Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Episode- 8.01 "Experiments".
Cast (in order of appearance)
Brent Spiner: Lieutenant-Commander Data.
Patrick Stewart: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Michael Dorn: Lieutenant Worf
Johnathan Frakes: Commander William T Riker
Gates McFadden: Lieutenant-Commander Beverly Crusher MD
John Rhys Davis: Proffesser Maximillian Arturo
Cleavant Derricks: Rembrant Brown
Sabrina Lloyd: Wade Wells
Jerry O'Connell: Quinn Mallory
Marina Sirtis: Lieutenant-Commander Deanna Troi
Kristen Cloke: Security Crewman Vansen
Majel Barrett: Computer Voice
Bill Paxton: Security Crewman Hudson
Joel de la Funte: Security Crewman Wang
Patty Yasutake: Ensign Ogawa.
Scott Backula: Dr Samual Beckett
Dean Stockwell: Admiral Albert Calavicci
Gillian Anderson: Lieutenant Replacement
Levar Burton: Lieutenant-Commander Geordi la Forge
Dwight Schultz: Junior Grade Lieutenant Reginald Barclay
Ade Edmondson: Security Crewman Eddie Hitler
Rik Mayall: Security Crewman Richard Richard
Whoopi Goldberg: Guinan
The United Federation of Planets flagship, the USS Enterprise is on one of those seemigly boring missions. Today they are taking medical supplies to Something'or'other 3. But something strange is bout to happen.
(Ship in space)
PICARD: (VOICE OVER) Captain's log, stardate 65744.2. The enterprise has been sent to the struggling world of Something'or'other 3, where a plague has broken out. Our superior Federation knowelege means that we can cure this plaque, so here we are.
(Bridge)
DATA: Captian, we are now in orbit around Something'or'other 3.
PICARD: Open a channel Mr.Worf.
(beepy Beep)
WORF: CHANNEL OPEN!
RIKER: Red alert, shields up!
PICARD: What in the blazes is going on Number one?
RIKER: We're under phazer fire! Can't you hear it?
PICARD: That's not phazer fire, Will. That's Worf's booming Klingon voice.
RIKER: Oh... I knew that, it was a...umm a drill! Computer! Cancel red alert, lower shields. Riker to Dr. Crusher, proceed with the operations on the planet.
BEVERLY: I'm on my way.
Picard mumbles something like "It's my fucking ship"
PICARD: Picard to Crusher.
BEVERLY: Here.
PICARD: Do as Commander Riker instructed.
BEVERLY: O.k?
(Titles, ship in space. In the quarters allocated to Crewman Insignificant a dimensional gateway opens, a 20 year old student falls out, followed by a similar looking girl, a 70's soul star and a large physics Proffessor.)
ARTURO: Mr. Brown! I would appriciate it if you did not boot me in the groin every bloody time we slide.
REMBRANT: Heh, sorry proffessor. But you're so large I can't help it.
WADE: Cool it you guys! You OK Quinn?
QUINN: Fine thanks. But this doesn't look like San Fransisco; SHIT!!!!!! Look out the window, we're on a spaceship.
ARTURO: It would appear, Mr. Mallory, that your "Einstein-Rosen-Podowski Bridge Experiment" has turned into a time machine.
REMBRANT: How long we on this world, eh Cue Ball?
QUINN: (under breath) Call me that again and I'll feed you so much fist you will be the "Cryin' Man"! (normal volume) A couple of hours.
ARTURO: Then I suggest we stay here and adopt a policy of laissez-faire.
REMBRANT: Hey, I'm with you Proffessor.
(Back on the bridge a red light begins to flash on Worf's console; he smiles and strokes his phazer)
WORF: Captain, I have a positive intuder alert on deck 5, section Omega-Potato; four humans. Can I go and kill them with my bat'left?
TROI: I don't think you should let him do that, Sir. All I sense from him is blind rage.
RIKER: I agree Captain.
PICARD: Worf, take a security team down there. BUT! No bat'lefts, and only use force to defend yourself.
(Worf hits comm-badge, bruises his chest; stifes a wimper)
WORF: Security to Deck 5, Section Omega-potato!
(The security team meet Worf outside Crewman Insignificant's quarters)
WORF: Set phazers to level ten, we enter on three...
VANSEN: But Sir, a "Galaxy Class Star Ship Security Team" need the authorisation of the Captain to set a phazer over heavy stun.
WORF: Grumble... hfkhkkfhkg...(beepy beep) Worf to Picard; can I set the pha-
PICARD: NO!
WORF: Worf out.
(Worf steps to door, it doesn't open.)
WORF: Computer! Run a level three diagnostic on this door.
COMPUTER: (Clickety click, beep, whir) The door to Crewman Insignificant's quarters has a malfunction in the opening mechansism; Junior Class Lieutenant Reginald Barcly has been assigned for repairs.
WORF: Computer! Locate Lieutenant Barcly!
COMPUTER: Junior Class Lieutenant Reginald Barcly is locted in Holodeck Two, program Barcly four is running.
WORF: FUCK IT!
(Worf boots the door open, both pieces fly into the room; knocking out Arturo.)
HUDSON: Medical team to deck five, section omega-potato.
(Wade faints at the sight of Worf.)
WORF: Nobody move! You, (aims phazer at quinn) PUT DOWN THE WEAPON!
QUINN: But it's...
(Worf fires the phazer over Quinn's shoulder, he puts down the timer.)
WORF: Who are you people? Are you members of the Marquis or the Dominon?
REMBRANT: Heh, man. Never fear, cos' the Cryin' Man Rembrant Brown is here. That's me. The man you knocked out is Maximillian Arturo, that's Wade Wells and Cue ball...ahem...Quinn Mallory.
WORF: You are charged with boarding a Federation Starship without authorisation! Move it!
(Worf picks up Arturo in one hand and Wade in the other without a problem; the security team escort Rembrant and Quinn to the Brig.)
(Ship in Space- Voice over)
PICARD: Captain's Log Supplamental. The operations on the surface are continuing as normal but an unexpected occurance has occurred. Shit! I sound like a moron, if there wasn't a standing order I'd delete this and start again. Three men and a woman somehow boarded the ship in Crewman Insignificant's quarters. Lieutenant Worf has placed them in the brig and I will visit them shortly. Other items in the past two hours were a bomb scare in the school on deck 14, section alpha-pretsil, which turned out to be a stage prop which looked like a bomb for the school play. Also the replicator in my ready room refuses to serve Pina Colada.
(Brig.)
QUINN: Wait! Can I talk to the person in charge? I can explain everything.
VANSEN: The Captain will see you shortly.
WANG: You'll have plenty of time to cook up a story; ha, ha, ha.
REMBRANT: To think... man oh man, the "Cryin' Man Rembrant Brown" in a futuristic jail cell.
QUINN: Will you drop the Cryin' Man bullshit! The Spinning Tops are dead; there's no magic comeback!
REMBRANT: What about the world where I was king? Eh, Cue Ball?
QUINN: A one in infinity chance!
REMBRANT: Oh.
(Arturo and Wade wake up.)
ARTURO: Mr. Mallory! What in the blazes happened?
WADE: I saw a monster!
QUINN: No, it was a policeman. It seems like this space ship we're on has humans and aliens working together.
ARTURO: This also supports the thoery that extra-terrestrial life will evolve into a life form with two arms and legs, a body and a head.
QUINN: The Captain of the ship is coming to see us.
WADE: I hope he's human.
(Picard and Data enter.)
PICARD: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the United Federation of Planets Ship U.S.S Enterprise. Now how did you get on to my ship?
QUINN: What I am about to tell you may sound strange, but here me out. We're inter-dimensional travellers. I conducted an experiment to cross the "Einstien-Rosen-Podowski Bridge", a dimensional gateway. The three of us travelled to an alternate Earth, but there was a power overload and Rembrant came along with us.
ARTURO: Since then we have been sliding between worlds, in 1996 San Fransisco. But the gateway has never altered the space or time of the world.
WADE: Until now. Please Mr. Picard, let us out, we didn't mean to tresspass on your ship.
PICARD: Data?
DATA: Theoretically it is possible, Captain. Mr. Mallory, might you show me the mathematics of your work please?
QUINN: I'd be happy to. Are you O.K? You look kinda pale.
DATA: I am an Android. One of two built by Dr. Noonian Soong, the formost mind in the field of cybernetics, my-
PICARD: Data!!!!!
DATA: Sorry, Sir.
ARTURO: Fascinating.
PICARD: Data, take Quinn down to engineering, find out what's what.
DATA: Aye, Sir.
(Data opens force field, and Quinn gets out.)
REMBRANT: There's one more thing. The weapon your alien took from Quinn; it's a timer. It tells us how long we have on each world.
(Picard picks it up.)
PICARD: If you're right then you have two hours.
WADE: Take care Quinn.
QUINN: I will.
(Data, with timer, Quinn and Picard leave.)
(Sick Bay.)
SOMETHING'OR'OTHERIAN: (On bed) Please help me! The... the pain...faggotts...ahhhh! I hate them... nooo!
OGAWA: Calm down, here; this will ease the pain. (hypospray)
BEVERLY: (touches Comm-badge) I've finished the operations on the surface Will. Four Something'or'otherians have been transported to Sick Bay with "Mr. Brains Faggots In a Western Style Sauce Syndrome". My team is now aboard.
RIKER: (over comm-system) Acknowledged. Riker out.
Bridge.
RIKER: Mr. Crusher, prepare to break orbit.
(Sam Beckett, after completing his previous leap, leaps into Wesley. Two seconds of Quantum Leap titles.)
RIKER: Ensign Crusher, break orbit and set course for starbase 28. Ensign? Wesley?
(Sam looks at Riker and relises that he is Ensign Wesley Crusher, and he is supposed to be doing something.)
SAM: Oh boy!
RIKER: What was that, Ensign?
SAM: Ummm... nothing Sir, could you repeat your order please?
RIKER: Break orbit and set course for starbase 28.
Sam looks at the console in front of him, he sees a button marked 'automated orbit disengauger' and pushes it.
SAM: Leaving orbit sir.
RIKER: Good.
(All through this Deanna has been looking at Sam strangely.)
DEANNA: Commander, can I talk to you in the ready room?
RIKER: Sure, anything you want Deanna.
(Riker follows her curves into the ready room. Suddenly a white, 2d rectangle appears in front of the viewscreen, only Sam can see it. The holographic progection of Al Calavicci steps through the portal, he presses the handlink and the portal closes, a cigar in his other hand. He looks around the bridge and then finds Wesley.)
AL: Hi sam, how ya doin'?
SAM: Fine Al. How do you think I feel? Where the hell have you been, I had to break an orbit or something! This isn't exactly 1950s Kansas is it?
AL: ok, your name is Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher and it's February 12th... umm...
SAM: What? TELL ME!
AL: 2382.
SAM: 2382! i'm only supposed to travel between 1952 and 1999!
(Sam looks around the bridge, the Lieutenant at ops is looking at him.)
REPLACEMENT: Are you talking to me Ensign Crusher?
SAM: No, I'm just clearing my throught.
REPLACEMENT: No you wern't, you were talking to an imaginary friend wern't you?
SAM: Yes, don't tell anyone please.
REPLACEMENT: Sure, I knew there was a scientific explanation fo it.
SAM: What's so scientific about talking to a holo- ahem, yourself?
REPLACEMENT: I mean there's no unexplained phenomenon at work, controlling you. Believe me, I've seen some paranormal things, my previous assignment was at the Federation Bureau of Investigation.
(She goes back to her job.)
AL: Get somwhere we can talk safely, i'll be back.
(Al leaves. Ready room.)
DEANNA: Will, I don't know what happened but that's not Wesley.
RIKER: What do you mean? I know he's acting a little strangley but that's Wesley.
DEANNA: I'll bet you two chocolate sundeas I'm right.
RIKER: I'll wager a pie and my trombone that you're wrong.
DEANNA: Listen to me! Me can't evan set course for starbase 28!
RIKER: So? Neither can you!
DEANNA: But I never worked at the helm before, i'm ships counselor- REMEMBER!
RIKER: OH yeah, well i'll conf-
Picard enters.
PICARD: Oi! This is my ready room!
RIKER: Standing order 4b, section 2, paragraph 1:- The officer in permenant or temporary command of any Federation installation or ship has complete use of the Captain's ready room during the time in command.
PICARD: Just testing, well, I've got the conn back now.
RIKER: Aye, Sir. Buy the way wasn't it Q that made you Captain?
PICARD: Yeah, so?
RIKER: It's just that I can't beieve you're captain, you're useless.
PICARD: What!?
RIKER: Useless, cud, crappy, boring, dumb, slow on the uptake. The kind of guy that only raises sheilds and returns fire when we've lost life support on deck 3! You're confined to quarters, you're just not good enough!
(Worf comes in and escorts Picard to the shuttlecraft bay by mistake and opens the airlock. Picard holds onto a ladder by making an anchor with his arm but his arm becomes severed and he is sucked out.)
(Bridge)
RIKER: Mr. Crusher, you are also confined to quarters.
SAM: Where's that?
RIKER: Counselor Troi will take you there.
(Sam watches as the strikingly sexy woman to the bearded guys left stands up. Her blue uniform hugs her body perfectly and because of the sheer size of her breasts her comm-badge is horizontal. Sam gets up and follows her to the lift)
RIKER: Works every time...
(Ship in space)
RIKER: (VOICE OVER) Acting Captain William T Riker's log. We've spoken to the intruders who claim to be inter-dimensional travellers from Earth, not that i beleive it. Another strange thing is that Wesley is not behaving normally so i have confined him to quarters. There is also a new Lieutenant at ops to challenge Deanna and Beverly for this weeks 'Best Looking Female Commisioned Officer on the Ship Award'; although Ensign Earthenwarejugs from cargo bay admin is in good form this week. Captain Picard has gone missing, so i'm in charge. YEAH!)
(In engineering Quinn has finished describing the maths of his theory to geordi and Data)
LA FORGE: It's more complicated than warp theory!
DATA: It would seem that Mr. Mallory's equations confirm that he is telling the truth.
QUINN: So you beleive me?
LA FORGE: Sure! But how did you get here rather than 1996 San Francisco?
QUINN: I don't know, somethin' must have happened on our last slide.
DATA: That hypothesis is creditable. However that is seemingly irrelevant as you only have 70 minutes and 12 seconds before you slide. That is insufficent time to formulate a theory on what has occured. I suggest you spend your time in Ten Forward or the holodeck. These are both recreational activities myself and the crew find stimulating.
LA FORGE: Data, hadn't you better release his friends from the brig?
DATA: Yes Geordi, Mr. Mallory, please come with me.
(In Wesley's quarters)
TROI: I know you're not Wesley.
SAM: What do you mean? Huh, of course i'm wesley!
TROI: I'm an empath, half Betazoid, i can sense emotions. I can feel that you're not wesley, and when i can prove it, i'm a gonna git ya!
SAM: Yeah, you do that!
(Troi leaves, Al comes back)
AL: Ooo, who was that?
SAM: Deanna Troi, ships counselor, i think.
AL: Mmmm, i could do with some conseling right now...
SAM: Knock it off Al! Where the hell have you been? Has Ziggi figured out what i'm supposed to do here yet?
AL: She reminds me of my 3rd wife, she has these... (Start computations on handlink) Well Sam, Ziggi says there's a 95.2% chance that your here to stop a Lieutenant Barclay from killing himself.
SAM: Anymore details, like who this guy is?
AL: well, all we know is that he's gonna kill himself today at 16:35.
SAM: How does he do it?
( Al reads stuff on the handlink and takes a drag on his cigar, blowing the smoke through Sam.
AL: he crawls into a jefferies tube and dives into a warp plasma conduit. And there's a problem, there are guards outside the door.
SAM: How do i get passed them?
AL: Figure it out, i'll be back later. Gushi! Centre me on Reg!
( Al materialises in turbolift 12, Reg is on his way from holodeck 2 back to engineering)
BARCLAY: Hmm, i think my programm needs more work. Deanna and Beverly are still wearing too many clothes, and Riker isn't short enough.
(his comm-badge goes off)
LA FORGE: La Forge to Barclay.
BARCLAY: Yes, Commander?
LA FORGE: Have you got out of the holodeck yet? You were supposed to fix Crewman Insignificant's door yesterday! Will you fucking get your act together, you loser!
BARCLAY: Sorry Commander, i havn't had much luck today, i feel like kill-
LA FORGE: Shut up! Reg, i've got to get warp/pastry efficiency up to 98.3% by 23:00 whilst helping Data with his laughing programme. If i don't he'll laugh like a genocidal maniac at Admiral Brackket's dinner!
BARCLAY: Aye, Sir. (feeble voice)
LA FORGE: Get your butt to deck 5! And when you're done there go to ten forward and fix replicator 23-kappa; and yes, i do give you all the menial tasks. La Forge out!
BARCLAY: I wish BA were here. We could make a tank out of a padd and Guinan's hat!
AL: Hang in there Reg!
(Ship in space)
(Brig)
REMBRANT: (singing) Then i'll learn to cry like a man! I've got tears in my throat; over youuuuuu!!
ARTURO: Mr. Brown , will you kindly stop singing that awful drivel.
REMBRABT: Heh Proffesser, this drivel got to number 32 in 1976!
WADE: Stop arguing you guys! I hope Quinn managed to persuade that robot we're telling the truth.
(Data and Quinn walk in)
WADE: Quinn!!!
(Wade runs to Quinn, she slamms into the brig-cell's force field and is repeled in a shower of blue sparks)
WADE: ARRRRGGHHH!!!
QUINN: Nooooo!!!
ARTURO: Miss. Wells, that was rather silly.
(Data de-activates the force fiels and exmines Wade)
DATA: Hmmm, compound fracture of the stirrup, third degree burns to the face and hands, internal bleeding, a ruptured spleen and aorta and a tastless pair of earrings.
QUINN: Will she be ok?
DATA: (uses this oppertuinity to testrun his white lie programme) I am sure she will be in optimum phyisical health imminantly. (beeby beep) Dr. Crusher to the brig.
BEVERLY: I'm a comin'.
QUINN: Proffesser, Rembrant, we have just under an hour until we slide. I'll meet you in ten forward then. I'll stay with wade.
REMBRANT: Okey dokey Cue Ball.
(Rembrant and Arturo leave for holodeck on deck 5, beverly comes and transports Quinn and Wade to sick bay. Data goes to the bridge)
(Bridge)
(Data enters and goes to ops, Replacement gets up)
RIKER: Excuse me, would you mind if i walked you to your quarters.
REPLACEMENT: No thanks, i'm fine.
RIKER: Oh! It's like that is it? You've been teamed up with me to spy on me. You report back to that Shadow group on DS2!
REPLACEMENT: that's not it at all. We're in this together, i just do my shifts at ops and engineering!
RIKER: Oh, sorry. You remind me of a 20th century fictional character.
REPLACEMENT: I get that a lot.
( she leaves )
( ship in space)
RIKER: (Voice over) Acting Captain William T Riker's log. I'd just thought i'd mention that Wade Wells has been injured and the 'sliders' will be leaving within the hour. unfortunatly Lieutenant Replacement has been relieved by Data; ooo, that sounds like a joke. I tried to follow her but Deanna stopped me.
(deck 5 )
BARCLAY: Right, computer; run a level 3 diagnostic of this door!
COMPUTER: The door to Crewman Insignificant's quarters is functioning within specifie parameters.
( Arturo and Rembrant round the corner, there are 10 minutes to the slide )
REMBRANT: Wowee! To think they'd have a spinning tops molodeck programme.
ARTURO: That's holodeck, you blistering idiot, and stop going on about- aaagggghhh!
( Barclay reaches back for a sonic beef modulator and trips Arturo up. The force of him falling on the floor damages the inertial dampners )
( On bridge. Science station two explodes, sending an extra flying over the tactical console.
RIKER: Computer! What happened?
COMPUTER: Unknown.
WORF: Auxillery power has been routed through kidney-conduit 4.
( Deck 5 )
ARTURO: You arrogant little man! Didn't you see us?
BARCLAY: I'm sorry, i'll just go to ten forward and kill myself.
REMBRANT: Heh man, that's where we're goin'. You can join us.
BARCLAY: that's kind of you, i'll have to pick up a phazer rifle from the security office on the way though. I need to end my crapola life.
ARTURO: Since i live by a policy of non-interfearance i won't stop you, just buy me a drink when we get there.
( Wade has been released from sickbay in anti-grav wheelchair, Quinn pushes her into the turbo lift )
QUINN: Ten Forward!
( in wesley crusher's quarter's Al materialises )
AL: SAM! Something's happened! Reg is gonna kill himself in five minutes, and take everyone in ten forward with him!
SAM: I'd better get out of here.
( Sam walks out the quarters and up to one of the guards)
SAM: Excuse me Crewman, your shoes are untied.
EDDIE: Oh thanks a lot, I'm too drunk to focus, could you tug on my cords?
RICHIE: I beg your pardon!
EDDIE: Tie my shoelaces up.
RICHIE: Oh i see, ah ha ha ha har, alright.
( Sam races down the corridor to the turbo lift. )
SAM: Ten Forward!
( In the corridor )
AL: Gushi! Centre me on Reg!!
( Ship In Space)
( Al materialises outside the door to ten forward. Reg, Arturo and Rembrant come round the corner; Reg is holstering a huge phazor rifle, set to kill. Quinn an dWade are already at the bar, drinking. They enter )
REMBRANT: Heh girl, how are ya?
WADE: Ruhh?
QUINN: Dr. Crusher says her speech and bowel control will return in a week.
REMBRANT: Oh, i wondered what smelled...
ARTURO: Lieutenant Barclay, if you would get me a scotch we'll call it quits.
AL: Oh NO!
BARCLAY: No, it's quits for all of you! Ha, hah! This rifle is 125% improved, at this level it will cut through that window, killing me and everyone else!
( Reg waves the rifle around the room and people scream as it points over them. Except the security team who leap up. They grab civillians as sheilds and aim at Barclay )
VANSEN: Not if we have something to do with it!
HUDSON: ( panicing ) You want some of this, oh come on then you too...
BARCLAY: Computer! Execute command Barclay 2b pastrami!
( force fields enclose on the security team, disabling them. But the force field boxes arn't big enough for the hostages who are chopped in half. )
AL: Don't do it reg! Come on Sam, hurry up!
( Sam runs into the room)
SAM: Put down the gun!
BARCLAY: Only if i get to die and Guinan takes off that hat.
GUINAN: No way!
AL: Tell him he'll make Captain if he lives.
SAM: Reg, you'll make Captain if you stop this!
BARCLAY: After holding 30 people hostage? No, no. What do you care Crusher, huh? All you ever did was call me Brocilli!
QUINN: We have to go!
( Quinn opens the gateway using the timer )
QUINN: Sixty seconds!
( Rembrant and Arturo jump in, Quinn pushes Wade in. Reg swings round and aims at the window. )
EVERYONE: Ahhhhhhh!!!
AL: Stop him Sam!
( Sam tackles Reg, the phazor blast is directed into the vortex instead. Quinn jumps in, Sam and Reg are sucked in too. With Sam's job done he leaps out of Wesley and into one of the Sliders producers two days before they force John Rhys Davies to leave. Al goes back to the imaging chamber. Unfortunatly the extra energy of two more sliders, a level ten pahzor blast and Sam's leap causes the vortex to overload and the entire universe is destroyed in an instant. This doesn't bother anyone because they had no time to think about it, except God. Who seeing his hard work going down the drain saves the universe at the last minute. And makes sure Quinn is the last out of the vortex after a pause. )
RICHIE: Heh! You're wearing slipons!
EDDIE: Oh yeah, heh, where'd he go.
Fini.