TITLE: THE CAVE OF HORRORS

RATING: BW-13 (Beware! Weirdness! Those under 13 may be
overly frightened)

AUTHOR: Meagan Weich, who is 15 and has never tried anything
	like  this before. Comments? Hate mail? Send to
	richard@molalla.net. 

Warning! Be nice! This is actually my dad's e-mail address
and he  gets to everything first. When he got that e-mail
from my  ex-boyfriend first.... let's just say it wasn't
pretty.

DISCLAIMER: (clears throat. Speaks with voice of one who has
read  many of these types of disclaimers.) Okay. (taps
microphone) Is this thing on? Anyway, I'd just like to take a
moment to say... PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm only borrowing these guys. I know they belong to those
Paramount dudes and all, but I was at a loss for characters.
I have a few minor plans for these guys, but  I will return
them in their original condition (If that was how you really
wanted Janeway and Tuvok, that's weird, but it's your
business). Anyway, like I said, I'm fifteen. What would you
get from suing me anyway? A few CD's and a 
discman?

By the way, my apologies to the makers of Spam, the Spice
Girls, and  Hanson. Well, maybe not Hanson.

I think this is the part where I start the story.

KLINGON GENERAL'S WARNING: It has been determined that this
story is  fairly stupid and probably dangerous to your
health.

(a voice from above as we see a shot of a purplish green
planet)

B'ELANNA: Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate... um... I think it
	started with a 3, and there might have been a five in
	there somewhere. Anyway, there's  this away mission
	we're on, that would be me, the bi- I mean Seven of
	Nine, my sweet- I mean Tom Paris, and Chakotay. And
	there was this engine trouble and we sort of crashed.
	So we kind of got separated. Seven and I are in this
	cave type thing, and we can't find Tom and Chakotay.
	Seven and I are trying to repair the shuttle, but 
	we keep being pestered by the natives. I hope that Tom
	is having more fun.

(scene shows Seven and B'Elanna puttering around the remains
of the shuttle)

SEVEN: I beleive I have located the cause of the crash. 
B'ELANNA: What this time?
SEVEN: During  the last mission this shuttlecraft was on,
	Neelix accidentally dumped some of his offensive
	cuisine into the plasma manifold.
B'ELANNA: No wonder it died. 
SEVEN: Can you repair the damage?
B'ELANNA: Nope. We're stuck. We've got to find Tom. The poor
	boy is probably getting lonely by now.
SEVEN: He may be with Chakotay.
B'ELANNA: Who?
SEVEN: Chakotay. (sees blank look on B'Elanna's face) You
	know, the Indian guy? Your best pal from way back
	whenever?
B'ELANNA: Oh, him. Yeah, we'll find him too. 
SEVEN: I believe that the natives are coming back.
B'ELANNA: Great. Just what we need... Wait a minute. Maybe
	they can help us. Maybe they've seen Tom.
SEVEN: And Chakotay.
B'ELANNA: Whatever. (turns to short primitive tribesman)
	um... Hi.  I'm B'Elanna Torres. We're looking for our
	friend. He's about this  tall (holds her hand several
	inches above her head), blue eyes, kind of brownish-
	blond hair, extremely good looking, a really good...
SEVEN: (elbows B'Elanna in the ribs) Enough.
B'ELANNA: Anyway, have you guys seen him?
NATIVE: Unghwo. (grunts a bit, then nods, grabs B'Elanna by
	the arm and starts dragging her into the bushes)
B'ELANNA: Come on Seven! I think he knows where Tom is.
SEVEN: Perhaps he is leading you into a trap.
B'ELANNA: Nah. I don't think he'd do that. Try to be a little
	more trusting.
SEVEN: (muttering) I really hate her. Why did  *I* have to
	get stuck with her? Why not Chakotay?

(Meanwhile, two kilometers away)
TOM: We've got to find B'Elanna!
CHAKOTAY: And Seven.
TOM: Who?
CHAKOTAY: Seven of Nine. (sees the blank look on Tom's face)
	You know, the Borg chick? Resistance is futile? You
	will be assimilated?
TOM: Oh, her. Yeah, we'll find her too.
CHAKOTAY: Oh, great! Those [BLEEP]ing natives are back.
TOM: Why don't you help them find their spirit guides or
	something?
NATIVE:Unghowa. (Clubs Chakotay in the head with his nicely
	decorated staff. Another native does the same to Tom).
	Ha ha ha! I love pulling the primitive bit on aliens!
NATIVE 2: Let's take these guys to the cavern. Did the others
	find the people they were talking about.
NATIVE: Yeah. They're leading them to the cavern as we speak.
	Let's go.

(Scene: Back on Voyager in the conference room. Harry, Tuvok, 
Janeway, Neelix, and Kes are there)

JANEWAY: Wait just a [BLEEP]ing minute here. Kes? I thought
	she trancended to a higher realm or something.
KES: (in true Homer Simpson fashion) Doh! (disappears in a
	puff of smoke. A small pile of fairy dust is left in
	the chair)
JANEWAY: Okay. Let's try this again.
NARRATOR: Must we?
JANEWAY: Yes. You screwed up my scene which probably should
	have been intended to heighten the drama. We're missing
	four important crew members, you know.
NARRATOR: Who's writing this? You or me? Oh well. I'm not
	doing anything else.

(Scene: Back on Voyager in the conference room. Harry, Tuvok, 
Janeway, and Neelix are there.)

JANEWAY: I'll assume that you all know what is going on,
	right?
EVERYBODY: Yes Captain.
JANEWAY: And I assume you all know what happens when Seven
	and Chakotay both leave.
EVERYONE BUT TUVOK: PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HARRY: I'll get the decorations!
NEELIX: I'll take care of the refreshments!
TUVOK: What about finding our missing crew members?
JANEWAY: We'll just have a nameless ensign set a course for
	that planet. Us important people will be having a party
	until we arrive.
TUVOK: Sounds logical to me. Care to dance?

(Scene: The Cavern on the planet's surface. The group of
natives bringing B'Elanna and Seven is just arriving)

B'ELANNA: So, are Tom and that other guy in here?
NATIVE: Not yet. But they will be.
B'ELANNA: Hey! You can speak English!
NATIVE: Duh. Doesn't everybody in this quadrant.
B'ELANNA: Yeah, I guess so. So when do Tom and the other guy
	get here?
NATIVE: Sooner than you think. Now stop asking questions. 

(Clubs B'Elanna in the head. Then whacks Seven.)

NARRATOR: Since all of the main people are unconscious or
	really drunk (our little party crowd back on Voyager),
	I have to fill in the blank. Since I don't know what
	it's like to be unconscious because I have never had
	the privilege, this will be short. Um, let's see. It
	was dark, I think. Actually, B'Elanna was probably
	having a really nice dream about you know who. Anyway,
	when B'Elanna and Seven finally came back to the world
	of the waking, they were quite tied up.

(Scene: The great Cavern of the Natives. Tom and Chakotay are
tied to a post in the middle of the cavern. Seven and
B'Elanna are tied to the south wall. The natives are gathered
around the center of the cave in a circle. The crowd parts at
one side and two well dressed natives walk in carrying a blue
can with yellow letters. They attempt to feed it to Tom and
Chakotay.)

TOM: Yecch! This stuff is worse than Neelix's cooking.
CHAKOTAY: What is this god-awful stuff?
NATIVE: This is the sacred SPAM. You must eat more to prepare
	for the sacrifice.
CHAKOTAY: Sacrifice? Eat more? You've got to be kidding!
TOM: I don't like this!
NATIVE: You must eat the SPAM! (two of them pry Chakotay's
	mouth open, another starts shoving Spam down his
	throat. They do the same to Tom)
B'ELANNA: Hey! Leave him alone!

(Suddenly, a fearsome noise begins. All natives fall to their
knees and bow to the ground)

B'ELANNA: What's happening now?
NATIVES: THE GODS APPROACH! THEY MUST APPROVE THE SACRIFICE!
B'ELANNA: Wait just a blinkety-blank minute here! Nobody's 
	sacrificing my boyfriend to any awful sounding gods! 

(Noticing that no one is paying any attention, she begins to
work at the ropes holding her prisoner. The three blond gods
walk in and inspect the sacrifice)

ZACK HANSON: Looks all right to  me. Do you think the girls
	will agree?
OTHER TWO: Yep. Looks good.
ZACK: You know what that means. (other two nod)
HANSON: MMM Bop!
VOYAGER CREW: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: IT'S HORRIBLE!
CHAKOTAY: SPIRITS SAVE US!
B'ELANNA: I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!
SEVEN: I am experiencing a new sensation. I believe it is
	called.... 
NAUSEA! (She pukes all over the nearest native)

(As the Hanson brats finish up their song, an even greater
terror arrives)

SPICE GIRLS: Yo! I'll tell you what I want, what I really
	really want.
VOYAGER CREW: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
TOM: Hey they're pretty hot.... (sees B'Elanna) THOSE ARE THE
	UGLIEST WOMEN I'VE EVER SEEN! I THINK I'M BLIND!!
CHAKOTAY: MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!! THEY'RE HURTING MY EYES!!!
	AND MY EARS TOO!!!!
B'ELANNA: YOU TRAMPS JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF TOM!
SEVEN: (says nothing. She rather likes the music)

(Spice Girls finish singing. Baby Spice makes her way to Tom)

BABY SPICE: Hey hot stuff. Are you doing anything tonight?
TOM: Oh Baby!
B'ELANNA: THAT'S IT!!! (Snaps ropes like they were made of
	nothing and charges for the center of the cavern,
	killing anything that gets in the way. She snaps Tom
	and Chakotay's ropes then kills everyone in the cavern
	minus Tom, Chakotay, and Seven. Just barely stops
	herself from killing Seven. Runs over to Tom)
B'ELANNA: Are you okay, honey. (holds Tom in her arms)
TOM: It was horrible! They fed us nasty stuff and then the
	blond boys danced around singing, and then the girls
	came in and they sang! 

(Breaks down crying on B'Elanna's shoulder.) 

SEVEN: Would you please untie me now? (Chakotay unties her.
	Just then a severely hung over away team walks in. The
	team is composed of 
Janeway, Tuvok, Kim, and a couple of nameless ensigns.)
JANEWAY: (Surveying the scene) What happened here!?
TOM: (Still hysterical. Screaming) IT WAS HORRIBLE I TELL
	YOU!!!!  JUST AWFUL!!!!!!!
JANEWAY AND KIM: Stop yelling!! You're hurting my head!
TUVOK: Tuvok to Voyager... (Stops to count) Nine to beam up. 
KIM: Are you sure? I think I see fifty. 

(Shot of Voyager orbiting the same purplish green planet.
Voice over  of Janeway)
JANEWAY: Captain's Log: Stardate 3... um, 3... 5? Well,
	something like that. Though I have a really bad
	headache and I obviously don't have much purpose in
	this story, I feel it necessary to say something here
	because... well, because at this point in the show,
	some one generally says something meaningful or learns
	an important lesson. So anyway, here goes. (Clears
	throat) Although the Doctor tells me that the away team
	has suffered no physical injury, he and I fear that the
	psycholgical damage may not... um, may not... Well,
	some technical thingie. Gotta go!

(Scene: The mess hall. Torres and Paris are sharing their
tragic experience with Ensign Kim and Neelix.)

TOM: And then B'Elanna here gets loose and kills them all
	before they can start another song.
KIM: Bravo! 
NEELIX: (to B'Elanna) Don't you feel guilty for killing all
	of those people?
B'ELANNA: Hanson and the Spice Girls? Nah. I think I've done 
	something for the good of all sentient life in the
	galaxy.
KIM: I'll drink to that!
NEELIX: You're not becoming an alcoholic are you?
KIM: Figure of speech, Neelix.

(End of show type laughter. Cutesy music.)
(Shot of the outside of the ship. Voyager, for some strange
reason, goes to warp and knocks the planet out of orbit.
Voice over of Janeway)

JANEWAY: Neelix!! Come get this pathetic substitute for
	macaroni out of the dilithium matrix!

                              THE END

End note: My apologies again to the Spice Girls. I actually
like the Spice Girls. But I like my own group, the Spice
Borg, better. We assimilate Spice Girls songs! My favorites?
Assimilate Your Life and Saturday Night Drones.