Did you ever wonder what would happen if Voyager crew members raised 
Pokemon? No? Good. That means you're not as demented as I am. But you see, I 
like Voyager. My 10 year old brother likes Pokemon, and as a result I am 
subjected to it regularly.

TITLE: Star Trek Voyager: Pikachu Stew
AUTHOR: Meagan Weich
DISCLAIMER: Voyager is not mine (though I wouldn't mind Chakotay, who to my 
more-than-slightly warped mind is hotter than Paris any day). Pokemon aren't 
mine (though I wouldn't mind Pikachu, Vulpix, and Charizard if anyone has a 
spare...). Kaltia is mine. Tashi is the work of my best friend/cousin, Audra 
Skinner. And you Paramount goons can't have 'em just because you like 'em 
'cause they're so much cooler than all of your characters put together! And 
as Kaltia and Tashi belong to me (I'm borrowing Tashi), I can do my own 
casting... hmm...

You may notice that The Doctor, Tuvok, and Neelix really aren't in this 
	story much.
ALL: Hooray!!
ME: Who really needs them anyway?

If you couldn't already guess my crime, I'll confess now. I'm 16. DON'T HATE 
ME!!! My 17th birthday is September 12th. Birthday greetings (and I guess 
questions, comments and hate mail as well) can be sent to 
rianala@hotmail.com. FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!!!

Now for shameless self-promotion! Read my other stories, "The Cave of 
Horrors" and "The Other Side of the Voyager Crew"! But send comments to this 
address please. The address listed on those stories is now a bad no-no! 
(Yes, I have a little sister.)

This will probably (I haven't written it yet) contain references to other 
people's parodies since I can't sort out any more what I've read somewhere 
and what I'm inventing. But I know it has (that is to say, will have) 
references to whoever's parody it was that came up with the idea of Tuvok 
playing Tetris. Thank yous/apologies in advance. (Don't worry. He kicked the 
Tetris habit.) There is also probably a sprinkling of "The Hitchhiker's 
Guide to the Galaxy" in here. Thank yous/apologies to Douglas Adams as well.

Cast of Characters (in order of how much I like 'em. I'm opinionated)
Kaltia...................................... Meagan Weich (hey! That's me!)
Tashi...........................Audra Skinner (hey! That's my best friend!)
Lt. B'Elanna Torres.......................................... Roxann Dawson
Commander Chakotay...........................................Robert Beltran
Seven of Nine.....................................................Jeri Ryan
Ensign Tom Paris ("Demotion Spice")...................Robert Duncan McNeill
Capt. Kathryn Janeway..........................................Kate Mulgrew
Ensign Harry Kim................................................Garret Wang
Lt. Commander Tuvok................................................Tim Russ
The Doctor...................................................Robert Picardo
Neelix (bottom of the heap)..................................Ethan Phillips

(SCENE: Voyager bridge. All except Janeway, Neelix (ick) and the Doctor are 
present.)
(Janeway enters)

JANEWAY: What's going on up here, people?
CHAKOTAY: Well, since you asked, I'm reading a Playbeing magazine, Harry is 
	sleeping, Tom is staring at B'Elanna, B'Elanna is staring at Tom 
	with a rather predatory look, Seven is running some scans, and I 
	haven't got the faintest idea what Tuvok is doing.
JANEWAY: What are you doing, Mr. Tuvok?
TUVOK: I'm playing Pokemon.
All but Paris: What?
TUVOK: It is an ancient 20th century video game where you attempt to capture
 	various creatures and engage them in combat against your opponent's 
	creatures. Ensign Paris introduced me to it.
JANEWAY: No more Tetris, huh?
TUVOK: Nuh-uh. Too dangerous.
KIM: Uh... Captain?
JANEWAY: Yeah?
KIM: There's a weird lady's face on the viewscreen! She's got brown hair and 
	green eyes!

(Everyone looks at the viewscreen... except for Chakotay, who never looks up 
from his magazine. Those who do look see a blank viewscreen.)

PARIS: I don't see anything. (goes back to staring at B'Elanna)
TORRES: Me neither. (goes back to staring at Tom)

(Seven, Tuvok, and Janeway all look and confirm that there's nothing on the 
viewscreen)

JANEWAY: Harry, honey, what did I tell you about making up stories?
KIM: I wasn't making it up! I really saw a psycho lady! And she talked!
PARIS: And just what did she say?
KIM: She said that Tuvok needs to learn to stop fooling around on duty.

(there is a brief silence)

TUVOK: (in a perfectly normal Tuvok voice) I am going to kill you, Ensign.
KIM: She also said that she's gonna teach him a lesson.
TUVOK: (in a perfectly normal Tuvok voice) I am going to kill you until you 
	die from it.

(Harry's console beeps)

KIM: Captain, we're being hailed.
TUVOK: I'm going to murder you in your sleep.
JANEWAY: (ignoring Tuvok) On screen.
KALTIA: Hi Captain!
KIM: It's the psycho lady!!!
JANEWAY: Harry, that's not nice! (to Kaltia) How do you know me?
KALTIA: First, don't pick on the kid. I am a psycho lady. Second, I know all 
	of you. And I know exactly which ones of you I consider to be 
	interesting enough to be worth stealing.
JANEWAY: Stealing? What...

(SCENE: A tiny house in Pallet Town. Janeway, Chakotay (minus magazine), 
Kim, Neelix, Paris, Torres, and Seven all materialize. Two strange (as in 
unknown and bizarre looking) females are standing there as well.)

JANEWAY: ...do you mean by stealing?
KALTIA: Don't worry. We're not very hostile. We just have a job for you.
VOYAGER GANG: (groans)

(Mutters of things like "Not again!" and "Will the madness never stop?!" are 
heard)

TASHI: Hey! This is gonna be easy. All you guys gotta do is babysit.
KALTIA: Yeah! But I should really introduce us first. I'm Kaltia and this is 
	my bestest buddy in the whole   wide world, Tashi.
TASHI: You see, we're part of a singing group and we're going out on tour. 
	So we need somebody to  watch our pets for us.
KALTIA: (sees a hand up in the back) Yes Chakotay?
CHAKOTAY: Why us?
KALTIA: It was either you guys or the DS9 crew. And Worf's hot, but that 
	little Ezri thing annoys the living Zarquon out of me.
TASHI: And that Bashir guy is such an idiot. Reminds me of a skinny little 
	dork I knew in grade school.
KALTIA: And I only trust those guys about as far as I can drop-kick them. 
	Anyway, here's the conditions.  You guys take good care of our pets
	for the next week, and I'll let you go back to Voyager safe and 
	sound. If these guys show any signs of neglect or mistreatment when
	we get back, we're going to move in on your ship and make your lives
	a living you-know-what for the next seventy years, probably longer 
	at the rate you're going.  Agreed?
JANEWAY: Do we have a choice?
TASHI: (pleasantly, in a tone reminiscent of Kes) No. Not really. You see, 
	we're hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings. We could destroy 
	you, but we just want you to watch our pets instead.  (switching to 
	business mode) Anyway, here's the food. Their pictures are on the 
	jars so you'll know what to give who. If they misbehave, put them 
	back in their balls for an hour or so.
CHAKOTAY: (snickers immaturely at the word "balls".)
KALTIA: Shut up, Chakotay. The only reason I’ve let you survive this long is 
	because you’re a cutie.
TASHI: And they're all in here. (hands six balls to Janeway) Let them run 
	free for at least 12 hours out of any given 24 but don't let them 
	get outside. Don't you go outside either. The bathroom's down the
	hall, and you should find the kitchen easy enough.  Three of these 
	are mine, four are Kaltia's.  Take care!

(Kaltia and Tashi vanish).

JANEWAY: (holding up a ball) How do we get them out? (Studies the ball 
	closely. It is engraved with Kaltia's name and a small lightning 
	bolt. Janeway tries to turn it around to look at the other side, 
	but drops it.)   Oops! Clumsy me.

(Before she can pick it up, it springs open. There is a reddish flash, and 
then Janeway finds herself looking at a small yellow mouse.)

PIKACHU: Pikachu!
JANEWAY: Aw! Look! Isn't that cute! I'll take care of this one! (passes the 
	remaining balls to Chakotay and moves towards the Pikachu) C'mere 
	little fellow.
PIKACHU: (warningly) Pika!
JANEWAY: I'm not gonna hurt you. (she extends a hand to the Pikachu)
PIKACHU: Pika pika... PIKACHU!!!!!!! (Pikachu lets loose with several 
	thousand volts on Janeway. Her  hair sticks out wildly.)
JANEWAY: How cute! Everybody else take one, since there's seven. I'm going 
	to go fix my hair (runs down the hall)
CHAKOTAY: (passes out the balls, snickering immaturely all the while) Okay, 
	let's see what we've got, here. Who's going first?
KIM: Me! Me! Ooh! Me!
CHAKOTAY: Fine, Harry.

(Harry throws the ball, one of Tashi's, at the floor. Out comes a big, 
tiger-striped dog-thing)

KIM: Oooh! A doggie! Nice doggie!
GROWLITHE: (licks Harry's hand) Grrrrrowlithe!
KIM: See! He likes me!

(Kim takes off running down the hall with the Growlithe at his heels.)

KIM: (from a distance) Wanna play frisbee, nice doggie?
PARIS: Hey! I know what these things are!
CHAKOTAY: What are they?
PARIS: They're Pokemon! Tuvok's video game must've gotten us into another 
	hairy mess!
CHAKOTAY: How much do you know about these Pokemon?
PARIS: Not too much. I haven't been able to get past Cerulean City. I'm 
	familiar with Pikachus, but I never saw the dog-thing in my life. 
	I might be able to offer a pointer here and there.
CHAKOTAY: Fine then. Who's next?
SEVEN: I will go. (drops the ball on the floor. Out pops a larger ball.)
VOLTORB: Voltorb!
SEVEN: Fascinating. It appears to be a mechanical device. (reaches for the 
	Voltorb)
PARIS: No! Don't!
SEVEN: Why not?
PARIS: That's a Voltorb! They're known to self-destruct with little or no 
	provocation.
VOLTORB: Voltorb! Voltorb!
PARIS: No offense or anything.
VOLTORB: Voltorb.
SEVEN: (holds out her hand (the one with the creepy gray stuff) to the 
	Voltorb. It rolls into her hand.) I seem to have matters under 
	control.
CHAKOTAY: Next?
NEELIX: Okay. Here goes. (Drops the ball, one of Kaltia's,  on the floor. A 
	Five-foot, seven-inch dragonish thing pops out, dwarfing Neelix 
	completely.) Oh my!
PARIS: Look out! That's a Charizard! It breathes fire!
NEELIX: Well, maybe it likes to cook? Wanna go down to the kitchen, 
	Charizard?
CHARIZARD: Char!

(Neelix and Charizard leave for the kitchen. They meet Janeway at the door. 
She looks at the Charizard in terror, but says nothing.)

JANEWAY: (to Chakotay) What was that ugly thing?
CHAKOTAY: Neelix.
JANEWAY: No, the ugly thing behind him.
CHAKOTAY: A Charizard.
JANEWAY: Oh. (points to Seven.) And what is that.
CHAKOTAY: A shrink-wrapped Borg.
JANEWAY: No, the thing she's holding.
CHAKOTAY: A Voltorb.
JANEWAY: I see. And what was that thing Harry ran past with?
CHAKOTAY: We're not sure.
JANEWAY: And what was that little mouse that zapped me?
PARIS: A Pikachu.
JANEWAY: Okay. And what other surprises await?
CHAKOTAY: Torres, your turn.
TORRES: Do I have to?
CHAKOTAY and JANEWAY: Yes.
TORRES: Fine. (throws the ball, another Kaltia special, at the wall. A 
	little red fox-thing with six tails pops out.) What is this?
VULPIX: Vulpix!
PARIS: There's your answer.
TORRES: What does it do? (scoops it up off the floor.)
VULPIX: Vulpix! (Breathes fire in B'Elanna's face)
TORRES: Oh. (puts it down)
JANEWAY: Great. Two fire-breathers....
PARIS: Three.
JANEWAY: What?
PARIS: I just realized what Harry's got. It's a Growlithe. It breathes fire 
	too.
JANEWAY: Goody. Three fire-breathers and an electric-shocker and a whatever 
	Seven has.
SEVEN: It self-destructs.
PARIS: It also has electric attacks, but as long as Seven holds it with that 
	creepy gray hand, she'll never  know.
JANEWAY: Double goody. Well Tom, you may as well get yours out now.
PARIS: Okay. (drops the ball, belonging to Tashi, on the floor. A huge green 
	bug with big sword-hands appears)
PARIS: AHH!!! Scyther!!! CAPTAIN, CHAKOTAY, TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS!!! (he 
	takes off his shirt.)
CHAKOTAY: What?
JANEWAY: (shocked) I beg your pardon?
PARIS: SCYTHERS HATE RED!!!! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS!!!!

(Janeway and Chakotay remove their offending garments. All three toss their 
shirts into a corner and stand there in those ugly blue undershirts. The 
Scyther proceeds to rip their discarded clothing into shreds.)

CHAKOTAY: You know, I think Harry would look good in Command Red, don't you?
JANEWAY: (slaps him) Be nice!
PARIS: Your turn, Chakotay.
CHAKOTAY: (whining) Can't we just leave it in there?
PARIS and JANEWAY: NO!
CHAKOTAY: (pouting) Fine. (drops ball, which is Kaltia's. A huge rock snake 
	twenty-eight feet long circles around the room.)
JANEWAY: What... is... that?
PARIS: An Onix. Don't make it mad.
JANEWAY: I'm not messing with anything that huge.
TORRES: I think I'm suffering from third-degree burns over here. Good thing 
	I brought this. (Holds up the doc's mobile emitter. Punches a few 
	buttons and the doctor appears.)
DOCTOR: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
TORRES: I'm about to kill a couple of pan-dimensional hyper-intelligent 
	beings plus about seven of their pets, that's what.
PARIS: She's burned.
DOCTOR: Oh. Okay. (sees the Onix) WHAT IS THAT???
PARIS: An Onix.
DOCTOR: (begins scanning the Onix) Incredible. I've never seen anything 
	quite like this. (Takes out a   laser scalpel and tries to use it 
	on the Onix. It has no effect except to get the Onix really ticked
	off.)
ONIX: RROOOOAAAARRRRR!!!!! (the Onix dives through the wall and disappears 
	into the night)
JANEWAY: Great. Now you've done it.
PIKACHU:  PIKACHU!!!!! (Zaps the Doctor, shorting out his matrix.)
JANEWAY: Great. No more Doctor.
CHAKOTAY: He'd said his two lines anyway.
PARIS: Now what? If we don't get that Onix back, Kaltia and Tashi are gonna 
	kill us!
TORRES: If they don't, their pets will. What's the difference.

(Nobody notices Pikachu wandering down the hall.)
(Vulpix sleeps quietly in a chair)
(Seven and Voltorb seem to be bonding)
(Harry and Growlithe are playing frisbee in the living room with a Spice 
Girls CD they found under the table.)
(Charizard is in the kitchen helping Neelix make a fire under a huge kettle)
(Scyther has decimated the three shirts and is now peacefully sharpening its 
arms)
(They all sit around for a half an hour. It's relevant to the plot that they 
do.)

JANEWAY: I say we all go down to the kitchen and see what Neelix is cooking 
	up, then we go look for Onix.
CHAKOTAY: But they said not to leave the house.
JANEWAY: How are they gonna know? They won't be back for a week. How hard 
	could it be to find a   twenty-eight foot snake anyway?

(They wander down to the kitchen, B'Elanna carrying the chair Vulpix is 
sleeping on, Seven carrying Voltorb and the rest luring the Pokemon on with 
bits of food. As they enter the kitchen, Janeway sniffs the air)

JANEWAY: That actually smells good, Neelix! What's in it?
NEELIX: Something Harry's dog caught. I thought it looked like dinner, so I 
	tossed it in the pot.
JANEWAY: Now that's interesting. Where would Harry's  Growly-thing catch 
	something like... OH MY GOODNESS!!!
EVERYONE: WHAT?
JANEWAY: Has anyone seen the Pikachu?

(There is silence except for the huffing noises as Charizard builds the 
fire.)

NEELIX: I saw it wandering down the hall about twenty minutes ago.
JANEWAY: And when did Harry's dog bring you this dinner?
NEELIX: (thinking) Oh... about ten minutes ago. (he fails to make any 
	connections)
PARIS: (grabs a pair of tongs and fishes about in the stew.) Uh-oh. (Pulls 
	out a tail shaped vaguely like a lightning-bolt.)
TORRES: We are so dead!
CHAKOTAY: Nuh-uh. She is (points at Janeway). She's the one who was supposed 
	to be watching  Pikachu.
JANEWAY: I was not! It just happened to be the one I picked up! Besides, if 
	I'm dead, so are you. You lost Onix!
CHAKOTAY: At least I didn't eat Onix. And I only lost it because the Doctor 
	tried to dissect it!
TORRES: People, people, CALM DOWN!!!
PARIS: Yeah, really! Kaltia and Tashi have only been gone a couple of hours. 
	We've got time to find  Onix and find another Pikachu somewhere.
JANEWAY: So what are we going to have for dinner, then?
TORRES: Neelix made stew, didn't he?
JANEWAY: I am not eating the Pikachu.
TORRES: Well, Tom said we were going to get another one, so I'm going to try 
	the stew. Dish me out some, Neelix.
NEELIX: Coming right up! (Hands B'Elanna a bowlful. She tries it.)
TORRES: Hey! This is pretty good!

(They all sit for discussion while Torres and Neelix eat. Nobody else has 
the heart to eat the Pikachu, but Torres doesn't care and Neelix is too dumb 
to care.)

JANEWAY: By the way, where's Harry?
CHAKOTAY: (Peeks into the living room) He's asleep on the floor with that 
	Growlithe.
JANEWAY: Okay. Here's my vote. I say that Chakotay and I go look for Onix 
	and a new Pikachu while everyone else stays here and keeps a close 
	eye on the Pokemon they've got. Understood?
TORRES: (with mouth full) 'Kay.
PARIS: Okey dokey.
NEELIX: Sure!
SEVEN: Agreed.
HARRY: (snore)
CHAKOTAY: (whining) Do I have to?
JANEWAY: Yes. Now come on. (Drags Chakotay toward the hole Onix made in the 
	wall.)
KALTIA: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!

(Her tone of voice instills fear in the hearts of Janeway and Chakotay.)
PARIS, TORRES, NEELIX, and SEVEN: CAPTAIN GOT BUSTED!!!!!!

KALTIA: What's in that stew?

(Janeway has a "please don't tell her" look)

TORRES: Pikachu. Want some?
KALTIA: I'll pass. (to Janeway) What's the big idea with cooking my Pikachu?
JANEWAY: I didn't cook it! Neelix and Charizard did!
KALTIA: (to Neelix) Why did you cook my Pikachu?
NEELIX: I... I... didn't know what it was. The Growlithe brought it to me 
	all bloody and dead like, so I  cooked it.
KALTIA: Charizard! Did you know that was Pikachu?
CHARIZARD: (sounding pathetic) Char.
TASHI: Growlithe!
GROWLITHE: (comes bounding in) Grrrrrrrrrrowlithe!
TASHI: Growlithe! Did you kill Kaltia's Pikachu?
GROWLITHE: (sounding pathetic) Grrrowlithe.
TASHI: Mystery solved.
KALTIA: Darn! That's the third Pikachu this week!
JANEWAY: What?
KALTIA: Growlithe hates Pikachus. Every time it catches one unguarded, it 
	kills it.
TASHI: Where's Kaltia's Onix? That's the only other one I don't see.
CHAKOTAY: Umm... The Doctor sort of tried to dissect the Onix, and it sort 
	of... ran away.
KALTIA: Well, that certainly sounds like mistreatment of the Onix and 
	neglect of the Pikachu to me. And you, Torres. You look like you've
	had a run in with my Vulpix.
TORRES: You might say that.
VULPIX: Vulpix! (Jumps into Kaltia's arms.)
DISTANT NOISE: RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KALTIA: Ah, that would be Onix, coming home.

(Onix's giant stone head appears in the dining area, squishing the 
furniture. Kaltia pats it on the nose.)

KALTIA: Onix! What did I tell you about coming in the dining room!!!
ONIX: Rrrrroooarrr.
KALTIA: Fine. Just don't do it again. (to Janeway) Well, Captain. I guess 
	you know what this means.
JANEWAY: You two are moving in?
KALTIA: No. Since Neelix and Charizard, Paris and Scyther, Harry and 
	Growlithe, and Seven and Voltorb seemed to do just fine, we'll go 
	easy on you. You can go back to Voyager.
JANEWAY: What's our punishment?
KALTIA: (evilly) You'll see.

(SCENE: Voyager's bridge. All senior officers reappear exactly where they 
were when they left, Janeway standing in front of the captain's chair.)

JANEWAY: (flops down in chair) Whatever it is, I don't want to know.
NOISE FROM CHAIR:  PIKACHU!!!!! (Janeway gets another couple thousand volts 
	and goes flying)
CHAKOTAY: What the...?
PIKACHU IN CHAIR: Pikachu!
PIKACHU ON TACTICAL CONSOLE: Pikachu!
PIKACHU ON OPS CONSOLE: Pikachu!
PIKACHU AT THE HELM: Pikachu!!
PIKACHU AT ENGINEERING STATION: Pikachu!
PIKACHU IN CHAKOTAY'S CHAIR: Pikachu!!
PIKACHU ON SEVEN'S HEAD: Pikachu!!!
JANEWAY: Oh, for the love of Al Gore!!!
KALTIA: SURPRISE!!! I'm living with you! Tashi doesn't like you, but I find 
	you amusing enough.
JANEWAY: Oh, for the love of Al Gore!!!

(Later, at approximately 0300 Kaltia's voice comes over the loudspeaker.)

KALTIA: Now, I subject you to three continuous hours of Spice Girl Music!!!
JANEWAY: AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(EXTERIOR SHOT: Voyager flies away in the general direction of the Alpha 
quadrant. We hear an echo in space....)

PIKACHU!!!!!!
JANEWAY: MY HAIR!!!!!

THE END

Did you really think I was going to subject you to an entire week! What 
Kaltia and Tashi forgot to mention is that a week on the planet they were 
touring was equivalent to about two Earth hours. Hopefully, it didn't take 
you two hours to read this (I'm a relatively fast reader and it takes me 
about four minutes to read it). If it did, I am truly sorry.

HEY!! If you liked this story, or even if you didn't, you should definitely 
read my other two stories, "The Cave of Horrors" and "The Other Side of the 
Voyager Crew". And disregard the e-mail address on those two. It's my dad's 
and he doesn't know an Eevee from an Electabuzz (aren't little brothers 
great?..... *vomiting sounds* .... kind of like the five day flu, eh?).

Further adding to a story that is already long enough, I will always answer 
back e-mails and I'm willing to e-mail back and forth with just about anyone 
(especially if you're an at least somewhat attractive male in the 17-19 age 
range with brown eyes! If you look anything like Chakotay and should happen 
to be in the age range I mentioned, do not hesitate to e-mail. If you're 
younger than me - and I'll be 17 in less than a month from when I'm writing 
this - forget it. Unless you just wanna be e-mail pals, then I'll let your 
chronological deficiency pass). Oh, yeah. And I live in a tiny, backwater 
hicktown in Oregon, so you people from Texas and Florida and England and 
other more civilized areas of the world don't get any bright ideas.

I'll shut up now.