If anyone who reads this knows what Areba la rasa means, please email me at
mysteriojr7@excite.com.
This is the series of unknown proportion by Matt Troyer and about Star Trek: Continental.
This is the historic meeting that the Continental crew had when they met the original series.
All the Star Trek characters are property of Paramount except the Continental crew. I don't want to get
sued, so there is no infringement intended on this or my previous stories. Anything that has to with
Taco Bell is probably the property of Taco Bell. I like and support Taco Bell every chance I get, which
is why I have created the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell.
S: Stupidity.
N: Unnecessary reading.
A: Adolescent stupidity.
V: Unrealistic portrayal of women {and men}
L: Language barriers.
T: Time travel.
P: Explicit use of pies. {not very common}
Y: Explicit use of yams. {more common than you would think}
G: Stupid guest stars.
This parady contains: {S,N,A,V,T}
Captain: Adam Brinkman, Brinkman1, captain on paper only, was demoted to Apple Peeler,
Second Class
First Officer: Gama, Vulcan
Head Engineer: Matt Troyer, power behind the throne, everyone likes him better than Brinkman1
Ops: Joseph Amano
Security: Ario Bridges, Heran, genetically engineered humans from some book I read
Doctor: Lauren Gardner
Just is there: Drew Kamler
Security guard: Carrie Brooks, a supermodel
Helm: Elizabeth Waltner/Andrew Brinkman{Brinkman2} switch on an off because one is always in
trouble, Waltner used to be a janitor
Raeshaun: 117 1/5 year old man with a passion for sleeping, was abandoned by a man who delcared
war on Klingon Empire
Dustin Cullen: in story went insane and melted and crawled in ship's vent and is now an icecube
floating in space
Gunther: popular chipmunk pet of Cullen, also ran in vent
On the Continental
Gama: Once again we have used another whole sheet of paper for irrelevent introductions.
We must find a way to prevent that.
Kamler: If people would read them in order and memorize what each character does the
great author wouldn't need to write all that.
Brinkman2: Remeber one of the rules of public speaking. Always imagine your audience in their
underwear.
Troyer: What?
Brinkman2: Sorry, wrong rule. You have to assume your audience is stupid and you have to
explain everything more than once.
Brinkman1: Way to go moron, now our great author might as well stop writing because no one
is going to read beyond this anyway. Once you have insulted the audience, you
may as well give up.
Brooks: SHUT UP you IDIOTS! {all listen to her} You male pigs! Except Troyer of course.
Any people who have made it this far are probably already dedicated and obsessed
so let's make it worth their time.
Cement: That's right. I'm the Captain, I order you to do something interesting.
Troyer: Whoa there hombre. Just cause you're Captain doesn't mean you can go around
ordering people to do stuff. Remember, I'm in charge.
Cement: Sorry.
Troyer: Good. Now everyone do something interesting. And somebody tell the guests to
make their entrance.
Amano: A temporal anomaly is in front of us, sir.
Cement: Oh, that's original. You'd think Kirk could come up with something better than that.
Amano: He only has one warp nacelle.
Cement: That's better.
Amano: They appear to be dragging the planet Pluto behind them.
Cement: Did they ever decide if Pluto was a planet or did they make it a trans-Neptunian
object?
Gama: It was made a planet permantly in 1999, sir.
Cement: Oh.
Amano: Excuse me, they do not have a saucer section.
Cement: If they are missing a saucer section and a warp nacelle, how are they pulling Pluto?
Troyer: {from engineering} If anyone can do it, it would be Scotty.
Amano: We are being hailed.
Cement: Onscreen.
Kirk: Rats. Don't tell me we time traveled again.
Cement: You did.
Kirk: I told you not to tell me. What century are we in now?
Cement: 25th.
Kirk: I kind of expected Picard to be here. Him and that stupid Nexus of his. I
somehow always run into him in these episodal excursions.
Spock: Captain, episodal is not a word.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, if a tree fell in the forest, does anyone care?
Spock: I will find out, Captain. {Spock leaves}
Kirk: That my friend, is how you deal with a Vulcan. Now why did you drag us out
of retirement?
Cement: Why don't you just come over to our ship and have some dinner.
Kirk: Yeah right. I've been to the future so many times I know how expensive things
are. Why, I practically live there with you guys.
Cement: It'll be on our bill.
Kirk: Good. I don't have anyone named Bill on my ship, so we'll have to
use yours.
Cement: We don't have anyone named Bill either.
Kirk: Hmm. I have someone named Will. How bout we put it on our Will?
Cement: Sure, why not? {whispered} Whats he talking about?
Kirk: I'll bet you a bottle of Romulan ale Scotty comes over drunk.
Cement: You're on.
Kirk: On what? A milk carton? Have we really been gone that long?
Cement: Sorry, I forgot how old you are. The bet is on.
Kirk: What bet?
Cement: The bet we just made.
Kirk: Was it that I would bed all of your women on your ship before the night was
over?
Cement: No, it was that Scotty would come drunk.
Kirk: Oh, yeah. I've never lost either one of those bets.
Cement: Good. What time do you want to come?
Kirk: What are you rattling on about?
Cement: Uh, dinner?
Kirk: Speaking of dinner, you want to come to my ship?
Cement: You were coming to my ship.
Kirk: That's what I said. I'm not old. You don't need to repeat everything twice.
Uhura, mark in my appointment book I have dinner at 0100 hours.
Cement: 0100? What are you smoking?
Kirk: When you get to my age you smoke anything you can get.
Cement: Come at 1900 hours.
Kirk: In 1900 hours? Why, thats next month!
Cement: Not in 1900. At 1900 hours.
Kirk: Will you provide me women, or should I bring my own?
Cement: Maybe you should bring your own.
Kirk: Kirk out. {he doesn't leave}
Cement: I thought you said you were leaving.
Kirk: I would, but this stupid thing would't flip off.
Sulu: Captain, you IDIOT! You just ejected Pluto into the sun! {they exit the screen}
Cement: I never did ask how he lost the saucer section and a warp nacelle.
Raeshaun: Maybe we could loan him ours.
Everyone: Shut up.
Rashaun: How come nobody ever laughs at my jokes?
Kamler: Because they're not funny.
Cement: {exhausted} If I ever see Kirk again, it'll be too soon
Several Hours Later
Brinkman1: Kirk and his boarding party are ready to be beamed over, sir.
Cement: Very good, Mr Apple Peeler. We are on our way now. Well Gama, are you ready
for some fun?
Gama: Fun is irrelevent.
Cement: Of course it is. {they are in transporter room now} Beam him over, sub-Ensign.
Brinkman1: {growls} Aye sir. {Kirk, Chekov, Scotty, McCoy and Uhura appear}
McCoy: Now where'd that Vulcan go!
Scotty: Och, he's probably dead again. Who has his katra now?
Kirk: {yells} Scotty! That's not very nice!
Chekov: But eet vas very funny! {everyone laughs}
Kirk: Sorry, inside joke.
Troyer: And I'm laughing on the inside.
Kirk: Well all you kids. I'm in a very generous mood, so I will allow you to give me a
round of applause. {no one claps} Or not. Mouthy rebellious teenage trash.
Troyer: I believe that everyone has had an unprovoked attack of common sense.
McCoy: I'm the doctor, I'll diagnose the diseases. My God, we the Terellian flu!
Troyer: He's not just your God, he's everyone's God.
Kirk: Sarcasm has no place on my ship.
Cement: This isn't your ship.
Kirk: Good point. What am I doing here?
Cement: We're eating.
Kirk: Coulda fooled me. It looks like we're just stuck here in some sort of proverbial rut.
Actually, I just wanted an excuse to say proverbial.
Brinkman2: Who do you think you are, Dr. Seuss?
Troyer: WHAT?
Kirk: Who is this child? Remove him from my presence.
Cement: Let's go eat. {they go to a giant table}
Kirk: Who's that pretty security guard? Too bad she'll die.
Kamler: Unlike your primitive episodes, our security guards don't die every parody. Except
Brinkman2. He always dies.
Scotty: Show me the money, er, food. {all the food comes out}
McCoy: Romulan ale. The only good thing the Romulans have provided to the universe.
Troyer: Actually, they have provided some pretty good plotlines.
Chekov: Speaking of plotlines, has anybody noticed how the vasteline of Scotty has
expanded about 14 sizes?
Scotty: Och, now you're dead laddy. {chokes Chekov}
Kirk: Scotty, let go! I believe you owe me a bottle of women, Captain.
Cement: I think you mean a bottle of Romulan Ale. I didn't bet you women.
Kirk: Rats.
Uhura: Eeeeeeek! Where?
Brinkman2: Good gosh, it's an alligator! Or maybe it's a crocodile. Does anyone know how to
tell those things apart? Aaaaaaaaaah! It's eating me! Help! {is eaten by alligators}
McCoy: Hold on a second. What just happened to that geek who was sitting beside me?
He just screamed and then diapered. I mean disappeared. Speaking of diapers, I
need mine changed.
Troyer: That is what is known as ignoring common sense. He had to much ale and he saw
an imaginary alligator, and it ate him.
Brinkman1: Let me call my dog. You'll like him. Here Rover! Here ROVER! Here boy!
Troyer: Adam, you don't have a dog.
Brinkman1: Oh. Are you sure?
Troyer: I would stake my steak on it. Hey KIRK! Get away from my girlfriend!
Brooks: Yeah you creep! {slaps him}
Kirk: Ow!
Troyer: Oh, you haven't felt pain yet.
Gama: This should be rather interesting. A symbol of heroism in his heyday, Captain Kirk
must come to face his womanizing as he meets the modern day version of him. It
is the oldest story in the book. Except Cain and Abel. {anybody understand that
joke?} The leader of the pack is overthrown by a youth with the same qualities but
much more talented. {Troyer does several wrestling moves, including, but not
limited too, Chartbuster, Scorpion Death Frankensteiner}
Scotty: Och, who's going to smoke the peace pipe with me now?
Kamler: Would anyone care to explain what happened to Pluto?
Kirk: {gets up slowly and painfully} We were trying to act cool by cruising the solar
system, when Sulu fell asleep at the helm and we veered off into Pluto. Sulu woke
up, but alas, in his panic, he turned the ship the wrong way. Just as our saucer
section was crushed and we lost a warp nacelle, Scotty, who was to drunk to know
what was happening...
Scotty: Och, I was not!
Kirk: Accidently sat on the warp core and it sent us into a time warp and we ended up
here, with Pluto stuck where are sacuer section should be.
Chekov: It vas very exciting.
Raeshaun: Heh heh heh, why that reminds me of the time when I was on Romulus...{falls
asleep}
Cement: That's the only good thing about him. Whenever he tries to talk, he falls asleep.
Brinkman1: What did you put in this peace pipe? It tastes terrible.
Scotty: Och! Terrible? There is nothing in the world like the tast of fresh antimatter!
McCoy: Well, I think we all have had enough to drink. Now that we have the Terellian flu, we
better get to sleep.
Troyer: We don't have the Terellion flu. We don't have AIDS, well, except maybe Kirk here,
we don't have tuberculosis, we don't have strep throat, and WE DON"T HAVE ANY
DISEASES!!!!
McCoy: How would you know. You're just an engineer.
Scotty: Och, Doctor, you're never JUST an engineer. We all could be dying from some
terrible disease, but without the engines providing power you will not have a bloomin'
chance at discovering a cure.
Troyer: That's the first time you've made sense all day.
Brooks: EGAD! It's a COMET! AND IT"S HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS US!!!!
Troyer: Engineering! Engage the phase matter cloaking device! {the comet flies through the
U.S.S. Raeshaun and destroys the Enterprise}
McCoy: YES! The Vulcan's dead!
Kamler: I forgot to try and kill you, Matt.
Troyer: That's alright. You attempt it twice next time.
Kirk: What a loss. She was great.
Chekov: The Enterprise, Kepten?
Kirk: No, Ensign Calahan. I think she was my favorite out of every girl I ever met.
McCoy: At least we're alive.
Uhura: Or are we? None of this parody has made any sense.
Scotty: Och, where's that laugh coming from? Are my ears ringing again?
Troyer: No, thats just the telephone. Is somebody going to get that Adam?
Kirk: I'll miss you my sweet.
Chekov: Ensign Calahan, Kepten?
Kirk: No, my scotch.
McCoy: Your crotch? {hmmm, was that appropriate?} What did Ensign Calahan take it?
Kirk: Bones, for once, please shut up.
McCoy: Well, what'd you say? Your watch?, your tape?, your conch, your....
Kirk: Bones, shut up.
THE END
You cannot find me, you cannot trace me,
Sincerely
Matt Troyer
Vulcan and Borg Ambassodor to Taco Bell
If your are hypnotized right now, go to andrew.brinkman.net and tell them you love my stories and I
should write more of them.
P.S. I will anyway. Maybe.