Continental 7 : Time Warped
If anyone who reads this knows what Areba la rasa means,
please email me at mysteriojr7@excite.com.
This is the seventh in series of unknown proportion by Matt
Troyer and the eighth book about Star Trek: Continental.
All the Star Trek characters are property of Paramount except
the Continental crew. I don't want to get sued, so there is no
infringement intended on this or my previous stories. Anything
that has to with Taco Bell is probably the property of Taco
Bell. I like and support Taco Bell every chance I get, which
is why I have created the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell.
S: Stupidity.
N: Unnecessary reading.
A: Adolescent stupidity.
V: Unrealistic portrayal of women {and men}
L: Language barriers.
T: Time travel.
P: Explicit use of pies. {not very common}
Y: Explicit use of yams. {more common than you would think}
G: Stupid guest stars.
This parady contains: {S,N,A,V,T}
Captain: Adam Brinkman, Brinkman1, captain on paper only, was
recently demoted to Apple Peeler, 2nd Class
First Officer: Gama, Vulcan
Head Engineer: Matt Troyer, power behind the throne, everyone
likes him better than Brinkman1
Ops: Joseph Amano
Security: Ario Bridges, Heran, genetically engineered humans
from some book I read
Doctor: Lauren Gardner
Just is there: Drew Kamler
Security guard: Carrie Brooks, a supermodel
Helm: Elizabeth Waltner/Andrew Brinkman{Brinkman2} switch on
an off because one is always in trouble, Waltner used to
be a janitor
Raeshaun: 117 1/5 year old man with a passion for sleeping,
was abandoned by a man who delcared war on Klingon Empire
{THIS CHARACTER WAS NOT CREATED BY ME, SO I CANNOT TAKE
CREDIT FOR HIM HE WAS CREATED BY BEN SCHLEGEL}
Dustin Cullen: in last story went insane and melted and
crawled in ship's vent, was turned into ice and ejected
into space
Gunther: popular chipmunk pet of Cullen, also ran in vent
This one is dedicated to Adam and my date to prom. Adam,
because we always make fun of him and my prom date because
she'll never read this. Plus, last parody I dedicated to her
turned out to be pretty good, I thought at least.
On the Continental
Cement: Good morning crew. I have several announcements to
make. First of all, we have received word that Earth has
been destroyed by anti taco activists. We are ordered to
go back in time and save Earth before it is destroyed, by
any means neccesary, even if we have to destroy Earth.
Actually, that doesn't make any sense so we'll go onto the
next item. For breakfast today we have a nice little
quaint breakfast, cooked up by my mother. We have eggs,
bacon, sausage, pancakes, french toast, omelettes, four
different kinds of toast your choice of several delicious
juice drinks. And that's just the cheap lunch ticket meal.
{ship shakes} Excuse me crew, we're being attacked by
crazed Klingons who want to stop us from going back in
time.
Amano: We are being hailed Captain.
Klingon: Bok tok shmok soc loc tok jok LIV MOOK!
Cement: Excuse me Mr Klingon. I think you forgot to turn on
your universal translator.
Klingon: {offscreen} Lik tok fobd james rat toor miswer. {to
Continental} Ah, much better. I didn't even know what I
was saying.
Cement: Rough night?
Klingon: Very. Stupid Klingons don't care that I am the
Captain, they still beat me in hearts. Even though I have
the power to have them executed, they won't let me win. I
stayed up until 0400 trying to win.
Cement: I know the feeling, except I can't order them
executed. Come to think of it, I can't order them to do
anything. That's Troyer's job.
Klingon: I'm not even going to ask.
Cement: Aren't you going to give me your name?
Klingon: No, you already have one. I'm not very important,
so it'll just take up valuble space in this page.
Cement: Alright then, why were you shooting at us?
Klingon: Good question. Let me ask no toe one. {everyone
bursts out laughing}
Director: Cut! Let's start from where the Klingon says, Nah,
I'm not very important. Good work so far, everyone.
Klingon: Nah, I'm not very important, so it'll just take up
valuble space in this page.
Cement: Alright then, why were you shooting at us?
Klingon: Good question. Let me ask someone. {whispers off
stage} Oh yeah, you will NEVER PREVENT EARTHS
DESTRUCTION!!!!! FIRE ALL WEAPONS!!!!
Cement: Oh. Cut the connection.
Gama: Make them cut it. It seems they have forgotten it
and now we can watch them and what they are planning to
do.
Klingon2: Go course mark 2 seven square par misto.
Klingon3: Course is happening.
Cement: Alter our course so they can't hit us. Let's set a
couple of photon torpedoes in their path. {Klingon ship
hits the torpedoes and explodes}
Amano: La lalalalalalalalalalalaLALALALALALALA!!!!
{Troyer walks onto the bridge}
Troyer: WHAT was that?
Amano: My victory song.
Troyer: I"LL SING YOU A SONG!!! {punches Amano}
Anyway, lets engage the time thrusters and go save earth.
Bridges: Can't.
Troyer: Why not?
Bridges: UNION BREAK!!! {everyone cheers and runs off the
stage}
Director: Sheesh. They form a union and then think they don't
have to work at all. {everyone shuffles back on to the
stage}
Kamler: Where were we?
Brinkman2: Somewhere in the Sahara Desert.
Kamler: Oh yeah. Cue the boulder! {boulder falls and
crushes Brinkman2}
Waltner: Oh my gob! They killed Andrew!
Cement: Captain to security. We have a death. See if you
can save him.
Gardner: Brinkman2?
Cement: How'd you know?
Gardner: He dies every parody.
Troyer: Gob.
Kamler: Gob gob.
Gama: Gob. Fascinating.
Bridges: Gob gob gob.
Brinkman1: Gob gob.
Everyone: Shut up!
Brinkman1: Sorry sirs.
Raeshaun: Who's wearing fur? I sure am cold.
Troyer: We're in the middle of the desert.
Raeshaun: Good point. {falls asleep}
Kamler: Anyone remember how we got into the desert?
Bridges: I believe we've skipped major parts of the script.
Gama: A very astute assumption.
Director: Just get done will you?
Brinkman1: {whispers} Pssst. Kamler, kill Troyer.
Kamler: I can't. I'm dead.
Brinkman1: Come on now. Don't start that now.
Kamler: Someones took a few too many grumpy pills this
morning. {pulls out rocket launcher and fires}
Troyer: Look, a quarter! {rocket fires over his head
and creates cave in the ground}
Kamler: {starts crying}
Amano: Hey look everyone! The rocket opened up a cave!
Brinkman1: Well, don't wait all day, lets go!
Cement: I'm the Captain. I'll say when we go. Lets go.
{they all run in the cave}
Kamler: It sure is dark in here.
Gama: Who had the foresight to bring a flashlight?
{silence} Very well, I believe we should contact the
Raeshaun to beam us lights.
Raeshaun: You don't need to contact me. I'm right here.
Troyer: No, our ship the Raeshaun. Not our passenger
Raeshaun.
Raeshaun: Oh.
Brooks: I think you've forgotten that we made a big
jump in the script and no one knows what happened to the
Raeshaun.
Raeshaun: I'm right here.
Brooks: The ship, not you.
Raeshaun: Oh. I'm getting confused.
Gama: That is irrelevent. You are not needed here
anyway. The good of the many outweigh the good of the
few. Logic dictates that you be terminated so the group
will survive. The young, which would be Brinkman2 who is
already dead, and the elderly, which is about to be you,
always go first. Survival of the fittest, if you will.
Troyer: {accusingly} I can't believe you just said that.
Gama: I can not either. I beg forgiveness from my earthly
master and lord.
Troyer: Very well. Since we seem to be stuck here and
this plotline is not going anywhere, why don't we take
matters into our own hands and make another jump in the
script? Everyone grab hands and click your shoes and say
"There's no place like home. There's no place like
home..."
Script Jump In a Rollercoaster
Kamler: AHHHHHHH, WHERE ARE WE?
Gama: There is no need to scream, Mr. Kamler. I believe
we are on a rollercoaster.
Troyer: {throws up} Whooops, I lost my lunch.
Gama: Would you like me to find it?
Troyer: Trust me Gama, you don't want to find it.
Brinkman1: Brooks, you look scared. You better let me hold
you.
Brooks: Get your hands off me you CREEP! {slaps Apple
Peeler 2nd class}
Troyer: Ooooooooooh. A Taco Bell. {lifts saftey
harness just as they are flipped upside down, Kamler,
Gama, and Troyer all fall to the ground and land in a air
filled thing}
Gama: I do not believe that you were supposed to lift the
harness up Mr. Troyer.
Troyer: I don't care. Look, a Taco Bell.
Gama: Ooooooooooooh.
Kamler: Ooooooooooooh.
Troyer: Oooooooooooooooooooooooh. {they all walk
hypnotisedly, is that a word, to the Taco Bell}
Gama: I cannot believe I am standing in one the original
Taco Bell's.
Troyer: {walks up and orders} I'll have two double
decker tacos with no lettuce and two soft meat and cheese
only tacos. My friends will have the same.
Clerk: Will you have anything to drink with that?
Troyer: I'll have some Coke.
Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell that here, but I know a
good dealer on South Avenue.
Troyer: Not that kind of coke. Coca Cola.
Clerk: I'm sorry, but we only have Pepsi products.
Troyer: I travel fourteen light years all the way from
the planet Tatooine and this is the
treatment I get? When I say I want a Coke you
BETTER GIVE ME A COKE!!!
{punches the girl who mutates her voice from the Pepsi
commercials}
Clerk: {scared} Let me run over to McDonalds real
quick and get you one sir.
{scampers off and returns quickly} If you need
more, I will gladly run over and
get you refills.
Troyer: Thank you.
Clerk: Now will that be cash, credit, or checks?
Troyer: How DARE you ask me how I pay? I am the Vulcan
Ambassador to Taco Bell. You will be punished
when your superior heres about this.
Clerk: Let me check with my manager on this. {he
checks} I'm sorry, we know of no
such thing as a Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell.
Troyer: Insolent fools! I brokered the Borg deal! How
dare you treat me this way!
Gama: May I remind you that we are several hundred
years in the past. There is no
such thing as the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco
Bell.
Troyer: I was afraid of that. {pulls a gun} I hereby
declare this Taco Bell to be the first
official Vulcan supported Taco Bell. Now give
me the tacos and no one will get
hurt. I want everyone to go into the bathroom,
because I don't want anyone to
get hurt. {everyone leaves except Gama and
Kamler}
Gama: That was an interesting turn of events. {Kamler
walks to a trash can and sticks
his hand in it}
Troyer: Drew....NOOOOOO!!!
Kamler: Ahhhh, get it off me! It 's got my hand and it
won't let go! It's sucking me in! HELP!
Troyer: Gama, help, he has his hand trapped in an
automatic trash can! This is an
attempt to distract me and I won't let them
take tacos.
Police: This is the police. Surrender.
Troyer: {shouts} GIVE ME TACOS OR GIVE ME DEATH!!! We
will NEVER surrender!
Police: Everyone CHARGE! {a brawl ensues and the
trashcan succeeds in sucking Kamler in, Troyer
and Gama are captured}
Police: Hey you, the New York Jets suck!
Troyer: Mess with the Jets, die with the rest.
Police: The Broncos plastered them.
Troyer: You know what Mr. Police Officer?
Police: What?
Troyer: I think pro football is fake.
Police: Why's that?
Troyer: How else can you explain the Broncos winning
the Super Bowl two years in a row?
Police: You're gonna go down, taco freak.
Cement: Not if I can help it! Save Troyer, Gama and Kamler,
everyone! {police are quickly stunned and Drew is
rescued from trash can}
Troyer: Captain, come over and look at this. {Cement
walks over and looks at the policeman who insulted
everything Troyer loved}
Cement: He's a Romulan!
Troyer: A member of the elite Romulan Taco Police, to
be precise.
Cement: This is going to tougher than I thought it would be.
Oh well, let's go to the next step in the script.
Script Jump On board the U.S.S Applepies
Scooter: Och, Captain Bob, we have lost power to everything
on board our ship. What will we do?
Bob: Me and Lieutenant Larry here will go get help. We
know just the vegetable.
In Junior Asparagus's Bedroom
Dad: Are you sure there isn't anyone else you'd like to
invite your party.
Junior: How about Marcia? And don't forget Larry.
Dad: What about Fernando?
Junior: What about him?
Dad: Maybe you should invite him to your party.
Junior: I don't want to invite him. He talks funny.
Dad: We'll talk about it tomorrow. Good night. {dad
asparagus leaves, and a little
space ship flies and two vegetables appear}
Junior: Who are you?
Bob: I'm Bob, a tomato, and I'm Captain of our ship. This
is Lieutenant Larry, he's a cucumber.
Junior: What's that on his helmet?
Bob: Helmet? What? {looks and sees candy bar on helmet}
Larry, I thought I told you not to eat with your
helmet on. {Larry nibbles and tries
to get to the candy bar, but he can't and finally
just shakes it off} Anyway, back to business. This
is our starship, the U.S.S. Applepies. And asteroid
is heading toward her.
Junior: Why don't you move her?
Bob: We can't. She has no power. She's dead in the
water.
Larry: She's stuck!
Junior: What can I do?
Bob: Didn't you minor in aerospace technology at Happy
Tots Preschool?
Junior: Yes?
Larry: What'd you major in?
Bob: It doesn't matter.
Junior: {whispers} Playdoh.
Larry: Me too!
Script Jump On Animal Farm
Troyer: What in the world was that?
Gama: It was veggie tales.
Kamler: Cool, {Sung} Veggie tales, veggie
tales...brocolli, celary, got to be...Veggie
Tales
Cement: How did that get into our script?
Brooks: Good question.
Brinkman2: Does anyone know what Animal Farm is?
Amano: It's a farm with animals.
Cement: Well, let's go see who's home. Grab a stick or a
gun if you can. {they march onto the farm}
Snowball: There's the humans! Get them!
Cement: What is going on here? {animals of all kinds attack
the humans}
Boxer: Down with JONES!
Kamler: Jones, who is Jones?
Gama: Excuse me, we are not Jones, i believe we have a
case of mistaken identity.
Snowball: Liars! Kill them All!
Cement: Use your weapons. Ouch, I just got bitten by a
sheep! {promptly kills the sheep}
Clover: They killed Lambchops!
Troyer: Retreat, get out of here any way you can!
Script Jump Back on the Continental
{Troyer and Brinkman1 and Kamler are talking}
Brinkman1: This has been one of the more interesting trips.
Kamler: You're telling me.
Brinkman1: Yes, actually I am.
Troyer: Shut it. Now go stand in the closet.
Brinkman1: Aw man. {goes and stands in the closet, Kamler and
Troyer quietly talk for several moments, until
Brooks walks in}
Brooks: Hi.
Troyer: Hi.
Kamler: Hi. {all stand in silence}
Brooks: So how are you's?
Kamler: Who's?
Troyer: On third?
Kamler: Terry Pendleton.
Brooks: No, Who' on first.
Kamler: Mark McGwire.
Troyer: Then Who's on 2nd?
Kamler: Craig Biggio.
Brooks: No, What's on second.
Kamler: What are you talking about? Is bigfoot playing
second base?
Brooks & Troyer: Huh?
Kamler: I think I missed something.
Brooks: Obviously.
Brinkman1: Can I come out yet?
Troyer: Sure. {Brinkman1 exits the closet}
Brooks: Um...what's that all about?
Troyer: Adam just came out of the closet.
Brooks: Oh...my...gob. Ohmygob. Adam just came out
of the closet!
Brinkman2: What was that?
Brooks: Brinkman1 just came out of the closet!
Bridges: Brinkman1 came out of the closet?
Brinkman2: Brinkman1 came out of the closet! HAHAHAHAHA.
Kamler: Adam's gay!
Brinkman1: Seriously. I hate you two. And I'm not kidding.
That is not funny.
Kamler: That's all right Adam. We still love you.
Troyer: Love the sinner, hate the sin.
Gama: {Gama enters} Frankly excaptain, I did not think you
were that kind of person. {Gama leaves}
Brinkman1: Gama, wait! I'm not that kind of person!
Please...wait. Aw man. I hate you two.
Kamler: You shouldn't hate people.
Brinkman1: I don't. Except you two.
Troyer: At least you can still eat at Taco Bell.
Waltner: I can't believe I used to like you. {Waltner leaves}
Brinkman1: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!! Brinkman1 to Romulans.
You may now have the ship!
Troyer: Romulans, you may have the ship. Hahahaha.
Good one Adam. {Brinkman1 stares, Romulans
appear} Oh, wait, you're not kidding.
Brinkman1: Rehteah, nice of you to join this little escapade.
Rehteah: {about as hot as a Romulan girl can be} Very good,
my little love bunny. I'm glad to see you have
chosen us. The ones who really care about us. I
mean you.
Kamler: You'll never capture the Continental! Or is it
still called the Raeshaun?
Troyer: Actually, I think it's still called the
Raeshaun.
Raeshaun: {enters with gun} Hold on there buckos. I want all
you Romulans to back into the corner, and Brinkman1
too.
Brinkman1: OH NO! The one contingnecy I didn't plan for!
Rehteah: Adam, I am very disappointed in you.
Troyer: Who would have thought, Raeshaun saving a ship
named after himself.
Raeshaun: That's right I am good for somethi... {falls asleep,
and Romulans fall back into position}
Brinkman1: That's why I didn't plan for him to be captured.
All he does is sleep.
Rehteah: Good job Adam, you such a good boy. I like you so
much. Since you helped me, we'll help you in a
while.
Troyer: I've seen this somewhere before.
Kamler: Adam, she's using you!
Brinkman1: She is not! She makes me feel cared about.
Rehteah: SHUT UP ADAM! Oh, I'm sorry. Please let me handle
this. {Adam is shaken, but allows her to proceed}
All you guys ever do is make my little Addy waddy
feel bad about himself. But still he wouldn't
betray you. You must of did something bad to make
him turn on you. He would not even think of it
earlier in the parody.
Brinkman1: Drew, since you don't make fun of me that much, I'll
give you a chance to join me. Kill Troyer, and I
will find you someone as hot as Rehteah. {Troyer
watches, slightly amused, slightly surprised that
something of his doing actually backfired} You've
tried many times before, but luck has always been
against you. Here, you have as many chances as you
want to kill him. His death is your survival.
Kamler: {stunned} A-l-r-i-g-h-t. {Adam throws him a
phaser}
Rehteah: {knows Troyer is only kink in plan, watches with
smirk} Good job Adam, you're friends don't care
about you. I'm the only one that does.
Troyer: Do you buy that Adam?
Rehteah: Yes he does!
Troyer: I'm not talking to you. Do you seriously
believe that?
Brinkman1: It doesn't matter whether I believe it or not.
Troyer: {slaps forehead, and sighs} You didn't answer
my question.
Brinkman1: Go on Drew, kill him. {Drew slowly raises phaser,
Troyer grabs a pixie stick and puts it in his mouth
and closes his eyes}
Rehteah: What's taht pixie stick doing in your mouth?
Troyer: Smoking's stupid, and pixie sticks are a safer
alternative.
Rehteah: Kill him, Kamler. {Brinkman2 comes running in}
Brinkman2: Remember the Alamo! {he's promptly gunned down}
Troyer: Oh my gob, they killed Andrew!
Rehteah: Screw the Alamo. Kill him Kamler, dont make us do
the job.
Kamler: {fires phaser and it hits him squarely in the
chest}
Brinkman1: {cringes}
Rehteah: Very good. Guards, kill this scum. {before guards
can Kamler whirls around and stuns them so him,
Rehteah, and Brinkman1 are the only ones standing}
That's what I was afraid of. I saw him thumb the
setting to stun. {zaps the phaser out of his hand}
Adam, kill this traitor.
Brinkman1: {indecisive} Um... {decisive} NO! He's my friend.
Rehteah: Good, I was hoping you would say that. I got what I
want, now I can kill you, too.
{knocks Adam to the floor}
Kamler: Women are very weird.
Brinkman1: {gasps} No! {kicks out Rehteah's legs and as she
falls to the floor grabs the gun}
Enough! I can't believe I fell for that!
Kamler: Behind you Adam! {a guard has arisen and is
about to attack Adam, but Troyer
spears him into a window}
Troyer: {winded} Seriously Drew, next time you decide
to fry me with a phaser, turn it to
it's lowest setting.
Kamler: I had my chance to kill you, I couldn't pass it
up completely.
Troyer: Ha ha. This was an interesting turn of events.
Adam, you alright?
Brinkman1: I will be. I can't believe she used me like that.
Troyer: It's alright, women sometime have that
effect on us. They'll make us do stuff we
normally wouldn't do.
Brooks: Oooooooh Matt. I've been looking all over for
you. I need my room cleaned and
my dishes washed, sweety.
Troyer: I'll be right there, powerpuff.
Brinkman1: Like you were saying.
Troyer: She may be using me, but boy do I like it. Oh,
and before I go, you're promoted
back to Captain on Paper. I'm going to promote
Cement to Fleet Admiral. {leaves}
Kamler: Women don't have that hold on me.
Brinkman1: It's kind of like a sqare peg in a round hole.
Kamler: No, it's nothing like that. {beeper goes off}
Uh oh, Doctor Gardner wants me to pick up
groceries, a movie, three new sets of clothes
and a new kitchen set on my way home. I better
get going or she might get mad at me and ignore
me for a week. {leaves}
Brinkman1: Like I actually listen to them when they give me
advice. I guess once they realize their problems,
they'll sacrifice our ship and our friendship just
to be liked like I just did. What was I smoking? I
must have been high on some heavy pixie sticks.
Sacrifice my ship and friendships just because they
make fun of me. Sheesh. That couldn't really
happen. Or could it?
There actually is a moral too this story, but if you can't
figure it out, I'm not going to tell you. Maybe this is based
on a true story, maybe not. Maybe Kamler and I are really
being manipulated by girls, maybe we are not. Maybe Adam is
being used and will sacrifice us to Thor, the Viking god of
fighting. Maybe not. Maybe this parody will be my ticket to
stardom. Maybe not. Maybe girls will explain their true
motives instead of playing mind games with us. Maybe not.
Maybe we'll figure out women and understand what they really
mean when they say they are fat. Definitely not. Maybe
they'll stop making us act like morons to impress them. Maybe
not. Maybe girls will stop all the duplicity and backstabbing.
Maybe not. Maybe I'll stop typing. Maybe not.
You cannot find me, you cannot trace me,
Sincerely
Matt Troyer-mysteriojr7@excite.com
Vulcan and Borg Ambassador to Taco Bell
If your are hypnotized right now, go to andrew.brinkman.net and
tell them you love my stories and I should write more of them.
P.S. I will anyway.