Star Wars/Sliders Crossover Script for those who wish to read something this dumb.
BEFORE READING THIS, I RECOMMEND READING DONNER'S HILARIOUS STAR TREK/SLIDERS CROSSOVER. IF YOU DON'T, THEN DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!~!~!~!~!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
(Star Wars Intro)
After blowing up the Death Star and in general making a real mess of things, Luke Skywalker moved in to Yavin 4 and just pretty much did way to many unthinkable good deeds.
Leia Organa, on the other hand, decided to fly around with Han Solo, but unfortunately was abducted by Darth Vader onto the Super Star Destroyer, away from her lover and driver Han Solo. Han, upon witnessing this, jumped for joy because he wouldn't have to listen to her whining and gawking. Han then went to Dagobah, to meet Yoda before Luke could so that HE could learn the force before Luke could and go, "Nanny nanny poo poo" in Luke's face.
Luke, being the main character and goody-two-shoes in this story, flew his X-wing to the Super Star Destroyer to rescue Leia. Darth Vader is considering whether or not to kill Leia. While Luke, traveling as pitifully fast as he can will hopefully be too late. That way, we will have one less brat in this story.
Meanwhile, in a place further away than any mentioned here before, a completely different universe in fact, Quinn Mallory, Wade Wells, Rembrandt Brown, and Professor Maxed-Out Arturo are about to slide into a completely new and exciting (yawn) universe...
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*For those of you who like to find nitpicks in stories like this and have seen or heard of CBS's Star Wars Special which aired in 1980, just try to place this script in between the Star Wars Special and The Empire Strikes back.
___________________________________________________________________________________________ Leia is locked in a jail cell with bars arguing with Vader who is on the other side of the bars. Vader:AM NOT!!! Leia:ARE TOO!! Artoo:Beep beep beep boop! Leia:Not you!!! ARE T- Wait a minute! Artoo, what are you doing here? You're with Luke!! Get off this set! Artoo:(leaves set) boop beeooooop. Vader:AM NOT!! Leia:ARE TOO! Vader:AM NOT! Leia:ARE TOO! Vader:I AM NOT a flea with a butt bigger than Maximillian Arturo's, and that's final!!!! Leia moves in her seat. Leia:(under her breath)Are too! Vader:OK, It says here in the script that I have to decide whether or not to kill you. How about a coin toss?? Leia:OK, here's a dime. If it's heads I win, if it's tails, you lose. Vader:Sure. Vader flips the coin. Vader:It's heads, you win. Leia:Good. Leia sits up straight and smiles. She takes out some wool and starts to knit. Vader:OK, you won, so here's your lethal injection. Leia:HEY!! I won!! Vader:I know. If you lost, you'd have your head chopped off. Leia:Ouch. Vader:Here you go.(Vader moves needle up to her baby soft skin) Leia: LUKE!! If you're planning any daring rescues, you'd better hurry up!! Luke barges in and frees Leia with his lightsaber Oh, darn. Looks like we're stuck with Leia for a few more sequels. Leia:Hey!! If you say that one more time, I'll have you fired!! You can't fire me, I'm union. Leia: Rats. Luke:Say your prayers, Vader!! Luke and Vader endulge in a boring action sequence, which results with Luke standing up from being knocked down, only to realize that Vader threw Luke's lightsaber out the window. Luke: Haha... I'm better than-(Luke looks at Vader's lightsaber which just so happens to be pointed at Luke's head and doesn't appear to be going anywhere except forward) -AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Vader turns off lightsaber. Luke:Oh..Admitting defeat, ehh?? Vader:No, I just don't like the sight of blood. Vader holds up left hand and clenches it into a fist. Luke:Uhhhhh...What are you doing?? Vader looks at hand. Vader:Ooops. Wrong hand. Vader holds up RIGHT hand and clenches fist. Luke falls to the floor gasping. Luke:AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (cough, cough) Vader puts on foot on Luke and gloats over victory. Vader:Hahahahaha!!! Leia:Hello??? Anybody home??? I'm still here and I'm free. Vader:Who cares about you, you're just a girl!! I can beat you with one hand tied behind my back. Leia walks up to Vader, knees him in groin, and slaps him in the face, knocking him out. Vader collapses. Leia:MALE SEXIST PIG!!!!!!! Meanwhile... The Sliders are preparing for a slide. Arturo:Well, ladies we'd better be going. Quinn:Sorry we couldn't stay longer. Lavern:That's alright, it's happened before, it can happen again. Shirley: Be coming back soon?? Quinn:Actually, that's not up to me. It depends on- Lavern: On however the timer reacts with multidimensional coordinates, which control the new destination of your slide?? Quinn:Actually, it depends on what the scriptwriters want to do. Shirley: You think we'll make it on the rec.arts.sliders.board, yet?? Quinn: Probably not. Shirley: Ohhhh.... Quinn: Don't worry, you might make it as a...four minute world!! Shirley:That's alright then. Timer beeps. Vortex opens. Lavern:Hey Rembrandt! I made another fruitcake for you! Rembrandt:Thanks honey...I love fruitcake!! Quinn:Remmy, that's how we- Shirley "accidentally" kicks Quinn into the vortex. Arturo:Indy!! Wait for me!! Everyone else jumps in. I mean, The sliders jump in, but Shirley and Lavern don't avoid jumping in. No, I mean they stayed behind. Shirley and Lavern that is. Yeah, the Sliders jump in, and no one else does. Anyway the vortex, changes color, shimmers, and fluctuates. Lavern:It IS supposed to do that!! And all this time I though it was just that once... Shirley:Four-minute world my ass!! Meanwhile...In a another universe, a long time ago, AND a galaxy far, far, away... Quinn:Rembrandt! You took that fruitcake again!! That's how we ended up with baldy and crew!! Rembrandt:Exactly!! Here, everyone thinks I'm the best musician of all time. Arturo:You blistering idiot!!! Now we're 300 years in the future again!! Do you know what they did to me here???? Wade:Excu-uuuse me!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but have I not had a single line so far in this ENTIRE SCENE!!!!! Arturo:Young lady, calm down. You didn't get any lines because you're a girl. You don't need lines. What you need is to give me a nice back rub and- Wade knees Arturo in groin, and slaps him. Arturo collapses. Wade:MALE SEXIST PIG!!!!! COMMERCIAL BREAK ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Han Solo & Threepio are talking to Yoda Han: Okay, you've got your three-way radio communicator, this rare Pre-Cologne Wars diamond necklace, two whole boxes of Rustler's Stove Chocolates, and I'll even throw in this weird little pin thingy here that you like put on your nipple or something and kind of slap it and you can talk to the people on a ship or something somwhere, I think. Yoda: Ooooo...it is a deal, then. It shall be ready Tuesday. Han:What? I need to learn the force NOW. Before Luke gets here, otherwise he'll tell on me and I'll be fired for sure. Yoda:Ah...but fire you, they cannot. Han:Why not?? Yoda:Union, you are. Han:Oh, yeah... But what about my training lessons?? Yoda:Ready on Tuesday, they shall be. Han:Oh darn. (pause) Hey, you got anyhting to do around here?? Yoda:Place of fun, there is. Over the hill, Dan's Casino there is. Han:Hmmm, sounds like fun. Threepio:I wouldn't advise that, sir. The stories I hear about what they do to droids over there are just maddening. Han:Then stay here in the swamp. Threepio:But, sir... Han and Yoda walk away over a hill, while Threepio follows along very closely. Meanwhile... The Sliders are in a docking bay. Arturo is regaining consciuosness Arturo:Just five more minutes mom, I'll be up in a...wait a minute. Oh, yes. Here. (to Wade) Why the devil did you do that young lady??? Wade:Of all the nerve!! Why did I do that?? You're even stupider than you look! Arturo:Now just a minute, young lady!!! All I did was- Quinn:Guys, guys, we don't have time to argue. Thanks to Rembrandt, we're stuck 300 years in the furture for over a week. Rembrandt:Hey! Look on the bright side. Here, everyone thinks I'm a superstar. (Looks around and walks over to the only person there, a security droid) Hello, sir, uhhh..., do you know me?? Droid:Negative. I am a security droid. My memory unit contains profiles only of those who disobey the law. Rembrandt:Okay, uhhh...bye. Wade:Yeah, they sure remember you alright. Even if they did, that wouldn't do us any good, now, would it?? Rembrandt:Uhhh... Arturo:Enough of this. It won't do any good to just stand around here bickering over fruitcake. We must find a way to contact that U.S.S. Enterprise thing. Quinn:I believe it was called- Arturo:I know what it's called, Mr.Mallory!!!! Quinn:I know that you know that I know that you know, but I also know what you know and I know that you don't know what I know. Arturo:Listen, I don't know what you know, but I do know that you don't know as much as you know that you know. Quinn:Oh no? Arturo:No. Quinn:I think we should figure out where we are and how to leave. Arturo:You would. Quinn:What's that? Arturo:I said, uhh..., use wood! Quinn:That's it! Those wood boards over there look loose. Let's dismantle them. Wade:Yeah, and then we can go meet Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, R2-D2, and Darth Vader who are escaping from a Super Star Destroyer. Quinn:Who? Wade:Uhh, never mind. Just some old movie I saw, or something. The Sliders go and start tearing down the wall. Meanwhile... Voice:This ship will self destruct in 5.....4..... Leia is running down the hall with Artoo. Leia is dragging Darth Vader. Darth's fist is being held in a fist by Leia, so Luke is still choking and is being dragged along on the floor by the force. Luke:Leia..(cough) can you (cough, cough) let me go yet?? Leia:No, if I did that, you'd probably trip on a can or something. Luke:Darn (cough) Artoo:Beep boop beep beep boop boop beep beep beep boop. Leia:What is it Artoo?? (Artoo leads them down a path to an escape pod) Leia:An escape pod! Good job Artoo! Luke:I could've done that if (cough) wanted too. I just didn't (cough) feel like it, that's all. (pause) Wait! What do we do with Darth?? Leia:Oh, yeah. Ummm...We can take him back to the Rebel Alliance and use him as a hostage!! Luke:That would never (cough) work. Leia:Well, then we could- Luke:Wait! I know!(cough) Let me go. (Leia releases grip of Darth's right hand. Luke feels much better) Luke:We'll take him back to the Rebel Alliance and use him as a hostage! I'm genius! Thank you, people! You're all great! I love-YAHHH!! (Leia shoves Luke into the escape pod.) Leia:It's people like you who give people like you a bad name. Leia and the rest get in the escape pod and the escape pod jetisons. It lands on a deserted on Yavin 4. Just as it lands, the Sliders break through the wall of wood. Leia:Luke!! Look!! It's people that we accidentally forgot when we abandoned this base!! Luke:Oh goody. Arturo:Good day, madam. My name is Professor Maximillian Arturo. We are travelers from another dimension, and we need to find a ship called the U.S.S. Enterprise. Leia:Yeah? And I'm the new emperor. Arturo:Oh, my apologies, your highness. Greetings, Your highness. We are merely humble servants from another dimension who wish to seek a form of shelter. Leia:What kind of idiots are you?? That was sarcasm. If you're looking for a ship then you're at the wrong place. This docking bay has been abandoned for awhile. Although, if you come with me, I'll take you inside and we can hook up some kind of temporary comlink to the Alliance. Arturo: You Blistering idiot!!!! We just came from there and- Rembrandt: Professor, let me handle this. (to Leia) Uhh, you know me, right? Leia:Should I?? Rembrandt:Maybe this will refresh your memory. (He starts to sing) I've got tears in my fro, and they're ruining my pillow... Leia:AHHHHHHH!!!!!(She covers ears, runs and hides in a bush) Rembrandt:I've got to eat a marshmallow, or I will my nose will surely blow... Arturo:Stop that confounded noise!!! Wade:SHUT UP!! Wade slaps Rembrandt, but not hard enough to knock him out. Darn. Rembrandt:Whu? Luke:I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous. COMMERCIAL BREAK ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tonight!! Only on UPN!! It's the one and only Sliders/Star Trek: The Next Generation Crossover shown again for the last time this century!! And after that, it's the rarely seen, Star Trek/X-Files Crossover!! Followed by the Star Trek/Forrest Gump Crossover!! And tommorrow, we'll have the Star Trek/Mission: Impossible Crossover!! And the Star Trek/Star Wars Crossover!! And then on Friday we'll have a brand new Crossover!! The made for TV movie: Star Trek/Independence Day Crossover!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yoda, Han, and Threepio are in a very cool Casino. Yoda is playing the Roulette wheel, while Han and Threepio are watching. Some familiar young ladies are standing very close to Yoda, uh...encouraging him. In the background Y.O.D.A. (see www.epix.net/~killando/song2.html) can be heard playing in the background. The place looks pretty popular. Shirley:Ohhh...Come on guy, I know you can do it...ooohhh... Yoda: Ooo la la! Tickles, that does. Stop, you must. I shall concentrate. Yoda closes his eyes and starts humming the force music. Yoda:Twenty-three, you must spin to. Hmmm... Yoda moves his hand around in a circle then stops all of a sudden. The roulette wheel stops spinning and the ball stops on Red Twenty Three. Han:I have got to learn how to do this! Lavern:Oh, Yoda, I love you! Lavern kisses Yoda. Some unseen hand pushes a pile of red chips over to Yoda. Shirley:Look what that totals! That's the highest I've ever seen!! I'm gonna go cash these in! Shirley and Lavern walk offstage with the chips leaving Han and Threepio with Yoda. Threepio:Master Solo, the odds of Jedi Master Yoda winning that many chips in two minutes were approximately 9999999999.999999989999 to 1. Han:Immpressive, huh? Yoda:Ahh, the Force it was. Credit, I take none. Han:You're saying that you had nothing to do with all that cash you just won? Yoda:Correct, you are. The money, it goes to The FORCE. Han:How can you give money to the Force. Yoda:Mistaken, you are. It goes to the F-O-R-C-E. The Federation Of Ridiculous Childish Entertainers. Han:Who are they? Yoda:Lavern and Shirley, their names are. Han:Wha? Lavern and Shirley walk back with their arms full of cash. Lavern:Ooohh, is little Yoda ready for his little nighty-night? Yoda:Ready, I am not. Shirley:Then does little Yoda want 'is little bed-bye story? Yoda:Story, I do not want. Lavern:Then does little Yoda wanna play patty-cake? Yoda:For you two to be gone, I want. Lavern:Fine then! And you can forget about your free snacktime tommorow! Lavern and Shirley leave. Han:Come on, Yoda, let's go. I want to learn the force, but let's go to a nice diner first. I'm starving. Yoda:Food, I do want. Han, Yoda, and Threepio leave. Meanwhile... The Sliders are conversing with Luke, Leia, and R2-D2. Arturo is seated directly across from Leia. Arturo and Quinn have previously told Leia, Luke and Artoo about Sliding while we saw Han and Yoda gambling. Luke:...So there I was, my ship surrounded by three TIE fighters, Yavin 4 about to be blown into smithereens, and me in my little puny X-wing which could really use some repairs. Darth Vader, the overpowerful master of evil and very strong in the Force guy, was in the lead TIE and was targeting me with Boosted TIE Cannon. So, what do I do? Well, me with my extremely talented Force skills, turned the ship around so fast that you couldn't even see it, and and shot Vader so hard with weapons on minimum, and knocked Vader's ship into another Star System! Then, I skillfully shot one blast from my Proton Torpedoes and that big ol' Death Star went a crumbling to ashes. Leia:The way I remwmber it, you were screaming for help, and in a state of shock at the site of three TIE's and Han had to come in to save your ass. Luke:Shut up! Arturo:Now, just who is this Darth Vader person again, your highness? Leia:He's this big tall guy dresed in black. He has a- Arturo:A long black cape, and a big helmet on his head which he makes a funny breathing noise through? Leia:Why...yes. When did you meet him? Arturo:Just now. Arturo points behind Leia. When she looks, she sees Darth Vader standing there holding Artoo silent. Then, with the Force he pulls everyone at the table along with him, kinda like he did with Luke earlier. Artoo, he just carries along. What will happen to Luke, Leia, Artoo, and the Sliders? What are Han and Yoda going to do? Will Rembrandt ever learn not to take Fruitcake into other dimensions? Is Leia actually CHEWBACCA'S sister, too? These intriguing questions might be answered in the next episode of: STAR WARS: A SEXIST GALAXY Coming soon to a Website near you!CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE