If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is what planet I come from, how I got interested in Starfleet, and what lousy classes I took before I graduated, and all that Officer Self-Evaluation kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Nobody cares about all that stuff anyway, and it really has nothing to do with why I transferred out here and all. So I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened my last few days at conn, right before I came here to Starbase. That's all I put in my personal logs. I mean I know you're supposed to put every goddam thing that happens to you during the day in your personal logs, what you do off-duty and who you talk to and all, but to tell the truth, I don't want to tell anyone, even a computer, what I ate for breakfast or how long I brushed my teeth or how many drinks I had in Ten-Forward. I really don't.

Where I want to start telling is about a week before I left the Enterprise. The Enterprise is this Galaxy class starship that's as big as hell. You've probably heard of it.

You've probably read about all the historical stuff the captain's done, anyway. They're always telling everyone that he got assimilated to the Borg collective and then he and the first officer, Commander Riker, they saved the ship. Like as if all we ever did on the Enterprise was fight the Borg. I never even once saw one Borg ship anywhere near the place. And the plaques and all, they always say: "Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before." They didn't do any damn more exploring on the Enterprise than they do on any other starship. And we didn't go anywhere that no one had ever been before. Maybe two places. And we knew they were there in the first place.

Anyway, it was the night shift. I had the night shift conn. It was right before final crew evaluations, and you were supposed to act perfect as hell so you wouldn't get transferred and all. It was around seven o'clock in the morning, and I was sitting in the conn chair like always, but I was kind of horsing around with the sensor functions. You're supposed to be really attentive and all when you're at conn, but nothing ever happens during night shift, and nobody really sleeps at all during the day like we're supposed to. So we're all falling asleep all the time, and Commander Data has to wake us up. Commander Data is the executive officer on the bridge during the night shift, because he's an android and all and doesn't need any sleep or anything. The other reason I wasn't paying attention was because I was thinking about what I was going to tell old Data. He isn't really involved too much in crew evaluations, but he knew I wasn't coming back.

I forgot to tell you about that. I wasn't leaving because I requested transfer. They were kicking me off. They were going to give me a new position, on a Starbase and all, on account of I was always late to my shifts and never volunteered to pilot shuttlecraft and all. They kept warning me to come on time and to be alert and wear regulation uniform, but I didn't do it. So they recommended me for transfer. That's what the phonies in the senior crew call it. What it really means is, they're firing you because they don't think you're good enough for their ship. The Enterprise is a flagship, so it's supposed to have only the really good officers on the crew.

Anyway, it was the end of the night shift, and I was tired as hell. But old Data was wide awake as a hungry Tarcassian razor beast. He really was. And the night shift was just ending because it was seven o'clock and all. So old Riker came on the bridge and all and took over command of the bridge. Riker was the first officer of the Enterprise, like I told you, and he was phony as hell. He tried to act all friendly and personable and everything, like he liked you and all, but you could tell he really wanted to be a captain. I mean he did everything exactly like old Picard. Picard was the captain of the Enterprise. But anyway, old Riker would imitate old Picard to death. He would always say things the captain said, for example. He was always telling us to "engage" or "make it so." And he was always pulling down on the shirt of his uniform and walking around the bridge trying to look authoritative and all. To tell the truth, he didn't look authoritative at all. Not one bit.

The alpha shift conn officer, old Ensign T'Nel, took my place at conn. She was a Vulcan and all, and serious and logical as hell. She would always say the same thing to me when she sat down at the conn. "Ensign Caulfield, your duties as active officer at the flight control console has concluded." That killed me. I was just leaving the bridge to go talk with old Data when there was this really bright flash of light right in the middle of the bridge. And then, right out of nowhere, there was this Starfleet officer. He came out of the flash of light, I mean. He was in a uniform and all, and he was really tall with brown hair. He looked like a real bastard.

All of a sudden, the bridge was really quiet. Not the nice kind of peaceful quiet, but the kind that makes you really nervous, like when you're taking a test. The Starfleet officer that appeared in the flash of light was just looking around. He seemed kind of confused and all. Commander Riker kept staring at the bastard, but he didn't tell him to get off the bridge or anything. He just sat there in the captain's chair looking annoyed. If I was the commanding officer, I would have told that bastard to get the hell off my bridge. But old Riker didn't do anything.

In a minute or so the Starfleet officer stopped looking around the bridge like a moron and said, "Where's Jean-Luc?" He was asking old Riker. Jean-Luc was the first name of the captain, Captain Picard. I'd never actually heard anyone call the captain by his first name before, but everybody knew what it was. It was on all the plaques and all, right by the motto. Anyway, whenever anybody comes on the Enterprise, the first thing they always want to do is talk to the captain. If they don't, either they're unconscious or they're trying to commandeer the ship. I don't know why anybody would want to commandeer a crumby ship like the Enterprise, though. It's too big and there's too many security officers and all.

Anyway, the bastard in the Starfleet uniform asked where the captain was and all. And Riker told him, "He's off duty." Senior officers are always saying phony crap like that. Instead of saying, "I think he's in his quarters," or asking the computer to find somebody, they'll say that a person's off duty. It's just a way to pretend that they know when they really don't have the slightest idea. They just want to sound like they're in control of everything.

But then this really madman thing happened. There was another flash of light and the Starfleet officer just disappeared. One second he was there, and the next second he was gone. I have to admit, it scared me. It really did. That a person could just disappear into thin air like that. But there was nothing I could do about that poor bastard, so I got on the turbolift and went to talk to old Data.

Commander Data's quarters were on Deck 8 like the rest of the Senior Crew. When they would get on the turbolift, instead of going to Deck 2 to junior officers' quarters like I did, they would always say, all important and phony and all, "Deck 8." This time though, I got to tell the turbolift to go to Deck 8. I thought that because it was the senior officers' deck it would be really pretty or special somehow, but it wasn't. It was exactly the same as all the other corridors on the Enterprise. In a way, it was kind of sad, because they all acted like it was such an honor to have quarters on Deck 8, when it was just like all the other decks. I walked down the boring hall to Data's quarters. I pressed the button next to the doors that activates the door chime, and Commander Data answered, "Enter." It sounded like the kind of thing old Data would say, really formal and all. You know, most people answer their door chime with "Come in," or "Who is it?" or something like that, but old Data, he'd say something like "Enter." I went in.

The room was all filled with machines and computers. There was this enormous desk in the middle of it, with computer consoles all over it, and the rest of the quarters were all really white and clean and perfect. I couldn't see Commander Data, so I walked toward the bedroom. The door was open and all. Old Data was in there sitting on his bed, talking to his cat. I never really expected him to even have something like a cat. You would think that an android would be perfectly fine with just those computers. He'd understand them better and all. But there he was, old Commander Data, talking to this orange-striped cat. And not only that, but he was talking to it in a normal voice, not in the phony baby talk most people use with their pets. He treated it almost like a friend. Most people, they'll treat their best friends like stupid, expendable animals, but Data was just a machine with no feelings, and he thought of his cat as someone really important and interesting.

"Good morning, Ensign," old Data said. "Sit down."

There was this empty chair not too far from the bed. I sat down on it. "Sir," I said.

"As you are probably aware, it is customary for a senior officer to discuss the forthcoming transfer of a member of his staff with the officer being transferred," Data said. "In your case, I am the applicable senior officer."

"Yes, sir. I guess you are."

The orange-striped cat jumped out of old Data's arms and ran under the bed. Animals always do that around me. They'll take one look at me and hide from me like I'm going to hurt them and all. Even if they looked perfectly content a minute ago. Old Data watched the cat run under the bed but he didn't try to stop it. He just kind of watched it. He moved his eyes to follow the cat and all. But all he said was, "Spot does not like most humans."

Then he changed the subject like nothing at all had just happened. It was like his memory circuits lapsed, and he just forgot that his cat went under the bed. "Do you have any family that you would like to inform of your transfer?"

"No, sir." None that I wanted to tell, anyway. "My parents'd probably be pretty irritated about it. This is about the sixth ship I've been on without promotion."

Old Data got this phony look on his face, like he was concentrating really hard on something. He still looked like he was listening to me and all, except you could tell he was thinking about something else too. People don't think I can tell when they're doing that kind of thing, but I can. It's easy. Anyway, then Data opened his mouth to say something. I was all set to hear a crumby lecture about what potential I had as a Starfleet officer when one of those damn light flashes came again. The same guy in the Starfleet uniform from the bridge appeared, just like that, in Commander Data's quarters. He really did. Whoever this guy was, I thought, he was a real phony. He actually configured his transporter to make that big flash every goddam time he beamed himself somewhere. Phony as hell.

The Starfleet officer with the phony transporter ignored Data and talked to me instead. You'd expect someone to beam into another person's quarters to talk to the person who lives in them, not somebody who's just in there to hear a crumby lecture. But natural as hell, the bastard in the uniform said to me, all phony like he'd known me forever, "Why, if it isn't Holden Caulfield." He said it like we were best friends. Old buddies from the Academy and all. Before he transported himself on the bridge that morning, I'd never seen him before in my life.

"Yes, sir." I didn't know if he was really a Starfleet captain, but he had four pips on his collar, and it would have been disrespectful as hell not to call him sir.

"I," the officer said, like he was saying something really important, "am Q."

Normally I'm not sarcastic in front of my superior officers, but I couldn't help myself. I really couldn't. The bastard was asking for it, the way he introduced himself and all. "You're a letter of the goddam alphabet?"

Most people would have been offended as hell, but he wasn't. He just looked me straight in the eye, like he was going to sock me or something. But instead of that, he grinned wide as a bastard. "No, of course not," he said, like it should have been obvious that he was something much better than that. "I'm a member of the Q Continuum." He said, condescending as hell. "I'm an omnipotent being." He looked down at his uniform. I never know why people always look down when they're talking to you. Maybe they're looking to see if there's any lint on their shirts. In my opinion, even if a person does have lint on his shirt, he shouldn't try to pick it off while he's talking to you. It's like the piece of lint is more important than you are. Anyway, he kept talking while he looked down. "And I definitely do not look like this. Except when I'm visiting you humans, of course." How phony. Like we would be scared or something if we knew what he really looked like. I didn't know what to say to him though, still, because I didn't know how to act with an omnipotent being. If he was one, he could just decide he wanted me to disappear and I would just go away forever. I really would. So I didn't want to make him mad. I sort of nodded.

The Q went on, "Ensign Caulfield, I had such high aspirations for you." He shook his head, like he was ashamed of me. People are always doing that when they're trying to look sympathetic. They look like goddam sheepdogs. "I would have thought that you would have done something better with your puny lifetime than devoted it to Starfleet. How boring." The whole time, old Data just sat there with his mouth open, like he was frozen. He didn't move or anything, and at first I thought he was just watching really intently, but usually even when Data is concentrating, he'll move his face or his arms once in a while. Now, though, he didn't move at all. I thought maybe the Q had done something to stop him from moving and all. If he was omnipotent, he could do something like that. He could do anything he wanted. Sometimes I wish I could take control of people like that. I would freeze all the bastards and the phonies first.

The bastard didn't even wait for me to defend myself or anything. He just kept talking. "But I like you anyway, Holden," he said. All of a sudden he was really close to me, with my chin cupped tight as hell in his hand so I couldn't answer him. "And so has the Continuum, apparently. They told me to give you this." Then this red hunting cap landed in my lap. I picked it up to put it on, to show him I liked it and all, but this nectarine dropped out of it, just like that, and rolled across the floor. I tried to catch it, but it fell anyway. He was still sitting right in front of me and all, so I couldn't get up and get it, either. But considering it was a gift and all, I didn't just want to leave it there. The Q knew that, I guess, and the nectarine jumped up and sat in my lap again. I put the hat on, with the brim facing backwards. I caught myself in old Data's mirror out the corner of my eye. I looked good in it that way, with it facing backward. The Q didn't say anything about the hat.

He just flipped the nectarine into my hand. He didn't touch it or anything, he just made it go there or something. "You now have in your possession," the Q said, "the meaning of life. Slightly bruised. Enjoy." Then, he disappeared. Old Data still wasn't moving, so I got the hell out of his quarters. I didn't want to have to explain how I got the hat and the nectarine. So I just left. The last I saw of old Data, he was still sitting on the bed in his quarters like a crumby statue, with his mouth half-open.

I didn't really know what to do now, so I went to Ten-Forward. Ten-Forward is this bar on the ship where everybody goes when they're off-duty. It's supposed to be the only place on the whole ship where the senior officers and the junior officers are equal, but to tell the truth, the senior crew acts even more phony and superior there. But I went there anyway, because I felt like having a drink, and maybe shooting the breeze with a couple of ensigns from the night shift. I kept the hat on, but I still didn't know what to do with the goddam nectarine. I just kind of held it in my hand and hoped no one would notice it.

When I first got to Ten-Forward, I sort of stood in the doorway for a minute or so, looking to see if I knew anybody in there. There wasn't. It never fails-- whenever you really need a drink, there's nobody in Ten-Forward to talk to. It's no fun going to Ten-Forward if you don't have someone to talk to. But I really felt like having a drink, so I sat down at an empty table and ordered a Romulan ale. I asked the waiter if he could give me a real one, with alcohol in it and all, but he told me no, all they had was synthahol. All they ever have in Ten-Forward is crumby synthahol. That stuff makes me want to puke.

The waiter gave me my damn synthahol Romulan ale. I was just getting to drink it when somebody came to the table I was sitting at. It was the ship's counselor, Deanna Troi. Actually, Counselor Troi is quite attractive. The only problem is, she's got these really big knockers, and you can tell she's always trying to show them off. I mean, when she's on duty, she wears a Starfleet uniform like everyone else, but she was off-duty now, and she was wearing this really tight lavender jumpsuit. It looked like goddam leotards or something, except with pants sewn to the bottom. It looked good on her though, anyway. It really did. If a girl's really pretty, she can wear just about anything and look nice.

She asked if she could sit down and all, and I said "Yes, please." I gave her this sexy little smile. When I want to be, I'm sexy as hell. She didn't seem to notice, though. Probably, she's used to it. If a girl goes around wearing something tight as that, I mean, guys are going to flirt with her like crazy. She acted like she didn't care, but you could tell she really wanted all the bastards in Ten-Forward to notice her. What a phony. Anyway, this waiter came along again, the same one that had given me the crumby synthahol, and she ordered a hot chocolate. If you want to know the truth, replicated chocolate isn't very good either, but it's better than goddam synthahol. Even the food on the Enterprise was phony. I swear to god. It was all replicated and all.

Anyway, when the waiter went away, Counselor Troi started talking to me. She smiled at me, phony as hell, and said, "Ensign Caulfield, I understand you're being transferred from the Enterprise." I didn't say anything. I mean, people had been saying phony crap like that to me all week, like they cared. Nobody really cared that I was leaving the Enterprise. They really didn't. I just sort of nodded. She kept talking, in this soft, sweet, voice. "You've been doing a lot of moving from ship to ship, haven't you?"

"Yes, sir," I said. I didn't exactly expect to call her sir, but I guess I was used to it. We were both off duty, and she was in that crumby leotards outfit, but she was still my superior officer. "More than most people, I guess."

"Actually, it's perfectly normal to do some moving around after you first leave the Academy. Working on a starship is a big adjustment. Sometimes it takes a while for you to feel comfortable."

"I don't think I've been trying that hard, though," I said. "To feel comfortable, I mean." She had this way of making me feel relaxed, like I could tell her about how I felt. Most of the ship's counselors they send you to don't really understand how you feel at all, but I think she really did. Maybe she was a Betazoid or something. I don't know.

"I think you're trying very hard," she said, but I think she was trying to make me feel better about myself. It sounded kind of phony. "You might just need a little time before you're ready to serve on a starship. I didn't go straight to a starship after I graduated from Starfleet Academy. I decided to study psychology before I asked for an assignment from Starfleet. Many people do that sort of thing, and afterward, they feel more ready to work in space."

Then, I started to feel really bad. There I was, not really caring what she said at all, when she was really trying to help me and all. I said, "I guess so. I mean, that might be a good idea." I wondered if I'd go and study something like she did. Whatever I did, I sure as hell wasn't going to get a degree in psychology. I never know how people are feeling, or how to make them feel better. I always want to, but I never can.

Anyway, she said, "I'm glad you think so." She reached across the table and took my hand in both of hers. That kind of scared me, and I pulled away from her. I mean, she was probably just trying to be friendly and all, but you never know. You really don't. "We're going to drop you off at Starbase 47 in a few hours," she told me. She didn't seem too concerned that I didn't want her to hold her hand. Usually girls get mad as hell when you don't want to hold their hands, but Counselor Troi didn't seem to mind. "When you get there, you can decide what you want to do next."

Then, I remembered about the nectarine. For some reason, I felt like I should show it to her. So I just picked it up from my lap and put it on the table. "Some guy named Q gave me this," I said. She smiled when I said that. I don't know why. "Should I keep it?"

"If you want to," she said. So I took it off the table and sort of cleaned it off on the front of my uniform.

"I ought to get packed up," I told her.

Well, that's all I really want to tell about being on the Enterprise. I mean, you probably want to know what I'm going to do next, if I'm going to take more classes at Starfleet Academy and all. The answer is, I don't know. It's funny, I kind of miss the Enterprise now. I didn't really think I was going to care about it all that much, but I do. About all I know is, I sort of miss everybody I told about. Even old Riker and Ensign T'nel, for instance. It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.