STAR TREK: THE NEXT REGENERATION
GEORGE E MENDENHALL

Part One.

Captain's log, stardate Next Tuesday, 9500.0000. I, Nyota Penda Uhura, do finally take command of this ship, the USS Enterprise 1701-B, as its first woman, first black, first feminist, and first pro-choicer as the commanding officer of this ship. Not only that but, for once, everything is ready. The entire crew is on board, the equipment is all in place, and the USS Essex is standing by to answer distress calls so our first cruise will go uninterrupted. We are just paying a social call on Starbase Two in the Alpha Centauri system. That's all. Period. End of discussion. Uhura closed the log and said, "Helm, take us out."
"Aye, sir," the helmsperson said.
"Distress call coming in," the communications officer said. "The Essex is answering it."
"He-llo," said Q as he popped into existence, clapping Uhura on the shoulder. "Congrats on being the Enterprise's first woman captain."
"Oh, no," Uhura moaned.
"Not another omnipotent superalien," groaned the engineering officer.
"Yes, it's me," Q said cheerfully. "Here to--"
"Oh, no you don't!" Wesley said, popping into existence next to Q.
"How did you get here?" Q asked, feeling astonishment for the first time in his life.
"Excuse me!" Uhura said meaningfully.
"The Traveller taught me about my superpowers, that's how I got here!"
"Who are you??" Uhura asked again.
"Wesley, I--"
"But did you notice? Noooooooo. When that sexy Amanda Rodgers gets superpowers, that's different. But to you I'm just a lowly ensign! How come you never noticed my superpowers? Frankly, I'm sick of being ignored! It's always Jean-Luc this and Jean-Luc that!" Wesley stamped his foot.
"What are you doing here??" demanded Uhura. She stamped her foot.
"Now, Wesley--" Q stamped his foot.
"Who are you two?!" Uhura asked again, motioning for the security guards, who stamped their feet.
"There's something I want to show you!" Wesley said, grabbing Q by the lapel.
The security guards fired just as Wesley and Q disappeared. The bridge lavatory was fried.

Wesley and Q appeared on the Bajoran homeworld, in front of the main entrance to the Paramount Temple of the First Prophets. "There are some inconsistencies in Bajoran history I want to ask you about..." Wesley was saying.

(This story will be continued in STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION: THE MOTION PICTURE: THE SEQUEL: THE WRATH OF KIRA. Don't hold your breath.)

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, the lavatory was quickly fixed--they just used the transporter beam to rearrange the atoms. Uhura sat down, trying to relax. "This is *my* adventure," she said firmly. They made it to Starbase Two without incident, and came back. That was the end of that adventure.

Part Two.

Picard was in his office, looking over the latest ship reports, when Troi came in. "Sir--?" she said hesitantly.
He looked up at her, and said, "What's wrong?"
She sat down. "I'm sorry. I have some very sad news. Your brother and his family--their house, all the buildings, the entire farm, just burned down to the ground. They didn't make it. They didn't have a smoke detector."
"And a happy April Fool's Day to you, too," Picard said with a pleasant smile. "They would have been wakened, warned and alerted by their 18 dogs, 22 cats, 29 chickens, and 78 horses, not to mention the eelbirds, sehlats, targs and weeper-plants they've got all over the farm. Just because they don't like modern technology doesn't mean they're stupid."
Troi smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. This post card came in the mail, they're visiting New Zealand." She handed it over.
He looked at the photo, and read the note. "Thank you, Deanna. Anything else?"
"No, that's all."
A while later Picard recorded his log. "Ship's log, stardate 48999.9999. We are approaching an isolated starbase, Xenon-Yerxes 92-Alpha, where a Dr. Soran was last seen working on something he never told anyone about, and which no-one ever suspected."
Worf said, "I'm getting a signal from Doctor Soran."
"Open a channel," Riker said, and a skinny old guy who looked like Susan Powter appeared.
"Greetings!" Soran said. "I welcome you to observe my experiment! I have discovered a portal into the realm of another dimension! Into [insert name of your preferred afterlife belief]! All I have to do is ram this station down its throat. A billion credits' worth of equipment will be fried, but at least I'll be in [insert name of your preferred afterlife belief]!"
Picard smiled politely. "You did it all by yourself, did you? Without any help or interference from other people?"
"Well--yeah," Soran said, surprised at his skepticism. "Except for a few lowly ensigns, a couple of Klingon broads, some graduate students...but I know where I'm going! Because good Christians go to Heaven, good Moslems go to Paradise, good Jews go to...uh--"
"Query." Data said. "Where do good agnostics go?"
"WE DON'T KNOW!" everyone cried in unison.
Data asked, "What makes you think [insert name of preferred deity] would let you get in?"
Soran hesitated, then scowled. "I'm a doctor, not a philospher!"
Data replied, "If you're not a philosopher how do you know you're doing the right thing?"
"Mathematics!" Soran cried and immediately cut the channel before Data could ask any more difficult questions.
"I think we should stop him," Picard said.
"Why?" Data queried. "Because you don't believe in an afterlife?"
"Or is it because you think Soran isn't worthy of eternal happiness?" Troi inquired.
"Or because this adventure would be really boring if we let Soran do what he wants?" Riker wondered.
Picard said, "A billion credits' worth of equipment will be fried!"
Riker shook his head. "We don't use money anymore, remember? We can just replicate a new station."
Suddenly a large, winged, glowing figure appeared on the bridge, with a halo around his/her head. "Greetings. I am an angel of [insert name of preferred deity]."
Picard looked at the being sceptically. "Oh, come off it, there's no such thing as [insert name of preferred deity]."
The winged being said, "Okay, I'm a superpowerful space alien."
Picard smiled and nodded. "Now that's more like it. What do you want?"
"I came to let you know that you do not need to deal with Dr. Soran. [Insert name of preferred deity] will deal with him."
"His soul isn't going anywhere, he doesn't have one!" Picard said irritably.
Data said, "Query. In that `Power Play' incident, you didn't believe human souls could possess the bodies of myself, Troi and O'Brien. So why did you believe that alien souls could? Or what about when Kirk and Janice Lester traded bodies? Or what about Spock's katra? Or what about that time on Deep Space Nine when that prisoner took over Bashir's body? Or--"
"Those weren't souls!" Picard said. "Those were [insert preferred bafflegab expression]!"
"What's the difference?" everyone asked in unison.
"I don't know. I'm a captain, not a philosopher!" Picard exclaimed. He turned to Troi. "What do you think?"
"I believe in [insert name of preferred deity]." she said with a smile.
"Oh, all right, we'll find something else to do!" Picard said to the being.
"Thank you," the being said, and disappeared.

(This story will be continued in STNG III, The Search for McCoy. Don't hold your breath.)

Part Three.

After all the excitement had died down on the bridge, Uhura and the Enterprise were sent out on their first real mission. The Klingons had just finished a long-range survey of the planet Albeni, and had certified it free of superpowerful space aliens, much to everyone's relief.
So in a show of goodwill, the Federation and Klingons decided to explore the planet together. Uhura was still captain, but Kirk, Spock and McCoy went along as part of the diplomatic mission. Sulu had a cameo as Captain of the Excelsior; Chekov had a cameo as Spock's aide; Rand had a cameo as the captain of the USS Lexington; Scotty had a cameo in which he gave Kirk a copy of HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE as a going-away present.
Orbiting Albeni, everybody gathered in the briefing room to be briefed by Uhura's science officer, Tina Sinclair.
"This is truely a place `Where no one has gone before.' No previous contact by any known civilization, no superpowered aliens, no strange artifacts or unexplained readings, no Earth cultures or lost colonies, it'll all be brand new. Finally, a world with no cliches."
"What's the cultural level?" Uhura asked.
"Medieval period, which means primitive astronomy, primitive science, and primitive weapons."
Everyone sighed with relief, and they all beamed down.
They found themselves on a cobblestone pathway between two towers. In the distance a brick wall blocked off their entire view of the horizon. Nearby were various low buildings. A man riding a horselike creature suddenly galloped out of one of the buildings, and suddenly stopped in front of them. He dismounted and gazed at them dramatically. Kirk stepped forward, smiled and said, "I am--"
"Kirk," the native said suddenly. He closed his eyes and suddenly opened them. "You are Kirk. Spock. Mikoy--McCoy. Yes, of course. And you others..." the native named them each in turn. "You are visitors from the stars. Welcome."
Kirk glared at Sinclair, who was checking her tricorder. Spock was staring at his tricorder as well. Sinclair looked at Spock. Spock looked at Sinclair, who said, "You wanna tell him or should I?"
"I shall," Spock said. "It appears that they are--"
"--telepaths," the native said. "I am called Tykor."
"We are pleased to meet you," Kirk said with gritted teeth.
"May we discuss something in private?" Spock asked Tykor.
"Of course," Tykor said. "You space travellers didn't want to influence us with your ideas, and now you want to figure out what to do."
He led his horse some distance away, and Spock said, "It was illogical to assume all telepaths are already space travellers. And their myths and legends no doubt make such concepts very familiar."
"So of course he immediately figured out who we are and where we came from." Kirk said.
Sinclair said "So as soon as we arrived, we violated the Prime Directive." She glared at Kirk.
"Hey," Kirk said, "At least it's not my fault for a change!"

To make a long story short, they stayed on the planet for a while. The others beamed up early, but Kirk stayed on the planet with a cute ensign for a while. They departed later on the shuttle. But on the way, the shuttle's warp engines were damaged by a bomb left by a renegade Klingon. Suddenly, the shuttle was travelling at .99999999999999999999 lightspeed. Due to relativity, while Kirk emoted dramatically and the cute ensign fixed the engines, five minutes on the ship turned into 80 years in the outer universe.

In accordance with Federation policy, as soon as Kirk and the cute ensign disappeared, everybody else left and totally ignored the planet during the intervening eighty years. Nobody tried to rendezvous with the shuttle, and the situation on the planet was pretty much the same by the time the cute ensign fixed the engines.

(This story will be continued in ST VIII, The Halkan Falcon Affair. Don't hold your breath).

Part Four.

"Standard orbit," Picard said.
"Aye, sir," Ensign Noname said.
Q popped in. "He-llo, mon capitan," he said with a jolly smile.
"Don't make me do this," Picard said reluctantly. "I really don't want to do this."
"What?" Q said. "What can you do to me? You know how vast my powers are."
Picard reluctantly pressed a button which played a pre-recorded hologram of a strange-looking biped. He stood up and began a duet with the hologram.
"I love you, you love me, we're best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from--"
"Uh, 'scuse me, gotta go, `bye," Q said hastily, and left.
Picard turned the hologram off. "Whew."
"Sensors indicate Captain Kirk's shuttle is about to come to a halt," Worf said.
Data replied, "We can adjust the [insert preferred bafflegab expression] to [insert preferred bafflegab expression] and send the shuttle back to the 23rd century. I'm sure Kirk would be much happier back there with his friends."
"Make it so," Picard said, relieved that he didn't have to say things like "[insert preferred bafflegab expression]".
Riker asked, "So now what do we do for an adventure?"
Troi suggested, "We could investigate those aliens from "Conspiracy," or the aliens from "Schisms", or find out what the folks on Sigma Iotia are up to, or introduce Odo to the Antosians..."
"But then we'd have to spend two minutes explaining things to people who didn't see the episodes!" Ensign Noname whined.
"But if it was a new adventure we'd have to spend two minutes explaining things anyway!" Riker said.
"But the writers would rather do something new and different and it takes so much time and imagination and..." Ensign Noname continued whining, but ran out of things to say.
Riker told Picard, "Perhaps we could find out what Kahless is up to, or infiltrate the Romulans again, or find out what the Orions or the First Federation are doing."
"Make it so," Picard said, getting up. He didn't care that he hadn't really decided which adventure they'd have. "Surprise me. I'll be in my ready room if you need me." With that he left the con to Riker. So Riker, Troi, Worf, Data and Ensign Noname spent the whole trip to Risa playing video games on the viewscreen.

(This adventure will be continued in ST IX, Sarek and the Secret Tricorders of Doom. Don't hold your breath.)