(fore note. A room with a PC in it. David Hopper looks up from it in surprise)
David: Oh hi, I'm the guy writing this story As well as the prequels of course, and various other
stories you may have read here at some point.
Voice: GET ON WITH IT!
David: Now you may be wondering why I'm doing this little segment before the parody proper starts here,
when I haven't really done a segment like this before. OK, I've done bits where I've featured IN my
work, but never as a (David thinks for a while) before hand
thingie. Yeah, that's about right. Anyhow,
I'm just here to remind you to read the prequels BEFORE you read this if you've just randomly clicked
here. Having knowledge of either the X-files or the 80's cartoon series Transformers and their 90's spin
off Beast Wars would also help. Forget Animorphs, their not part of the Transformers continuity despite
what Hasbro may think. Familiarity with the fandom element of both series would also help. Before you
read this you should also note that this parodyfeatures: Bad language, sexual innuendo and vague
description of sexual encounters of a robotic nature, but not actually going into detail about those
sort of things. As for why I'm doing this before hand
thingie, well I know that some of you may be
wondering just why I've never done it before. It's because I find it well, unfunny, pathetic and frankly
badly written in most cases. (sarcasm reaching Blackadder levels now) And anyhow, it's nothing more then
pathetic attention grabbing really. (yeup, no doubt about it, David is now looking down his nose at these
people) Of course there have been some exceptions, but to name these few rare occasions when these bits
have been any fun would then point out the names of people who have done a crappy job. I can't really think
why Idid this- what's that noise? Sounds like the trampling of dozens of feet belonging to enraged writers
to the Slightly Warped Website. (Looks out a window) Oh crap
(David legs it as hordes of enraged
parodywriters and their friends charge in to the room and wreck the place about a bit.)
(Insert Benny Hill style chase scene, with David being chased by several enraged writers coming after him -
armed with bits of debris. They "run" past a couple of houses, a duck pond, a bus stop, a beach covered in
litter and eventually end up coming towards a big building which they all enter. A few minutes pass, and
David comes out shaking the hand of a man in a white coat holding a fly net. As David leaves the camera
pans up to read the sign on the building. "Mental Institution")
More Than Meets the Files Part IV
Target 2000: It Ain't Over Till The Mad Bot Screams
An obscenely longX-files/Transformers crossover parody, featuring
cameos from other cartoon shows, and any other Sci Fi shows I feel like
throwing in randomly.
By David "Please God, make it stop, please. OHHHH PLEASE!" Hopper
Gust stars:
Optimus Primal's sex slave harem (various proto humans) playing the Star Wars theme tune - on the Triangle.
Tracks human boy toy and his gang of 80's stereotyped ethnic minorities. Mulders stack of porno mags.
Evidence enough that this man has not gotten any for about ten years. If he has indeed ever gotten any.
(Mulders office. The camera is looking down from corner of the ceiling. Text appears on screen: "FBI
headquarters, 11 October 1999." There are no signs of any decorations of course. Mulder is sitting in his
chair, looking at the wall. A TV and video is in one corner of the room showing static. Mulder picks up the
remote for it and hits the rewind button. The camera moves down from it's looking-down-from-the-top-of-the-
room position, and slowly goes over to the tv, then the filing cabinet, a desk, finally approaching Mulders
feet and travelling up his body and settling on his face. Mulder is as expressionless as normal, in fact we
can barely tell if he's breathing at all. He's more statue like then normal. Scully walks in and notices
this little fact and starts to get worried that Mulder has finally died of boredom.)
Scully: Mulder?
Mulder: (starts tapping his face with the remote) Scully?
Scully: You called me here?
Mulder: Scully, I got something really weird. It's so weird even I can't explain it or come up with some
crackpot theory for, that your only going to dismiss like you do every time and come up with some rational
explanation. Which by the end of the episode is going to be proved wrong while my theory is right, again.
Only we won't be able to prove this due to an amazing lack of evidence due to our incompetence. (Mulder goes
back to hitting his face lightly with the remote)
Scully: What is it?
Mulder: A tape, a normal everyday VHS tape. But we're on it.
Scully: So it's a security tape or something?
Mulder: Something, yeah. You remember what happened about a year ago? The Autobots?
Scully: Those big giant robots that Skinner is now saying were some sort of Russian weapon which was
captured or sold to some militant organisation from one of the former Soviet countries that broke away
from the USSR who simply want it for the hell of it?
Mulder: Yeah, I was wondering why he started saying that myself. He had read our report, it's as if someone
had brainwashed him.
Scully: You need to have a brain before it can be washed. Now, the tape?
Mulder: It's of us Scully, and it's got the Autobots in it as well. Only I don't remember the events in it
ever happening. Yet.
Scully: What? Mulder, what are you saying?
Mulder: It might be better to play the tape itself. Let you see it, draw your own conclusions. (Hits play
on the remote) We're in a bit, sporadically actually.
Scully: (suspicious) Mulder, do you know what that word means?
Mulder: (sulks) No, not really.
Scully: Well don't use words you don't understand.
(the tape plays on, the camera zooms in slowly as this happens. Eventually filling the screen with the image
on the monitor. A voice starts talking.)
Narrator: The year is 2010, Autobot leader Optimus Prime is now dead and buried, or at least believed to
have been blown up after his zombiefied corpse flew a ship into a star. (Don't ask, it's a long story
anyhow. And I'm mixing comic book and cartoon story lines for this one) And Rodimus Prime has assumed
command once more.
(brief shot of Mulder and Scully exchanging glances. Mulder shrugs. Back to tape. On board the Autobot
vessel Ark 2 - registration number 11011001011010101010101010101010101-010111110000010100100101010101010111
1110111010010111-0101000110 {sound of someone taking a deep breath} Rodimus Prime is pacing back and forth)
Narrator: Rodimus has found the stress of command a lot harder then his predecessor had, partly because he
became a "Leader Of The People".
(the image of Rodimus pacing is replaced with a shot of an Autobot shuttle at Autobot City Earth, with him
stepping off it. Cameras start flashing as he gets off and waves at everyone and turns to speak to speak to
the US president. There's a squelching noise and Rodimus looks at his feet worried. Another shot shows
Rodimus visiting a shanty town full of out of work Transformers on Cybertron. The robots have a definite
case of rust infection. A couple of the robots try to beg for energon from Rodimus but before he can do
anything, Ultra Magnus and Springer leap in with truncheons and batter the poor bots to the ground. Another
shot shows Rodimus trying to shakes hands with Gears in a control room but getting kicked in his shins for
his trouble. Another shot of Rodimus kissing a new born baby robot. (don't ask, just DON'T ask.) A shot of
Rodimus being escorted to safety after Tracks shows up in the street with a few things that you do not want
to even guess about. Rodimus in a hospital visiting Tracks who has both his legs in plasters (don't even
think about it) and Gears who has a strange case of rust infection and is in quarantine. Rodimus looks at
Ultra Magnus and Springer with an annoyed look, both whistle innocently to themselves and
make various "who us? We're innocent boss" type looks. Back to the office, Scully rolls her eyes back.)
Narrator: Whereas Optimus Prime had quite wisely decided to keep distance between himself and his troops,
allowing only a few select warriors to be in his "inner circle". This "Leader Of The People" angle led to
Rodimus becoming a manic depressive. (shot of Rodimus in his quarters late at night, with big puffed up
eyes. Clearly he's had no sleep for hours and he's looking at various pill bottles.) His depression however
was also caused in part due to the incompetence of his aides. (the camera angel changes so we see Mulder
and Scully in the office.)
Scully: Almost sounds like Skinner.
Mulder: Shh. Popcorn?
Scully: Go on then.
(Back to the video and a shot of the Autobot command centre. Ultra Magnus is getting on everyone's nerves
by reciting a speech that can't be heard due to the crunching of pop corn out of shot. Kup is babbling
about how he took a beating at some planet with a huge monster on it. Springer is hitting on Arcee. Wreck-
Gar is watching TV. Rodimus is popping anti depressants like no bodies business.)
Narrator: A similar situation was experienced by FBI Director Walter Skinner.
(Skinners office. Text appears: "FBI headquarters 13 October 2000". The room looks shaken up and the bald
one is fumeing over Mulders latest report. There's no sign whatsoever of any kind of new year celebrations
ever having been up. The pop corn munching increases.)
Scully: (voice over from Mulders office) Excuse me? This is when?
Mulder: (ditto) Shhh.
Skinner: He expects me to believe this stuff? He must be on crack. Again.
Cancerman: Even I find it hard to believe. And I was there.
Skinner: What are you doing here?
Krychek: Just passing through. (puts on shades and pulls out the flashy thing from Men In Black, flashes
Skinner and takes the report off him) Now, you lost track of time because you were watching, oh I dunno.
Some crap kids show. Pokemon will do, yeah. You were watching Pokemon and you lost track of time due to
the inane crappyness of it. (the munching of pop corn stops)
Scully: (voice over from Mulders office) Well, that might answer that question about Skinner from earlier.
Mulder: (likewise) Didn't you check the date there, or had you forgotten? This is a few days into the
future. This hasn't happened yet.
Cancerman: (shakes head) What happened to the good old days of just killing people who knew too much?
Krychek: Still, I can't believe no ones thought of using this MIB thingie in parodies before now.
(Cut back to the Ark 2 in 2010. The self same aides from before and Grimlock (T-Rex mode) have came in now.)
Rodimus: About time. I called this meeting an hour ago.
Springer: Well, Arcee and I had
things
to do.
Rodimus: Things as in, each other. Right?
Springer: Yeah, say you got any spare oil lubricant on you?
Rodimus: (pause) (miffed) Sit
Down
Kup: Say, this reminds me of the meeting we had last week.
Arcee: Well it was in the same room.
Kup: It is? You sure it wasn't the room underneath?
Grimlock: Me Grimlock LOVE Kups babbling.
Kup: Your listening to it now.
Rodimus: Are you lot going to listen to me or not? I did call this meeting for a reason.
Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Wreck -Gar: (Impersonating Dr Evil) Hush Scott.
Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Wreck -Gar: Hush.
Ultra Magnus: I can't -
Wreck -Gar: SH!
Ultra Magnus: I c-
Wreck -Gar: SHHH!!!
(Ultra Magnus stays hush, Wreck-Gar does the pinkie thing.)
Springer: This guy CAN be useful.
Wreck-Gar: (Austin Powers) Shall we shag now, or later?
Springer: (drags his chair away) Then again.
Arcee: It would be better if he sounded more like the character he was impersonating, and not Eric Idle.
Rodimus: (rubs temples) Why do I bother?
Wreck-Gar: (to Rodimus) Captain Janeway, what's wrong?
Rodimus: Uh? What's he on about this time?
Grimlock: Me not know. Him your friend.
Arcee: (whispered) We have GOT to get him some speech therapy lessons.
Springer: I think he's saying that it's a good impression of Janeway you've got going there.
Rodimus: Your always trying to put me down.
Springer: Hey, I did win the babe after all. (hugs Arcee)
Rodimus: And I'm real happy for you. (reaches down for something)
Kup: Lad, put that gun away.
Magnus: Was there ever a reason for this meeting?
Springer: Gee, when he says something sensible, you know the writers are desperate to get on with the plot
development.
Rodimus: Plot? Since when did we bother with that in season 3?
Springer: (hangs head) I know, I know.
Rodimus: Anyhow, he's right. (stands up, and goes to a viewscreen) As you can remember. Ten years ago, we
all had to team up with these two humans. (shots of Mulder and Scully are displayed - Magnus and Springer
shudder at the memories)Except Wreck-Gar who we only met five years ago, about a day after Optimus Prime
died. Two days ago, both of these FBI agents were found dead, bound, gagged and naked in Agent Mulders bed.
Scully: (voice over and under breath) Yeah, right. As if.
(Magnus, Kup and Springer break down laughing)
Springer: Those two? Together? Don't make me laugh.
Magnus: That's about as likely as Grimlock or Perceptor making sense.
Rodimus: I know. But stranger things have happened.
Magnus: You becoming leader for a start.
Kup: Yeah, that threw me.
Rodimus: And me too- HEY!
Magnus: Sorry.
Rodimus: Anyhow, suspicions were aroused not by the fact that they were in bed together, but simply by the
fact that they were in a bed in agent Mulder's apartment.
Kup: What's so weird about that?
Wreck-Gar: (Game show host, any game show host you care to imagine) And the answer is
Rodimus: Mulder never slept. He didn't even own a bed.
Springer: But even we have beds.
Arcee: (to Springer) So that's what that thing is you were wanting to use.
Springer: Er, no. The bed is the thing we were lying on. That other thing was a-
Rodimus: AHEM!
(everyone stops starring at Springer and looks at Rodimus)
Rodimus: Right, I sent a couple of Micro Masters in there, and they found a rather familiar energeon trail
in there. One that could only have came from a Transformer from our Generation, or possibly a previous one.
Springer: Do you mean our generation as in you and me? A previous generation like Magnus, or an older
generation like Kup who should by rights be in a nursing home? But not someone from a younger generation
like Grimlock or Arcee?
Rodimus: As in it -
Wreck-Gar: (The Rock) It doesn't matter WHAT generation it is.
Magnus: SH!
Wreck-Gar: But-
Magnus: HUSH!
Wreck-Gar: B-
Magnus: QUIET!
Wreck-Gar: (grumbles) Jahbroni.
Rodimus: Dear Primus, why couldn't I have had a competent inner circle, like Optimus did?
Kup: But most of his inner circle is dead, like him.
Magnus: And their not popular enough to bring back from the dead.
Springer: (jumps on the chance to annoy Rodimus even more) Optimus Prime, who could live up to that?
Kup: Well, there was Alpha Trion, and the board of elders.
Springer: I meant as a war hero, grandad.
Kup: I didn't know we were related.
Springer: (taps Kup on his face) It's called sarcasm, Kup. Look it up- Wha? (Springer realises he's on the
floor with his arm locked behind his back, courtesy of Kup.) What the?
Kup: It's called Akido, kid, look it up.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock LOVE Kup's self defence classes.
Kup: Your watching it now.
(Rodimus puts his face in his right hand, and shakes it dejectedly)
Narrator: And so it was that chain of events that made Rodimus Prime assemble his team to investigate the
deaths of Agent Mulder and Scully. By choosing robots he had never worked with as leader.
(Scully stops the tape, things go back to the office.)
Scully: So your telling me, that sometime in the future, we are going to die? Murdered in your bed?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: And that moron is going to be trying to figure out who did it?
Mulder: It doesn't leave much hope, does it?
(Mulder hits play, the tape resumes. Rodimus is now talking to Nightbeat the Autobots greatest detective,
and his partner Siren. Nightbeat is wearing a leather deerstalker cap, a strange curly moustache and is
smoking a pipe.)
Rodimus: So, your the greatest living Autobot detective then?
Nightbeat: Oui.
Rodimus: Er, right. So, have you seen the case file?
Nightbeat: Oui.
Rodimus: And you've solved the case?
Nightbeat: Oui, ze little grey cells were working. (Siren whispers something to him) Excuse moi, messieur.
My associate has reminded me, that I have a CPU, not little grey cells. But never ze less sir, the case it
was how you say, elementary, my dear leader.
Rodimus: Aren't you two head masters? Your Nebulan partners should have grey cells, they are after all
organic. Kinda like humans.
(Scully stops the tape)
Scully: Remind me what a head master is.
Mulder: A robot whose head transforms into a human or otherwise organic alien.
Scully: Why?
Mulder: (shrugs) Crappy sales angle for the toyline I guess.
(The tapes resumes)
Siren: (whispers to Rodimus) He's a clone sir. The original Nightbeat body and his partner died sometime
ago. This is the original head on a rebuilt body. (whispers with more emphasis) He doesn't know this sir,
it might drive him mad you see, we had to do a little reprogramming to get him up to date on current events,
but we didn't tell him about his death. Or the Headmaster process either. We erased all the information he
had on that.
Rodimus: I wondered why I saw Prowl writing a parking ticket for a coffee machine the other day. I thought
he had died at the hands of Keanu Reeves back in 1999.
Siren: (goes back to whispering) Yes, the cloning process in that case was of an entire body. The mind is a
bit more difficult to recreate. At the moment, it's all based on using recordings of them we have from log
entries, battle sequences and memory engrams of others robots memories of them. It's very difficult to get
right. Sometimes they end up taking their jobs too seriously, Prowl is the best work to date. But with
Nightbeat, as I said, we had to do some editing since we had some memories to work with already.
Rodimus: Well that explains the French accent and the stupid hat, pipe and moustache. But why are we doing
this? Who's behind it?
Siren: Perceptor is trying to bring Optimus Prime back from the dead.
Rodimus: Why doesn't he just rebuild the body like all those other times? (he thinks about it) He's trying
to replace me?
Siren: Well, he does have everyone else's consent sir.
Rodimus: What? But, Wreck-Gar never even met Optimus. How can Perceptor have HIS consent?
Siren: Wreck-Gar saw adverts with Prime in them, sir.
Rodimus: Great. If it's not one thing it's another.
Siren: And the fans are massing letter writing campaigns to bring him back too, sir.
Rodimus: (realisation hits him full on) No body likes me. (breaks down in tears)
Siren: Tracks likes you. Or at least he likes your thighs.
Rodimus: (snapping) Tracks likes little boys. That doesn't really help ME! How can the fans not like me? And
what are you doing looking at my legs?
Siren: (pause, Siren tries not to turn red with embarrassment) With all due respect sir, your action figure
has the poseability of the Statue of Liberty models I've seen humans buying. You've got the leadership
abilities of blind man on a mountain climbing exhibition, and the charisma of a turd. That and you always
bring out the worst in people.
Rodimus: Tell me about it. I thought you were the quiet type. You've done nothing but insult me. Any other
leader would have you on a charge for that. Well, there is First-Aid, he's changed a lot, became more quiet,
more caring.
Siren: He took a knock on the head sir.
Rodimus: (pause) So, the fans are against me, my men are against me. No wonder Arcee is shacking up with
Springer.
Siren: Well, maybe if you had allowed her to have quarters of her own instead of trying to get her to shack
up with you.
Rodimus: Who told you that?
Siren: Everyone in the colonies know.
Rodimus: What, both of the colonies? Right. Ok. Was there a reason for your being here?
Siren: Nightbeat was about to reveal who the murderer was.
Rodimus: Ah, yes. He was.
(they wait five minutes for Nightbeat to start talking. After a while Siren takes his pulse.)
Siren: He's dead sir.
Rodimus: Strange, I never realised we had pulses.
Siren: It's his pump sir. It's stopped. Slight flaw with the clones you see. They have a limited life span
since we're using human built parts. It was properly made in Taiwan.
Rodimus: Oh well. So who did it?
Siren: Did what sir?
Rodimus: Killed Mulder and Scully.
Siren: I don't know sir.
Rodimus: What? You're his partner, and you didn't know? What were you doing?
Siren: Well, he does all the work you see. He never tells me anything until he tells the person concerned,
and then we let Prowl arrest them, only he's so incompetent these days they get away, and he goes after
them. Only it's more like the Keystone cops if you get my meaning. Drama you see sir. All the great
Detectives do it. Did Watson ever know what Sherlock was thinking? Did Poirot ever telling Captain Hastings
who the murderer was before he picked the unlucky person out of the list of suspects as long as your arm?
Rodimus: No your right. They didn't. Well, that leaves us with just one course of action. We're going to
have to just go back in time and prevent these deaths.
Siren: Sir, is time travel possible?
Rodimus: I have my resources.
Narrator: And so Rodimus Prime made use of his resources.
(Perceptor's lab. Perecptor is looking very worried while Rodimus holds him at gun point. A glowing
doorway/portal is seen on the other side of the room. Ultra Magnus, Springer, Wreck-Gar, Grimlock, Arcee, Kup
and Blaster and Blurr are also present and all looking tense.)
Perceptor: Rodimus Prime this is most unbecoming of a leader. This goes against all the conventions in
our terms of employment.
Rodimus: Get on with it, or I will tell Tracks about your collection of Barbara Streisand CDs.
Perceptor: Hmm, okay, very well. I will proceed with your unwise and increasingly stupendous "Request".
Rodimus: How come you've survived two seasons on the tv show?
Perceptor: Unlike you, I have a fan base.
Rodimus: How come? No one can understand a word you say.
Perceptor: Prehaps it because my toy is actually challenging and even educational. A microscope is far
better then some cheap "truck". Besides, people fail to grasp the reason why you became our leader.
Rodimus: Where's the cloning facility by the way?
Perceptor: Over there, but why? (gunshot, explosion) Ah, well there goes four years of research.
(in Earth, more text appears "FBI HQ. November 11 2000" Mulder's office. Mulder staggers in drunk. This is
still on the tape by the way.)
Mulder: Damn Y2K bug finally kicked in. My computer isn't working. The lights are out. Everything is gone.
Humanity is back at the level of the Neanderthals. The true millennium MUST be the year 2001 after all. Oh
woah is us. What shall ever become of humanity now? We all know what happened to the Neanderthals, a supiour
race of humans took over from them. So what could possibly replace Homo Sapiens? Homo Nerdious?
Scully: Try turning the computer on at the switch and turn the light switch on you twerp.
Mulder: Oh.
Scully: (holds up a paper) Listen to this Mulder. "Giant robots were seen materialising in Congress in
front of several politicians." What a load of crap. Mulder?
(Mulders gone, seat rotating, papers fluttering, Mulder shaped hole in the wall right next to where the
open door is. etc)
Scully: (holds head) Not again.
(Scully follows and finds Mulder arguing over a car)
Scully: What is going on here now?
Mulder: I want to use this car to get to congress.
Cancerman: This is my car.
Scully: He's got a point Mulder. Now leave the Assassin stroke conspiraciesest stroke author alone.
Mulder: You're a writer?
Cancerman: Yeah, but I gave it up after I realised that if I ever published it, I'd have to kill everyone
who ever read it.
Mulder: Makes sense. You really want to have the same number of readers alive after they've read the book
as you had when they started reading the book.
Cancerman: (thinks about it) Yeah. Yeah, I do. Now, where are you two off to, anyhow?
Mulder: There's been another X-file right outside congress.
Cancerman: Oh no, not another Clinton affair.
Mulder: X-file, not sex file. X. Ech. Ech.
Cancerman: You got something stuck in your throat?
Mulder: No, I'm trying to tell you the name of the files I work in.
(Mulder gets into the car Scully has now requisitioned and they drive off.)
Scully: Mulder, why did you tell him that?
Mulder: He asked. It's just manors.
Scully: Mulder, that man has tried to kill you so many times I've lost count. Did it occur to you that he
may use that information to try to kill you again?
Mulder: No. No he wouldn't Scully. He made a Millennium year resolution to stop that kinda thing.
Scully: Mulder, I am of the opinion that the millennium is next year.
Mulder: But he promised. He promised damnit. Hey, what are you doing driving?
(back in the car park we see Cancerman leave and enter a sub room where Krychek meets him)
Krychek: Well?
Cancerman: He told me everything. Weird how he does that instead of doing what he should do. Grab me by the
lapels and call me a black lunged son of a bitch before beating me to an inch of my life as he could easily
do seeing since I'm just an old and decrepit fart.
Krychek: Just as well I spiked his drink with cocaine isn't it?
Cacnerman: Skinner must have been right then. Mulder is on drugs. Even if he doesn't know it.
(tape stop)
Scully: Mulder, I've said it before, I'll say it again. You are a freaking idiot man.
(Scully hits the wrong button and a since this IS a tape player with two tapes, the other tapes starts and
we see a shot of Cancerman filling up his car with fuel, while ignoring the no smoking sign. Suddenly
there's a massive explosion as the flakes from Cancermans cig flake off and hit some spilt oil that ignites
a small slither of the oil that leads next to a leaking pump. Cut to a wide angle of the mushroom cloud
style exploding building, debris and fireworks are flying everywhere and a huge crowd has got together to
see what the heck's going on.)
Leslie Neilson: OK folks, nothing to see here, nothing to see. Please disperse. Go home. Nothing to see
here.
(Cancerman walks out of the fire unharmed right past Neilson. Scully groans and stops the second tape. The
other tape resumes. Mulder and Scully have now pulled up at a psychics shop Mulder has been wanting to go
to. As they leave the car and approach the building on foot we hear a loud voice yelling something)
Voice of Optimus Prime: THANKS A BUNCH!
Scully: Mulder, what is the point of coming here anyhow?
Mulder: (shrugs) I dunno.
(suddenly a psychic dressed in various mystical runes comes flying out of the window, glass going
everywhere. Optimus Prime comes out as well through what's left of the window. Since he's three times bigger
then the shop is when he's standing the building is torn apart as he gets up.)
Prime: Damn psychics.
Mulder: What did he tell you? Some bad news?
Prime: Yeah, I just wanted to know the football results for the super bowl, not when I'm next due to die.
Least I've got five years. Waitaminute. Mulder, Scully?
Mulder: Hi.
Prime: What are you doing here?
Scully: We're on a case.
Mulder: Several robots were seen materialising in front of congress.
Prime: That could be the work of the Decepticons. I'd better get my troops in place.
Scully: What's it to you?
Prime: Life is the right of all sentient beings. The Decepticons don't respect that about anyone.
Mulder: What about that psychic you've just turned into a stain on the ground?
Prime: Bah, he got what was coming. (imitating Psychic) "I see the end
Prime, YOUR end." Bastard. Anyhow, what's that case of yours got to do with a psychic?
Mulder: (shrugs) I dunno.
Prime: Gah. Idiots. (transforms and rolls off)
Scullly: Where DOES that trailer section of his come from?
Mulder: Up his @$$!
Scully: You would look, wouldn't you?
Mulder: It was a joke you know.
TV Scully and real life Scully: Try emoting. It would help.
(Back on the road, where Mulder is now driving in curvy lines and cutting people off all the time. Scully is
looking out of her window bored.)
Scully: Cars these days are looking weirder all the time.
Mulder: What do you mean?
Scully: Well you see those two trucks over there? There's one that looks like Optimus Prime, only with a
trailer for transporting cars on it.
Mulder: What's so weird about that?
Scully: There's a huge metal T-Rex inside it's trailer pulling faces at passing motorists, and a huge
transformer sized motorbike.
Mulder: And the other truck?
Scully: It's bright red and orange, the trailer seems to be built on to the cab, and the cab seems to be
more like a sports car with a really big yellow fin type thing in-between the screen and the trailer bit.
It's the kind of truck you expect a drugged up rockstar to drive.
Mulder: Uh huh. And they call me crazy.
Scully: They call you "Spooky" or "idiot". And then there's that stupid looking green car that looks like
it should be in some kind of car show of the future, back in 1982.
Mulder: Take the wheel Scully. (takes a look behind him) Scully, that transporter is Ultra Magnus.
Scully: You sure?
Mulder: (still looking behind him) You remember what happened last year at Oregon?
Scully: (Takes another look.) Oh yeah, it does look like him
Mulder: (still looking behind) And those other vechiles look like Hot Rod and Springer.
Scully: So that's what they transform into? Weird. Their designers must have been on crack. So much for
being robots in disguise, how are they supposed to hide when they look like that?
Mulder: I'm sure there's (pause) more then meets the eye (pause) to this.
Scully: What's with those pauses? And why aren't you watching where your going?
Mulder: I've got complete control of this- OH SHI-!!!!!
(At which point Mulder crashes the car since he wasn't looking where he was going. Cut back to FBI
headquarters. Cancerman and Krychek are boarding a red/blue/white jet fighter that's parked on top of the
roof. There's purples badges on top of the wings. The tape stops yet again, and the camera swings off the
TV onto Scully in Mulders office.)
Scully: How the hell is that thing supposed to get there?
Mulder: It flew there.
Scully: It's a freaking roof top. How is a military jet with out VTOL capabilities supposed to land there?
Mulder: Watch and learn, Scully. Watch and learn. And stop pausing the tape like that, your going ruin it
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Next week on Celebrity Death match: Captain Kirk versus, The Fonz.
Johnny Gomez: It's a battle of the (looks a card in his hand) babe magnets? Nick, that's ther last tiem we
let the contestants write their own introductions.
Nick Diamond: That right folks, it's certain to be brutal.
Fonz: Eyyyy.
Kirk: My
girdles snapped. I'm
defenceless
Oh my.
Fonz: Eeyyyy.
Johnny: And it looks like it could be brutal.
(Fonz kicks Kirk in the belly, rebounding off the flab and sending him into the crowd)
Nick: But it could go either way.
(Fonz drives in to the ring on his bike. Kirk phasers off the front wheel)
CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH! LETS GET IT ON!
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(tape resumes)
Krychek: Why don't we just take a car? Or a train, or a bus?
Cancerman: Sh, you'll like this.
Starscream: Hi, I'm Starscream. Fly me.
Krychek: Another Transformer?
Starscream: Yes, thankfully you've hooked up with the most intelligent, cunning, handsome, scheming,
treacherous, most graceful, most skilful
Decepticon of all times.
Krycek: Hmm, there's something familiar here.
Starscream: Such as?
Krychek: Face it, you've got your own agenda, you don't like the people your with or working for, you've got
an effeminate image, your always getting beating up and you're a complete coward?
Starscream: Yes, yes it is true. Most people catch onto those things pretty quick, and the other thing.
Thankfully your not like everyone else.
Cancerman: Other thing?
Starscream: Most people think I'm gay for some reason.
Krychek: Knew I was forgetting something.
Starscream: (miffed) Do you want to experience my ejector seat?
Krychek: Er, what did you have in mind there?
Starscream: OH PRIMUS! WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?
Cancerman: Just fly us to Congress.
Starscream: Fine. Either of you two ever experienced Mach 2?
Krycehk: Er
Starscream: Shut up.
Krychek: Where did you find this guy?
Cancerman: A street corner.
(Starscream screams and powers up his engines and blasts off from on top of the building, instantly going
into a nose dive since he didn't have enough speed for take off)
Krychek: (screaming) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I WANT MY MOMMY!
Starscream: Shut up will you. I've got it all under control. Remember, your with me, the mostintelligent,
cunning, handsome, scheming, treacherous, most graceful, most skilful Decepticon of all time.
Krychek: HOW DOES THAT HELP US?
Cancerman: (sarcastic) Not to mention, "happy".
Starscream: I'm the best pilot you've ever flown with.
(Just as it looks like Starscreams about to crash into the ground, he manages to pull up, creating a
downblast of air that knocks most of the cars underneath him all over the place and causing massive
traffic jams.)
Starsceam: See? No human has my piloting skill.
Krychek: Why is this joy stick so phallically shaped?
Starscream: That's a cheap gag. Just because your in my (pause) cockpit
Krychek: That's it, let me out of here.
Cancerman: Oh be quiet, both of you. (lights up cigarette)
Starscream: Oi. I haven't turned off the no smoking light yet.
Krychek: (to self) You've turned me off sex for life.
Starscream: One more word from you human, and you'll find out what it's like to eject at top speed. Now,
about that cigarette, flesh creature.
Cancerman: Look. There isn't even a no smoking light here. You're a military jet for crying out loud.
Starscream: There's always something, isn't there?
(Back at the crash scene. The Autobots are busy trying to help Mulder and Scully)
Rodimus: Lets get them out of there.
Springer: (narrows eyes) Gee, you'd think we'd have thought of that. Wouldn't you?
Rodimus: Just do it.
Sprigner: Sheash. Ok. (pulls out his sword and levers the roof off) That ok with you?
Rodimus: It'll do fine. Wreck-Gar, you're the closest we've got to a medic here. Do what you can for them.
Wreck-Gar: Eh by heck. All the dirty jobs. (picks Mulder up by the scruff of his neck and pokes him with a
finger) Blistering idiot, my speciality isn't humans.
Magnus: What are you trying to say?
Springer: That Rodimus was an idiot to ask him to help them.
Rodimus: (Sighs) I hope the other team is having better luck then we are.
Grimlock: But we found humans? What luck could other team have that better?
Rodimus: (points to a fleeing Japanese tourist) Humans that aren't convinced that your Godzillia.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock LOVE that movie.
Rodimus: You would, wouldn't you?
Mulder: Gah, wha? Where are we? Ekk! I'm several feet off the ground.
Springer: He's woken up.
Rodimus: What about Scully?
Springer: She's out of it.
Mulder: Hot Rod, what's going on?
Rodimus: Erm, I'm Rodimus Prime again.
Mulder: What happened to Optimus Prime?
Springer: He died.
Magnus: Again.
Mulder: But, I was only talking to him this morning.
Rodimus: You were? What year is this?
Mulder: Nineteen ninety ni- er sorry. Two thousand. Everyone's getting caught out on that one. Did you know
people are still having trouble writing the date that ends with a double zero for the year part of the
date?
Rodimus: (trying to stop nodding off to sleep) And?
Mulder: And nothing.
Rodimus: So it's two, zero, zero, zero?
Mulder: Yes.
Rodimus: Ok, which idiot sent us back in time?
Magnus: You did.
Rodimus: I meant who was operating the controls?
Springer: Blurr was. You know sometimes he types faster then the computer can handle, he must have miss hit
a key or something.
Rodimus: Oh well. It's better then that time we time jumped into the mid nineties, and that TV producer
asked us what we called it, (holds up time jump device) and what else we could do with it.
Springer: Yeah. It was weird how he thought we could travel to alternate realities with the time jump.
Mulder: I've got to get Scully out of there. There's no telling what might happen. (turns to look at his
car) What happened to the roof? That's a company car you know. If I can't explain what happened to it, it
comes out of my pay packet.
Springer: (hides sword behind back) With the amount of things you fail to explain you must pay them a lot
out of your pay packet.
Rodimus: Well we got to be careful. If we bump into the present day
Autobots it could cause all kinds of trouble.
Springer: Your afraid Optimus will go nuts if he sees you as our leader?
Rodimus: Well, that's a very good point.
Mulder: You guys are from the future? I was right, time travel is possible. This must be another
conspiracy.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock wonder what that noise is.
Magnus: (points to Wreck-Gars unconscious form lying on the road) That would be Mulder's boring, monotonous
voice, sending Wreck-Gar to sleep.
Mulder: HEY! My voice is not boring.
Magnus: I'd believe you, but I heard a rumour that somewhere there's a man that was going to jump off a
building you tried to talk back in, who ended up falling off anyhow because you sent him to sleep.
Mulder: There's no proof of that.
Springer: It's worse than that, look. (points in the air)
Rodimus: It's Starscream. Hit the deck and cover your backsides.
Mulder: I gotta get Scully out of there. (Mulder runs off to rescue Scully)
(The Autobots are busy cowering on the ground as Starscream fly's by laughing as he turns the road upside
down with his barrage of laser fire Mulder nearly gets fried twice ducking the strafe as he makes his way
to the car. Starscream pulls up and away to make a second run. The Autobots get back to their feet.)
Rodimus: We gotta take him out.
Springer: No shit Sherlock.
Mulder: Will one of you do something?
Magnus: I've got a lock on with my missile launchers.
Rodimus: No, I've a better idea. Grimlock, use your fire breath.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock LOVE to melt decepticreeps into mulch.
Rodimus: Good boy, here he is, go get him.
Magnus: Rodimus, what about the present day Decepticons?
Rodimus: What about them?
Magnus: Couldn't an encounter with them damage the time stream as well? Remember, Starscream IS an important
player for the things that happen in the next five years.
Springer: Getting rid of him would totally screw things ups.
(the tape doesn't stop, but the camera swings out to the office again as Scully pops the question she's
been wondering for a while.)
Scully: How far in the future are these guys from?
Mulder: Weren't you paying attention at the start? They're from the year 2010.
Scully: Wait, so this tape is from the future as well?
Mulder: Could be.
(back to the tape)
Mulder: Guys, he's gone.
Autobots: What?
Mulder: Your other team showed up and Starscream scampered off. Now, if you don't mind I've got to get to
congress. There was a report of giant robots materialising in front of it. (Mulder throws Scully over his
shoulder and sets off on his journey to Congress)
Rodimus: Could he be any more stupid? Those robots were us.
(quick shot of the office, Scully glares at Mulder.)
Springer: Well, he could be you. That's much more stupid.
Magnus: We've got to go back to our time Rodimus. Then we can reset the equipment to take us back to the
time Mulder and Scully were killed.
Rodimus: I want to go back before that. I want to prevent their deaths.
Wreck-Gar, can you alter this time jump control pad to let us control what time we jump back to?
Wreck-Gar: I canna change the laws of physics.
Rodimus: Do it.
Wreck-Gar: Ok, roll up roll up, hurry, hurry, hurry. (makes an adjustment just as the other team finally
show up)
Arcee: Whats going on?
Kup: Yeah lad, we saw Starscream flying this way.
Blaster: Then he saw us and split.
Perceptor: And then we doubled our efforts to reach you in case you needed our assistance in a nature of
medical precedence.
Rodimus:Huh?
Blaster: (slowly) Do you need any help?
Rodimus: No, not really. Wreck-Gar, you nearly finished yet?
Wreck-Gar: Nah worries mate, it's a bong.
Blaster: He's been hanging with Outback too long.
Kup: Bah, you kids have it easy. In my day, I was busy taking Shrapnel up the butt.
Blaster: Well, if your that desperate you should try a hobot, not an Insecticon
Arcee: (interrupting) (re Wreck-Gar) What's he doing anyhow?
Rodimus: You'll find out in a second.
Wreck-Gar: (points the time jump at the camera) Music television, you control. (presses a button and a
sliders style wormhole opens up which they all jump into.)
(Further down the road, Mulder continues to make his way down the road as Starscream fly's past him into
the wormhole. Mulder gets knocked over by the down draft. When he gets up, he notices something, picks it
up, looks at it and gets up and screams.)
Mulder: CANCERMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!
(Mulder drops the cigarette and goes back on his journey. Meanwhile in another time and inside the Ark,
there's plenty of robot bodies littered around the place. The wormhole opens up and deposits the Autobots.
The wormhole stays open.)
Scully: (voice over from Mulders office) Whats with that staying open?
Mulder: (likewise) Shh will you?
Narrator: The ark, four million years ago on Earth.
Rodimus: Where are we?
Blaster: It's the Ark.
Perceptor: An observation of our surroundings indicates that we are here soon after it originally failed
to land correctly after the Decepticon boarding party forced Optimus Prime to activate the "Make-the-ship-
crash-into-the-third-rock-from-the-sun" button.
Magnus: What did he say?
Springer: This is soon after the crash.
Kup: Hey look, someone left a monitor on.
Blaster: That's weird, only the security systems should be on. Someone's managed to reactivate some of the
systems.
Arcee: What is going on here? On the monitor?
Springer: Well it looks like it's the outside world.
Magnus: It's a proto human colony.
Blaster: That human looks familiar.
(on the monitor Ugh Mulder can be seen in his animal skin out fit with his partner, Dga Scully. Both have a
one armed Oga Krychek cornered in a cave. They all have clubs drawn, clearly a fight is in order. Suddenly
Mulder becomes incensed as he realises there's a primitive hand rolled cigarette near by. Sure enough,
there's a stone age Cancerman around there as well somewhere in the shadows. Scully gets pissed off at this,
bashes Mulder over the head and drags him off to her cave.)
(tapes stop)
Scully History does repeat itself.
Mulder: (smiling) I can only hope.
Scully: (draws pistol out to whack Mulder with it) You want some, eh?
Mulder: Yes please. Er wait. Are we talking sex here?
Scully: No, just a beating.
Mulder: How much do you charge then?
Scully: Oh, the beatings free.
Mulder: Great, I'll order one for Krychek then. He's a real hard guy to shop for.
(tape resumes. Camera zooms in on monitor again.)
Springer: Change the channel will you?
Blackarachnia's Voice: Oh Primus, Inferno just slagged Waspinator.
Quickstrike's voice: Again? 'hat's the fifth tahme this week ain't it?
Tarantulus voice: You spawn of Unicron, Inferno.
Rodimus: Try another one, this sucks.
Magnus: "Sucks" is not a word the leader of the Autobots should ever be heard using, not unless you want the
press to get a hold of it. It'd get blown out of all proportions. Just like that Bill Clinton thing.
Grimlock: Which Bill Clinton thing?
Wreck-Gar: (taps the screen) Yeah that kid just keeps coming back to life for the next episode anyhow.
Arcee: This looks like someone's quarters.
Blaster: (looks up from a console he's working on) Those were my quarters. Or rather will be mine after the
incident with Tracks.
Arcee: Did you keep an Ape and Cheetah in your room?
Blaster: No, not that I remember.
Arcee: So what are they doing there?
Blaster: Well it looks like the Ape is riding the Cheetah. (pause, everyone leans their heads to one side
to get a better angle) Oh my god. On my bloody bed too. That is disgusting. Springer: I hope they remembered
to wash your bed sheets.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock feel sick. Me Grimlock borrowed that pillow from you Blaster.
Blaster: I feel like I need a shower. In lava. I spent fifteen years sleeping in that bed. I gotta burn
those Go-bots bed sheets sometime.
Rhinox: Hey, what are you people doing here?
Blaster: Never mind what we're doing here, we own this ship. What are you doing here?
Rhinox: (looks at Blaster and Perceptor) Shouldn't you be unconscious?
Blaster: That's my past self. I'm from 2010. Now who are you?
Rhinox: Never mind who I am, that's not important. Optimus will want to know about this.
Rodimus: But he's over there. (points to Primes corpse, bent over the command flight controls) Now that
just has to hurt.
Rhinox: I meant Optimus Primal.
(suddenly Starscream comes flying out of the still open wormhole which snaps shut behind him and then flys
out the base before he can attack.)
Rhinox: Oh crap, not him again.
Springer: He must have followed us or something.
Rattrap: (walks in through a side door) Eh? What's with all the noise?
(comes in, sees Arcee and Springer and faints)
Springer: What's up with him?
Rhinox: No idea.
Optimus Primal: (enters from another side door) Ah, there's nothing like a good hard sha- Er, who are these
people?
Rodimus: I am Rodimus Prime, leader of the Autobots in 2010.
Primal: Oh yeah, the idiot.
Rodimus: WHAT?
Primal: History records you as being a bit of a prat to be honest.
Rodimus: I am going to kill someone if my leadership abilities are doubted one more time.
Springer: Your going to be very busy then.
Magnus: Rodimus, we should be going. There's no point to us being here.
Rodimus: What's this, your making a huge leap in logic again?
Magnus: It wouldn't be the first time, but no. I'm pretty sure these guys are no threat to us. Or history
for that matter.
Primal: That's right. We're the Maximals, we're your descendants, we're just stuck in time here. The guy
who's fainted is Rattrap, he's always going on about his great Aunt Arcee and Uncle Springer. (Arcee and
Springer look at each other with the kinda love struck look that makes other people sick. Rodimus is looking
like he's about to blow out a logic board) Or is it the other way around? Anyhow, this is Rhinox, our
resident bot of mystery. (whispers) The fans thinks he's one of the old G1 robots like you guys, in a new
body. (normal) Over there is Cheetor. (points to Cheetor whose busy doing something to Optimus Primes corpse) CHEETOR! What are you doing to Optimus Primes corpse?
Rodimus: (faintly) Matrix.. flash
back
. (Rodimus collapses)
Kup: What's that lad?
(Dream sequence. Rodimus is surrounded by images of Optimus Prime having a funny face drawn on by Cheetor.
Now of course, with the added bonus of seeing himself and the others in the dream as well watching it
happen. In other words, this is what Optimus what talking about in MTMTF part 2. Meanwhile in reality.)
Kup: Eh, he's gone on another one of these matrix vision quest thingies.
Blaster: Forget that. (To Primal) What were you and that kid up to in MY bedroom?
Primal: That's your room? Oh, er
Springer: More to the point, is that kid legal? He hardly looks to be a hundred years old.
Rattrap: Eh. Hey, leave or leader alone.
Springer: Don't cross me kid, I'm your great uncle Springer, remember? I can have words with your parents.
Rattrap: Eh, ya spoilsport.
Springer: (to Arcee) He's gets this from YOUR side of the family.
Arcee: What family?
Rodimus: He can only be a genetic relation of one of you. Unless your families go into inbreeding.
Springer: Do I look like I'm inbred? Besides, we don't have DNA or any types of genes. We're robots for
crying out loud.
(At this point, Starscream, Cancerman and Krychek stagger in. The Autobots and Maximals all level weapons
at Starscream.)
Krychek: I can't believe you crashed.
Starscream: I'm still the best pilot you've ever been with.
Krychek: I've never been with any pilots.
Starscream: Oh for the love of
Primal: (points at Starscream) Where'd he get a new body from?
Starscream: Have we met, (considers Primal Cyborg state) er, flesh creature?
Rattrap: Maybe he possessed his old one?
Rhinox: Nope, it's still where it was originally. (points to another body of Starscream which is being
used for airing the Maximals bed sheets.)
Grimlock: Why bed sheets have funny stains on them?
Primal: (sheepishly) For some reason they wouldn't come off.
Springer: Have trouble lighting your cigars?
Primal: As a matter of fact
Starscream: What? Why are you all pointing guns at me? We've never even met.
Rodimus: This is the Starscream from 2000.
Springer: We KNEW that already.
Primal: I didn't.
Springer: Shut up Optimus PrimPimp.
Starscream: Look, can we just leave this time?
Cancerman: You can't go outside. The energeon levels on this version of Earth are unacceptably dangerous
to normal Transformers.
Krychek: Yeah, gay boy here nearly crashed as soon as he pulled out of the ark.
Starscream: What did you call me?
Krycheck: Fly boy.
Starscream: Oh.
Magnus: But you said before he crashed.
Krychek: Oh he did, later on.
Starscream: (peeved) It was the energeon build up.
Krychek: You flew into a tree to avoid an on coming block of ice that dropped out of the sky.
Starscream: And there was something very familiar about the shape that block of ice that fell past us as
well.
Rodimus: I think it may be better to leave you here under lock and key with these Maximals.
Starscream: Wha? Are you just ignoring everything that's just been said? No one mentioned anything about
locking anyone up before.
Rodimus: The rest of us can get on with our mission to find out who killed Mulder and Scully.
Starscream: Your doing it again. Ultra Magnus, please-
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
All: SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY!
Rodimus: Wreck-Gar, activate the timer, er, time jump control. Primal, I'm going to leave these people in
your, (pause as he considers his words very carefully but there's little point) capable hands.
Primal: (rubs hands) Hehehehe.
Cancerman: (backing away from Primal) Oh no you don't. Think of the damage we could do to the timeline when
we escape.
Rodimus: When?
Cancerman: Look at our would be gaolers. Their too busy fighting off slanderous remarks about their sex
lives to do anything with us. (Primal hangs head in shame)
Magnus: Good point. We'll take you with us.
Primal: Besides, who says I'm willing to take them as prisoners?
Starscream: (misunderstanding) You have sex with your prisoners?
Primal: (miffed) Don't get your hopes up.
Magnus: Okay, when do we leave, Wreck-Gar?
Rodimus: Whose in charge here?
Primal + Cancerman + Starscream: I am. (they look at each other) No, me. (they look again) I'm in charge
damnit.
Rodimus: No, I am. I have the Matrix, I am the chosen one, I'M in charge.
Primal: The Matrix chose you? It actually chose you? Damn it must have been desperate for a leader.
Rhinox: (hide a magazine called "Tanks and ammo") Talk about desperate. I know for a fact that I'd make a
better villain then you could a leader.
Rodimus: Yeah, (to camera) like that'll happen. (wink)
Wreck-Gar: What's that noise? (opens up the Time Jump which reads nothing but zeros on it's timer) Who
wants to be a millionaire?
Primal: What is it with that guy and the way he talks?
Kup: He talks tv.
Primal: Eh?
Springer: His people live on a junk filled planet with nothing to do other then watch TV. It's the basis
for their entire culture.
Primal: Hmm, sounds like the idea most of the civilised Western world has about the average American.
Rodimus: But they live their lives on their world like it's Mad Max all over again, only on motorcycles.
Which are really their own alt modes.
Rattrap: So if they switched onto to UPN?
Magnus: I shudder to think about it. Mind you, I doubt with the average IQ of his people it wouldn't make
much more difference if they watched Fox.
Cancerman + Krychek +Maximals: HEY!
Primal: Do they engage in wild perverted sex acts?
Rodimus: (to Primal) You have no shame, do you?
Springer: Did I mention they were inbred?
Primal: Sir, I am a colossal pervert. There is nothing I would not and have not done. Animal, vegetable or
mineral, it matters not to me if it is even alive or even of legal age.
Magnus: I can believe it too.
Grimlcok: Me Grimlock gonna puke if me Grimlock has to listen to much more of this crap.
Arcee: Why did we bring him along?
Kup: Brawn and comic relief.
Arcee: But not brains?
Blaster: That's why we brought Perceptor.
Perceptor: (looking at something) Fascinating. What is this curious device?
Rhinox: That's the ships condom dispenser.
Perceptor: Ah. (hands it to Primal) I believe this is yours. Strange how it seems to be full.
Primal: I'm a catholic, I don't believe in contraception.
Perceptor: Yet you partake in relations of a-
Arcee: Oh good grief, men. Wreck-Gar hit the switch before things go X rated.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say too late,
Wreck-Gar: (teletubies) Time for Tubbie bye, bye.
(Wreck-Gar opens the portal and the time travellers -other then the Maximals- jump in and go off to another
time. A beeper goes off. Rattrap loos at Teletran 1. Silverbolt walks in at the same time.)
Rattrap: Optimus, those proto humans are busy building some sort of colony under our base, again. Optimus?
Optimus? (looks around) Where'd he go?
Rhinox: He transformed into Ape mode and went off to look for them. Drooling and dragging his knuckles
across the floor in much the same way he tends to do when he sees Cheetor in the showers.
Cheetor: What could Optimus possibly do to the Proto humans in ape mode?
Silverbolt: Your just too naive kid.
(The tapes stops one more time)
Scully: (with a look of disgust) And I thought Beast Wars was a kids show.
Mulder: You should read their fan fiction. And then there was a Japanese
version of the toy line this show is based on, called Breast Masters,
but you don't want to know about it. What did you stop the tape for this
time?
Scully: I need to powder my nose.
(Scully runs off, Mulder just broods in his office, as stotic as normal.
Well, more so really.)
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Narrator: Next time on The Slightly Warped Websites ongoing Internet sit com, "The Liam Smith Show", Liam
bumps into washed up rapper Vanilla Ice, pursed by Emeniem. Will Vanilla live to rap another day, or will
Dr Dre be able to start writing more rhyming verses about putting some white boy in a hearse?
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Mulders office. He's not moved a muscle as far as we can tell. Scully comes back in, checks to see if
Mulder is still breathing, takes her hand away with a look of disgust wiping the it on her hankie and hits
play. Once more, the camera zooms past them and onto the tv screen they sit watching. We can see Mulder is
drooling. On the tape, the Autobots, Starscream, Cancerman and Krychek have just arrived in another
timezone. For some reason, everything is black and white now, but no one notices.)
Cancerman: So explain this device to me.
Rodimus: Well, you see you depart your world in one time zone, and arrive in another. Same world, different
time, and your still you, but everyone else is different, younger. Or not born yet anyhow.
Cancerman: But what if you lose your way?
Krychek: And you can't find your way home?
Perceptor: Not possible. We've considered every possibility with this device and gone through the
applications quite thoroughly.
Wreck-Gar: (hitting time jump device) (muttering) Work darnit, work.
Magnus: That's to say, the writers didn't think it would be worth bothering with.
Krychek: When was this technology developed?
Springer: 2006. But it was used in a UK Transformers comic book as a means of going back to 1986, the year
in which the story was written. But it was based on our spacebridge technology, which was created in 1987.
Magnus: 1988.
Springer: 1987.
Magnus: You sure?
Springer: Yeah.
Blaster: Your both wrong, it was 1986. And I know because that was the story line that introduced me to the
comics, whereas in the cartoon I just showed up and got treated like I had always been there.
Springer: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. In your comic book debut you wouldn't blow up the space bridge because it was
partly built out of a friend of yours. A likely story.
Blaster: It's true you insensitive sod.
Springer: (singing sarcastically) Hey Mr Radio bot, play a tune for me.
Blaster: (excited) Greatest hit's of the Spice Girls it is.
Krychek: Did he say "hits" or "ti"-?
Springer and everyone else: (overlapping) Oh no please no. Anything else but that.
Blaster: Fine, I won't. Anyhow I can't. I've only got the one tune that I play every time I use my boombox
mode for "entertainment".
Krychek: What's this space bridge anyhow?
Rodimus: That's not important right now. What timezone are we in?
Magnus: Lets ask that guy over there. (points to a tall human, in a black jacket and a tall black hat)
Excuse me sir, could you tell me where we are?
Abraham Lincoln: Why, four score and seven years ago, our forefathers named this place, America, and in
order to form a more perfect constitution-
(The entire parody stops for a few minutes while the author David Hopper
mounts a soap box)
David: Look, I'm not American ok, so I don't know the pledge or whatever it's supposed to be that've I just
featured in this parody. All I do know is that apparently American schoolchildren have to quote it everyday
in school from what I've heard. And besides it worded differently to go with the routine. OK? I'm only
saying this because some people weren't willing to let go of reality enough during an comedy festival, where
Reeves and Mortimor (Britain's top slapstick comics) did one of their usual over the top routines, where
Vic said what Bob needed was a lucky charm like his rolled up, sixteen foot long, carpet. People started
muttering it was "too big". LET GO OF REALITY! THIS IS JUST A SERIES OF JOKES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! It's not
meant to be serious. And if your not willing to let go why in the name of Transformer writer Simon Furman
are you doing here?
(back to the parody. In Mulders office the pair look at each other confused at what's just happened. The
tape starts up again with neither of them touching the remote.)
Magnus: Fine, thank you. That's all I needed to know. Cancerman,
Krychek, what are you two doing?
Cancerman: (struggling with Krychek) Must Kill
President
Lincoln.
Krychek: (struggling) Can't
let you
. It would
screw
up
everything.
Cacnerman: (relaxes) good point. Hey, where did he get to?
Starscream: The unusually tall fleshing went into that place.
Krychek: A playhouse?
(a loud gunshot is heard from the playhouse)
Voice: (inside playhouse) Mah gawd, the President's been shot.
Another voice: The President is dead, ma'am.
Yet another voice: Oh mah gawd, say it h'ain't so, say it h'ain't so.
Another voice: Oh, okay, he isn't dead.
(gunshot)
Another voice: Erm, okay, he IS dead this time. Ah'm sure of it as ah'm sure that eggs is eggs.
(another gunshot)
Another voice: What was that for? ACK!
Voice: (inside playhouse) Mah gawd, this man's been shot.
Yet another voice: Oh mah gawd, say it h'ain't so, say it h'ain't so.
Fourth voice: Here we go again.
(Krychek and Cancerman exchange glances)
Rodimus: (grabs Wreck-Gar by the shoulders) MAKE THE DAMN THING WORK!
Kup: This reminds me of the time JR got shot.
Magnus: You weren't on Earth when JR got shoot.
Kup: Hey, I like watching reruns of Dallas. (Magnus is dumbstruck by this, while Kup hums the theme tune to
Dallas and gets it mixed up with Dynasty.)
Rodimus: Well, it's obvious to me that we're even further back in the past that we SHOULD be. A couple of
centuries at least. Lets try again.
Wreck-Gar: Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you.
Krychek: Now he's singing songs at us.
Arcee: Must be tuned into MTV.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock LOVE me Grimlock's MTV. (Ultra Magnus hits
Grimlock upside the snout, and gets bitten for his trouble)
Magnus: GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!
Rodimus: No Grimlock. Friend Grimlock. Bad Grimlock.
(and everyone slides, er time jumps, to another time. Inside the "time tunnel" they see something else, a
rather weird looking tunnel, with four humans in it - a black man, two white men and a white woman with her
knockers going everywhere. Starscream decides he needs the practise with his null ray and fires a shot at
the white human's hitting one full on and making him vanish and scorching the other one who barely avoids
the blasts. The two sets of travellers continue on their separate ways landing in their own destinations.
Meanwhile in a lab on an alternate world.)
Geiger: What the hell? Something's almost messed up my calculations. If I don't compensate then my selfish
plan to save my own miserable hide from being unstuck in realities will be all messed up and all this work
will be for nothing. My plan to merge myself with that alien with the strange hairdo and voice didn't quite
work, all it did was make my voice go funny.
Mallory: What you talking about Doc?
Geiger: Nothing dear boy, nothing. Now very soon your going to be taking a little trip and you should be
merged with an alternate version of yourself that will allow you to walk again.
Mallory: You think this is going to work?
Geiger: Well, it's my best, last chance for a recurring role on a tv series, so yes it better.
(meanwhile on the other world, and in a different timezone, everyone lands in a desert where some people
are un-digging a large circular object with various runes on it. Yes it's the Stargate.)
Rodimus: Starscream, what the hell did you think you were doing? We agreed to let you hitch a ride with us,
but not to take pot shots at other travellers in time.
Starscream: They were inter dimensional travellers, the rule didn't apply.
Magnus: What is it Perceptor?
Perceptor: I'm detecting energy readings similar to spacebridge technology. (points to the Stargate)
Cancerman: (mishearing) What is a spark brig anyhow?
Starscream: A Space bridge, is a "bridge" between two points, a point of origin and arrival, through
subspace. It cuts years off space travel.
Cancerman: And a spark brig?
Starscream: Wasn't what we were talking about. "Space bridge", not "spark brig"?
Krychek: It's his age.
Perceptor: However, constant use of Space Bridge technology leads to loss of motor functions and even
baldness.
Krychek: None of you have hair, your robots.
Rodimus: Well you see? It's true. That's why we don't use them anymore.
Grimlcok: Me Grimlock hot.
Springer: No, Arcee is hot.
Arcee: Tell me about it, I need some coolant.
Rodimus: (clamps a hand around Springer's mouth) I KNOW what your going to say, so don't bother.
(the tape is stopped, cut back to the office)
Scully: Does it go on like this?
Mulder: Well, yes. There's an interesting bit where they end up bumping into an Imperial Star Destroyer
several million years into Earth's past and do battle with them. There's another bit where Arcee and
Springer make out like dogs in heat, and even a bit where Rodimus and Springer start fighting over Arcee.
Wreck-Gar does some great commentary on it and Grimlock is an excellent referee.
Scully: Do they ever solve the case?
Mulder: Case?
Scully: Our deaths.
Mulder: No.
Scully: What? How long does this go on for?
Mulder: Two more hours.
Scully: Two more hours of this?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: So let me see. These robots are from ten years into our future, and have found our corpses in that
time period and are trying to save our lives by going into the past and stopping it. Only they can't because
that prat Rodimus has gone and got them lost in time. They've bumped into the Sliders by the looks of it,
they've added more weight to the "is Stargate a load of crappy Sliders rip off" debate. And to cap it all
off nicely, Cancerman and Krycek are busy shacking up with an evil robot and are trying to change time as
they go along. Only their from the future, a few months into the future but that's ok. So that means we've
got a spare set of Cancerman and Krychek right here, who have yet to go off and do these things. Right?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: Great, it almost reads like a bad Scooby Doo episode. So, do I need to see more of the tape?
Mulder: No, as I said, it's just more of the same. Not to mention a blatant attack on the Power Rangers for
copyright infringement as well that comes up later on.
Scully: So, I'm almost afraid to ask this, how does the tape end?
Mulder: With big letters at the end saying "to be continued".
Scully: Uh huh. What is to be continued?
Mulder: Presumably, the rest of the story on the tape. They ended up years in the future, involved in some
massive brawl with the USS Enterprise E, Red Dwarf some other ships and some more Decepitcons.
Scully: That sounds vaguely familiar.
Mulder: Scully, don't you remember the time we were on Deep Space Nine? How we spent several months on
board Red Dwarf and even bumped into some time travelling snotty British soldiers from WWI that Captain
Janeway had to beam up from their biplanes to save their lives? Scully: You mean the various mock ups of
space stations and ships, and the recreation society?
Mulder: It was a real space station, a real space ship. Who is really willing to build a mock up with a
thousand flights of stairs? You accepted giant walking, talking, shape shifting robots, but not that?
Waitaminute. Recreation group? Of WWI?
Scully: That was the most logical explanation, we never saw we we're anywhere near war torn France during
the 1914-18 war. It must have been people on the ship dressed up as soldiers on those holodeck things they
claimed to have. And besides, the transformers were different. It's quite hard to deny the existence of
something that leaves big holes
every time they put their foot down.
Mulder: Scully, you've just contradicted yourself there a few times. I'm sure you have.
(before the pair can argue anymore, the roof of the FBI building directly above them gets torn off,internal
floor after internal floor gets pulled away by something large resembling a fist that drives downwards
towards the office. Inside the office, plaster is shaking lose, lights are dimming, furniture moving with
the vibrations. Thelights cut off and everything goes dark. Then daylight fills the room as the last floor
gets pulled away, revealing Mulder has now jumped into Scully's arms for protection. A huge purple hand
picks the two of them up and lifts it up to the eye level of a transformer.)
Cyclonus: Hmm, Galvatron will be pleased. (transforms into his futuristic jet fighter mode and flys off.)
Skinner: (walks into the office, and looks around) Now where the hell did they go to? I had a case for them.
Their reason had better be damn good this time. (Skinner walks to a phone)
(inside a room on the other side of the FBI building, a short fat man enters and closes the door behind him,
which falls out of it's frame. His phone starts ringing and he makes his way towards his desk, stepping onto
the middle of a floor board that when he steps onto the part where the nails should be in, the board goes
down in amongst the other
floorboards and hits him on his back. Stepping out of the hole he's made, the man gets a hold of a nearby
shelf unit, which starts shaking. A couple of bowling pins fall on his head. He shakes his head to stay
conscious and the shelf shakes again. This time a bowling bowl hits him square on the head. The man
staggers, but manages to stay up on his feet. Then a couple of containers with oil fall over, spilling their
load on him as the shelf collapses making two pillows spray out their feathers all over him. The man finally
gets his balance and goes over to his desk, sits in his chair and it falls apart. He staggers up, grabs the
phone and answers.)
Man: Hello, maintenance, how can I help you?
(Cyclonus flies into Earth orbit, where a fleet of various Decepticon ships are waiting, hidden from Earth
sensors due to the advance alien technology.)
Cyclonus: Cyclonus to base ship, objectives retrieved. Activate dimension jump.
(A huge swirling orange/red/flame like vortex opens up. The Decepitcon fleet pour into it. Babylon Five
style music starts up. The kind they use when something not as dramatic as war starts up, but more like the
music they play when someone is plotting something VERY complicated. You know, it kinda sounds like it only
uses the piano and maybe a few bells or even the triangle. And possibly a whistle. Or am I thinking of some
sort of string instruments? Answers on a post card please. I'm not sure how to describe it best, but you
know what I mean if you watched that show.)
Narrator: (B5's G'Kar talking in that low whisper voice he did during the occupation of Narn by the Centauri
and the various other wars the show covered. Occasionally he gets more dramatic and then settles down again.) And so it came to pass, that the most complex and possibly compelling crossover parody began to hit another new angle. By cunningly intertwining TWO seemingly unrelated series of crossover parodies, into one massive crossover series that would really end all crossover series. The stage set, the players ready, the world unprepared. The readers were ready to read on with baited breath, and asked: "What have we gotten ourselves into?" unaware that the word "gotten" was not really a word according to MS word's spell checker.
Londo's Voice: Get on with it G'Kar. We've got to get in that crossover too you know.
Narrator: Shut up. (sounds of a blow being struck and a fat man falling heavily)
(The Decepticons meanwhile have been travelling through the time jump for sometime now, as long as the
narrator has been talking actually. And now they pull out of the time warp and take defensive positions
around the giant Decepticon ship/Transformer, Scorpornok and begin to close in on the Enterprise E,
Voyager, a Whitestar and Red Dwarf.)
Narrator: And so a story like no other, something that no one had expected came into being. Not the shows
creators, who had never intended their shows to meet like this, ever. Not the characters on the shows, who
felt they had been somewhat out of character in some parodies, or not used to their full in others, or
possible even both. Not the website
owner, who had three years previous to this received, accepted and posted an obscenely large script with
numerous spelling mistakes, plot holes and recycled gags. Nor the readership who's opinions were their
own, amoung them other writers. Not even the writer himself, unsure at times of his own skill (G'Kar coughs)
even after so many stories behind him. And then there were those that were looking for messages, hidden or
otherwise, or just looking for ideas and inspirations. As one being, they all wondered the same. What the
hell is going to happen next?
(Large words appear on the screen as the Decepticon ships and their allies move in for the kill. "TO BE
CONCLUDED IN "SPOOF TREK 5: THE WRATH OF CONTINUITY" THE END IS NIGH!")
Narrator: And then they read that last bit. Do I get paid for this? Londo: One more advert and THEN we go
my friend.
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Narrator's voice: Two different version of Transformers FINALLY meet, despite what long term fans consider
of one of the groups.
(Rattrap, Silverbolt and Cheetor or hanging around outside a room with a locked door. Various screams can be
heard, along with a very familiar ape cry.)
Silverbolt: So, how long has Primal been inside there then?
Rattrap: Too long if you ask me.
Cheetor: Hang on, the doors opening up.
Rattrap: Bout time.
Silverbolt: So, how did your meeting with the Animorphs go?
Primal: (smoking a cigarette and grinning a huge smile) Oh, well you know how these fan written crossovers
with me and other people tend to go.
Rattrap: Eh? Not AGAIN!
Silverbolt: (looking in the room) ALL OF THEM?
Primal: You know the type of life I lead is a lonely one. I've got to get my kicks somehow.
Silverbolt: Where did you find that much rope?
(the camera quickly fades out before any more Transformers fandom pervestity can break out)
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Siren is about to reveal who killed the future version of Mudler and Scully to Bumblebee.)
Siren: And the killer was- (a gunshot strikes Siren down before he can say anything more other then)
Cah- ah, ack, sir. Oh -ack- man.
Bumblebee: Man, that's got to be the lamest way to keep people in suspense.