Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist analyzes Sci-Fi Characters.
(Part 1: Dr. Katz analyzes the Sliders)
By Jesse Glaspey
(Quinn is sitting on the couch)
Quinn: It's weird. I've seen myself as a young man, and what I'd look
like as a woman but I'm wondering what I'll look like as an old
man.
Dr. Katz: Give it time. You'll see what you look like as an old man when
you're older.
Quinn: Or if the ratings sag.
Dr. Katz: That's always a possibility.
***********
(Wade is on the couch now)
Wade: I'm too short! People always go for the short person first!
Dr. Katz: Nothing's wrong with being short. I'm short, also.
Wade: But if someone is chasing you and a tough guy. Who's he going to go
after? The short person! And I always get kidnapped whenever I use
the computer. I'm thinking of getting rear view mirrors for the
computer.
Dr. Katz: I thought you could defend yourself?
Wade: Mmmm...No.
Dr. Katz: Don't you have that...That mini...Mini dart gun?
Wade: No. I don't even know how to use a gun!
Dr. Katz: How can you be a spy and not know how to defend yourself or shoot
weapons?
Wade: I'm not a spy.
(a pause)
Wade: WAITAMINUTE! You think I'm that slut from Spy Games!
Dr. Katz: We're not here for name calling.
Wade: Sorry. I'm not the girl from Spy Games!
Dr. Katz: What show are you from?
Wade: Sliders!
(Dr. Katz is silent)
Dr. Katz: Is that on NBC?
Wade: Fox!
(Dr. Katz is silent again)
***********
Quinn: I feel too much responsibility!
Dr. Katz: Responsibility can be a good thing.
Quinn: Have you ever had the fate of a world in your hands?
Dr. Katz: (Pause) I can't say I have.
Quinn: I always have to save the day...help everyone out...
Dr. Katz: Put right what once went wrong...Hoping each slide will be the
slide home.
Quinn: Wrong show.
Dr. Katz: Sorry, similar premise.
***********
Rembrandt: No one wants to hear me sing!
Dr. Katz: So, you're a singer?
Rembrandt: You never heard of The Cryin' Man?
Dr. Katz: Not particularly. But I play guitar.
Rembrandt: How long have you been playing?
Dr. Katz: We're not here for me.
Rembrandt: Sorry. Whenever I try to sing they don't wanna listen!
Dr. Katz: (while doodling on notepad) I hear you.
Rembrandt: Do you want to hear me sing?
Dr. Katz: Not right now.
***********
Logan St. Claire: Have you ever wondered what you'd look like as a woman?
Dr. Katz: (Mentally picturing it) No.
Logan St. Claire: I found out what I looked like as a man.
(Dr. Katz is silent.)
Logan St. Claire: I look like the guy from My Secret Identity.
(Dr. Katz is still silent.)
Dr. Katz: Maybe I'm not the right therapist for you.
***********
Quinn: I had a dog recently, for a short while.
Dr. Katz: What was his name?
Quinn: Henry.
Dr. Katz: Whatever happened to him?
Quinn: Have you ever tried cleaning doggie-doodoo in a interdimensional
wormhole? Not a pretty picture!
***********
Arturo: I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Dr. Katz: That's right, let it out.
Arturo: I WAS KILLED OFF! HOW DARE THEY!
Dr. Katz: Who's "they"?
Arturo: Circus midgets.
Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm. Go on.
Arturo: I'm the best actor in the damn group!
Dr. Katz: Well, think of it this way, you've joined an elite group. Yar
from Star Trek the Next Generation, Tessa from Highlander, that
woman from ER...
Arturo: Those were all blond women! What do they have in common with me?
Dr. Katz: (Pause.) Not much.
Arturo: You blistering idiot!
Dr. Katz: Hey! You need a Time Out!
***********
Rembrandt: (Singing) It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not
unusual to have fun with anyone!
Dr. Katz: Could you please stop?
Rembrandt: (Singing) What's new pussycat? Whoa-ooooOH! What's new pussycat?
Whoa-ooooOH!
Dr. Katz: Let's try to focus here.
(Rembrandt continues to sing)
***********
Kromagg: I have an inferiority complex.
Dr. Katz: I never would've guessed.
Kromagg: I feel like I'm just a cog in a huge machine!
Dr. Katz: What does that machine do?
Kromagg: Conquer parallel dimensions.
Dr. Katz: Hmm. That's an interesting machine.
Kromagg: I wanna puppy!
Dr. Katz: That might help you with your affection-deficiency-disorder.
Kromagg: Affection? I'm hungry!
***********
Maggie: I feel tense around the others!
Dr. Katz: Like they don't accept you?
Maggie: That they're holding me back. I'm better than them!
Dr. Katz: Now, we're all equal.
Maggie: Bah! I've got military training!
Dr. Katz: I think you're in denial.
Maggie: What?
Dr. Katz: So many bad things have happened to you: Your husband was killed,
your boss became a psychotic murderer, Thinner...That you've
decided to try to feel superior.
Maggie: No. No! NO! I...I....I was on Remote Control!
Dr. Katz: But people only remember Colin Quinn and Ken Ober.
Maggie: (Breaking down) NOOOOOOO! I WAS IN BEASTMASTER TWO!
Dr. Katz: No one saw it.
Ben: I did. It was pretty good!
Dr. Katz: I'll talk to you later! I'm with a patient.
Maggie: NoOoOoOoOoOo! (crying) I was in Anaconda!
Dr. Katz: Crushed between John Voight's legs.
Maggie: WAHHHHHH!
Dr. Katz: It's alright. This is where the healing begins.
Maggie: Wahhhhhhhhhh!
(The music starts.)
Dr. Katz: Oops. You know what the music means.
Maggie: Another striptease for Eric Roberts?
Dr. Katz: (Pauses) No. The show is over.
THE END.....? Join us next time as Dr. Katz analyzes the X-Files Gang! But
first......
------------------
Narrator: Coming soon to a theater near you...SPACEBALLS: The Special
Edition!
Yogurt: May the Shwartz be with youuuuu!
Narrator: With new enhanced effects!
(The Winebago is cooler looking with CGI)
Narrator: Digitally enhanced sound!
Dark Helmet: (Breathing sounds clearer)
Narrator: And a few new surprises!
(The Aliens Musical number is longer with the entire Diner joining in.)
Narrator: SPACEBALLS: THE SPECIAL EDITION! Watch it now before they make
another godawful Batman movie!
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Daniel Furuya
www.geocities.com/hollywood/set/7308