SW Galaxy
intro.

F.B.I. Agents Fox Mulder, and Dana Scully are called to investigate a strange incident at an old movie theater. They discovered that this theater has some sort of vortex, that plops you right into the movie you're watching. After being sucked into a "Star Wars" movie, Mulder and Scully land in the middle of Jabba the Hutt's Palace, on Tatooine. After being thrown in the dungeon, they escape, and take the Slave 1 as transportation. Not knowing of Han Solo being frozen in the ship, they take the ship. After not telling the ship's computer correct coordinates, the ship decides to head for a psychiatrists office. Meanwhile, Leia is in the psychiatrists office, telling the doctor of her past incidents with the "Sliders", during "Fruitcake Sucks." After the session, Leia meets the agents and discovers that she has been cheated of her money. She realizes the incidents with the "Sliders" really did occur, and she, Mulder, and Scully are caught in: "The Fruitcake Strikes Back!..."

SW Galaxy, in the Mos Eisley Cantina

Mulder:Hmmm.I think this Leia character is slightly off the rocker. I told her we needed help, and here we are, in a bar?

Leia:Trust me, the only psychiatrist around here is no good. I just came from him and I'm still lost. (to bartender) Hit me and keep it comin! I've totally lost it!!!!! First I had a dream that Luke was my brother, now this!!!

Scully:(hanging up cell-phone)They really went all out on this hoax, I just tried to call the F.B.I. headquarters, to tell them to rescue us, but the cell-phone didn't pick up a signal.

Mulder:This isn't a hoax! Get it through that round thing on top of your shoulders, unless you think that's a hoax, too!! It's real!!

Scully:Are you kidding? You can even see the zippers on the back of these 'aliens.'

Mulder:Those are exo-spines!!!

Leia:(completely drunk) No-oo-ob-od-y knows the tr-ouble I- I- I'll take the high road and you take my- my- my regards to broadway!!

Mulder:She needs to get rest, let's find a cheap motel.

Scully: Cheap? What do you mean? This is coming out of the taxpayers cash, not ours!! Let's stay at the Hotel Suite!!

Leia:It was the best of times, It was the worst of times, ever since THE TIMES went out of business. (gulp) Just follow the yellow brick sidewalk. And no, I'm not your father.

Scully:Whatever we do, we better do it before some reader associates us with Star Wars. If that happens, the ratings would drop down lower than Sliders!!!

Sliders Fans:Hey!!!!!

Meanwhile...

SW Galaxy, Tatooine
Obi-wan Kenobi's House

Luke is still unsuccessfully trying to interpret Artoo's bleeps whistles and hoots.

Artoo: Beep, beep, boop-boop, beeooop, whistle, hoot!

Lando: Why don't we ask Threepio, after all, he's...

Luke: I know, I know. Fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. But he's turned off.

Lando: Let's see if you can figure this one out. TURN HIM ON!!!!!

Luke: Oh Threepio, you make me-

Lando: I meant activate him!!!!!

Luke: OHHHH!!!!! (Luke hits switch) Now do I turn him on?

Lando: Threepio, what is Artoo saying?

Artoo: Beep, beep, boop-boop, beeooop, whistle, hoot.

Threepio: He says you must travel to the Mos Eisley Cantina where you will meet your future sister Leia who has just left a psychiatrist's office and is now drunk after meeting two FBI agents from another dimension known inter-dimensionally as "Conspiracy World". The first Agent, Fox Mulder, has had his sister abducted by aliens who frequent the Cantina, but his partner, Dana Scully, doesn't beleive anything he says and thinks that our entire galaxy is a hoax.

Luke:OK, then how would Artoo say 'Hi'.

Artoo: Beep, beep, boop, beep, Boop-boop, whistle, beeeooop, hoot, beep, boop-beep-boop whistle whistle Hoot hoot hoot whistle beep boop beep.

Luke: Beep, beep, boop, beep, Boop-boop, whistle, beeeooop, hoot, beep, boop-beep-boop whistle whistle Hoot hoot hoot whistle beep boop beep.

Artoo: Beep, boop-boop.

Luke: What did he say?

Threepio: He-

Lando: We don't have time, you imbeciles!!!!

Luke: O.k., then let's get movin' to the Cantina. Mos Eisley Cantina that is.

Using Lando's japanese, stolen landspeeder, they approach the Cantina.
As they leave the speeder, it blows some circuits, and goes kapoot.

Luke: Hey, this tag says it was made in Taiwan. Then how can it be a japanese landspeeder?

Lando: Who knows, just follow the script.

As they enter, they find Leia, drunk as a skunk (how can a skunk be drunk), and the FBI agents Mulder and Scully.

Luke: Hey Leia, we've come to get you and these FBI agents to a cheap motel.

Scully: CHEAP!?!

Leia: (now close to sober) Great but how'd you know that I was drunk and that these were FBI agents here.

Luke:Well, Artoo-

Lando: (kneeing Luke) I used my expertise sense of people in trouble and knew you needed help. What can we do for you, Princess? (Lando kisses Leia's hand)

Leia: I need more (insert your favorite alcoholic drink here)...

Scully: That motel better not be cheap!!!

Mulder: Who are you guys? Did you abduct my sister?

Luke: No, that guy over there did.

Mulder: Where?

Luke: There (points to Bob Dole, sitting at bar)

Mulder: I knew he was an alien!!! And he abducted my sister too!

Scully: This hoax just gets sicker and sicker.

Mulder: Well, lets hurry up. I don't want to spend any more time in this bar.

Scully: Hoax you mean.

Mulder: This bar stinks, and it has the alien who kisnapped my sister in here.

Scully: Mulder it is a ho- Wait a minute, Mulder, why didn't you argue with me about whether or not this is a hoax when I said it was a hoax. Hello?

Luke: I know a nice cheap place downtown that should be just fine. It's called the motel 6.

Lando: I hate that place. How bout the motel 7? It's even cheaper.

Scully: WE ARE NOT STAYING AT A CHEAP PLACE!!! Can anyone hear me??

No

Scully: I wasn't talking to you!!!! Hey wait a minute, what do you mean no one can hear me?

No one can hear you because of an upcoming plot twist involving Vader, the Emperor and a timer. I can't tell you what it is because it will ruin the script for the readers.

Scully: Oh great.

Luke: Why don't we go to the motel 8, then. It's even cheaper!

Lando: Well, the motel 9 is even cheaper!

Luke: What about the motel 10...

Meanwhile...

Imperial Palace, The Emperor's Thrown-err...Throne Room At the same time.

While, Luke and Lando go up the numbers on motels, the Emperor has been devising a plan.

Vader walks into Emperor's Thrown-er....Throne Room

Vader:My master, more travellers from another dimension have arrived into our galaxy.

Emperor: Yes, I know.

Vader: And they have befriended the rebels.

Emperor: Yes, I know.

Vader: And if we take advantage of this opportunity we could take out the rebels and get the power to travel between dimensions all at once!

Emperor: Yes, I know.

Vader: ...and you can say something besides 'Yes, I know.'

Emperor: Yes, I know.

Vader: and you're a pathetic piece of fish turd!!!

Emperor: Yes, I- WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!

At this the Emperor turns around in his seat and starts shooting blue laser bolts at Vader.

Vader: I'm sorry...

The Emperor stops.

Emperor: Good. (he turns back around in his seat) I have devised a plan to take advantage of this situation.

1. The 'Sliders' that passed through here a few years ago before 'The Empire Strikes Back' are wanted by the dimension-owners 'Kromaggs.' I know all this because I watch the show and read the parodies. (I spend a lot of time on the internet.)

Vader: By the way, what's your e-mail address?

Emperor: I'll tell you after the plan!!!

2. The 'Sliders' have previously met with these FBI agents, and if the agents were to be kidnapped, the 'Sliders' would do anything in their power to save them.

3. We kidnap the FBI agents and put them in a position where the 'Sliders' think they can rescue them, but when they try-WE STRIKE!!!

4. With the Sliders captive, the Kromaggs will come to us, and we will then conquer the Kromagg Dynasty and the Empire will be expanded into multiple time frames and dimensions, so that we can teach each and every one of them the ways of the Dark Side and I will be master of everything I see!! A HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Vader: Great, now how about that e-mail address?

Emperor: You can e-mail me at: lobotomy42@netscape.net. Now about capturing FBI agents, I have devised ANOTHER plan. This one to capture the FBI agents. I have given Agent Scully a virus to make her voice inaudible to everyone but her. Eventually they shall take her to a hospital, and since every hospital is owned by the Empire, we will easily be able to capture them all!!! HA!

Vader: HA HA!!

Emperor: HA HA HA!!

Vader: HA HA HA HA!!

Emperor: HA HA HA HA HA!!

Vader: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

While Vader and the Emperor try to outlaugh each other...

Mos Eisley Cantina

Luke: How about the Motel 78? It's even cheaper!!!!

Lando: Better yet, the Motel 79!

Luke: Or the Motel 80!

Scully: Can't anybody hear me?

Mulder: Uh...guys. I think there's something wrong with Scully.

Luke: I'll say. How come she's moving her mouth, but nothing's coming out?

Scully: HELP ME!

Leia: I'm still drunk, but I've got an idea! Let's follow the yellow brick road-er.. I mean let's take her to an Imperial-owned hospital so that the Emperor can capture us all and lure the Sliders into saving them so that he can lure the Kromaggs here and take over the entire Kromagg Dynasty and he can rule every parallel dimension!!!!

Luke: What a great idea!!!!!!

Everyone looks at Luke.

Luke: What????

Mulder: Oh, you're an idiot, that's all.

Lando: All right, let's think this thing through. You FBI agents are stuck here and we have to help you get back because...because... because what?? Come to think of it, we have no reason to help you whatsoever!!!

Mulder: Um..we'll give you this neato silver statue. It was called "Han's last mistake-gone carbonite" or something.

Luke: You have Han Solo frozen in Carbonite!?! He was our friend! Give him to us!!!

Mulder: Will you help me?

Lando: Yeah. Sure. Now let's cut to a Meanwhile sequence.

Meanwhile...

Vader: Master.

Emperor: What is it Vader?

Vader: This helmet.

Emperor: What?

Vader: Did you know it's impossible to pick your nose in this thing.

Emperor: Is that it?

Vader: No, our victims are not falling for our trap.

Emperor: I'll take care of it, don't worry.

Vader: Master.

Emperor: WHAT NOW!

Vader: Nothing, I just felt like saying master.

Emperor: Vader, are going to tell me something important or are you just standing here to annoy me?

Vader: Both! You see, I need to know how you are going to ' take care of it.'

Emperor: I'll just beam'm up.

Vader: Why didn't you just do that to begin with?

Emperor: Because then the story would be over already.

Emperor hits a button. Mulder, Scully, Leia, Luke, and Lando are beamed up. They are now standing before Vader.

Luke: Oh no! We're trapped!

Lando: Gee, you're quick!!!

Will Mulder, Scully, and all the rest escape the hands of the Emperor? Will the Emperor's plan succeed? Are the Sliders going to somehow be pulled into this? Will Dorothy find her way home? Will I ever stop talking? Find out in the next exciting episode of:

This story is copywright © 1997, 1998 Greg Engel and Brian Wolf
It used exclusively for non-profital educational purposes