More Than Meets the Files: Part II

More Than Meets the Files: Part II:
The Matrix Quest.
An obscenely long (18 pages, sorry) X-files/Transformers crossover
parody, featuring cameos from other cartoon shows. ЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕ
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By David "Obsession" Hopper.
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Forenote: Set during season 5 of the X-Files, and after the G2
Transformer's comic book had concluded back in the early 90's and just a
few days after the events of "More Then Meets The Files". Naturally it
takes place before Beast Wars, or after Beast Wars, or, oh whateverЕ
Cobra Commander has had the remains of Galvatron brought back to his
headquarters. Mulder and Scully are now writing their reports, while
awaiting a new assignment. Buster, now clinically insane, is chasing his
former best friend "O" around a monastery. Buster thought it was being
used as a secret base by the CIA, but was really being run by Triple I
as part of an attempt to build more advance anti robot equipment. Buster
had devised the perfect weapon, but never got the right conditions to
activate it. The Autobots on board their vessel. Steelhaven, were just
being desscimated by Keanu Reeves and are right now fighting for their
lives after at least two of them were killed.
In case you've read Spoof Trek 3, and your not familiar with Transformer
history and your wondering why the Dinobots are talking differently,
it's quite simple. In the comics on which this parody is based on, only
Grimlock spoke like he was retarded. In the cartoons which Spoof Trek 3
borrowed the Transformers from, ALL the Dinobots were retarded,
especially Sludge.
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(Meanwhile the scene opens outside Cobras new castle based world
headquarters, two cars, one black, one white, pull up, and giggle
inanely. They Transform into more or less identical robots.)

Runabout: Hehehehe, Hey, Runamuck.
Runamuck: What?
Runabout: Wanna get out the spray paint?
Runamuck: Whatdaya wanna write this time?
Runabout: Alieta one gives good head?
Ruanmuck: Uhuh. Wait.
Runabout: What?
Runamuck: You wanna have Prime chase you down?
Runabout: So what about we write "Tracks is gay"?
Runamuch: (shaking a spray can) Uhuh. Yeah, Tracks is Gay.

(Meanwhile, in the FBI's basement, er, Mulder's office that is. Skinner
walks in. Or, at least try's to. The door is blocked with about ten
years worth of porn mags. Eventually he pushes through to findЕ)

Skinner: Where the hell are they? (turns to two people behind him, not
in shot) They must be in the cafeteria. Now come on, and no talking at
all. I've heard enough of your voices to last me a lifetime.

(Skinner and his shadows exit and go into the cafeteria, where Mulder
and Scully are busy hitting the Pepsi dispensers with their guns, trying
to get free drinks. Skinner walks in.)

Mulder: Damn things. Always worked for Krychek.
Skinner: Mulder.
Mulder: Skinner?
Skinner: Mulder?
Mulder: Skinner?
Scully: S'ir?
Skinner: (whinces at Scully's terrible impression of Jodie Foster in
Silence of the Lambs) Must you always do that?
Scully: Do what, S'ir?
Skinner: That. Stop it.
Scully: S'ir?
Skinner: Ok, ok, sheesh, why can't I have competent agents?
Mulder: Hey, you hired us.
Skinner: Only because you were cheap.
Scully: (annoyed) Hey.
Skinner: (ignoring Scully) Anyway, here's your new assignment. These two
high school students are to shadow you for the next week. Any questions?
No? Good. Bye. (Skinner rushes off.)
Mulder: (approaches the two boys) So, what are you names son?
Butt head: Uhuh. He said son. As in sun shinning out of your butt.
Beavis: Hehehehe. Yeah.

(Mulder and Scully exchange looks of "what the f***?". Cut to a certain
secretly government funded monastery. Buster has O trapped in a side
room.)

O: Oh, come on Buster, please don't. Please? PLEASE!
Buster: (produces a knife set) But, O, you will make such a nice
barbecue.
O: (Mouth perfectly performing an impression of his nickname)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(O's scream shakes the building a bit. On a snow covered mountain, a
small landslide wipes out a few sheep. We cut to the Autobot vessel
Steelhaven. Keanu has now been successfully captured, and is being led
to an air lock.)

Keanu: (woodenly) THERE WIL BE SEQUELS! SEQUELS I TELL YOU! AND OTHER ROLES!
First-Aid: Sure, like your gonna get the role of Aragorn in the Lord of
the Rings movies.
Blaster: Or the part of Wolverine in the X-men movie. Have you lost your
mind buddy?
Bumblebee: (nudging Blaster) I keep telling you, different continuity.
Just coz we bumped into Spider man in our earlier daysЕ
Blaster: Who? Oh, whatever. Ready, First-Aid?
Keanu: I know Kung Fu.
Bumblebee: (bluntly) So does Jazz.
First-Aid: On three?
Keanu: As a medic, as a doctor, it's your job to save lives. Surely you
must have sworn a Hippocratic oath?
First-Aid: Sure I did, thing is, I'm a hypocrite. (First-Aid pushes
Keanu out of the air lock, some how Keanu survives so that he can make
future movies) I also enjoy killing things. God, that guy sucked. He
really, really sucked.
Bumblebee: Look, I know we are robots, and we don't really need to
breath, though we have on occasion mentioned the air quality in our
shows, but don't we still need to keep an airlock system pressurised to
prevent us being sucked out into space?
Blaster: Duh. What do you think we use force fields for?
Bumblebee: That's Star Trek The Next Generation, idiot.
Data: (missing his Que.) Correction, that's blown out.
First-Aid: What you doing here? And why did you come in so late on your
lines? Get out. (First-Aid pushes Data out)
Data: Fascinating. Is that Bruce Willis?
Blaster: Well, later dudes, I gotta go catch up on my Earth music.
(Blaster hits the Play button on his chest, "Word Up" by Mel G starts to
boom out of his legs (yeah, she's changed her name now she's married)
Jazz comes on and break dances for no reason.)

(Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far away. The Super Star Destroyer is on
manoeuvres. Suddenly a loud voice yells "FORE!" and a giant golf club
hits one of the golf ball things of the top of the bridge section of the
ship. Seconds later another voice yells, and the other ball goes the
same way. Galactus and Unicron step onto the Star Destroyer and look at
each other.)

Unicron: I do so love these millennial matches we have. It makes a nice
change to all the constant destruction we must go through for no other
reason then to give Marvel comics superhero's something to do on a
Saturday.
Galactus: Indeed it does, though I still hunger. (puts his fist through
a section of the Star Destroyer and attempts to eat the metal.) Yeuck.
It is at times like this, I remember why you go after so many metal
planets, while I take the ones with the soft flesh creatures. And then I
am grateful indeed for the situation being what it is. What are they
called again? The soft, flesh, things?
Unicron: Ants, I believe. But the reason I go for metallic life forms is
simple. If I was seen consuming organic life forms in the opening
sequence of Transformers The Movie, the rating would have gone up to a
PG 13 in the US or a 12 in the UK. (to camera) OR an equivalent grade in
your country if you reside outside of either.
Galactus: (looks confused for a minute, then picks up an older thread of
the conversation) Which is why they decided to let Ultra Magnus say
"Damn it"? And Spike got to say "Oh shit"? And what about all those
Transformers graphically murdered?
Unicron: HAH! All that explosion did was to give me a minor headache.
Galactus: What explosion?
Unicron: Oh, the one that happened just before Spike said that line. I
felt a little ill, so I took it out later via my telepathic retort on my
slave, Galvatron.
Galactus: Didn't you die near the end of the movie?
Unicron: No, my body blew up. They say it was the Matrix that did it,
but it was really a case of bad gas. My head on the other hand,
survived. Thus, so did my mind. Besides. We're using the comic
continuity here.
Galactus: But you died in the comics as well. Same situation, only a few
months, ago as far as this parody is concerned.
Unicron: Did I? Shit. Well, there must be a good reason for me being
here. I'll be off to Earth, I'm bound to find my answers there. And
after that, I have a date with a Death Star. (Unicron Transforms into
Planet mode, this takes a few minutes, and ends up with him looking a
lot like the Death star, with the hole more along the trench line with
two massive claws either side of it, and a giant metal ring circling
around him. He jumps into Hyperspace and is gone.)
Galactus: (mumbling) Asshole.

(Back in the Cafeteria, Mulder and Scully are deciding what to do with
their new charges)

Mulder: So, what are you boys into?
Beavis: Hehehehehe. Women. Hehehehe.
Butt head: Yeah, right. Women.
Scully: Any hobbies? (notice Butt Head scratching his groin) No, don't
tell me. I think I can guess.
Butt Head: Would you like to take over?
Scully: No, but I'd like you to stop.
Butt head: Why?
Scully: This is a public place.

(The cafeteria is empty. Just then, a tour goes by the open door. A
little girl stops, gasp, tugs at her mothers hand, shows her what Butt
Head is doing, and gets dragged away by her mother.)

Mulder: Scully, I have an idea on how to keep these two occupied.

(Mulder's office. Beavis and Butt Head are sitting in a corner
"researching" the playboy and penthouse magazines.)

Scully: Good idea. But how did those magazines get in the way of the
door?
Mulder: (looking over his latest report) I think I know, Scully: I found
this cigarette stub over the report I typed of what happened in Oregon a
few days back.
Scully: (head held in hands already) OhЕ GOD!
Mulder: Yes, we must return, to Oregon.
Beavis: Oregon? Nothing happens in Oregon.

(Meanwhile, in Oregon, peace negotiations between Springfield and South
Park are breaking down again.)

Quimpy: Ah, yes, I have to admit that we took massive damage due to the
unprovoked attack by a little boy with anЕ alien ray gun, which for
once, was not due toЕ Bart Simpson.

(Everyone from Springfield looks at Bart with their usual annoyed
looks.)

Bart: WHAT?
Millhouse: (hiding in the shadows) Hey, Bart, guess what?
Bart: What?
Millhouse: I decided, I wanna be the nextЕ (steps out of shadows, a
completely changed boy) Marilyn Mansion.
Kyle's Mom: This is a disgrace against common decency. I move that the
little boy be removed from the floor and be circumcised.
Quimpy: (stand up sharply with a finger in the air) That is, ah,
unacceptable.
Krusty: Yeah, do you know how much it hurt to have a new one MADE for
me?

(Silence as everyone looks at Krusty.)

Krusty: I, gotta go. (he sprints off and crashes into a nearby post)
D'OH!
Quimpy: I still say the circumcising of that little boy is unacceptable.
South Parks Mayor: Do it, and we will reimburse you for your loses
during the attack.
Quimpy: Deal.

(Millhouse is dragged away screaming out of the town hall of Oregon, and
across the road, only to be taken to a room inside the cop shop where a
certain Quack is going to perform the operation. Mulder, Scully and
Beavis and Butt Head pull up, completely too late to see what happened
to Millhouse. They all get out. Scully has chosen not to wear a skirt
due to the raging hormone levels of MTV's finest. Mulder is wearing his
usual garb, while Butt Head is trying his best to imitate Mulder's dress
sense, he's even copied the hairstyle. Beavis steps out. He is wearing
one of Scully's skirts. Butt head and Mulder crack up laughing, while
Scully goes for her gun, then thinks better of it.)

Beavis: (singing) I'm in her panties, I'm in her pantiesЕ
Scully: Mulder, remind me to burn those clothes.

(Outside Cobra headquarters, Runabout and Runamuck are, er, talking
perverted deeds, and spraying graffiti.)

Ruanmuck: Hey, waitaminute. Ain't we supposed to be dead?
Runabout: Hehehehe, yeah, so why are we here?
Runamuck: (scratches groin.) I dunno. Maybe if I, like, check my script.
(reads through something that looks like a PADD from Star Trek Voyager.)
Oh, right.
Runabout: Well? What do you make of it?
Runamuck: A hat, (puts it on head) a planeЕ

(Runamuck throws it at a rock where it explodes. The debris go
everywhere knocking the two Decepticons out. In fact the explosion wakes
up Cobra Commander whose sleeping in his four poster bed. We can see
various portraits of Hitler, Mussolini and other fascist leaders of the
20th century. Stalin also had a place there.)

Cobra Commander: What was that? (get's out of bed, revealing himself to
be wearing Cobra symbol patterned boxer shorts.) I've got a bad feeling
about this. (goes to his bedroom door, opens it, looks out, shoots his
head back in.) I knew I should never have brought the Dreadknocks with
me here. Their wrecking the place.

(cut to the corridor outside. The Dreadknocks are busy tearing the place
apart. Five Ming vases lie ruined on the floor, while potted plants and
priceless paintings have been smashed and torn by chainsaws. Cobra
Commander comes back into his bed.)

Cobra Commander: Wait, what's that smell?
Cancerman: That would be me.
Cobra Commander: You?
Cancerman: Me. (passes out a cigarette) you sleep with that towel on
your head as well?
Cobra Commander: (refuses the cigarette) Yes, so that people who know me
don't ID me...
Cancerman: Uh huh. What if I was to tell you that I knew, and could
prove that you weren't who you said you were?
Cobra Commander: I'd call you a liar.
Cancerman: What if I was to tell you that a body had been found with a
gunshot wound, whose dental records ID him as YOU!?
Cobra Commander: I'd call you a liar.
Cancerman: What's my name?
Cobra Commander: Cancerman.
Cancerman: That's my script name, since my name has not yet been
revealed. But you know my name.
Cobra Commander: Erm, I do?
Cancerman: We've met before, Fred.
Cobra Commander: SHH! We have?
Cancerman: Yes, I was there for your son Billy's birthday party. I was
the clown.
Cobra Commander: You were?
Cancerman: You haven't the foggiest who I am, do you?
Cobra Commander: Erm, no, I don't.
Cancerman: Okay, we'll keep it this way. But right now, you have the
chance to get your hands on some more Cybertronian technology. I've got
some of my men here, their bringing them in.
Cobra Commander: Why here?
Cancerman: Convenience to the plot. Meet my best man.
Krychek: (stepping out of the shadows) Never knew you cared that way for
any woman. Sides Mulders mother maybe.
Cancerman: Silence. Now, get me a report on the robots status.
Krychek: Their being towed in now. The lab boys are drooling over the
technical readouts even now.
Cobra Commander: Excuse me, but do you only have one arm? Isn't that a
little too much? I mean, I liked the Fugitive as much as the next guy,
but this, good grief.
Krychek: And why do you wear a towel over your head, eh?
Cancerman: Lets not go down that path again, eh?
Krychek: Remind me, why am I working for you these days?
Cancerman: Because I have special technology that can make you a new
arm.
Krychek: Good for me. (walks off)
Cancerman: But once your tied down to an operating table, I'm going to
have my lab boys skin you alive instead.

(Cancerman and Cobra Commander break down laughing. Krychek comes back
in)

Krychek: I went into a closet by mistake. Damn doors all look the same
here. What's so funny?

(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)

Their ship was screwed by semi sentient Hyperspace aliens, they were
screwed by TNT, now see the crew of the Excaliber get screwed byЕ
A lazy parody writer who came up with an idea off the top of his head,
and then couldn't be bothered to do any development for it.

Gallen: Oh well, it was a nice series while it lastedЕ

(Maniacal laughter rings out as weЕ)

(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(Mulder, Scully and the boy wonders are now getting back into their car.
Milhouse manages to run screaming out of the Hospital, only to be run
over by Mulder who doesn't realise what just happened)

Mulder: (shaking from impact) Damn speed traps.
Scully: Ok, cut to the exposition, Mulder.
Mulder: According to the shop keeper, a middle age man who scarred the
shit out of him ordered two hundred packs of cigarettes, there was also
a young man with his left hand in his pocket all the time wearing a
leather jacket.
Beavis: Cool.

(Mulder and Scully look at Beavis until he picks his nose)

Mulder: (grimaces) Anyhow, they were last seen heading off towards a
place called Cobra Castle. Which is where we are heading now.
Butt Head: Cool.

(Mulder and Scully look at Butt Head until he scratches his butt)

Scully: (turning away as quick as possible) The sooner this week is over
the better.

(Shot of Cobra Castle, which resembles a cross between a medieval
fortress and a mansion. It has a huge red Cobra statue on top of it Cut
inside, to a Lab where Runabout and Runamuck are having their heads
removed by the lab boys.)

Lab boy: Hey, this thing has an "Intel Inside" sticker on it
All Lab Techs: Ewww.
Cobra Commander: The Head Master process is going to be difficult. It
will take several hours to remove the equipment from the robots head and
place it inside their bodies to compensate for what you will be doing
with their heads. Also creating new suits for you out of the heads and
the controls that will be necessary will take several hours to fine tune
after completion.
Cancerman: Spoken like a true technician. Are you sure you're the real
Cobra Commander?
Cobra Commander: Hey, I was a car sales man once you know. I know a bit
about machines.
Cancerman: Yeah, yeah. Krychek, where are my cigs?
Krychek: All I could get were herbal.
Cobra Commander: Didn't you buy two hundred packs before hand?
Cancerman: Yeah. I smoked em.
Runamucks decapitated head: Uhuhuhuhuh. Smoked em.

(Cobra Commander, Cancerman and Krychek look at each other confused for
a moment. Meanwhile, inside a corridoor, Mulder, Scully and Beavis and
Butt head are being pursued by several armed Troops in blue uniforms
with Red Cobras on the front. )

Scully: How do we get into this?
Beavis and Butt Head: Uh uhuhuhuhuhuhuh. Hehehehe. Into this. Yeah. Into
this.
Mulder: As I remember we shot our way past several armed guards when
they freaked when we showed our ID's, which means these guys must be
villains.
Scully: (covers her face as shrapnel from a wall covers her) You don't
say?
Mulder: Yeah, I do say. (pulls out his gun, turns around and points at
the troopers) FBI! (Fires off some warning shots, but Mulder being
Mulder, he shoots off the Troopers kneecaps) Opps.
Scully: Great shot.
Mulder: I was aiming for the vase.
Scully: Why?
Mulder: Warning shot.
Scully: Е Fine. Now just get some answers from them. And not something
to do with baseball.
Mulder: Ok, speak you bastard. WHERE IS MY SISTER?
Scully: We're not dealing with that plot point Mulder. This is the Giant
Robots plot point we are trying to wrap up.
Mulder: (pauses for a minute) Oh. Ok, where is the Black Lunged Son Of A
Bitch Tm?
Trooper #1: I dunno who your talking about.
Mulder: What about you?
Trooper #2: Erm, their on the floor above.
Mulder: Thanks.

(Mulder and Scully leave. So do Beavis and Butt Head, just in the wrong
way.)

Trooper #1: Why'd you tell him where they were?
Trooper #2: Man, you saw how good a shot that guy is. I didn't want to
lose anything else. Besides their being guarded byЕ

(cut to the floor above. The Dreadknocks are still tearing the floor up.
Mudler and Scully enter, and instantly gain unwanted attention)

Sculy: I have a BAD feeling about this.
Mulder: So shoot. Aim for the tyres.

(Mudler and Scully try to blow off the tyres but end up blowing up the
gas tanks sending the Dreadknocks off their bikes which go hurtling into
some fresh troopers that just turned up from a side door. Mulder and
Scully enter Cobra Commanders room to find it deserted. Cut to
Steelhaven)

Optimus Prime: Autobots, it has come to my attention that a very
dangerous matter is at hand on Earth. Two Decepticons are undergoing the
Head Master process. (Tracks looks up, several other Autobots back away
from him) Not THAT kind of Head Master process. How they got to Earth
without us noticing is unimportant. (cut to the radar room, Seaspray is
trying to tell Perceptor what he picked up on sensors, through sign
language) But we must do something, therefore I am assembling a strike
force made up of the following Head Masters. Hardhead.
First-Aid: Dead.
Prime: How?
First-Aid: Crushed by Unicron.
Prime: Ok, moving on, Brainstorm.
First-Aid: Dead. First to go. Shish kebabed, then eaten by Unicron.
Prime: Highbrow?
First-Aid: (claps his hands together) By Unicron.
Prime: Chromdome, he's alive, I know I saw him afterwards.
First-Aid: His partner, Styleor is modelling on Earth for Jean Paul
Gautia.
Prime: Е Nightbeat then.
First-Aid: Dead, died in the Swarm attack.
Blaster: So did Prime. (The Autobots hit him into silence)
Prime: Yes, but I got better. Again. What about Hosehead? Siren?
First-Aid: Their alive butЕ
Prime: Yes?
First-Aid: Their Nebulan Head Master partners have divorced themselves
from them.
Prime: (suppresses a groan) Fortress Maximus?
First-Aid: Dead. Suicide.
Prime: (slaps forehead) What kind of a freaking army am I running here?
First-Aid: One where you have to be careful about bot's like Hot Rod who
have their eye on the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Me?
First-Aid: Yeah you, you are after all, the next leader.

(All the Autobots break down at the thought of Hot Rod leading them)

Grimlock: Me Grimlock rather be led by Ultra Magnus.
Hot Rod: HEY!
Bumblebee: Why not just send EVERY Autobot down to the planet, that way
we can ALL be used by the writer?
Prime: Do you Realise how MANY there are of us here?
Wheeljack: Yeah, we've lost more troops in our time then our spin off,
Beast Wars has ever had in service at any one time on BOTH sides.
Prime: Speaking of Beast Wars I now know WHY I was in such a funny
position when the Ark revived me.

(FLASHBACK)

(Primes corpse is bent over a console while Cheetor is approaching him
from behind.)

Optimus Primal: Cheetor! What the hell do you think your doing to
Optimus Primes' corpse?

(END FLASHBACK)

(The Autobots all cringe, except Tracks.)

Prime: So, if we ever have a crossover with the Maximals, (Cheetor
appears on the screen) There will be a TEN THOUSAND SHANIX reward to the
Autobot who brings me the head of Cheetor.
Tracks: (raises an eyebrow) What about the Decepticons on Earth?
Prime: I knew there was something I was forgetting. Ok, I'll arrange a
team of our most dangerous Pychos, lead by Grimlock of course.
Jazz: So, that means the Dinobots are all in the team them?
Swoop: HEY! Me and Sludge aren't pychos.
Sludge: Yeah.
Swoop: Sludge is just retarded.
Sludge: Thank yo- HEY!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock select team by using logic, whatever that means.

(The Autobots all groan at that last comment. Meanwhile, the Dinobots
drag on a large container)

Grimlock: Everyone write their name on paper, and me Grimlock pull out
team members from contain, erm, store, er, big hollow metal thing.

(Everyone, even the other Dinobots slap their heads in unison. This
causes a loud metallic bang that reverberates around the hall.
Meanwhile, in the radar room, Seaspray turns away from Perceptor for a
minute to look at the monitor)

Seaspray: *GURGLE* Great big *GURGLE* coming.
Perceptor: What? I still can't make out a word your saying, even after
spending the last four million years with you.
Seaspray: Great *GURGLE* big *GURGLE* coming.
Perceptor: Speak slowly.
Seaspray: In Primus *GURGLE* Name. *GURGLE* big *GURGLE* coming.
Perceptor: Sorry?
Seaspray: UNI *GURGLE* CRON!
Perceptor: Your going to have to resort to the old way of communicating
my pint sized friend.
Seaspray: (holds out his hand with one finger up)
Perceptor: One word? A name, yes, two syllables. First syllable, school?
Sounds like? Sounds like School? Similar to School? University? Short
for University? College? No? Uni then? Uni? Yes, Uni. Ok, second
syllable. Having trouble? Ok, just write it down then. (takes a pad from
Seaspray) JUMPING JEOSHAPHAT! Why didn't you tell me earlier?
Seaspray: What the *GURGLE* did you think I *GURGLE* doing?
Perceptor: No time for this. I got to tell Prime.

(Elsewhere, a dark elsewhere.)

Mulder: What is this?
Scully: Looks like a closet.
Mulder: Well, I'm coming out of it.
Scully: The closet? Hmm, Mulder, I never realised you swung that way.

(Meanwhile, Grimlock is busy selecting his team.)

Grimlock: Who Wheelie?

(everyone shrugs)

Hot Rod: That's some guy from the cartoon continuity.
Grimlock: What we in?
Hot Rod: Comic books.
Grimlock: Oh well, we got enough for team now. (Grimlock points to his
team which includes his fellow Dinbots) By the count. (everyone looks
confused at the idea of Grimlock counting) Erm, ok, here who, who.
First, Swoop. You do flying stuff. Slag, do fire stuff, Snarl, do tail
stuff, Sludge, do whatever you do.

(The Dinobots shrug, wondering why they follow this simpleton, and march
off to the shuttle.)

Grimlock: Next, First-Aid. He act as medic and will perform any mercy
killing that may need doing.
First-Aid: Or NOT needed. (the Autobots all cower in a corner in fear,
First-Aid leaves)
Grimlock: Next, he ain't gotten any or years, and him mad as hell.
Springer: Shut up about my love life.
Grimlock: More like lack of it.
Springer: Why you littleЕ
Grimlock: Don't forget you Springer's appointment with Doc First-Aid.
(makes a downward motion that we can't quite see. Springer leaves) Next,
an Aerialbot who name been stolen by Beast Wars freak. Silverbolt.
Silverbolt: (looking out of a porthole window and feeling sick at the
sheer height the ship is at the moment) Mmmmmmh. Gonna puke.
Hot Rod: (to Blurr) And he calls himself a jet.
Grimlock: Red Alert never used in mainstream US comic books. So him
royally pissed.
Red Alert: Got that right.
Hot Rod: (quietly to Blurr) Who'd of thought Grimlock would use words
like "mainstream"?
Grimlock: Him also re-paint of Sideswipe.
Red Alert: No I am not. It's a conspiracy I tell you.
Hot Rod: Which mean him more likely to be related to Sideswipe and
Sunstreaker.
Sunstreaker: You reckon? Maybe we're triplets after all this time.
Grimlock: Next and last on team is ancient warrior Kup. Him will be
acting as cannon fodder with Silverbolt.
Kup: (dazed) Martha?
Hot Rod: Oh no, the old gezzers ran out of his medicine, again. I better
go with him.

(As soon as Perceptor enters the room, a console blows up, sending
robots everywhere. When everyone comes two, Prime is burried under a few
tons of rubble. The Autobots run to help him, and after a few minutes,
thanks to the effort of the dedicated and observant Autobots, Bumblebee
is now buried and Prime is free, though groggy.)

Prime: MustЕ pass onЕ MatrixЕ to another.
Perceptor: Prime, your wounds aren't fatal.
Bumblebee: (still buried and leaking oil) So cold.
Hot Rod: Shut up Bug.
Prime: Can't feel my legs. Must pass on Matrix to new leader while you
lot build me a new body.
Wheeljack: ANOTHER ONE? Prime, that'll be the (does some working out on
his fingers) Fifth since the crash on Earth.
Prime: Look at it this way. It keeps me off the streets. Grimlock, you
take over leadership.
Perceptor: Him? Again? That'll be the (works on a blackboard) third time
you've let him take over.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock was elected first time. Him Prime made me leader
with dying breath LAST time.
Blaster: And boy, where you a tyrant the first time round.
Grimlock: What you say?
Blaster: And boy, where you a tyrant the first time round.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock thought that what you Blaster had said. Must get
up early to fool Grimlock.
Blaster: (muttering) Not TOO early, though.

(Prime takes the Matrix out and passes it to Grimlock, who drops it. Hot
Rod dives to the floor and catches it. It glows, but no one notices it
doing that. The words IMPORTANT PLOT POINT flash on screen for a second
before Hot Rod is covered with various other Autobots who also made a
dive for the Matrix. Cut to a shot of the Earth with the moon orbiting
it and Steelhaven releasing a shuttlecraft. As the camera pulls out past
Mars, we suddenly see Unicron approaching Mars with a piece of a man
made probe in his mouth.)

Unicron: (Burps) Hmm, Voyager two was tasty.

(Inside the lab in Cobra Castle, Cancerman is showing off another peace
of equipment to Cobra Commander. Galvatrons remains are being dragged to
it.)

Cancerman: It's called an R-Chamber, I think. It's used by the
Transformers to repair damage to their systems. I think it ought to be
useful getting data from that guy's CPU's. (points to the remains of
Galvatron)
Cobra Commander: Great, when will he be ready?
Cancerman: A few hours I think.

(Cobra Commander and Cancerman leave while the Lab techs look over the
systems used in the R chamber.)

Tech #1: Hey, the computer has picked up TWO designs for robots using
the same basic design schematics here.
Tech #2: So?
Tech #1: So which do I use?
Tech #2: Flip a coin, why should I care? We can always come back later
after we've copied one design and reformat later to the other one.
Tech #1: You sure?
Tech #2: No, but do I look like I care?

(Back in Sickbay on Steelhaven, Wheeljack and Perceptor are repairing
Primes body.)

Prime: So Perceptor, why did you come in that room just then anyhow?
Perceptor: Didn't I tell you? Unicron is coming.
Prime: Holy crap. Who got the Matrix?

(On the Shuttle, the Dinobots are busy playing basket ball with the
matrix.)

Hot Rod: Guys, I'm sure that ain't a good idea.
Grimlock: ME Grimlock leader.
Hot Rod: No, you Grimlock retard. Shit. Did I just say that outloud?

(Hot Rod runs for it. Meanwhile, in a certain monastery, a lightning
strike suddenly hits the steeple, runs down the conductor and brings
life to Busters creation, BUT! The voltage is too much and fry's the
equipment leading to the creation and the power surges through the room
killing any humans in there. Buster and Barnet come in with coffee to
see the creation gone thanks to a nearby big robot sized hole in the
wall.)

Barnet: Oh, Terrific. Triple I ain't gonna like this.
Buster: Just arrange another whatjamacallit.
Barnet: You mean?
Buster: Yeah, ANOTHER lobotomy. It's what you guys seem to do all the
time.
Barnet: Only when we're coming close to the truth.
Buster: Oh.
Barnet: You didn't REALLY eat him, did you?
Buster: Who?
Barnet: "O".
Buster: (picking at his teeth) No, what makes you say that? (pulls out a
piece of flesh)
Barnet: Oh, nothing.

(Inside the lab, the lab techs have broke for lunch quoting union rules
to scare off Cancerman and Cobra Commander, who leave for lunch as well.
Krychek heads off to make use of the can. Beavis and Butt Head sneak in,
see the armour and decide to dress up and play Robocop. No sooner are
they in the armour, then they start hitting each other, and kicking and
beating the hell out of each other in various ways, accidentally setting
off the transformation protocols and transforming into the heads of
Runamuck and Runabout. These heads merge with the bodies and create the
perfect symbiosis of perverted robot and humans ever to er, grace the
world.)

(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(Wheeljack stands up from his seat. A human can be seen sitting next to
him in the shadows.)

Wheeljack: Hi, I'm Wheeljack. Some of you might know me as the freaky
short Autobot technician with no mouth and ears that light up whenever I
talked. (looking at someone off camera) TRACKS! NOT A WORD! (looking at
camera) You may also know that I build things that occasionally work.
That is why I'm endorsing this, WINDOWS 2000!

(The human stands up to revealЕ)

Bill Gates: Lets have a demonstration.

(No sooner do they run the machine, then the picture goes dead.)

Wheeljack: I KNEW we should have had a separate machine to run the demo
on. I mean what kind of idiot tests new software on the machine that's
broadcasting an advert for the product LIVE over the world?
Bill Gate: Byte me.

Announcer: Windows 2000, it'll work. Some of the timeЕ

(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(The Battle chargers and Beavis and Butt Head have now flown the coup
and are in New York City, spray painting the statue of Liberty to
resemble Scully)

Runamuck: Hey, you reckon under that toga she's naked? She is French
after all.
Beavis: (Transformed into Runabouts head) Uh huh. Then she'll have hairy
pits. Now, what does this button do? (Runabout about turns and flys off
back to Oregon) Uh huh, cool.

(Meanwhile in the shuttlecraft's bridge. The Dinobots are shooting at
Hot Rod)

Hot Rod: Cut it out, you could hit the controls and send us spinning
into our deaths.

(The controls get shot, the shuttle veers off course, and Runabout
crashes into the hull, tearing the ship in half, and sending the two
parts in different directions. Meanwhile, outside Castle Cobra, Mulder
and Scully are leaving.)

Scully: So we didn't find anything here, despite a large search and
those kids going missing. At least Skinner isn't likely to yell at us
about losing THEM!
Mulder: I suppose not.

(From a distance, obviously in the castle, a sniper's target sight rests
on Mulders head as they get into the car. As Mulder and Scully start to
leave in their car, the remains of the rear end of the shuttle - with
Runabout screaming at the front of it - crashes into Cobra HQ. A
gunshoot rings out, nailing a passing Bald Eagle.)

Mulder: What was that?
Scully: (looks out her window.) They must have had an accident with
their gas. The entire place just blew up. Lets just go eh?
Mulder: Yeah, I'm hungry. Lets get some donuts in a shop in that town in
Oregon. (Mulder drives over the dead body of the Bald Eagle) Damned
speed traps.

(The car pulls away. Meanwhile in Oregon. The Treaty between Springfield
and South Park has just been signed. The Mayors off all three towns
involved are there for a photo op, with the residents of South Park, and
the survivors of the Springfield incident in the background. Milhouse is
on crutches. The front of the shuttle crashes into the town, killing
everyone in a small, non radioactive but mushroom shaped explosion. Hot
Rod steps out of the wreckage, burnt a little. The others survivors
follow.)

Hot Rod: (sarcastic) WELL! That WAS fun.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock need new strategy.
Hot Rod: You Grimlock need new brain.
Red Alert: Hey, who has the Matrix?
All: Е
Hot Rod: Shit.
Perceptor: (radio) Perceptor to away team.
Hot Rod: That's Star Trek, just because we're nearly as popular as a
cartoon series can get, and have spin off shows does not mean we are
using Star Trek terminology.
Perceptor: Finished?
Hot Rod: Yeah.
Perceptor: What I have to tell you is off the utmost importance. Under
no circumstances must the Matrix be lost or damaged. Unicron is coming.
Snarl: I bet Tracks is going to have his mouth wide open, or be bending
over something orЕ
Hot Rod: But he's dead.
Snarl: Who, Tracks?
Red Alert: We wish. The showers would be a damn sight safer if he was.
How come we let gay bots in the army? It's a conspiracy I tell you.
Slag: Showers? What showers?
Hot Rod: But how can Unicron be back?
Perceptor: Apparently he got better.
Grimlock: Typical.
Hot Rod: (looking at the shuttle) Shit. Perceptor we just lost the
shuttle.
Perceptor: Was the matrix on it?
Hot Rod: (Crossing fingers) No.
Perceptor: Any casualties?
Hot Rod: (Crossing fingers) No.
Perceptor: Any destruction of human property?
Hot Rod: (Crossing fingers) No.
Perceptor: Then find the shuttle and come back up.
Red Alert: Erm, the shuttle got cut in half. We've no idea where the
rest of it is.
Perceptor: Then we will send down another shuttle to rescue you.

(At Cobra HQ, Cancerman, Krychek and Cobra Commander drag themselves
free of the rubble.)

Cobra Commander: Destro is going to kill me. He only loaned me that
place.
Krychek: What hit us? A bomb?
First Aid: No, but close enough. And I recognise you, you little towel
headed freak. Thanks to you, Hot Spot is dead.
Cobra Commander: (running away) Oh shit.

(First Aid pulls his gun out of it's sub space storage compartment, and
vaporises Cobra Commander.)

First Aid: Now, for you two. (steps on Krycheks prosthetic arm. It comes
off) Eh? You should be screaming in agony.
Krychek: It's rubber.
First Aid: Rubber? As in sex toys? Great, company for Tracks. Well, you
two are gonna pay anyhow.
Cancerman: I think not. (pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and
immediately, the area is covered in smoke that First Aid can't see past
even with his sensors.)
First Aid: Oh crap. Their gone.

(Meanwhile, Mudler and Scully have pulled up to see the town wrecked,
everyone dead and the Autobots standing around like ninnies.)

Mulder: (spotting the Autobots) This is the work of the Decepticons.
Red Alert: (pulls out a gun) Where?
Mulder: No, you are Decepticons. Only they would have caused this
damage.
Grimlock: Dumb human not know what he talk about.
Mulder: Me Mulder know what me talking about. Erm, did I just say that?
Scully: Yes.
Hot Rod: Enough of this. I have to rescue the Matrix.
Red Alert: Why you?
Hot Rod: Because I am the chosen one. I am the one the prophecy speaks
off. I am at one with the force. (trys to force pull the Matrix clear of
the ship.)
Slag: That's Star Wars, moron.
Hot Rod: Oh. Any other ideas?
Red Alert: I have a fire extinguisher.
Scully: That poxy thing will never put out that inferno.
Grimlock: (smacks forehead) Of course. Him Inferno even more pissed then
him Silverbolt. Beast war freak with him Inferno name is bad guy who
goes round setting fire to things.
Red Alert: There, the fires out.
Scully: I stand corrected.
Hot Rod: And, now the Matrix is mine. (dashes into the shuttle, grabs
something and bright blue lightning flashes out from the shuttles hull.)
Red Alert: Was that it? The transformation?
Grimlock: That was deep blue something all right.
Hot Rod: Ow. I stood in a power conduit. Ah, here it is. The Matrix.

(another light show, even better then the last one starts up. A massive
blue beam destroys a section of the shuttle and Rodimus Prime steps
out.)

Red Alert: Hot Rod? That you?
Mulder: Have you grown?
Rodimus Prime: I am Hot Rod, or was anyhow. But now, I am the Matrix
bearer, and leader of the Autobots, and it is my responsibility to stop
Unicron.
Swoop: Who in their right mind is going to follow you? (Rodimus blasts
Swoop's wings off.)
Kup: Dangit, where are my pills?
Red Alert: There in your hand, gramps.
Rodimus: Unfortunately, I can't fly. So I need someone to fly me to
fight Unicron.
Swoop: OH dear, and hears me with a damaged pair of wings. Sorry.
Red Alert: Then you need Silverbolt, but he was in the other part of the
shuttle being sick into a toilet because of the height. And we don't
know where it landed.
Kup: What, the toilet?
Swoop: Just take a few more pills.
Kup: What pills?
Mulder: What does a robot need with a toilet anyhow

(All five Dinobots grab hold of Kup while Red Alert forces the pills
down Kups throat.)

Red Alert: Better now?
Kup: (looking up at Unicron who is in Earth orbit) Ethel?
Sludge: What is he talking about now?
Mulder: Risking a guess, I'd say that thing up there that looks like a
rip-off of the Death Star.
All: (looking up) Aww, nuts.
Rodimus: Never fear. With the Matrix I now know where they are.
Scully: Who? The lost crew members, or thatЕ thing?
Rodimus: The rest of the crew. Now, I must be off. (Rodimus takes off
into the air and flys towards Cobra HQ)
Scully: I thought he couldn't fly?
Red Alert: Shh!
Rodimus: (falling) SHIT! (he lands on Runamuck whose flying around
looking for Runabout.) Take me to the Castle, or die, Deceptislime.
Mulder: So, what do robots need with toilets?

(At the remains, First Aid, Silverbolt and Springer are busy setting up
camp and awaiting rescue. Rodimus drops down in front of them. Runamuck
takes off again.)

Spinger: Hot Rod? Have you grown?
Rodimus: Yes, I now posses the Matrix. It's power flows through me. Now,
to save Earth, I must fight, Unicron. But I need a lift, and the only
person here whose alternate mode allows him to travel in space, is
Silverbolt.
Silverbolt: Can't you get another Air born bot? Or take another shuttle?
I feel ill.
Rodimus: No time. Now transform, and let me ride you.
All: Е
Rodimus: Get yer minds out of the gutter.
Silverbolt: (transforms into Concorde mode, Rodimus gets on.) Man,
you're heavy now.
Springer: So whats the strategy?
Rodimus: I am going to fly straight into Unicrons maw, and unleash the
power of the Matrix.
Springer: That simple, huh?
Rodimus: Don't you dare mock me.
Springer: Would never dream of it.

(Rodimus jumps on Silverbolts back and they fly off.)

Silverbolt: Gonna be sick.
Rodimus: We're only five feet off the ground.
Silverbolt: I get airsick even when I'm sitting down in robot mode.
Rodimus: You are a complete wuss.
Silverbolt: I know, I know.
Rodimus: Now, take me to Unicron, NOW!

(Rodimus flys off, Springer hears a disturbance behind him.)

Springer: Hello, who are you my dear? (a laser blast comes out of the
shadows hitting Springer full in the chest and sending him flying into a
wall that was all that was left standing of Cobra HQ.)
First-Aid: Hmm, that's MY kinda Femmbot. Hey, you even got pointy guns
that come out of the- (he gets blasted in his groin) Ouch. Good aim.
(Collapses.) That hurts.

(As the mysterious assailant moves off, there is a sudden movement of
rubble from the piled up remains of Cobra HQ. A figure emerges from the
rubble.)

First-Aid: Megatron? But how?
Megatron: That's what I'd like to know. Last time I looked, I was
Galvatron. How can I be back in my old body? And more importantly, why
am I practically socialising with an injured Autobot whose double I
killed with my own hands in my reality?
First-Aid: Beats me, bucket head.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Prime: It's a question you should ask your self.
Megatron: Beats me too. Waitaminute. Prime?
Prime: Yes.
Megatron: (points fusion cannon at Prime) DIE!

(Thirty Autobots appear from hiding places, pointing guns at Megatron)

Megatron: Crap. This ALWAYS happens.
Prime: Look up.
Megatron: Unicron? But we killed him.
Prime: It appears that he can get better as well.
Megatron: Oh, how original.
First-Aid: Hey, Prime, we got us a psycho femmebot who shot me in the
groin, and knocked out Springer.
Ultra Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.
Prime: I'm in charge here.
Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.
Megatron: Is this ALL this fool knows how to say?
Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.

(in space, Unicron and Rodimus are now meeting up.)

Unicron: Primus? Is that you?
Rodimus: No, I am Rodimus Prime. New leader of the Autobots, and Matrix
barer.
Unicron: Uh oh. You know, you look so much like your dead god.
Rodimus: So people keep pointing out.
Unicron: Bare with me. (sounds of a phone call being made) Galactus?
This is-
Voice of Galactus: This.. Is Galactus. I am currently eating a world.
Please leave a message after the beep, and I will arrange the
destruction of your current location. But now, I HUNGER!
Unicron: Erm, Galactus? This is Unicron, I need help now, please. Meet
me at Earth sometime in the next few seconds please.
Rodimus: (opening the Matrix) Now, light our darkest hour.
Unicron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(back on Earth, the Transformers are now trying to get Ultra Magnus to
say something else.)

Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.
First-Aid: My crotch is burning.
Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.
Megatron: You were never in the US comics, only the UK comics.
Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.

(Suddenly, the sky goes bright white as Unicron explodes. Debris comes
burning down through the atmosphere.)

Blurr: Mygodmygodmygodmygod. We'rallgonnadiegonnadiegonnadiegonnadie.
Deathbycrushing.
Magnus: I can't DEAL with that now.
ALL: SHUT UP!
Magnus: I can't (a stray laser blast hits him in the chest) DEAL with
that now.
Megatron: That's IT! Sweeps, terminate him.

(everyone looks confused)

Megatron: Oh yeah, they don't exist in this dimension. In that case.
Aerialbots, terminate him.
SkyDive: We don't take orders from you.
Prime: No, but Ultra Magnus has been so irritating recently, that I tend
to agree with Megatron here.
Megatron: You do?
Prime: Yes.

(Before anyone can do anything, a giant piece of rubble from Unicron
lands on Ultra Magnus)

Magnus: Help me. So cold.
All: We can't DEAL with that now.

(Mulder and Scully pull up with Red Alert and the Dinobots.)

Prime: You two again.
Red Alert: Hey, Prime, you wouldn't believe how much Mulder and I have
in common.
SkyDive: Uh oh.
Mulder: Would you believe it, a robot EXACTLY like me.
Scully: Actually Mulder, I can.
Mulder: (looks like he's trying to figure something out, for about five
minutes.)
Red Alert: I would love to visit this Area 51 place.
Mulder: It's nothing too special.
Red Alert: Oh no? What makes you say that?
Mulder: Have you heard of Area 69?
Tracks: Hmm.

(A large circular gap forms around Tracks.)

Megatron: Excuse me. (flys off, laughing as he goes) Mwhahahahaha!
Autobots can't fly. (Megatron flys off for a sequel)
Red Alert: Depends on how the script writers are feeling. It's a
conspiracy I tell you.
Mulder: What are you waiting for? Stop him.
Prime: Drat, he's off again. We have to let him go. It's the only way to
allow us another sequel for David to write sometime.
David Hopper: Hey, I never refer to myself by name in these things.
Change that line.
Prime: Nope. I won't.
David: Do it, or I'll turn you into a Action Master.
Prime: You wouldn't.
David: I would.
Prime: Drat, he's off again. We have to let him go. It's the only way to
allow us another sequel for the writer to write sometime.
David: Better.
Red Alert + Mulder: (mumbling) It's a conspiracy I tell you.
Blurr: Prime, Prime WeFoundThatRedAlertAndKupGotTheirMedicinesMixxedUp!
Cliffjumper: Again.
Red Alert: Oh no, not that stuff again. (Red Alert transforms and drives
off.)
Mulder: Talk about burning rubber.
Scully: Hmm, wonder if I can find something like that for Mulder.
Prime: Stop him, quick.
Inferno: (whips out a flame thrower and fires shot after shot at Red
Alert) BURN!
Jazz: You ain't THAT Inferno, dude. And that guys your best friend.
Inferno: My bad.
Mulder: That guy looks familiar.
Scully: Who?
Mulder: The big silver robot with the big black cannon on his arm and
the bucket on his head whose flying away from us. And that insane
maniacal laughter reminds me of someone else.
Prime: What was Megatron doing here? Last time we saw him, he was in a
new body, that could transform into a tank.
First-Aid: Something to do with an R-chamber, it repaired Galvatron but
used the old template design for Megatron that was stored in his system.
Cliffjumper: What? How'd you find this out? Ain't gone traitor have you?
First-Aid: What? No, he mentioned it as he got out of the rubble just
before you all arrived.
Cliffjumper: How come your speaking so normally now?
First-Aid: (points to groin) I was castrated by a stray plasma blast, I
can no longer sound like a high pitched teenage kid waiting for the
onset of puberty.
Tracks: NO! We were going to play doctors later.
All: Е
First-Aid: I was going to give you a medical check up, yer gimp.
Mulder: Scully, these robots are getting weirder.
Scully: Your one to talk.
Mulder: (looks like he's catching on to her insults) Scully, remind me
to talk to you latter on about your attitude. Prime, whats your next
move?
Prime: We must find the Matrix.

(Prime is interrupted as a blinding explosion lights up the night sky.)

Mulder: What the hell was THAT?
Prime: Well, Unicron must have blown up.
Scully: TWICE?

(Rodimus and Silverbolt return to the main group, looking charred and
slightly melted.)

Rodimus: Whoah. Say it with me, I'm the man.
All: I'm the man. (Everyone looks at Scully concerned)
Rodimus: NO! I'M the man.
All: NO! I'M the man. (Everyone looks at Scully concerned)
Rodimus: NO! (pointing at his chest) ME! ME!
All: NO! (pointing at their chest) ME! ME! (Everyone looks at Scully
concerned)
Rodimus: Forget it.
All: Forget it.
Rodimus: Don't you dare mock me.
All: Don't you dare-
Rodimus: (points a gun them) Ah!
All: (point their guns at Rodimus) Ah!
Rodimus: Prime, can I have a word.

(Optimus Prime and Rodimus Prime walk off. Rodimus holds up the matrix
to Prime)

Rodimus: Prime, I'm not ready to assume command.
Prime: Well, I'm not even dead, so if you don't mind. (snatches back the
Matrix and puts it back in his chest compartment.) I'll take back what's
rightfully mine.
Hot Rod: Of course, sir.

(They move back to the main group.)

Prime: By the way, what was the second explosion?
Hot Rod: Oh, that was a Death Star that showed up in the area at the
same time.
All: Oh.
Prime: Well, it's time for us to leave. Mulder, Scully, I sincerely hope
I never see either of you again. And I really hope that I never have the
misfortune to listen to your voices again.
Mulder + Scully Ditto.
Prime: My voice is not boring.
Scully: Never said it was.
Prime: (narrows his eyes, and wishes he had a mouth to show some more
emotion) Autobots, transform and roll out.
Hot Rod: Roll for it.
All:Е
Hot Rod: Sorry, sorry.

(The Autobots drive off)

Scully: Wait, wait. Bastards. They've left us again.
Mulder: Don't worry Scully, there's two Harley Davisons chained up over
there. We can ride them.

(Suddenly the area is lit up from above. The duo look up to see a
circular shape above them.)

Mulder: Is that a saucer?
Cosmos: Hehehehe!

(The next day, on Steelhaven, Prime is reviewing the reports his men
have made.)

Prime: So let me see if I have this right. Springer, you say there is
this gorgeous female robot running around shooting lasers out of her,
(looks at pad) bazoomahs? First-Aid backs you up on this. Tracks is
meanwhile demanding to have his missiles replaced with phallic shaped
missiles? Gah. Bumblebee is going under extensive repairs, Ultra Magnus
is missing, and a completely insane version of Megatron is at large.
Fixit: That's about the size of it.
Hot Rod: I thought we had lost the micromasters now?
Fixit: Damnit.
Prime: Thank Primus that we know where Tracks is right now.

(In the missile bay, we see Tracks being tied to a phallic shaped
missile by various Autobots. Cut back to Primes Ready Room, as Perceptor
and Cosmos walks in.)

Prime: Cosmos, where have you been?
Cosmos: WellЕ
Hot Rod: By the way Prime, I was just wondering. Why do you want Cheetor
dead. All he did was draw a stupid moustache on your face plate.
Prime: And for that, he shall die. No one deforms MY face like that.
Perceptor: Prime, there's a ship leaving Earths moon. We think it may
not be Decepticon, but it may be, (everything goes tense) an enemy
vessel.
Prime: Fine, lay in a course, put our speed down so it's slow enough for
the writer to have a dramatic start to the sequel.
Hot Rod: So, we're just gonna drift here then?
Prime: Yeah, basically. So Cosmos, what did you get up to?

(In Skinners office, Mulder and Scully are reporting to the bald one.)

Mulder: And then Scully and I were anally probed.
Scully: (elbowing Mulder) MULDER!
Skinner: I do not want to know about your private lives for Christ's
sake. Get out of my office. I'll deal with you later.

(Mulder and Scully leave.)

Mulder: Well, that could have been worse.
Scully: (Just stares at him)

(In the forest near the monestary we see the Femmbot roaming the forest.
Suddenly she meets Megatron, and Runamuck.)

Megatron: Hello my dear, we have a proposal for you.
Arcee: Okay then. Nothing funny though.
Runamuck + Beavis: Uhuhuhhuhuh.

(Meanwhile Skinner sits at his desk. Krychek and Cancerman come out of
the cupboard.)

Krychek: Oh I like that last line of description, I REALLY do.
Cancerman: Never mind that. Who'd ever thought thatЕ
Skinner: That ScullyЕ
Cancerman: Of all the agents hereЕ
Skinner: Would likeЕ

(Howard Stern walks in from another cupboard)

Howard Stern: Anal sex?

(We see Earth, with the moon orbiting. The camera pulls out past Mars,
past the asteroid belt, and eventually towards Pluto. Galactus is busy
feasting on a starship.)

Janeway: Typical.
Galactus: I HUNGER!
Paris: Voyager, the ship you can eat between meals without ruining your
appetite.

(Galactus heads off back towards Earth.)

The End?

--
David Hopper