STAR TREK Voyager: Back to the Future's End By: Andrew Babb Exterior shot, Voyager glides by another planet on it's way to the Nearest Seven Eleven, on Earth. Interior Shot, Crew in regular positions doing absolutely nothing as usual. [Janeway walks onto bridge] Janeway: Status report! Kim: I'm Bored! Tuvok: We are still 70 years away from home, dispite 4 years of travel. Chakotay: I can't figure out why we didn't use that Warp 10 trick! Paris: Bellona is slowly poisoning me to get rid of my character by next season! Torres: Almost done, too! Neelix: The dinner's escaped! Kes: The writers are still trying to get rid of me! Janeway: Good! Everything's normal! Any hostile ships in the system that we can fight and not be destroyed by? The crew needs some extra morale. Tuvok: Negative captain, however I have gotten the highest score ever in tetris. Janeway: Damn. And find a way to turn that game into a plot device, or quit playing it. Tuvok: Aye, captain. [fiddles around on keyboard] the tetris game has just become a time warp, Captain. Janeway: Dammit, I meant something like another alien virus or an Intelligence attempting to take over the ship, but not another-- Paris, interrupting: Captain, Voyager is accelerating to 88 miles per hour towards the rift, and for once I can't steer around it! [Exterior shot, Voyager disappears, leaving a two trails of fire behind it.] [Back on bridge] Janeway: Tuvok! I want you to delete that game immediately! Tuvok: Aye captain! [types on his panel] The warp is dissipating, we're exiting. [Another Exterior shot, Voyager reappears from within the rift, leaving two trails of fire behind it.] [bridge] Janeway: Rear View, let's see that rift! [screen shifts to rear view, Shot of rift closing and the trails of fire] What the Hell? Fire can't exist in space! No Air! Kim: This is a UPN show, Captain. Janeway: Shut up Wes..er...Kim! I knew that! Paris: Look! Earth! Data: Population: Approximately 9 billion borg... Neelix: Who the hell is that? Torres: Shoo! Shooo! Data: That's it! I'm going to Babylon Five! Tuvok: Captain! Carbon dating states that this is Earth, 1997. Janeway: God, not this Hellhole...er....interesting period in History again! Neelix: I'll go monitor the soaps again Captain! I hope I haven't missed too many 'Days of our Lives'..... [Flips to the Exterior shot once again, which is by now getting quite boring, and then to the 'hellhole'.] [A garage in California] Doc: What's that?[points to two trails of fire that just appeared in the sky] Marty: I don't know, copyright infringement? Doc: More time travelers! Let's go greet them! Marty: But I thought our contract ran out! Doc: The studio let me keep the car. Marty: Ohhh..... [they get in the DeLorien, which takes off and heads towards Voyager] [Back on Voyager] Janeway: Has our presence been detected yet? Tuvok: Negative captain, however, we accidentally ran into a beat-up hunk of metal that was in Orbit. The people of this era may be suspicious. Janeway: Did it have an identification Marking? Paris: MIR, I think. Janeway: Don't worry, they probably don't even know it's gone. Kim: Captain, sensors show an object leaving the atmosphere and heading towards us! Janeway: What is it, you dork? Kim: Excuse me? Janeway: I SAID, my fork. Kim: Oh. It's a DeLorien, 1983 model captain. Should I shoot it? Janeway: No, Wes, I mean Harry, there's the possibility that people From four hundred years in the past have a more advanced technology that could send us home. All, except Janeway: Ohh..... Torres: It's hailing us, Captain. Audio only. Janeway: Answer it. Operator's Voice: This is a collect call. Do you except? Kim: AT&T, right? Operator: No. Kim :Switch us to an AT&T operator, please. Janeway :Dammit. Once again he upstages everyone and saves the ship. Operator2 :This is a collect call. Do you except? Janeway: Yes. Doc: Hail, fellow time travelers. What time are you from? Janeway: Doc? What's he doing over there? Paris: Read it again, Captain. It says 'Doc.' We always write it 'Doctor.' Janeway: Oh. [Speaking to Doc] Are you from this century? Marty: DUH! Doc & Janeway: SHUT UP WESLEY! (Doc:)ERR.....Marty... Doc: We are. Are you from the future? Janeway: Yep. We're from a Star Trek show. Doc: Sweeps week in the future, right? Kim: How did he know? Tuvok: Captain, we have to assume that the visitor is telepathic, be careful what you think everyone. Paris: Too late. [Torres Stares at Paris.] [Inside the DeLorien, 2 hours later] Marty: Why haven't they answered your 'sweeps week question' yet? Doc: You did remember to put 25 cents in for the next three minutes, Marty? Marty, fishing a quarter out of his pocket and placing into the public phone slot inside the car: Sorry doc. Janeway, Finishing off a long and boring speech. Cast can be heard snoring in the background: ...and soooo, to make a long story short, we're trapped here. Can you help us? Doc: Of course. [Back on Bridge] Janeway: Good, I'll be-- Tuvok, interrupting: Captain, I've discovered a way to return to own time. Hope you haven't made a deal with the pilot of the DeLorien. Janeway: Of course not. [finger slips to a button that says "Fake Torpedo hit, copyright 2280, J.T. Kirk."] [Bridge Shakes] Janeway: We're under attack! Arm Phasers and lock on Target! [Torres wakes up suddenly and knocks a coffee cup onto the weapons console, It shorts out and for some reason the science station explodes, killing a nameless Ensign.] Torres: Weapons are gone! Paris: They've got us outclassed! Tuvok: Captain, should I activate 'Solitaire?' Janeway: On three! One...two....five! Kim: Three Sir! Janeway: Shut up Kim! Three! Tuvok: Approaching 88 miles per hour! [Exterior shot, Voyager disappears into the rift again, leaving two trails of fire behind.] [Inside of DeLorien] Doc: Wonder what that as about? Marty: Isn't UPN a Paramount Network? Doc: Well, that explains it. [Exterior shot of Voyager, comes out of the rift and leaves two trails of fire behind it.] Neelix: AIIEEEE! [Bridge] Janeway: What was that? Neelix, storming onto the bridge: Days of our Lives was just about to end! God, why couldn't we have just stayed 5 minutes longer? Paris: You sod! I wet my pants I was so scared! Torres, giggling: Like that's hard to do! Tuvok: There is a small, defenseless ship in this sector, captain. Should we pursue and try to start the next episode right? Janeway: Engage! Picard: Hey! Torres: Shoo! Shooo! Janeway: Any way we can fit the doctor into this story? [Tuvok walks over to Kim and breaks Harry's arm.] Tuvok: Activate Emergency Medical Hologram. Doctor :Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Tuvok: Harry slipped on this spot of coffee and broke his arm. Kim: Did not! YOU broke it! Tuvok: Logically, it does not matter. Janeway: Bravo Tuvok! And find out how the hell those two tracks can even exist! Kim: Captain, it's a UPN sho--"gurgle gurgle" [Doctor is choking Kim.] Janeway: Doctor, your hippocratic oath.... Doctor: Sorry Captain. I just couldn't help myself. [Exterior shot, Voyager glides off, with tetris theme music playing in the background] Janeway: WHO THE HELL IS PLAYING THAT? [The Garage in California, 1997] [Black Car pulls into the driveway, to people step out.] Scully: Are you sure this is an X-File? Mulder: The truth is out there, Scully. Scully: You Trekkie twit. Mulder: What? Excuse me? Scully: I said BOO! WRECKING WHIP! Mulder: Oh. That's what I thought. [Cut to an overly dramatic shot, role credits.] WHAT DID WE LEARN THIS WEEK? VOYAGER RUNS ON DIESEL, THE MOST POWERFUL FUEL IN THE UNIVERSE.