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Sliders/Star Wars Crossover Script for those who wish to read something this
dumb.
Star Wars Intro music
Episode 4 and 3/4
(by Greg Engel)
Maggie and Arturo meet the Force.
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Why? I can't say. It just is.
Anyway, Luke Skywalker, after blowing up the Death Star, flew to a
Super-Star Destroyer, rescued Princess Leia, who was being held captive by
Darth Vader, and took Vader back to the Rebellion to use as a hostage. Sort
of. Whatever happened, Leia, Luke, Vader, and R2-D2 all ended up at the
deserted Yavin 4 base where the Sliders had just slid to from another
dimension because of a fruitcake problem.(Don't ask) During a little chat
between the Sliders, Luke, and Leia, Vader came up behind them and kidnapped
them with the force. Apparently, everyone just forgot about him when they met.
Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy, Han Solo had flown himself
to Dagobah, so that he could learn the force before Luke did, and also
because this week was buy-one-get-one-free week. A 375 credit value! But when
Han got to Yoda, all Yoda said was "It'll be ready on Tuesday." So Yoda took Han
and Threepio, who had been taging along with Han at the time, to Dan's Casino.
They left, off to go to some fancy diner or something.
Chewbacca, on the other hand, went to uhh, hey, where did Chewbacca go?
Come to think of it, I don't think Chewbacca was even in the first part. Hmmm...
I'll have to put him in this thing somewhere, I guess...
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Vader is questioning the Princess in an interrogation room.
Vader: Princess, this your last chance. I grow tired of asking you.
Vader puts a brand on Leia's skin.
Leia:Owwwwwww!!! I think I broke a nail!
Vader:Tell me!!!
Leia:Alright, I'll tell you! It's Peprika!! Peprika is the secret to my potato
salad!!
Vader:I now have the information I need! Your feelings have now betrayed your
Rebellion!! I am now-
Leia:The brand.
Vader:What?
Leia:The brand. You left it on my skin.
Vader:Ohh...uh..I meant to do that.
Vader removes brand from Leia's skin.
Leia:(muttering)I swear, if I had a dime for every time you messed up your
lines, I'd have enough money to vacation in Maui.
Vader presses a button on a control panel nearby.
Vader:(to comlink)Commander, we have the secret.
Commander:(over comlink)Yes, Lord Vader?
Vader:(in severe, deep voice)Peprika.
Commander:Alright, Lord Vader. We'll start working on it right away.
Vader turns off comlink.
Vader:Now, Princess, here's question number two. Where is the rebel base?
Leia:Why didn't you ask that one first?
Vader:We ask in order of importance.
Leia:But, then wouldn't you-
Vader:Look, I don't right the darn thing, some computer nerd in Maryland
does, now just answer the question!
Leia:Ok, our former one was on Yavin 4, you tried to blow it up, but our
new one will be on Dantooine.
Vader turns on comlink.
Vader:Commander, the rebel base is on-(Vader stops and looks at Leia)Wait
a minute, didn't you tell me the base was on Dantooinein the first movie,
but then it turned out to be a lie?
Leia:Yeah, it was, but we're moving back. It has better land value.
Vader:What?
Leia:Location, location, location.
Vader:Oh, yeah.
Vader:(back to comlink) Commander, it The Rebel Base IS on Dantooine.
Look harder this time.
Commander:Ok.
Vader turns off comlink.
Vader:Question three.
Leia:Oh, boy.
Vader:What is this, and how does it work?
Vader holds up timer.
Leia:Umm...I can't tell you, and it's a secret.
Vader:A-HA!
Vader turns on comlink
Vader:Science engineer?
SE:Yes, Lord Vader.
Vader:I have your requested information.
SE:So, what is it?
Vader:It's an "I can't tell you."
SE:Umm-hmm. And how does it work?
Vader: "It's a secret."
SE:Thank you Lord Vader, this information is very helpful.
Vader turns off comlink
Vader:Last question.
Leia:is....?
Vader:List three examples of how student presentations have helped reduce
marijuana use over the last five years.
Leia:Oh no! It's a-
Vader:Yes. It's a LINDALE/BROOKLYN PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL MILESTONE ASSESSMENT
QUESTION!!!
Leia:Ohhhh....
Leia faints.
Later...
Leia is being thrown into a jail cell. The sliders, Luke, and Artoo are
occupying it. Leia is slightly awake now.
Quinn:So, how'd it go?
Leia:They asked me...a...a...Lindale/Brooklyn......ohhh...
Leia passes out, again.
Quinn:A what? What did they ask you???
Arturo:Blistering Idiot! She can't stay awake for three seconds without
someone slapping here in the face.
Guard walks in
Guard:Mr. Mallory, you are the next for interrogation.
Quinn walks into interrogation room.
Vader:It has been made clear to us that your Princess lied to us.
Quinn:About what?
Vader:This.
Vader holds up Timer
Vader:We have already discovered that this is a new lightsaber. You
cannot hide that from us. Now tell me, how does it work?
Quinn:Have you opened it, or in any way tampered with its controls?
Vader:Uhh..Yes.
Quinn:So much for the warranty.
Vader:What?
Quinn:Nothing. It works when the timer counts to zero. When that happens,
a votex opens into another dimension. That's how we got here. If you
would like a tour of the multi-universe, I can sell you this Parallel
Earth Sliding Kit, for the low price of-
Vader:Sliding kits do not concern me, Mr. Mallory.
Quinn:Oh. Well, if that's all you need to know, then-
Vader:Not so fast. How do you ignite this lightsaber.
Quinn:It's not a lightsaber. It's a timer. When-
Vader:I know, I know, you told me that already.
Quinn:Then, I can go?
Vader:No. List three examples of how student presentations have helped
reduce teen drug use over the last five years.
Quinn:AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Kromagg voice:These four tryed to escape the Kromagg empire. They
slid away from us, but we put a homing device on them. The homing
device was lost. These four are deadly criminals. Watch for full details
tonight on Kromagg Empire's Most Wanted. Tonight. Only on Non-Stop FOX.
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Han, Yoda, and Threepio are in a diner. Over to their left is a dancing
alien. Han is watching it.
Han:Hey, isn't that what happened in that movie...umm, Space...Space...
Space-spheres? No, that's not it, hmm...
Yoda:Seated, we must be.
Han:Hmmm? Oh yeah, that's right.
Yoda, Han, and Threepio walk over to a table. Camera zooms in on alien.
Alien:Hello, my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal...
Sammy ya kissed my wife...baby my hearts on fire!
If you refuse me, honey, ya lose me, then you'll be left alone
Oh baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own!
Lone Star & Barf:Check, please.
Han:Is it like this all the time?
Yoda:Yes, but food is good, yes, yes...
Han:Ya know, I coulda sworn that guy over there was that same guy who
starred in that Independence Day movie or something. Do you know who he
is?
Yoda:Know him, I do not. Come, we must eat.
Threepio:Master Solo, might I ask where your faithful wookie is?
Han:Sure, go ahead.
Threepio:Well then-
Waitress walks over to table and interrupts Threepio
Waitress:So what'll it be?
Yoda:The #4513, we shall have.
Waitress:'Kay.
Waitress leaves
Han:So, Yoda, what have you been up to lately?
Yoda:Another day, another Jedi.
Han:I see.
Yoda:No you don't.
Threepio:Master Solo, you never told me exactly where your Wookie
companion is.
Han:He's taking good care of himself, I'm sure.
Threepio:But-
A different waitress returns. This one looks familiar.
Waitress:Hi. Ya order's here, honey.
Yoda:Oh no.
Waitress:Something the matter, sweetheart?
Yoda:Fine, I shall be.
Waitress:'Kay.
Waitress leaves.
Yoda:Followed, we have been.
Han:By-
Yoda:By the FORCE.
Han:Oh no!!
Meanwhile...
Greg, Donner, Tracy Torme, and George Lucas are arguing with the actors.
Arturo:Now, look, I still don't see how this makes any sense. You're
replacing me with Maggie in the middle of an episode. That makes no
sense whatsoever! This thing was started before The Exodus, so it should
be finished before the Exodus! You can't change characters in the middle
of the show, it breaks just about every law of continuity.
Greg:Look, how about this: We put Maggie in, and don't take anyone out.
That way, Maggie droolers will be satisfied, and so will the few (if any)
Arturo droolers.
Arturo:But why the devil are we doing this??
Greg:Because I said so!
Donner:Because it's funny!
Tracy Torme:Because the ratings suck!
George Lucas:Because anything with the Star Wars name on it is bound to
make millions!
Gary Owens voice:Guys, you might find it interesting to know that this
is on tape!
Donner:Only you could say that and sound happy.
Vader:Look, let's get back to what we're not getting paid for.
Greg:Right, everyone off the set.
Everyone leaves except for Quinn, Wade, Rembrandt, Arturo, Maggie, and Leia.
They are in the cell, listening to Luke's screams.
Luke:Ahhhhhhh!! Ow-owwww!!!!
After a few more screams, Luke emerges from the interrogation room.
Luke:Man, what happened to my stunt double?
Leia:She quit yesterday.
Luke:She WHAT??
Leia:She quit. Now let's try to find a way out of here.
Maggie:Aren't there certain procedures for being captured in an old movie?
Leia:The Rebellion doesn't have procedures. Fighting against evil is about
improvising.
Wade:Well, isn't THIS redundant!
Leia:What is?
Quinn:Never mind. Before we escape, we have to get the timer back.
Rembrandt:Maybe if I sing to them, they'll be in awe at how good I am and
give us anything that they wanted.
Wade:Get real.
Quinn:Hey, what's this?
Quinn picks up a small round metal shiny object.
Quinn:It's a...homing device.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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My name is Scotty Pippen. That's right, the famous Basketball player. I'd like
to complain about all those dumb idiots on radio commercials that say, "Oh, gee,
I'm Scotty Pippen, the one from Scotland, and like McDonald's fries just as much
as the basketball player does and I don't get to do a commercial. It's not fair."
Well, I'd like to say something. You wanna know why I get to do all those
commercials? It's because I'm famous! I'm a professional basketball player and I
make millions more than I should. That's why I get to do the McDonald's
commercials and you don't! I get to do McDonald's commercials and you don't! I
get to do McDonald's commercials and you don't! I get to do McDonald's
commercials and you don't! I get to do McDonald's commercials and you don't! I
get to do McDonald's commercials and you don't! I get to do McDonald's
commercials and you don't! I get to do....
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Yoda, Han, and Threepio are rushing to the Millenium Falcon, they are being
chased by the FORCE. Threepio, however, is not moving very fast.
Yoda:Faster, we must go!!
Han:I know, I know!
Shirley:Come here, itty-bitty little green thing!
Lavern:The FORCE is with you!
Threepio:Master Solo, wait for me!
Yoda and Han reach the Millenium Falcon, get in, and take off.
Threepio:Wait! Master Solo, come back!
The Millenium Falcon turns around and heads back for Threepio, who is picked up
via mechanical claw which drags him along as the Millenium Falcon makes a jump
through hyperspace.
Meanwhile...
Chewbacca is preparing a little shuttle for a rescue escapade. When he finishes,
he takes off saying telepathically:
Chewie:Leia, I'm coming.
The shuttle takes off into hyperspace.
Meanwhile...
Rembrandt is singing again, the rest of the group screams in agony.
Rembrandt:Oh-oh...those tears, the tears in my fro....
Luke:Make it stop!
Arturo:I want to live again!!
Artoo:Beep, beep-beep, BOOP, BEEP-BEEP, whistle.
Artoo short circuits and trnasforms himself into a mess instantaneously.
Leia:We've lost Artoo!
Maggie:I promise Mallory, if you make it stop, I'll try my very hardest to
forget your face, I PROMISE, just make it stop!!
Quinn:I can't...ahhhh!!!
Leia gets a telepathic call.
Chewie:Leia, I'm coming
Leia:We're being rescued. Now shut up!
Rembrandt stops his singing.
Leia:My brother, Chewbacca, is coming to rescue us, so everyone just be
quiet and wait, abd everything will be alright.
Wade:Yes ma'am.(sarcastically)
Leia:Shut up.
How is Chewbacca planning to rescue the gang from Vader's Super-Star
Destroyer? What will happen to Yoda and Han? Will the FORCE catch up? How
did Maggie work her way into this? Will Gary Owens ever get a real job?
These intriging questions might be answered in the third and final
installment of:
STAR WARS: FRUITCAKE SUCKS
Coming Soon to this Website!!
E-mail the Author of this parody!