"Fire Drill"
by Matthew Troyer
Captain-Adam Brinkman
First Officer-Commander Gama, Vulcan
Engineer-Commander Matt Troyer
Ops-Lieutenant Commander Jospeh Amano
Security-Lieutenant Ario Bridges, Heran
[genetically improved human]
Just is there-Commander Drew Kamler
Helm-Ensign Elizabeth Waltner
Doctor-Lauren Gardner
There are other characters which I did not use in my story.
Look at Star Trek Continental: Crew, on one of the previous
pages. By the way, I am Mysterio.
Now let me take the time to explain my rating system for my
stories.
S-Stupidity
N-Unnecesary reading
A-Adolescent Stupidity
V-unrealistic portrayal of women {and men}
L-Language barriers
T-Time travel
P-Explicit use of pies {not very common}
Y-Explicit use of yams {more common then you would think}
G-Really stupid guest stars
This parody contains: (S,N,A,V,T,G)
On the bridge
Brinkman: {shipwide communication} "All hands listen, I
repeat, all hands listen."
Gama: "Captain, my hands, as does the rest of the crew,
do not contain ears. I recommend that you address
this to the ears of the crewmembers, as then there
will be no loophole for them not to listen."
Brinkman: "Gee, thanks Gama. I really appreciate that. Can
I talk now?"
Gama: "Of course."
Brinkman: "All ears listen." {pauses and glares at Gama} "I
repeat, all ears listen. This is a fire drill.
Please go to your designated spots and pretend to
die heroicly. Remember, there will be judges
roaming the decks, rating you on your abilities,
and don't forget that this is for your
promotions."
Waltner: "This ship sure is a lot different that the paper
airplanes I used to fly back home in the hills."
Brinkman: "I thought you were an experienced pilot."
Waltner: "Of course not. I'm just a squigi girl. All I
was hired to do was to clean windows."
Brinkman: "What happened to the real helmsmen?"
Waltner: "You forgot him at the last bathroom stop."
Brinkman: "Oh yeah, if you get stuck in the toilet, it's not
my problem."
Gama: "That is illogical thinking Captain. Exactly what
I've come to expect from you, though."
Brinkman: "Of course it is. Are you gonna go judge or do I
have to fry you with my inverse tachyon
accelerator?"
Gama: "Captain. Please. Don't try to think. It hurts
to much."
Troyer: "Troyer to the bridge."
Bridges: "Bridges here."
Troyer: "You geek. Not Bridges, I want the bridge. Like
the Captain."
Brinkman: "This is the Captain."
Troyer: "Yes, yes, of course it is. Who gave you
permission to have a fire drill?"
Brinkman: "I'm the Captain, stupid. I-"
Troyer: "On paper only. Don't forget. I may only be the
engineer, but everyone likes me better, so you can
only do what I want and what I tell you or
everyone will mutiny because I'm so much more
popular."
Brinkman: "How could it have slipped my mind? {with
sincerity} Please forgive me."
Gama: "Commander Troyer. You cannot control a ship as a
power behind the throne. That is illogical."
Troyer: {confrotational} "Come down to engineering. I'll
show you illogical."
Gama: "Very well."
Brinkman: "Gama, please judge some people while you head
down there. They can only be heroic for so long.
Gama: {no answer, just leaves}
Amano: "Captain, there is a huge temporal anamoly off all
our bows and we are about into it."
Brinkman: "Captain to Troyer."
Troyer: (sounds of fighting) "What?"
Brinkman: "There is a huge temporal anomaly surrounding
us, what do you want me to do?"
Troyer: "Fly at it at top warp speed and fire an inverse
tachyon pulse at it. That always works in the
show."
Brinkman: "Uh...ok. You heard the man. Fly at at
maximum warp at hit with an inverse tachyon beam."
Amano: "No seconds to impact." (Loud explosions and
lots of sparks) "We're clear of the temporal anamaly.
Analomay. Anomoloy. Anamolet. Omelette. Cheese
Omelette. Grilled Cheese. Grilled Chicken. Yum,
grilled chicken sounds good right now, don't you
think."
Brinkman: "No, shut up. Hey Drew, you alright over there?"
Kamler: "I think I'm dead."
Brinkman: "Shoot, get a medical team up here at once. We
have a death. Maybe they can stop it." (enter
Troyer. He stares openmouthed after hearing that
sentence)
Troyer: "Uh...no...but hey...what ever makes you happy. I
did the Vulcan nerve pinch to Gama. He'll be up
in a little. Oh, by the way in engineering during
that little burst of happy crap all the women from
previous Star Trek Series and a chap who calls
himself Bond...James Bond, all magically
appeared."
Big Party in Conference Room to Celebrate the New Arrivals
Jadzia: "Hi, I'm Dax."
Esri: "You are not, I'm Dax."
Jadzia: "So you're that little weenie that took over my
spot on Deep Space Nine. You're worthless."
7 of 9: "I like wearing high heels. It makes me feel good
about myself.
Troi: "That signifies a deep underlying fear of not
being accepted. I believe it has to do with you
being Borg. Perhaps I can counsel you."
7 of 9: "I do not require counseling."
Troi: That's what Hitler said. Look what happened to
him."
7 of 9: "I am not racist. I am Borg."
Troi: "Brog Smorg. You need help and I am perfect for
that job. Come with me."
7 of 9: "Very well. Be glad that I can no longer
assimilate individuals into the collective. I
would get an unearthly satisfaction from yours."
Kira: "I'm a terrorist. There is a bomb in this room.
No one leave." (everyone stops and stares, then
returns to previous busniess as if nothing
happened)
Torres: "I AM PSYCHO!!!"
Uhura: "Quiet, I think I am picking up a distress call."
(all women are now quietly engaged in
conversation waiting for the Captain to come)
Bond: (walks to Jadzia) "Bond, James Bond."
Jadzia: "Hey you're kind of sexy."
Bond: "Of course I am. You look like a very dangerous
lady. I think I need to frisk you."
Jadzia: "I think you do to. Or maybe a strip search."
Bond: "Let's go somewhere private."
Jadzia: "I think I know a good place where you can check
me over from top to bottom."
Bond: "I agree. Please march to the place and you and I
will proceed." (Bond and Jadzia exit)
Bridges: "Thirty-five seconds."
Amano: "I believe you owe me forty dollars."
Bridges: "No way I thought he go that fast."
Brinkman: "I would like to welcome you all to the
Continental. Land of the Free and Home of the
Brave."
Crusher: "EEEK, it's a spider!!!"
Bridges: "Bridges to security. Send extermination squad
to the party."
Kira: "Women. Scared of anything."
Janeway: "You are one."
Kira: "That's not my point. They always scream or
squawk at the sight of anything slimy."
Janeway: "How true. There aren't enough of us take
charge kind of women out there."
Kira: "Men only like the ditzy girls so wesmart ones
can't reproduce. So we all die lonely in some
forsaken place nine thousand mile from the nearest
shower."
Janeway: "Dang it, we don't have to take this anymore."
Kira: "You go girl."
Janeway: "We have a right to men to. We should get
first pick of the men, not the losers."
Kira: "Amen."
Janeway: "The next guy that comes in, we are going off
to some obscure corner and he can treat me like a
real woman." {enter Gama} "Come with me right now
and we are going to have sex."
Gama: "I am Vulcan. Sex is irrelevent." {exit Gama}
Janeway: {walks sheepishly back to Kira} "It was a
Vulcan."
Kira: "Ouch. That stings."
Janeway: "I'll just go over to that security guard
over there. He'll do fine." {walks over} "Come with me,
you're going treat me like a lady."
Bridges: "Alright. Let me tell the Captain and we can
go to my quarters. Captain, she wants to be
treated like a lady." {winks}
Brinkman: You are excused." {winks back}
Bridges: "Let's go. Now."
Janeway: {gives thumbs up.} {enter Bond and Jadzia}
Bond: "I'm glad to see you were as dangerous as I
thought. I think I taught you a lesson or two."
Jadzia: I've got over three hundred years of
experience. I'd like to think I taught you something."
Bond: "I'll see you around." {heads over to Troi
and Seven, who are back now} "Excuse me,
Ms..."
Troi: "Troi, Deanna Troi. You're handsome."
Bond: "Of course I am. I hear you're a shrink?"
Troi: "Yes."
Bond: "I think I need some counseling, up close and
personal."
Troi: "I agree. Come with me."
7 of 9: "Fascinating. Can I come also?"
Bond: "Sure, the more the merrier." {exit all}
Bridges Quarters
Bridges: "What's taking you so long? It's not that
difficult to cook a hamburger. And get me
something to drink."
Janeway: "This wasn't what I meant when I said I
wanted to be treated like a lady."
Bridges: "Who said you could talk? Get back to work."
On the Bridge
Gama: "Please turn down the polka music, Ms..., I have
never seen you before. State your name and
rank."
Girl: "I am Ensign Ro. Put your hands on you
head. I am capturing this vessel for the Maquis."
Gama: "Please wait a moment while a warn the Captain."
Ro: "Of course."
Gama: "Gama to Brinkman."
Brinkman: "Brinkman here."
Gama: "The ship has been taken over by Maquis rebels."
Brinkman: "It's about time they attempted a takeover of
this vessel. I'm almost tempted to come up their and
give those stupid Maquis the talking to of their
life. My hands are tied though. Tell Troyer."
Gama: "Of course, Captain." {turns to Ro} "I'm sorry.
This is taking longer than I thought it would.
Let me call one more person."
Ro: "Take all the time you want. I'm in no hurry."
Gama: "Troyer to the bridge."
Troyer: "On my way."
Gama: "Now then, what did you require me to do?"
Ro: "Put your hands on your head."
Gama: "Ah, yes, of course." {enter Troyer and Bond}
Troyer: "Mr. Bond here told me he was an expert hostage
negotiator. So he is here to negotiate for our
freedom, and when that fails, will think up of
some brilliant idea to escape, killing all the
terrorists without them even knowing what
happened. Of course, most of the ship will be
destroyed, too."
Bond: "Oh, good, it's a woman. I'm especially good with
women."
Ro: "I'm not interested in your advances, Mr...,"
Bond: "Bond, James Bond."
Ro: "If I said my name like that, I would sound like a
boat. You know Ro, Ro Ro. I don't remember what
my other name is it has been so long."
Bond: "You are a humorist. I like a woman with a sense
of humor."
Ro: "Of course you do. I know all about your reputation.
Bond: "I am not one giant hormone like some people
accuse me. And no, I am not still in puberty. I
can restrain myself. But with someone as
beautiful as yourself, it's almost impossible."
Ro: "Fine. Whoever is the least tired wins. If I
win, I keep the ship. If you win, I surrender."
Bond: "Sounds good. Come this way." {both leave}
Troyer: "I told Gama, this guy is good."
Part 2
Back at the Party
Brinkman: "Everyone, please listen."
Kamler: "Yeah, right."
Brinkman: {glares at Kamler} I would now like to welcome
the crews of DS9, Enterprise and Enterprise D on board
the newest and best Starfleet ship."
Kira: "I object to that..."
Brinkman: "You would."
Kira: "Bajor has a new ship that could destroy the
Borg."
7 of 9: "That is illogical. The Borg would not get beat
by the terrorist Bajorans. I would know these
things becasue I am the Collective...whoops...I
mean...nothing."
Jadzia: "Bajor always has something new. But you know
what? Bajor always seems to be under control of
someone. You and your stupid terrorism. How hard
is to understand? Terrorism is out of date. And
I hate the prophets-"
{Security comes and takes Jadzia away}
Troi: "I want a hoho. I need some chocolate."
Torres: "I am sick and tired of you saying chocolate."
Troi: "This is the first time I have ever said that word
in my life."
Torres: "I'm sure. I'll give you a fifteen second running
head start. If I catch you I feed you to my pet
velociraptor. Just so you know, I haven't fed him
for three weeks."
Yar: "Freeze. You are not feeding anyone to a
velociraptor. Now back away before I detonate the
floating mine above your head."
Uhura: "Please, if you detonate the mine I will be force
to use my body descrambler."
Cassidy: "That's right. Becasue of the TNG's stupid
Borg idea, my poor Ben must go thru his life
with the loss of his wife. Without you guys, he could be
happy."
Uhura: "You ruined everything the original series stood
for."
Esri: "Yeah!!!"
Crusher: "Actually that was Deep Space Nine. We never went
to war. We kept Gene Roddenbery's idea of
intergalactic peace. It was DS9 that ruined it."
Uhura: "I guess that's true."
Torres: "Like I was saying all along."
Yar: "No you weren't."
Torres: "So, shut up."
7 of 9: "The facts are overwhelmingly against DS9."
Esri: "No!!!"
Kira: "Bring it! We'll take ya!"
Torres: "Let's kill 'em!!!"
Everyone: "Yeah! Kill them, KILL THEM!!!"
Amano: "Catfight!!!"
Brinkman: "Brinkman to security. We need you at the party.
Please bring laser cannons and other heavy
armaments. It's getting nasty in here."
Waltner: {enters with megaphone} "Everyone stop, NOW!!!"
{everyone stops} "You're making a mess, and since
I am the janitor as well as the squigi girl, YOU
HAVE TO STOP!!! Now that's better. Now I want
all of you to go to your rooms and think about
what you've done. {everyone files out} {to
writer} Anyway, what kind of stupid plotline is
this? All the women of Star Trek getting into a
brawl trying to kill the DS9 people? Are you a
complete idiot or are you just stupid?"
Mysterio: "How'd you know I was here?"
Waltner: "I knew that this entire story was so stupid only
you had to write it. My word, everyone fighting
eachother, James Bond running around, an engineer
who runs the ship, and for Pete's sake, I'm a
janitor and window washer who is piloting a ship!
And a fire drill to decide promotions? What is
wrong with your mind?"
Mysterio: "Don't worry, this all has a point."
Waltner: "Well, it better, or you're fired."
Mysterio: "Alright, I'm sorry."
Waltner: "Good, you should be."
On the Bridge
Troyer: "Still at it."
Gama: "Fascinating." {enter Bond and Ro, both exhausted}
Ro: "He won." {falls asleep on floor}
Bond: "Was there ever a doubt? Excuse me, I'm bored and
need to do something interesting."
Troyer: "Wow. I'm in awe at his stamina."
Gama: "Please Commander Troyer, say your name
backwards and in pig latin."
Troyer: "Huh?"
Gama: "Name. Backwards. In Pig Latin. I can not figure
it out."
Troyer: "Okaaaay. Reyort. Eyortra. That's my name
backwards and in pig latin."
Gama: "Thank you. You are excused." {exit Troyer}
Kamler's funeral
Brinkman: "So here we are. At our beloved friends funeral, who
died heroicly during this story. I'm a little
surprised and taken aback to tell you the truth,
because senior officers don't usually die in minor
plotlines like this."
Kamler: "Never thought I would attend my funeral as the
guest of honor."
Brinkman: "Now let's have our guest of honor speak and talk
about his death. I think it has taken him pretty
hard. So give a warm welcome for, Drew Kamler!"
Kamler: "I'd like to welcome you all to my funeral. {a
little laughter} It's been a strange two days to
say the least. I wish we had some women on our
ship like they did on DS9 and Voyager, if you know
what I mean. I like to thank the medical team who
attempted to revive me. I was really impressed
with their professionalism. "I-" {enter Bond}
{all the women in the room flock to him
immediately}
Women: "My turn my turn, is it my turn?" {chanted}
Bond: "Calm down please. Some have already had a turn,
so someone without a turn please come forward. {no
one comes forward} "Oh. Well then, I'll pick
someone. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ah ha, how about the Borg.
She was enjoyable."
7 of 9: "Yes yes yes, er, I mean, that is acceptable.
{whispers} "I know of a wonderful place called the
holodeck."
Bond: "Come."
Kamler: {clears throat four times beofre he gains
everyones attention, all that is left is Troyer
and Gama because the women were so disappointed
the men went and comforted them} "Maybe it'd be
best if I finish my funeral later."
Gama: "A very astute observation."
Troyer: "You wanna go with me and Gama to the holodeck. I
was going to show him our spy program.
Kamler: "Sure."
Gama: "Acceptable."
At holodeck doors
Kamler: "What are those groans coming from inside
holodeck?"
Gama: "Indeed."
Troyer: "Whoever they are, it sounds like they are in
pain. Hurry let's go in and save them!" {try to
enter}
Kamler: "Rats, the doors are locked."
Gama: "Computer override door lock, authorizazation-"
Troyer: "Hurry Gama, they're getting louder!!!"
Gama: "Authorization taco bell Vulcans 141524!!!" {the
doors slide open, all three dash in, they see
Bond's shirt on the floor, keep running, when they
get to the groaning, they all gasp in unison}
3ofthem: "Gasp!!!"
Troyer: "My word!"
Kamler "I can't believe it."
Gama: "Fascinating."{they were looking at 7 of 9 and
Bond...on the table together...playing...
CHESS?!?!?!?}
Kamler: "You play chess with the women?"
Bond: "Of course, what did you think I did?"
Kamler: "What was with the groans?"
7 of 9: "He was defeating me. I was expressing my
displeasure."
Troyer: "Why do you have your shirt off?"
Bond: "When I play chess, I play chess, and I get hot."
Gama: "Of course, it is very logical."
Troyer: "And you have did this with every woman you've
been with?"
Bond: "Yup."
Kamler: "What about the movies, where they show with the
woman, doing, well, you know."
Bond: "We kiss to get warmed up. Now you know they
never showed the whole thing. Because we just
switched to chess and no one wants to watch that."
Troyer: "And I though they never showed it because of
censors."
Bond: "That's partially the truth. Who would want to
watch me and a beautiful women playing chess.
Besides, most of them did not even no how."
Gama: "Of course. It is most logical.
Troyer: "Wow."
Kamler: "This is more weird than attending my own
funeral."