FBI agents Mulder and Scully were thrown into the Star Wars Galaxy while investigating an obvious crime scene. They were thrown directly into Jabba's Palace, and quickly escaped the dungeon. They encountered a psychotic woman named "Leia", and ate some really bad fruitcake along the way.

Meanwhile, fellow idiots Luke and Lando, after deciphering a mysterious message from R2-D2, rushed to the Cantina to save Leia from Oz, and to help Mulder and Scully get back. Then they realized they had no reason to help Mulder and Scully, that is, until Mulder, stupid as he is, casually mentioned that he and Scully had Han Solo frozen in Carbonite in the trunk of the Slave One, which they bravely, (or perhaps, just incredibly ingnorantly), stole from the notorious Boba Fett.

Unfortunatley, by the time they had all realized what hada happened, the Emperor beamed them up in a bad attempt to capture the Sliders, and the Kromaggs.(see part 2) So, they are all stuck inthe Death Star, with no way to escape. This is what you get when you end up in "The X-wars"...

Mulder, Scully, Luke, Lando, Leia, Artoo, and Threepio are standing in the Emperor's Throne room. The Emperor just beamed them up.

Mulder:Hi. I'm an FBI agent. What are you, a living prune??

Emperor:IMBECILE!!!!!! You shall experience a fate worse than death!!!!!!

Emperor shoots lots of pretty blue lightning bolts at Mulder.
Mulder dies, and the show's over. Fooled ya!! Ha ha!! You believed me!!!

Actually, Mulder screams in pain...

Mulder:AHHHHH!!!

...while Scully watches in awe.

Scully:Awwwwww....

I said AWE, A, W, E!!!!!

Scully:Oh. OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!

Meanwhile Luke, Lando, Threepio, Artoo, and oh yeah, Leia, are trying to bribe Darth Vader into allowing them to escape.

Luke:I'll even throw in this one-of-a-kind Jedi Foot Fungus, found only on the foot of, me, a Jedi.

Vader:Anything else?

Luke:Oh yeah, Leia.

Mulder:Guys, stop picking your noses, and help us think of a plan.

Scully:Yeah, Mulder and I need to get home. This Emperor guy is starting to make me sick.

Lando:You know, this is getting nowhere. We really need to get out of this giant 8 ball, and get these BIF freaks home.

Scully:That's FBI.

Lando:What is?

Mulder:It's FBI, not BIF.

Luke:Who said anything about BIF?

Scully:Never mind.

After a bunch of pointless conversation, our story jumps to the part where they finally get a good enough plan to actually work.
Since all of our so-called heroes are too stupid too think of one, I'll spell it out for them. WHY DON"T YOU WALK OUT!!!!!!

ALL: What a great idea. You're a genius!

It doesn't take a whole lot of thinking to figure that one out.

While casually walking out, our fellow idiots are stopped by stormtroopers.

All:Well, what do we do now?

Pray they don't have blasters.

All:Dear god, I pray that-

NO NO! Not literally!

Luke:We weren't praying to literally, we were praying to God!!

Leia kicks Luke.

Leia:Are you as stupid as you look?

Luke:How stupid do I look?

IF YOU DON'T MIND, THIS STORY HAS SOMETHING CALLED A PLOT, AND WE REALLY NEED TO GET BACK ON TO IT. AND DON'T MAKE A BAD JOKE ABOUT "GETTING ONTO PLOTS" EITHER!!!!!

Vader, beoming incredibly bored, leaves the room to listen to Aerosmith new CD, Nine Lives. Pick it up today at your local Music Store. 14.95 on Endor,12.95 on Tatooine. Why more on Endor? Because we hate the Ewoks!!!!!

Scully:Hey everyone, I have a plan. Luke and Mulder could distract the Emperor, while the rest of us try and figure out that transport thingy, and then we escape!

Mulder:O.k., let's do it Luke.

Mulder and Luke walk up to Emperor, with a genious plan.

Mulder:Hey, crater-face!

Emperor shoots Mulder with neato lightning bolts.

Mulder:OW! Wow, can you teach me how to do that?

Luke:I think you got it Mulder, I'll go help the others.

Emperor:Agent Mulder, It takes many years of vigorous training in the Force to learn how to shoot blue lightning bolts.

Mulder:I got ten bucks.

Emperor:The secret is long fingernails...

Meanwhile...

With the others....

Scully:Allright, now that we bravely figured it out, let's go get Mulder. Nevermind, it looks like he found us.

Mulder:Hey Scully, look what I learned to do.

Mulder shoots a blue lightning bolt at the Emperor's throne, and nearly destroys it.

Mulder:Oops, I'LL PAY LATER! BYE!

Our heroes bravely get away, and end up in the Tatooine desert.
Unfortunately, they still have to find a way home, and they are stuck in the middle of the worst possible place to be in their situation.

Mulder:(Insert Quick and witty line here)

Scully:Mulder, your attempt at being quick and witty was pathetic.

Mulder:Oh, if I only she knew of my undying passion for her! How it hurts so much to have my "quick and witty" reponses brushed off without so much as a thought!! How she...how she...how she acts as if I was stupider than dirt! I mean, even though I AM stupider than dirt, that's no reason to treat me like that!!! I wish-

Scully:Mulder, what are you doing?

Mulder:It's called a monologue. It's when one of the characters talks uninterrupted for a whole paragraph or so. You should try it some time.

Scully:OK. If only he knew how much I want to kill him!! How I want to take his head, put it through a Dice-o-matic, and see it fly into millions of bite-size pieces, which I'd-

Mulder:Ok, that's enough! I get the point!

Scully:Gee, I was sort of enjoying that little monologue.

Lando:Guys, we can't just stand around here all day, arguing pointlessly.

Luke:Sure we can, its a lot more fun anyway.

R2D2:Beep beep.

Threepio:Artoo says we have to find a way to get Mulder and Scully home, before the Emperor figures out what happened.

Leia:How do we do that? Its not like there's some magical vortex to Mulder&Scully land lying around, waiting for us. Let's at least try to find some sort of transportation to a place with some eerie stuff, and a vortex.

After hours of walking in the hot desert, they find an abandoned Star Ship lying in in the middle of nowhere. They enter the spacecraft, and quickly decide to go to Endor, for some Ewok-slaughtering fun.

Scully:Hey! That won't help get us home!!!

Leia:Who cares? Nothing relieves stress like some good old-fashioned "Whack the Ewok."

They fly to Endor, and play "Whack the Ewok" for a few hours. If you would like to experience this, then I recommend you buy "Star Warped", a very funny game available at your local software retailer. You can buy it for 2 to 20 dollars.

Mulder:Hey this is fun!!!

Mulder pokes an Ewok off the bridge.

Ewok:Ahhhhh!!!!!

Lando:OK, we've had our fun. Now let's cut to a meanwhile sequence to find out where we can find a vortex!!!

Meanwhile...

The Emperor's Throne room...

Vader walks in, confused, and holding a jar in his hand.

Emperor:Vader, what are you doing here, I thought I told you to stay in your room. You've been very bad today.

Vader:No, this is serious. I was minding my own bussiness, eating some fruitcake sent from my mom, and, all of the sudden, my fruitcake spit out a radical looking vortex. I captured it in this jar.

Emperor:Ahh, that Vortex may be the key to capturing the Sliders. Vader, go on Endor, and track down those BIF agents. I want them here, alive! They can probably bring me the Sliders or the Kromaggs!! And if they don't I'll burn them in the eternal vortex to you-know-where!!!!! Then I can capture the Kromagg Dynasty!! And take over every world in existence, which is my life-long dream!!!!! Only then will I-

Vader:What are you doing?

Emperor:It's called a monologue. It's when...

Meanwhile...

Back on Endor, our friends continue to endulge in Ewok-wacking fun. Sudenlly, someone actually realizes that this story is getting nowhere.

Scully:Guys, I just realized something.

WACK! WACK! BONK!

Mulder:Well, what's that Scully?

BOOOIIING!

Mulder:Hey, wait a minute, how did that "BOOOIIING!" get in there? I just wacked the Ewok, the proper sound effect is "WACK!"

Fine, I'll put in the "WACK!". Let's start that whole line over again.

WACK!

Scully:Anyway, I realized that this story is going nowhere. We need to find a transport, and then we need to find some fruitcake, which will lead us to a vortex, which will get Mulder and I home.

Luke:How do you know all this?

Scully:Actually, I found it inscripted on this tree.

Mulder:Wow. What a small world.

Threepio:Uh, sir. I figured we needed a plan, so I tried to plan it out on this tree. You see, I figured it all out. All we have to is find the fruitcake, which will lead us to the vortex, which will get Mulder and Scully home.

Leia:Wait a second Threepio. Why do we need fruitcake? We already know where the vortex is.

ALL:WHERE?

Leia:Vader has it.

ALL:HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Leia:I watched the "Meanwhile..." sequence.

Mulder:Well, why didn't you tell us this before?

Leia:Well, you guys looked like you were having fun. so I held it off for awhile. Besides, what good is this info. now, if we can't even find a transport?

Suddenly, a transport appears.

Leia:I stand corrected.

So our friends climb aboard the transport, and head off for the Death Star. Upon approaching the Death Star, they face a minor problem...

Mulder:Oh no! Look at all of those X-wings! We're doomed.

Scully:Mulder, the X-wings are o our side.

Mulder:Oh yeah, I mean, TIE fighters.

Luke:And you call yourself a Star Wars fan...

Mulder:No, actually, I call myself Fox Mulder.

Luke:And they say I'M stupid.

Mulder:I'm not stupid, I'm slow.

So, after the pointless argiung, they all finally get it together, and send Mulder and Scully to control the weapons.

Scully:And we're supposed to shoot those TIE fighters?

Mulder:Yes, just like the arcade game, "Asteroids", except these are real ships, not asteroids, and they move A LOT faster.

Scully:So, Mulder? What do we do with this headgear?

Mulder:Oh just put it on. It doesn't do anything much, but make you look like a real superhero.

Scully:So let's start shooting.

Scully and Mulder start shooting, and hit nothing.

Lando:Will you two start shooting something?? We're getting killed!!!

Mulder:Wait! I just remembered something!!!

Scully:What?!

Mulder:I brought my Video Game Guide with me!!

Scully:How's that going to help??

Mulder:There's a code in it for Invincibility in "Bad Titles, Cheap Gags, and a Walnut."

Scully:You mean they're actually going to make a video game out of this??

Mulder:I hope not, but the code should still work.

Mulder hits a sequence of buttons on the ship's guns, and suddenly a few beeps are heard and the ship starts to flash colors. The background music changes as well.

Scully:This is insane.

Luke:Hey, look! Everything the ship touches immediately blows up.

Leia:I hope this parody is over soon, it's really getting stupid.

Scully:Gee, your're quick.

Mulder:Ok, now how about---

Lando:Hey! We don't have time for another pointless joke! We have to go to the new and secretly under-construction Death Star which we don't know about!

Leia:We're already there.

Lando:What do you mean? Narrator, explain.

Okee-Dokee. You see, while you morons wasted time thinking up pointless jokes, the Emperor pulled you in with his Tractor beam, saving you a lot of time.

Luke:My, how condsiderate that emperor is.

Mulder:C'mon! We have to get the vortex from Vader!

Leia:What's the rush?

Scully:This parody is only 2 more pages!!!

Lando:Oh, then let's go!!!!

So, our heroes enter the main deck, where Vader and the Emperor await their arrival. Little do they know that they are fully prepared for an attack.

Scully:You better be fully prepared for an attack!

Mulder and Scully pull out guns, and Luke, Leia, and Lando pull out blaster rifles.

Mulder:Its useless to resist. Now, give me the vortex, and nobody gets blown to bits.

Vader surprisingly pulls out light saber, and turns it on.

Vader:AHA! Look who's talking!

Suddenly, the batteries start to run out.

Vader:NO!

Pink rabbit runs across screen.

Vader:I should've used Energizer!

Scully:And this is supposed to be funny? Hello, where are the writers?

Lando:HEY LOOK! ITS SNOWING!

Everbody turns to look, and Lando snatches jar containing vortex from Vader.

Mulder:Yes! LANDO SAVED THE DAY!

Lando:Now, do I get a medal?

Luke:Why shoud you?

Lando:Hey, you did. You practicly did nothing, either. I mean, c'mon, any idiot could blow up a Death Star. It takes a real genious to pick up a jar!

Luke:Well, I guess this is it.

Mulder:Yeah, I guess so. You guys can pick up Han in front of the Cantina.

Scully:Wait, Mulder, I thought Leia has to free Han in Return of the Jedi? If we just gave him to them wouldn't it mess things up?

Mulder:Yeah, you're right. I have an idea to fix that though.

Mulder pulls out a pen shaped object.

Mulder:Please look directly into the ballpoint.

Scully:Mulder, this isn't Men in Black, so let's end this stupid thing.

Mulder ignores Scully, and presses the pen cap in. There is a bright flash of light.

Mulder:You did indeed just meet with Mulder and Scully from another universe, but you never saw the secret Death Star, you did not see Han in Carbonite, you helped Mulder and Scully out of the goodness of your heart, not for Han. You are on a big Space Ship, you are about to walk into it and fly home. This is NOT a death star. Good bye.

Leia, Luke, Lando, Threepio, and Artoo just stand there, motionless.

Scully:I think they're in a coma.

Mulder:Let's go.

Mulder opens up the jar, and the vortex pops out, and makes a whooshing sound like on Sliders.

Mulder:Isn't this the vortex that the Sliders used to contact us all those times and accidentally slide to our world?

Scully:You mean those four morons who were all a big hoax?

Mulder:They weren't a HOAX!!!!Let's just go.

Scully and Mulder jump in just as it closes.

A minute later they pop out of the vortex onto some grass.

Just as they come out, a black train emerges from a vortex at exactly 88 mph and crashes into a tree. At the same time, yet another vortex opens and four morons (who's show will reappear on the Sci-Fi channel) pop out. Then, all the vortexes close.

Doc Brown:Marty! It would appear that traveling into the future has taken us into a parallel universe! (looks at remains of train) Oh-no! The train is broken, that means you, Clara, and I are all stuck here until repairs can be made! This could be disatrous!

Maggie:Oh no.