The Day The Dove Visited The Enterprise (On the bridge of the Enterprise N-C-C-1-7-0-1-A Uhura sticks her finger in her ear and wiggles it about.) Kirk: What’s wrong Uhura? Uhura: I’m getting a distress call. Kirk: (stands up) Where from. Uhura: I’m not sure, but it’s from some kind of M-class planet. Kirk: Okay, I’m going to beam down with Spock, Scotty, McCoy and Chekov. Someone, take the bridge will ya? Nameless Ensign: Aye sir. (On the planet Kirk and his away team materialize in a shower of glittery sparkly special effects.) McCoy: (opens his tricorder) I’m reading some kind of big explosion, sir (unfortunately for them there is the same kind of glittery sparkly special effects and a troop of Klingons materialize behind them) Scotty: Uhhh, Captain? Kirk: Don’t interrupt Scotty Now Spock, what do you think. Spock: I think we should turn around at this point and see what it is that Scotty is pointing and gesticulating wildly at. (Kirk and Spock turn around) Kang: (points at Spock) YOU?! Spock: (about as surprised as a Vulcan gets) Yes, it is I. Spock of Vulcan. And you are Kang: Kang of Klingfilm I mean Klingon. (takes a deep breath) I am Klingonese. But you’re not meant to be here. Spock: I do not believe I understand you. Kang: (consults script) You’re meant to be on the bridge to receive Kirk’s trick yellow light which he will flash after I have beaten him up. Kirk: Well I’ll be (consults script) He’s right Spock, and I don’t think Scotty is meant to be here either. Spock: But if Scotty is here then who will beam us up? Scotty: It’s okay sir, I have put the ETH on line. Kirk: The ETH? Scotty: The Emergency Transporting Hologram. Kirk: Okay then. (flips out communicator.) Two to beam up. Chief Miles O’Brien’s disembodied voice: Aye sir. (Spock and Scotty dematerialize) Kang: Now, we can get on with this parody. (consults script) What are you doing here? Kirk: We received a distress call from this planet. We were just checking it out. Now I could ask the same thing of you what are you doing out here? Kang: The same reason. We received a distress call and came down to see if there was anyway which we could act honourably and take lots of prisoners. However, since this planet appears to have been obliterated, you’ll have to do instead. Chekov: You Klingon murderers! Kirk: Chekov!! Chekov: My brother, he lived here. Now he is dead, murdered by the Klingon wessels. Kirk: Chekov calm down. Chekov: (leaps toward the nearest Klingon and starts strangling him. Two Klingons pull him off and pin him to the floor.) Kang: You will agree to these terms: You will surrender your ship to us and transport us aboard. Kirk: (acting macho) Or what? Kang: (nods to the Klingons holding Chekov. They light a cigarette and hold it to his face while he screams and convulses in agony) Kirk: (In moral dilemma) I don’t know, I’m in a moral dilemma. Chekov: (screaming) No Keptin don’t!! Don’t do it. Kang: I would add that we will kill your young friend here unless you comply with our orders. Kirk: Very well, I’ll do it. Kang: (punches Kirk in the face) You sad human. A Klingon would never have given up his ship. Kirk: (struggling in the dirt) Well if you act like that then you’re not having our ship. So there. Kang: (nods to the Klingons holding Chekov. They re-light the ciggarette and burn Chekov’s face until the skin is peeling away and parts of his face look like marmalade) Kirk: No! Stop it. Stop hurting him. I’ll give you my ship, just stop hurting Chekov. Kang: Very well. Tell the half-breed that was here earlier to beam us and our comrades off the ship. Chekov: No, not you too. Kang: I beg your pardon? Chekov: Granted. Kang: No, what did you mean by ‘Not us too?’ Chekov: The Klingons have gone Communist too Keptin. Kang called his crew comrades. Kirk: Why so they did. (flips open communicator) Spock, beam us amd the crew of the Klingon ship up. (presses his yellow alert button) Spock: (on the bridge) Yes sir. Kirk: And Spock. Spock: Yes sir? Kirk: You don’t get to sit in the command chair until you’re a captain like me, understand? Spock: (glumly) Yes sir. Kirk: Good. Kirk out. (In transporter room X Kirk, Chekov, and McCoy materialize) Scotty: I am now transporting the Klingons. Kirk: No, wait! (flips open communicator) Spock get me a security team down here now! Spock: Yes sir. Chekov: You should not complete the transport sir. You should freeze them in animation, halfway between solid and non- solid. McCoy: (half-asleep) Kirk: (prods him in the ribs) McCoy: What?! What is it? Kirk: It’s your line you half-witted slug. McCoy: (checks script) Uh, Chekov let me look at that burn. Chekov: (screams in agony while McCoy prods his finger right down into Chekov’s mouth.) McCoy: Oh my,He’s dead Jim. (Kirk gapes) Haha, just kidding. I had to get that line in somewhere. (flips open communicator) Okay sickbay. We have a 6th degree burn here. (rubs hands evilly) I’ve always wanted to treat one of these! Chekov: (eyes wide open in fright) Remember what I said about the transport sir. Don’t complete it (he is dragged off by McCoy) Kirk: Hmmm, maybe he’s right Scotty don’t complete the transport. Scotty: But sir... Kirk: That’s an order!! Scotty: No sir, I was just going to say, shouldn’t we have seen some sort of non-solid creature sir, that feeds off our emotions. Kirk: No, you ninny. WE haven’t seen it yet, but the viewers at home have. Scotty: (checks console) Not according to my calculations sir. Kirk: Okay then, reveal the alien. Scotty: (unfortunately presses the wrong button and the Klingons materialize on the transport pad) Kang: So you thought you were being clever did you? (more Klingons arrive on the pad.) Kang: My wife, Mara. Mara: What’s happening Kang? Where will they take us? Kang: They will take us to their lair where they will act dishonourably and torture the men and rape the women. (gasps all round, not just from Klingons) Kirk: (sarcastically) How did you know? After that little speech I’m almost tempted to do that, but I really don’t find Klingon women attractive, although I know they find me attractive! (he preens) You will be treated honourably. (nods to the Security team as they finally file through the door.) Alright Bob, Pete, Mike, Dan WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN? Security Man!: (clutches head) Ohh captain please don’t shout. Kirk: And please don’t depress the SHIFT key when writing numerically. Don’t tell me that you lot have raided the wine cupboards again! Security man2: Well actually Kirk: Why did Admiral Haynes give me such an awful crew?! Security man!: We’re not that bad sir Kirk: Wanna bet? And what did I tell you about writing numerically? Security man1: Sorry sir. Kirk: Take these Klingons and escort them to the visitors lounge. Security man2: Yes sir. (As the Klingons are escorted to the visitor’s lounge Kang discusses things with his wife) Kang: The way I see it we have only one choice. (the door swishes open and Kirk walks in) Kirk: I believe there’s something I owe you Kang. (punches Kang in the face. Kang falls over. Mara goes to draw her phaser but it turns to a sword in her hand. Kirk, seeing an advantage draws his phaser only to find that it turns to a sword. Other Klingons and the dopey security guards find it too. Kirk turns to Kang who is nursing a bloody nose) What have you done? Kang: It’s not us, it’s probably more of your human trickery. Come on boys! (the Klingons charge the security who are having a quiet nap) Kirk: (Walks over to security man1. Shouts) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUST NOW? Security man1: (responds in the way of all teenagers) Nothing! Kirk: Yes, well that’s plainly obvious thank you. GET AFTER THOSE KLINGONS NOW!!!!! (security run after them.) Kirk: (shakes his head) One of these days. (down in engineering Scotty shakes his head and flips out his communicator.) Scotty: Captain, we have 30 men down in engineering. Kirk: Yes well, you do need a crew Scotty. Scotty: No, I mean they’re trapped. Kirk: How? Scotty: Behind a door that won’t open. Kirk: How many men do we have now then? Scotty: About 30. Kirk: Oh my. Scotty: What Captain, what is it? Kirk: Our forces number the same amount as the Klingons. Scotty: And what? Kirk: Oh it’s probably nothing, Kirk out. (In one of the identical corridors that the Enterprise has, a shimmery special effect goes through a wall.) (Back in engineering.) Kirk: (over communicator) So what state are our amouries in then? Scotty: (Looking admiringly at a 15 inch blade) Well I’m there now Captain, and a finer lot of antiques you never did see. Kirk: Well, arm your men and get after those Klingons. Scotty: Just one thing sir. Kirk: what? Scotty: I don’t have any men, they’re all trapped behind a big metal door. Kirk: So? Get some new ones. Scotty: But sir. Kirk: Just do it!! Kirk out. (On the bridge.) Nameless Ensign: Sir, control is being re-routed to engineering!! Life support, steering, the Slush Puppie machine! Everything. Kirk: What are you doing? Nameless Ensign: Going for a best supporting actor oscar. Kirk: Quit. (there is a blinding flash of light and am irate male human stands there.) Jason Donner: You can’t do that!! Kirk: Who are you? Jason Donner: I am Jason Donner and I featured the best supporting actor oscar joke in my parody Star Trek : Full Contact. Kirk: Well, I’m very sorry, will this help? (Kirk punches Jason Donner in the jaw. Jason Donner falls to the floor out cold) Kirk: (pulls out communicator) Bones can you send a medical team up to the bridge, we have a bit of a medical emergency up here. McCoy: Just a bit? We have a full blown medical emergency in sickbay. Kirk: What’s wrong? McCoy: Chekov has just discharged himself and is roaming the ship with a 12 inch blade. (Jason Donner starts to groan and move. Kirk kicks him in the ribs, he lies still) Kirk: Come on Bones, I don’t want to have to hurt this poor young man anymore than I have to. (steps on Jason Donner’s stomach on the way out) Jason Donner: OOF! (Kirk steps into the turbolift dragging Jason Donner by the hair.) (Down in the armoury unit Scotty has enlisted the help of Data, Geordi, Worf and Riker from Star Trek : The Next Generation.) Riker: So what you’re saying is that there is some kind of alien force roaming this ship that wants you alive, it has changed your weapons to primitive swords, but won’t let your men die. Did I get it all? Scotty: Just about but we don’t know that yet. Riker: Sorry? Scotty: We don’t know what you’ve just told us. Riker: Okaaaay. well luckily we have our everything-proof phasers with us. (he squints proudly) I helped re-tune them in The Best Of Both Worlds to kill the Borg. Geordi: No you didn’t. Riker: Yes I did! Geordi: With all due respect sir, all you did was hold the screwdriver. Riker: So? I did more than the boy. Data: I presume you are referring to Wesley. Riker: Yeah, and I beat you all at poker. Worf: That is not what I heard. I heard you were beaten by Commander Shelby. Riker: (ignores Worf) Anyway, we will help you get this alien life form. Scotty: (listening to the quarrel with fascination) What? Oh, okay. (whispering to Data) What’s a Borg? (they leave) (in one of the afore-mentioned identical corridors Chekov sneaks through like Sherlock Holmes, only instead of the deertstalker hat and trench coat he has a Starfleet uniform. Only the shifty look and the pipe are the same. coming the opposite way is Kirk and Spock, walking through the corridors looking for Chekov.) Kirk: Chekov! Chekov!! come out come out wherever you are!! (Chekov somehow stumbles across Mara) Chekov: You are a Klingon, and I should hate you but you are werry werry beautiful. (He kisses her!!!!!!!!!) Kirk: (sees Chekov and Mara getting off with each other) Oh how sick is this? Spock, come here a minute will you. Spock: (sees Kirk as if for the first time) Captain, my love! (kisses Kirk full on) Kirk: (spitting helplessly) Spock, get a grip on yourself!! Where’s your lack of emotion? (turns to see Chekov and Mara still kissing) Chekov, for heavens sakes give her air! Spock: It’s okay captain. (Pulls two minature oxygen tanks out of his pocket and straps them on Chekov and Mara.) Kirk: Thank you Spock. (suddenly sees alien hovering above some kind of pipe) What’s that? Spock: it would appear to be some kind of alien life form captain. Kirk: Hey Chekov, Chekov look at this. (starts shaking him, until he realises that the shape he is shaking is not moving. He looks up, and up, and up into the face of a not very pleased Worf) Aah! Scotty, who’s this? Scotty: This is Worf sir. Kirk: And what I mean WHO is Worf? Worf: I am a Klingon. Kirk: Scotty, not you too. Scotty: What’s that meant to mean sir? Kirk: (gestures helplessy to where Chekov and Mara are still kissing passionately) Scotty: Oh, how hideous. What’s that sticking out of Mara’s ear? Kirk: (looks) It appears to be a pipe Scotty. Scotty: Oh. (To Riker) Things get wierder. Riker: (points to alien) What’s that? Spock: Hang on, the script writer has not re written my response for that comment. Let me just check (checks script) It would appear to be some kind of alien life form captain sorry I mean, what’s your name? Riker: I am William T Riker, first officer of the Enterprises D and E. Kirk: What does the T stand for? Riker: I’m not sure, take your pick from the top ten list of rejected middle names. It should be somewhere round here. (pats pockets) Kirk: Well, don’t worry about that now. (grabs Chekov by the scruff of his neck and forcibly removes him from Mara. There is a sucking sound as they part.) Chekov, we need your help. (nods to Data and Geordi. They grab Mara and hold a phaser to her head.) okay so now Kang’s wife is our prisoner. He will listen to us now. Come on people, back to the bridge!! Jason Donner: (just waking up) Urrrh Kirk: Not you! (clubs him back into unconciousness with the butt of his sword.) Okay people, forget the bridge thing, we’re off to the sick bay! (in sick bay) McCoy: What happened Jim? Kirk: I lost control. We all did. McCoy: (checks him with the tricorder) He’s dead Jim. Kirk: Yeah right. Now Bones, I need you on the bridge. McCoy: No, seriously, he’s dead. Kirk: No way?! Oh well, he was only some stupid parody writer. ME: Uh hum? Kirk: (looking upward) The exception proves the rule okay?! ME: Hmmmm. (leaving the snotty crew of the Enterprises over the ages we journey to Engineering which Kang has conquered and stuck the Klingon flag in. A picture of a bloody human head empaled on a spike.) Kang: Now Mara, we have conquered this part of the ship and now all we have to do is... Mara? Mara? Now where do you think she went to? (a communicator bleeps) Kirk: Kang we have your wife prisoner and we will kill her if you do not agree to our terms. Kang: And what? She will understand I’m sure. (raises voice) Mara, I’ll cook dinner tomorrow night to make it up to you alright honey? (switches off communicator) (on bridge) Kirk: Dammit. He called my bluff. (an idea strikes) OWCH. (rubs head) Spock, intra ship beaming, can it be done? Spock: It has rarely been done because of the risks it entails. If you materialized in a solid object. Kirk: Yeah yeah yeah, I know. But can it be done? Spock: I suppose so, in theory. Kirk: Good, beam me to engineering. I’m about to take another stupid risk. (grabs Mara by the arm and drags her over to the transport pad. Another idea strikes. Kirk looks up.) Oh no. not another one. OWCH. (rubs head and runs over to the console where he lays down his sword) Spock’s voice over communicator: Transporting. (glittery shimmery special effects de-materialize Kirk and Mara.) (they materialize in Engineering behind Kang.) Mara: (Grabs Kang’s arm) Kang: (almost smiling) Mara, you’re back, and you bring us a surprise.(draws sword) Mara: No, Kang, he comes alone, unarmed. (mutters) Stupid human. Kang: Mara what have they done to you? Mara: They did not harm me. Kirk: Go on, be a pawn, be a good soldier that never disobeys orders. (everyone stares at him.) Oh, hang on. Sorry, I turned over two pages in my script at the same time. Sorry. That comes later. Kang: Now I will have to kill you. (Mara nicks a sword off one of the Klingon soldiers and throws it to Kirk. Kang and Kirk fight) Kirk: (making neat defensive movements with lots of clashing metal.) Of course. I’m good at everything remember? Kang: (pins down Kirk with a sword at his throat) You were saying? Kirk: (throws off Kang easily) Go on take your best shot. Kill me, I won’t die, next time I’ll do the same to you. And so it goes on. The good old game of war. Oh, and before I forget again, our dilithium crystals are burning out, and we only have about 5 minutes of power left, so we drift in space. with nothing but endless hatred to keep us company. (he gestures to where the little alien blob shimmers benignly) Go on, be a pawn, be a good soldier that never questions orders. See if I can care. Kang: (grudgingly) What do I have to do? Kirk: (goes over to intercom) Uhura, put me on speakers. Uhura: You’re turned on captain. Kirk: (mutters) I most certainly am, uh hum. This is Kirk, the hostilities must end. Kang. Kang: This is Kang. Put down your weapons. (The fighting that I forgot to mention had started out in the hallway suddenly stops) Spock: (who mysteriously creapt through the fighting without getting a scratch, probably through his miraculous Vulcan nerve pinch thing which doesn’t actually work, unless you have a spor on your neck, in which case it doesn’t just render you unconscious but actually kills you.) It may be added that good spirits might have a bad effect on the alien. (Kang, Kirk, Spock and McCoy [where did HE come from?] gather round and gaze up at the alien.) Kirk: We know your game, and we don’t wanna play. Get off my ship, you’re a dead duck. McCoy: Yeah, out already! (everybody stares at him in surprise. He mumbles) I just wanted a line. Kang: Out! For the present only a fool fights in a burning house! Out! we need no urging to hate humans. We hate them enough as it is! Kirk: Kang! Don’t let it know that! (Everybody starts to laugh, except Spock, of course. The alien moves out the ship.) McCoy: I wonder where he got his protien from? Fin’