Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

Kes becomes a trash mouth. Round Robin. PG-13, strong language. Note: This story was written by lister, The Doc Is in, Kate Janeway, Cassandra, V'Ger and some anonymouse git.

'F*ck!' Paris exclaimed, as he peeled himself off the main bio-bed. 'Mother F*cker! That hurts!'

'Watch your mouth,' the Doctor scolded.

Kes stood in the background and watched the exchange. 'What does that mean, Tom?' Her large eyes overflowing with curiosity.

'It means, god damn, that hurts!'

'Oh. I should try that sometime...'

'Mr. Paris may be the best pilot in the Delta Quadrant,' said the Doctor, frowning at Tom. 'but he has the mouth of a 20th century sailor, and someone should wash it thoroughly with soap and water.' The Doctor turned his attention to Kes. 'He's not exactly the best example to follow.'

'Yes, Doctor,' Kes bowed her head as the Doctor turned his attention back to his patients sore spine. With the Doctors attention elsewhere, she looked at Tom and winked. Tom gave her a curious look, but left anyway.

~~~~

The next day, Kes arrived to help Neelix in the mess hall.

'Good morning, my sweet!' Neelix greeted her.

Kes looked back at him casually. 'Good morning, mother f*cker.'

Neelix looked at her as if she just swallowed rotted leola root. 'Uh, Kes, why...?'

'Janeway to Kes.' Her com badge chirped, 'You're needed on the bridge.'

'Acknowledged, you fat b*tch, I'm on my f*cking way.' She said very calmly.

~~~~

One the bridge, Janeway was trying to comprehend what she just heard and Paris was trying desperately not to laugh. She hoped that this was only a one time event and decided not to lecture Kes, but she soon changed her mind when Kes entered the bridge and said. 'You called for me, you mother f*cking butthead?'

Now Paris nearly fell out of his chair laughing, and Janeways eyes narrowed and her mouth became a thin line. The rest of the bridge crew already ducked because they knew from experience what this meant. 'My ready room, NOW!!!' Came Janeways deep anger-suppressing voice.

'Like hell I will!' Was Kes's over-enthusiastic reply. She was really starting to enjoy this new image she was creating for herself.

Janeway jumped out of her chair and dragged kes into her ready room by her ears. (Cassandra ) 'Would you care to repeat what you just said to me now?'

'Anything you say, @ssmunch!'

'You better explain, young lady.'

'Explain what, You fat b@stard?'

'Fat bas...Kes, I'm a size four. Why have you become a trash mouth all of a sudden? Mr. Paris isn't even that bad.'

'You should hear him when he cums in my mouth.'

'H-he came..? In your....?'

'F*ck no! Don't you recognize sarcasm, you slippery clit?'

'Kes, If you insult me one more time, you'll be cleaning plasma manifolds for the rest of the way home with a toothbrush.'

'Which reminds me, Captain Cunt, thanks for letting me borrow yours to comb my pubes!'

Janeway pulled a bar of soap and some duc-tape from her desk... The foul-mouthed Kes was going to get it now!

But all of a sudden, the ship rocked with a bang and the sound of the red alert klaxon. Janeway sighed and just as she was about to open the door, the alarm stopped. She stormed onto the bridge, only to find a wide grinning First Commander telling her he accidentally hit a button while reaching for his bag of popcorn. She was just about to wipe that grin off his face, when she remembered Kes, who was still in her ready room. Not a second later, Kes burst through the door, running as fast as she could.

It didn't take long for the severely pissed Janeway to go running after her. 'Get your arse back here young lady!'

'Fat chance, old-timer!!!' Kes was really getting the hang of it and she considered going to the holodeck the practice a bit on the holocharactors. But first, she had to loose a certain Captain, who's face was glowing red with anger. Unfortunately this seemed much easier than it was. Each second, Janeway was closing up on Kes....

'You run pretty fast for an old Fart, B*tch!' Kes yelled back at Janeway.

'And when I catch you, young lady, you going to rule the day you were born!'

Faster and faster they ran, Until finally Janeway caught Kes by the hair. Kes started b*tch-slapping Janeway, But finally, Janeway gained the upper hand when she whapped Kes in the face. 'Now you just stop this!' Janeway told her.

In one sarcastic swoop, Kes planted a kiss on Janeways cheek. 'I just love it when you're angry.'

'Kes, what is the meaning of all this?'

'Just having fun, you wet, bearded clam!'

'At my expense!'

'Get over it, you fuzzy taco!'

'Fuzzy taco?' Neelix said in wonderment, 'Is that an Earth cuisine noone told me about?'

'Shut up, Neelix!' Both Kes and Janeway shouted at the exact same time. Neelix looked shocked and hurt. 'Well, fine! I don't have to take this! I'm leaving!' He stormed off.

'Kes, what the Hel...Heck has gotten into you?' Janeway asked her again. Kes stuck her tongue out at the Captain, but Janeway grabbed it, and, to her astonishment, Discovered that Kes's tongue was stretchable! So she yanked it until it was three feet long and tied it in a knot. 'There!' Janeway teased, 'Now try saying bad words!'

'Tu mufer uckin itch, I suid uckinc deap uu ta fulf!'

Kes ran from the mess hall in search for the only person she knew would help her now...

~~~~

'Ehhsd se died hi onge u ike his!' Kes indicated her dilemma to the amused Paris 'I can't help you, sorry'

'VAT?!'

'I saw that Janeway had the duc-tape ready. You put her in a mood, Kes...I don't want to go through THAT again. You're on your own.'

'Vel, u an issss m'ath hile Ah pharT!' with the last coincident she spat in the helmsman's direction.

'I can't, Kes. I like my tongue right where it is.'

'Hath knot vat u thedd clasT ite, itch!'

'Do you kiss you mother with that mouth?'

'Ah gesth id! AEY his ant unny! et ack eeere, oo cwivaren kun fussle!'

After the reformed Paris (reformed because he feared the wrath of the duc-tape) left Kes to pout in his quarters, she decided she needed a translator. Who could translate. A universal translator might help, but it just seemed so boring! And why do that when you are speaking something that sounded so much like klinonese anyway? Her tongue-tied mouth smiled mischievously as she headed out the door to the engine room. Oh, this was going to be fun...

~~~

When Kes arrived in the engine room, She realized noone saw her coming so she took the opportunity to duck behind one of the unmanned control panels. No sign of B'Elanna as she glanced around, so she decided to fake her orders over her own com badge. And hiding behind a console, she would have a front row view of the action. A mean, un-Kes-like smile spread across her white face. 'Et uore ashesh en ear!' she giggled to herself as she watched the technicians scamble like they were being caught in the act of doing something rude.

'Torres is pissed! She's talking Klingon again!' One of them yelled.

'Ahem...' The voice was nearly a centimeter from the back of her neck, and she turned slowly to find herself face to face with Neelix. The Talaxian decided to help the Ocampa out for old times' sake. Quickly he untied her tongue, as always, marveling at the incredible flexibility of it.

'Thanks, @sswhipe!' Kes said.

'You're welcome, cocksucker!' The Talaxian retorted. This foul-mouthed thing had definite possibilities.

'You just wait till tonight, you mother-humper!' Kes grinned.

~~~

Meanwhile, The Doctor was talking to Janeway: 'I believe that Kes has contracted a contagious version of Tourettes Syndrome...At least, that's what I think it's called. As long as Lt. Torres is too busy to repair my database, I can't be sure...' He stopped because it dawned on him that the Captain was trying to say something.

'Doctor. You said 'contagious'. Does this mean others can get this as well?' (V'ger )

'What the f*ck do you think, you tit?'

~~~~

'Forgive me father, for I have sinned...'

'Tom? What are you talking about?'

'...I said the 'F' word.'

'Futon?'

'Harry, I'm serious...I cannot go on like this!' Paris suddenly burst into tears.

Harry was truly baffled. Tom Paris doesn't cry. this could only mean he was seriously ill or hallucinating... 'Kim to sickbay! Medical emergency!'

~~~~~

'He's caught the virus, Captain, in rare friggin form, I might add.'

'What the f*ck are you talking about, you cum crusted...'

'Because he is such a trash mouth in the first place, the virus has the opposite effect on the dumb f*ck.'

'Well, what the hell do we do with him now?'

'I'm gonna have to sedate his sorry @$$, because I can't deal with his annoying, self righteous, hypocritical pie hole.'

'Do it, you bad @$$! Let's go toke it!'

~~~~~

Kes and Neelix walked onto the bridge and straight up to Commander Chakotay.

'Kes, have you calmed down yet?'

'F*ck you.'

'I think it's time to get in touch with your animal guide.'

'F*ck your animal guide!!!' Kes and Neelix yelled in unison.

Chakotay got sick at the idea. 'you don't even know what my animal guide looks like!'

'All of you shut the f*ck up!' Janeway screamed. To her surprise, they all obeyed. 'Okay, now that I've got your fu... your attention, d@mmit! I want you to get it through your thick skulls that this is not some @ssf*ckin...I mean, Not a Joke! this is some serious shi...problem, And I want you bottom licking mother f...you people to treat it as such, or I'll have all you sh*t f*cking @ssholes in the brig, get it!? Oh, Sh*t!' And she shook her head in frustration.

'Er...Captain Dripcunt...No! Janeway!' Harry looked near tears at his faux pas, 'Maybe it would help if the @sslicking...er the Doctor could find a way to use the cocksuckers...the different variety of the virus that F*ck face.. Tom has on the rest of the sh*t..crew!' And he turned away, his face burning. Now he was never going to be promoted!

'Not a bad f*cking idea.' Chakotay said, and slapped his hand to his mouth. Janeway didn't say anything. She just mouthed to the Doctor: F*cking do it.

~~~~

'Get the hell over here you f*cking test rat!!!'

'Why's he being so mean to me?' Paris cried as the Doctor strapped him to the main bio bed.

''Cause you're a freak. A f*ckin' ugly one, at that.' The Doctor added. 'If I didn't need you so much, I'd toss you in the replicator and the crew would be wiping their @$$es on your face. Now hold still, this won't hurt a bit!'

'AAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHJHH!!!! I thought you said it wouldn't hurt!!!'

'Yeah, I also said you were the best pilot in the quadrant, so shut the f*ck up.'

The tearful Paris stared up at the crew that claimed to be his friends...deep down inside, he knew it was all for the better. This torture the Doctor was putting him through; It was all for the good of the crew, but alot of it seemed unnecessary. Like that rectal probe an hour ago? What was that all about? And what about 15 minutes ago when the Doctor wanted to test his reflexes by bending his fingers back all the way?

Why must he undergo this torture when all he wanted to do was sing?

'I think we found the cure, Captain B*tch.' The Doctor held up the vial before the bewildered Captain.'

'Damn. It's about f*cking time.'

'Yeah, no kidding.' The bloodied Paris weezed.

'SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!' Said the entire senior staff.

'Kes, get your little @$$ over here so I can inject it with the serum!'

The pixie strutted right up to the Doctor, lifted her skirt and dropped her leggings to reveal a full moon. Torres started whistling 'Bad Moon Rising'

'There's a bathroom on the right...' Tuvok sang along.

'Woooooopieeeee!' Kes let out as the Doctor injected her left cheek.

'Who's next?'

The entire staff raised their hands all at once. 'Me!' 'F*ck off it's me!' 'F*ck off I wanna be next! Shut the f*ck...'

'F*CK OFF, THE LOT OF YOU!!!' The Doctor said. 'You'll all get your turn if you just form a line.'

Suddenly everyone started beating the crap out of each other just to get in first. Paris started sobbing and Kes, being cured already, replicated a shot gun and fired it at the above deck. 'Ouch!' It was a shame the floors were so thin...

The room went silent.

'The next person who says anything gets it in the...' Kes searched for the right word.

'@$$?' Tuvok provided.

'Cheeks?' Chakotay suggested.

'Fart factory?' said Kim.

'I was going to say 'face'.'

'Ouch.' Janeway mused.

'Okay.' Kes said. 'Captain, your first. I think we'll go by rank here. Yes, that's right, Chakotay, you're next...' As the crew lined up, the Doctor administered the shots one by one.

'It's a relief that's over.' Janeway said to Kes, a few minutes later as the left sickbay.

'I know, Captain. I also learned a valuable lesson.'

'And that is?'

'Swearing can be alot of fun.'

'Kes.' Janeway warned.

'But not on a show designed by paramount!'

'That's better.'

The staff filed out of sickbay, including the Doctor, who decided he needed a bit of RnR on the holodeck.

'Uh, guys...'Paris struggled against his restraints. 'What about me....'

~~~~~~~The End~~~~