Please email all comments, opinions, quotations, and threats to me at pilot12@excite.com.
{Threats are not solicited}
This is the series of unknown proportion by Matt Troyer and a book about Star Trek:
Continental.
Warning! Warning! Warning! This next paragraph is extremely boring and susceptible
audience members may not make it through.
All the Star Trek characters are property of Paramount except the Continental crew. I
don't want to get sued, so there is no infringement intended on this or my previous stories.
Anything that has to with Taco Bell is probably the property of Taco Bell. I like and
support Taco Bell every chance I get, which is why I have created the Vulcan
Ambassador to Taco Bell. And I quote some Dr. Suess Marvin K. Mooney will you Please
Go Now! It's published by Random House. Some of these Dr. Suess Books are quite
enjoyable.
This is the ol' tried an true rating system.
S: Stupidity.
N: Unnecessary reading.
A: Adolescent stupidity.
V: Unrealistic portrayal of women {and men}
L: Language barriers.
T: Time travel.
P: Explicit use of pies. {not very common}
Y: Explicit use of yams. {more common than you would think}
G: Stupid guest stars.
This parady contains: {S, N, A, V, G}
Captain: Adam Brinkman, Brinkman1, captain on paper only
First Officer: Gama, Vulcan
Head Engineer: Matt Troyer, power behind the throne, everyone likes him better than
Brinkman1
Ops: Joseph Amano
Security: Ario Bridges, Heran, genetically engineered humans from some book I read
Doctor: Lauren Gardner
Just is there: Drew Kamler
Security guard: Carrie Brooks, a supermodel
Helm: Elizabeth Waltner/Andrew Brinkman{Brinkman2} switch on an off because one
is always in trouble, Waltner used to be a janitor
Not in Story but Characters Nonetheless
Raeshaun: 117 1/5 year old man with a passion for sleeping, was abandoned by a man who
delcared war on Klingon Empire
Dustin Cullen: in one story went insane and melted and crawled in ship's vent, is now ice
cube in space
Gunther: popular chipmunk pet of Cullen, also ran in vent
Cement: was Captain, now fleet admiral
This is kind of going to be a parody of Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country. Some
substitutions have been made for characters and plotlines, however. Before I explain them, let me tell you this
is how Matt Troyer became the only Official Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell. I'm sure there are many stories
out there of how I became the Ambassador, but this is the only official one.
Now, the plot and character changes. The Klingons have been substituted for Tacos. The Enterprise and crew
have been substituted for the Continental and crew. This takes place during the Continental time and not the
Enterprise A or C or whatever. Commisioner Ben Schlegel and the Enterprise E make a guest appearance as
replacements for Sulu.
Here is a list of the supporting cast/tacos:
Beefkon: Taco chancellor, replaces Gorkon
Azetburrito: Beefkons daughter
Hugh: replaces the military adviser of Gorkon
General Taco: replaces Chang
Cartwright: same character as in movie, except he wants to eat tacos while they can
Al Gore: himself
Valeris: conspirator
On the Enterprise E
Schlegel: So, how bout them Cubs?
Worf: They are almost good.
Data: I fail to see what the significance baby bears have on this ship.
Schlegel: They don't have any, really. I was talking about baseball.
{big explosion rocks ship} What the *censored* was that?
Worf: It was Earth sir. It has exploded.
Riker: Earth? That wasn't supposed to blow up. Wasn't some sort of moon the thing
to blow up?
Data: That is correct. The moon Tacoix was supposed to blow up. Unfortunately
it appears that the stunt coordinator set the explosives on the wrong planet.
Schlegel: Well alrighty then. Let's modify the script accordingly. Mr Worf, contact the
Taco homeworld and report to them Earth has blown up.
Data: We are about to get hit by a 7 shock wave.
Schlegel: We already got hit by a shockwave.
Worf: Incoming!!! {every dives and shakes around and Schlegel's Grape Slice is
spilled on the floor}
Schlegel: {roars} WHO SPILLED MY GRAPE SLICE?
Troi: The shockwave did, Commisioner.
Schlegel: NO! Wait a second. Aren't we supposed to contact Starfleet or something?
Troi: I believe the tacos may need help.
Schlegel: They'll just have to suck it up. Contact Starfleet, tell them the Tacos will not
allow us to help them and that in 50 years all Tacos will be stale.
Worf: But Commisioner, none of that is true.
Schlegel: Maybe not, but Command will believe anything.
Back on Earth In Top Secret Meeting
Admrial 1: I do not need to remind you that this meeting is confidential. {in walk
the senior crew of Continental, Brinkman1, Troyer, Gama, and
Kamler, Waltner} YOU FOUR ARE LATE!
Troyer: Oh no. Are you going to give us a tardy? And by the way, there are
five of us, bright one.
Admiral 1: We'll see whose laughing when you guys hear your assignment.
{evil cackle} May I introduce you to your C in C!
Brinkman1: WAIT! How is the C in C elected? Are we really a democracy?
He was nominated by the Council wasn't he? Another example of
your totalitarian government that you claim is best for us.
Admiral 1: SHUT UP!
Cartwright: Thats enough. Let this guy here takeover this meeting. He'll explain
what this is all about.
Spock: The Taco Empire has
approxiamtely 50 days until it collapses. {everyone gasps} Due to the
explosion of Tacoix, the main Taco producer of heating energy, the Taco
life expectancy has plummeted from 1 year to 14 days. Without heat to warm up
and get rid of bacteria they are dying before they can be eaten. Births are
stillborn, and their youths are dying. Therefore, Starfleet has decided to save
them. By saving them now, it will be real good in future crisises we encounter.
Brinkman1: But if the Tacos are about dead, why not let them die? All the problems they
have caused us, they don't deserve to live.
Troyer: I agree. Kick them while they're down. Then they won't be able to get back
up.
Cartwright: Just think of all the hunger in the universe. All of it would be satiated
temporarily by feeding everyone Tacos. The Federation would even become
stronger. Without the Tacos WE will be the premier power in the Alpha
Quadrant.
Admiral 2: But...
Troyer: The Tacos don't even deserve to live. They aren't even human.
Spock: This is not up for debate. You are being ordered to volunteer for a peace
mission meeting the Tacos and escorting them to Earth.
Cartwright: Are we talking about the mothballing of Starfleet?
Spock: No, we are talking about the mothballing of these Starfleet uniforms.
Horrendous, aren't they?
Brinkmkan1: But...
Spock: No buts.
Kamler: I've got a butt.
Spock: As do I.
Troyer: And I'm going to kick it if you make us go.
Spock: You are not being asked to volunteer for this mission. You are being ordered to
volunteer for this mission. This meeting is adjourned.
Troyer: Prick.
Admiral 1: This meeting is adjourned. {everyone leaves except Spock and Continental
crew}
Kamler: Hey Spocky boy, whats your deal?
Gama: I concur. Why are you making us do this?
Brinkman1: Yeah, I'm more of a pizza guy anyway.
Spock: Due to your past troubles with the Tacos you are the perfect representatives for
this.
Troyer: We never have had any troubles with the Tacos
Spock: Oh. Well, thats not important. What is is that you hate the Tacos.
Kamler: We don't hate the Tacos.
Spock: Oh. What is important is that you have a ship.
Brinkman1: Actually, you impounded the ship.
Spock: FINE! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID SHIP. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
On Board the Continental
Brinkman1: Stupid morons. I don't care what happens to the Tacos. I hope the cheese
evaporates. {walks onto bridge}
Valeris: Hey, fellow conspirators, the Captain's here so don't say any of our secret info
outloud.
Brinkman1: Um...thats not exactly the greeting I expected, but whatever.
Kamler: This could be taken as a bad omen.
Brinkman2: Amen.
Kamler: I said omen.
Brinkman2: So did I.
Kamler: No, you said Amen.
Brinkman2: We're not in church.
Brinkman1: Who are you?
Brinkman2: Me? I'm you're brother.
Brinkman1: Not you. The girl. Alien babe. Vulcan chic.
Valeris: I am Valeris.
Kamler: So, are you plotting against Starfleet too?
Valeris: There is just one of me.
Brinkman1: Shut it. Valeris, since you're right there, take helm. Fly us out of this piece
of *censored* excuse of a space station at full thrusters.
Valeris: Sir, may I remind you only warp 6 or above is allowed in space dock. {everyone
raises their eyebrows and stuff}
Gama: I believe the Captain said full thrusters, Lieutenant.
Valeris: Very well sir. {they fly out and are totaled by a ship traveling at warp 7 inside
the spacedock, several months later they get a new ship and escape the
spacedock}
Brinkman1: There, now that wasn't so bad, was it?
In Brinkman1's Quarters
Brinkman1: Captain Brinkman's Personal log, stardate 402 627 4715. I just heard a great
joke today from the real captain of this ship, Commander Troyer. How many
Tacos does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. One to hold the lightbulb and four
to turn the house! HAHAHAHAHAHA! {in walks Valeris} You know, I do
have a doorbell.
Valeris: As do I. I fail to see your point.
Brinkman1: You walked into my quarters without warning me. I could have been doing
something bad and caught me in a compromising situation.
Valeris: That is why interns are no longer allowed on the ship .
Brinkman1: Not that.
Valeris: Then what do you mean?
Brinkman1: Nothing.
Valeris: Perhaps you could have been telling politically incorrect Taco jokes and you
didn't want me to tape you and report you?
Brinkman1: Well...um...uh...I guess thats one option.
Valeris: Not like it would ever happen though.
Brinkman1: Me telling politically incorrect jokes or you recording them?
Valeris: You can bet your bottom dollar that if you told a politically incorrect joke I
would be there to tape it.
Brinkman1: Thanks. I think.
Valeris: But that is not what I am here for.
Brinkman1: Oh. Good.
Valeris: I have never wanted to leave spacedock like that, sir. It is an honor serving
with Commander Troyer.
Brinkman1: Yes it is. Wait a minute. Did you say it was an honor serving with me or
Troyer?
Valeris: An honor serving with you? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am sorry. I lost my Vulcan
control momentarily. Thank you for your time. {as she leaves she starts
laughing again}
In Troyer's Quarters
Troyer: How did you get here so fast from Brinkman1 land?
Valeris: I flew.
Troyer: You know, I've never followed your career or heard of you before today,
and according to your laughter as you left Brinkman1's room, I'm not too
impressed on how you've progressed as a Vulcan. What did he do, hit on you?
Valeris: I would have laughed harder.
Troyer: That's what I suspected.
Valeris: You know, me and several other crewmen and highranking Starfleet officials are
planning to kill Beefkon and start a war with the Taco Empire.
Troyer: Jello is truly amazing, isn't it? You think it would be classified as a liquid or a
solid?
Valeris: We plan on using a cloaked ship directly beneath the Continental that can fire
while cloaked and make it look like we fired on the Tacos.
Troyer: But jello is just as good as Tacos.
Valeris: Then, after gravity is out, some Starfleet people will beam over and brutally
murder Beefkon and anyone who gets in our way.
Troyer: We should not kill Tacos, no matter how good they are to eat.
Valeris: Then, intergalactic war will break out, and Starfleet will not be mothballed.
Troyer: Thanks, its dinner time. Care to join me?
Valeris: Sure.
On the Bridge
Brinkman1: {enters with Troyer and Valeris} Hey Gama, have a seat.
Gama: Very well. {sits on whoopee cushion placed in chair by someone}
Everyone: Hahahahahahaha!
Gama: I am not amused.
Troyer: I sure am!
Everyone: Hahahahahahahaha!
Gama: The Taco ship is approaching.
Brinkman1: Alright everyone. Please wipe the tears and all smiles off your face. We don't
want to look like we're having fun. {everyone sits in silence and stare at the
Taco vessel}
On Taco Vessel
Beefkon: Aren't they supposed to hail us?
General Taco: I think they are ignoring us. Let's destroy them for mocking our empire by
telling Taco jokes.
Beefkon: How do you know they tell Taco jokes?
General Taco: A little recording sent to me by a Vulcan on the Continental. Wait a second,
thats supposed to be secret information.
Beefkon: What is secret information?
General Taco: NOTHING! NOTHING IS SECRET INFORMATION! I am not plotting to kill
you and start a war with the Federation! Honest!
Beefkon: I guess we just sit here until they hail us
On Continental
Kamler: Why are we just sitting here?
Troyer: If you want we can all stand.
Kamler: No, i like sitting.
Gama: Shouldn't we talk to the Tacos or something?
Troyer: Talk to the Tacos. Talk. Tacos. Talk. Tacos. Talk. Tacos.
TalkTacostalkTacostalkTacostalkTacos!
Brinkman1: By the way, why aren't we talking to the Tacos?
Brinkman2: Because their line is busy.
Brinkman1: You're the helmsmen. How would you know?
Brinkman2: Troyer told me.
Troyer: I did no such thing.
Brinkman1: Are you a spy?
Brinkman2: NO! I am not conspiring with Valeris to return us to anarchy!
On Taco Vessel
Beefkon: Seriously. I think they should be hailing us or something.
General Taco: They have insulted our honor! Fire on them!
Azetburrito: Shut up.
General Taco: {muttered} Stupid b--
Beefkon: HEY! Thats my daughter you're talking about!
General Taco: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say stupid blondes. What did you-
Someone: We are being hailed.
Beefkon: About time.
On the Continental
Bridges: I have finally got through the busy signal. They are answering now.
On Taco Ship
General Taco: NO! We will not accept a collect call!
On the Continental
Bridges: Sir, they will not accept a collect call.
Brinkman1: Dang. I guess you call them long distance. {Beefkon appears on the screen}
Beefkon: Hi.
Brinkman1: Hi. {sit in silence for several moments}
Beefkon: So...how are you?
Brinkman1: Fine, fine...And you?
Beefkon: Not bad.
Brinkman1: That's good.
Beefkon: Yep.
Brinkman1: Umm hmm.
Beefkon: Sure is.
Brinkman1: Absolutely.
Beefkon: Yep.
Brinkman1: Umm hmm.
Beefkon: Yep.
Brinkman1: Umm hmm.
Beefkon: Yep.
Brinkman1: Umm hmm.
Beefkon: Yep.
Brinkman1: Umm hmm.
Troyer: Enough!
Brinkman1: So...got any plans for dinner?
Beefkon: Just eating aboard our ship.
Brinkman1: How'd you like to come to our ship?
Beefkon: Hey! How bout if we come to your ship!
Brinkman1: Sure. Come to our ship.
Beefkon: Whats for dinner?
Brinkman1: I was thinking maybe...
Valeris: Tacos.
Beefkon: {roars} WHAT!?!?
Brinkman1: Valeris! Bad girl! Bad bad girl! We'll have jello or Russian fur or
something. {Whispered} Just ignore her, she's Vulcan.
Beefkon: Ah. I understand.
General Taco: It's an honor fighting you, Captain Brinkman.
Brinkman1: Actually, I pretend to run the ship, so I am Captain Adam Brinkman. And we're
not at war.
Brinkman1: It was nice talking to you.
Valeris: No it wasn't.
Brinkman1: VALERIS! Bad! Bad! Go stand in the corner! See you at dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Supper.
Brinkman1: Dinner.
Beefkon: Fine! We're coming now. Then you won't have time to prepare food.
Brinkman1: Ok. We expect reimbursement on this long distance call.
Beefkon: Beefkon out.
Brinkman2: Guess who's coming to dinner.
Troyer: Who?
Brinkman2: Uh...is this a trick question?
Troyer: No, I wasn't listening.
Brinkman2: Tacos.
Troyer: Are for dinner?
Brinkman2: Are coming TO dinner.
Brinkman1: Who invited the Tacos to dinner?
Kamler: I think you did.
Brinkman1: Now what did I do that for?
In Transporter Room on Continental
Brinkman1: Well, let's beam them over already.
Troyer: Are you sure you don't want them beamed to the kitchen to be cooked?
Brinkman1: Positive.
Kamler: Are you sure you don't want me to "accidently" scramble their molecules?
Brinkman1: Ummm...better not. {Tacos are beamed over}
Beefkon: {heartily} Hello! {slaps Brinkman1 on the back} Let me introduce you to my
escort party. This is my beautiful daughter, Azetburrito, who by the way is
single and she is about ready to be married. She needs a husband if anyone is
interested.
Troyer: {sarcastically} It's a wonder you haven't already found a husband.
Beefkon: Yes, it is. Would you be interested?
Troyer: Uh...I'm already married. Right Brooks?
Brooks: I guess so.
Beefkon: You could take another wife.
Troyer: I already have...uh...three wives.
Beefkon: Taco tradition allows upto ten wives.
Troyer: I guess I'm out. I have, uh, 13 wives. [I do not support or condone polygamy]
Beefkon: A shame. This is my General Taco. These are two body guards, their mouths
are glued shut. And this is my military, Hugh.
Kamler: That's your military? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Troyer: And to think we thought they had a huge military! They have a HUGH military!
Kamler: HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Gama: I believe you have insulted our guest. {Beefkon is attacking several
unimportant rednecks--er--I mean redshirts}
Brinkman1: {sighs} Worf, kill them.
Troyer: Um...Worf is on Deep Space Nine.
Brinkman1: Well...I don't suppose you want to kill them.
Troyer: No.
Brinkman1: Like the old saying goes, "When violence fails, use diplomacy." Will you
do something? [actually I invented the saying right now so maybe it will be old
by the time you read this]
Troyer: Hey Beefkon, if you stop the Federation won't destroy the Tacos.
Beefkon: I will only stop if you marry my daughter.
Troyer: Uh...like I said...I have 15--
Beefkon: 13.
Troyer: --wives. Fifteen, thirteen, it's all the same. I'm sure Brinkman1 will marry your
daughter.
Brinkman1: I WOULD RATHER GO TO--
Troyer: {glares}
Brinkman1: {meekly} --the wedding right now, I think.
Troyer: Let's go get you two love birds married so we can have dinner.
15 Minutes Later
Troyer: I now pronounce you man and Taco.
Brinkman1: {lets out a Klingon a death howl}
Kamler: So, who's hungry? {they all walk to dining hall}
Troyer: A toast, to the newlyweds.
Brinkman2: Here here! {all sit in silence}
Troyer: Well, if nobody's gonna talk, I've got a question. How many people actually
learn karate for self defense? Seriously, maybe a couple of mothers do, but,
you're teaching a kid to kick off someone elses head. That is way more than self
defense.
Beefkon: Your knowledge and grasp of things around you impresses me. You would
have been a fine son in law. {looks at Brinkman1} I guess beggars can't be
choosers.
Troyer: Ponder this. What would the world be like without rhetorical questions?
General Taco: {to Brinkman1} So, from one warrior to another, I hear you're fond of Dr Suess.
Brinkman1: Yes, I am. I don't suppose you are?
General Taco: I am, actually. He looked at things at more of a Taco view of life than a human
view.
Brinkman1: Speaking of Dr. Suess, let me take this quote from him. "You can go on stilts,
You can go by fish, You can go in a Crunk Car if you wish. If you wish you may
go by a lions tail. Or stamp yourself and go by mail. Marvin K. Mooney! Don't
you know the time has come to go, Go, GO!"
Beefkon: Mr. Troyer, What do you call it when one molecule of carbon asks out another
molecule of carbon?
Troyer: What?
Beefkon: Carbon dating! HAhahahahaha! Wasn't that funny?
Troyer: Yeah! {sarcastic laugh} Ha ha haha. {whispered} Might have been funny in
1937. Here, have some more Romulan ale.
Beefkon: What did you call this 44 oz. cup?
Troyer: The Wunder Cup.
Beefkon: So you humans are good for something after all! {Troyer fills cup to the brim}
Troyer: Chug it down Taco Boy. Plenty more where that came from.
Brinkman1: "Get yourself a Ga-zoom. You can go with a boom! Marvin, Marvin, Marvin,
Will you leave this room!"
General Taco: "I do not like green eggs and ham." Truer words have never been spoken.
Brinkman1: {shouting} Marvin K. Mooney! I don't care HOW. Marvin K. Mooney! Will
you please GO NOW! I said GO and GO I meant....
Beefkon: {roared} FINE! I KNOW WHEN WE"RE NOT WANTED!
Troyer: Here, give me your Wunder Cup. We'll give you a cup for the road.
Azetburrito: Fatherm you're very durnk.
Kamler: {whispered} He's drunk?
Beefkon: I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
In Transporter Room
Troyer: Don't forget to take Brinkman1 with you. He needs to have his honeymoon.
Azetburrito: I would never forget that hunk.
Beefkon: Are you sure you don't want to marry my cow?
General Taco: {elbows Beefkon}
Beefkon: Daughter. Excuse me, daughter. Ehf29 hg8947 gfduisf. GOOd Nifheos...{is
beamed away}
General Taco: "The time had come. SO...Marvin WENT. {is beamed away}
Azetburrito: {seductively} I'll be waiting. {beamed away}
Brinkman1: I hate youuuuuu...{beamed away}
Everyone: Sigh.
Troyer: Boy, I almost feel bad about sending Adam over there with her.
Kamler: How do you well...uh...um...you know...with a Taco?
Troyer: That's a very uncomfortable question. Didn't your parents explain the birds
and the bees to you?
Kamler: Yes. But they didn't explain birds and Tacos.
Troyer: It's like...maybe you should go to your room and ask the computer. That way
it's left to the reader's imagination.
On the Bridge
Valeris: So how was the party, gentlemen?
Brinkman2: Wonderful.
Kamler: Great.
Gama: Excellent.
Troyer: Sucked.
Valeris: Just think how many more of those we will have when we have complete peace
with the Tacos.
Kamler: {groans}
Valeris: I need to make a call, anyone mind?
Gama: Be my guest.
Valeris: Valeris to cloaked Taco Ship.
Taco 1: Taco ship here.
Valeris: Fire on Beefkon's ship.
Taco 2: Aye.
Bridges: Commander, we have fired on Beefkon's ship.
Troyer: What! Now what did we do that for?
Gama: Gama to engineering. Did we fire a torpedo?
Engineering: Negative. We fired three torpedoes. Wait a second, that's someone else's line.
We did not fire those torpedoes!
Troyer: There should have been a neutrino surge before we fired.
Engineering: We did not fire!
Valeris: There was a neutrino surge.
Kamler: Well then why didn't you say so?
Valeris: Because you would have discovered where the missiles really came from.
Gama: The logic is impeccable.
General Taco: Have you no decency Captain Brinkman?
Troyer: He's on your ship.
General Taco: Who's in charge?
Troyer: I am...but you can't talk to me. Talk to the Vulcan.
General Taco: Have you no decency Vulcan? We come under a white flag, and you rudely...
thats not right, someone help me.
Someone: Cruely!
Someone else: Violently destroy!
Someone new: Flagrantly disregard!
General Taco: That's it, you flagrantly disregard our offers of peace!
Gama: There is no such thing as peace. There is only lull between wars.
General Taco: AND YOU SEND human crewmen to brutally murder our Chancellor!
Gama: If you wouldn't have named him such a large word, perhaps he would survive in
the time saved by not having to say Chancellor. {sorry if you don't understand
that joke, I couldn't think of a better way to word it}
General Taco: That was a very poorly thought out sentence. Anyway, WE WILL COME
AND KILL YOU!
Valeris: They are coming about.
Gama: Activate self destruct sequence.
Kamler: Shields, Vulcan?
Valeris: They are charging weapons.
Gama: Set timer for thirty seconds.
Kamler: Raise the shields, Vulcan?
Gama: Tell them we surrender.
Valeris: WHAT! How can I start an intergalactic war if you won't fight?
Kamler: SHIELDS!
Gama: Tell them we surrender.
Brinkman2: Aye sir. Klingon ship--er--Taco ship, we surrender, I repeat, surrender!
Valeris: They have lowered shields and powered down weapons. They are ready to
board.
Gama: Now fire and destroy their ship.
Valeris: Seriously? Ship destroyed.
Gama: Now turn 180 degrees and beam Troyer and Brinkman2 over and tell the Tacos
they are there to help.
Kamler: Everything is done.
Gama: You see, this first ship that we destroyed was a decoy.
General Taco: Why have you beamed these two over to my ship?
Gama: I have sent them as a peace offering. Do not let Troyer escape. If he
finds out I did this, I'm dead meat.
General Taco: Isn't Troyer the one who runs your ship?
Gama: Yes.
General Taco: And you beamed him over without his permission?
Gama: Yes.
General Taco: Once he escapes, you're kind of screwed.
On Taco Ship
Troyer: You know, I don't think we're on the Continental anymore. It almost looks like a
Taco ship.
General Taco: Guess what, you two are my first victims in my plot to return the Tacos to glory.
You're coming back to the Taco homeworld with me where you'll be tried and
convicted and sent to Rura Pente.
Troyer: Oh...oh, yeah?
General Taco: Yeah!
Troyer: Oh yeah?
General Taco: Yeah!
Troyer: Oh yeah?
General Taco: Yeah!
Brinkman2: I'm gonna tell my mommy on you!
Troyer: Shut up.
On Earth in the Oval Office {or whatever}
President: So what are we going to do about the three crewmen trapped and on trial in
Taco territory?
Guy 1: Nothing.
President: WHAT! What kind of plan is that?
Guy 2 : A very good one. Just think about it. Without Troyer in the Federation, we can
retake control and turn it Communist and start the Imperial Empire.
Cartwright: And you can can be Emperor Palpatine, and I'll be Darth Vader, and these other
two can be Imperial stooges, able to be killed on a whim.
Guy 1 & 2: Yeah!
President: So what your saying is that we leave the only obstacle to Communism trapped
and soon to be dead in Taco territory?
Cartwright: And the best part is, we can go attack and kill all the Tacos after the trial.
On the Continental
Kamler: How are we going to get Troyer and the two Brinkmans back?
Gama: I believe we want their whole bodies, not just their backs, correct?
Kamler: What?!?
Valeris: Silence children. Unneccesary talk like has made this story ten pages already
Let's think of the trees as we type.
Amano: Eat a beaver. Save a tree.
Kamler: Who gave you lines? You haven't had lines in the three adventures. Who said
you could talk now?
Amano : I thought I had something humorous to say.
Kamler: It wasn't. Don't ever try to be funny again.
Valeris: {clears throat loudly and interrupts the quarrel} Excuse me, the trial is starting.
On the Taco Homeworld
Taco Judge: Guilty!
Troyer: What ! We haven't received a trial yet! You could at least humor us and think
we have a chance at freedom.
Taco Judge: Sigh. Very well. The defense attorney will be General Taco and your
prosecutor will be his mother.
Troyer: What! If he's going to be my attorney, I would like to be tried seperatley as the
two Brinkmans.
Brinkman1: What?
Taco Judge: Hmmm. Let me think about it. Uh.....NO!
Troyer: Please can I have a seperate trial?
Taco Judge: I would rather die!
Troyer: Are you sure I can't?
Taco Judge: Alright. You can have your own trial. {thank you Austin Powers for that little
tidbit} Take Commander Troyer away and give him our best suites, food and
women. Captain Brinkman, since you are married to the new chancellor
Azetburrito, you may go finish your honeymoon and are cleared of all charges.
Brinkman1: NOOOOOO! Don't make me go to her! {is drug off}
Taco Judge: Ungrateful slob. Andrew Brinkman, you are formally charged for the murder of
Chancellor Beefkon and many other lackies. You are also charged with
conspiracy, racketeering, money laundering, jaywalking and anything else that
will fit on your jail resume.
Brinkman2: You're kidding, right?
Generals Mom: Please listen to this little log entry you made. I'm sure you will enjoy it.
"Captain Brinkman's Personal log, stardate 402 627 4715. I just heard a great
joke today from the real captain of this ship, Commander Troyer. How many
Tacos does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. One to hold the lightbulb and four
to turn the house! HAHAHAHAHAHA! You know, I do have a doorbell."
General Taco: I object! That tape was obviously gotten illegaly. There should be no way that
a Taco would be able to get a personal log.
Generals Mom: Son, do you want a whippin'?
General Taco: no, mother.
Generals Mom: Then I don't want you saying another word, you hear me?
General Taco: Yes, mother.
Brinkman2: That wasn't even me. That was my brother, the Captain! I'm so low ranked I
don't even get a personal log! How can I be tried for my brother's crimes?
Taco Judge: SILENCE! YOU WERE NOT GRANTED PERMISSION TO TALK! For that,
I sentence you too death! {the crowd roars, an unnamed Taco whispers to him}
I mean, you're sentenced to life at Rura Pente! {crowd boos} Hey it's pretty
much the same thing, okay? {crowd nods and silences} As for your brother and
Troyer, they will be treated with utmost respect and given the fruits and spoils
of Taco land.
On the Continental
Gama: Oh no, Troyer is going to be freed! What am I going to do! He'll want revenge!
Kamler: GAMA! You're Vulcan, get your emotions under control.
Gama: Very well. Mr Kamler, you have the bridge. I am going to write my last will
and testament. {gama leaves}
Valeris: Starfleet wants to know why we have not returned to Starbase.
Kamler: Because if we did, we wouldn't be able to rescue Troyer and the two
Brinkmans.
Valeris: Very well.
Kamler: Wait, don't tell them that!
Valeris: Too late.
Kamler: Arrrrrrrrrrgh! You weren't supposed to tell them that! See, I was telling you that
confidentially. Now Starfleet knows and they'll come and find us and then we
can't save Troyer and those other two.
Valeris: Precisely.
Kamler: Are you plotting against us or something?
Valeris: Yes.
Kamler: Good i'm glad you're not. Did we ever find our what shot the Taco Ship?
Valeris: It was us, isr.
Kamler: That's sir, to you LieutenantValeris.
Valeris: We did find out who shot the Taco ship.
Kamler: Who?
Valiers: We did.
Kamler: Impossible!
Valeris: No, it is not.
Kamler: But I inspected each torpedo manually. They're all accounted for. How did
we fire on them?
Valeris: Magic.
In Taco Land
Troyer: You know, I almost feel sorry for your brother, being sent to Rura Pente without
us.
Brinkman1: Don't worry about it. No one likes him anyway.
Troyer: No one likes you either.
Brinkman1: Yes they do!
Troyer: Name one.
Brinkman1: Uh.........................my mom.
Troyer: She doesn't count. She has to like you.
Brinkman1: Uh........{the door rings} Phew, saved by the bell.
Troyer: That show sucks.
Brinkman1: What?
Troyer: Nevermind. Answer the door. {in walks Azetburrito and General Taco}
Masterful job defending Lieutenant Brinkman yesterday.
General Taco: Shut up! It was my mother, I can't argue with her. She's a vicious woman. I
used to have 5 siblings. Now I'm an only child.
Azetburrito: Enough gentlemen/Tacos. I've come to ask your advice. Troyer, I've heard
you are a genius, and Adam, well, your my husband, so I need your opinion.
Even after the Federation brutally killed my father, I need you guys to save my
head before the entire Empire rebels against me. They have offered another
peace conference on Earth but I was a stubborn, paranoid *censored* and
refused to go to one on Earth. Do you think I should declare war on the
Federation as General Taco thinks, or should I go to the peace conference?
Troyer: Peace Conference.
Brinkman1: Definitely.
General Taco: Of course they'll say that. They're humans and don't want you to declare war
on them.
Troyer: Actually I do want you to declare war on us, but we'd kick your butt.
Azetburrito: I told you they're trustworthy.
General Taco: Sigh. You'll just regret it. I guess I'll have to assasinate you and the Federation
President, too. {all stare at him} Ooops. He he he. Did I say that outloud? {all
nod} It was just a stray thought. Really. I wouldn't plot against you.
Azetburrito: Alright. I believe you. But you're going to be watched 8/5.
Brinkman1: Don't you mean 24/7?
Azetburrito: Nope. With our Hugh military, he only works eight hour shifts, 5 days a week.
Troyer: Doesn't seem very efficient.
Azetburrito: It's not. But it saves the taxpayers money. We usually let vigilantes enforce
law.
Troyer: You care if I write this all down and give it to Starfleet Intelligence?
Azetburrito: Only if you come over to my house tonight, if you know what I mean.
Troyer: Um...you're married...and I already have 13 wives...so...uh...I better not.
Brinkman1: I can't believe you just hit on my best friend in front of me.
Troyer: What can I say. I'm just to sexy..
On Rura Pente
{Brinkman2 is getting pounded by the Wookie like creture}
Brinkman2: I didn't mean it! It was just a joke! Your mother does not look like Roseanne!
I don't even know what your mother looks like! If she looks anything like you,
she must be hot!
Wookie: Grrrrrrrrrr!
Brinkman2: Oh *censored* {wookie rips his arm off} Hey, give me that back! {he grabs
arm back and stuffs it in socket} There good, as new.
Martia: TIM! Stop that! {he's chewing on Brinkman2's head} Spit him out NOW! {spits
him out and wanders away}
Brinkman2: Thanks for saving my life.
Martia: No problem. Are you the human I'm supposed to pretend to fall in love with?
Brinkman2: Probably. Women are always using me.
Martia: Well, since we both know it couldn't happen, lets just drop the facade and go
and try to escape.
Brinkman2: I have a ship if you can get me out of here.
On the Continental
Kamler: Is it really necessary to save Brinkman2?
Valeris: Yes. He will probably hinder your mission more than help it, so he is imperitive
to my mission.
Kamler: If youre standing here talking to me, who's driving us?
Valeris: No one. {both make a mad dash towards helm, Valeris gets there first}
Kamler: Crap....I mean....Shoot! There goes the G rating.
Valeris: No, I think we can fit in four more f words and several more sex scenes with full nudity.
Kamler: The worst part is, you're probably right.
Valeris: Someone's coming in off the right on-ramp and are not going to yield, and the
left lane is blocked! Wait I'm a Vulcan, i can't use exclamtion marks.
Kamler: I suppose we're being tailgated too.
Valeris: Yes.
Kamler: Are these your Starfleet friends?
Valeris: Commander, I have no Starfleet friends. I am a rebel with a cause. Oh,
Communications are down.
Kamler: Flash our lights at the car coming in off the on-ramp, and flash brake lights see
if we can get that tailgater off our butts. If we're still going to crash, flip em off
or bite your thumb at 'em or something. You know, I don't think Gama put a
tracer patch on Brinkman2. How are we going to find him?
Valeris: Hey, moron, they said it on the trial, remember? Does Rura Pente ring a bell?
Kamler: Of course! Let's go get him!
Valeris: But what about our four starship pile up thats going to happen in seven seconds
and kill us all?
Kamler: Computer, end program.
Valeris: Hey, how'd you know that, come back here, how'd you know it was a
holodeck? Please tell me....
On Rura Pente
Martia: We're about out of the shield. Then it'll be up to your starship.
Brinkman2: So who invented the Internet on your planet?
Martia: []=+\/|||.
Brinkman2: []::<>||?
Martia: No, []=+\/|||.
Brinkman2: Oh, []=+\/|||.
Martia: How about your planet?
Brinkman2: Al Gore.
Martia: We're out of the shield now. {fires a flare gun} I've got a secret to tell you. The
reason they let you escape was so they could kill you without the scent of set
up. I get my full freedom for helping them.
Brinkman2: You know what? I have a secret too. I don't have a starship! So we're both
trapped out here and we're going to freeze to death!
Martia: Have you not been paying attention? I don't need a starship, and you're going
to be dead. {turns into Brinkman2} Now lets have some fun.
Brinkman2: Wow a mirror!
Martia: No, moron, it's me Martia, and I shapeshifted into your shape. {the Tacos come}
Taco 1: Good job, Martia, but, NO WITNESSES! {fires phaser}
Brinkman2: AAAAAAAAAAAH! {is vaporized}
Martia: Way to go moron, you killed the real Brinkman2.
Taco 1: You're a fraud!
Martia: Since when is being a fraud illegal?
Taco 2: Maybe you should let me control the phaser.
On the Continental
Bridges: I have locked onto Brinkman2. He is surrounded by several Tacos and Nachos.
Kamler: Quick, beam him up! {beams Martia up who still looks like Brinkman2}
Martia: Now you have to let me go. Wait a second, a starship, I'm saved {morphs back
into Martia}
Kamler: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT WAS BRINKMAN2!!!
Martia: He's dead.
Waltner: Oh my gob, they killed Andrew!
Kamler: Beam this shapeshifting trash back down to the planet!
Martia: I'm a Founder! You'll regret...{is beamed to planet}
Troyer: Well, you probably started a war with the Dominion. Way to go.
Brinkman1: You know, we should probably go find the conference and save the universe
or something.
Troyer: Alright, Valeris, where's the conference?
Valeris: Who, me?
Troyer: No, the other Valeris in here. YES YOU MORON! Where's the conference?
Valeris: I don't know.
Troyer: Then whats the plot we're trying to stop?
Valeris: The co conspirators and I are trying to start and intergalctic war between the
Tacos and the Federation so the Tacos can rebuild self esteem and the
President and Cartwright can turn this into a giant experimentation into
something called communism. And they are going to call each other Emperor
Palpatine and Darth Vader.
Brinkman1: Good gosh, they're going to start the Imperial Empire!
Kamler: So how much were you paid to betray the Federation with?
Valeris: Take your salary.
Kamler: Ok.
Valeris: Double it.
Kamler: Ok.
Valeris: Multiply it by ten.
Kamler: Ok.
Valeris: Square that.
Kamler: Ok.
Valeris: Add a million.
Kamler: Judah! Thats a lot of money!
Brinkman1: {whispered to Troyer} So what are we going to do if we fail?
Troyer: I don't know, I figured we'd join a ska band or something.
4 Hours Later
Kamler: So oh great master, how are we going to find where the conferece is?
Troyer: I don't know, I figured we'd stop at each PLANET AND SCAN THEM
MORON! Why do I feel like Moses? You never will listen and believe, always
more questions. AND HIS ORDERS CAME STRAIGHT FROM GOD!
Brinkman1: Maybe we could contact the Enterprise.
Troyer: Maybe we could contact the Enterprise! Me and Commisioner Schlegel go
way back. Valeris, contact the Enterprise..
Valeris: Ready.
Troyer: Onscreen. {Admiral Cartwright appears}
Cartwright: Troyer! How'd you escape? Why haven't you brought the ship in yet?
YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN MY PLANS! Bring the ship in NOW!.
Troyer: Hmmmm....haven't we already proven that Valeris is a traitor?
Brinkman1: Yeah.
Troyer: {angrily} THEN WHY IS SHE STILL ON THE BRIDGE SABOTAGING
STUFF? Cut the connection.
Kamler: There's a rest station up ahead. Maybe we should stop and use the restroom?
Wink wink.
Troyer: Oh, I see. Wink Wink. {they stop and as Valeris is still in the bathroom they
leave her there}
Brinkman1: Oh, no, it appears we left our helmsmen at the bathroom.
Bridges: Who'd we leave at the bathroom?
Troyer: Your mom.
Kamler: I wonder how that happened.
Gama: I have the real Enterprise on the line, sir. {they appear on screen}
Troyer: Good afternoon Ben.
Schlegel: Good afternoon. You realize that the entire fleet is looking for you? I could turn
you in and get promotions and money galore.
Troyer: We need to know where the conference is. We have to stop the Tacos and
Starfleeters from killing the President.
Schlegel: Uh...you mean the Premier?
Troyer: Premier?
Schlegel: Didn't you hear? We're a Communist nation now. As soon as you left the
Premier and Cartwright retook control and formed the Imperial Empire.
All the major heads of the species are there and Premier Palpatine and Darth
Vader, Cartwright, are going to kill each and everyone of them. General Taco
is patrolling the planet.
Troyer: Oh. Thats alot different than what I thought it would be. You want to save the
universe or something with us?
Schlegel: Let me ask. Worf, you want to kill some people?
Worf: YES!
Schlegel: Sure we'll join. Its at a planet called & . We'll be about five minutes behind
you and watch your back. Commisioner Schlegel out.
Brinkman1: Mr Kamler, set a course for &.
Several Hours Later
General Taco: Hello Continental, I can see you, Can you see me?
Gama: Sorry, our viewscreen's malfunctioning.
General Taco: Oh. Are you scared of me?
Gama: It is not logical to be scared of what you can't see.
General Taco: Well, since your obviously not scared, I'm going to fire some torpedoes.
Troyer: Shields up! {torpedoes rip up ship pretty bad}. Someone explain to me how our
hull was just penetrated when we had our shields up.
General Taco: Your superior intelligence is no match for our puny weapons! {in comes the
Enterprise} Ahh, the games a foot.
Brinkman1: No, a war.
Troyer: What?
Brinkman1: Sorry, the joke sounded good in my head but when I actually used it, it kind of bombed.
Ever had that happen before?
Troyer: No. Never.
Kamler: Why is Eddie Vedder marching around our fight with signs that say "Down with
Ticketmaster?" {if you catch that joke, I pat you on the back} {enter Enterprise,
both being pummeled by General Taco}
Schlegel: This is Commisioner Ben Schlegel of the U.S.S. Enterprise E. I demand that you stand
down.
General Taco: After I'm done with you, you'll be Ben Nothing!
Troyer: General Taco.
General Taco: Yes.
Troyer: That wasn't even clever. You should have said something about sitting/standing down.
That would have been much funnier.
General Taco: Yeah...you're probably right.
Troyer: But...we also have a secret weapon.
General Taco: What?
Troyer: Sensors! Tactical, lock on and fire! {Enterprise follows suit}
General Taco: THE ONE CONTINGENCY I DIDN"T PLAN FOR! {is blown up}
Brinkman1: Full warp to &! {they fly to &}
Troyer: Beam up all the good guys and universe leaders and stuff. Now get me
Palpatine.
Palpatine: Ahhh, I see you caught on to our plan. So what wisdom do you have for us
before you quell our rebellion?
Troyer: 2 men walked into a bar.
Vader: And?
Troyer: The third one ducked.
Palpitine: Fascinating.
Kamler: Two atoms were awalking down the street. One said, "I think I lost an
electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" The first one said "I'm positive."
Troyer: Goodbye. {Enterprise and Continental vaporize planet, Azetburrito walks onto
the bridge}
Azetburrito: You have restored my fathers faith.
Troyer: I'll refer the response of that statement to Brinkman1.
Brinkman1: Um....give me a hug.
Azetburrito: Not during business hours.
Brinkman1: {dejectedly} Oh. {Spock walks in}
Spock: Very well done Commander Troyer. You uncovered the conspiracy, delt with all loose
ends in one grand explosion. One question: Why did you leave Valeris in the bathroom?
Would it have not been wiser to arrest her?
Troyer: No.
Spock: Do you care to elaborate?
Troyer: No.
Spock: Very well.
Azetburrito: You know, Ambassador Spock, now that my Empire and your Federation have been
collectively shaken to the core, I believe closer ties are in order?
Spock: I concur.
Azetburrito: All your leaders have been killed, and my military has been completely destroyed.
Kamler: Hugh was killed?
Azetburrito: He died in a car crash. It was quite the spectacle seeing your military destroyed right
before your eyes.
Kamler: I would think.
Spock: Anyway, back to the point. Commander Troyer, due to your success on this mission, I
nominate you as the Starfleet Ambassador to the Tacos.
Troyer: Whatever. As long as my official title is Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell. Otherwise this
entire story wouldn't mean thing.
Brinkman1: What about me? Don't I get some sort of promotion?
Kamler: You're married to the leader of the second most powerful Empire in this quadrant.
Troyer: What more can you ask for?
At the Party Celebrating the Successes
{the two ships crews are together}
Troyer: Attention, everyone. I want you to make our guest here tonight comfortable. Some of
you may have heard of him, his name is Spartacus, and he asked for asylum after his
rebellion against the Roman Empire failed.
Kamler: So, Worf, what's it like wanting to kill everything in sight?
Worf: Why are you asking me?
Kamler: Ummmm...because you want to kill everything in sight?
Worf: I will break your neck for saying that! {chases Kamler out of the room}
Data: Fascinating. You're telling me you were the inventor of the internet?
Al Gore: Yep. It's a known scientific fact.
Data: And to think I was under the impression that you were an extremely boring politician.
Gore: You know what else I invented?
Data: What?
Gore: You. I'm your father, Data. Give me a hug!
Crusher: Troi, you're drooling. Stop staring at Matt Troyer.
Troi: I can't help it. He's so hot.
Gama: Who spilled their punch on the floor?
Schlegel: Your mom.
Gama: My mother?
Schlegel: I saw her. It was horrible. She checked to see if anyone was looking, and when satisfied
no one was, she tipped her glass upside down and it gushed out..
Gama: I was not aware my mother was onboard.
Schlegel: She wanted it to be a surprise.
Gama: Perhaps I should go look for her. If she dumped her punch on the floor maybe she has ]
Bendii Syndrome.
Schlegel: Oh no, that would be terrible. {Gama leaves} Gullible, gullible, gullible.
At Air Lock
Brinkman1: I'm going to miss you.
Azetburrito: I'll miss you too.
Brinkman1: I've grown strangely attracted to you since our marriage.
Azetburrito: Are you sure you wont come back with me to the Taco Homeworld?
Brinkman1: I've got to stay here with my ship. They need their Captain.
Azetburrito: But you're not even in charge, they can't need you as much as I do.
Brinkman1: I plan on rebelling and regaining control of the ship. I've got some friends that will help
me in my quest.
Azetburrito: Just don't get yourself hurt. We don't want it to affect our, well, you know.
Brinkman1: Oh, I know, I'll make sure 'that' isn't affected.
Azetburrito: I have to go. {they have passionate kiss goodbye}
Credits
Writer: Matt Troyer
Director: Matt Troyer
Casting: Matt Troyer
Lighting: Matt Troyer
Cameras: Matt Troyer
Make up: Matt Troyer
Hairdresser: Matt Troyer
Editor: Matt Troyer
Censor: Matt Troyer
Security: Matt Troyer
Wardrobe: Matt Troyer
Idea of Cont.: Matt Troyer & Adam Brinkman
Web Support: Andrew Brinkman [andrew.brinkman.net]
Let me give a brief report of what goes on here and maybe explain some of the inside jokes. I am a
multitalented writer. This story has humor, drama and romance. Amazing. Yeah, whatever.
The reason the two Brinkmans are constantly being put down is because of their real life reactions. The real me
is not the womens man that I portray him to be. I like to pretend and it helps my ego. The two Brinkmans {esp
Adam} are the real ladies men. You should see them in action. The best brother combo dating wise ever. I
usually just get the rejects. Not that I'm complaining.
I let Adam {brinkman1} name our ship and be the Captain, but I told him he would be Captain only on paper.
Poor fool thought I was joking.
Andrew {Brinkman2} was brought on after Adam made a bet with him about joining our crew, and lost. I was
kind of ticked at first, but Andrew was a good addition.
Drew Kamler is one of our friends who we let join just for the heck of it.
Ben Schlegel joined too late to be part of the Continental crew, so I devised plan that put him in charge of
the most famous starship in Star Trek. This is the same Ben who so generously lent me his character
Raeshaun, who did not make an appearance in this one. Ben actually hates Star Trek, and his
disillusionment is starting to rub off onto me.
Elizabeth Waltner, was based after a girl I used to have a crush on, but now dislike. That's why she gets
some lines, but not too many.
Carrie Brooks, I wish was based on a real girl, but shes a supermodel who basically strokes my ego. Gardner,
Amano, Bridges, and Gama are there just as fillers because somebody needed to fill their
positions.
Here are some of the jokes that did not get worked into the story, sorry I'll just give you the punch lines and one
liners.
Will you be my special friend?
Sharks with fricking laser beams. {stolen from Austin Powers, yes, I know, but he stole my chess idea in the
second movie, read my first parody and then compare it to the chess scene in Powers 2}
Nuts and Bolts, Nuts and Bolts, We are getting screwed.
Go Big Ten! Go Big Ten!
Known throughout the Galaxy as...Rura Pente.
Maybe you'll see some of them in future parodies.
Here are the different music groups I listened to as I typed: Blindside, Payable on Death, Living Sacrifice, Six
Feet Deep, Five Iron Frenzy, Bush, Weezer, Mxpx, Massivivid, Collective Soul, Grammatrain, Bleach, Blur,
Insyderz, Cake, Steve Miller Band, Silage, dc talk. {I hate to admit it} I recommend the first four as excellent
hard core music. {I use the term loosely} Mxpx is a good alternative for Green Day.
Most importantly I would like to thank my Saviour Jesus Christ who WILL NOT BE SHUT OUT BY THE
LIES TOLD TO YOU BY FREAKING EVOLUTIONISTS!!!!