If anyone who reads this knows what Areba la rasa means,
please email me at mysteriojr7@excite.com.
This is the fifth in series of unknown proportion by Matt
Troyer and the sixth book about Star Trek: Continental.
All the Star Trek characters are property of Paramount
except the Continental crew. I don't want to get sued, so
there is no enfringement intended on this or my previous
stories. Anything that has to with Taco Bell is probably
the property of Taco Bell. I like and support Taco Bell
every chance I get, which is why I have created the Vulcan
Ambassador to Taco Bell.
S: Stupidity.
N: Unnecessary reading.
A: Adolescent stupidity.
V: Unrealistic portrayal of women {and men}
L: Language barriers.
T: Time travel.
P: Explicit use of pies. {not very common}
Y: Explicit use of yams. {more common than you would think}
G: Stupid guest stars.
This parady contains: {N,A,A,V,L}
Captain: Adam Brinkman, Brinkman1, captain on paper only
First Officer: Gama, Vulcan
Head Engineer: Matt Troyer, power behind the throne,
everyone likes him better than Brinkman1
Ops: Joseph Amano
Security: Ario Bridges, Heran, genetically engineered
humans from some book I read
Doctor: Lauren Gardner
Just is there: Drew Kamler
Security guard: Carrie Brooks, a supermodel
Helm: Elizabeth Waltner/Andrew Brinkman{Brinkman2} switch
on an off because one is always in trouble,
Waltner used to be a janitor
Raeshaun: 117 1/5 year old man with a passion for sleeping,
was abandoned by a man who delcared war on Klingon
Empire
Dustin Cullen: in last story went insane and melted and
crawled in ship's vent
Gunther: popular chipmunk pet of Cullen, also ran in vent
On the Continental
Troyer: Why is the name of out starship Continental?
We're a starship, not a car. We travel through
space, not across continents.
Gama: A very good point.
Troyer: Of course it is. I don't know what why I let that
geek Adam name the ship Continental in the first
place. Utah is a much better name.
Gama: Of course.
Troyer: But to prove I'm not that bad of a person, I'll
call a compromise.
Gama: You are very generous.
Troyer: We can either call the ship Utah or Enterprise.
Bridges: That name has already been taken.
Troyer: Good point. It has to be Utah or...{in walks
Raeshaun}
Raeshaun: {yawns}
Troyer: ...Raeshaun!
Raeshaun: Ahh, I didn't do it!
Troyer: Of course you didn't. Gama, you have the bridge
while I go talk with the Captain.
Gama: Very gracious, Commander. {Troyer leaves}
Amano: {whispers to Kamler} You don't see Vulcans sucking
up to people very often.
Gama: You would be surprised at what Vulcans do when not
around humans.
The Captain's Ready Room
Brinkman1:You realize that I am going to name the ship the
Raeshaun, don't you?
Troyer: You realize you have no real power, don't you?
Brinkman1:Just because you're smarter, better looking, more
athletic, more popular and stronger than me
doesn't mean you're better than me.
Troyer: {stares}
Brinkman1:That didn't make much sense did it?
Troyer: None. I'll let you make the announcement. Have a
nice day.
Brinkman1:Oh I will.
Over the Intercom
Brinkman1:Good morning crewmembers. I would like to
announce a change. Our ships' name is no longer
the Continental. Our name is now Raeshaun.
Please make the according adjusments. {Brinkman1
finally snaps} What am I saying? I'm the Captain,
I'm supposed to dictate policy, not some stupid
engineer. I've made to many compromises already,
too many retreats. He invades our space, and I
fall back, he makes the crew like him, I fall
back. Not again. The line must be drawn here!
This far, no farther-and I will make him pay for
what he's done. Who will join me in my conquest
of regaining the ship? {complete and utter
silence}
Kamler: I will.
Brinkman1:Good. Anyone else? {still over intercom}
Amano: Aw, heck, I love a good massacre. I will too.
Gardner: I will, just so I can get some lines.
Brinkman1:Sounds fair. Anyone else.
Ensign Potato: I will.
Ensign Cement: I will.
Turbo Turkey: I will.
Brinkman1:Troyer and all his followers, prepare to meet your
doom!!! Oh, and I completely revoke Taco Bells
rights on this ship.
Gama: Fascinating.
Bridges: Groovy.
Brooks: Captain, I can't believe I kissed you. I like
Troyer now.
Brinkman1:Wait-
Brooks: I'm a supermodel, I deserve better. {in walks,
Gardner, Potato, Cement, and Turbo Turkey}
Brinkman1:We all are now here, and control the bridge. Mr.
Kamler, please lock Bridges, Gama and Brooks in my
ready room so they cannot affect the outcome.
Troyer: Troyer to Brinkman. You think just because most
of the crew is off the ship except for the senior
officers and a couple of nameless ensigns that you
can control me? I am not going down, and you will
not spread your propaganda about me. You may have
locked up the crew that like me better, but they
won't be there for long. And I'm not alone.
Brinkman1:Of course you're alone. There isn't anyone else
on the ship.
Brinkman2:Hello, brother.
Brinkman1:But-but, you're dead. I killed you myself.
Waltner: Hi.
Brinkman1:Oooh, you have the janitor and a dead guy! I'm
real scared.
Troyer: Prepare to watch my leadership skills in action.
I can win with anything.
Raeshaun: Hey, what about me?
Troyer: Alright, I have Raeshaun too. {bridge crew laughs}
Fools, I'll destroy you all!!!
Gama: {voice is muffle because he is locked in room}
Captain, resistance is futile. Your actions are
illogical.
Brinkman1:Right. Drew, go kill Troyer, and we will have
won.
Kamler: Don't you ever get tired of this? Can't you see
I'm not going to kill him and your not going to
win? The guy that is writing this has the same
name as Matt Troyer and there is no way we can win
because he has to make Troyer look as cool as
possible.
Brinkman1:Maybe he isn't watching. Go do it.
Kamler: {as he leaves} It doesn't matter if he's watching
or not. He's making this up as it happens. There
is no way he is going to kill himself.
Brinkman1:Fine, I'll let you take Ensign Cement with you.
He should provide you with some SOLID
{groan} support, if you will pardon my pun. Take
potato, too. He can maybe COOK up some action.
{groan}
Kamler: I just hope you realize that we can't win.
In a Hallway
Kamler: {slips and falls in an antimatter puddle}
Whoooooaaaaa!
Waltner: And you were mocking the janitor. This entire
place is a mess, because I won't clean it. {as
she runs away} Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Another Hallway
Kamler: {as he walks in, all the light bulbs burn out}
Doh! Janitor, come fix this!
Waltner: Fool, don't you pay attention? I'm making your
life miserable.
Cement: {fires phaser, but all he does is start an
uncontrollable fire}
Troyer: Hi Drew. The fire suppresion systems are offline.
Better make a run for it. {Cement, Potato and
Kamler run but in the darkness not illuminated
they trip over Raeshaun, who is sleeping}
Raeshaun: {wakes up} You cannot win!
Troyer/Waltner/Raeshaun: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
In Engineering
Kamler: {whispers} Watch out for antimatter puddles. {Ensign
Potato sees a light and wanders off}
Brinkman2:Psst, Potato over here.
Potato: Okay.
Brinkman2:I've got a really important job for you. One that
will have effects throughout the galaxy.
Potato: {nods head and listens in rapt attention}
Brinkman2:Stand in this circle, find a corner and mark it.
Potato: Alright. {he goes and tries to do it}
Kamler: Potato, where'd you go? {no answer} Drat, they got
Potato, stay close to me Cement.
Cement: Right sir. {in runs Gardner}
Gardner: I wanted some lines, so the Captain said to come
down here.
Kamler: Okay.
Troyer: We're here! Phaser fight! {a great big phaser
fight breaks out, Troyer and his allies against
Drew and his friends}
Troyer: {Brinkman2 falls to the ground, stunned} Oh my
gob, you killed Andrew! {Gardner is stunned and
Ensign Cement elbow drops Kamler} Good job
Ensign. You took you're bloomin time, though.
They killed Andrew.
Cement: He gets killed every parody. He'll be back next
time.
Troyer: Okay. The leadership will not forget our fallen
and non fallen comrades. You all will be repaid
with promtions or something more exciting, in
Brooks case. Let's go conquer the bridge.
{Troyer, Waltner, Raeshaun, and Cement beam themselves
to the bridge}
On the Bridge
Those four beam in.
Brinkman1:Hey, how'd you get in here? {they stun everyone
except the Captain}
Troyer: Oh, about an hour ago I made an official complaint
to your removing of Taco Bell. Seeing as I am the
Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell, I have a right to
tacos. You can check your log. In the meantime,
I captured you bridge. Your brother is dead, just
so you know.
Brinkman1:Again?
Troyer: Yep. {Waltner lets out Gama, Brooks, and Bridges}
Brinkman1:Why'd you betray me, Ensign Cement?
Cement: Troyer is just cooler than you are. And I hoped
by hanging out with him, some of his studliness
would rub and I could get more babes.
Troyer: Don't worry, Cement. I'll make sure you do.
Brinkman1:So are we all friends again?
Troyer: Sure. Group hug! {everyone hugs}
Brooks: Whoever is grabbing me, please step away. {all the
men step away}
Brooks: Excuse me, the Ambassador and I have some business
to attend to. {they leave}
Troyer: {winks at Brinkman}
Brinkman1:Whatever happened to Dusty and his chipmunk?
Waltner: Didn't you kill them?
Bridges: They both escaped, remember?
Gama: That is correct. The man turned into and puddle
and escaped into the ventilation system, and the
chipmunk escaped our murderous grasp into the
ventilation also.
Raeshaun: That was a really poorly written sentence, you
know that.
Gama: I apologize for our creators errors. As few and
as far between they are, they are still there.
Raeshaun: That wasn't that great of a sentence either.
Gama: Please, shut your mouth. {an ominous vapor appears
in the room}
Vapor: You cannot get away from me. Resistance is
futile.
Waltner: Oh no, it's Dusty, and he's returned!
Brinkman1:{pulls out a vacuum cleaner} This is not just any
vacuum cleaner. It's the Vacuum Coupe de Monde,
able to clean up that pesky space dust in the
vacuum in your local solar system. {turns on
vacuum and Dustin goes in}
Everyone: Yaaaaaaaaa! {Dustin comes back out} Awwwwwwwww.
Dustin/Vapor:You cannot get rid of me. I hid in your very
hot warp core until I was vaporized. Just so you
know, Matt Troyer will not be able to save you,
the Ambassador is a little preoccupied with a
supermodel.
Cement: {walks over to climate control, and turns
temperature nob down to 32 degrees F.}
Bridges: It's getting a little cold in here.
Raeshaun: This is real livin weather. Why when I was a boy-
{falls asleep}
Waltner: Hold me Captain, I need to snuggle with a muscle
man like yourself.
Brinkman1:The duties of being a Captain. Having to hold a
pretty lady. Rough.
Amano: The mist, it's leaving, it's turning into ice!
Dustin: No, I'm turning into an icecube. Stop it,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! {turns into an ice cube}
Cement: {turns temperature back up}
Waltner: I better leave now.
Brinkman1:Aw man. I know of a really cold holodeck
program, Ensign Waltner.
Waltner: That's okay.
Brinkman1:Brilliant strategy, Mr. Cement.
Troyer: {walks on to bridge with Brooks} I agree. I
would like to introduce our new captain, Captain
Cement! {everyone claps except ex-Captain
Brinkman} Adam Brinkman, for ninety days, you
will be demoted to the rank of Apple Peeler,
Second Class. I hop you will use this time wisely
and think about all the problems you caused. Go
to your room, and no visitors, especially women,
are allowed. {Brinkman1 leaves, pouting}
Congratulations on your new rank, Captain Cement.
This parody has a moral. Sometimes unimportant ensigns
don't die, sometimes they survive and suceed. Ensign Potato
did find an edge of the circle, and also became Captain of a
starship and received inter universal acclaim. Kamler,
Gardner, and Brinkman2 all survived their deaths and
continue to be important members of the crew. Gardner is
still complaining that she can't get any lines. Ex Captain
Brinkman is still serving his time as a apple scraper.
Raeshaun is still sleeping. Gama is still a Vulcan and is
boring. The Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell, Matt Troyer,
made a key deal with the Borg allowing Taco Bells on the
Borg ship. The key to the entire ordeal was Troyer revealed
he was the Collective, and many of the mysteries of the Borg
were answered by that knowledge. Him and Brooks still get
along very very well. Bridges and Amano still aren't that
important. Nobody has been able to catch Gunther the
Chipmunk even though there have been several sightings. He
is just to elusive in the vents.
You cannot find me, you cannot trace me,
Sincerely
Matt Troyer-mysteriojr7@excite.com
Vulcan and Borg Ambassodor to Taco Bell
If your are hypnotized right now, go to andrew.brinkman.net
and tell them you love my stories and I should write more of
them.
P.S. I will anyway.