Diagnosing a "Redneck" Jedi 

Rednecks are not just a local blight--they're a menace to the entire
universe. One potential example is Luke Skywalker, who must have been a
redneck because he fell in love with his sister, Leia. Obviously, the
universe is a big place and Luke couldn't have been the only redneck Jedi
Knight! So--as a public service--if you suspect that the local Jedi on
your planet is a redneck, here are a few dead give-aways. . .. 

Your Local Jedi might be a Redneck if:
1. He can easily describe the taste of a bantha. . .without using the
	word "chicken." 
2. He can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. 
3. He can levitate himself using a force from within, without resorting
	to THE force. 
4. His master has ever asked your children: "Now my finger you will pull,
	mmmmmm?" 
5. He observes that the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the
	"dadgum skeeters." 
6. Wookies are offended by his B.O. 
7. He has ever used the force to get himself another beer so he didn't
	have to wait for a commercial. 
8. You've ever heard his father holler: "Shoot, son come on over t' the
	dark side...it'll be a hoot." 
9. The moonshine still he built on Endor is hidden so well that even the
	Ewoks can't find it. 
10. More than half the droids he owns don't function. 
11. He's ever used Jedi mind control to talk his way out of a speeding
	ticket or DUI. 
12. He's ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at
	his accent. 
13. He's ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette
	with a lightsaber. 
14. He doesn't think that Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. 
15. The Rancor monster refused to eat him . . .twice. 
16. He has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. 
17. If he says "these are not the beers you're looking for." 
18. If that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans
	and spare ribs.
19. If the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
20. If he calls his young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)." 
21. If he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up.
22. If the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family. 
23. If he calls Hank Williams Jr. "master." 
24. If his landspeeder has a gun rack.
25. If he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy. 
26. If he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the
	dark side are they." 
27. If his X-Wing has a still in it. 
28. If his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
29. If there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid.
30. If his robes have the Golden Flour label on them. 
31. If he trims his beard and finds a Mynock. 
32. If he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill. 
33. If he uses Jawas for a drink holder. 
34. If he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the
	other. 
35. If he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck. 
36. If he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD. 
37. If he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth.
38. If he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to
	spit. 
39. If his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored. 
40. If at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored. 
41. If he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 
42. If he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
	sheets.  
43. If he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the
	barbecue grill to light. 
44. If he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery. 
45. If he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest. 
46. If his father's name is Garth Vader.
47. If he got his lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids. 
48. If he's ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at his sister. 
49. If he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs. 
50. If he counts B. O. as a Jedi power. 
51. If he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer. 
52. He uses his lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud. 
53. There is a blaster rack in the back of his landspeeder. 
54. At least one section of his X-Wing is Bondo colored. 
55. He has bantha horns on the front of his landspeeder. 
56. He can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word
	chicken.  
57. A peaceful meditation is one without gas. 
58. His master/mentor ever said, "Hey, pull my finger..." 
59. His X-wing is up on blocks in his front yard. 
60. He lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because he had to spit. 
61. He uses his lightsaber to clean fish.  
62. He uses his R-2 unit's self-defense Electro-shock thingy to get the
	barbecue grill to light. 
63. The moonshine still he built on Endor is hidden so well even the
	Ewoks can't find it. 
64. He have a stuffed womp rat over his fireplace. 
65. He thinks the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate
	flag. 
66. The number of blasters he owns exceeds his I.Q. 
67. He wonders why Luke and Leia never got married. 
68. He used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas he shot
	while on vacation on Hoth. 
69. His moonshine is really made on the moon. 
70. He doesn't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the
	dip stored in his back pocket. 
71. Sandpeople back down from his mama.  
72. He built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. 
73. He's ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken
	droid. 
74. A Wookie has told him that he needs to shave. 
75. He doesn't think the Ewoks are primitive. 
76. He think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. 
77. He consider his lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. 
78. He discovers that his greatest enemy is, in fact, his father, who
	also happens to be his brother...  
79. He has ever used his Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
	Strawberry Hill. 
80. His favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes. 
81. He has fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of his X-Wing. 
82. He's asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting. 
83. He has ever looked at his sister, thought she was one hot babe, and
	kissed her.
84. He has the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on his land
	speeder. 
85. He bought hanging air fresheners for his friend's X-Wing at Christmas
	time. 
86. He has used the "O" on stop signs to sight in his new blaster. 
87. He wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on his farm
	back home. 
88. He called the Emperor "That old ugly dude in the house coat." 
89. His favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters. 
90. He thinks that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good
	looking chicks. 
91. He's got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on his mantle above
	his fireplace. 
92. His initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the
	Millennium Falcon. 
93. He has ever given someone a wedgie by using the force. 
94. He is flying a ship that has no original parts. 
95. Parts of a TIE fighter he blew up hang as a trophy in his living
	room. 
96. His blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a
	cantina napkin. 
97. People mistake his house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts
	dealership. 
98. He own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it. 
99. He inherited a Styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with his light
	saber. 
100. He didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.

101. He's used a storm trooper helmet as a spittoon. 
102. He's moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers. 
103. His beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame. 
104. The smell of ham or bacon reminds him of Jabba's Gamorean guards. 
105. His best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail
	pipe. 
106. He has ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on his
	landspeeder. 
107. He feels that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a
	dark side and it holds the universe together.  
108. You have heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
109. He has ever had an land-speeder up on blocks in his yard. 
110. He thinks Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks
	like a little sissy in that vest. 
111. He has ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke
	shorts. 
112. He has the doors of his X-wing welded shut and he has to get in
	through the window. 
113. Although he had to kill him, he kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt
	had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 
114. He ever fell in love with his sister. 
115. He have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as
	"them damn Yankees." 
116. He have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 
117. He suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood
	deck. 
118. He was the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the
	cantina scene. 
119. In his opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right." 
120. He went to Jedi junior high school with a guy who looked like Yoda.