Revenge of the Klingon

SCENE -: Dr Bashir in sick bay working on a formula to revert the Jack-pack to what they would have been if they hadn’t been genetically enhanced by their parents.

Enter Ezri Dax, kisses Bashir

Ezri - How’s it going?

Bashir - I think I’ve cracked it!

Ezri - Great (Kisses him again) Does that mean we can go back to my quarters, and

have a little FUN!?

Bashir - Certainly, this should be safe here for tonight. Let’s go!!

They leave arm in arm. Cut back to sick bay, where a figure is lurking in the

shadows. As soon as Dax and Bashir are out of sight the figure creeps into the

Infirmary, steals the sample Bashir was working on and replaces it with

another.

SCENE -: Back room of Quark’s bar. Worf is pacing back and forth impatiently, when

Quark enters.

Worf - (growling) Have you got it?

Quark Yes. Where’s my payment?

Worf - I will allow you to live! That will be your payment. Besides, I think you will

enjoy the results of my little experiment (Grins wickedly, Klingons only do

wicked grins)

Quark - What are you…….?

Worf - (Leaving) Don’t ask! (Mutters) I’ll teach him to sleep with my wife!!!

SCENE: - Next day - Bashir leaving Ezri’s quarters looking exceptionally tired

Bashir - (muttering) Boy, I guess Dax has always been the nympho, it wasn’t just Jadzia!

Com badge chirps

‘Doctor, your ‘guests’ have arrived. Shall we dump them in the cargo bay again?’

Bashir - Yeah, I’ll be there in a while. (Heads to his quarters for a quick shower)

SCENE Cargo Bay - the Jack-pack are arguing with Bashir.

Jack You mean you’ve come up with a way we can all live normally! We don’t believe you! We’ve been working on it for 1/2 an hour and haven’t worked it out yet! I’m cleverer than you! You must be wrong!

Lauren But look what he did for little Miss Catatonic - you didn’t think of that, did you, Jack?

Jack Hmm! I would’ve!

Bashir I do need a volunteer to test the formula on….

Jack (Jumping up and down with hands in the air) Me! Me! ME! ME! ME!

Bashir Jack, would you like to give it a try?

Jack Hmm, OK then.

SCENE -: Infirmary. Jack’s lying on a bed, Bashir is filling a hypo from the sample that he thinks he was working on the night before.

Bashir Hold still, this won’t hurt a bit! (injects Jack)

Jack OWWWW! You lied! (falls unconscious)

Bashir Oh, Shit, is he dead?

Nurse No, just sleeping.

They watch him for a few seconds, then Jack sits up.

Jack What am I doing here? I want to get drunk and start a fight!

Bashir But what about saving the universe?

Jack Ah, shut up and get out of my way, pig face! (Pushes Bashir and nurse out of the way and leaves)

Nurse Well, he’s acting like every bloke I’ve ever dated. I think it worked!

Bashir (watching Jack leave) I think you’re right! Go with him!

Nurse Crap! Not again! Haven’t I been out with enough losers?!

SCENE - Bashir and O’Brien are in the reclaimat, drinking coffee when Worf joins them, neither notice as Bashir is going on and on about the success with Jack. Worf sneakily pours something into Bashir’s coffee then leave muttering under his breath.

Worf (mutters) Suckah!

6 hours later

Com badge chirps

‘Bashir to Infirmary.’

Bashir Be right there! (Starts to run, but falls over his own feet) Whoops!

SCENE Infirmary - Jack is laying on a bed unconscious with two black eyes

Bashir What happened?

Nurse Well, he got drunk, tried to start a fight, but I beat crap out of him before the

Klingons could get to him! Got a round of applause from them, though

Bashir You were supposed to be watching him - weren’t you?

Nurse Are you OK, Doc? You seem strange? (Jack sits up and starts jabbering about

the universe collapsing. Nurse hits him, he lies back down.) Doc?? (Bashir is

on the floor, writhing in agony. Worf is in the doorway, sniggering)

Worf (quietly between sniggers) Let’s see what she thinks of you now, then!

SCENE Later, in the infirmary. Bashir is strapped to a bed, looking like Quasimodo’s

uglier, stupider brother. He is restrained so that he can’t hurt himself. Ezri.,

Captain Sisko and Major Kira are watching him with looks of disgust on their

faces.

Sisko So, this is what he would have been if his parents hadn’t….

Nurse So it seems - but what he’s had isn’t the same as we gave Jack. He has returned

to ‘normal’ - that is to say a know-it-all, hyperactive git! But Doctor Bashir’s

situation seems to be permanent.

Sisko I think we need a plan!

Kira Torture him ‘til he screams like a girl, and then kill him! By the way, where’s

Odo?

Ezri On a mission. Jeez, you do get testy when you’re not getting it regular, don’t

you? I think we should check the computer for any hints - it worked for the

Enterprise in ‘Naked Now’! Ah, I’ve got an idea!!

SCENE Ops

Ezri I thought so! Up until Wesley (SPIT) Crusher’s stupid experiment we used

Nanites to repair cellular damage. I wonder if they could work here.

Sisko Where can we get some?

Ezri Because of the BOY, they became a sentient race and settled on a planet, but it

is classified information. All the rest of the Nanites were destroyed in case the

same thing happened again.

Sisko So how do we find them?

Ezri Well, there might be a way, but…

All What?

Ezri Come here (all huddle up and whisper) OK then, 3 - 2 - 1..

All WESLEY!

Wesley Crusher appears in Ops out of nowhere

Wesley (Excitedly) Somebody wants me!!

Sisko Security! Containment field! NOW!

Wesley (walking straight through the force field) That doesn’t work on me any more.

What do you want? Can I steer?

Sisko We’re on a space station. We don’t move.

Wesley Aaw!

Ezri Wesley, do you remember those Nanites that nearly destroyed the Enterprise?

Wesley Won’t anyone let me forget? Yes, I made a mistake, one of many. But I’m

REALLY clever!

ALL WHERE ARE THEY?!!?

Wesley (Shrugs) I dunno.

All Crap!

Wesley (Brightening) But I know a man that does! (Vanishes)

SCENE - Another boring shift on the bridge of the Enterprise, when Wesley appears in a

flash of light, just like Q. Everyone looks up - sees who it is -then they all

scream and try to leave the bridge.

Picard Red Alert! Security to the Bridge!

Wesley Captain, it only me!

Picard I know! (slaps com badge) Dr Crusher to the…..

Wesley Nooooo! Please! She’ll only ask me if I’m wearing my vest and embarrass me!

Don’t…..PLEASE!

Picard OK, just shut up. Senior staff to my Ready Room NOW. (looks at Wesley) You coming?

Wesley (excitedly)YEAH!!!

In the Ready Room the Senior Staff stand to one side, eyeing Wesley suspiciously

Picard What do you want?

Wesley You know those Nanites? Where’d we leave them? They need some on DS9.

All WHAT!!

Wesley (Quietly) I just need to know where they are.

Picard Tell us what you’ve done now!

Wesley NOTHING! All I know is……(tells them all the story so far, well as much as

he knows!)

Picard Well, as it’s not your fault…This time! Data, set course for Kavis Alpha Four,

and prepare for face to face negotiations.

Data Oh crap! That means I’ve got to let them take over my circuitry again!

Picard Make it so, Commander!

Data (peevishly) OK!

The Enterprise arrives at the planet….

Picard Open.hailing frequencies

Data Why, they won’t be able to answer unless they’ve taken over my body.

Picard Oh, right. Beam us down, then.

Data Me and my big mouth!

Picard and Data beam down alone (no red shirts to die here!!). Data is immediately overrun by Nanites.

Data (possessed by Nanites, starts stroking Captain Picard’s head) Ah, the hairless one! It is The Picard! The Picard!

Picard We are sorry to disturb you, but we need a favour. Would you allow us to

transport you aboard our ship so we can talk about it?

Data/Nanites The Picard says beam, we beam!

Picard (slaps com badge) Two to beam up!

On board the Enterprise in the Ready Room.

Data/Nanites (On knees) All worship the Picard! All worship the Picard!

Picard coughs.

Troi Captain!

Data/Nanites carry on bowing down before the Captain. Picard does nothing.

Troi CAPTAIN!!!

Picard OK! OK! You may get up.

Data/Nanites Thank you, Picard. Thank you. How may we serve you?

Picard Do your kind have any memory of your origins?

Data/Nanites Yes, we were used in medical procedures before we were released from our

enslavement by the Picard.

Wesley (In the background) But….

All SHUT UP, WESLEY!

Picard Would you help us now?

Data/Nanites Anything for the Picard!

Picard outlines the problem and what is needed from the Nanites

Data/Nanites OK! No problem!

Picard Set course for DS9! Engage!

Wesley I’ll go on ahead and let them know you’re on your way. (vanishes)

Dr Crusher (entering room) Did I miss him?

SCENE Back on DS9, in the Infirmary, Dr Bashir’s situation is unchanged. Wesley

appears in a flash of light. Sisko, Ezri and Kira are present.

Wesley They’re coming! I’ve done it! I’m soooo clever!

All SHUT UP!

Sisko When will they arrive?

Wesley Umm, I don’t know. I forgot to ask. Sorry. (brightens) Can I go help Chief

O’Brien fix something?

All YES!!

Wesley Great! (Wesley leaves)

Sisko (slaps com badge)O’ Brien, watch out, the BOY’s on his way! Don’t let him

near the replicators, my coffee’s just fine the way it is!

O’Brien Oh shhhhure Sir. Here he is now. (ironically) Thanks for the warning! (off

comm) Hi, Wes. The Captain’s been complaining about the replicators; do you

want to have a look at them for me?

Wesley Yeah! Cool!

SCENE - At the bar in Quark’s. Jack’s being obnoxious (that is to say normal male behaviour) the Nurse is ordering another round of drinks.

Nurse Give me a pint of lager - the good stuff - and a vodka chaser. I’d better have something non-alcoholic for him, though, or he’ll just start another fight and I’ll just have to hit him again. (thinks) Actually, make his a large vodka and orange! (chuckles to herself)

Quark (grabbing her arm) How come he’s acting like that? The formula didn’t actually work, did it?

Nurse Yeah, but it only lasts eight hours. To stay ‘normal’ he’d have to take it three times a day, every day.

Quark (thoughtfully) Reeeaaally! Excuse me. (Goes into the back room)

The nurse turns back to Jack who winks and beckons her over.

SCENE Back on the Enterprise bridge. Captain Picard enters from the turbolift; Data/Nanites falls to his/their knees.

Data/Nanites Is there anything we can do for you? Let us serve the Picard.

Picard Weeeeell….. my fish could do with cleaning out….

Data/Nanites We shall begin immediately, Sire!

Picard (mutters) He he he! I hate that job!

Troi Captain!

Picard What! He offered! How long until we reach DS9?

Helm 1 hour and 5 minutes at current speed, Sir.

Picard Oh, good, he should be finished by then! I think I’ll just go and see how Doctor Crusher is. She was very upset about having missed Wesley. She might need a … shoulder to cry on.

Picard re-enters turbolift and leaves the Bridge, whistling.

1 Hour later

Comm Captain Picard to the Bridge

Picard (pokes his head out from under some covers, shouts) WHAT IS IT

Riker (on comm) We’re approaching DS9, Sir. I just thought you’d like to know. Sorry to disturb you!

Picard That’s alright, Number One. I’ll be right there. (mutters) I wonder how he’d manage stranded on an uninhabited planet? Might just have to try that one day!

Dr Crusher (sleepily) What was that, Jean-Luc?

Picard Nothing, go back to sleep.

Dr Crusher (mutters indistinctly and rolls over)

Picard (Thinks) Luck cow, I wish I could do that!

Bridge of the Enterprise, Captain Picard rushes in.

Picard Hail the station. On screen…Aaahhh Captain Sisko, nice to see you again. I understand you are having a problem with your Doctor!

Sisko You could say that! Are you sure these Nanites can help?

Data/Nanites (Enters the bridge, soaking wet and drops to his knees in front of Picard) We have cleaned The Picard’s water tank. We kept these for you as you might like them for decoration (Holds up Picard’s fish - Dead!)

All Yeuuuck!

Picard Erm - Thank you. We have reached DS9, are you sure you can do this?

Data/Nanites We will do anything for The Picard

Picard (to Sisko) There’s your answer!

Sisko Great! Do you think you could give us 30 minutes, we just need to, ahem document the doctor’s condition!

Picard Just let us know when you are ready. Enterprise out

SCENE Sickbay, DS9. Worf is holding a holo-imager.

Kira Jump, Julian, jump!

Bashir jumps 2 inches off the floor and then falls flat on his face.

Sisko (standing in the corner of the room) Here, Julian!

Bashir runs toward Sisko, but falls over his own feet straight into the computer console.

Ezri (enters sickbay) What’s going on? Leave him alone! Worf, put that camera down!

Worf chuckles and leaves with the imager.

Ezri I just heard! The Enterprise arrived 20 minutes ago, why isn’t Julian being treated?

Sisko Well….

Kira It was just a bit of fun! I was bored! Odo’s not back yet!

Ezri You’re all sick! Captain, get the Nanites here NOW! Get me my Julian back! (Storms out of sickbay)

Sisko (to Kira) Oh well, I think we got enough footage!

Kira Yeah, I suppose so. Do you think we could make a holo-programme out of it?

They leave sickbay, laughing.

SCENE Sisko’s office, Sisko, Picard, Data/Nanites and the nurse are present.

Data/Nanites Where is the subject?

Nurse I’ll show you, follow me.

Data/Nanites bows to Picard and follows the nurse out of the office.

Sisko (to Picard) That should take care of that! Would you like some coffee?

Picard I’d prefer tea - Earl Grey - Hot.

Sisko (shrugs) Ok (approaches replicator) Tea - Earl Grey, and a Rachtajino.

Two cups appear, one full of green gunk, and the other containing a purple powder.

Sisko (slaps his comm badge) O’BRIEN!!!

O’Brien (on comm, sniggering) Yes, Sir? Is there a problem?

Sisko What’s happened to the replicators? No, let me guess! Wesley!

O’Brien But I thought you said to get him to look at them, Sir! I’ll see what I can do.

Sisko (shouting) WESLEY!!!

Wesley (appears as before, takes one look at their faces) Whoops! I think I’d better go! See ya! (Disappears)

Picard (mutters) Not if we see you first!

Picard’s comm badge chirps.

Dr Crusher (on comm) Is my darling boy with you, Jean-Luc? His mummy wants a cuddle!

Picard Sorry, Doctor, he just left

Dr Crusher Oh, no! Not again! (sobs)

Picard I’m on my way! (to Sisko) I think I’ll pass on the tea! (leaves hurriedly)

SCENE three hours later in Sickbay DS9 Dr Bashir is recovering, but Jack is unconscious on a bed.

Data/Nanites Where is The Picard. We must ask him what else we may do to serve him.

Computer Captain Picard is in Cargo Bay 3

Data/Nanites Ah (leaves sickbay)

Ezri (to Bashir) How do you feel?

Bashir Better. What happened?

Ezri We’re not sure, but we’re going to find out!

Kira enters with Odo.

Ezri Odo! When did you get back?

Odo Three hours ago; I wanted to surprise Kira.

Kira (Smiling broadly) He certainly did that!

Odo I’ve reviewed the security logs and I know exactly what happened, and who did it! QUARK!!

SCENE Sisko’s office. Worf, Quark, Ezri, Bashir, Kira and Odo are present. The Nurse is hovering in the background.

Sisko (to Odo) Come on then, clever clogs, tell us!

Odo Well, OK then. I took a genetic scan of the infirmary to confirm my suspicions…

Quark You mean you thought it was me!

Odo (dryly) Of course! And there was genetic material of yours in the infirmary, but records show you haven’t been in there for weeks. Which means there shouldn’t be any DNA of yours present.

Quark erm, oh yeah, I remember! One of my Dabo girls went to Bashir to get a strained wrist treated and I went to visit……

Odo The truth, Quark, or I’ll lock you up so quickly that your ears’ll spin!

Quark (looks at Worf) I can’t tell you, he’d kill me! Can I go now?

Worf growls at Quark as every one turns to look at him.

Sisko What does he mean, Worf? Why would you want to kill Quark? No, let me rephrase that question, why would you want to kill Quark if he tells us what he was doing in the infirmary?

Worf (growling) It was a personal arrangement! I noticed some wrinkles the other day and commissioned the Ferengi to get me some skin firming cream……..

Sisko You’re a very bad liar, Worf! Now can we hear about the REAL arrangement?

Worf (in a rage) He was sleeping with my wife! He deserves everything he gets! I just wish the Nanites hadn’t been able to help!

Ezri (slaps Worf) I’M NOT YOUR WIFE! (storms out of the room dragging Dr Bashir with her.)

Sisko (to Worf) I think you’d better be confined to your quarters until we can work out a suitable punishment!

Nurse I think I have just the thing! I’ll take care of this with your permission, Sir. (Gets Worf in a headlock and escorts him to his quarters!)

Meanwhile Data/Nanites is approaching Cargo Bay 3 calling for Picard but not getting a reply. The door will not open, so the Nanites use Data’s skills to override the locking mechanism. Hearing faint panting sounds he/they head toward them, only to see Picard’s bare buttocks

Data/Nanites (running screaming from the Cargo Bay) The Picard has hair! The Picard has hair! How can we worship him now! That’s the only thing that made him special! We will avenge ourselves!

SCENE Two days later in Quarks Bar. Bashir, Ezri, Kira, Odo, O’Brien and Sisko are having a drink together. The Nurse is at the bar sinking a few pints.

O’Brien I still don’t understand what happened with Data. I mean, why would he steal a Runabout and take it through the Wormhole, all the time shouting “We have been betrayed by The Picard! We shall return to avenge ourselves!”?

Sisko I guess we’ll never know, but didn’t the Captain look a little embarrassed to you before he left?

O’Brien Yeah, now that you mention it. So did Doctor Crusher…….

Sisko (changing the subject) Julian, how’s Worf?

Bashir Still in a bad way, but he’s getting there. (looks over at the Nurse and whispers) But I’m making sure I’m REALLY polite to her in the future, I can tell you!

Odo Have you been able to analyse the solution that Quark replaced your concoction with yet?

Bashir No, but it does seem to be familiar, somehow. I’ll get it soon. It works great though.

Quark (coughs gently behind him to get his attention) I could get you an unlimited supply, for the right price, you know. All you have to do is ask.

Bashir I’d really like to know what it is, first. Just to make sure it’s really as safe as it seems to be.

Quark Oh, don’t worry, Doctor, it totally natural (whispers something to Bashir.)

Bashir You ARE joking!

Quark No, of course not! And before you start thinking you could get it for free from Rom, think again! I hold the rights! I’m just off to waste extraction now, should I bring back a supply? (walks off chuckling)

Bashir (Astonished and horrified at the same time) How can he hold the rights to Ferengi urine?

Others WHAT!!!

SCENE One week later. All is forgiven between the Doctor and Worf. Worf is now fine with Ezri and Bashir’s relationship as he is now seeing the Nurse on a regular basis. All the senior staff have decided that an evening at Vic’s place is in order. As they all enter Vic rushes over to them looking really harassed

Vic Boy, am I pleased to see you! Where did that new waiter come from? You’ve got to get him out! He’s costing me business! (points toward the corner where someone’s just getting up from the floor)

Bashir (looks over) Oh, no! Who did that!

In the corner, once more falling over his own feet is a hologram of Bashir when he was de-enhanced. Worf is at the back of the group passing Quark some Latinum and sniggering. No one notices but Ezri and Bashir, though, because they’re all to busy trying to stop themselves from laughing too!

THE END