An ALL-NEW Sliders/Voyager/X-files/Spider-Man Crossover!
"Sell-out"
By Jesse Glaspey.
Note: This story takes place after "What the Hell" And during a point of
Spider-Man’s career when the Comic was selling.
PART 3: MORTAL WOMBAT!!
Jesse: Hi. In case you missed....a shit load of ninjas assaulted The
Sliders, the Voyager gang, Mulder and Scully and Spider-man.
The ninjas were promptly slaughtered and the gang was then greeted
by Lord Raiden...Let’s watch the fun as ANOTHER tv show is crossed
over...
(Raiden is sitting on a bench, appauding the senseless violence.)
Raiden: Very well done, people!
Spider-Man: Holy spit! Christopher Lambert!
Mulder: Man, you were GREAT in Highlander!
Paris: Gunmen was AWESOME!
(Quinn walks up to Raiden and punches him in the stomach)
Quinn: I want my $7.50 back for Fortress!
Raiden: DAMMIT PEOPLE! I’M NOT CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT! I’M RAIDEN! LORD
OF THUNDER!
Spider-Man: Thor?
Raiden: NO! I’m........getting a headache.
Janeway: I get those a lot.
Rembrandt: Why?
Kim: Captain. Why is the sky blue?
Seven: Captain. Everyone is ineffecient and I’m going to short-sheet
their beds!
Neelix: Captain. Dinner is loose on deck 5 again!
(Janeway reaches for her phaser, Chakotay slaps her hand away.)
Rembrandt: Point made.
Scully: So, Maiden...
Raiden: RAIDEN!
Scully: Whatever. What the hell are you talking about? Defending the
realm?
Raiden: There is a prophecy....And I quote: "The World Devourer and his
minions will come. And the only ones who can stop the Devourer
are the Icon, the Bimbo, the Believer, The Bitch, the Leader and
the Nitwit."
(A long pause.....Everyone looks at each other.)
Torres: Is that it? That’s all of the prophecy?
Raiden: Yep.
Maggie: That’s a load of crap!
Raiden: Honest! It’s all going to come true!
Chakotay: Yeah. And my tattoo is fake!
(Another long pause.)
Mulder: What do we do?
Scully: Don’t encourage him!
Raiden: The World Devourer is going to have you face his minions before
you can actually face him.
Maggie: So why don’t we just duck the minions and go straight to the
Devourer?
(Everyone murmurs in agreement.)
Raiden: It doesn’t work that way!
Colin: Why?
Raiden: Because I have to segue into bringing my associates in.
Colin: Why?
Raiden: Because we have to move this parody along.
Colin: Why?
Raiden: Because!
Colin:Why?
Raiden: JUST BECAUSE!
Colin: Why?
(Raiden hits Colin with a bolt of lightning which does NOTHING. Colin is
so dense nothing affects him.)
Raiden: ANY MORE QUESTIONS BEFORE WE GO ON?
Neelix: What is this Earth thing called "Tossing the salad"?
Spider-Man: Why does Marcy Playground sound like Mulder trying to sing?
Mulder: Yeah....HEY!
Kim: Where has my personality gone?
Raiden: ENOUGH! STOP! GAH! IDIOTS! ALL OF YOU! GANG! INTRODUCE
YOURSELVES!
(Kung Lao, Taja and Ciro step out. Which is weird considering Mortal
Kombat: Konquest is set in ancient times! And speaking of which, for
ancient times, why do Mortal Kombat and all those shows why do they have
Elastic on their clothes? I know it’s irrelevant but isn’t it weird?)
Kung Lao: Greetings.
Taja: Hi.
Ciro: Hello.
Spider-Man, Quinn, Mulder and Janeway: AW, shit!
=====================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
--------
YOU SAW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS: THE MOVIE!
YOU SAW MORTAL KOMBAT: THE MOVIE!
YOU SAW STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE!
YOU SAW DOUBLE DRAGON: THE MOVIE!
YOU SAW WING COMMANDER: THE MOVIE!
NOW SEE THE NEXT BIG VIDEO GAME TURNED MOVIE!!!!!
PONG: THE MOVIE!
THREE HOURS OF ACTION! STARRING BEN AFFLECK AND MATTHEW
MCCONAGHEY!
Ben Affleck: Beep.
Matthew McConaghey: Beep.
Ben Affleck: Beep.
Matthew McConaghey: Beep. Beep.
Ben Affleck: Beep. Beep.
Matthew McConaghey: Beep.
PONG: THE MOVIE! COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU!
--------
==========================================
(Everyone is milling around. Raiden is popping aspirin like candies.)
Raiden: OkayokayokayOKAY! This is what we have to do! To save your world
we have to stop the minions first THEN the Devourer! Got it?
Kim: No. Explain it again, please!
(Two hours later....Raiden is STILL explaining to Harry the problem of
the Devourer. Raiden is trying everything from charts to sock puppets.
Raiden is now messed up and chain smoking. Poor silly bastard.)
Raiden: PLEASE! WOULD SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO HIM THE PROBLEM!
Janeway: Let me do this....Harry?
Kim: Yeah?
Janeway: People good. Devourer bad. If Devourer win, planet go boom.
Kim: MY GOD! WE HAVE TO STOP THE DEVOURER AND HIS MINIONS FROM
DESTROYING THE PLANET!
Raiden: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Taja: What’s wrong with Raiden?
Kung Lao: I don’t know. Just stand there and look pretty until we need
your stunt double.
Taja: Okay!
Maggie: Where have I heard that before?
Quinn: I don’t know. Just stand there and look pretty until we need your
breasts.
Maggie: Okay!
Raiden: Okay. The Devourer’s plan involves setting up four stations on
Earth so he can devour it easier! They’re cleverly disguised
as the most evil, foul, malicious, devious thing on Earth......
Spider-Man: Disney Stores?
Raiden: Worse. Fast food joints. Split up and search!
Tuvok: Wait. If the Devourer is going to destroy the world why would he
set up his stations all in New York?
(A long pause)
Raiden: I never said he was smart.
Colin: What is a fast food joint?
Jesse: THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I CAN’T KEEP MILKING THE
SAME BLOODY AMISH JOKE! SCREW THIS! HE’S WORTHLESS! COLIN’S GONE
AND I’M BRINGING BACK WADE! TO HELL WITH CONTINUITY!
Quinn: Hey! That’s OUR motto!
(Colin disappears and Wade reappears.)
Wade: What the fuck? This isn’t ABC!
Quinn: Hi, Wade! Welcome back!
(The world’s most bloodcurdling scream is emitted from Wade.)
Wade: I THOUGHT I ESCAPED! NOOOO! WHHYYYYY MEEEEEEE??
Scully: Knock it off! Sportsnight sucks ass!
(Wade pauses, then nods in agreement. Quinn fills her in on the events)
Wade: Wow. What a crock of shit!
Everyone: WE KNOW!
Raiden: Okay everyone! Split up!
(Everyone goes off in seperate groups. And for the sake of Jesse’s
sanity, we’ll follow the group consisting of Spider-Man, Taja, Maggie
and Torres. They’re walking down the street.)
Maggie: Has anyone noticed no one is staring at us?
Spider-Man: Why would they?
Torres: A klingon, two bimbos and a guy in spandex walking down the
street doesn’t seem inconspicuous?
Spider-Man: This is New York City.
Taja, Torres and Maggie: Ohhhhhhh..
Spider-Man: Yep. So! Do any of you wanna make out or what?
Torres: EXCUSE ME? HOW RUDE!
Maggie: Hmmmmmm....
Taja: (Says nothing. She’s too busy listening to the wnd whistling
between her ears)
Spider-Man: Forget it! We’ll deal with that later! Where the hell are
the minions? We’re at a fast food joint!
(All of a sudden, a person is thrown through the window in front of them
and lands in the street)
Dr. Doom: TAKE THAT FRYBOY! WHEN DOOM SAYS HE WANTS NO PICKLES,
HE MEANS HE WANTS NO PICKLES! SO SAYS DOOM!
The Vessel: Yes! Yes! HE WANTS NO PICKLES!
Spider-Man: Houston, we have some minions! Hello, Doom!
Dr. Doom: Hello, Spider!
Spider-Man: Who’s the twit with the big ass eyebrows?
Dr. Doom: My new assistant, The Vessel.
Spider-Man: Whatever. Let’s get to it!
(A fight breaks out in the fast food joint. start whipping ass.
Meanwhile, Spidey is sitting back having coffee with Taja.)
Spider-Man: So, wanna make out?
(All of a sudden, the Vessel turns the tide and starts whipping Torres’,
Maggie’s and Taja’s stunt double’s asses. Him and Doom are about to kill
them when.....)
Buffy: HAI YAH! (Kicks the Vessel in the jimmy and hits Doom with a
baseball bat, knocking them out!)
Spider-Man: My god! More babes! Thank you!
Torres: Who the hell are you?
Buffy: I’m Buffy: Vampire Slayer! Some guy that looked like Christopher
Lambert told me to be here!
Spider-Man: Aw, fuck!
WHAT THE HELL IS BUFFY DOING HERE??
WILL THE REST OF THE GANG STOP THE OTHER MINIONS??
WILL SPIDEY SCORE WITH ANY OF THE CHICKS??
ISN’T HE MARRIED??
WHAT KIND OF WEAK ASS CLIFFHANGER IS THIS???
FIND OUT IN SELL-OUT PART 4: NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE!
CONTINUE