Continental 3 : The Search For
Socks.
Matthew Troyer.
This is one of Gunther the Chipmunk’s favorite stories, so if he likes it, you'll like it.
Captain: Adam Brinkman {Brinkman1}
Executive Officer: Gama-Vulcan
Head Engineer: Matt Troyer, is power behind the throne
Ops: Joseph Amano
Security Chief: Ario Bridges, Heran, they are genetically
engineered humans
Just is there: Drew Kamler
Helm: Elizabeth Waltner, is a window washer and janitor
Doctor: Lauren Gardner
Security guard: Carrie Brooks, supermodel
Something: Andrew Brinkman {Brinkman2}
Here is my rating system:
S. Stupidity.
N. Unnecessary reading.
A. Adolescent Stupidity.
V. Unrealistic portrayal of women. {men too}
L. Language Barriers.
T. Time Travel.
P. Explicit use of pies. {not very common}
Y. Explicit use of yams. {more common than you'd think}
G. Stupid guest stars.
This parody contains (S,N,A,V,G)
This parody is dedicated to anyone who reads it, because there are
so precious few of you.
An object floats in space, silently and slowly, rotating and spinning
and doing anything objects in space do. Camera zooms in and an old
Romulan bird of prey is shown. Pause in music, then the Continental
appears.
On the Bridge
Gama: "Captain to the bridge."
Brinkman1:"Do you want the fake Captain, or the one that
actually runs the ship?"
Gama: "The fake one will do nicely."
Brinkman1:"Very well then. I am on my way. It should take
me approximately seven seconds to get there. Three if I hurry."
Gama: "There is no hurry Captain. Take the seven
seconds."
Brinkman1:{seven seconds later Brinkman appears on the
bridge} "Have no fear, the fake Captain is here."
Gama: "Good. We have been fired upon by a 1500 year old
Romulan bird of prey, approximate age, they demand our surrender."
Brinkman1:"What is their condition?"
Bridges: "We could defeat them with snowballs."
Brinkman1:"Unfortunately, snowballs are not readily
available."
Brinkman2:"We could shoot them with torpedoes and phasers."
Brinkman1:{Mock enthusiasm} "Good Idea. Now go go back to your post and
if you ever talk to me directly again, I'll use my inverse tachyon
destabilizer."
Troyer: {walks onto the bridge} "No, you won't use any
inverse tachyon destabilizers on my ship."
Brinkman1:"Sorry, sir."
Troyer: "That's okay. We're going to send an away team to
the Romulan ship. I'll lead it, Gama and Drew will come with me.
You tell Kamler and send him to the transporter room."
Brinkman1:"Brinkman1 to Kamler."
Kamler: "Kamler here."
Brinkman1:"You're needed on an away team."
Kamler: "Ahh man, do I have to?"
Brinkman1:"Yes, and I need you to kill Troyer while you're over there."
Kamler: "You expect me to try this every parody?"
Brinkman1:"Yeah."
Kamler: "He has too good of security. As I've told you
before, it's impossible to assasinate him. And if we did, there
would be a riot on the ship as well as Vulcan. Don't forget, he
is the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell."
Brinkman1:"Don't argue. You're going to do it and you're going to
like it."
Kamler: "Alright. Time to go ladies. You have to leave
now."
Brinkman1:"Can't a parody go bye without some mention or
mention of se-"
Gama: "We are leaving now."
Brinkman1:"Groovy."
On the Romulan Ship
Troyer: "First of all Kamler, I know you're supposed to
kill me. Don't try, or Gama will make you regret it."
Kamler: "Just say I made an attempt, and that will do fine."
Troyer: "Deal."
Gama: "Excuse me gentlemen, but if we are going to explore this ship,
I'm going to need support."
Kamler: "What do you think we are, a jock strap?"
Gama: "Please, don't make me regret a murder."
Kamler: "Sorry. Kind of. Well, maybe I'm not."
Troyer: "Stop thinking. I just saw movement. Please give the
pocket laser cannon." {Gama gives it to him, and he fires it
twice}
Gama: "Congratulations, Commander Troyer, you have just given away any
advantage that we may have held."
Troyer: "Gentlemen, I do believe it is time to run."
{all take off running}
Gama: "Faster. They are gaining."
Kamler: "Who is?" {turns and looks} "Good gosh, it's a
tangerine!"
Troyer: {turns and fires the laser cannon, just nicks arm,
but juice flies everywhere}
Gama: "Fascinating." {they all come to a stop as a really old man
appears in front of them, about 117 and 1/5 years old}
Raeshaun: "Stop. Oh, you already did. Tangerine, stay where you are.
So you are the invaders who gave us a hull breach with that
frickin laser cannon."
Kamler: "It wasn't me, it was him. {points at Troyer}
Troyer: "I didn't see your ship there."
Raeshaun: "Oh, in that case, it's alright."
On the Romulan Bridge
Raeshaun: "This is my bridge."
Kamler: "Oh really?" {sarcastically}
Raeshaun: {oblivious to sarcasm} "Time for nap. {Sits in
his chair and sleeps}
Guy: "Good, he's asleep. My name is Professor the
Unknown. I am the mad scientist on board this vessel. These are
my two assistants, Triathalon and Burritoface."
Both: "Greetings."
Professor:"We have declared war on the Klingon Empire. Since the
Federation is allies with them, we fired on you.
Kamler: "Do you have to talk so boringly? Use
contractions or adverbs or double negatives or something. Just
talk like a human being!!!"
Gama: "I find his talking very pleasing after spending so much time with
you grammatically disinclined humans."
Troyer: "You would."
BF: "Klingons are approaching."
Professor:"Please send a message to them and the Klingon
Empire."
Tri: "What should it say?"
Professor:"Greetings. We deeply regret your impending
deaths and will gladly pay any restitution
required. The Nation of Domination has arrived
and will destroy the Klingon Hamshire."
Tri: "Empire."
Professor:"Oh, yes, of course. P.S. You cannot find us,
you cannot trace us, Sincerely, Profesor the
Unknown, Burritoface, Triathalon, Raeshaun, and a
tangerine, all aboard a Romulan vessel 20 light
years north of the planet Tatooine."
Tri: "It has been sent."
Professor:"Very good. You three trespassers, do not go into
the room marked XVII7, because that is offlimits
because we are carrying a secret cargo no one
knows about."
Troyer: "We would never go into a secret room carrying a
secret cargo." {winks at Kamler}
Kamler: "Oh yeah, while you and the Klingons duke it out,
we're going to explore the ship." {winks at
Troyer}
Raeshaun: {wakes up} "We definitely can trust you to go
alone, can't we?"
Troyer: "Of course."
Raeshaun: "I'm not as stupid as I look. I know you are
going to look at the secret cargo. Just don't set
off the alarms, okay? Then we'll have to kill
you. As long as you leave no evidence of being
there, its alright. Watch out for the killer
gasoline barrels." {falls back asleep}
Continental Bridge
Bridges: "Captain, Klingon vessels are approaching."
Brinkman1:"Oh my gosh, I actually get to make a decision!
Troyer is gone and I finally have control of the
ship. This power is intoxicating!"
Amano: "Sorry Captain, Troyer left the Backstreet Boys in
charge."
Brinkman1:"The Backstreet Boys? How did they get on this
ship?"
Brinkman2:"I bought their holodeck program because they have
cool music."
Backstreet:{sung} "Backstreet's back alright!"
Brinkman1:"Good grief." {the entire bridge crew starts to
chant to Brinkman2}
Bridge: "Kill the pig. Cut it's throat. Spill it's
blood."
Brinkman2:"Hey, get away from me. That's a completely
different parody."
Bridge: "Kill the pig. Cut it's throat. Spill it's
blood."
Brinkman2:"We are not in Lord of the Flies. Guys, you
listening to me? This is not Lord of the Flies!"
Bridge: "Kill the pig. Cut it's throat. Spill it's
blood." {all advance on Brinkman2 and kick and
poke him, until he lays on the ground motionless}
Brooks: "Oh my gob, they killed Kenny-I mean Andrew!"
Amano: "Gob?"
Brooks: "It's a lot more fun to say. Try it."
Amano: "Gob. Hey, it is more fun. Gob, gob, gob. Try
everyone."
Brinkman1:"Gob."
Bridges: "Gob."
Backstreet:{sung}"Gob gob gob gobgob."
Brinkman1:"Alright Backstreet Boys, what do we do?"
Bacstreet:"Dance." {sung} "I don't care who you are, where
you're from, what you want, as long as you love
me." {everyone dances}
On the Klingon Ship
Ptagh: "Voch mofch koch gotch."
Tinka: "Akbar grunt grunt witch ktich mooch bootch."
Bull: "Backar juntra sigha macho."
Ptagh: {laughs, and then ominously} "Ich bac tuvok ooga
booga hiran sinoc." {all laugh}
Romulan Vessel
Kamler: "Be careful not to set off the alarms."
Troyer: {like Adam Sandler} "Oh no, the tangerine might
come and get us."
Gama: "I wonder what he ment by killer gasoline
barrels."
Troyer: "Maybe gasoline barrels that kill?"
Gama: "Commander Troyer, I have come to expect much more
from you."
Troyer: "I'm sorry to have disappointed you."
Gama: "You should be."
Kamler: "Both of you there is the secret cargo, inside
that room." {Raeshaun walks by}
Raeshaun: "Well young men, you having any trouble getting
into our secret cargo?"
Troyer: "No problems yet. Thanks for caring."
Raeshaun: "Oh, I don't really care." {falls asleep}
Kamler: "I hope when I'm 117 1/5, I don't act like him.
{Raeshaun wakes up}
Raeshaun: "By the way, none of your names is Moon Unit?"
Troyer: {questionly} "Nooooo."
Raeshaun: "Good, anyone whose name is Moon Unit is not
allowed on my ship."
Gama: "Where do you originate?"
Raeshaun: "Here or there."
Gama: "No, what state."
Raeshaun: "State of Denial."
Gama: "Really."
Raeshaun: "State of Confusion."
Kamler: "Surely you aren't serious."
Raeshaun: "Yes I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
Troyer: "Oh gees." {Kamler who is doing jumping jacks,
trips and falls}
Raeshaun: "Your friend there about has the finesse of a
brick."
Kamler: "Was that some kind of slur on my weight?"
Raeshaun: "Huh?"
Troyer: "What?"
Gama: "Please repeat."
Kamler: "Was that some kind on slur on my weight?"
Gama: "Please Mr. Kamler, don't think, it only hurts."
Raeshaun: "Have you guys seen Stevie Wonder's new haircut?"
Kamler: "No."
Raeshaun: "Neither has he!" {in walks a llama} "Good thing I
brought my llama repellant."
Gama: "It is not necessary to talk this much."
Raeshan: "Did you know I'm an airplane?"
Troyer: "Oh really."
Raeshaun: "O'Reilly. Not Oh really. My last name is O
Reilly. But any way, back to the airplane. You
see, my mother built airplanes and I was born in
an airport. Can I put your cat in the Microwave?
If Abraham was alive right now, what would he be
doing? Pounding on his grave trying to get out.
Two cows were in a field. One cow said moo. The
other cow said, hey I was just going to say that.
Eat a beaver, save a tree. That's my motto.
What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind
when he hits the windshield? His butt. A man
walked past Mozart's grave and heard music coming
out backwards. He asked the man next to him, why
is there music coming out Mozart's grave
backwards? The man answered, Mozart's
decomposing."
Troyer: "Nap time for Raeshaun." {pulls out pocket laser
cannon and stuns him}
Kamler: "Thank goodness. Now let's see what's in the
cargo." {looks in box and gasps}
Professor:"I see you are surprised by our cargo."
Kamler: "You must have over three tons of clean socks in
here."
Troyer/Gama:"Socks!?!?!?"
Professor:"Let me explain my plan to you. We steal clean
socks from the Klingon Hamshire-"
BF: "Empire."
Professor:"Of course. We trade the socks for guns to the
Cardassian army. We trade the guns for ketracyl
white for the Jem Hadar. We buy slaves from the
Orion Syndicate and trade them to the Ferengi for
biochemical weapons which we sell to the Maquis
for a rich sum of money."
Professor:"Of course now that I told you this, I have to
kill you."
Kamler: "I guess that saves me the trouble."
On the Klingon Ship
Ptagh: "Bok chaka khan slick vudcka mok."
Bull: "Sapra."
Tinka: "Chimichanga el grande taco." {all laugh}
On the Continental
{They all are dancing to the Backstreet Boys when the Klingons fired.
As the ship shakes around, Brinkman2's body flies in the air and hits
the fire all weapons button which destroys the Klingons. Then he hits
the transport button and Gama, Troyer, and Kamler are beamed back to the
ship. Next he hits the opposite attraction field and the old Romulan
vessel leaps away at warp 9. Finally he lands on the inverse tachyon
destabilizer and the Backstreet Boys disappear.}
Brinkman1:"Aw man, the Backstreet boys left." {everything
returns to normal} How'd the field trip go?"
Kamler: "Not to bad."
Brinkman1:"Learn anything interesting?"
Troyer: "No nothing, not at all."
Brinkman1:"Brinkman2, what's wrong?"
Brinkman2:"I think I'm dead."
Brinkman1:"Dang. Emergency medical team to the bridge. We
have a death." {Brinkman2 is drug off to sickbay}
Troyer: "Wow, we've had a rough trip so far."
Brinkman1:"Yeah, tell me about it. We left our helmsman at
our last restroom stop, Kamler died during a
temporal anomaly, we had our temporary helmswoman/
janitor put in jail and now my brother died. Just
a moment."
Kamler: "It was kind of weird going to my own funeral."
Brinkman1:"I'm sure it was. Please excuse me. Brinkman1 to
Brinkman2."
Brinkman2:"This is Brinkman2."
Brinkman1:"How are you taking your death?"
Brinkman2:"Not to bad."
Brinkman1:"Just the same, I would like you to take some
counseling. From what I heard from Drew Kamler,
being dead is pretty rough."
Brinkman2:"Whatever you say. Excuse me while I hit on the nurse
here. It seems she's turned on by dead men like myself.
Brinkman2 out."