More then meets the files.
An obscenely long X-files/Transformers crossover parody, featuring
cameos from other cartoon shows.
..
By David "Overdrive" Hopper.
..
Forenote: Set during season 5 of the X-Files, and after the G2
Transformer's comic book had concluded back in the early 90's. Optimus
Prime and company have returned to Earth after hearing rumours of
Decepticon activity there. On arriving they learn there is only one
left, causing massive death and destruction to humans, and hunt him
down. (No prizes for guess who, long term TF fans) Mulder and Scully
meanwhile have simply nothing better to do. Other then moan, and read
playboy magazines, (well, Mulder that is, not Scully) be yelled at by
Skinner, or have rude comments made about them by their colleagues. So
they've really came out for a break.
..
(Forests, we see the camera stay close to the ground, darting over
bushes, around tress, and then, we see tracks, like a mans, only bigger.
There's several, the camera follows. Then the camera reaches a hairy
foot. The camera moves up the foot, the leg, the waist, the body, then
the arms. All covered in fur, there's no doubt about it, THIS is
Bigfoot. It roars, terrifically. Then something squashes it. Something
foot shaped, shiny and metallic. We hear an even louder scream from the
owner, but this has edge, emotion, madness, insanity, maybe. In other
words, you should find that your pants are now soiled.)
(Run credits.)
Mulder's office, 6.35am.
(Scully wanders in looking tired. Mulder is reading playboy.)
Scully: (disgusted) Mulder.
Mulder: (putting the magazine away) What?
Scully: (hadn't noticed the mag) Can't you keep this place clean?
Mulder: It is clean, Scully, unlike the government.
Scully: I mean, can't you tidy it up? What's that your reading?
Mulder: An article.
Scully: About?
Mulder: Err. Big robots that could change into various objects, like
cars, tanks, planes, cassette players.
Scully: Oh good grief, where is this? New York?
Mulder: There have been some sightings there, in the early nineties. But
for the most part, from around, 1984, most of the sightings were in
Portland Oregon.
Scully: Oh please, nothing happens in Oregon. Oh, lets hear it then.
Mulder: 1984, Mount Saint Hilary, an inactive Volcano for nearly four
million years, named after a former vice president, explodes. A few days
later, at a drive in movie, several cars change into robots and battle
military jets.
Sculy: The air force intervened?
Mulder: They weren't US jets Scully. Around the same time, parts from a
nuclear power station that was under construction were stolen by huge
robots, that bore some resemblance to jet fighters of the time. A week
later a huge fortress had been constructed by the robots, and despite
military efforts, none of the robots could be harmed. Several robots had
a battle at a local garage, where the owner was kidnapped. He was later
found in a hospital after having suffered a heart attack. Spider man was
rumoured to be in the area at the time, though it's hard to believe that
one.
Sculy: Why?
Mulder: He was wearing a black outfit.
Scully: Ah. Makes perfect sense.
Mulder: More robots attacked the fortress, all though the military
attacked them, it seemed the robots were fighting among themselves.
(Mulder produces a pile of paperwork.) And it goes on, and on. By 89
there were starting to go international, Tokyo had a run in with a few
of them. Then they were in New York again, then they disappeared for a
few months. NASA had seen them go into orbit a few times. Then there was
a report of a UFO crash landing, and a robot tore apart several military
units, before disappearing.
Scully: And the UFO?
Mulder: Here's where it gets weirder, somehow it was repaired, and left.
It's suspected that an international terrorist outfit known as Cobra had
something to do with it.
Scully: And this was all a few years back? So why the interest? What's
left?
Mulder: A week ago, a robot answering the description of the one that
walked out of the crash, was seen tearing apart small towns, near
Oregon.
Scully: (deep breath, knowing what's coming) So, it's an X-file?
Mulder: Yeah. Or at the least, just an excuse to get some air, while
getting the tax payer to pay for our government funded car's, fuel
bills.
(It's at times like this, I'm glad that I, the parody writer, am British
{{:) )
Scully: Mulder, you continue to amaze me, at times. Come on then. Wait a
minute. Cassette players?
Mulder: It was the eighties, Scully.
Scully: (looks at her watch) What? I'm going back to bed - by myself. Do
you get off calling me into work this early? (leaves)
Mulder: (confused) I was wondering why you came, I never called you.
9:12am
Sparkplugs Auto repairs and filling station.
(Later. Outside a garage named "Sparkplugs". Mulder's and Scully's car
has broken down. Sparkplug is seeing to it.)
Scully: Damn Government cars.
Sparkplug: Yeah, well, dang it, it looks like you forgot to change your
oil is all.
Mulder: Sculy, it was your turn to do that.
Scully: ME? You're the man.
Mulder: Yeah, I'm da man.
Scully: I meant it's YOUR job.
Mulder: To be the man? Yeah. Course it is.
Scully: Oh shut up.
Mulder: Word.
Sparkplug: So, what you young's urn's up to? Honeymoon?
Mulder: We're not married.
Sparkplug: Not married? Why when I was your age I was busy treating my
wife to be, god rest her soul, with respect. Not vamoosing off with her
unmarried like. No wait, when I was your age I was in a Vietnam POW
camp. Or was it Korea? I forget. Every since that heart attack. Damn
Robots.
Mulder: Robots? You're da ma- Ahem. Your the man who was abducted?
Sparkplug: Darn right too. Damn Megaton wanted me to make our fuels
adaptable to be used by them, so they could rule the world. So they
could also go back to Gobotron. Or was it Cybertron? But they didn't
know who they were messing with. So I poisoned their fuel, and Spiderman
came in and rescued me. Or was it Venom?
Mulder: Then what?
Sparkplug: Gears crashed on the ground, and when the Autobots put him
back together and found out I had made the fuel for the Decepticons,
well, one of them launched a damn fireball at me. It's how I got the
heart condition.
Scully: So there are two factions?
Sparkplug: Yeah, but they can both go to hell. Lost one of my sons in
their war, the other one went and joined a monastery afterwards. And
they were both young bright men, college students with their whole lives
ahead of them. But, I got over that. I rebuilt my Garage business,
despite RatBat knocking the old one down on my head.
Mulder: RatBat?
Sparkplug: Decepticon leader. That is, after Megatron went missing,
Shockwave took over. And when HE went off, RatBat took over. You know, I
kinda felt sorry for the Decepticons then, must be every dictatorships
nightmare to be run by an bloodsucking (or should that be oil sucking?)
accountant. On the other hand, he DID kidnap my younger son, and that's
how Spike, my older son got killed. Mind you, it's not all bad. When
Buster left for the monastery, he left his girlfriend, Jesse behind.
I've kinda been looking after her, if you know what I mean.
Mulder: (smirks) Right.
Sparkplug: Ah, yes, nothing like waking up in a morning, to a girl who's
less then half your age.
Scully: How old is she?
Sparkplug: 24.
Mulder: You dog you.
Sparkplug: I'm da man.
Scully: (annoyed at all the "men" talk) Right, well, is our car fixed?
Can we go?
Sparkplug: Yeah sure, that'll be £22.56.
Scully: Pay the man, Mulder.
Sparkplug: By the way, Jesse has red hair just like you.
Scully: So?
Sparkplug: So, I know what colour your pubes are.
(Later in the car. Mulder is driving. He's smirking and Scully looks
very annoyed to say the least.)
Mulder: Was it really necessary to pistol whack him?
Scully: He was annoying me.
Mulder: Ah. Scully?
Scully: Yes, Mulder?
Mulder: What colours are your pubes anyhow?
Scully: Be quiet Mulder, or I shall have to hurt you.
Mulder: Narf.
..
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Next week on Star Trek Voyager:
(Harry goes into his cupboard, and sees something)
Kim: (looking in cupboard) You are so real.
Tuvok: (inside the cupboard and no bigger than a GI Joe action figure)
Of course I am real. Logicaly I am here, so therefore I am real.
Kim: I'm going to love you, and hug you and name you George.
Tuvok: Oh god.
(Harry shows the cupboard to Tom, only to find Tuvok phassering Darth
Vader into plastic mulch and having his way with Barbie and Sindy.)
Paris: Cool.
The Vulcan in the cupboard. (UGH! He typed realising what that sounds
like just then) The tale of a magical cupboard and a very iritating
under developed character.
(Close up of Tuvok, as close to going pyscho as we've ever seen him go)
Tuvok: You should not interfere with technology you do not understand.
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
..
(Mulder and Scully have now found themselves stuck in traffic.)
Scully: We've been sitting here for hours.
Mulder: Damn, what's an articulated truck doing here anyhow?
Scully: And a cop car.
Mulder: And a jeep.
Scully: And a tank.
Mulder: And a Volkswagen beetle.
Scully: Wait a minute. Did any of that sound strange to you?
Mulder:
No.
Scully: A truck, a cop car, a jeep, tank and a beetle? Does at least one
of that sound strange to you?
Mulder: Come on, Scully. You've experienced New York traffic. There's
worse and weirder there. Besides, the traffics moving now. And what's
wrong with a Volkswagen beetle?
Scully: Nothing wrong with that, but a red tank?
(As Mulder drives past the tank, Scully is looking at it. The camera
stays on the strange convoy of vechiles.)
Hound: Man, that was close.
Bumblebee: Yeah, that human female was pretty close pretty close to
sussing us out.
Prowl: Sussing?
Bumblebee: Human talk. She nearly sussed us out, just by looking at
warpath.
Warpath: WHAM! I can't wait till we get to BAM! Blow something thing up.
KAPOWY!
Prowl: The only thing we're going to blow up, is this rogue Transformer.
Warpath: KABAM?
Prowl: And even then, only if it's dangerous.
Warpath: KASPLAT!
Prowl: Wha?
Hound: I think, he means ok.
Prowl: Warpath, why did you choose to be red of all colours? It defies
all logic.
Warpath: KASHOOSH! Ah, cool off Mr Spock.
Prowl: Who?
12:00am
Mount Saint Hilary.
(Mulder and Scully are looking around the remains of some slag that must
be ten years old.)
Mulder: The report said nothing about it becoming active again.
Scully: Oh really?
Mulder: Who knows what scientific breakthroughs may have been made by
studying whatever technology they may have left behind?
Scully: They may have given NASA a better space toilet. One that didn't
cost millions to build.
Mulder: Somehow, I don't think robots take a dump. Come on, lets check
out the crash site.
(A few minutes latter. The truck, cop car, tank, jeep and beetle pull up
after Mulder and Scully have left.)
Bumblebee: Honey, I'm home.
Prowl: Bumblebee, you have been watching too much of this television, or
Tee Vee, of the humans.
Hound: But it is a great way to rest the old CPU's.
Warpath: I prefer WOW! Target KAZAM! Practise. Myself.
Prowl: You would.
Bumblebee: Now what, Optimus?
Optimus Prime: We must continue to follow the humans. Perhaps they can
lead us to this rogue Transformer. Blaster, how goes the tracking?
(Cut to the inside of the beetle. A tape deck is sitting on the
passenger seat.)
Blaster: The bug we placed on their vechile is working fine. And I can
still get FM radio signals fine.
Prowl: Damn.
Prime: Well, lets roll out.
Blaster: Who the heck are the Spice Girls?
Bumblebee: Well, we have been gone a few years.
(They leave Mount Saint Hilary, and continue on the same road as Mulder
and Scully. Cut to what looks like a normal snow slope. Mulder and
Scully have just been shown the exit by the military.)
Mulder: (muttering) Weather balloon my big hairy butt.
Scully: Mulder, there are those same vechiles over there. The ones from
the traffic jam earlier.
Mulder: Maybe they were headed here? Maybe that's why they have a police
and military escort?
Scully: A tank, and a jeep with no driver?? Besides, if they were headed
here, why did they arrive after us?
Mulder: Maybe they got lost? Scully, you should stop looking for
conspiracies, where there aren't any.
Scully: ME? What about you?
Mulder: What about me?
(They continue to bicker as they get in their car, and leave.)
Prowl: NEVER AGAIN! NEVER EVER PLAY THAT STUPID SONG EVER AGAIN! ELSE IN
THE NAME OF PRIMUS I WILL RIP OUT YOUR OPTIC CIRCUITS!
Blaster: Zigazigah. Ok.
Bumblebee: The human female is getting more suspicious of us.
Blaster: Hound, why didn't you put up a hologram of a driver?
Hound: Whoops.
Blaster: Well, there's no sign of Cybertronian life here, cept for us
guys. Whoever it is, ain't here.
Prime: Well, lets follow the humans again. We may get lucky.
Bumblebee: But, female Transformers don't even exist on this planet.
Prime: Not lucky that way. Come on, roll out.
(Mulder and Scully's car. Mulder is on his cell phone.)
Mulder: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. And this is? (Mulder suddenly makes a
mad dash for the next exit, while turning the wheel with one hand, and
turning his phone off with the other.)
Scully: MULDER!
Mulder: (the incident hasn't even raised his pulse) What?
Scully: We could have died.
Mulder: Maybe. Listen, there's been a report of a big hairy creature
found squashed flat, in the woods surrounding a small town from here.
Near a monastery.
Scully: So? You've changed track? Your going after a squashed Big Foot,
maybe?
Mulder: Our robot was spotted in the same area. Scully, this is a chance
to solve two X-files at once.
Scully: Right, Mulder. Right.
(A few miles behind.)
Blaster: Prime, they found out where he is.
Prime: ROLL FOR IT!
Warpath: WHAM! BLAM! Action at last.
6:00pm
Portland Oregon municipal monastery.
(Mulder and Scully are now at a small monastery. Buster is talking to
them.)
Buster: And then it tore a huge hole in our wall. Right next to our
crops. Father Clifford had a heart attack.
Mulder: Are you Buster Witwicky?
Buster: Yes.
Scully: And "Sparkplugs" Witwicky is your father?
Buster: Yes.
Mulder: And you've had experience with these robots before?
Scully: Your older brother, Spike, joined them and died in battle,
according to your father.
Buster: Threw himself into the anti-mater drive. Yeah he was trying to
kill Megatron.
Mulder: I thought he was already dead.
Buster: Marvel comics villains always find a way to come back from the
dead. It's in their contracts.
Scully: Ah.
Mulder: Well, just one more thing. Did you know your father was banging
your girlfriend?
Buster: JESSE? NO! I'll kill that slut. And my father. (starts kicking
the wall)
Scully: No more questions. Thanks.
(Mulder and Scully go back to their car, which is in a car park near the
back of the monastery. Prime and co pull up near to where Buster is
still busy kicking the wall in frustration.)
Bumblebee: Hey, there's Buster. What's that stupid robe he's got on?
Hound : Some kind of religious outfit, I'd guess.
Bumblebee: What makes you say that?
Hound: Remember the Monks of the Order of Primus? And the metallic robes
they wore over their chassis?
Bumblebee: Yeah?
Hound: Looks a bit like those.
Blaster: Should we go say hi?
Warpath: Can we shoot the wall? KABAM!
Prime: No Warpath. Blowing up human walls isn't going to help them.
Warpath: Awww.
Hound: Amazing, that's the first time he's said anything not involving
an explosion of some sort.
Prowl: This is most illogical. Surely we must track down the rogue
Transformer?
Prime: That's exactly what we are going to do. Soon. Right now, I'm
tired. I need to shut down. Prowl, you take first watch, the rest of
you, get some downtime. We're going to need our strength for this
battle.
(Meanwhile, out of ear shot of the Transformers.)
Buster: Man, those cars look familiar. That little bug looks just like
Bumblebee. Mind you, if I ever saw them again, I'd use my secret weapon
that I've been secretly building with these top, ultra secret, CIA guys,
posing as monks. And then, then Prime would be truly sorry he ever
accidentally brought his war to Earth, even if humans didn't exist when
he crashed the ship, four million years ago.
(Buster walks away. Meanwhile, in the Beetle.)
Blaster: Damn. He's gone wacko.
Prowl: I'm supposed to be on this watch.
Blaster: And a damned good job you ain't doing of it either.
Prowl: That sentence made no logical sense.
Blaster: It's called sarcasm, Mr"I-was-standing-right-next-to-Prime-
when-he-pressed-the-big-button-marked-collide-with-Earth-and-I-ddin't-
do-a-darn-thing-to-stop-him".
Prowl: How would you like demotion?
Blaster: Shutting up right now, sir.
Prowl: That's better.
( "Look at me" By Geri Haliwell music can be heard playing. Prowls
headlights start flashing madly. Cut to Mulder and Scully's car.)
Mulder: Who is playing that awful music?
Scully: Someone with no taste, I'd say. C'mon, lets go.
(They get into their car, pull out of the parking lot, and see the cars,
and Truck, and Tank.)
Scully: Mulder,
Mulder: I see them, I see them. It must mean something. After all, I did
find this (holds up a smashed up piece of equipment)
Scully: What is it's?
Mulder: Some kind of bug. It can't pick up anything now. Come on, lets
follow them for a change.
..
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Various Decepticons are guarding a bridge. Then a regular drumming beat
is heard. The Decepticons line up various nasty looking weapons, and
wait until Brawn, dressed in a pink rabbit suit, and beating a drum
comes into view. Then they fire everything they've got at him. The
smokes settles after they've spent everything they had. And yet still
the drumming goes on. The smoke clears, and Brawn walks out, beating the
drum.)
Soundwave: He just keeps going, and going.
Frenzy: Must be the new Energionizer batteris he's on.
(suddenly, a small unidentified burning object hits Brawn's shoulder,
killing him instanly.)
Soundwave: What on Cybertron?
Cancerman: (lighting up) Hey, you have to read up on your enemies
weakness.
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
..
05:00am.
Some interstate highway.
(Mulder and Scully have sat and waited EIGHT hours, before the Autobots
wake up and roll out. Well, Mulder has.)
Mulder: Wake up Scully.
Scully: Ugrh, anort, ssst, zzz, urrrgh.
(Mulder pursues the Autobots, who don't notice. Eventually they all
arrive at car park near a Forrest. Mulder keeps his car at a distance
from them, hiding round a corner just ahead of where the Autobots
stopped. Creeping round a few bushes, Mulder sees something amazing.)
Mulder: Amazing.
Scully: I don't believe it.
Mulder: Did I just see a Boom Box jump out of that Beetle?
Scully: What about the fact that those vechiles just turn into big
robots?
Mulder: And the Boom Box as well. But how did it turn into the second
biggest?
Scully: What about the trailer of that Truck?
Mulder: What about it?
Scully: Well, it didn't merge with the cab section when it became a
robot, and it's not there now, so where did it go?
Mulder: Good point. But I've another. Why have they stopped?
Eject: Because we realised you figured it out.
Mulder: (pulling out gun) Who are, and why do you resemble a tape
cassette?
Eject: Because I transform into a tape. I'm Eject.
Mulder: Right. Why?
Eject: Crappy sales angle. Don't forget, we had a toy range to support.
Once.
Mulder: Ahh.
Eject: Come on, I'll take you to meet up with Prime.
Mulder: Anal probes?
Elect: What probes?
(Mulder explains the premise of Anal probes.)
Eject: Man. Am I glad I'm not organic. But I'm gonna have to have words
with Cosmos, Sky Lynx and Omega Supreme about this.
Mulder: I could shoot you if you tried to abduct me.
Eject: (looks at the gun) Won't hurt me. My armour is too advanced.
Mulder: F*CK!
Eject: See Tracks about that.
(Later, after introductions have been made, Mulder and Scully are
finding out what's going on.)
Prime: (Formerly the truck for those not in the know) His name is
Galvatron, he's a future version of Megatron, my arch enemy, from a
possible future timeline that proberly no longer exists.
Scully: (not buying it) R-ight. So how's he still here?
Prime: Don't try to blow our continuity on us. Remember, not one of us
has ever seen Spider-man, nor have we worked with him back in 1984. OK?
Mulder: (shrugs) Fine.
Blaster + Warpath: Who?
Prowl: (The Cop car) Logic dictates that he must have been on the Ark,
that was stolen by Shockwave and Starscream.
Scully: Who, Spider-man?
(The Autobots glare at her.)
Scully: Fine, fine. You've never met him.
Mulder: Ark? Is it going to rain?
Hound: (The Jeep) No, that was the name of our ship.
Scully: Ah. What were we talking about again? (Mulder whispers in her
ear) Oh.
Bumblebee: (the Beetle) Yeah, it crashed on Earth, and we think he was
the only surviour.
Blaster: (the Boom Box) We found out that he was defeated by Fortress
Maximus, who chucked him in a frozen pond.
Mulder: So what happened?
Prowl: Seasons changed.
Scully: And?
Hound: The pond defrosted.
Mulder: And?
Prime: To put it mildly, you end up with the most powerful, psychotic
Decepticons of all time, free on Earth, who's also completely mad.
Scully: Ah.
Mulder: And?
Warpath: To put it mildly, you up KAPOWY! Creek without a KABLAM!
Paddle.
Mulder: Rrrrrrrright. (To Blaster) Does he always do that?
Blaster: Only for the last four million years.
Mulder: Phew.
Blaster: That I've known him.
Mulder: How old are you?
Blaster: Old enough to know Dr Pepper has never tasted good.
Mulder: That old?
Scully: Is it true you've met Spider Man?
Blaster + Warpath: Who?
Prime: This was before you were introduced to the comics.
Blaster + Warpath: Ah.
Hound: Yeah, he and Gears made a good team, even if Gears did fall to
his death.
Bumblebee: Well, yeah, but at least Doc Ratchet put him back together
again.
Prime: Yes, but we NEVER met him. Ok?
Autobots: OK.
Scully: So, about this psychotic Decepticon?
Prime: Ah, right, yeah.
(Everyone is quiet for a few minutes. Eventually, the cameraman gets
bored, and decides to check out on what Buster is doing in the
monastery, with all the secret CIA guys.)
Buster: Soon, soon, my master plan will be complete. All I need now, is
some lightning.
(The camera pans across to a large table with several stitched together
blankets covering a vaguely humanoid form.)
Buster: HEY! Get out of here. Damn camera crews.
(Cut back to the Autobots, and Mulder and Scully, all looking at the
damage done to a village that has now been abandoned.)
Blaster: Man, what a wreck, dudes.
Prowl: Indeed.
Hound: Judging from these tracks, I'd say that Galvatron went thataway.
(points vaguely in one direction)
Mulder: The ladies restrooms?
Hound: The what?
Scully: Toilets.
Hound: Oh, sorry. No. Erm, that way. (points at a building)
Scully: Joe's cafι?
Prowl: Oh good grief. Hound, lets see a holographic map of the local
area.
Hound: Okey-dokey. (a huge map of the local area shows up) Ok, we are
here, and the tracks lead off north.
Mulder: North? Why north?
Prime: No reason. He is after all mad.
Mulder: Oh.
Prime: Ok, let's Transform and roll out.
Blaster: By the way, Prime, I heard Buster talking to himself yesterday
while we were at the monastery.
Prime: Poor kid, must have finally gone mad.
Mulder: Why? Did he have mental problems?
Prime: Well, not as such, but we did kind of ruin his families life.
(In the monastery, we see a very big room, possible the main hall that
is meant to be used for worship, eating, sleeping, etc. There are
several lumps of equipment, scaffolding all around some towering
pillions of machinery, and a very large table with a very large and the
obviously badly-hand-stiched-together-Transforemr sized blanket draped
over something with definite female curves. )
Buster: At last, as soon as there is enough lightning, we shall soon
have a weapon to defeat all transformers, by exploiting the one weakness
they've all been facing for over nine millions years. (notices camera)
HEY! I've told you before. Now bugger off.
(Meanwhile, the Autobots and X-philes, are looking at the damage done to
yet another town, now long abandoned.)
Mulder: This robot seems to have no concern for life.
Prowl: As far as we can tell he's the most powerful, evil and insane
being ever.
Blaster: And what's worse, he knows he's insane.
Prowl: I'm sure that since he's willing to accept what his current
mental condition is, he may be willing to have some help.
Bumblebee: Prowl, this is the future version of Meg- (Bumblebee gets
nailed by a powerful laser beam)
Prime: Bumblebee! No! (looks to where the shot came from) YOU!
Galvatron: Yeash? (fires cannon at everyone who ducks out of the way)
Hound: Uh oh, this calls for something special (creates a hologram of
Unicron behind Galvatron)
Holo-Unicron: Galvatron, you will do my bidding you pitiful- (Galvatron
blasts Hound into a tree, disablling the hologram)
Hound: (bent backwards over the stump of the tree) This is even more
painful then it looks.
Blaster: Erm, ok, let me try something. (transforms into BoomBox mode)
Prowl: I have a bad feeling about this.
Blaster: (playing tape) Look at me. I'm the drama queen, if that's your
thing, baby.
EVERYONE: ARRRGH! HORIBLE! HORRIBLE GERI HALIWELL MUSIC!
Blaster: (stops the tape) Hey, where did Galvatron go?
Prime: (slapping ear) Due south, running at full pelt. Now I know why
priests use that music to exorcise ghosts.
Prowl: Now what?
Prime: We see to our wounded.
Warpath: That KAPOW! Could be just about KZAP! All of us after that
KAZOOW! Music.
Blaster: (approaches Hound) Right Prowl, you grab his watch, I'll take
his wallet.
Prowl: Transformers have neither.
Scully: Boy do these guy's ever get anything done?
(meanwhile, we see some peaceful woods, quickly turned unpeaceful by
various woodland animals tearing out the tree line in a desperate bid to
escape. Quickly followed by Galvatron who's tearing the forest apart in
a psychotic bid to get away from a certain ex-spice girl music. He
clears the forest, and enters a small township.)
(Interior, a log cabin. A TV is playing to itself. The room's occupier
is asleep in the corner.)
TV man: And now it time for the penguin on top of your TV set to
explode- (a giant metallic foot crushes through the roof, smashing a
bed, then through the first floor of the building and crushes the TV
before demolishing half the ground floor of the log cabin. The slob
doesn't even flinch. Galvatron tears out of the town, and into another
tree line. Only to be stopped by a small green glowing creature)
Mr Burns: (way, way, way out of it) I bring you love.
Galvatron: Huuuuuh?
Mr Burns: I bring you joy.
(Galvatron crushes Mr Burns)
Smithers: (nursing the limp wrist that is all that's left of Mr Burn's
body) God, NO!
(Wolves howl in return.)
..
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Three transformers sit at a table.)
Starscream: If, like us, you've been accused of being something your
not, you too will know it can be a very trying experience.
Tracks: Once the rumours started I found, none of my fellow Autbots
wanted to come near me, or have anything to do with me. Not even
Sunstreaker wanted to know me anymore, and we use to go and buy car
polish together.
Starscream: (worried) R-ight.
Optimus Primal: Maybe it's been innuendoes, maybe it's been rumours,
maybe it's been a few slanderous remarks made about you on certain web
sites.
Starscream: (looking at Primal) Maybe a passing remark has been taken
the wrong way, or photos of you in an off moment.
Primal: (looking at Starscream) Or because of the way you walk, talk or
act, you've been labelled.
Tracks: (holding head in hands) And then whenever I went in to change my
oils, everyone inched away from me. Doc Ratchet would even put on rubber
gloves and insist on only using remote controlled drones to deal with
any wounds I had.
Primal: Maybe you were seen sharing a tub of Vaseline with someone.
Tracks: And that quack, First-Aid keeps revving up laser saws whenever I
see him.
Starscream: Maybe you've approached things the wrong way in the past,
and let these things mount up-
Primal: Mount? Ok.
Starscream: Get him OFFAME!
Tracks: Can we make it a threesome?
Starscream: ARRGH! Please, in the name of Primus. HELP! I AM NOT GAY!
(Picture goes dead)
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
..
12:15 am
A CLASSIFIED MINNING VILLAGE. PORTLAND OREGON.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO
(Mulder and Scully are riding in Primes cab as the convoy arrives at the
scene of destruction.)
Mulder: Shit.
Scully: I think Miss Haliwell's music should have some kind of mental
health warning on it.
Mulder: Warning, can make your brain shrink?
12:20am
Monastery.
Buster: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Walter Barnett: Yes.
Buster: How the hell could I have been working for triple I?
Barnett: Because you're a crazed young man, after revenge, and with your
weapon, we shall have the Transformers off this planet once and for all.
Buster: I thought you knew that the Autobots were good guys, and the
Decepitcons were evil?
Barnet: Hey come on, I work for III. As soon as we learn anything that
might put us on the right track, we have a lobotomy. Remember, Blackrock
told us about the robots and their war, we ignored him. Finkleberg told
us all about their back history during his captivity, and we fired him.
I found out and placed the brain modules of the Throttlebots inside
several toy cars. Those irritating SOB's were never heard of again,
Rollbar: (inside briefcase) Oh yeah?
Barnett: (hits briefcase) And neither was I, until now.
Buster: As was III.
Barnett: Touchι.
Buster: Ahh, the old days, the era of pre Simon Furmon written
Transformer comics.
Barnett: Error is the word all right.
(Back at the destroyed town, the local cops are trying to stir the slob
whose still fast asleep in a rocking chair.)
Mulder: (climbing into Primes cabin) He's heading south, towards
(A bus stop near a few trees, couple of big mountains. Four five year
old boys are standing there. Galvatron can be seen behind them.)
Cartman: And then I told my Mom where to stick it.
Stan: Wow, cool.
Kyle: Yeah, wow.
Kenny: (incompressible mutterings, bound to be obscene)
Cartman: Ah am not into incest, whatever that is.
Kenny: (perverted uttering best left unravelled)
Cartman: And my mom does NOT have a penis, you pervert. Man if only ah
had a gun, then you'd respect mah authorit-ah.
Galvatron: (transforms into his little used gun mode -HEY! The toy had a
damn gun mode, just cause he never used it in the movie or Tv show or
the comics, doesn't mean I can't use it- the gun lands in front of
Cartman)
Cartman: Wow, what a cool ray gun. (points at Kenny)
Kyle: I really don't think you should do that, Cartman.
Cartman: Ah'll do whatever I want.
Kyle: But-
Cartman: (whinges)
Kyle: But-
Cartman: (whinges)
Kyle: But-
Cartman: (whinges)
Stan: Just let him ok? Proberly doesn't even work.
(Cartman fires at Kenny, who gets charred in a bright purple explosion.)
Stan: Woah, Kenny you ok?
Kenny: (standing perfectly still, and all charred black, nods, then
falls apart in graphic detail)
Kyle: Oh my God! You killed Kenny. (points at Cartman) You Bas-
Cartman: (points gun at Klye) (smiling) You what?
Kyle: Erm, You are, the, best, guy in the world. Yeah, the best guy in
the world.
Stan: Run man, he's gone crazy.
(Stan and Kyle run for it, while Cartman heads off North. Rats eats
Kenny's remains. Mulder and Scully arrive with the Autobots.)
Scully: Lets ask those two boys what's the matter.
Mulder: Which boys?
Scully: Those ones who look like they've seen one of their best friends
kill another one of their best friends before going totally psycho all
because of a new toy handgun, which by rights, should be banned.
Mulder: Scully, has anyone ever told you, how-
Scully: Beautiful I am? How great I would look naked walking on some
guys chest in stilettos? All the time.
Mulder: No, I mean, how boring your voice gets when you make long
speech's.
Scully: (mouth open in shock at the accusation.) You can talk, Mr
Monotone.
Mulder: Your more boring. And you do very bad impressions of Jodie
Foster in the Silence of the Lambs whenever you call Skinner, "Sir."
Prime: Look, not to put to fine a point on it, but could you shut up?
Your sending me to sleep with your boring voices and pointless
bickering.
Mulder + Scully: Sorry. (quietly) You're more boring than I am. No you
are. Stop repeating everything I say. Damnit. Stop doing that.
Prime: (quietly) Sigh, what have I got myself into? Just go and talk to
the human children will you?
(Prime suddenly pulls up, causing the other Autobots to crash into his
trailer section. Mulder and Scully still bickering with each other,
start yelling at the boys, who continue running.)
Mulder: No use. Out of ear shot range.
Scully: (pulls out gun) Not out of gun shot range though (fires off two
rounds, hitting Stan and Klye's legs.)
Stan: OW! Godamnit.
Kyle: MY LEG!
Mulder: Nice shooting.
Scully: I meant them to be warning shots.
Mulder: (whinces) Lets check em out.
Stan: Who, who are you?
Mulder: (show ID with picture of a naked woman in it) F
B
I
(Five minutes later, Mulder and Scully know all about the Galvatron gun,
and that Cartman was heading in the direction of a town he always hated
that was full of yellow skinned freaks claiming to be white. Prime and
co pull away, leaving Stan and Kyle to bleed to death on the snow.)
Stan: Help, please, someone?
Kyle: Hey, is it me, or do those cars have no drivers?
Stan: Must be the loss of blood, no cars can drive by themselves.
(back in the monastery, Buster and Barnett are busy waiting for some
lightning to activate their super secret weapon..)
Barnett: You had to pick the day there's been the clearest skies ever to
try to work this thing.
Buster: Jesus, man, I'm a college drop out, not an engineer, what did
you expect? Precision mechanics? You want a pizza cut to size right, you
call me, you want something done with a car, call my dad.
Barnett: Ah, yes, I knew I had some more news for you. Your father was
found dead.
Buster: WHAT?
Barnett: He was found with what looked like several pistol whippings to
his head, which crushed his skull and killed his last few remaining
brain cells.
Buster: NO! I was going to kill him for sleeping with my girlfriend.
Damnit, you disappear to join a monastery you think is being secretly
run by the CIA , only to later find it's run by III, and then you find
that your father has run off with your girl, and then someone kills him?
All this while trying gain revenge for the death of your older brother.
Sheesh.
Barnett: Yeah, well life can be like that at times. A complete bitch.
Buster: Any idea who killed him, by the way?
Barnett: All we can tell was that it was standard FBI issue.
Buster: Which can only mean
(Cut to Prime on the motorway. Mulder turns to Scully)
Mulder: Ever wondered what happened to that guy you pistol whacked?
Scully: No, he deserved it.
Mulder: Don't you think you hit him a bit hard?
Scully: No, he deserved it.
Mulder: But, do you think he'll be ok?
Scully: No, he deserved it.
Mulder: Right.
Scully: No, he deserved it.
(cut to Springfield USA. Smithers has just got back to find the place a
complete disaster area.)
Smithers: Hmm, nothings much has changed here. Litter is as much as
problem as ever. (turns on radio)
Radio: This is Kent Brookman, annoying you over another medium, as TV
seems to be too vulnerable right now. A little boy with a ray gun is
going around blasting Springfield to the ground. (Smithers turns the
radio off)
Smithers: Did they really think they could fool us with another "War of
the Worlds" type radio show? (Smithers car gets hit by a purple laser
beam) Hmm, my favourite colour. (the car explodes, killing Smithers.)
Nelson Muntz: HAW HAW! (gets vaporised)
Cartman: HAW HAW!
(At that point, the Autobots pull up, Transform and chase after
Cartman.)
Cartman: No. Go away (Whinge) Away. AWAY! (Whine) (Galvatron, sick of
the whinging, Transforms to Robot mode, squashes Cartman, and fires at
the Autobots, inadvertently levelling the Jeremiah Springfield statue)
Mayor Quimpy: Ahh, typical. (brings up phone) Calling Chief Wigham, get
your SWAT team up here, we have, ah, robot troubles.
(inside the cop shop, Whigham, sits at his desk.)
Whigham: Sure, sure, yet me just type it up on this invisible
typewriter, and we'll be there in five minutes. (start to type at an
imaginary typewriter, and hums to the theme of "I love Lucy".)
(Back in the Mayors office, the TV is now playing, Kent is back on the
air, and has a picture of Galvatron with the word, HAIL written above
it.)
Kent : And we all hail our new lord and overmaster.
Quimpy: Ah, turn that, ah, off. Springer is on.
(Mulder and Scully are now talking to a woman in an brown overcoat and a
beret)
Michelle: (Zanny French accent) Lizen, very carefully, I will zay zis,
only w'once.
Scully: What did she say?
Mulder: I don't speak French, I don't know what she said.
Michelle: (Zanny English accent) Okay, chaps.
Scully: Pardon?
Mulder: That accent is so over the top.
Michelle: Look, I'm only going to say this once, so listen to me. Why
do you think I asked you to listen carefully?
Mulder: Sorry.
Michelle: (finger to lips.) Shhh.
Crabtree: (French accent, zanny and WAY over the top) Loosen to her.
Scully: Huh?
Prime: Switch on the Universal Translators.
Prowl: What Universal Translators?
Prime: The ones Landmine and Cloudburst used on the planet full of giant
Amazon women.
Hound: Prime, I think you need to lie down or something.
Mulder: Giant Amazon women?
Scully: Don't even THINK about it, Mulder.
Michelle: Am I just standing here or something?
All: Sorry.
Michelle: (finger to lips) Shhh. Right, here's the plan.
(A commotion is heard outside. The Autobots and Mulder and Scully run
off to investigate)
Michelle: Right, bugger it. I'm off.
(Outside, the Autobots have now engaged Galvatron, who was conveniently
outside tearing up the place, in battle.)
Prime: Surrender Galvatron, or else.
Galvatron: No! (shoots Bumblebee through a wall)
Warpath: KBLAM! At last. (fires a few shots at Galvatron, who simply
tears off Warpaths head)
Hound: Oh boy. It's gonna be one of those days.
Prime: Wheeljack, First-Aid, Fix-it, Hoist and Grapple are going to have
a field day of repairs after this. (throws a car at Galvatrons head,
hitting him square on the forehead)
Galvatron: Damnit, I'd nearly recovered my mind as well.
Prowl: Wait, you mean, you accept that you've had trouble?
Galvatron: Had? I'm stuck in the past of an alternate reality, where I
know I will never rule? I've beaten a past version of myself to a pulp
just for the heck of it, I've survied a starship crash, been beaten by a
giant robot, and then left to freeze in a lake. HOW WOULD YOU COPE?
Prowl: Well, maybe I would try to get off world?
Galvatron: HOW?
Prowl: By thumbing a ride?
Galvatron:
would you?
Prime: Don't see why not.
Hound: Erm, Bumblebee? Warpath? What about them?
Prime: What about them?
Hound: Are you really going to let him get away with their murders and
offer him a lift home?
Galvatron: In my time, I ruled Earth, and the few Autobots who remained
who remained fighting were disillusioned losers. And I ruled North
America with an (looks at fist) what metals are we made of? (The
Autobots shrug) Never mind. And I was posed to wipe out humanity., and
maybe with a lift back to Cybertron, I can do the same here.
(The Autobots and Mulder and Scully look at each other, nod, then fire
every weapon they have at Galvatron. Mulder is firing BOTH his guns,
while Prowl and Hound are firing their shoulder missiles at Galvatron.
Prime is shooting his Great Big F*cking Gun.)
Scully: Oh, someone's watched "The Matrix's".
(The Autobots look confused for a moment, then attack again. Blaster is
sending out his cassettes to help. As each one ejects, they yell, "Buy
me." Eventully, after five hours, Galvatron's exo frame is destroyed,
and leaving him a mostly charred wreck.)
Prime: Thank Primus that is over.
Prowl: Lets go, bye Agents. Nice to now you.
Mulder: Bye guys, keep the faith.
Buster: Er, right.
Scully: Mulder
Mulder: Not now, I'm waving bye, bye to alien robots.
Scully: But Mulder
Prime: Agents, Mulder, Scully, without your help, we could never have
done this. The Universe owes you one.
(The Autobots leave. Mulder looks thoughful)
Mulder: Let that prove that the X-files is not a grand waste of time,
that the Truth is really out there, and that we are one step closer to
finding it, and that black lunged SOB, ain't gonna stop us.
Scully: Mulder, this is all very nice, nice speech and everything but,
one little thing.
Mulder: Shoot.
Scully: Oh so tempting.
Mulder: Come on, your point.
Scully: Ok, how are we supposed to get home? Our car is miles away?
EPILOGUE
(Later, in Skinners Office)
Skinner: (really pissed off, veins showing in his forehead) Ok, explain
THIS one, people.
Mulder: Erm.
Scully: Er.
Mulder: Flibble.
Skinner: Good enough.
(elsewhere
at Galvatrons remains.)
Cobra Commander: My, my, what's this? Cybetronian technology? (to his
army) Pick it up boys, we may manage to salvage some alien hardware
AFTER all. And lets all not forget the Megatron incident, eh?
(in the monastery)
Barnett: Face it, Buster, we could be here the rest of our lives before
we get some lightning for this thing.
O: Hi, Buster.
Buster: O? Haven't seen you since that time I yelled at you and Jesse
years ago.
O: Yeah, she told me about your dad, I'm real sorry.
Buster: Yeah, well, it happens.
O: Well, she's invited me over to stay with her, and well, one thing
lead to another, and
Buster: You didn't.
Barnett: Him? Have
Buster: Sex?
O: Yeah, well. Sorry about that.
Barnett: How in the hell could you see what you were doing with THAT
gut?
O: HEY! I'm not fat, I'm big boned.
Buster: O
and Jesse
MY Jesse?
Barnett: (frowning) Weren't you going to kill your dad for sleeping with
her?
(The most evil smile comes across Busters face.)
Buster: (picking up a pike used for opening windows) Run fat boy.
O: Oh my god, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(On the Cybertronian ship, Steelhaven, Prime and company are busy
discussion what has happened)
Prime: And them, we won.
Autobots: YAY!
Bumblebee: Prime, what did you do with the matrix after you were
rebuilt?
Prime: Why, I put it back in my chest, along with a few other bits and
pieces. (opens chest, we see things like baseballs, cricket bats, soccer
balls, playbot magazines, Hi-Q's trapped corpse, a few nanites and of
course the Matrix) You see? Safe and sound.
Hound: It's just the human female mentioned something about the human
male seeing the matrix.
(Keanu Reeves enters in a black trench coat, black trousers, shirt and
shades)
Keanu: I hear the matrix is here. Mind telling me what it is?
Prime: Why yes, it's our sacred life force, and a weapon powerful enough
to destroy fallen gods.
Keanu: Thought so, (whips out guns and starts blasting away at the
Autobots.)
Brawn: MY SHOULDER! ARGH! (Dies)
Ironhide: Brawn, mah god, Prhame, he just shot - (Ironhide is filled
full of holes and falls down to the ground)
Prowl: I'll deal with him
(Prowl starts shooting at Keanu who backflips out of the way while
shards of metal from the cargo bay are torrn up all around him. He lands
in front of Prowl and shoots him once.)
Prowl: ARGH! (burns from the inside and dies)
Prime: RETREAT! (The Autobots flee)
Keanu: I'll have to get the matrix and destroy it.
Ironhide: (crawling on the floor, grabs Keanu's legs) NOO!
Keanu: Don't talk crap (Blows Ironhide's head clean off)
Will the Autobots survive? Will Keanu destroy the matrix? Find out in,
"The Matrix Quest"
FIN
--
David Hopper