TITLE: Pokemon Stadium Voyager
AUTHOR: Meagan Weich (easily contactable -is that a word? it is now!- at 
rianala@hotmail.com)
NOTE: If you haven't read "Pikachu Stew" (by the same fine author as this 
tale), go back and read it so you know what's going on 'cuz I'm not gonna 
explain it to you. And while you're at it, read "The    Cave of Horrors" and 
"The Other Side of the Voyager Crew", also on this fine site. (I'm such a 
suck-up!)

SPECIAL THANKS: To my siblings Allison and Quinn Weich for the contribution 
of some Pokemon cards and about ten minutes of their precious time. And they 
tossed out some demented inspiration here and there as well.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Voyager. I don't own Pokemon. I'm not getting 
anything but sore fingers for this. Don't sue me.

Wow. That was the shortest disclaimer I've ever done.

NOTE 2: The outcomes of all the Pokemon battles in this story are based on 
the Pokemon card game. So anyone unfortunate enough to be familiar with that 
will know why _______ didn't win. (Like I'd     tell you who was going to win 
in advance! When you find out who lost in the final round, fill in the blank 
yourself.)

SINCERE APOLOGIES: Are in order for fans of... well, any of the characters. 
But especially Jeri Ryan and Ethan Phillips (who inhabit about the last two 
spots on my favorites list), who are treated a bit unkindly toward the end. 
It's all in good fun. If you don't like it, go buy a brain (or a sense of 
humor).

CAST OF CHARACTERS (And the Pokemon they'll be using)
Captain Kathryn Janeway..........Growlithe (The dog thing. Get it?)
Commander Chakotay.......... Primeape (The boxing thing. Get it?)
Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok.......... Onix (Boring as a rock. Get it?)
Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres..........Gyarados (Big time scary... HA HA HA!!!)
Ensign (demotion spice!) Tom Paris.......... Vileplume (a stinky plant 
thing)
Ensign Harry Kim..........Weedle (A Hairy Bug Pokemon. Look it up if you 
don't believe me)
Seven of Nine........... Jynx (Look at a Jynx and make the connection. 
That's all I'm gonna say.)
Neelix..........Pikachu (Because of that stew thing.... I thought I'd 
reunite them)
The Doctor........... Chansey ('Cuz them Chanseys hang out with the doctors 
all the time!)

Also returning from the last story is Kaltia, played by me, who will be 
serving as the referee.
That is all.

BACK STORY: Kaltia, forever a bad influence on the crew, has turned them all 
into Pokemon trainers... some better than others. We join the crew now at 
the holodeck site of Voyager's first Pokemon tournament.... prepare for a 
shock.

KALTIA: Okay guys! You know the drill! One Pokemon apiece. I'll call  the 
matches, you battle. The winners of the first four matches will face one of 
the other winners. The winners of those two     matches will face each other to 
decide the ultimate victory. Any questions?
PARIS: Yeah. There's nine of us. How does that translate into four initial 
matches?
KALTIA: Like, duh! One lucky match will be a three-way battle. Any other 
moronic sentiments before we start?
NEELIX: We're having Caterpie larvae and roast Pidgey for dinner in the mess 
hall. All are welcome.
(General sounds of disgust from the crew.)
KALTIA: We'll pass. Okay, first match people! Janeway and Growlithe against 
Torres and Gyarados. On the field, people! Let's move!

(Janeway and Torres take their places on opposite side of the field which 
has a neat Pokeball design just like the ones on the show and the Nintendo 
64 commercials. And just out of curiousity, why the number 64 in particular? 
Couldn't they have used 47 or something?)

TORRES: I'm gonna cream you!
JANEWAY: No you're not. The Pokemon are doing the battling here.
TORRES: Oh, yeah. Fine. (clears throat) My Pokemon is gonna cream your 
Pokemon!
JANEWAY: Not likely!
PARIS: Chick fight! Chick fight!
JANEWAY: Not likely!
TORRES: (muttering) Yeah, because she knows she'd get creamed.
KALTIA: Can we start this thing now? Are you done?
JANEWAY: Yeah, sure. Let's get on with this madness.
TORRES: You're just grouchy because you know I'm going to win!
KALTIA: Shut up, B'Elanna! Start the match now!
TORRES: Okay, fine. (dramatic shot - Pokemon style red cartoon background) 
Gyarados! Go!
JANEWAY: (another dramatic shot - blue background) Growlithe! Go!
TORRES: Growlithe? That's all you've got? You insult me!
JANEWAY: Let's just get this over with.

(Gyarados and Growlithe face off to battle. Just in case any of you have 
never seen one, a Gyarados is a huge thing that looks like an unholy cross 
between a fish and a dragon. Growlithe, on the other hand, resembles nothing 
more than a dog with tiger stripes. You can see why Torres is laughing.)

TORRES: (laughing) Gyarados! Dragon Rage!

(The Gyarados launches a massive attack on the Growlithe. Because it's such 
a pansy - and because of it's weakness to water types - Growlithe faints 
immediately.)

TORRES: Yeah! I win! I win! Aren't you proud of me Tommy!?
PARIS: Until such time as I am forced to utterly humble your Pokemon with 
mine, yes.
TORRES: (sarcastically) Thanks.
JANEWAY: Can I leave now?
KALTIA: So obviously, the match goes to Torres. And Janeway, you are hereby 
demoted to spectator. Sit over there. (Kaltia indicates a row of chairs 
underneath a sign that reads "Loser's Lounge".)
JANEWAY: (muttering as she goes to sit) This is *so* stupid.
KALTIA: Okay, next match... (checks clipboard) Chakotay and Primeape against 
Tuvok and Onix.
TUVOK: I must thank you for loaning me your Onix, Kaltia.
KALTIA: Don't bother. You're doomed to failure.
TUVOK: How encouraging.
PARIS: Howcome you gave Chakotay a Pokemon that was so clearly better?
KALTIA: 'Cuz he's cute. I'll admit Tuvok's not exactly hard on the eyes, but 
still Chakotay has my vote for ship's babe.
PARIS: So where do I rate?
KALTIA: Above Harry.
KIM: Hey! That's not nice! I was one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful 
People!
KALTIA: I'm sorry. You're dumb.
PARIS: Hmm... The wrong twin, a Borg, a hologram, and a dead woman. Need I 
go on?
KALTIA: What has that got to do with it?
PARIS: I'm supposed to say that every other episode, aren't I?
KALTIA: No. (clears throat) Let the match begin!
CHAKOTAY: Fine. (dramatic shot - green background) Go, Primeape!
TUVOK: (boring shot - this is Tuvok we're talking about, here!) Onix. 
Proceed.

(Onix and Primeape face off. Primeape does some mean punching maneuvers - a 
move called Tantrum if you're familiar with it. Onix roars and tosses a rock 
at it. Primeape, sadly, has become confused. It wanders over to the Loser's 
Lounge and pounds Janeway into unconsciousness before finally straightening 
itself out and pounding the Onix which gives a pitiful roar and faints dead 
away.)

KALTIA: The match goes to Chakotay and Primeape... like there was ever any 
doubt.
TUVOK: I must protest your unfair distribution of Pokemon according to 
physical attractiveness.
KALTIA: Stuff it, Vulcan. It's the Loser's Lounge for you.
TORRES: So where do us winners go while we wait. I've just been standing 
here and standing here!
KALTIA: (points to another row of chairs labeled "Champion's Chairs") Over 
there.

(Torres and Chakotay step over to the Champion's Chairs while Tuvok meanders 
over to the Loser's Lounge and attempts to revive Janeway, who has 
definitely seen better days.)

KALTIA: Next match! Neelix and Pikachu vs. Kim and ... Weedle? Oh boy. This 
is going to be fun!
NEELIX: So do I actually have a chance?
KALTIA: Only because Harry insisted on a Weedle. I was going to give him 
something that could totally creamify your little yellow stewing mouse, but 
he refused. So get on with it already.
KIM: Goody! I'm gonna win!
KALTIA: You poor deluded soul.
KIM: (ignoring her) Go, Weedle! (dramatic shot with fuzzy pink hearts in the 
background because Kim is a pansy)
NEELIX: Go Pikachu! (dramatic shot with a cartoon hamburger stand 
background. Cartoon food is probably better than anything Neelix ever came 
out with.)

(Pikachu and Weedle face off. Weedle uses a Poison Sting. Pikachu zaps it. 
Noticeably weakened, the Weedle makes another feeble stab and hits the leg 
of a redshirt that had wandered through the field. The redshirt howls in 
pain and proceeds to die a slow and agonizing death as the poison shuts down 
his major bodily systems one by one. Pikachu zaps the Weedle again and it 
collapses in a faint.)

KIM: (crying) My Weedle! You killed it! (sob!)
NEELIX: It's only fainted little boy. (Neelix parades to the Champion's 
Chairs like a runway model, wagging his fat behind as he goes. The Pikachu 
follows at a distance with an expression that says "I don't know this man".)
KIM: (still bawling, picks up the Weedle and moves to the Loser's Lounge.) 
Mommy! He killed my Weedle! (sees Janeway, still unconscious) Mommy! What 
happened to my mommy?! (begins  bawling all over again)
KALTIA: So obviously, the match goes to Neelix and Pikachu. By the way, 
Pikachu, would you take care of that whiny boy over there?
PIKACHU: (cheerfully) Pika! (zaps Harry. Harry falls to the floor.)
KALTIA: Thanks, pal. Okay, this is the three way match coming up here. It's 
Paris and Vileplume, Seven and Jynx, and the Doctor and Chansey in an 
all-out match. Let's get moving!
SEVEN: Must we do this? I do not approve of excessive violence.
KALTIA: What's wrong with you?
SEVEN: As a drone,... (blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not completely 
insensitive, but it gets old after a while.)
KALTIA: Whatever you just said, I wasn't listening. Get out there.
PARIS: I'm gonna win! I am the Pokemon Master!
DOCTOR: When I'm through with you, I'll have to declare a medical emergency!
PARIS: Hello? This is a *Pokemon* battle!
KALTIA: But if you two want to have it out later, I want front row seats. 
Now go!
PARIS: Go Vileplume! (Dramatic shot - green background with starships.)
DOCTOR: Chansey, go! (black background with little hyposprays floating 
about)
SEVEN: Jynx. Begin.

(All three Pokemon take to the field. Suddenly there is an unauthorized 
beamout and all three Pokemon vanish. They have a long and harrowing journey 
back to Voyager which I'm sure is very exciting, but I don't feel like 
writing about it. Anyway, when they get back, everyone is snoozing. They 
have their little battle anyway which nobody sees. After Vileplume emerges 
victorious, it wakes up Tom, who rattles the rafters (bulkheads?) with his 
cries of victory and wakes up everyone else as well.)

KALTIA: (yawning) Okay. So Vileplume won. Tom, Champion's Chairs. Seven and 
Doctor, Loserville.

(Seven and The Doctor walk sleepily to the loser chairs. Paris struts to the 
winner chairs where he high-fives Torres. Chakotay glares at him -must have 
our old rivalry, mustn't we?- and Neelix hugs him. Paris pries him off.)

KALTIA: Okay. So B'Elanna, Chakotay, Neelix, and Tom have all made it to the 
next round. (yawns again) Now B'Elanna and Chakotay can fight each other. 
And the rest of you losers can watch.
TORRES: All right! Time to kick some Indian Outlaw!
CHAKOTAY: I like my Klingon sauteed.
PARIS: Hey! That's *my* Klingon!
CHAKOTAY: I saw her first. I met her long before you did.
PARIS: So?
TORRES: Shut up! Let's do this battle thing, okay!
KALTIA: I knew there was a reason I liked you. Anyway, Gyarados battles 
Primeape. Let's get moving!
TORRES: (dramatic shot - red background with bat'leths) Gyarados! Go!
CHAKOTAY: (dramatic shot - brown background with a bunch of boxing gloves... 
I'll have to admit I    could have done without seeing Chakotay in a purple 
tank top in "The Fight". He is the ship's       babe, but there's only so much a 
person can take) Primeape! Go!

(Gyarados and Primape take to the field. Primeape takes an intimidating 
looking stance. At least, it looks intimidating until Gyarados rears up to 
it's full 21' 4'' height. The Primeape shrinks back in terror. It makes a 
sound like the squeal of a frightened monkey just before it goes completely 
ballistic. It misses the Gyarados entirely, but does manage to beat to death 
the 14 nameless ensign redshirt type people that had meandered in to 
spectate. Gyarados stops the creature's murderous rampage with a Hyper Beam 
attack. The Primeape falls to the ground with a pathetic sounding thud.)

TORRES: Yeah! Roast Commander for dinner tonight!
CHAKOTAY: That was unfair! The Primeape is retarded!
KALTIA: A good match for you, is it not?
CHAKOTAY: I thought you said I was cute!
KALTIA: And so you are, but you have the intellect of Neelix's big toe. And 
I most definitely do *not* recommend you for ship's counsellor. I saw what 
you said to Torres at the end of "Faces". That was pathetic!
CHAKOTAY: (whining Kim style) That's not nice!
KALTIA: So?

(Meanwhile, Torres has done her victory strut over to the Champion's Chairs 
where she is now involved in a serious high-five session with Paris and 
Neelix. Chakotay, defeated, wanders over to the Loser's Lounge, where he is 
instantly distressed...)

CHAKOTAY: KATHRYN!!! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU!!!???
TUVOK: (rolls his eyes in a most un-Vulcan fashion and begins meditating for 
patience)
KALTIA: Okay, next match! We don't want this story to be any longer than it 
has to be. Neelix and Pikachu against Paris and Vileplume! Let's go!
PARIS: All right Neelix. Gee, I feel really bad about clobbering you now 
that we've just finally become friends and all. (shrugs) Oh, well. (dramatic 
shot - green background with starships... again)        Vileplume, Go!
NEELIX: That's okay. This is Starfleet and we all love our fellow 
crewmembers.
(Torres thinks about Seven of Nine and snorts)
NEELIX: (dramatic shot - orange background with little cartoon ice cream 
cones, hamburgers, sodas, and the like.) Pikachu, go!

(Vileplume and Pikachu take the field. Pikachu charges up some massive 
voltage and tosses it at Vileplume, who seems not to notice. So like it's 
trainer, the Vileplume just sits there and preens it's petals. Pikachu takes 
another shot with the same result. It would seem that the match has come to 
a bit of a standstill. Neelix goes into a complete panic and faints and 
falls backward onto the Pikachu, squishing it with his pudgy posterior. The 
Pikachu faints... wouldn't you? It would appear that the Vileplume has won 
the match without even so much as lifting a petal.)

KALTIA: Okay, Paris wins! Drag the fatso's carcass off the field, will you!

(Two Machoke walk over from nowhere and move toward Neelix. Even though 
their bodies are made of pure muscle, they are unable to move his fat form. 
They call for two more Machoke. Even with the enlisted help, they are unable 
to move Neelix. Deciding to call in the big guns, they bring out two 
Machamp. The six of them managed to move Neelix a full inch and a half 
before collapsing to the ground in sheer exhaustion. Without warning, a lone 
Abra walks onto the field and calmly teleports Neelix to the Loser's Lounge. 
Neelix materializes on top of the unconscious Janeway, sending Chakotay into 
fits of proufound distress that should make the J/Cers happy for the 
duration of the story. The Abra shrugs with a look that clearly says 
"Nobody's perfect" and teleports off the field.)

KALTIA: (irritated) Why didn't I think of that? I could have even done that 
myself with my telekinetic powers and all. That's what I get for living with 
a bunch of lame-brained losers like you guys, eh?
CHAKOTAY: (still mad from earlier) Get on with it, will you!?
KALTIA: Fine, fine. Since we only have two people left in the Champion's 
Chairs, that's Paris and Torres for those of you who are stupid (looks 
pointedly at Chakotay, Harry and Neelix), naturally they'll be the ones 
battling each other.

(Meanwhile in the Loser's Lounge.....)
KIM: (to Neelix) Can I jump up and down on your belly?
NEELIX: (snore)
KIM: Cool! (starts bouncing on Neelix's belly like a giant trampoline)

(Back in the real world....)
KALTIA: Okay, Gyarados against Vileplume. This will be the final battle. The 
winner gets to design Seven's next sausage casing... uh, I mean, outfit, and 
the loser has to clean up the mess. Ready, go!
TORRES: (dramatic shot - blue background with warp cores floating around) 
Gyarados! Go!
PARIS: (dramatic shot - background of 20th century L.A. with a bunch of 
traffic... cartoonized, of course) Vileplume, go!

(x6 hl90h........   ]ppppppppp;'////////////////\/\\\\\\\\\\)
(This contibution to the story by May, the world's smartest pet rat who 
walked across the keyboard and strategically made a bunch of Ps and slash 
marks. And whatever "x6 hl90h........   ]" means.)

(Vileplume and Gyarados take to the field. Gyarados expects an easy victory, 
but what it doesn't know is that it is weak against plant types. Gyarados 
tries every water attack in it's repertoire with seemingly no effect other 
than to flood the entire holodeck. Neelix can't swim, but floats on his own 
blubber-power. Tuvok does the Baywatch lifeguard thing with the unconscious 
Janeway, whilst Chakotay, who can barely swim, swims along side keeping up a 
loud protest. Torres, ever the avid swimmer, is swimming circles around 
everyone. The holographic doctor has just shorted out. Harry is drowning 
(yea!). Seven is also drowning, since her many non-biodegradable body parts 
have caused her to sink like a rock. Paris is sitting Buddha-style on top of 
his Vileplume, which is bobbing like a cork in the rising waters.... wasn't 
that poetic of me? Tiring of this water-sport, Vileplume calmly absorbs all 
of the water in the holodeck, then uses it's Petal Dance attack on the 
Gyarados, who quickly discovers it's own weakness to leaf types when it 
faints dead away. Torres is in shock. Chakotay has dragged Janeway to the 
corner and is defending her viciously. Tuvok is trying to persuade Chakotay 
to release the hostage. Neelix is still snoring. Harry coughs up water for a 
few minutes, then giddily resumes jumping on Neelix's belly. Seven makes her 
traditional "I am damaged" remark before getting up and going about her 
business as usual. Anyone else is not important at this point.)

TORRES: I lost! I can't believe I lost!
PARIS: That's what I was talking about when I said that about utterly 
humbling your Pokemon with mine, remember? I knew about your plant weakness 
all along.
TORRES: Pig!
DOCTOR: (suddenly coming back online) Please state the nature of the medical 
emergency.
CHAKOTAY: (screaming frantically) KATHRYN!!! KATHRYN!!!!
DOCTOR: I get the point. (goes to work on putting the beaten and drowned 
Janeway back together.)
TORRES: (still hollering at Paris) I can't believe I kissed you! Ick! (grabs 
Chakotay) C'mon, Chuckles! Let's get out of here!
CHAKOTAY: But what about Kathryn?
TORRES: You can quit embarrassing yourself now. We gave our little nod to 
the J/Cers already.
CHAKOTAY: (immedieately quits) Oh. Okay. I'd better be getting paid a lot 
for that.
TORRES: Tell me about it, Rob. When can I get out of this makeup? Anybody 
know?
KALTIA: Ixnay on the Obray! We're not finished here yet.
TORRES: Oh. Sorry. What's left?
KALTIA: Um.... Oh, I know! (clears throat) And so I now declare Tom Paris 
and Vileplume to be the ultimate winners of the tournament. (switches to TV 
announcer mode) So tune in next week when Seven and Torres finally have that 
catfight we've all been looking forward to.

(everyone leaves the holodeck)

(In the corridor....)

ROXANN: I'm glad that's over. (starts clawing at face makeup) Get these 
ridges off of me!
ROBERT B.: (wipes off tattoo with one hand) I'm lucky my makeup didn't run 
in all that water! And all of this whining about Kate! That's just really 
irritating.
KATE: You're telling me? I think you about deafened me.
TIM: Remove the ears! Remove the ears! Ick! Sticky makeup!
ROBERT M.: I'm lucky. I don't have to wear any makeup. I just get to use my 
own natural good looks.
GARRET: Hey! *I* am one of the 50 most beautiful people, here!
ROBERT P. : We know, we know! As if we haven't already heard that 50 
bazillion times!
ETHAN: Get these spots off of me! And these whiskers! And this mohawk! (to 
Roxann) You think your makeup's a pain!
JERI: Can't... breathe... Must.... escape.... spandex.... fortress..... 
(gasp!) (unzips catsuit and a big sigh of       relief is heard) Much better. I 
can't believe I wear this sausage casing! Who talked me into this 
shrink-wrap business, anyway?
ROXANN: Do the words "14 - 24 male demographic group" mean anything to you, 
Jeri?
JERI: (blondly) No. Not really.
KATE: (grinning behind Jeri's back at Roxann) Duh!
MEAGAN: Um... you guys do know that the story's not over yet, don't you?
ALL: No.
KATE: Tough. I'm going home. Who's with me?
THE ROBERTS: Me!
ROXANN: Me!
JERI: Duh!
ETHAN: Okay!
TIM: Let's go!
GARRET: Okey dokey!
KATE: Good. We'll have a party at my place.

(They begin to walk off)

ROXANN: Are you coming, Meagan?
MEAGAN: That depends. Do I get Robert reserved for the party?
ROXANN: Which one?
MEAGAN: Um.... Beltran.
ROXANN: Sure. I don't care. Let's go. (Roxann turns to go and trips over 
Jeri's discarded catsuit) Though I have this feeling that there may be some 
competition.
MEAGAN: (nods agreement) We'd better get moving.

THE END