One of Many First Contact Parodies One of Many First Contact Parodies This is the creator of Star Trek Continental, the one who has created a boatload of stories and has about 400 stories on this website. I have decided to expand my horizons and reach a bigger audience because no one will read the Continental stories. I recommend you go there after you read this one. If you really like {or really hate} or even if you have no opinions on it, email me pilot12@excite.com. Thank you oh exalted readers. On board the U.S.S Enterprise E, that is Picard: Does anyone know Polish? Riker: If you would go become an Admiral and leave me the Enterprise, I would gladly learn it. Picard: The day I become an admiral is the day you swear never you hit on a woman again. Riker: Yeah right. {both enjoy a good laugh} Data: I know Polish, Captain. Picard: Yes, but you're a bloomin' android. No one cares about you. Worf: Two ships have appeared off one of the two bows. It's been so long since I've been on a starship that I don't remember what port and starboard is. Picard: Worf, how long have you been here? Worf: Since the day of your birth. Picard: What about those ships? Have they hailed or fired weapons or kidnapped any children yet? Worf: Not yet Captain. But I recommend we kill them. Picard: Why? Worf: Because in our latest movie I got a zit and I never got to kill anyone. Geordi: The engines can't take much more of this stress Captain. Anymore and we'll have a breach on our hands. Riker: But Commander, we're at all stop. Geordi: Oh, I was looking at this padd upsided down. My bad. Worf: Captain, they have just destroyed our saucer section. I recommend we kill them. Immediately. Picard: Nice try Worf. We're on the saucer section. Worf: I meant they have destroyed the warp nacelles. Data: Worf, it is plainly obvious that you have not been on this ship for long time. Worf: Incoming message from Starfleet Command. ADmiral: Picard. The Borg have attacked and we want you to patrol the Romulan Neutral Zone. Don't come and help us, no matter what. Even if the Federation will die, do not come and help us. Picard: Okay. Good night. Data: Captain, I believe I speak for the entire crew when I say to hell with our orders. Riker: What? Hawke: I think we just jumped ahead in the script. Troi: Dang it Data, you're an android. You can't make mistakes like that. Picard: And what if I wasn't going to help the fleet anyway. Stupid idiots. What have they ever did for us? Is it just me or are we the only ones who can save the universe? And just out of curiousity, is Kirk really dead? How many times have I really met him? Worf: They have engaged the Borf. Crusher: The Borf, Worf? Worf: Borg, I meant borg. Troi: Is it time for me to get drunk with Cochran yet? RIker: No, but you can get drunk with me. Picard: Well, their goes my admiralty, Will. Worf, you're not even supposed to be here yet. Worf: Do you have a death wish, Captain? Picard: If I decide to go against Starfleet orders and go attack the Borg again, I do. {everyone stares} Fine fine. Let's go kill all our unimportant crew members. Kill the Borg. {fly into fight with the Borg} Hail all the ships, Worf. This is Picard. I'm am by far the oldest so listen to me. If we all concentrate our special effects on an unimportant system, like the Borg's internet connection, they will all die from withdrawl. {they all do it, the ship explodes and a little circle thing from the ship pops out and initiates time travel, it destroys Montana except Cochran and his ship and then the Enterprise destroys the Borg circle} Data: Captain, apparently some Borg beamed onto our ship and they are now assimilating the engineering crew. Picard: Well do something. Don't just stand there. Wait a second. I'm the Captain, I make the orders. Right? Riker: Right. Picard: Aren't you Geordi, Troi, and Crusher supposed to be on the planet? Riker: Doh! We forgot. YOu think the Borg will let us bother a transporter? Picard: Maybe if you make a human sacrifice. Riker: We'll sacrifice Data's cat. Picard: Worf, Data, you other six stupid extras, you're all with me. {all heroicly grab phaser rifles and are now walking down a hallway, Picard slips and falls} Picard: Where's the janitor? Data: He was probably assimilated. Picard: Good. Maybe the Borg will learn to clean up their messes they make while assimilating. Data: Captain, I am feeling something. I think it is nervousness. And perhaps anxiety. Picard: Data, I don't care. Shut off your stupid emotion chip like I am. Data: Oh. Ingenious Captain. Picard: Now we want to get to the engineering room but I forget why. Worf: We wanted to punch the warp core out. Picard: Um, I don't think so. Something about plasma relays. Everyone: Oh yeah. We know what you are talking about. {the Borg start to attack} Picard: Fire on rotating frequencies so the Borg don't adapt! Worf: {drops phaser} They have adapted. Use your hands to break their necks! Data: They have not adapted. Please pick up your weapon. Worf: Shoot. Picard: The Borg, preferably. On earth Troi: And so the dog was actually a space particle animal trap? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha- {falls off bar stool} Cochran: Yeah, but it's not that funny. Troi: THIS MUSIC IS REALLY LOUD! Cochran: NOT REALLY!! Troi: YOU HAVE A FAT BELLY? Cochran: YOU'RE CARRYING MY BABY? Troi: YOU'RE HAVING A BABY? IS THAT KIND ODD? Cochran: MY NAME IS NOT MUDD! Troi: NO, THESE THINGS UNDER MY DRESS ARE NOT DUDS! Riker: ISN'T THIS KIND OF LOUD? {pulls plug to jukebox} Cochran: HEY, WHAT DID you do that for? Riker: I need to talk to Deanna? Cochran: What, you said your name was Beverly. Troi: Silly me. Now you go work on your little warp engine. {Cochran leaves} I am not drunk nor did I have to much to drink. Riker: Oooooooooh, noooooooo, of course not. On Enterprise {Data is dragged under the moving door and the door shuts} Picard: Oh no, they stole Data, come back! In Sickbay Crusher: Hey, nurse, where'd this lady come from? Nurse: I don't know. She was transported in. {Borg start pounding on the door} Crusher: It's a good thing that I read the script and locked the door. Wake up this patient and we have to go crawl through a bunch of tunnels. Computer activate EMH. EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Crusher: There are about 400 Borg and they want to assimilate me. Distract them while I escape. EMH: Oh, so you let me die. Crusher: You're a hologram. DO something. {crawls into tunnel} EMH: You look like you could use a vacation. I know of some very interesting places on Risa that you may enjoy. {Borg growl} Or not. How about a lollypop? You have been very good patients and I like to reward my good patients. Borg don't eat lollypops? Well then Mr. Knowitall, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? With Picard Picard: Well Worf, how is your zero gravity manuvering? Worf: Non existent. Picard: That was a very poor pun, I hope you realize. Hawke: I'm ready. Picard: You're a good man Hawke. A pity you're going to be assimilated. {they are now walking around outside, they do the little card switch thing, Hwake is assimilated, Worf wales on the Borg and they do not get off the transmission} Worf: We are the champions. Picard: Not yet, Worf. We still have to deal with the Backstreet Boys. Worf: Good gosh no. Picard: Phasers will not kill them. Worf: Here come their allies, Hanson, Spice girls, and N'Sync! Borg drone: Boy, if this isn't an overused plot I don't know what is. Picard: Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! {they are tortured a while} Worf: Whoever thought I would be saying this? I am actually happy to see the New Kids on the Block. {they destroy all the other groups, Picard and Worf are now on the ship, Picard gets lost and meets up with the escaped sickbay patient} Picard: Well sheesh Lily. It's about time you took me hostage. I've had to skip the script twice and save the ship while I waited for you to kidnap me. Lily: Walk, or I'll use this thing. I want you to take me home right now. Picard: {opens window} Fine, jump out the window. Lily: How did I get so far away from home? And how did you know my name? Picard: A little birdy told me. Now jump before I push you. Lily: Ok, I believe you. Now close that thing before I fall out. Picard: Look, you can't fall out. I put up a forcefield. {jumps onto the window} Doh! I forgot to put up the forcefield! {plummets towards earth} 587489 3759 403786- 496724 4976-2869685672 76 487!!!!!!!!! Lily: Quick Picard, hit the shift key so you can swear properly! Picard: 460 84 8038 0239-I can't it's broken! {Picard magically appears on the ship again} I guess I must be valuable to Paramount. Lily: What is this big metal guy who is trying to poke me with a couple of giant needles? Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, it's a Borg! Run with me to the holodeck! In Holodeck Picard: Computer, start program alpha tango beta gamma delta phi kappa pi si delta omega x pac algebraic equation 28571958030858403957496-27 3\=6789 7476\6947 3-\6374\ 7247\ 673\16\36\7 -643= =13746= 649 Computer: Program is operating. Enter when ready. {they walk into a wrestling match with Rock, Goldberg, Stone Cold, Undertaker, Hogan and Scott Hall, Rey Mysterio Jr} Picard: What? This is supposed to be Dixon Hill novel! Rock: The Rock says know your role and shut your mouth! When you hear my music you know the smackdown is going to be laid on some poor jabroni and you better hope it isn't you! Goldberg: Stone Cold, YOU'RE NEXT! Stone Cold: Goldberg, it's time I open a can of whoop ***! Undertaker: The ministry is here and we will own all of wrestling. Resign to your fate and let us destroy with a minimal waste of energy. Hogan: You know brotha, for all the NWOites out there, you will die. Because to be the man, you have to beat the man! Undertaker: Hogan, you're old enough to be my 7x great grandpa. Since you would know, how was the universe really formed? Hall: Hey yo. I'm a greaseball. Mysterio: You cost me my mask, so now feel the wrath of the luche libre! Picard: Quick, blend in. {the Borg enter the ring and are quickly demolished by the squad of professional wrestlers, esp. Mysterio, Picard and Lily go to the bridge} Worf: Captain, I think we should self destruct the ship. Picard: Destruct the ship? We are dedicated, we are not pansies! Worf: Who you calling a pansie? {kills Picard, but Picard comes back to life} I told you you couldn't kill me. Crusher: Listen to reason, Jean Luc. Destroy the ship. Picard: {goes to ready room and pouts} Lily: Picard, you fool. You are wasting innocent lives by your thirst for water. PIcard: Water? Lily: I mean revenge. Thirst for revenge. Picard: Revenge? Ha. We have evolved beyond revenge. Lily: Evolution smhevolution. You're just like Captain Ahab. Always searching for the white whale. Your white whale is the Borg. picard: Listen to me, you don't have a clue. They invade our planets, we fall back. They assimilate entire food chains, we fall back. They eat our tacos, we fall back. It must stop here, and no farther! Lily: Ok Ahab. {Picard goes into hysterical rage} That's right, kill me like those wrestlers killed the Borg. {Picard smashes the little ships} You broke your little ships. Picard: Leave me alone. You know Lily, the Federation won't let me put my hands in my pockets because it would be carrying a concealed weapon. Lily: Shut up Ahab, you can't impress me. Picard: {walks onto the bridge} Worf, lets destroy this ship, once and for all! On Earth Cochran: T-20 til ignition. Riker: No flashing red lights so far. Except the one that says 'No Fuel' Cochran: {hits control panel several times} Just ignore it. Geardi: No unknown explosions, yet. Cochran: Looks like we're ready then. Tell those launching idiots we're going now and not waiting anymore. On Enterprise Picard: Everyone evacuate the ship. Lily: Aren't you coming, Ahab? Picard: No, I got to go kill the Borg queen. Worf: Let me come with you Captain. Picard: You need to go Worf. You need to grow more pimples. Worf: If you were any other man Captain, I would kill you on the spot. Which would make many spots. So I could kill more people. In Engineering Borg Queen: I wondered how long it would take, Locutus. Picard: Let Data go, and you can assimilate me. Borg Queen: I'm not as stupid as I look. You lay on that assimilating table over there and then I will let Data go. {Picard complies} Data, you may go. Data: No. Picard: That's an order Data. Data: No. Borg Queen: Data, go destroy Zefram Cochrans ship over there. Data: It would be my pleasure. {he fires missiles, but misses} Resistance is futile. {he hits plasma thing, Picard climbs rope, Borg queen tries to pull him into plasma, but Data saves Picard, plasma then clears} Picard: In some ways, I think I will miss her {snaps the metal neck} Data: I think we will all miss her. Picard: You know who I will miss even more? Data: Who? Picard: Dan Dierdorf. He was a great announcer. {as they walk into sunset} I heard they're making another new Coke. Data: It never changes does it? Picard: You know Data, not only am I ambidextrous, I can throw with both hands... Everything ends happily. The Borg are defeated, Cochran meets the Vulcans, and the ENterprise gets home safely. Picard is offered admiralty, but does not accept. HE then survives a assasination attempt. It is still being investigated, but there are suspects. Thank you for wasting your time by reading this and I recommend you go read the COntinental books You cannot find me you canno trace, Sincerely Matt Troyer Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell pilot12@excite.com