HOW TO GET RID OF AN ANNOYING RODENT (NEELIX).
By a very bored Liz Brett
 
(B'Elanna is chasing Tom down a corridor.)
 
B'Elanna: Please, Tom?
Tom: No! It's stupid. I don't need to "express myself".
B'Elanna: You'll love it.
Tom: No I won't. I'll hate it. I hate you.
B'Elanna: You don't mean that. Now, if you had some way of truly expressing yourself, you 
		  wouldn't need to make irrational statements like that.
Tom: Kes wouldn't have made me do this.
B'Elanna: GOD DAMN YOU, WILL YOU GET OVER YOUR OBSESSION WITH KES!
 
(They run into Neelix and Chakotay.)
 
Neelix: Looks like there's trouble in paradise, Commander. Maybe we should leave our love 
		birds to their lover's quarrel.
 
(Chakotay restrains B'Elanna with difficulty.)
 
B'Elanna: Must..kill..loathsome..troll...
Tom: B'Elanna wants me to try performance art. That stay with that half-witted poet has 
	 boosted her ego so much that it's bigger than the captain's-
 
(Looks at Chakotay.)
 
Tom: Nothing, sir.
B'Elanna: But I had this brilliant idea for our first performance! How about "B'Elanna: How 
		  she rescued Voyager from certain death every day and received Absolutely No 
		  Thanks."? I was thinking poignant- all unsung heroes and self sacrifice.
Neelix: I've got it! Let's have another one of my annoyingly crap evenings- The Voyager 
		Drama Evening!
B'Elanna: I love it!
Chakotay: Hold it, everybody. This is an idea that even Tom cringes away from.
Tom: What do you mean, EVEN Tom?
Neelix: Of course, it would necessitate me working closely with Leiutenant Torres.
 
(Looks at Torres with undisguised lust.)
 
B'Elanna: Oh no... Gods, no... I can't.. because- erm, because- I have to talk to Chakotay 
		  about implementing a Negaah Drive, to get us home faster! That's it! Oh, what a 
		  pity, must go, see you round, come on Chakotay.
Chokotay: And that's why I can't listen to your irrelevant updates on the crew's morale. 
		  The Nagar- Negeer- Na- The captain wants an update.
 
(They rush off.)
 
Tom: And I have to.. have to.. wash my hair. Seeya.
 
*  *  *  *  *
 
(The Bridge.)
 
Janeway: I received your update on the Negaah Drive. I can't help but be concerned, 
		 Commander. Although if it worked, it would get us home twice as fast, the Sad-
		 Negaah cautioned us against using their propulsion system. Voyager does not have 
		 enough psionic mass to keep the Drive balanced. The Drive would break down within 
		 a few lightyears, but we would be left as vegtables. Oh, and speaking of moronic 
		 IQ-less idiots, Neelix wants to speak with you about starting a Drama Club on 
		 board.  As the Negaah Drive thing isn't happening, I think I'll put you in charge 
		 of overseeing Neelix's Club.
Chakotay: Gods, no.. oh please..
 
(Thinks fast.)
 
Chakotay: I think you dismiss the Negaah Drive too quickly, Captain. While the Drive in 
		  its original form would have that effect, we made some changes that we think-
Janeway: I don't see any changes.
Chakotay: Give me the pad.
 
(He fiddles with it, and hands it back to her.)
 
Chakotay: See? There and there. Changes.
Janeway: You just put those in now.
Chakotay: Did not.
Janeway: I'm afraid that I'm still going to have to-
Chakotay: I'll sleep with you.
Janeway: OK. Consider yourself in charge of the Negaah Drive.
 
*  *  *  *  * 
(The Bridge.)
 
Tuvok: The Negaah Drive is ready to be initiated, Captain. However, I feel I must object 
	   once more to the-
Janeway: Shut it, Tuvok. Engage the Negaah Drive, full speed.
Tom: Yes, ma'am.
Captain: Don't call me that!
Tom: Yes, ma'am.
Tuvok: Why do you not desire him to address you in that fashion?
Harry: Yeah! I agree with Tuvok. Oh, and by the way, why don't you let Tom call you ma'am?
Janeway: Sigh.
 
(Annoying beeping noises start.)
 
Tuvok: Captain, the Negaah Drive is breaking down.
Janeway: Why?
Tuvok: It appears that our ship has insufficiant psionic mass to balance the Drive. In a 
	   few minutes, we will all become brain dead  zombies. The Captain will note that my 
	   objections to this whole thing are on record.
Janeway: But Chakotay said he changed it!
Chakotay: I did. You know how all the buttone on the original drive were red?
Janeway: Yes?
Chakotay: Now they're pink.
Janeway: You idiot! You absoute idiot!
Chakotay: I like pink!
Seven of Nine: All we need is something with huge mental mass to counter balance the drive. 
	  Hmmm. I've got it!    All of us on board Voyager have had to contend with B'Elanna's 
	  huge ego over that half witted poet writing a few plays about her.
Tom: Oooooh, yeah.
Seven of Nine: So if we stimulate her ego, that should balance the drive long enough for us 
	  to stop.
Tuvok: That might actually work!
Janeway: B'Elanna. Think about the plays. Think of that half-witted poet, the only one who 
		 really appreciates your brilliance! 
Tuvok: The drive is stabilising, Captain.
Janeway: Shut it down, Mr. Tuvok.
Tuvok: Are you sure, Captain? I have listened to B'Elanna talk about this. She's got alotta 
	   juice in her yet.
Janeway: Just shut it down.
 
(He fiddles with the buttons on his work station.)
 
Tuvok: Captain, I am having trouble shutting it down. We have too much psionic mass. We 
	   need to lose a very small amount to regain equilibrium. We are just a fraction too 
	   intelligent. Somehow, we need to get rid of the tiniest, eensiest bit of intelligence.
Janeway: Janeway to the crew. Someone kill Neelix.
Crew: With pleasure!
Tuvok: We have regained equilibrium. I have shut down the drive.
 
(He steps out from behind his workstation and dances around the bridge.)
 
Tuvok: Neelix is dead, yeah! Neelix is dead, woohoo!
Tom: I thought Vulcans weren't allowed to show emotion.
Tuvok: Are you kidding? I planned all of this! The meeting with the Sad-Negaah, B'Elanna's 
	   crash on that planet, all to get rid of
Neelix!
Tom: That was something of a long shot, wasn't it?
Tuvok: Well... I also had some more direct plans...
 
(Doctor's voice comes through on the comm.)
 
Doctor: Captain, I must tell you that Niaomi Wildman has been killed by some bombs 
		carelessly left in the mess hall kitchen.
Tuvok: Two in one day! YEEHAA!
Janeway: This was very wrong of you, Tuvok... very wrong indeed...
Chakotay: Oh, keep that for the court martial. Now let's party!
Janeway: OK!
Tuvok: Now I'm on a winning streak, can we get rid of Harry, too?
 
(Janeway gives him The Look.)
 
Tuvok: Oh, alright. But you can't blame a guy for trying...
 
THE END