MYSTERY SLIDERS THEATER 3000!!
(Everyone get out your harmonicas and sing to the MST3K Love Theme!)
In the not-too-distant future
On a parallel world
Our "Slider" show rejects
Were mysteriously hurled
Now they're stuck here now in this parody
Just for the entertainment of you and me
The Sci-fi channel thought cancellation hell
So they dragged the four off to the SOL
Well send them cheesy Sci-fi
From our very own shows (lalala)
They might just boost our ratings
But nobody really knows (lalala)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the shows begin or end;
They'll try to keep their sanity
With the help of their writer friends
(Sliders roll call!)
COLIN! (I'm Amish!)
WADE! (Die Maggie!)
ARTURO! (Blistering Idiot!)
QUIIIIIIIIIINN (Everybody slide!)
If you're wondering how they all got there
And other science facts
Just repeat to yourself it's Sci-fi
I should really just relax for
Mystery Sliders Theater 3000!
[Satellite of Love; SOL]
(Quinn Mallory pops out of the wormhole on the bridge of the SOL. He rubs his head and looks around with his patented "I'm confused" look. Everywhere JODSers drool.)
QUINN: Where am I? Maggie? Colin? Remmy?
AUTHOR: Auntie Em?
QUINN: -the hell?
AUTHOR: Sorry, force of habit.
(Arturo walks in carrying enough junk food to feed all those kids in those Sally Struthers commercials)
ARTURO: Now where did I put that coaster?
QUINN: (trying to peer over the mounds of junk food) Professor?
ARTURO: If I didn't know better I'd swear it was the annoying voice of Quinn Mallory.
QUINN: Professor! It's me, Quinn!
ARTURO: Damn, last time I eat anything marked "Hamdingers". It's giving me hallucinations.
QUINN: (to Author) Pssst! You're throwing too many inside jokes.
AUTHOR: Am not!
ARTURO: Oh fine. That's the last time I eat anything produced by FOX. There! Satisfied?
QUINN: It's hard to swallow anything FOX produces.
ARTURO: Anyway, (throws down junk food and hugs Quinn, nearly crushing him) good to see you my boy! It's been too long!
QUINN: (gasps and chokes)
(Wade and Colin come in to see Arturo and a blue-faced Quinn)
WADE: Ohmigod! Quinn is it really you?
QUINN: (just gasps and chokes, interesting dialogue isn't it?)
WADE: Let him go Professor! Colin get the cattle prod!
(Colin just stands there like the waste of space he is)
WADE: Fine! (she grabs a ding-dong) Here Professor nice treat. Yummy yum-yums.
(The Professor lunges for it throwing Quinn like a rag doll while he devours the untraceable Hostess product. Wade rushes over to Quinn)
WADE: Quinn? Is it really you?
QUINN: The Professor was dead!
WADE: Yep, only the original could sell off obvious statements like that and still look intelligent.
QUINN: How the hell did you guys get here? I thought you were canceled uh, I mean, captured.
WADE: This is where you go when the Sci-fi channel doesn't want your character anymore. They place you on another 'popular but soon to be canceled' show.
QUINN: That's impossible! I understand why they'd get rid of you guys but I'm the star!
(Wade smacks Quinn upside the head, and everyone who watched the third season cheers)
QUINN: Hey!
ARTURO: (finished with the ding-dong, the pastry; not Colin) Yes my boy. We are stuck on this poorly named vessel, "the Satellite of Love", (looks at Quinn and Wade for a moment) with no chance of escape or a well-written plot.
AUTHOR: Hey!!
QUINN: But we're in space! The timer can only transport us within the Southern California area.
ARTURO: Proof that it's poorly written with no continuity.
AUTHOR: This from a "Sliders" character. You no good little
WADE: Well now you're stuck with the rest of us. I don't know what we're supposed to do but at least it's better than other situations.
QUINN: How is that?
WADE: Maggie could be here.
ARTURO: Right you are. (sniffs the air) What is that ghastly odor?
(All sniff and look at Colin, who hasn't moved since he got there)
QUINN, WADE, & ARTURO: Ewwwww.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial in five seconds.
QUINN: Commercials?
MAGICE VOICE: Put the flashing button dumb-ass.
QUINN: Jeez, touchy.
(Quinn pushes the button and we go to commercials)
QUINN: (heard at fade out) I'm not changing him this time.
Coming from UPN, WB and FOX! They've dumped all their good writers and original ideas, now see them combine their brains ( or closest thing to a substitute) to form
TEEN ANGST HOUR!!!
That's right! An entire hour of twenty-year-olds trying to act like horny teens! Here's a preview!!!
(set up with Dawson and Joey from "Dawson's Creek" sitting on the bed with crappy music background)
DAWSON: Joey, I think I might have refined my dubious affections for you into that of a significantly more mature nature.
JOEY: You want wild passionate sex?
DAWSON: Damn right!
(They start getting it on while Bailey from "Party of Five" strolls in)
BAILEY: Cool! They're going to do the nasty! Let me get the camera!
(Brandon from "90210" comes in, dancing)
BRANDON: I lasted for ten seasons! I lasted for ten seasons! (notices Joey) Woah! Brenda? Is that you?
(Pru from "Charmed" strolls in. Note: she also played Brenda in "90210")
PRU: No, I'm here Brandon. Only now I'm on a show called "Charmed". My new name is Pru and I'm a witch.
BRANDON: I knew that already.
PRU: Dammit! I mean a real witch!
BRANDON: I know you were a real witch. Everyone on the set did.
PRU: (With demonic voice) Die insolent mortal!!
(Pru zaps Brandon while Joey and Dawson get it on with Bailey taping it)
BAILEY: Man, Campbell's going to pay me sooo much for this!
(Suddenly, the Voyager crashes into the room killing Bailey and Pru. Dawson and Joey are still oblivious while Janeway, Seven of Nine, Torres, and Kim step out. You didn't think I'd get to UPN did you?)
JANEWAY: Where are we?
SEVEN OF NINE: Do you think I give a rat's ass?
JANEWAY: What was that?
SEVEN OF NINE: I said "I think we landed in the past".
TORRES: Judging from the unruly sex acts, I'd say we landed in the 90's.
JANEWAY: Torres, how would you know anything about sex?
TORRES: Shut up bitch! At least I have a boyfriend!
JANEWAY: What did you say?!
TORRES: I said "I wish this trip would never end".
JANEWAY: Oh.
KIM: I like toast.
SEVEN OF NINE: Oh do shut up.
JANEWAY: (taps Joey on the shoulder) Excuse me, do you know the way to the Federation?
JOEY: I don't know ask Dawson. He's into that movie stuff.
JANEWAY: Do you know the way to the Federation?
DAWSON: Does it have anything to do with Speilburg?
JANEWAY: No.
DAWSON: Then I have no clue.
JANEWAY: Let's get out of here. Come on Torres, Seven of Nine.
TORRES: What about Harry?
JANEWAY: Do you want to take him?
TORRES: No sir! Uh, ma'am. Uh, sir. Oh what the hell!
(The girls board "the Voyager" and leave Kim sitting there watching the two teens resume doing the horizontal mambo.)
DAWSON: I do perceive that an unexpected sojourner from an untold reach of the known boundaries has promptly arrived at my dwelling.
KIM: What does "I" mean?
Coming soon to a television set near you!
(We now return to our regularly scheduled parody)
[SOL]
(The Sliders are sitting around talking to each other)
QUINN: So that's how you guys managed to survive here for this long time.
WADE: Yep, and we finished our explanation just in time for the audience to have no clue what's going on.
ARTURO: Stop breaking the fourth wall. It's giving me a headache.
WADE: Oh we can talk about that Einstein-Podinski-bridge thingy and sliding into parallel worlds, but knowing you're a fictional character bugs you?
ARTURO: Bite me Miss Welles.
QUINN: That didn't sound like the Professor.
ARTURO: I think I just said a trite one-line that is a commonplace calling card for a character that I'm replacing.
WADE: Like saying "Blistering idiot"?
ARTURO: Not all the time. (pause) All right so I tend to use it more lenient than other phrases.
COLIN: (who finally speaks up) So why are we here?
WADE: Because you're Quinn's brother and that's the only reason that you were cast…oh, you mean here?
QUINN: I don't know but there's another flashing button.
(Quinn hits the other flashing button to see a screen open on a secret laboratory. There you see two dark figures in black robes. One takes off their hood to reveal…LOGAN SAINT CLAIRE!!!!)
[Deep 13]
LOGAN: Hello boobies, ooh I've got to remember that pet name, how's it going my archenemies?
[SOL]
ALL: Logan Saint Claire?!?!?!?!
QUINN: How?
WADE: Why?
ARTURO: Dear Lord.
COLIN: (stares off into space)
[Deep 13]
LOGAN: That's right! I'm back to torture you people for leaving me after "Double Cross". I mean, my God, I'm the best villain in the series and you don't use me after that!
[SOL]
QUINN: Well, at least you're mentioned once or twice.
WADE: And the fanfiction writers seem to like you.
[Deep 13]
LOGAN: That's not the point! I'm here to take retribution for a grievous wrong! And I brought help!
(The other masked individual comes up and removes the hood to show... RICKMAN!!!! The freakish, creepy half-hybrid from the godawful third series!!)
RICKMAN: Hello boobies!
LOGAN: I used that already, Simba.
RICKMAN: My name's not Simba!! Oh forget it.
[SOL]
ALL: Rickman!!
ARTURO: Wait, how does Colin know about Rickman if we stay true to our series and show absolutely no continuity?
(They all turn to Colin who shrugs and begins to stare off into space again)
WADE: This is getting freaky.
[Deep 13]
RICKMAN: I agree. So know it's the time in our schedule to explain our nefarious plans to you for exposition.
[SOL]
ALL: (singing) No one expects the "Sliders" exposition!
QUINN: So what's the plot, Goldfinger?
[Deep 13]
LOGAN: Oh you and your damn Bond references!
RICKMAN: You should know, you hold the same obsessions! Even that thing with the cock-HUMPH!
(Logan hit's Rickman in the balls, really hard)
RICKMAN: (in three octaves higher) I meant to say cockroaches, like the one's from "Joe's Apartment".
LOGAN: Oops. My bad.
[SOL]
ARTURO: So why haven't you bloody gotten on with it already! I'm sick of wasting my time in this poor parody as it is!
AUTHOR: That's it!! One more crack on my writing and I'll send you to work with the Olsen twins!
ARTURO: You wouldn't.
AUTHOR: Try me.
ARUTRO: (whimpering) I'll be good.
[Deep 13]
LOGAN: We will as soon as our leader gets here.
[SOL]
QUINN: You mean you're lackeys?!
ALL: (stifled laughter)
[Deep 13]
RICKMAN: (stops licking his butt) Hey! That's mean!
LOGAN: Rickman! How many times have I told you to stop licking your ass?! You don't look intimidating with your head in your butt-hole!
RICKMAN: Sorry.
[SOL]
ALL: Eeeeeewwwwww!!!
WADE: Okay, we give. Who's the major villain?
COLIN: Kromaggs?
ARTURO: FOX executives?
WADE: Henry the dog?
QUINN: Wade's doubles on most of the worlds?
(Wade kicks Quinn in the shin and Quinn begins to cry)
[Deep 13]
(The two have party streamers and are standing on the sides of a mysterious figure, hidden by the shadows)
RICKMAN: Wrong!
LOGAN: We have the most detestable-!
RICKMAN: -despicable!
LOGAN: -loathed!
RICKMAN: -appalling!
(The figure smacks both of them and steps up to the camera revealing...)
[SOL]
ALL: MAGGIE!?!?!?!?!?!
WADE: (under her breath) Why am I not surprised?
[Deep 13]
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: Not just Maggie, but Evil-Third-Season-Maggie!!!!!
(lightning flashes and thunder rolls)
[SOL]
ARTURO: Oh dear God.
WADE: I know Professor, it's horrible.
ARTURO: Not that Miss Welles. I lost my candy bar!
(the Professor starts to rummage around for his candy bar)
COLIN: (like Lennie from "Of Mice and Men) But Quinn, you said Maggie was good. Tell me about the rabbits, Quinn. Tell me about how I got to feed the rabbits.
QUINN: You are not my brother. No way in hell could you be…
[Deep 13]
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: Hey! Pay attention!! Now I'll submit you to the worst torture imaginable!
RICKMAN: Give me a tick bath?
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: No, that's Logan's job.
LOGAN: No way! That's not fair!
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: I don't care! I'm evil! Now do it!!!
(Logan drags Rickman off to get his bath mumbling her usual threats)
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: (to Sliders) Well now with that out of the way, where was I? Oh yes! I will make you watch horrible unspeakable shows that would kill even the most hardened MiSTie!
[SOL]
COLIN: What's a MiSTie?
ARTURO: My boy, I think it's a form of Trekkie.
AUTHOR: Not exactly. We're basically people who like to take dumb contrived stuff and make fun of it for the benefit of the audience. Sliders is a good choice for us.
ALL: Okay. (pause) HEY!!!!
COLIN: What's a Trekkie?
[Deep 13]
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: I don't care about the terms, but you all will watch the most horrible things that network TV can plan!
[SOL]
ARTURO: Those ghastly Olsen twins and any other actor from "Full House"?
COLIN: FOX specials?
WADE: "Dawson's Creek", "Felicity", and "Zoey, Duncan, Jack, & Jane"?
AUTHOR: Anything on UPN?
(The cast of Voyager immediately comes in and starts to beat the shit out of the author)
QUINN: Sports Night?
(Wade kicks Quinn on the other shin. He falls down and she begins to kick him repeatedly)
[Deep 13]
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: Actually, I was just going to make you watch "Friends" but now I have bad shows to send you. I'll have to remember those.
[SOL]
ALL: Do'h!!!!
[Deep 13]
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: Hahahaha!!! Being evil is cool! Now all I have to do is devise a plan to take over the world.
(Evil-Third-Season-Maggie sits down and tries to think but smoke comes out of her ears and the silicon boobs start to catch fire)
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: Ahhh! I'm on fire!
(Two white mice come in)
BRAIN: That truly is pathetic, Pinky.
PINKY: I don't know Brain, Jar Jar Binks is a highly likable character.
BRAIN: I stand corrected. That is a truly pathetic sight.
EVIL-THIRD-SEASON-MAGGIE: (to camera) Just get in the theater!!!!!!
[SOL]
(Lights flash and there is general panic)
QUINN: We slide now!
WADE: Wrong show dumb-ass!
(the Sliders enter the MST3K theater and you see the door sequence. We leave these people to their experiment. Just trust me because there are thing even a MiSTie won't tamper with. Just try to imagine the horror yourself... all right.? Until the next parody, Make Mine Marvel. No wait, wrong character series!)
QUINN: (off-screen) Hey! It's Electric Twister Acid Test!
This parody is created by the warped mind of Mel Pent. Sliders is the creation of St. Clare Entertainment and the Sci-fi channel. MST3K is the property of Best Brains and the Sci-fi channel. AAAHHHH!!! They own everything!! It's a conspiracy I tell you!! A conspiracy!! E-Mail praise, flames, or your eternal soul to melnjane@gte.net. Have fun!!