ON THE AIR
by Diana R. Flynn / Darkflurb / I AM the Neutral QUEEN!! waitforgetIsaidthat...
STOP! DON'T SUE!
Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and the rest of the characters from TXF were invented by
Chris Carter and the other wonderful people at FOX (even if they did steal my name for
Mulder's ex, those sneaky little...) and I in no way wish to take credit for creating them.
The characters from Sliders belong to Sci-Fi channel, Tracy Torme', and the other crazed
um! I mean the other _talented_ minds involved in making Sliders. I would like it if
everyone involved would consider the following to be a slightly twisted little tribute.
What do you do once you get kicked off your sci-fi show? She's cheerful, she's unassuming, she believes in things like true love, numerology and tea leaves! She's: WADE WELLES: Hi! You're on the air. CALLER1: (a man's voice deadpans) Hi. Look, I've never called into a radio show asking for romance advice before. I'm a little ...embarrassed. WADE: That's quite alright. Lots of people are the first time they seek my aid. Can I help you? CALLER1: Uh... I hope so. My name is uh... Walter... Frohike. WADE: I'm sure it is. CALLER1: What? WADE: I said, "What more there is." What is your romance problem, sir? CALLER1: Well it's not exactly a romance problem. WADE: I'm sure it's not. CALLER1: Huh? WADE: I said, "This is your spot." Tell us whatever you want, sir. CALLER1: Well, there's this woman whom I've known for a few years now. We've been through a lot together. We've recently had the X-Files reope- um! I mean... Well I want to celebrate somehow. To give her a token of my esteem without presuming too much or giving offense. WADE: Oh! Well as irrelevant as it may be to the the astral alignment of your girlfriend's soul, there's nothing like jewelry. According to the ancient Celtic and Babylonian tenets, "nothing from Tiffany's can give offense." CALLER1: Actually she's not my girlfriend. We work together. WADE: Oh, I see. This is a buisiness relationship. Maybe something she could use, like a day planner, or some therapy sessions... CALLER1: Well, she already has therapy, but a day planner... I want to give her something more... more... But I don't want to send the wrong message. WADE: Okay... So what message do you want to send? "I love you" or "I appreciate you"? There is a pause. WADE: Walter? CALLER1: I don't think my writers have figured that out yet. WADE: You didn't tell me you were afraid of commitment. In that case, I'd have to say to go with flowers. CALLER1: Flowers? Thanks! (click!) WADE: Next caller, you're on the air. CALLER2: (a woman's voice speaks slyly) Hello there, Wade. WADE: Hi... It may be that I've been wearing these headphones too long, but you sound a little familiar. Have you called in before? CALLER2: No. WADE: What's your romance problem, ma'am? CALLER2: Actually, it's not a romance problem. WADE: Then what in the name of wierdness are you calling me for, darnitt?! (coughs) I mean: go on. CALLER2: I'm looking for someone. She's been missing since the first episode of this season. WADE: Well we'll be glad to help. Could you tell our listeners what she looks like? CALLER2: Well, she used to have my job; she used to drool over the guy who is now my new honey... She also has really obvious overdyed red hair,and answers to the name of "Loser." WADE: Wow! This all sounds so familiar... I'll be sure to have my listeners keep an ear out. CALLER2: Thank you so much. (click!) WADE: Next caller, you're on the air. CALLER3: (a woman's voice speaks) Hi there. WADE: Hello, ma'am. What can we help you with today? CALLER3: Look, I've uh, never called into a radio talk show before. My name is... Dara... Shelley. WADE: Uh...huh. Yeah. What's your romance problem, 'Dara?' CALLER3: Well, it's not exactly a romance problem... WADE: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING?! I mean: really? Do tell. CALLER3: Well... There's this guy that I've been working with for a couple of years. We've come to know each other pretty well, but then this woman shows up... WADE: Oh? CALLER3: Yeah. A tall brunette. I've never really thought of our relationship in that kind of- WADE: A brunette? CALLER3: Yes. Like I was saying, I've never thought of our relationship as a romance, but I didn't get really nervous 'til she started muscling in on my job. I was starting to feel almost... But then she got- WADE: Kill her. CALLER3: What? WADE: The brunette. Poison her lip gloss. Feed her to giant worms! Leave her for grunge-rock vampires, but whatever you do, DON'T LET THAT MOONEY-EYED SACK OF CELLULOSE GET ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CO-STAR! SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! CALLER3: But someone already did! They put a hole in her lung! She's on life support and I feel really terrible about being so- WADE: THEN PULL THE PLUG, DARNITT! PULL THE- Hello? Dara? Are you still there? Hmm... Next caller, you're on the air...
So what did you think? Please send any comments, criticism, death threats or money to vhrd53d@prodigy.com.
-Darkflurb