(scrolling yellow text begins) More Than Meets the Files: Part III: Files in Disguise An obscenely long X-files/Transformers crossover parody, featuring cameos from survivors of other cartoon shows that were supposed to have been brutally killed in the massacre that was the last instalment, and any other Sci Fi shows I feel like putting in. .. By David "Obsession" Hopper. .. Forenote: Set during season 5 of the X-Files, and after the G2 Transformer's comic book had concluded back in 1994 and just a few days after the events of "More Then Meets The Files part II". Naturally it takes place before Beast Wars, or after Beast Wars, or, oh whatever Summary of past episodes: What, you mean you've forgotten them already? READ THE DAMN THINGS THEN! Obviously it helps if you have knowledge of X-Files and the original Transformers. And if you don't know about either, well there's plenty of websites out there on both subjects. Real Summary: Cobra Commander had the remains of Galvatron brought to his headquarters. Galvatron was accidentally rebuilt into his old form of Megatron, after Cancerman had taken the heads of two robots intending to become a head master. Mulder and Scully were writing their reports, while awaiting a new assignment. Buster, now clinically insane, had ate his former best friend "O" after chasing him around a monastery for sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Buster was being set up by Triple I to build advance anti robot equipment. Buster had devised the perfect weapon, but never got the right conditions to activate it, until a freak accident. It turned out to be none other then Arcee, a female robot. The Autobots on board their vessel. Steelhaven, had executed Keanu Reeves after he attacked them, confusing their matrix for the other matrix (believe me a lot of people are now getting the two confused). The Autobot Hot Rod managed to get his hands on the Autobots matrix and destroy the planet eater Unicron before he could devour Earth. Unfortunately, Unicron had called for back up, in the form of a Death Star he was dating - that was also destroyed- and also Galactus, who is on route right now, while tucking into the Starship Voyager. The Autobots meanwhile are deciding what to do about the femme bot Buster has set lose after them, currently on Earth with no method of leaving the surface while the Autobots are safe in orbit. Mulder and Scully are being laughed at behind their backs after Mulder let slipped that they'd been abducted by aliens and both been anally probed by a flying saucer (actually the Autobot Cosmos who is acting a little weird in everyone's opinion). Everyone in the F.B.I. is thinking of something else entirely. In case you've read Spoof Trek 3, and your not familiar with Transformer history and your wondering why the Dinobots are talking differently, it's quite simple. In the comics on which this parody is based on, only Grimlock spoke like he was retarded. In the cartoons which Spoof Trek 3 borrowed the Transformers from, ALL the Dinobots were retarded. And you thought Star Trek had continuity problems? Transformers has a different continuity for each series. Beat THAT! .. (FBI offices) Scully: You HAD to tell EVERYONE we've bumped into, didn't you? Mulder: The people have a right to know the truth. Scully: Mulder, they think your talking about something else, using some kind of weird self created jive talk to describe sexual acts between the two of us. Mulder: What? Us? Sex? Scully, don't be stupid, the closet time I've ever came to seeing you naked is in this picture of you in a skirt sitting down having a drink of water out of a bottle. (holds up picture) Scully: (snatches picture away) WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!? Mulder: The net of course, where else? Scully: This is nearly as bad for my career as that picture of Kari Wuher showing off her You know Mulder: (produces another photo, of Kari Wuher lifting up her skirt) Oh, yes. I know. Mind you I think that only improved her career. Scully: You would. Mulder: Well it's better then that album of hers, what was it? "Shitty"? Scully: Yes, yes it was shitty. (Side note, Kari's album, exclusively available over Amazon.com it's called "Shinny". If your reading a censored version of this story, replace each "n" with a "t" to find out what I think of what I've heard of this album.) (On Steelhaven, in orbit around Earth, Optimus Prime is sitting in his command chair completing a log entry.) Prime: And so the space vechile that we monitored leaving Earth, was in fact another probe for Mars. Which we have now shot down out of Mars orbit. Wheeljack: We could have just sent another scramble bug to it. Prime: Nah, after the last one they only thought they'd used the wrong measurement system. Wheeljack: That was kind of the idea you know. Prime: Oh well. Status? (quietly to self) and where's the toilet paper? Wheeljack: Bored. I'm so bored that I tried to create a device to remove boredom. Prime: What happened? Wheeljack: The usual. Prime: It blew up? Wheeljack: Took my hand off as well. Prime: So what did you do? Wheeljack: I made a device one handed to make a device that would allow a one handed robot to recreate his hand. Prime: Why not just make a device to make you a new hand without the previous device? Or better yet, get a spare part from sickbay? Wheeljack: Hmm, why didn't I think of that? Prime: Because you tinker too much? Gears: It would have been too simple. (mumbles) Idiot. Wheeljack: Ha, yeah. Well, the devices never worked anyhow. Prime: What happened? Wheeljack: It took off the rest of my arm instead. Prime: What? You didn't think about going to sickbay after that? Wheeljack: Now that First-Aid is in charge? (cut to a shot of sickbay. Grimlock is strapped to a table with First-Aid approaching with a laser chainsaw) Grimlock: Me Grimlock not think this good way of dealing with facial growth. (First-Aid revs up the chainsaw. Back to the bridge) Prime: Good point. Well, try to get an appointment with Fixit when he's free. Wheeljack: No offence Prime, but I've got no faith in a micromaster doing surgical procedures on me. Not after the incident when he tried to separate Megatron and Ratchet after they'd been joined together on a molecular level after a transporter accident. I'd rather try to have a normal conversation with Tracks. Prime: Yeah, okay then. Any idea what happened to that phallic missile we placed him on? Wheeljack: Last I heard, it was still loaded up in tube no 2. (thinks about that last remark) Oh Primus, we even managed to get another crappy innuendo out of that one. Oh well. All we have to do, is press this red button here, and we'll be free of him. Prime: (presses button) What this one? (everything goes dark, with red lights on in the corner) Wheeljack: Yeah, that one. He still thinks he's going on a hot date. (Shot of space. The missile goes flying off past Mars. Tracks is still tied to it. Back to the bridge) Gears: Sheesh. I wonder where that vid slug I leant him went to. Prime: Which Slug would that be? Gears: Bots in bondage. Prime: Gah. Get away from me, you sick perverted jerk. Gears: Bah. If that's the way your going to treat me, I'm going to go back to someone who DOES appreciate me. Wheeljack: Who the hell would that be then? Gears: Spider man of course, HE liked me. Prime: Primus, Gears, we aren't part of the mainstream Marvel universe, that episode never happened. Gears: But he tied up Megatron with his web slingers, he tried to save me from falling. Wheeljack: And failed Gears: And Ratchet rebuilt me. Wheeljack: (quietly) Mores the pity. Gears: What was that? Wheeljack: I didn't say nothing. Gears: Yes you did, your ears always flash when you say something. Wheeljack: Erm, (thinking) darn design flaw. Why wasn't I given a mouth? (out loud) Where's the kitty? Yeah, where's the kitty? I wanna go and get something to eat. Gears: Yeah right, how ya gonna eat when ya got no mouth? (kicks Wheeljack) That's it, I'm off to New York to find Spider man. Prime: Good luck, though knowing our luck you'll proberly end up bumping into those FBI agents. What were their names again? Murmur and Smelly? Even if you do meet him, he proberly won't remember you. Gears: Bah, goodnight all. (leaves by punching through the locked command doors and making a Gears shaped hole in the wall.) Prime: Well, that comes out of his pay packet Wheeljack: What pay packet? (back in Skinners office. Mulder and Scully are sitting patiently. That is, Mulder is, Scully looks ticked off) Scully: Even Skinners goddamned secretary won't look me in the eyes now. Mulder: Hmm. Scully: This is all your fault. Mulder: Hmm. Scully: Is that all you can say? Hmm? Mulder: Hmm. (Scully looks likes she's going for her gun, then Skinner walks in reading a report. He pays them absolutely no attention and sits down, continuing to read the report.) Scully: S'ir? Skinner: ARRRGH! Terrible Jodie Foster impression, that can mean only one things. (looks up) Godsakes, what are YOU two doing here? Mulder: You summoned us. Skinner: Mulder, if I was you, I'd be REALLY careful about what you say around people these days. Mulder: Why? Skinner: Everything you say is being taken as a sexual metaphor. Mulder: Why? Skinner: Because you've gone around telling everyone about this little sexual encounter the pair of you got involved in. Scully: Goddamn it. We did not have sex, s'ir. We were, well that is we Skinner: Jesus. If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Scully: S'ir, why did you call us here? Skinner: Oh, yeah right. You two have to go back to Oregon, help with the clean up operation there because of you expertise in that area. For once there is actually evidence to help you have a case here. Here's the case file notes, Scully. Mulder can I have a word with you? In private? (Scully takes the notes, her coat and leaves. Skinner leans in to Mulder.) Skinner: What was it like? Mulder: Sir? What was what like? Skinner: (rolling eyes) You know. Mulder: Sir, I thought you didn't want to know? (meanwhile in the next office, Scully is busy listening at the keyhole.) Scully: What? Apple pie? Warm? I'll kill him. I swear it. I'll kill him. (meanwhile in space, the phallic missile with Tracks on it crashes into Galactus wrist, making him release Voyager) Galactus: OW! What is this? (picks up Tracks from the missile) A robot? Tracks: I can feel hot sweaty, breath. Oh boy am I excited. (Galactus throws Tracks back towards Earth in disgust and resumes his course. On Voyager meanwhile) Janeway: That things heading to Earth still. Paris: I'm detecting a warp trail near earth, unlike anything we have on record, and we have a lot of records of unknown warp trails. Tuvok: There is a chance that this race could help defend Earth. But there is an equal chance that they could join forces and destroy Earth. Janeway: We have to set a course to try to help. We have some tri - cobalt devices left, don't we? (Voyager warps off towards Earth as fast as it can. Meanwhile, back in Oregon, Mulder and Scully have now arrived on the scene via a parachute jump.) Scully: Well, that was different. Mulder: Hmm. Scully: Let's not start that again. Mulder: Hmm. Scully: Okay, lets see what's on the list first. Robot Prisoner. (cut to a large tent. Mulder, Scully and a couple of investigators are busy questioning the prisoner.) FBI Guy: Name? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. FBI Guy: Rank? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. FBI Guy: Serial number? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. Mulder: Oh god. Not THIS guy again. Scully: I thought he was crushed by debris? (Gears comes into the tent) Gears: Anyone seen Spider man? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. Mulder: Try New York city. Gears: (looking at Magnus) Christ, what is HE doing here? Scully: Never mind that, where did YOU come from? (Meanwhile in Skinners office, a faint tapping is heard. After five minutes Skinner gets up and goes across to his cupboard, unlocks it, and lets Cancerman and Krychek collapse on the floor, along with a load of cigarette smoke that had no place else to go in the cupboard.) Skinner: You know, my no smoking policy extends to my cupboards. Cancerman: Sue me. Krychek: (coughing) I might just take you up on that one day. Skinner: How did you two get in there anyhow? Cancerman: If I told you, I'd have to let Krychek unleash a virus into your bloodstream so we could control you with the threat of death. Krychek: Ah, um. Skinner: Hmm. Cancerman: Now, let us go to Oregon. Krychek: (disappointed) Again? Cancerman: I know, I know. Krychek: Remember, you promised me a new arm. Cancerman: I know, I know. (meanwhile, on the bridge of Steelhaven, Perceptor takes a look at a monitor.) Perceptor: Unless my optics deceive me, this is grave news indeed. Jazz: What's the matter, dadio? Perceptor: The Spice Girls are proceeding to release solo singles faster then the writer can facilitate them in the parody's he continues to write to feature them in a sarcastic light. Jazz: Hmm, that is bad. (to everyone else) Anyone know what's he talking 'bout? Hot Rod: Nope, never have, never will. Blurr: WhatsOnTheMonitor? Jazz: What we got on offer then? "Goin down" by Melanie C, ahem, yeah, nice joke there. Wonder if she ever has done that? Blurr: IThinkYouMeanTheSluttGirls,NotTheSpiceGirls. Hot Rod: Primus, what has she done to her hair? Lets hear it then. (The Autobots watch the video for a while. Beavis and Butt Head like noises are heard coming from them.) Swoop: So, it's true about BSE then. Red Alert: BSE? Swoop: Mad cows disease. Hot Rod: Has she got a tattoo on her back now? Creepy. Jazz: Looks like it, and her stomach too. Well, I like it. Perceptor: To which do you refer? The song or the tattoos? Jazz: The song. (starts dance like Sporty Spice does in the video) Perceptor: But you liked "word up" as well. Hot Rod: I think Tattoos are freaky. Jazz: What about that huge flame design you have on your chest then? Hot Rod: Well Jazz: And your Autobot insignia? Hot Rod: Shut up, that's an order. Jazz: I out rank you. Hot Rod: Not any more you don't. I'm the chosen one around here. Jazz: Yeah? Who died and made you leader? Swoop: Who would follow a kid like you? Red Alert: Morale would go down the pan. Jazz: People would change sides. Swoop: They'd want to hold elections for a new leader. Perceptor: Shall we watch the next video? Swoop: What is next? Red Alert: Emma Bunton and Tin Tin Out, with "What I am" (They watch the video) Jazz: Hmm, so she's a water baby then? Swoop: Hmm, I like the idea of having her in all that water. Hot Rod: Oh? Swoop: Easier to drown her in it. Jazz: What's next? Red Alert: The latest offering by Geri Haliwell. "Lift me up". Strange, it has the same release date as "What I am." (Red Alert realises that's he's all alone in the room now) Red Alert: Oh come on, it can't be THAT bad. (he presses a button) ARGH! Silver dwarf aliens flying around in is that Cosmos? Prime: (enters) why was everyone running away? What is that horrible sound? DEAR PRIMUS! (blasts the monitor, causing it to blow up and sends Red Alert flying through the room) Opps, sorry. I hate that woman's voice. She sounds way too much like a man. (a comm link bleeps) Prime here. Blaster: (over comm) This is Blaster blasting at ya from the communication suite. We just got a call from a ship with some real bad news for us dudes, and all our buds on Earth. Prime: Patch them through to me then, and try not to have too many lines. It seems the writer isn't very good on rhyming. (a monitor flashes on. Janeway appears) I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. Janeway: (over comm) I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship. Voyager. And don't dare tell me that's a long name I have because that's my title, not my name. You wouldn't believe how many times we go through that joke about long names. Prime: (confused) OK. But I'm afraid we're having some kind of communication problem here, at the moment it sounds like you've swallowed a load of helium, either that, or you've been a forty a day smoker. Stand by while we adjust our equipment. Janeway: That's how my voice always sounds. But we seem to have a problem with our visual display. You appear to have no mouth or any facial features bar eyes, and some kind of mow hawk hairstyle. Paris: (over comm) Please don't let him be another Neelix, please god. Prime: That because I'm a forty five foot robot, I always look like this. It kinda stops me from ever having a bad hair day. Torres: (over comm in background) Christ, not another race of intelligent robots. Janeway: (to Torres) Shh, we need their help. Optimus, right now there is a - Prime: Hold on, we've got something coming in on sensors. (Tracks is seen streaming across space and entering Earths Atmosphere.) Prime: Damn it. Can't we EVER get rid of him? Janeway: That was one of your people? Prime: Yes, we couldn't stand the guy. So we fired him out of our torpedo tubes. Janeway: That robot saved us from Galactus. Prime: Galactus? Blaster: This chicks got the wrong continuity. Janeway: What, you never heard of a cross over? Blaster: Uh oh, not another one. Prime: Lets see, we've crossed over at least five continuities, this could be a risky incident at the expense of the multiverse. Captain, we must work quickly. Our sensors indicate that your ship is badly damaged, we will send repair crews over to effect repairs. Then we will begin to mount an offensive to defend Earth. Janeway: Aren't there any defence forces there that could help? Prime: You mean like super heroes? No. And a good thing too. Any more continuities, and we could accelerate the damage to the multiverse. Torres: (quietly) Where does he make these amazing leaps in logic and deduction? Tuvok: (quietly) Indeed. Janeway: Shh. What danger is the multiverse in? Prime: This is going to take a while to explain. (The camera pulls out, to reveal that we were watching this last encounter on a monitor. Shadowy figures start talking.) Shadowy figure #1: It appears circumstances are beginning to fall into our favour. Shadowy figure #2: How's that then? Shadowy figure #1: Bad writing. Shadowy figure #2: Ah, right. Shadowy figure #3: Might I suggest a anticipatory snigger of triumph? Shadowy figure #1: You may. All shadowy figures: Hahahahahahahaha. Shadowy figure #1: Oh, my rotation module is out again. I'm stuck. Shadowy figure #3: Well, I'm off to my quarters to read "Mein Kamph" again. That book, so good you know. Plenty of advice we could have used before the revolution. Shadowy figure #2: A pity the revolution happened several million years before the author was born. (cut to Oregon, Mulder is now talking to Gears and Ultra Magnus) Mulder: So, Gears, where were you off to? Gears: New York. Mulder: Why? Gears: I wanted to check up on my old buddy, Spider man. Mulder: I thought he was from another continuity? Gears: So? You think I want to obey continuity? Mulder: It could be a good idea, other wise your fans might start arguing worse then some on line Trekkies. Gears: Star Trek bad continuity has nothing on Transformers bad continuity. We have three or four different official universes to deal with, one for each series. Except the first one, since the comics and cartoon show had nothing in common continuity wise. Mulder: (visiably stumped in the same way most parents look when their kids try to explain Pokemon to them) I see. Gears: And the fans are debating which series was best, and who was the best writer for the comics. It's a great debate. And even then there's the fact that our comics were part of the mainstream Marvel universe, until comic number 5. Then our reality changed a bit, so we really have a continuity problem that puts Star Trek to shame any day. Then there's the Japanese series based on the other series. Mulder: And your proud of this? Gears: No. It pisses me off big time. Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. Mulder: Is he always like this? Gears: All the time. (a couple of FBI people come in) FBI guy: Agent Mulder, we have reports of robot activity two miles north of our present position. Mulder: Could you two help us? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. Gears: That means yes. Mulder: Good. Transform and roll out. (The two Autobots transform, Magnus into his transport truck mode, and Gears into his pickup mode. Mulder and the FBI Guys gets inside Gears.) Mulder: Lets burn rubber. FBI guy: Erm. Mulder: Oh be quiet. (meanwhile, in a clearing, Megatron, Runabout and Runamuck and Arcee - Busters secret Femme Bot weapon are sitting in a clearing. Megatron is ranting.) Megatron: BWHAAAA! Runamuck: Hey, Runabout. Runabout: Yeah, Runamuck? Runamuck: I knew Megatron was insane, but this? Runabout: That's cos he ain't our Megatron. Our Megatron transforms into a tank nowadays. He's an alternate version of Megatron that was turned into another robot, but now thanks to the humans that bonded us with these two perverts, is back in his old form, which is the same old form that our Megatron had. Beavis: Hehehehe. He said bonded. Megatron: (Mars Attacks alien voice) We Come In Peace. Arcee: Gee, it's going to be hard to get to grips with this continuity. Runamuck: (ignoring the last two lines) But we were perverts anyhow. What was the point of bonding us with them anyhow? Runabout: So we could have a few cheap jokes about "head masters". Butt Head: Uhuh, he said, like Head, and then Master. Megatron: I have now a plan. We will rebuild the Decepticon army and conquer this world. Runamuck: (whispering) Reminds me of Starscream's and Shockwave's plan before we were all forced to fight Unicron the last time. Runabout: I'm still trying to figure out how we could fight another Unicron, after the last one got blown up. Runamuck: Yeah. Don't you just love bad writing? Megatron: Then we will suck this planet dry of energy, and then I will find a way to combine organic and technological forms and start a war across time. And if I ever get a chance, I will go into the Ark while it was still stuck in the volcano, and blow Optimus Primes head off. Runabout: Yeah, wishful thinking there. (the camera pulls out, so that we can see the shadowy figures again.) Shadowy figure #1: Hmm, an interesting idea. Shadowy figure #2: With the death of Optimus Prime, the Autobots morale would reach an all time low. With the possibility of only Hot Rod, Ultra Magnus or Grimlock becoming their new leader, the Autobots would become disenchanted. (the figures all imagine the leadership abilities of the three candidates) Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime: OK, lets stop the Decepticons. (fires a gun) Springer: Gee, you don't think that's what we've been trying to do? (The two start arguing and end up being killed by a couple of Decepticon snipers. Fade out to Autobot city, Earth ) Perceptor: Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of Decepticon capabilities indicates a distinct tactical advantage in their favour. Ultra Magnus: I CAN'T deal with that now. (The Autobots get wiped out by overwhelming Decepticon odds while Ultra Magnus just stands there muttering "Damnit" over and over again. Cut to a scene on Cybertron.) Grimlock: (charging Decepticons) Me Grimlock Kick Butt! Perceptor: (sighs as the Autobots get wiped out, again.) Grimlock: (running from the Decepticons) Me Grimlock need new strategy. (back to the shadowy figures ) Shadowy figure #3: What of the Starship Voyager? We never planed for their interference. Shadowy figure #1: Our best estimates indicate that they will only bicker amoung themselves. Shadowy figure #3: You made that up, didn't you? Shadowy figure #1: Well, yes. But our new allies ought to help deal with this threat. May I introduce, the Daleks. I've told them that their enemy, the Doctor is on board. A minor miss-deception on our part of course, but they will not rest until they think he is destroyed. In fact, I don't think they ever do rest. Daleks: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! Shadowy figure #1: Not now. Shadowy figure #2: May I purpose another anticipatory snigger of triumph as a means of giving away our identity to Transformer fans who should by now have guessed who we are? Shadowy figure #1: Yes, lets. Shadowy figures: HAHA!! HAHA! AHAHAHHA!!!! Daleks: EXTERMINATE! Shadowy figure #1: Not now. Shadowy figure #3: Now, there is only one thing left to do, gain an alliance with Galactus. (In Optimus Primes quarters, Prime sits bolt upright having dozed off for a while) Prime: AH! I had that dream again. The one where there was this weird purple freak pointing a gun at my head. And then there was this big Ape doing something, in a tutu to some kind of cat. GAH! I have to figure out where all these weird dreams are coming from. Must be a side effect of having died so many times. (looks across to a section of his wall where several lines have been made, indicating how many times he has died.) (meanwhile, in the Alpha Centuri solar system, an Imperial Star Destroyer is tracking a ion trail.) Darth Vader: Bah, wreck MY flagship will you? Wait until you see what a Star Destroyer with Death Star Weaponry can do. Tech guy: Lord Vader, the trail leads to a minor G2 star system, known on some charts as sol. There's also some strange reference in some of our charts to something called "cobol", something to do with a thirteenth tribe. And some reference to the snack you can eat between meals. Vader: Uh huh. Follow the trail, we'll get those bastards. Play golf with MY starships deflector dishes will you? I'll show you the meaning of power. It's unlucky for you that the wormholes you had to go through to get here stayed open long enough for us to get here. Tech guy: Sir, we appear to have been struck by something. Vader: On screen. (Keanu Reeves body floats by, having rebounded off the hull.) Gah, lock weapons and fire. Tech guy: Target destroyed sir. Vader: That was quick. Tech guy: We aim to please. (Gears and Ultra Magnus drive past Scully. They stop, and Mulder starts yelling at her) Mulder: Hey, Scully , there's been reports of more robot activity two miles north. Wanna come? FBI Guy: Erm. Mulder: Shut up, will you? Scully: I never said anything. Mulder: Not you, him (points to the rather nervous looking FBI Guy.) Coming or what? Scully: Do I have a choice? Mulder: Yes, you can either come or not. FBI Guy: Erm. Mulder: Shut it. Scully: Okay, I'm a coming. (clambers into Gears) So, what happened to those robots from earlier? Gears: Well, your in one right now. Ultra Magnus is the car transport truck. Scully: Ah, well how come no one went into Ultra Magnus? It's bit cramped in here. Gears: Well, you see, they tried, but Magnus had locked his doors, and wouldn't let anyone in. Mulder: His exact words were "I can't deal with that now". Scully: That joke is starting to be really over used now. (Meanwhile on Voyager, Fixit the micromaster is in sickbay with the holodoc.) Holodoc: I must say, your smaller then I anticipated. Fixit: I'm a micromaster, I'm only seven feet tall. Holodoc: Was there a reason for this? Most of your race seem to be at least twenty feet tall. Fixit: We're downsize to save energon. On our homeworld, Cybertron, there's very little fuel or energy left to go around, so to save it, we were created. Holodoc: (sarcastic) So to save power, you increased the size of your population by having smaller occupants? Fixit: Yeah, we're the first of a new breed. Holodoc: Are you sure your not a cheap rip off of Micromachines? Fixit: Hehehe. I'll ignore that last comment. Seven: (enters sickbay and looks at Fixit) You bare a striking resemblance to a member of species two. Fixit: Species two? Holodoc: The Borg designate different races with a reference number. Species two presumably must have been a robotic race of some sort, assimilated into the Borg collective conciseness. Seven: Incorrect Doctor, species two were the Borg's progenerators. They were a cybernetic race that discovered the "benefits" of having a collective mind. Their origins are believed to be millions of years old originally. It was not until a few hundred years ago that they developed into cybernetic beings, robots with organic parts. And before that they had experimented in various forms of organic/cybernetic mind merging techniques with limited success. They and species one merged together to become the Borg. Holodoc: And we are in the past, by about three hundred years. Fixit: Hmm, we have been experimenting recently with things like the head masters, and even Pretender outer shells which are partly organic. Hmm, I wonder if your Borg are some kind of descendants of- Computer: INTRUDER ALERT (A Dalek bursts in) Dalek: We Have Come For The Doctor, You Will Give Him To Us. Holodoc: I am here, what do you want? Dalek: Your Appearance Has Changed. But That Does Not Matter. You Will Be EXTERMINATED! Holodoc: Changed? I've always had this face since I came on line. Dalek: (firing weapon) EXTERMINATE! Holodoc: I'm quite immune to weapon fire you know. Seven: Doctor, I believe this automation intends to do you harm. Fixit: You really have a way with words, don't you? Got to let you meet with Perceptor, you two would get on like a house on fire. Dalek: EXTERMINATE! Fixit: Ah shut up. (shoots the Dalek which explodes) Doesn't take much to deal with them, does it? Tuvok: (over comm) Security to all decks. Intruders have been neutralised or contained for now. All decks report. Holodoc: Hmm, unusually efficient of security to actually deal with a problem like this. Makes a nice change. (INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK) (As the announcer speaks, the name of each disease appears, floating down the screen, only to have a line drawn through each one.) Announcer: Polio, smallpox, measles, mumps, Paul Daniels, Jar Jar Binks, Jeffery Archer. All these disease have now been eliminated. But now there is an older disease trying to come back. A disease older then Paul Daniels. Please help us, by giving money to the Cliff Richards Elimination Fund. Credit Cards, Cheques or even Cash donations made in person will help us defeat this terrible illness. (A short shot of Cliff latest little number, "The Millennium Prayer" - the Lords Prayer sang to the tune of Old Lang Sang- is played. Then a shot of Cliff singing at the Wimbledon Tennis matches as it starts raining.) Announcer: Together we can beat Cliff Richards. David Hopper: I'd like to make a personal appeal, my mother has every single and album Cliff's ever released on vinyl, not to mention all the CD editions as well. We just don't have the storage space to keep them all. She's throwing out everyone else's stuff just to make room. Please help us all, end this suffering. PLEASE IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY! Announcer: You heard right folks. People are suffering because of this man, and with your help, we can hire a decent assassin to take him out. One million US dollars will allow us to hire a competent, highly trained killing machine, and a cyanide tablet to trick him into taking once he's finished his job. (END COMMERCIAL BREAK) (Meanwhile on Earth, Gears and Ultra Magnus are now halfway to the site of robot activity, when they see something incredible that makes Mulder stop Gears and has all the humans out looking.) Mulder: A flying car I tell you. Scully: Yeah, sure Mulder. Mulder: It was I tell you. Gears: A flying car? Oh man. That can only mean one thing. Tracks survived. Scully: What? Gears: Oh, Tracks is just this guy that scares us all. It's never safe to be near him. Scully: Why? Gears: He's gay. (the FBI guys look at Mulder behind his back.) Scully: So you hate the guy because he's gay? Gears: It's not that, he just makes unwelcome gestures, and movements. I'm sure he's got designs on Springer. Mulder: Why would he be interested in Springer? Gears: Springer has a big sword for one thing. Mulder: His victory sabre, eh? Gears: I think your thinking of something else there. And so do those FBI guys you brought with us, by the looks on their faces. Scully: Oh for the love of god. (turns around to face the FBI guys) For the last time, we never did anything. There was this green flying saucer type thing, hovering above us and then there's a big blank in my mind. (Goes up to Mulder) Mulder, did I just admit to there being a flying saucer? Mulder: Yes. Scully: Damn. Gears: Flying saucer? Was it green? Mulder: Yes, why? Gears: Oh, nothing. (to self) Cosmos, you dog you. Tracks: Hey Gears. Gears: Gah. What are you doing here? And where's my vid slug? Tracks: I saw you and Ultra Magnus, and then I saw you stop and let them get out, while Ultra Magnus just went on. Gears: Oh great. TYPICAL! We've lost Magnus now. (kicks Tracks in the shins) If we hadn't seen you and stopped, this would never have happened. Mulder: Well, where is Magnus then? (cut to a shot of a farmers field, with a wall recently knocked down. An angry farmer is chasing Ultra Magnus in a tractor with a shotgun) Farmer Brown: Come back here gosh darn it. Didn't you see the wall? Couldn't you have used the gate? Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. (in the room of the shadowy figures, the group are watching the last few scenes) Shadowy figure #1: That's another one to add to "Transformers: Funniest cock ups" (In space, Voyager and Steelhaven are now facing off towards the fast approaching Galactus, who is somewhere near Mars. On Steelhaven, Prime is now meeting a group from Voyager.) Prime: How come Galactus is taking so long? Janeway: We managed to initiate a level ten dramatic tension wave to buy us more time. Hot Rod: Thank god for the implausible Star Trek technology, eh? Prime: Quiet. Now, your proberly all wondering why I called you all here. Tuvok: Logically it is because you are too big to fit inside even our shuttle bay while lying down. Prime: Well there's that too. But basically our scientist Perceptor has noticed a tear in the fabric of reality due to the multiply continuities involved in this story. Perceptor will now fill in the gaps. Perceptor: At present we know that at least seven different continuities are involved. This is creating stress fractures on the very fabric, structure and nature of causality and reality, and as a result the multiverse is starting to react to this. Wormholes and other inter dimensional phenomena are beginning to open up where they should not. Black-holes are beginning to increase in mass, suggesting that mater is being removed from this reality in a desperate attempt by the universe to repair itself while, accidentally inflicting more damage. I conclude the only way to prevent this is to find a way to return us all to our own realities, post haste. (Perceptor looks on at blank faces, except, Janeway, Tuvok and Seven) Wheeljack: (holds something up) I created a device to translate what Perceptor says. Device: We have to stop the bad guys to save the world. (the device starts to have smoke pour out of it) Error, error, 404. Help me. Wheljack: Uh, it still has a few bugs to work out yet. (the device blows up, taking off his remaining arm) Ouch. Last time I use an Intel processor running on windows 2000 in my equipment. Prime: Good grief, go to sickbay, now. Kup: Dang, that had to hurt. Think I got some pills to help with that. Hot Rod: No, Kup. That is a tube of haemorrhoid cream. Kup: Oh. (sprays it on his teeth) Take it like this, right? Hot Rod: (sighs) Close enough. Paris: So, all we have to do, is defeat the bad guys, right? Prime: That's what the device said. Or rather, that's what the device said that Perceptor said. Perceptor: This is intolerable. Am I the only one with the correct elocution techniques? Paris: And the bad guy is? Kup: Communists? Hot Rod: Galactus you stupid old fool. Springer: Gee, is that the best insult you can come up with? Paris: And is that the ONLY bad guy here? Seven: The Daleks that stormed Voyager would prove otherwise. All: ah crap. Prime: The Daleks must be behind the crossovers. Tuvok: Another leap in logic. Prime: I bribe the writers. Tuvok: I suggest you get a refund. There is no evidence to logically deduct that the Daleks are responsible. Since this is the X-files continuity we have all crossed into, we should assume it is a member of the conspiracy group attempting to do this. (in the location of the dark shadowy figures) Shadowy figure #3: Shall we snigger? Cancerman: Why not? Their only halfway there to figuring it all out. Shadowy figure #2: Actually, only two thirds, or maybe three fourths. They think it could be you, and they know Galactus is here, and they know the Daleks are involved in some way. Shadowy figure #3: But they have no idea we are involved. Shadowy figure #1: For reasons that will become known later in the dialogue of this parody. All: HAHAHAHAHA!! Krychek: What about the Daleks? Cancerman: Oh, don't worry about them. Those pepper pots are nothing to worry about. Krychek: Erm. Cancerman: Their behind me, aren't they? Krychek: Well Cancerman: Scuze me. Daleks: EXTERMINATE THE STRANGELY SMELLING ONE! Shadowy figure #1: Fucking typical. (back on Steelhaven, the Voyager group has now returned to Voyager. Hot Rod is all alone in the shuttle bay. Then he hears a noise) Hot Rod: Whose there? Springer: It's just me. Hot Rod: Stealing a shuttle? Springer: Borrowing. Hot Rod: What for? Springer: Well, you remember I told you about that Femme Bot that shot me and First-Aid outside the remains of Cobra castle? Hot Rod: Uh huh. Springer: Well, I'm in love with her. Hot Rod: You like to be shot by women now? Springer: It's not that, she's, unlike anyone I've ever met before. Thin waist, princes Leia hairstyle, that colour combo of pink and white that I'm such a sucker for. Hot Rod: How the hell can a femme bot have a princess Leia hairstyle? We don't even have any body hair. Springer: Well, whatever, it covered her ears perfectly. Hot Rod: Ears? We don't- Fine, okay, shut up. I don't really want to hear anymore. Just tell me one thing, what's to prevent her doing to you what she did to First-Aid? Springer: Blow my balls off? He, he, he. Actually I wou- Hot Rod: WITH A GUN! Springer: Oh. Simple, I found out two things about her by using a spy camera I sent after her. Hot Rod: What's that then? Springer: A device used to secretly gather information, but that's not important right now. The important thing is, she has g-strings and no bra on under her exo structure. Hot Rod: You used it to spy on her? Springer: Yeah. But the important thing is, her mind is essentially blank, she has no personality pre- programmed, no mind of her own. So I borrowed a small piece of the matrix to give her a real mind of her own. Once she has that, she should be grateful and should return the love I feel for her. Hot Rod: How did you get a piece of the matrix? (In a corridor, Kup walks past a cupboard hearing a banging noise, he opens it to find Optimus Prime tied up. Kup Shrugs, then closes the door without letting Prime out. Cut to a shot of space, a shuttle leaves Steelhaven, and heads towards Earth. On the shuttle.) Hot Rod: Picking up three Transformer life signs heading towards four more Transformer life signs about a mile away from them. Springer: That could be them. Lets check out that first group, eh? (meanwhile, Mulder's group have now finally caught up to Ultra Magnus, who is stuck in a ditch after a couple of tires blew out from shotgun pellets.) Mulder: Woah, hold it farmer Brown. Brown: How did you know my name was Brown? Mulder: Lucky guess. Do you mind not shooting at the robot? Brown: What robot? I was shooting at that truck that drove through my cow field, letting em all escape. Mulder: Shouldn't you be trying to get them all back then? Brown: When I got this son of a bitch in my sights? No way. Ultra Magnus: (transforming) I can't deal with that now. Brown: MONSTER! (runs off) Mulder: Well, that's one way to deal with inbred, sheep shagging hill Billy's who's no doubt related to himself in various illegal ways. Scully: Certainly is. Gears: My brother is my daddy is my uncle kinda thing? (pointing in Scully's direction) That dyke doesn't look natural. Scully: (annoyed) I beg your pardon? Gears: Not you, that ditch over there. Doesn't look right. Scully: Did you just call me a bi-? Gears: THE DITCH! Scully: Sorry. Gears: (muttering) Stupid bitch. Tracks: How's that? Gears: This whole field, looks geographically wrong. This ditch is on top of what looks like a built up hill. I think there might be some kind of structure under here. (brings out a scanning device) I was right. Two meters under, there's some cybertronian alloys, consistent with a space ship. Tracks: No, I meant how is she a stupid bitch? Gears: Shut up. Mulder: Any sign of a door in there? Gears: No, but if Ultra Magnus would care to move, maybe Tracks could put his missile launchers to good use. Tracks: Hehe. Gears: No, the OTHER missile launchers. Tracks: Oh, stand back folks. This is gonna be big. All: Tracks: In terms of explosions, that is. (Tracks fires both of his shoulder based missiles, the hillock explodes sending dirt and ditch water everywhere. When the dust settles, a base with a huge hole in one comportment is now visible.) Shadowy figure #2: Do you mind? I'm on the toilet. Gears: Good god, it's a Quintison. Quintison #2: No fooling you, is there? Tracks: But your from another Transformer reality. The cartoons. You have no connection to the comic books. Quintison #2: True, but that doesn't mean we can't be our typical evil selves and plot to enslave all Transformers of this reality. And if we have to sacrifice some other realities, so what? Now, if you don't mind, I must rotate so that I have my Death Face on, and order the Sharkitcons to attack you via my walkie talkie. Now, where did I put my remote? Ah, there it is, just within grasp of my tentacles. (suddenly the Quintison explodes as he gets shot by) Gears: Megatron, Decepticons. Megatron: You were expecting maybe, John Wayne and a whole load of cowboys? Mulder: No, but I would have preferred him to you, you whacked out pyscho. Megatron: I'm not mad. Mulder: Could have fooled me. (INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK) Quintison #1: Hello, I am a Quintison. Egg shaped organic villain who moves on beams of light and uses tentacles to manipulate objects. In the Transformers universe we are known as the creators of the Transformer races. In the comics we were never used. The writers of Beast Wars are adamant that we don't exist, and the way Beast Machines is going even we don't want to risk being on that show. (muffled voice) Bastards. (normal) And now Hasbro intend to make some cash out of it. So, here we are. To help sell you this wonderful product is Wreck- Gar, the leader of the Junkions on the planet of Junk. Wreck-Gar: (Tv host mode) That's right. Have a nice day. (Car salesman mode) Hurry, hurry, hurry. Rush right on down to test drive new model with no obligation. Quintison #1: (hits Wreck-Gar on the head with a piece of tube piping) (quiet) Silence you bumbling idiot. Your supposed to be selling a BOOK! Not a car. (normal) That's right, the new officially recognised "How to beat Star Trek in lack of continuity" Wreck-Gar: ONLY ON FOX! Quintison #1: That's Beast Machines, idiot. That's it. GUARDS! TAKE HIM TO THE COURT ROOM! Wreck-Gar: You'll hear from my lawyers. Quintison #1: Perfect. We can feed them to the Sharkticons as well. (END COMMERCIAL BREAK) (Mulder, Scully, Gears, Tracks the two FBI Guys are looking up at Megatron who is pointing his still smoking Fusion Cannon at them. Ultra Magnus is muttering the same thing over and over again, till Megatron shoots him.) Gears: Thank Primus. That constant talking was getting on my audio sensors. Megatron: Now, you are all my prisoners. Leave the babbling idiot, and walk this way. Mulder: But my legs aren't as long as yours, so I can't cover as much distance. Megatron: (stares at Mulder then blows away the two FBI Guys, leaving a bloody mess on the floor) Do I make my point? Mulder: Perfectly. (at Megatrons base -a clearing in some trees- Arcee is sitting opposite Tracks, Gears, Mulder and Scully as their guard. Runabout and Runamuck are watching MTV. Megatron is busy ranting and raving at people that aren't there..) Megatron: (to imaginary Decepticon) Yes, Soundwave, you are a genius, IN COMMUNICATION MATTERS! When I want YOUR Opinion On Military Matters, I Will GIVE IT TO YOU! Arcee: (to Tracks) Do you know how many times those two (nods to Runabout and Runamuck) have asked me to take part in a threesome? Tracks: No. Arcee: Twice. Tracks: Really? Gears: (leering) You ever accepted the offer? Arcee: Maybe I would agree, if I knew what it was. Mulder: You don't know what a threesome is? Megatron: Brawl, you are talking crap again. Now get out of my sight or I will crush your throat, AGAIN! Gears: Would you mind untying me so I could show you? Tracks: You are a filthy minded jerk, you know that? Gears: Least I'm straight, you hommo bot. Arcee: Hommo bot? Megatron: Yes Frenzy, you can tear it all apart later on. Now STOP SCREACHING AT ME! Tracks: Yes, but everyone knows that I am. Arcee: I didn't know that you are. I don't even know what a hommo bot is. Gears: He's gay. Arcee: And that means? Gears: He goes for other male bots. Megatron: BAH! You are a weenie. I despise weenies. (fires his cannon, destroying a tree.) Arcee: Male? Gear: Like him and me. Only he's gay and goes for guys. I'm straight and go for girls. You're a femme bot. You're the opposite sex, a girl. Arcee: So a threesome is? Gears: Three bots get it on. Arcee: Get it on? Gears: Oh boy. Mulder: Scully, do you have a flip chart on you by any chance? Scully: No. Mulder: Oh well. Megatron: But, Shaggy, Scooby, won't you do it. Even for a Scooby snack? Me, Daphne and Thelma will be upstairs and- Gears: Look, if you untie me, I can show you what a twosome is. Then from there, you can figure out what a threesome is. Arcee: Okay. Megatron: (generic mumbling of death, doom and destruction, while he tries to throttle the life out of a standing stone) Gears: Thanks. But leave the others tied up so they can't get away. Tracks: Hey waitaminute Gears: (kicks Tracks) Shutup. I'm a gonna get me some. Last time was about five million years ago. Arcee: So what do we do now? Gears: We go behind these bushes here. Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Tracks: You are one big jerk. No wonder no one likes you. Megatron: I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time. (Near the ditch. The shuttle has now landed and Hot Rod and Springer are now out looking at the unconscious Ultra Magnus) Springer: Reckon we should take him with us? Hot Rod: Mays well. By the way, why did we land here, even though we know the two groups of life forms have met up and moved on? Springer: Erm, because. (looks around) I wanted to see why they stopped here. (goes into the remains of the Quintisons bathroom) Look. What is that? Hot Rod: A Quintison? Hmm. This adds a whole new complication to things. Better inform Prime. That's funny. Can't raise him. Springer: Hmm, wonder why. (on the Steelhaven, Wheeljack -sans arms, still- wanders past the locker Prime is locked in. He hears the bangs and tries to open the door using his feet. Then tries to grab it with his mouth, then remembers that he has no mouth. He tries to get part of his ears under the door handle, but finds they are too big to fit in the narrow space. Eventually he gives up. Cut to Galactus.) Galactus: Hmm, I need a herald to proclaim my coming. Let me see (looks at a monitor on his wrist displaying Megatrons camp site) Ah perfect. I will give him a new body first though. One that is more fitting for a herald of Galactus. (Galactus fires off a beam of energy that hits Megatrons camp on Earth. Voyager and Steelhaven attempt to fire on it, but can do no harm to it. The beam hits down on it's target in the camp.) Gears: Oh baby, was it good for you too? Arcee: That was interesting. Runabout: Hey, Runamuck. Get the camera, Arcee and Gears are like, naked. Hey Gears, your gear-stick is like, hanging out. Runamuck: Woah, Ruanabout, look what happened to the boss. Runabout: What is it this time? Is he like, biting thin air? Or is he like bleating like a lamb with a spiky thing sticking out of his head? Galvatron: BWAH! How dare you INSULT me! Runabout: Uh oh. I'm so dead. Galvatron: (transforms into space cannon mode) Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy. The readers: Tell us about it. Runabout: (looks at the orange cannon) Where did that come from? Galvatron: HERES A HINT! (fires a single blast that makes Runabout light up like a -purple- Christmas tree for the briefest of seconds before crumbling to dust.) Does anyone else oppose me? Gears: Nope. Scully: What the hell is going on down there? Mulder: World war three by the looks of it. Tracks: Oh, look at the length and shape of that cannon (drooling, he trails of into mumbling that we are perhaps better off NOT hearing) Mulder: That's a deadly weapon. Tracks: (salivating) Yes, it is rather kinky. Galvatron: Enough. Stop the madness. I am here to announce the coming of my master. Let the world know. GALACTUS IS COMING! Tracks: I have come too you know. Galvatron: (disgusted look) Gwah. Mulder: Does anyone think we've overused the quantity of sexual innuendoes that we are allowed yet? Scully: Yes but it probably won't stop the writer using more of them. (In the Steelhaven, Fixit the micromaster walks past the locker, hears the noise and tries to open it. He can't because he's only seven foot tall, while the locker handle is about twelve feet off the floor.) Fixit: Aw, screw it. Can't be important. Gotta find Prime, wherever he's gotten off to. Prime: Damnit it. I know if I ever get out of here, someone is going to pull a joke about my coming out. It would be fine if I was Optimus Primal. Wait, is that the tread of heavy feet? IN HERE! PLEASE HELP! Grimlock: What locker sound like Optimus Prime for? Prime: It's me, Prime. I'm inside the locker. Help me get out. Grimlock: Me Grimlock know how to open door. Me Grimlock smartest Dinobot of all. Prime: Whatever. YIE! (Prime narrowly avoids being decapitated as Grimlock tries to slice through the door with his sword) NOT LIKE THAT! Try something else. Is it getting hot in here? (pause) Grimlock, your not using your fire breath are you? Grimlock: Hhehehe. Me Grimlock go find help. Prime: (moans) Why can't I have competent robots? (back on Earth, at the remains of the Quintisons ditch headquarters, Hot Rod and Springer are debating what to do.) Hot Rod: Hey, where did Magnus get to? Springer: He muttered something about a sore head and then I turned round to look at this copy of Playbot. He's proberly wandered of somewhere. Hot Rod: Sheash, he's so demented, he could have gone anywhere, done anything. Springer: Anyone. Hot Rod: Ok, that was cheap. Springer: (smirking) Yeah, yeah it was. So are we just going to investigate this doorway in the bathroom and see if we can find the rest of the crew of this ship, or go after him? Hot Rod: Screw him. What has he ever done for us? Springer: Right on. Quintison #4: I'm afraid that is impossible. You see now that you know we are here, you cannot be allowed to leave. Alive. Hot Rod: Shit. (meanwhile, Voyager and Steelhaven are now attacking Galactus who is now approaching the moon.) Janeway: Okay that's it. Fire those remaining Tri Cobolt torpedoes the writers seem to have forgotten all about. Tuvok: Torpedoes fired. Kim: Autobots are firing fusion cannons. Janeway: Lock phasers and photons. Full spread. Tuvok: Done. Janeway: Time to impact? Tuvok: One minute at current speed of Galactus's approach. Torres: We have our deflector array modified to emit high- level friction particles. That could buy us more time. Chakotay: So, I'm just going to sit here and do nothing? Janeway: Yeah, that's what you do most of the time, just sit there, going on vision quests. Chakotay: So? (pulls out a pipe full of most likely illegal "medicines") You want to know what I saw in my last vision quest? Paris: Nope. Chakotay: I saw that guy, being blasted by a super weapon coming from a giant metal ship, bigger then the Steelhaven is. Janeway: Good for you. Now lay off the hallucinogenic drugs. Paris: All we need now is to have an excuse for Neelix to say something, and that's the entire main cast with a guest role in this parody. Kim: What, I only get one line? Janeway: That's what you normally get in the show. (meanwhile, in the Quintison base, Hot Rod and Springer are now tied up in energeon bars, while the Quintisons are busy laughing maniacally to themselves) Quintison #1: Enough laughing, we must now attempt to contact Galactus, and forge an alliance with him. Quintison #3: We can't. Quintison #1: Why not? Quintison #4: (flicks a switch that shows the battle between Voyager, Steelhaven and Galactus) That's why. Hot Rod: Why didn't you try earlier? Quintison #1: We wanted to wait for the right moment. Hot Rod: Face it, your impotent. All Quintisons: WE ARE NOT! Hot Rod: Sorry, I meant incompetent. Quintison #1: Well, that's okay then. Quintison #3: Wait, Galactus is supposed to have a herald. Someone to announce his coming. We must find this herald, and tell him of our proposal. Hot Rod: And how would you find him then? Springer: Yeah, I'd like to see you try to do that too Quintison #1: We will watch CNN. They ought to have something on him soon enough. News Caster: And the fund raising effort to clean up the Statue of Liberty after it was spray painted by two robots to look like a red hair woman, has received a mysterious cash donation from a man who bore a strange resemblance to Woody Allen. Woody Allen was not available for comment. (there's a banging on the door) Quintison #4: I'll get it. (leaves) Quintison #1: We are so very close to victory. Quintison #3: I only wish we knew who had killed Quintison #2. Quintison #1: I told him if he didn't empty his bowels regularly, it would just end up blocking up his system and end up blowing him up. (there's a loud bang, and the corpse of Quintison #4 comes flying past into the room.) Quintison #1: Who dares to? Galvatron: I DARE TO! Hot Rod: Uh oh. Galvatron: I! The Herald Of Galactus, Am Here To Spread Word Of His Coming! Quintison #3: Who are you? Galvatron: I! Am Galvatron! Now Die! (transforms into space cannon mode and obliterates the two remaining Quintisons, then he turns to Hot Rod and Springer) Hot Rod: Oh man, this is not my day. Springer: I've got better things to do tonight then die. Hot Rod: Such as? Springer: Well, "Suddenly Susan" is on tonight. Hot Rod: HEY! (meanwhile, back at Galvatron's base case) Arcee: He's gone mad, mad I tell you. Gears: Yeah, well who cares? Least we're still alive. Arcee: I'm amazed he never saw us in these bushes. Gears: He was too busy ranting and looking for the other battle charger. Arcee: Hmm. Now what do we do? Do we get that Tracks guy here for a threesome? Gears: You are kidding, aren't you? There's no way I'm having any thing to do with him, not sexually anyhow. Lets see if Phsycotron left him and those humans alive though. (they wander off. Then they wander back and start putting on their body armour. Cut to the space battle as the weapons impact against Galactus, causing massive damage to his costume.) Galactus: Hmm, have to find a better tailor someday. Oh no, I ate the last one. (back to Gears and Arcee) Gears: By the way, do you ever wear a bra under there or not? Arcee: What's a bra? Gears: Never mind. Why won't this fit? Oh, it's your chest armour. Arcee: Why were you trying it on your head? Gears: Is it me, or were you programmed to be a bit too, well, nieve? Arcee: I don't recall being programmed. I just remember lots of bright lights, a few screams and that was it. I smashed down a wall, got hit on by a couple of Autobots, blasted them, then got recruited by Megatron. Then I noticed his sanity was slipping ever since then. Gears: Hmm, this is where we left the others, their not here though. Arcee: Well, Runamuck is still here. Gears: With a big hole in his chest, and no head. Oh, no it's over there, crushed and messed up with human blood. Arcee: So where did the humans go to? Ultra Magnus: (sounding like he's from a distance away) I can't deal with that now. Gears: I know that noise. Let's follow it. Tracks: Oh, hi. Ultra Magnus found us after Galvatron left us here. Gears: How'd you do that? Mulder: He was ranting something about being a herald of Galactus. Then he blasted that guy for saying something really perverted. We just sat here quietly and he left us alone. Tracks: Then Ultra Magnus came along to rescue us. Thank you, I'll do anything to thank you. Ultra Magnus: Get away from me you weirdo. Scully: I can't believe this is happening. Mulder: What, the alien robots? Scully: No, not that. Mulder: The planet sized giant with a big appetite? Scully: No. Mulder: The fact that we're still tied up? Scully: No, but don't put the fact that we were tied up in the report. We've enough trouble at work without that getting out. Mulder: So what don't you believe? Scully: That Ultra Magnus actually said something else for a change. Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now. Scully: Scratch that. (elsewhere, ie the Quintisons base.) Springer: You can open your eyes, he's gone. Hot Rod: Why'd he leave us alone? Springer: Who cares? I'm more worried about what's he's doing with our shuttle. Hot Rod: WHAT? (cut outside. We see the shuttle blasting off, with Galvatron in the pilots seat.) Hot Rod: Okay, lets find the others and see if we can do something. Tracks: Oh, we found you quite quickly. Springer: Primus. Shouldn't you be dead by now? Tracks: It's a long story. Hot rod: It generally is with you, and quite explicit too. Gears: Hey guys, I want you to meet my main squeeze, Arcee. Arcee: Hi. Springer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hot Rod: (drooling) Hello nurse. (Meanwhile, in space, Galactus is baring down on the two ships whose weapons are doing nothing, repeat, NOTHING, to stop him.) Springer: So much for this then. (takes out a chunk of the matrix and a rocket launcher) Might as well blast it off into the sun. Hot Rod, I can't believe she actually like Gears. Hot Rod: Guess she likes her men to be rugged. Springer: Huh. (points the rocket upwards after putting in the matrix chunk) Hot Rod: Okay, more rugged. Okay, downright rude. She must be a real slut to have gone with him. Springer: Are you trying to say something here? Scully: Here let me. Look, not all women are sluts, and we aren't objects either. Maybe Gears used her for cheap sex? That's what it looked like to me. Besides she could learn to love you. Get to know her, don't try to do whatever it was you were going to do with this matrix thingie. Mulder: And then get her in bed and have a really good time. Scully: Not that you'd know what to do with a woman, Mulder. As far as your concerned, Playboy center folds really do have staples in their bodies. Mulder: HEY! Springer: Look this isn't helping me at all. I'm so damned pissed off, I'm going to fire this anyhow. (leans back, takes aim, thinks twice, fires the matrix chunk randomly) There. Lets leave it to Primus how that effects things. Hot Rod: But Primus is dead. Springer: There's always a complication. Look, I'm supposed to ruin YOUR fun. Hot Rod: You can ruin my fun, when I'm leader. Mulder: Yeah, like anyone would follow you. Scully: Yeah, you'll be leader of the Autobots when Mulder's voice gets interesting. (The camera changes angle so that we see the Matrix chunk follow the shuttle Galvatron stole, and gets wedged in it's boosters. Galvatron ignores the rows of flashing red lights that appear on his console, after he demolishes it with his fist. Meanwhile the battle goes badly for the Voyager and Steelhaven crews. Galactus is just bearing down on them, when a Star Destroyer drops out of hyperspace, and starts launching legions of TIE fighters at him while it charges up it's main guns and experimental Death Star Weaponry. Suddenly Galvatron's ships loses control of it's manoeuvring thrusters, and goes circling in wild circles, eventually getting in the path of the Star Destroyer as it fires it's Death Star Weapons. The camera cuts from scene to scene.) Galvatron: BWAAAA! HA! HA! HA! Vader: Now, feel the power of a pissed off Sith Lord. Janeway: (stands up looking worried) Prime: It can't be Mulder: Woah, neat light show up there. Tracks: By the matrix. Springer: Er, that's about right. (The Death Star weapon powers up, fires, and hits the shuttle full on, exploding and releasing the Matrix energy as it does so.) Galactus: No, the one thing that could harm me. Or at least give me a major headache. (Matrix energy flows outwards in ALL directions, washing over everyone and everything. Sending everyone back to their own universes) Janeway: Oh great, we found the reset button. Paris: Again. Gears: By the Great Dome of Iacon. Mulder: Where did everyone go? Damnit. It's A Conspiracy! (Epilogue, Delta Quadrant, 2376) Janeway: Well, that was different. Torres: And we picked up more alien technology to boot. Neelix: (walks in) Captain, I really must protest. The Doctor came in and declared the mess hall to be unsanitary. Paris: (smirking) We wondered how'd you come into all of this. Tuvok: Perhaps with this technology we can find a way to get back home at a more effective speed. Torres: Don't bet on it. Their answer to the warp drive was over four million years old, and they'd never bothered to upgrade it. Seven: Their version of Transwarp appears to have applications in time travel. Janeway: Can it be used for normal space travel? Seven: Unfortunately, it appears all the design specifications are designed to fit the technology itself inside of some sub space pocket that would reduce the mass of said equipment. Even with our warp drive technology, we would not be able to duplicate the method used to store the equipment. Janeway: (the thought of normal miniaturisation techniques not even crossing her mind) Ok, dump it all here. (The equipment and designs get beamed into space. The transwarp prototype drive and other Autobot technology unfortunately react to the transporter beam, and go back in time a few million years as an Autobot shuttle with a screaming Beasts Wars Megatron tied to the hull comes into view. The equipment fuses together, hits Megatron and sends him off flying towards a certain planet. Epilogue, Cybertron, the 24th century, exact year unknown.) Prime: Cybertron, amazing. It's changed so much in the time we've been gone. Frist-Aid: A fews years, al this happens? I find it very hard to believe. Blurr: YeahLookAtTheFLowersAllOverThePlace. Hot Rod: Man, they must have deep roots to get all the way up to the surface of a metal planet. Beats Machine Megatron: What are you lot doing here? Prime: (covering his head) ARGH! It's the purple freak from my nightmares. Bob Skir: What the hell? Even I have more respect for Transformer history then this. Transfans: Yeah right. Optimus Primal: I FAILED! Cheetor: Shut up, I'm in charge now. Springer: YOU? Ahaha. I'd feel better with Hot Rod in charge. Hot Rod: Thank yo- HEY! Prime: YOU! You're the one that drew that moustache on my faceplate. Cheetor: Oh crap. Prime: Ultra Magnus. Bring me my hunting rifle and a dozen Turbo Hounds, and if you dare say you can't deal with it, you'll find yourself running side by side with chicken legs boy over there. Silverbolt: But we haven't formed Superion yet. Prime: Eh? Silverbolt: You know, the other Aerialbots and me merge into Superion the Gestalt? Well our legs are so thin round the thighs we got that nickname. It's fan name for us. Prime: Right Silverbolt, right. Blackarachnia: Silverbolt? (jumps Silverbolt's bones) Rattrap: Eh? What a slut. Cheetor: What's a slut? Rattrap: Shouldn't you be running for your life right now? (Epilogue, Death Star mark II, year unknown) Vadar: Here it is, the experimental weaponry was a complete success. The target was obliterated. Tech guy: Gee, it's designed to do that you know. Vadar: INFIDEL! Tech guy: Can't breathe. (Epilogue, Skinner's office, 1999 - there are no party streamers in this office) Mulder: And that's the whole story, sir. Scully: There's no evidence to help our case anymore. Not even the possibility of our having been anally probed by a green flying saucer. Skinner: (sighs) So, do either of you know what happened to Cancerman then? Mulder: Why do you ask? Skinner: It's just he went off after you to "check up on your activities". (cut to a shot of corn fields and two big domes containing millions of bees. Cancerman is being chased) Cancerman: HELP! Krychek: I don't even know what they're supposed to be doing here. I thought everyone was back in their own universe. Dalek: We Are Time And Dimensional Travellers! Go Figure It Out! Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate! EXTERMINATE! (The Daleks are crushed by Galvatron's white-hot-glowing-from-the- heat-of-re-entry corpse landing on them at several thousand miles a second.) Krychek: Ok, how did HE stay here then? Cancerman: (wipes away the sweat, lights cig by pressing it into Galvatron) Talk about setting up sequels, eh? (blows smoke ring) The end. But not quite. Narrator: Next time the Sliders timer goes crazy and sends them through time. Again. And they catch up with the transformers in the year 2001. Mystic: I see the end Prime, YOUR end. Prime: How long do I have? Mystic: Four years. Prime: (miffed) Thanks a bunch. (punches the mystic out) Mallory: Well, that's one way of getting your money back. (we see the severely wrecked Autobot city Earth, after the Decepticon assault in Transformers The Movie. The Sliders arrive and knock Daniel over one of the high up causeways as they land.) Hot Rod: (watching Daniel fall to his possible death) Nice one. By the way it's been exactly four years since we last saw you and Primes dead now. Guess who's in charge? (cut to a battle sequence in space. On the lead Autobot shuttle) Springer: Kup and Hot Rod Just bought it. Magnus: I can't deal with that now. (a swirly thing goes through everyone on the shuttle) Maggie: What the hell was that? Diane: (looking at her tricorder style thingie) Some kind of paradox. Rembrant: Of course, it was 1986 when this movie was released, and that line about "can't deal with it now," has been a running gag ever since. Now it's 2005 and the fabric of space and time is on the rocks. Mallory: Did you just think of that by yourself? Rembrant: Heck, I'm the star here now you know, I can say whatever I want. Mallory: I still don't buy it coming from you. Rembrant: Ok, Diane YOU explain it to him. Maggie: I should have just done Porno. Malllory: You still do porno. Narrator: Yes that's right. TransSliders. When two shows with NO respect for their own continuity get together, all hell breaks lose. But you kinda expected that now didn't you? -- David Hopper