The USS Enterprise, 1701-E, was about to be launched from Earth orbit. Everything was ready. The entire crew was aboard, all the equipment and accessories were fully installed and operational and loaded and ready and rarin' to go on the Superdupernova Class Flagship of the newest class of ships, which could achieve Super- DuperTransWarp Factor 9.9.9999999999999999999999999999999999999835, and everything was ready for its maiden voyage. Nothing could go wrong.

Admiral Picard and Admiral Riker sat in their seats of honor, as Captain LaForge looked over the last-minute checklist and the "journalists" crowded around the bridge, filming everything, including each other.

"Everything's in order, sir," said ensign Mary Kate Ashley Olsen, the newest and youngest member of the crew, happy to have the very first line of dialog in this story. She then gave an autograph to one of the "journalists", accepting some gold-pressed latinum in exchange.

"Very good," Captain LaForge said. "Helm, take us out."

"Taking us out," Helmsman Leonal Helmsley said.

"Heading, sir?" Navigator Naphthalene Navratilova (that's the closest I could come) said.

Captain LaForge looked over to where Picard and Riker were seated. "Your disgression," Picard said politely.

LaForge nodded his thanks and said, "Bearing 123 Mark 456 by 789. Just a short trip to Pluto and back."

Suddenly a beeping sound filled the bridge. The Communications officer, Horace Chatterley, said, "Distress signal coming in."

A sense of foreboding filled the bridge. The backgroud music suddenly became deep and moody. Trepedatiously LaForge asked, "Aren't there any other ships in the area?"

"None available, sir," Ensign Olsen said. "The ships are either on leave at Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, on patrol at the Romulan Neutral zone, or being repaired, or refitted, or..."

LaForge hesitated, suddenly suspicious. "Maintain heading. But open hailing frequencies."

"Bandanna banana," Chatterley said, certain that nobody would care what he said.

LaForge stood, faced the blank viewscreen and asked, "This is the Federation starship Enterprise. What's the problem?"

"We are being attacked by Cardassians!" a frantic voice yelled.

LaForge frowned, shaking his head. "What would aggressive Cardassians be doing so close to Earth? They would have been intercepted long before this."

The voice answered, "Um--there's a strange lexus/nexus internet energy warp matrix coil space-time-life cosmic force distortion field sphere ribbon intersecting with our continuum!"

"We would have detected it heading in our direction long ago," LaForge replied instantly.

"The Borg must have created it right in this spot!"

LaForge suppressed a laugh. "This is the most densely populated, central region of the Federation. We would have noticed them this close. Who are you guys?"

"We are the Bajoran ship Whoosis."

LaForge answered, "If you're Bajorans, you must know about the Bajoran aphasia virus that makes everybody spout nonsense. Why don't you use it against your attackers?"

"Um--I mean, we're--uh, working for the Bajorans. We don't have the virus."

"We'll send over a sample." LaForge said.

"Um--we won't be able to beam it over to them--the energy field sphere ribbon thingie is inhabited by those aliens from the other universe, from the episode `Schisms'."

"Well, then, we'll just induce a transwarp rupture field with our warp engines," LaForge said. "That'll destabilize their harmonics."

"Um--we'll need a while to prepare our engines for the ingluvial alembecs inoculating the nacelles--"

"Not necessary. We'll just extend the polyunsaturated field NextGeneration coils."

"Um--oh, no! The Romulans just beamed onto our bridge! We're--ahhh!" there was a scream.

Chatterley said, "The signal was cut at their end."

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm suspicious," said Helmsman Helmsley.

"I have no idea why," Ensign Olsen said as she signed another autograph for another "journalist".

"We're closing in on them," Navratilova said. "Onscreen."

The screen showed nothing but a blank star field.

"What do the sensors show?" LaForge asked the scientological officer, Al Ronhubbard.

"It's a cloaked ship." Ronhubbard said.

"Inform Starfleet, see if they can't spare a space shuttle or something," LaForge said.

"Okey-dokey," Chatterley said. "Another distress signal coming in from the same source."

"Enterprise, you've got to help us! The Jem Hadar just encased our ship in some sort of invisibility field and are about to take over our engine room!"

LaForge looked around the bridge, wondering who was best qualified to handle this.

The chief engineer was N. Jane Eyre, a beautiful woman who had learned cellular metamorphosis from the shapeshifters of Antos IV, and had managed to avoid going crazy like Garth had--except for the occasional chocolate binge.

LaForge told her, "Shapeshift into a Jem-Hadar. Go over there and tell them you're one of them, and you were on a secret mission. Tell them there's an emergency and they have to leave right away. Or something."

"Sounds good to me," she replied as she stood up and said, "Transporter room, one to beam over."

"Acknowledged," said Ensign Beemer, who was ten decks away, but he locked onto her anyway. "Oops," he said. "They just raised their shields."

"Are you able to identify the ship yet?" he asked Al Ronhubbard.

"Yes, I am. The USS Galackiewicz. It's held by a consortium which is controlled by a company that's supervised by a corporation whose owners are an organization regulated by an association administered by a conglomerate which is a subsidiary of Olsen and Olsen--"

LaForge looked around the room, and noticed Ensign Olsen cheerfully signing more autographs for the adoring "journalists".

"Did you hear that?" LaForge asked, staring at the innocent young ensign, who suddenly dropped the pen she was holding.

"Um--" she said, thinking fast. "It's my evil twin's doing!" she said. "Ashley Mary Kate Olsen! If you let me go over there myself I can reason with her--"

"How do we know you're not the evil twin??" LaForge asked.

"Um--" Mary Kate Ashley Olsen replied.

LaForge turned to N. Jane Eyre. "Shapeshift into her, the rest of us will move out of camera range, and you surrender. They'll let you go over, and then you arrest the evil twin."

"All right," said N. Jane Eyre. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, tapped her heels three times, and turned into the most astonishingly beautiful little girl you could ever imagine. The "journalists" practically swooned, gathering around her asking for autographs. She told them, "I'll give an exclusive interview to all of you as soon as I get back. But first you have to get me Gowron's autograph."

"Gowron?" they were puzzled. "Who's Gowron?"

"He was People magazine's Sexiest Klingon Alive last year." The "journalists" were already dashing to the turbolifts.

Chatterley opened a hailing frequency and everybody got out of the way. Then N. Jane Eyre stood up, faced the viewscreen, surrendered, beamed over, turned into a Lavinian octopus, arrested everybody in sight, beamed back, and put them all in the brig except for Ashley Mary Kate Olsen who was brought to the bridge so she could have her big showdown with her sister.

"They made us do it!" Ashley Mary Kate Olsen screamed, pointing at the only "journalist" who had decided to stick around. "They promised us we could have our own theme specials for every day of the year! They promised us we could have every holiday special we wanted! They promised us specials for holidays only Basques celebrate! We were gonna write our own scripts, design our own wardrobes, everything! We had to do it! The ratings were going downhill! And besides, The Enterprise has to get into trouble every time it gets launched! It's a tradition! Besides, nobody got hurt! You weren't supposed to get hurt, and this was only supposed to last long enough to fill up one commercial break, and it turned out all right after all!"

"Yeah!" agreed Mary Kate Ashley Olsen. "And besides--what are you doing??"

LaForge had signaled two of the security guards to take them both to the brig. "I think the Hortas would be interested in making friends with those two," he suggested.

"Good idea," Picard said.

So they left the girls with the Hortas, went back to get their first assignment, and everybody lived happily ever after, for the next five minutes.

(Note: Persons who can identify the reference to "Galackiewicz" will receive a pat on the back. Hint: This parody is several years old. And so is the TV commercial.

By Stephen Mendenhall