MYSTERY TREK THEATER by Michael Mannheim (Space. The Enterprise-E floating along looking bored.) Picard: Captain's log. Today's date Doctor Crusher. The Enterprise has been ordered to Nearpoint Station where we hope to make contact with the Q, a government employee who works for Agent 007. In addition- Riker: Red Alert! Picard: What? Who's planet was just attacked? Riker: Relax. Nothing happened yet. But if I know Michael Piller, it will. Picard: He's writing this episode? Riker: No. But I THINK the opening credits said Stephen King. Picard: What opeining credits? Riker: Well, they haven't happened yet, but Troi told me that her telepathic powers- Worf: Captain! Starfleet reports that cosmic events must be temporarily suspened for paid commercial time! Riker: Red Alert! (opening credits and commercials) (On the bridge of the Enterprise-E) Data: Sensors indicate advert-wave bombardments have stopped. Riker: Whew! Lower shields. Picard: That was a close one. Did you notice that the Budweiser frogs changed hair style again? Worf: Now what? Picard: Now we wait for something to happen. (43.432 hours pass. On bridge, Riker and Troi are playing a game of chess, Worf is reading "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and Picard is reporgramming his replicator to make Earl Grey Tea after Spot erased it.) Troi: Checkmate! Riker: No fair! You know all my next moves! That's why you win every time. Troi: Not when I play Data. Data: Dr. Noonien Soong did recycle my circuitry from Deep Blue but I am not- (an alarm beeps BWEEEP BEWEEEP) Data: BWEEEP BWEEP! Bweep bweep? Never heard that one before. Picard: Mr. Worf! Answer my beeper immeditaly! Mr. Worf! Worf: Eh? Wha? Oh! Sorry, Captain . . . Comp.: Thank you for using Bell Alpha Quadrant Subspace Beeper service. You're call is being re-routed through our new hyper-mega-super fast network. (Sixteen hours and fourty three minutes later) Comp.: Rerouting complete. You were paged by 32429-0982430-98423908714-3209 exactly sixteen hours and fouty three minutes ago. Picard: Number One, you have the conn. I'll be in my ready room. (Picard leaves) Data: Puzzling. Picard assigned Commander Riker to conn but he did not assign anyone to pro. (The Ready Room) Picard: Computer, dial 32429-0982430-98423908714-3209. Comp.: Please insert ten bars of latinum. Thank you. Dialing. Voice: Captain . . .Picard. This . . .is . . . a . . .recorded . . . message . . .from . . .Captain . . .James . . . T. . . Kirk. Earth . . . will . . . be . . . destroyed . . . in . . . exactly . . . fifteen . . . hours. Help us, damn you! Picard: Holy Ferengi Ears! Mr. Riker! Set course for Earth, maximum warp! Engage! (Nothing happens.) Picard: Damn! (He leaves) (In the bridge. Picard enters.) Picard: Mr. Riker! Set course for Earth, maximum warp! Engage! Riker: Mr. Data! Set course for Earth, maximum warp! Engage! Data: Mr. Helmsman! Set course for Earth, maximum warp! Engage! Helm: Set it yourself. (Space. The Enterprise goes to warp.) (Space. The Enterprise comes out of warp.) Picard: This is the U.S.S. Enterprise to alien vessel that just destroyed Earth. You have commited an act of aggression against Voyager's final episode. Lower your shields and prepare to be assimilated . . .I mean boarded. (The bridge.) Worf: Alien is hailing us. Kay: We are the Men In Black. Jay: Also known as MIBs. (Kay holds up a small device) Kay: Look directly at the light. (A flash.) Kay: I am Dr. Brown and this is Mary. We're just passing through goodbye. We did not destroy your planet. Jay: Who the Bullwinkle's are you? Kay: Oops. I'm suing RayBanCrafters. (The screen goes off.) Riker: Who could have destroyed Earth, sir? Picard: (Scottish accent) I don't have a clue. Data: Captain, I know someone who may be able to help us. (Shuttlebay. A black spacecraft has landed. Two people get out.) Scully: Mulder, this is our weirdest X-File yet. Mulder: Listen, Scully, Earth was just destroyed and with it went my nomination for "Agent of The Month". The truth is out there. (Red Alert!) Riker: Attention all hands! Budget cuts have forced us to get rid of all guest characters. Mulder: It's a conspiracy! (Mulder and Scully vanish.) (Space. Another starship. It's the Satellite of Love!) (Inside. The usual affair.) Mike: Wow! I can't believe that Pearl actually let us watch "Star Wars". Tom: Zip-a-dee-do-da, zip-a-dee-day . . . Crow: I knew she would finally run out of Ed Wood and John Agar films! Tom: May the Force be with you! Mike: Amen! Gypsy: Attention! Achtung! Sensors detect a unidentified ship! Mike: Can you identify it? Gypsy: Negative! Ship is unidentified. It is hailing us! Mike: On screen. Picard: Unidentified ship, this is the U.S.S. Enterprise. Who are you? Mike: Were the unidentified ship. Picard: I knew that. Unidentified ship, what happened to Planet Earth? Tom: What? You didn't know? Good ol' Planet E was bulldozed to make way for a intergalactic wormhole. Picard: Why? Crow: Geeze. Didn't you know that Starfleet approved construction of the wormhole to bring Voyager back home? Picard: I see. Mike: Isn't it exciting that the Voyager is coming home! Tom: I just can't wait to see Seven of Nine! Picard: Who's Seven of Nine? Crow: The Borg on Voyager. All that fancy shmantzy starship and they don't even get UPN! Picard: Borg on Voyager! Red Alert! Shields! Phasers! Seatbelts! Everyone panic! (The end.)