(Scene: Voyager Bridge)
Captain Janeway: Captain's log stardate 53001.1. After our brief stint in the alternate-reality universe in which we played out perverted versions of our roles on a ship called the USS VOYEUR (pfft! what a stupid name for a ship!) we have now returned to reality.

Ensign Kim: Captain! I'm picking up a huge ship 600,000 kilometers off the port bow!

Janeway: Put it on screen.

(A ship appears. It looks somewhat like a skyscraper that has been turned on its side and painted red with a hydro ramscoop on one end.)

Janeway: Life signs?

Lt. Commander Tuvok: I'm picking up one human... and one humanoid life-form of unidentified origin.

Ensign Paris: On that big a ship, there's only two people?

Janeway: Yes, that does seem odd. Perhaps it is an automated ship. What I'm interested in is what that human is doing out here. Open hailing frequencies.

(An extremely grungy-looking man appears on the screen, and there is another, cleaner, man behind him with a metallic marking on his forehead. Also there is a strange catlike humanoid and an android.)

Janeway: I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Greetings; we come in peace.

Grungy man: Whoa! Humans! Someone's come to rescue us! Who's that hot babe back there?

Seven of Nine: Am I the "hot babe" to whom you are referring? Is that a compliment?

Grungy man: (whistles) Yeah, it is!

Janeway: People! Let's get back to protocol here.

Grungy man: Protocol? Oh, yeah, I forgot to introduce myself, heh heh. I'm ... uh... Captain... Dave Lister of the Terran Mining Ship Red Dwarf.

Clean man: Hey! It's my turn to be captain!

Lister: Shut up, Rimmer!

Catlike creature: Aren't you going to introduce me?

Lister: Oh yes, this is our extremely *tetchy* Cat here...

Android: Excuse me, Mr. Dave, sir...

Lister: All right, Kryten! I was just getting to you! Here's our also tetchy android Kryten... And of course don't forget Holly the computer.

Holly: Hi.

Lister: And that's my crew.

Rimmer, Cat, Holly, and Kryten: WE'RE NOT "YOUR" CREW!!!

Lister: Sorry.

Janeway: So how did you come to be stranded here in the Delta Quadrant?

Rimmer: Delta Quadrant? What's that?

Janeway: The opposite side of the galaxy from Earth.

Lister: We're in the galaxy?! I thought we were three million light-years away.

Holly: Actually...

Lister and Rimmer: What? What?

Holly: I didn't tell you earlier, but we've only been gone for 300 years, not 3 million.

Lister and Rimmer: WHAT?!?

Holly: Yes, it's a scientifically proven fact that time passes more slowly when the ship's computer is bored.

Cat: But then where'd I come from?

Holly: I haven't worked out that part of the theory yet.

Kim: What's all this about 3 million years and the Cat?

Holly, Rimmer, Lister, and the Cat:  It's a long story.

Kim: Captain! I'm picking up a distress signal from an unidentified ship 0.2 light-years away.

Janeway: Sorry, but we've got to go. Why don't you follow us? Your ship is slower, but you'll eventually catch up.
 

(Scene: Alien Ship, a few minutes before)

Sub-Lieutenant Fydo: The Kittikitti ship is firing on us!

Commander Rexx: Shields down to 23 percent!

Captain CheeChee: Send out a distress signal!
 

(Scene: Voyager Bridge)

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We received your distress call. Who are you and what assistance do you require?

CheeChee: Captain CheeChee of the (bang) Dogoronian scoutship (zap) HydrantFinder. We're under fire (zzt) from a (zzt) Kittikitti warship (boom) Please help us ---

(CheeChee's face disappears from screen, to be replaced with that of a menacing feline alien)

Feline alien: If you help these dogsss, we will dessstroy you! Grrr!

(Screen goes blank)

Kim: Captain, a small craft is approaching.

Janeway: Identify, Mr. Tuvok?

Tuvok: The quantum signatures identify the craft as a shuttle of the Red Dwarf.

Kim: The shuttle is opening fire on the Dogoronian ship!
 

(Scene: Starbug)

Cat (sipping from plastic tube): Hahaha! Those crazy mutts are going to DIE!!! Now why in the hell are there only two light ion pulsers on this ship? ... Mmm, I love mango juice.

Rimmer (on screen): Cat! I order you to immediately return to Red Dwarf by Space Corps Directive 5592: "No crew member may launch a shuttle without the express orders of the captain or ranking officer."

Cat: Do I look like a phase-shifted Xentarii eunuch-slave to you? Besides, I spit on your Space Corps Directives! My first priority is to wipe out these canine infidels!

Rimmer (on screen): Then by Space Corps Directive 23, you're about to become dog food. Mr. Lister, engage maximum speed and charge the forward ion pulsers.

Lister (off to side of screen): Just wait till it's my turn to be captain!
 

(Scene: Voyager Bridge)

Kim: The Red Dwarf is approaching its shuttle.

Tuvok: Incoming transmission from the HydrantFinder.

Janeway: On screen.

CheeChee: Help us now! (boom) We're almost dead! (shebang) Now we're under attack from (fzzt) two ships! (weemawep) Yo quiero taco bell! (ramalamadingdong) Please!!!

Cmdr. Chakotay: What did he say? It almost sounded like the ancient spirits were calling me to eat tacos?!

Janeway: Just a momentary translator failure. Nothing to worry about.

Chakotay: Okay. I think we should help the Dogoronians.

Janeway: I agree. Open a channel to the Kittikitti warship.

Kim: Channel open.

Menacing feline alien: What do you want? Have you come to announce your sssurrrenderrr?

Janeway: No, in fact if you don't cease your attack on the HydrantFinder then we will be forced to open fire on you.

Feline alien: Do your bessst! You will only die!

Janeway: Charge all phaser banks and torpedo tubes and fire on my command!

Tuvok: Aye, Captain.

Janeway: Fire!
 

(Scene: Starbug)

Cat: Die die die, you little puppies - What's this?! Rimmer's firing on me?! Aaagh! No deflectors! There's a nice planet over there - How do you operate the emergency landing sequence?! ... I'll get one last sip of juice before I die...
 

(Scene: Voyager Bridge)

Kim: We're receiving a weak audio transmission from a class L planet!

Janeway: Put it on.

Robotic voice: This is the automated distress signal from the Terran Shuttle Starbug 006. All the crew are unconscious. Please rescue them if possible. End signal.

Janeway: Commander Chakotay, have the Doctor and Lieutenant Torres beam down to the Starbug on a rescue mission.

Paris: Those guys from the Red Dwarf didn't seem like anybody worth rescuing.

Janeway: Insubordination on a starship... Do it, Chakotay. Tuvok, maintain assault on the Kittikitti warship.

Tuvok: Yes, Captain, but may I remind you that our engines are dead and we're 3,000 kilometers out of transport range. I suggest you use a shuttle.

Janeway: I'm well aware of that concern, but a shuttle would be too vulnerable in the heat of battle. We'll take the small risk of over-transport. It's only a short distance.

(Scene: Crashed Starbug)

Doctor (scanning): Life signs... hello, any life signs...

Torres: Here! In the bridge!

Doctor: Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Torres: Come on, just help this guy while I work on the engines! (leaves for engine room)

Doctor: All right... (scanning) ... he's in a heavy coma, twenty cracked ribs - Hey! No known humanoid species has more than sixteen ribs! (takes off Cat's shirt) Not to mention six nipples... What's this tube here? Juice??? (removes tube from Cat's mouth, gives Cat a hypospray)

Cat: ugggh... Who the hell are you?!

Doctor: There's no need to be upset. I'm here to help you.

(Cat swings at Doctor)

Cat: What the - I can't - My fist -

Doctor: I'm a hologram.

Cat: But Rimmer told me the Dwarf can only support one hologram...

Doctor: Whatever this "Dwarf" is, I know nothing of it. I wish the captain would tell me more about the situation... Anyway, I just found you lying shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh mango juice, and if you'd been in that condition any longer your bladder would have burst.

Cat: And that would have been real bad for my slacks!

Doctor: Whatever...

(Scene: Space)

(The Voyager and the Kittikitti warship duke it out while the HydrantFinder hovers off to the side to avoid getting hit. Finally one of the Voyager's torpedoes delivers a critical hit to the Kittikitti ship...)

(Scene: Voyager Bridge)

Kittikitti Captain (on screen): You've dessstroyed our pulssson capacitors! We cannot fire our weaponsss! But we ssstill will not sssurrender! (screen blanks)

(Scene: Space)

(The Kittikitti warship goes up in an enormous blue fireball. The Voyager is rocked by the blast.)

(Scene: Voyager Bridge)

Kim: The enemy ship self-destructed!

Tuvok: Hull damage on decks 3,5, and 6!

Kim: The Dogoronian ship is still there.

Janeway: Hail them and offer them whatever help they need repairing their ship.

Kim: Aye, Captain.

(Scene: Mess hall)

Neelix: So, everybody, how'd today's adventure go?

Torres: Exhausting! My repair teams had to fix TWO broken ships today, and neither of them was even a Federation design!

Neelix: I bet!

Paris: Say, Neelix, you ought to meet some of those guys from the Dwarf. They seem quite your type...

(Scene: Red Dwarf Bridge)

Rimmer: Mr. Cat, as the commanding officer of this ship, I assign you thirty demerits for your unseemly behavior. You are assigned to bathroom duty for the next eight months.

Kryten: But sir! That's my job!

Rimmer: Shut up, you bucket of bolts. You can unclog the plasma tanks if you want, but the Cat's doing the bathrooms.

Kryten: But I like bathrooms better...

--------------------------------------------
IT'S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE ISN'T AN ATMOSPHERE
to explore strange new worlds
I WANT TO FLY FAR AWAY FROM HERE
to seek out new life and new civilizations
DRINKING FRESH MANGO JUICE
to boldly go where no one has gone before
FUN FUN FUN IN THE SUN SUN SUN!