The Sliders/Duckman crossover
"Too much free time"
By Jesse Glaspey
Opening: The sliders are about to slide while in a classroom.
Arturo: Mr. Kotter! It has been hell substituting for you! Your students
are rowdy and your vice-principal is a fool!
Mr. Kotter: Imagine doing it day after day.
Arturo: You poor man.
Horshack: Oo! Oo! Oo! Mr. Arturo, could you explain what it is you're
doing again?
Arturo: You blistering idiot! Me and my friends travel to other
dimensions!
Epstein: I'm coming with!
Wade: WHAT? You can't!
Epstein: But, I gotta note! (Hands Wade a note)
Wade: "Dear Sliders, please let Epstein slide with you so he can meet
otherdimensional Sweathogs. Signed Epstein's mother."
Mr. Kotter: (Grabs note) GIMME THAT!
Rembrandt: Gotta go. Nice hanging with you Washington!
Washington: Cool, man! (Starts imitating a bass) Boom boom boom boom...
Rembrandt: (Singing) I've got tears in my fro.... (Wade covers his mouth)
Wade: Quinn, open the portal now!
Quinn: Alright already! Barbarino, could you move?
Barbarino: What?
Quinn: Move so I can open the portal.
Barbarino: Where? (Arturo moves Barbarino to the side, Quinn opens
the gateway)
Horshack: Verrrrrrry impressive, Mr. Mallory!
Quinn: Later! (Quinn jumps through)
Arturo: Farewell! (Arturo jumps through)
Mr. Kotter: Say Wade, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Barry?
Wade: Oh god no! (Wade jumps through)
Mr. Kotter: Rembrandt! Here's some of Julie's casserole to feed you guys!
Rembrandt: Thanks! (Rembrandt jumps through)
(The portal discolors, shimmies, shakes, burps then closes. The portal
re-opens dropping them in the middle of a cartoon living room.)
Wade: Whoa! We're cartoons!
Arturo: D'oh!
Quinn: We have a day and a half 'til the next slide.
Rembrandt: We have to find out what to do now that we're 'toons!
Duckman: YOU CAN START BY GETTING OUT OF MY WAY AND BLOCKING MY VIEW OF THE
SWEDISH HOCKEY TEAM!
(Arturo sees Duckman)
Arturo: My god!
Duckman: What the hell are YOU staring at?
Quinn: We've never seen a talking duck before.
Duckman: And I'VE never seen 'My Secret Identity' Now we're even!
(Duckman sees Wade) Hellllooo, and who are you?
Wade: Wade Wells, who're you?
Duckman: Duckman, private dick. Mind if I wade in your wells?
(Duckman winks)
Wade: You...YOU...
Arturo: Pig.
Duckman: That's my partner.
Arturo: What?
(Quinn & Rembrandt are holding Wade back. Bernice enters.)
Bernice: DUCKMAN!! Who are you harassing now?
Duckman: Four people that landed in the living room. Who are you scaring
with that godforsaken mask?
Bernice: What mask?
Duckman: My point exactly.
(Bernice hits Duckman)
Bernice: Are you four new in the city?
Quinn: For a day or two.
Bernice: Well, you can stay here at our place!
Arturo: That's not really nessecary.
Bernice: YOU'LL STAY! We so rarely have company.
Quinn: Um...sure. We're not surprised.
Bernice: We'll fix your rooms and introduce the family. CHARLES! MAMBO!
AJAX! BRING GRANMAMA!
(They enter, the sliders are stunned.)
Quinn: Oh boy.
Duckman: Wrong show.
=====================================================
Commercial Break:
--------------------------
Narrator: Tonight on UPN, the alpha quadrant gets a new radio station!
DS9:WKRP! SEE! Mr. Carlson and Captain Sisko team up to keep
the station running! HEAR! Their secretarys, Dax and Jennifer
dish gossip! MARVEL! At the afro Venus gives Worf! CRINGE! At
the shady dealings between Quark and Herb! GAZE! At the catfight
between Major Kira and Bailey! THRILL! As Dr. Julian Bashir
works with Dr. Johnny Fever!
Bashir: This is a hypospray.
Fever: Cool man! (Fever injects himself with it, passes out)
Narrator: Catch all the wacky antics on DS9: WKRP! Right after RoboCop
Rock!
=====================================================
(Duckman is taking Quinn to work with him in Duckman's car. Duckman is
driving.)
Duckman: Inter-dimensional traveling, huh? What does another dimesion
look like?
Quinn: Well, they're the same planet just some differences! A world on
fire, a world ruled by Russians, a world ruled by women, naked
world!
Duckman: (Starts driving on sidewalk) Woo-hoo! Tell me every thing about
that one!
Quinn: Is this safe?
Duckman: Of course! We have as much right to be one the sidewalk as
anyone else! We're here! (Stops car. Duckman & Quinn enter
the office, Fluffy & Uranus greet them.)
Fluffy & Uranus: Oh, Mr. Duckman! You've brought a client!
Quinn: What the...?
Duckman: Yeah right. Hey, my desk is wobbly. (Duckman grabs Fluffy &
Uranus, shoves them under his desk and pins them there.)
Cornfed: Duckman, if he's not a client, who is he?
Duckman: (Sitting on top of the desk) Cornfed Pig, my partner. Quinn
Mallory, dimensional Slider.
Cornfed: Dimensional travel, eh? I've done some of it myself.
Quinn: No way?!?!
Cornfed: Way. After graduating from MIT after one year, I wandered
aimlessly and one day after eating a Fish Deluxe and drinking
a Red Wolf, I travelled to a world that was populated by
evolved telepathic Cro-Magnons. I became their king. I left that
world for showbiz. I left them a new king, one Conrad Bennish Jr.
(Quinn is stunned silent)
Duckman: Ah, interdimensional travel! At the beginning it seems fun
and amazing. But before you know it, you're smack dab in the
middle of third rate ripoffs of popular movies and your biggest
guest stars are Corey Feldman and Mel Torme! (Looking out
window with binoculars) WOW! Check out the globes on that woman
at KFC! GRILL THAT CHICKEN, BABY!
(Two people come in.)
Cornfed: Duckman, we have possible clients.
Male Client: Mr. Duckman, we need you to find our dog!
Female Client: Our dog was out frolicking in our yard when a red vortex
sucked him in! You have to find him!
Cornfed: Quinn, Duckman. Do you suspect what I suspect?
Duckman: Yeah, no WAY can her breasts be real! (gestures at Female
clients rather large breasts.)
Quinn: No! This means that someone else is sliding!
Cornfed: If any more portals continue to open on this world, the fabric
of reality might come undone.
Quinn: How do you know?
Cornfed: Lucky guess.
MEANWHILE......
(Bernice and Wade are doing steparobics)
Bernice: So, what do you do on other worlds?
Wade: Get involved in other people's business. Adventuring.
Bernice: Well, everyone should have a hobby. How long have you and Quinn
been dating?
Wade: We're not dating, we're just good friends!
Bernice: So he's single?
Wade: Yes, why?
Bernice: (Drooling with lust) Homina homina huwaaaa!
Wade: I didn't know you spoke Kromagg!
MEANWHILE.....
(Rembrandt and Cahrels & Mambo are in the kitchen)
Rembrandt: Is there anything to eat that doesn't have plants growing
out of it?
Charles: No.
Mambo: But we have some good food in our mini-refrigerator in me and
Charles' room.
Rembrandt: Can I have some?
Charles: On one condition....
Rembrandt: Anything!
Mambo: You have to give Granmama a bath for us. We were supposed to do it.
Rembrandt: Fine! The things I do to stay alive! (Rembrandt wheels
Granmama off.)
MEANWHILE....
(Artruo is looking at Charles and Mambo's science projects and awards.)
Arturo: Such nice smart children! I wonder if they get it from their
mother? I'll be damned if they got it from their father.
(Ajax enters)
Ajax: Dod? Is that you? You've put on weight! (Runs up and hugs Arturo)
Arturo: GAH! Get off me! I'm not your father!
Ajax: Oh, I see. You're the scientist from another direction.
Arturo: Dimension, you blistering idiot!
Ajax: Oh. Do you like food?
Arturo: Yes, why?
Ajax: Have you ever made a sandwich so beautiful you didn't want to eat
it?
Arturo: You wonder that also?
(Ajax and Arturo leave for the kitchen)
=========================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
--------------------------------------
Narrator: Tired of 'Must See NBC'? Well it 'Coulda been UPN'! Home
of such hits like: "The Nowhere Guy", "Sentinelfeld", "The Naked
Burning Zone" and our hit, a 'friendly' Star Trek: Voyager!
Paris: Could there BE any more Kazon!
Janeway: (with a 'Rachel' haircut) Hail them!
(Seska comes on screen)
Seska: Oh my GAWD! We're going to destroy you! (Irritating braying laugh)
Chakotay: Why did I date her?
Narrator: And stay tuned after the shows for bonus episodes of 'Mad about
Moesha' and 'Suddenly Sparks!'
=========================================================
(Cornfed, Quinn and Duckman are investigating the yard where the dog was
kidnapped.)
Quinn: What could've done this?
Cornfed: My psychic powers are telling me that something here isn't kosher.
Duckman: You're a pig. You aren't kosher!
Quinn: Psychic powers? Sliding? Is there anything you can't do?
Duckman: Solve Earth's problems!
Cornfed: I'm working on that.
(Quinn, Duckman and Cornfed enter the house, the clients are gone.)
Quinn: Wait a minute...Shouldn't dog owners have dog food in the kitchen?
(Quinn points to the kitchen where no food is seen. Duckman wanders to the
bedroom.)
Cornfed: (In living room) They don't have any dog toys either.
Quinn: Something's up here.
Duckman: (From bedroom) Corny! I was right! (Quinn and Cornfed rush to
the bedroom to see Duckman is holding up a dress belonging to
the Female Client that is two sizes two small for her.) I knew
they were fake!
Quinn: Oh brother...
Cornfed: Wait, there's a connection here. Perhaps two of our worst
enemies have teamed up to try to destroy us.
Quinn & Cornfed: Nah!
(Duckman is about to hang the dress back up when he trips and opens a
small room. The room is lined with pictures of Quinn and Duckman and the
words "Die Duckman die!" and "Die Quinn die!" line the walls.)
Duckman: That team-up is sounding mighty good right now.
(Clients step out with guns.)
Male Client: Reach for the sky!
(Duckman, Corny and Quinn comply)
Quinn: Who are you?
Cornfed: I've figured it out. The lies, the small dress, the female
client's large yabos, the lack of originality for names like
"Male and Female Client", The pure stupidity in choosing Duckman
over a competent detective. The Male Client is none other than.....
Male Client: Yes! Me! (Removes disguise) KING CHICKEN! Buck buck buck!
These are diguises i've designed, I needed the large breasts
to get Duckman's attention!
Cornfed: I was going to guess Aaron Spelling.
Duckman: KING CHICKEN! Then who's your slut?
Female Client: The slut is ME! (Removes disguise) Logan St. Claire!
Quinn: You!
Duckman & Cornfed: Who?
Quinn: If I was born a woman, I'd look like her.
Duckman & Cornfed: You make a nice woman.
King Chicken: Silence! While you were 'investigating' Ms. St. Claire
and I took the liberty of kidnapping you friends and family!
(Logan flips a switch, the house turns into a huge warehouse. The sliders
and Duckman's family are handcuffed to a wall.)
Logan: Surrender or your friends die! Buck buck buck.
King Chicken: That's my line!
Logan: Sorry. Habit forming.
(Quinn, Duckman and Cornfed, with no other option, surrender.)
===================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
-----------------------------------
Narrator: Tonight on the big Fox/WB crossover....Mulder and Scully
investigate strange goings on in Gotham City....
Batman: You're here investigating the Joker aren't you?
Mulder: That and why a grown man is running around in tights with
a young boy.
(Batman beats the hell out of Mulder)
******************************
Scully: Slut.
Catwoman: Ice queen.
**************************
Joker: Why would a psycho like me team up with a geezer like you?
Cancerman: Ratings.
Joker: Hooray for Hollywood.
**************************************
(Mulder, Scully, Batman and Robin are face to face with Cancerman, Krycek,
The Enigma, Joker, Riddler and Catwoman)
Mulder: Holy crap, Batman! We're outnumbered!
(Batman, anticipating this {why? He's smart.} snaps his fingers.
Nightwing, Azrael, Huntress and all of the GCPD come out.)
Krycek: We might have a problem.
(A fight breaks out. Robin slaps Krycek around like a little girl.)
*******************************
Skinner: A SECOND CASE SOLVED!
*****************************
Narrator: Tonight on Fox/WB. Right after Superman/Sliders!
==========================================================
(The sliders and Duckman and family are tied up.)
Quinn: Why are you two doing this?
Logan: Well I met Kingy when my portal opened in this warehouse...
King Chicken: And we hit it off famously, got to know each other and
found out we have so much in common...
Logan: Like our hatred for you two...Isn't that right, Kingy-Wingy?
King Chicken: Yes indeedy Logy-Wogy!
Sliders & the Duckman gang: Ugh!
Duckman: Bleah! I'm gonna be sicky-wicky! Let me get this straight,
you're shagging Miss Eclaire?
Logan: ST. CLAIRE!
Duckman: Whatever. Why don't you just put Quinn in drag and save your
time?
Quinn: Don't give him any ideas!
Ajax: Dod? Are we in trouble?
Arturo: Of course we're in trouble you blistering idiot!
Ajax: I knew you were dod! (hugs Arturo)
Arturo: AGH!
Rembrandt: (Shuddering) I can't believe I washed that woman. So much gas!
Too much. (starts crying)
Charles & Mambo: GET OVER IT!
Bernice: Oh hold me Quinn! (Grabs Quinn)
Wade: Take a cold shower, woman!
King Chicken: Enough witty banter! Now to destroy you! We're going to
'slide' you to the Kromagg homeworld to leave you to their
torture! Eating your eyes, Experiments, mind games, forcing
you to watch 'Claude's Crib'! Meanwhile, Logan and I will take
over both shows! (Logan opens the portal)
Rembrandt: Shows?
Duckman: King Chicken thinks this is a show on USA.
Arturo: USA?
Quinn: Universal owns them like they own us. It's like FOX, but with worse
ratings!
Duckman: Yeah, like your show is a Nielsen bonanza! I was enthralled with
'Electric Twister Acid Test' VERN!
Quinn: Touche.
Duckman: Not now. I'm not in the mood.
Quinn: What?
Duckman: Hey! A condom! (To everyone's surprise, Duckman slips free of
the handcuffs, walks by a stunned King Chicken and Logan St.
Claire and picks up the condom.) EW! It's USED! (Throws it over
his shoulder, where it lands by Logan's feet.)
Logan: Eek! Gross! Get it away! Get it away! GROSS! (Logan runs around
screaming , Cornfed trips her sending her colliding into King
Chicken and through the portal, which closes.)
Cornfed: I had that all planned out.
Quinn: I'm not surprised.
(Duckman frees them all.)
Quinn: (Looking at the timer) Oh, boy! One second 'til we slide! (opens
wormhole)
Rembrandt: Thank GOD! Bye! (Rembrandt jumps through)
Ajax: Bye dod. (waves to Arturo)
Arturo: I'm not your dad! He is! (Points to Duckman)
Ajax: I knew I've seen him before!
Arturo: Blistering idiot. (Arturo jumps through)
Wade & Quinn: Bye.
All: BYE! (Duckman and Bernice grab Wade and Quinn's butts. Wade and Quinn
shudder and leap through. The portal closes.)
Bernice: I wonder if we'll see them again?
Mambo: Only if Universal gets desperate!
*****************************************
(The portal opens in the middle of a mall in front of a cookie stand.)
Brodie: Now what the hell is THIS shit?
Jay: Yeah, badass, yeah! Snoochie Bootchies, slider nootchies!
Silent Bob:.............
Quinn: Oh no!
*****************************************
EPILOGUE 1
------------------
(A vortex opens dropping King Chicken in the middle of a group consisting
of a 'toon Capt. Hook, Dr. Frankenbeans, Long John Silver, a Hotel
Concierge, a Smog Creature and the 'real' Tim Curry.)
King Chicken: I'm going to like it here!
EPILOGUE 2
------------------
(A vortex opens dropping Logan off in a crappy apartment. She sees
numerous roaches.)
Rodney Roach: Hey Ralphie! This chick looks like a female Joe!
Ralph Roach: Yeah, hubba, hubba!
(Logan sees a picture of Joe and screams.)
****************************************
Narrator: Scenes from the the next Sliders! The Sliders/Mallats crossover!
---------------------
(Arturo is looking at the 3D art with Willem)
Arturo: Ah, a yacht!
Willem: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a yacht, it's a sailboat!
Arturo: You blistering idiot! A yacht is a sailboat!
(The two incredible Bulks collide!)
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Brodie: (To Quinn and Wade) Jesus Christ, man! It's so obvious you two
are retarded for each other! Now kiss for god's sakes!
--------------------
Rembrandt: I've got tears in my fro...
Olaf: BERZERKER!
Rembrandt: They're in my cocoa...
Olaf: BERZERKER!
--------------------
Wade: (running up to Quinn) That guy wants to (BLEEP!) me in a very
uncomfortable place!
Quinn: What, like the back of a Volkswagon?
--------------------
Renee (To Quinn): Vern?
Quinn: Brenda?
Renee: (hitting Quinn) DICK!
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Trish the Dish: (to Quinn) How old are you?
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(Silent Bob lifts Arturo using the Jedi mind trick)
Jay: FLY, FATASS, FLY!
Narrator: From FOX and MIRIMAX! coming soon!