Attack of the Killer Hamster




Summary:  When Mulder's new pet hamster mutates after eating tainted
sunflower seeds, all hell breaks loose.

 Mulder walks into his office with a cage and a bag of sunflower seeds on
a Monday morning.

Scully: Mulder, what the heck is that?

Mulder: A hamster.  I thought he might keep us company.  His name is Bob.
 Isn't he cute?

Scully: Mulder, that rodent's got to go.  What if he escapes and Skinner
finds a dead hamster in his office?  Besides, he's too much of a
distraction.

Mulder:  Aw, Scully, please let me keep him.  Please?

        Mulder pokes out his lower lip.  Scully rolls her eyes.
Scully: Well, he is sort of cute.  Fine, just make sure you remember to
put books on the cage lid, or something.
        
        Mulder smiles and grabs the hamster.  Bob proceeds to jump from his
hands onto the desk.
Mulder: Hey, he's eating my sunflower seeds!  Man, he's got good taste in
food.

Scully: Mulder, put that stupid hamster back.  We've got to go get some
lunch.

Mulder: Fine.

        The two leave the office, unaware that Bob is starting to froth at the
mouth.  The hamster starts to grow, and it's teeth and claws sharpen.  It
bursts out of the cage, making a half growling, half squeaking sound and
starts to shred the papers littering Mulder's desk.
        Mulder and Scully return an hour later to find the office in shambles.
Scully:  Holy sh*t!  Where the hell did you buy that hamster?!

Mulder:  I got it at a pet store.

Scully: Well, what was the last thing you fed it?

Mulder:  Who cares what it ate?

Scully:  Wait, it had some of your sunflower seeds.  Bring them over
here.
        Scully pokes at the bag.
Scully:  Mulder, these are tainted sunflower seeds!

Mulder: I knew that hobo selling them on the street corner looked sorta
weird.

Scully:  You bought them from a hobo?

Mulder:  Yeah.

Scully:  Remind me never to let you shop alone.
        Suddenly, the hamster lunges at Scully.
Scully:  Mulder, shoot it!  It's clawing at my hair!  I just had it
professionally colored yesterday!

Mulder:  No, I won't hurt Bob!  

Scully:  Mulder!

Mulder:  Let me go to the store and buy some tranquilizer darts.  Stay
here.

Scully:  Mulder, just kill him!
        Mulder grabs Scully's wallet and runs out the door.  By now, Scull
nearly has a mohawk.
Scully:  Okay, now I'm pissed.
        She jumps up and wrestles the hamster to the ground.  She grabs her gun
and tries to shoot it, but can't bring herself to do so.
Scully:  Why do you have to be so damn cute?
        Suddenly, the hamster starts to shrink, and returns to normal size. 
Scully picks it up and puts it back in the cage just as Mulder runs into
the room with some tranquilizer darts.
Mulder:  Oh good, he's back to normal, but Scully, you need to do
something about your hair.
        Scully glares at Mulder and stalks out of the room.  Mulder sees the bag
of sunflower seeds and starts to drool.  He eats one and begins foaming
at the mouth.  Bob runs on his wheel.