Star Wars Intro Music
Bad Movies, Cheap Popcorn, and the Dark Side!
It is a period of civil war. (Boy we've heard that enough haven't we?) Han Solo has recently been frozen in carbonite by the evil lord Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith (What's a sith?). Anyway, Luke Skywalker (the goody-goody, the jerk, etc.)has recorded a holo-message to be delivered to Jabba the Hutt in hopes of rescuing Han.
Meanwhile, the empire has begun a reconstruction of the first dreaded Death Star, which we will see in Return of the Jedi. (You don't need to worry about that, it doesn't come up in this script) Anyway, everything is going according to the way it should, and will continue to run it's present course normally, unless Mulder and Scully show up.
As a matter of fact, they ARE going to show up. (Later) You see, about 3 million years into the future, in another galaxy, in another dimension, Mulder and Scully are about to investigate a rather strange case. (But then again, aren't all their cases strange?) It involves a series of disappearances at an old theater from the seventies. It appears that whenever someone decides to watch a movie there, they are mysteriously transported to another dimension...
SW Galaxy
A psychiatrist's office
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Leia is lying on a bed in a psychiatrist's office. There is a psychiatrist in there, too. (Then again, don't all psychiatrist's offices have psychiatrist's in there?)
Leia:You see, doc, there were these people, gliders, or spiders or something and I think they had too much fruitcake because there were these other guys called Kromaggs that turned into chickens because there was a homing device that looked like fruitcake on the fat guy who later just died all of a sudden for no reason and then Wade made me worship her as dictator-for-life because I tapped into an AOL chatroom and it said "You've got mail!" Is this making any sense to you, Doc?
Doc:Uhh...yeah...I'll be right back.
Doc runs into secretaries room for a brief moment.
Doc:Big paycheck tonight!!! This one's totally lost it!!
Doc runs back to Leia.
Doc:Now, Leia, why did these K-mart things turn into chickens?
Leia:They're Kromaggs, and first they were Lavern and Shirley, but when Wade made me worship her, they turned into chickens. Wade did it because she said they wanted her fruitcake which looked like a homing device, or was it the other way around? I don't know....
Meanwhile...
X-Files Dimension
May 1, 1997, 3:10 p.m., Washington D.C., Fox Mulders Office.
Mulder and Scully are pondering their next case, which has something to do with bad movies, and fruitcake. Scully is currently going through a relive the childhood phase, and is apparently enjoying the arguements.
Mulder: I'll say it once more, we are NOT taking over the world, just solving X-files!
Scully: O.k., but I have to be home before dinner. What did you say about fruitcake?
Mulder: I didn't say anything about fruitcake, now let's get to this theater, and figure out what's going on.
Scully: Is it PG13, because mom said I can't watch those kind of movies. I wasn't even allowed to see "101 dalmations."
Mulder: Shut up. Snap out of it. Or I'll tell your mom.
Mulder slaps Scully, and she regains adulthood.
Scully: Sorry, let's go eat fruitcake, I mean wAtch 101 dalmations.
3:17 p.m.(yup,they got there in 7 minutes!), May 1, 1997, The old movie theater.
Scully is still an adult.
Mulder: Let's buy tickets, and investigate.
Scully: O.k., but I want my popcorn buttered. Oh yeah, and I already solved this case. It's a big hoax!
Mulder:Yeah? And I'm George Clooney. Come on.
Ticket hander-outers hand Mulder and Scully 2 pieces of, what, fruitcake!
The fruitcake is slimy and smells like something they scraped off a
highway.(But then again, aren't all fruitcakes slimy and smell like
something they scraped off the highway?)
Ticket hander-outer: Enjoy the show, and watch out for that vortex thingy.
Scully: Oh, you mean that hoax. Yeah sure.
They enter the theater, to find an old guy watching: "The Empire Strikes Back", and eating the fruitcake. Suddenly, a big blue thing comes out of the screen, and sucks him into it.
Scully: Neat special effects, but it's still a hoax.
Mulder: You never know.
The two sit down, and Mulder tries to make a move on Scully.
Scully: Get your hoaxy hands off me!
Mulder tries fruitcake.
Fruitcake:Get your hoaxy hands off me!
Scully:Having trouble with the fruitcake, Mulder?
I mean, Mulder EATS, not makes a move on, the fruitcake
Mulder: This fruitcake is good! Must be tasty cake or something.
Scully tries fruitcake. I mean, Scully EATS fruitcake.
Scully: Yuck, its moldy.
Mulder: Wow, look. It's that blue vortex thingy.
Scully and Mulder are sucked into the vortex, right into Jabba's Palace.
Mulder: Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Scully: Hey, good idea. Although if it were real, I'd be nauseous right now. I get vortex-sick, you see.
Meanwhile...
SW Galaxy
Rebel Base, on Rondevous (what's rondevous anyway?)
15:28 Standard Time
Luke, the droids, and Lando are putting the finishing touches on Luke's holo-message.
Luke:It's all done, except the first line. How about "Hi, fat one! How are ya?"
Threepio:The chances of me surviving Jabba's guards if you use that opener are 1234567890 to one. Please use something else.
Lando:How about "Greetings, exalted one."
Luke:No, that's stupid. It sounds like something a goody-goody would say.
Gee, I wonder who the goody-goody in this movie might be, maybe uhh..YOU!
Luke:You shut up!! You're just the narrator!! You can't tell me what to do!!
Yes I can.
Luke:No you can't!
Yes I can.
Luke:No, you can't!
No, I can't!
Luke:Yes, you can! and that's final! I'm using "Greetings, exalted one" and there's nothing you can do about it!
Remember folks, as I just demonstrated, if it works in Looney Tunes, it'll work anywhere!!!
Lando:Luke, you are a fool.
Luke:No, I'm a goody-goody! The narrator just said so!
Threepio:This is far too confusing for my circuits to handle. I'm shutting off.
Threepio shuts off. (Well, duh!)
Luke:Well, now that we've finished that, what should we do?
Lando:How about deliviring the message to Jabba, genius!
Luke:Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Actually, you guys can't do that yet. It doesn't happen until Episode 6. This is still Episode 5 and 1/4.
Luke:Oh well, then. I guess we'll just sit around here waiting for something exciting to happen.
Artoo says something really exciting!!!!
Artoo:Beep, beep, boop-boop, beeooop, whistle, hoot.
(OK, not that exciting...)
Lando:What'd he say?
Luke:Beep, beep, boop-boop, beeooop, whistle, hoot.
Lando:I meant what is the translation.
Luke:Good question. Artoo, what's that translate to?
Artoo:Beep, beep, boop-boop, beeooop, whistle, hoot.
Luke:Hmmmm...I think we have a problem.
Lando:Ya think?
Meanwhile...
Star Wars Galaxy.
15:41, standard time. Jabba's Palace.
Scully and Mulder are making fools of themselves in front of many people. Of course this isn't new to them. They do it every week on network television.
Scully: Hey, you big slug. Did you make the fruitcake, because it was moldy. By the way, I know this is a big hoax, so you can stop now.
Jabba: Yheialje sjhasiehs!!!!
Ooops, forgot to turn on tht translator. There we go, yeah. O.k.!
Jabba: I'm a yankee-doodle dandee, yes i'm-
Whoops, wrong translator. There we go.
Jabba: Throw them in the dungeon immediately!!
Mulder: Immediately? Wow, that was quick.
Gaurds take Mulder and Scully to the dungeon.
Mulder: Nice going, pinhead. I thought it sucked too, but this is ridiculous. Now we're going to be stuck in here forever.
Scully: I got an idea.
Mulder: For once.
Scully: See this spoon. If I start digging, we could be outta here in about, oh say, 60 years.
Mulder: I got a better idea.
Scully:But I have a better idea!
Scully moans, and tells gaurd she doesn't feel good. Gaurd opens door, and Mulder shoots guard.
Mulder: Wow, good job. I'm glad you didn't really get sick.
Scully:Actually, I did. But, let's go. I'm getting bored of this hoax.
Mulder and Scully run out of the palace, to find the Slave1, seeming to be waiting for them.
Scully: Wow, a prepared ship. Jabba must have planned ahead.
Mulder: He really did enjoy our insults. Let's go home.
Scully and Mulder enter, and get away in Slave1.
Mulder: Do you even know how to drive a Slave1?
Scully: No, but I can drive a car.
Computer:Please enter destination coordinates.
Mulder: HOME!
Computer:Been there, done that.
Mulder: Uhhh...Earth?
Computer says:I need coordinates
Mulder: Washington D.C.?
Computer says:I need coordinates, you bonehead.
Mulder: Hmmm...I think we may have a problem, Scully.
Scully: Hey Mulder, forget that. There's a really nice sculpture back here, it would look nice in my office. Too bad this is a hoax.
Mulder: This tag says,"Han Solo, frozen in carbonite."
Scully: Who has the controls?
Mulder: I thought you had them.
Scully: I do now. Hey, there's someone out there, yelling at us.
They look out window, to find Boba Fett.
Fett: Hey, get outa my ship!!! I payed good money for it!!
Computer:Since you too morons have refused to select coordinates, I will drive this ship to the place I choose. We are going to a psychiatrist's office.
Scully: (still looking out window) Did you say something, Mulder?
Mulder: (also looking out window) No.
Scully: Oh, good.
The ship starts to lift off. Boba Fett continues to scream, Mulder and Scully continue to look out window.
Scully: Hey, look we're actually taking off. They really went all out on this hoax, didn't they Mulder?
Mulder:Uhh...Scully, the stars just changed into long thin lines, we must be going really fast now.
Computer says:We are going at a rate of .7 past light speed.
Mulder: You mean we're going faster than the speed of light? Cool!
Scully: You freak. We're not really going the speed of light, this is all big hoax! The FBI will be here any minute now to get us out of here.
Mulder: Be quiet you jerk!
Scully: Idiot!
Mulder: Fool!
Scully: Moron!
Mulder: Dolt!
Scully: Nincompoop!
Mulder: Non-believer!!!
Scully: Believer!!!
Computer:Will you two shut up?
Scully and Mulder: NO!
Meanwhile...
SW Galaxy
16:01, standard time, Psychiatrist's office
Leia is just leaving from her visit. She's saying her goodbyes now. She is walking out the door.
Leia: Bye, doc! You're the best! Thanks to you, I now know that the entire expirence was just a dream I had, caused by eating too much fruticake.
Leia shuts the door, and starts to walk away. The Slave 1 approaches the planet and lands. Scully and Mulder run out and approach Leia.
Scully:Ma'am?
Leia turns to face Scully and Mulder
Leia:Yes?
Mulder:We are FBI agents from a galaxy far, far away. We got stuck here by a bad movie theater and some radioactive fruitcake which stuck us in the middle of Jabba's Palace. Fortunately, we were able to escape and steal a ship which belongs to some poor fool in green armor. The ship took us here and if you help us get home we'll give this really neat sculpture in the back of the ship.
Leia:Oh-no...
Scully:What?
Leia:I think I just wasted 10,000 credits.
Will Leia get her revenge on the psychiatrist who wasted her 10,000 credits? Will she decide to help Scully and Mulder get home? Will Luke and Lando ever figure out what Artoo is saying? Will I ever stop asking questions? Find out in the next exciting chapter of...
Coming Soon this Website!!!
E-mail Greg Engel, author "A" of this parody! OR E-mail Brian Wolf author "B" of this parody!