
Ship’s Intercom: “Attention! The dead man who was
NOT eaten is not dead and is murderous.”
Ensign Wildman slaps Naomi.
They disappear.
Dude: “Seriously, I suck!”
STARDATE: 1234567890-42
USS Enterprise NX 01 (-42)
Corridor That Has Been Used Many
Times Before Except Now It’s Orange
The “dead” man is walking down the corridor. Dadadun!
Voice: “You look sick. Maybe you need a vaccine.”
The “dead” man (I’m going to call him the alien from
now on) looks for the source of the voice. It’s CSM.
Dr. Phlox: “You idiot! You take vaccines to prevent diseases!”
Travis Mayweather: “Yeah! And how come I don’t get
any lines?
Max: “Quiet you! Your time will come!
Charlie Tucker: Who are you?”
Max: “The writer.”
Fowley: “Oh, that’s who you are.”
T’Pol: “How the @#%! did you get here!?”
Lieutenant Heavenbound: “Did you-“
Max: “Not enough time! Cook,”
Cook: “Tomorrow we serve Scrambled Fowley Legs!”
Fowley: “Aaaaaaaaaah-“
The cook chops off Fowley’s head off. The whole crew
cheers. All the X-Philes in the world cheer. Even you cheer. And if you don’t
cheer… Anyway, the cook drags her body to the kitchen.
Hoshi: “My earlier lines sucked.”
Alien: “I blame Max for that.”
Max: “Shut up!”
The Alien chokes Lieutenant Heavenbound to death.
Alien: “I’m outta here!” the alien runs away.
CSM chases. Alien runs. CSM chases. Alien runs.
Cigeratte Smoking Man chases. Alien runs. Cancer Man chases. Alien runs. Smokey
delivers the vaccine. Alien dies.
Max: “The time has come.”
Charlie Tucker & Travis Mayweather: “Yay!”
Max: “Time’s up.”
Mulder: “How are we going to get home?”
FLASH
Q: “I’ll handle that.”
FLASH
Max: “I would just like to mention that I got the
best lines, so ha!”
Capt. Archer: “Well, now that that’s over with, set
a course,”
Travis Mayweather: “To where?”
Capt. Archer: “To, THE SLIGHTLY WARPED WEBSITE…”
Hoshi: “Why there?”
Capt. Archer: “Ask Max.”
Hoshi: “Why there?”
Max: “Why not?”
IN THE NEXT EPISODE, MAX THE WRITER,
IS ATTACKED BY EVIL LAWYERS! AND IT’S UP TO THE CREW OF ENTERPRISE AND THE CAST
OF THE PRACTICE TO SAVE HIM! PLUS: MORE DEATHS OF EXTRAS WITH RED OUTLINED
SHOULDERPADS!
THE
EN-
Several People Who Have Contributed
Stories To The Slightly Warped Website:
“Well,
we’re gonna’ sue you before Paramount and Fox can!”
Max: “What?”
Steve Sutton: “You know what!”
Jesse Glaspey: “You stole parts of our stories and
used them in this!”
Max: “Computer, beam the other writers into space!”
Majel Barrett’s Voice: “This is Enterprise, not
Voyager or some other @#%$! You chose
to write a space story with less powerful technology! You can’t do those things
on Enterprise!”
Max: “Alright then, phasers on full!”
Majel Barrett’s Voice: “There you go again! They
don’t have hand PHASERS yet!”
Max: “Whatever weapons you have on full!”
Reed: “Yeah! I’m finally gonna’ bloody blow
something up!”
Max: “Fire!”
ZZZ-TICKLE
Steve Sutton: “Hahahahaha! You’ve
stolen my material, and that includes the comic I had in that one TV Guide!”
FLASH
Q: “I’ll handle them!”
FLASH
Max: “ Seeya later!”
THE
END
CREDITS: Max: “Yeah, I did
this.”