An ALL-NEW Sliders/Voyager/X-files/Spider-Man Crossover!
"Sell-out."
By Jesse Glaspey.
Note: This story takes place after "What the Hell" And during a point of
Spider-Man’s career when the Comic was selling.
PART 4: NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE!
Jesse: When last we saw our heroes. They had split up to find the
minions and try to save earth. Spider-Man, Maggie, Torres and Taja
had encountered (Actually more like stumbled) Dr. Doom and Buffy’s
perennial punching bag The Vessel! And The fight was leaning
towards Doom (only because Spidey was more interested in Taja’s
‘assets’) when Buffy: Vampire Slayer saved the day! By the way...
Isn’t it kind of humiliating that Buffy, a high schooler, beat up
one of the most feared villains in the world? Buffy beat up a big
guy wearing ARMOR?
Spider-Man: Not so unbelievable! Doom gets his ass kicked regularly by a
guy whose main power is to stretch!
(Whatever! We now pick up outside a Quick-Stop with Quinn, Doctor,
Scully, Ciro and Chakotay walking up.)
Quinn: Okay! I have a question. If the minions are at fast food joints.
Why are we at a convenience store?
Scully: I still want donuts. Or Twinkies.
Quinn: Fine. Let’s get them and go!
(They enter the store.)
Jay: (To Silent Bob) Hey! Ton’s Of Fun! Don’t we know those guys?
(Silent Bob shakes his head)
Jay: Damn. I thought you we people who knew people!
(Once they get in the store, everyone starts milling around. Doctor goes
to get a hot dog. Scully gets her donuts. Chakotay goes to the porno
mags.)
Ciro: What are you doing Doctor?
Doctor: I’m studying these hot dogs. I have no idea what they’re made of.
Scully: (With large quantities of Hostess products under her arms) And
what about the nacho cheese?
Doctor: I don’t have the tools necessary to analyze this. I’m taking
this cheese to sickbay!
Ciro: That’s ridiculous!
Doctor: Not really, Zero!
Ciro: Ciro.
Doctor: Whatever. I’ve done it before!
(Meanwhile, Quinn is getting some coffee.)
Quinn: ‘scuse me, pal. Need to get the sugar!
Rickman: Okay.
(A double take as they see each other)
Quinn: Rickman!
Rickman: Quinn!
Logan: QUINN? WHERE?
(Logan sees Quinn and runs right at him. Bumping into Rickman, making
him spill hot coffee all over himself)
Rickman: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Rickman passes out from the pain)
Logan: That’s it, Mallory! You’re dead!
Doctor: (still looking at the hot dog) I wonder what happens when I do
this?
(Doctor stabs it with a fork. The dog is so strong it shoots out of the
bun and hits her square in the forehead, knocking her out.)
Quinn: Think they’re some of the minions?
Ciro: Absolutely. Let’s get them out of here.
Quinn: YOUR job prettyboy!
(Ciro drags Logan and Rickman’s asses out of there as Chakotay purchases
something.)
Scully: Let’s go Chakotay! What are you buying?
Chakotay: The newest copy of ASS Y’ALL magazine.
Scully: That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen.
Randal: You think THAT’S offensive? Check this out!
(Randal shows another porno mag to Scully)
Randal: I think you can see her kidneys!
Dante: MAN! Would you stop doing that?
Chakotay :Yeah! That’s bad business!
(Randal spits water at Chakotay)
Scully: (Laughing) Let’s go, Tattoo!
(The group leaves)
Dante: Man, what a bunch of assholes!
Randal: I could do without those kind of customers.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of them.
Quinn: This reminds me. What’s up with the other groups?
Doctor: We’ll find out. AFTER THESE MESSAGES!
Quinn: What?
Doctor: Promotion. Shut up!
=====================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
--------
Tonight! On UPN and WB! An all new series from the makers of Voyager!
Written by Kevin Williamson!
The crew has gone through a bizarre fog...or a transporter accident...or
some shit!
Who cares? It’s all the same shit on Voyager.
Anyways! The ‘thing’ de-ages the into and today’s hottest young actors
and actresses’!
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Janeway!
Freddie Prinze Jr. as Chakotay!
Neve Campbell as Torres!
Drew Barrymore as Seven!
Matt Damon as Paris!
Ben Affleck as The Doctor!
Matthew Lillard as Neelix!
LL Cool J as Tuvok!
And the Olsen twins as Harry Kim!
SOMEONE HAS TAKEN THEIR LOVE OF TREK TOO FAR!
Voice from the communicator: Tell me, Janeway! What’s your favorite Trek
episode?
Janeway: I like tribbles!
Voice from the communicator: God, You’re stupid!
Chakotay: FUUUUCCCKKK YOOOOUUUU!
FROM UPN/WB! Our motto: Who gives a rat’s ass?
=====================================
(We join now the group of Mulder, Rembrandt, Kung Lao, Kim and Tuvok in
a Denny’s. Yes, we know it’s not fast food but they ARE evil!)
Mulder: So is everyone happy?
Rembrandt: No. Can I get some service here?
Tuvok: I, also, have not recieved service. Is there something wrong with
this place?
Kim: This place sucks! No kid’s meals!
Mulder: Well cheer up! Take solace in the fact that EVERYONE is just as
miserable in a Denny’s!
Kung Lao: Why?
Mulder: Denny’s sucks! Jesus! Haven’t you pieced it together yet?
(A waiter comes up to them)
Waiter: Hi! Welcome to Denny’s have you tried our Grand Slam breakfast
meal?
Rembrandt: But it’s 5pm!
Waiter: Whatever.
Mulder: I’ll have some donu----(Looks up and realizes who the waiter is)
Mulder: KRYCEK! You sonuva---(Tackles the waiter and starts punching
him)
Waiter: WAIT! I’M NOT KRYCEK!
Mulder: Then who are you?
Waiter: I’m "actor" Nicholas Lea! I’m working here cause I need the
money!
Mulder: Oh. Sorry. My bad.
(Mulder gets off Nicholas)
Mulder: But THIS is for that crappy remake of Once A Thief!
(Mulder punches Nicholas)
Nicholas: I get that a lot. (Nicholas Lea Leaves)
Cancer Man: Pestering the help, Mulder?
Mulder: CANCER MAN! You sonova-- Oh wait, I already said that!
You....old fart!
Cancer Man: Ohh..I’m hurt!
Mulder: Not yet, but you will be!
Krycek: (Pulls out a gun) Not so fast!
Rembrandt: Wait! You just left!
Krycek: No! That was the guy who plays me! I’m here now!
Mulder: Yeah, right! And next thing you’ll be saying is that I’m not
really Mulder. I’m just that guy who hosts Red Shoe Diaries!
(Laughs)
(Everyone else is silent.)
Mulder: What?
Cancer man: Never mind! We’re going to bring you to our master, now. Ha HA!
Krycek: Yeah! Ha HA!
Kung Lao: Not if I have anything to say about it!
Krycek: Who are you?
Kim: He’s Kung Pao!
Kung Lao: That’s Kung LAO!
Kim: Whatever.
Krycek: C’mon! Let’s throw down, bee-yotch!
Kung Lao: HIIYAAA!
(In a stunning display of martial arts, Kung Lao is gracefully kicking
the shit out of Krycek. The fight moves all around the Denny’s and Kung
Lao uses all utensils, dishes, and food products to
beat up Krycek.)
Krycek: AHHH! THERE’S CHEESE IN MY EYES!
(Kung Lao continues to beat up Krycek and even drink a cup of coffee at
the same time)
Rembrandt: (singing) Everybody was kung fu fighting!
Tuvok: Stop that!
Rembrandt: Sorry.
(Kung Lao is STILL beating up Krycek. Mulder finally tires of this and
shoots Krycek in the kneecaps)
Cancer Man: Hey! That’s cheating!
Mulder: Piss off! Go to bed, old man!
Cancer Man: Why you little--(Passes out from the Vulcan Neck Pinch)
Mulder: Thanks, Tuvok. You saved me!
Tuvok: I was not trying to help you! the smoke eminating from this yahoo
was making my sinuses go nutty.
Mulder: Oh. Let’s get out of here then!
Kung Lao: Who’s going to drag Krycek and Cancer Man back with us?
Tuvok: I will handle this. Harry?
Kim: Yeah?
Tuvok: You will help drag these worthless piles of wormshit to the park
with us.
Kim: Why?
Tuvok: I’m ordering you to.
Kim: So?
Tuvok: I am..."pulling rank" as they say.
Kim: (Sadly) Okay.
Rembrandt: Get to it, Squeak!
Kim: Don’t call me Squeak!
Mulder: Whatever, bitch. Get ta steppin!
(Kim sighs and starts to drag Cancer Man and Krycek away. The rest of
the group follows and charges the meal on Nicholas Lea’s credit card!
Meanwhile...At a abandoned warehouse in Manhattan! Wait a minute!
Abandoned warehouse? In MANHATTAN? What the hell? Whatever...Anyways...)
Mysterious Voice #1: Sir! Another two of our minions have been caught!
What do we do?
Mysterious Voice #2: Nothing. We still have one more team left!
Mysterious Voice #1: And if they get caught?
Mysterious Voice #2: Then we must expose ourselves! Do the jobs
ourselves!
Mysterious Voice #1: Not a good idea in your case, sir!
Mysterious Voice #2: Whatever. THE DEVOURER SHALL CONQUER!
Mysterious Voice #1: Riiiiiight.
WHO IS THE DEVOURER???
WHO IS THE OTHER GUY???
WILL THE OTHER TEAM PREVAIL???
DOES NICHOLAS LEA DESERVE ACTING JOBS???
IF PART 4 WAS CALLED "NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE, NIPPLAGE!" WHY WASN’T
THERE ANY???
Spider-Man: There will be in part five!!!
COOL!!! JOIN US FOR ALL THAT AND THE REVELATION OF WHO THE
DEVOURER IS IN SELL-OUT PART 5: GETTIN’ JIGGY WIT’ IT!
CONTINUE