Sisko: STAR TREK GOD!!! by Phil Moyer Benjamin Sisko sat in his ready room on the Deep Space Nine space station. He was bored. Sisko: I’m bored. I know, I’ll check what my crew is doing. And he did. Sisko: Hey gang. Are you up for a game of baseball in the holosuites. O’Brien: You moron! Sisko: Chief? Worf: Baseball blows. Sisko: Now you take that back! Ezri: Face it Ben. You need help. Just becasue you’re practically God to the Bajorans, doesn’t mean that we’re going to feel privileged to play some stupid game with you. Kira: Yeah. Who are the Bajorans anyway? Oh, wait... Sisko: But old man... Ezri: Stop! I bring youth and breasts to this show. So don’t call me old man!!! Bashir: You’re almost as pathetic as me, captain. Sisko: Don’t go THAT hard on me doctor. How about one of those James Bond adventures? You and me, what do you say? Bashir: I say you go back to your ready room and leave us alone. Sisko: Fine. SPLASH Sisko: What’s this bucket of water doing sitting in the middle of the floor? I stepped right in it. Nog: Odo was kind of regenerating in there. Kira: You stepped in him! My boyfriend has damaged goods! Sisko: Yuck. Why didn’t you warn me about that Nog? Nog: Sorry captain, I was busy working on a captain Kirk hologram . He was the best captain of all time. You couldn’t be half the captain he was. Maybe a fourth... Sisko: Alright! I’m going to my ready room. He sat in his chair when suddenly he had a vision. A vision from Sisko: The Prophets! Voices of the Prophets: The Sisko has thus far been a disappointing failure. Sisko: Where are you? I can’t see you. Prophets in O’Brien’s form: You moron! Sisko: Why am I a moron? Bashir Prophet: Your crew hates you. And so you sit in your little ready room type place thinking about baseball all day. When you could do such much more. Sisko: More? Like what? Think about football? Kira Prophet: There’s a reason that all of those Bajorans look up to you. You’re the Emissary. You have special powers. Sisko: I do? Ezri Prophet: Of course you do. O’Brien Prophet: You moron! Nog Prophet: Just go out there and you’ll see. Sisko wasn’t much of a decision maker himself, so he did as he was told and once the vision ended. Who was he to argue with the Prophets anyway? He wet his pants when ever he went into one of those vision things, they were scary afterall. He went out to the bridge. The crew was scared. Sisko: What’s going on? Worf: Julian spilled the coffee pot and now Colonel Kira is trapped in a dry spot inside that sea of coffee. Ezri: Somebody save her! Odo: I’ll do it! Sisko: No. Stand back. I will. Benjamin Sisko walked right on top of the coffee soaked floor and reached his hand out to Kira. O"Brien: He’s walking on water! It’s a miracle! Odo: No it isn’t. He’s just walking on coffee spilled on the floor. Anyone can do that. Ezri: Shut up Odo! Can’t you see ther’s a miracle taking place before your eyes? Sisko: Come Kira. You can walk on water too if you have faith. She tried. Kira: Ouch!!! At least I’m safe now. But I was burned. Sisko: That was because you doubted, lacked faith. Odo: Nonsense. It’s becasue she walked over hot coffee with bear feet. Kira: I will follow you Emissary until you can teach me to have faith. The crew stared at Sisko as he sat in his captain’s chair. They were waiting for the next miracle to happen. Odo: This is ridiculous. Ezri: Shhhhh. He’s thinking. Kira: Emissary! I’m recieving a report from the Promenade. Everyone is starving. They are too cheap to buy food. Sisko: Bring them all to the bridge in large groups. Bashir: You can’t possibly feed them all captain. The only food we have up here is three small fishies and a loaf of bread that Worf keep under his console for a mid noon snack. Worf: Grrrrr... The Deep Space Nine citizens loaded onto the bridge. And Sisko fed them all a hearty meal. And after they were all full to the point of a mild stomach ache, there was still seven baskets of food remaining. Kira: What a miracle! Bashir: That was the most miraculous miracle I’ve ever seen. Worf: That did in fact kick major a.... Odo: Miracle! Are you kidding me? He used a replicator for Christ’s sake! O’Brien: Christ? Hey there Odo, religion has nothing to do with this story, so back of. Come on Julian, let’s go play darts. Bashir: Anywhere that Odo’s not at is a good place to be. Sisko: Yes, come my apostles. Let us go to Quarks. Everyone but Odo: Hurray! Odo: I’m coming too. Nog: Odo, you’re such a JU... dis Iscariot. Kira: We have to break up Odo. Odo: But why? Kira: Because not only are you becoming very annoying but you are also the only shape shifter who needs Viagra to get it up. They all went to Quarks. Quark: Hello there Emissary. I’ve been hearing of your ‘good works’. But you’re going to put me out of business if you keep miraculously feeding people, so knock it off. Why don’t you go play Dabbo? It’ll take more than a miracle to make you win after the way I have the table rigged. Sisko began overturning the money tables, spilling the money from the overturned tables. Sisko: Stop defiling my father’s house! Odo: Your father lives in New Orleans. They didn’t want to admit it but Odo was right. They were confused as to what to say. Everyone: Ummmmm..... Sisko: Gambling is bad. Everyone: Down with gambling! Kill Quark! Worf grabbed Quark by the neck and slammed him againstg the wall. Worf: Woof! Quark: I can tell you guys are all stressed out so what do you say DRINKS ON THE HOUSE! Sisko: Alcohol is bad. Worf: It is? Everyone: Awwwww. That s... Sisko: Eh-eh-eh. Cursing is bad too. But I’m going to let the drinking thing slide this time. Everyone: Hurray! Kira: That’s my Emissary! And they all rejoiced until Rom: Ahhhhhh! Bashir: Oops. O’Brien: My god Julian! You hit Rom with a dart! Right in the leg! Bashir: I think he’s dead. Well, nothing I can do to help him. Kira: What about the Sisko? The Sisko can help! Sisko pulled the dart out of Rom’s leg and placed a band aid over the bloodless puncture wound. Rom: I’m alive! Kira: He resurrected him! Everyone: Hurray!!! Odo: Oh please, it was only a wound in the leg. Nog: Emissary, IS Odo the Devil? Sisko: I’m not going to say that Odo is the antichrist... I’m just going to hint at it. Odo: This is madness. You are all crazy!!! O’Brien: Hey, aren’t we at war with you Founder type peoples? Yeah, I think we are. We’ll kill you later. Sisko: Yes, good Miles. We will kill him later. For right now we will go to Mounting Pylon two where I will teach you more words of wisdom. And they did all go to Mounting Pylon Two. And it was a historical gospel he told. An event that went on to be called The Sermon on the Mount... ing Pylon. He taught the most wise words of wisdom and prophecies and illustrations. Sisko: And that’s the story of the boy who called wolf. Everyone: Wowwww... Odo: Kill me now. Geordi La Forge: I think this was a bad place to take shore leave to. People here are strange. Kira: What’s that thing on your face? Geordi: Well I was born blind... Kira: And now you can see? Geordi: Yes... Kira: Hey, the Sisko cured this blind guy! Everyone: Wowwww.... Geordi: But... Odo: Just go with it. It’s easier that way. Sisko: And now I will go down to the Promenade to perform more miracles. Down on the Promenade, Rom brought Morn to Sisko. Rom: Uhhh... this guy can’t talk Mr. Emissary sir. Morn: ........... Sisko: Hmmmm, I have a feeling you CAN talk but just never had much to talk about. SO Morn, what’s your take on politics? Morn: .................... Sisko: Oh, come on. I can feel your anger. Let it all out. Morn: .....OKAY! I can’t stand these democrats! They’re throwing away all of our money right out the air locks! And who’s going to save social security? Certainly not those republican bast... Sisko: Next. Bring me your lame, deaf, crippled, and ‘other’. Ezri: Hello Benjamen, Jadzia would have wanted me to bring him. Sisko: Hello Worf. Ezri: He’s ugly, can you help him? Worf: Grrrrr... Sisko: BING. You’re cured. Ezri: Huh? He looks the same to me. Sisko: He was an ugly human, so I made him a good looking Klingon. Ezri: Uh, I guess that makes sense. Thanks. Sisko: Wait there Ezri. I didn’t cure you yet. Ezri: But there’s nothing wrong with me, although my first host could argue. Sisko clubs her hard right in the head. Ezri: The trill voices, they’re gone! I don’t hear my old hosts anymore. No gymanst, ambassador, murderer, or Jadzia anymore. Thank you. Worf: You’ve done a favor to us all. Now she is hot AND normal. Sisko: Give her a bottle of blood wine and maybe she’ll see the good looking human in you Worf. Bashir: Hey Chief, want to play darts again? O’Brien: Not with you. You killed somebody last game. Will you play darts with me Emissary? Sisko: No, not now. Now I must go rest in my office. Benjamin Sisko was just basking in the glory now. Everyone liked him, except Odo of course, but everyone hated Odo afterall. The station was pleased and he wouldn’t have to perform any miracles for a long while. Kira: Where’s the Sisko at? I haven’t seen a miracle in almost fifteen minutes! I’m getting restless! Losing faith! Let’s find him! Everyone: Yeah! Sisko: What’s going on here? Kira: We want to see more miracles! Everyone: Yeah! He was in trouble now. He didn’t know what miracle to act out this time. Maybe if he could get to a transporter he could make somebody disappear from a box or something. Maybe he could pull a rabbit out of a hat, or a scarf out of his sleave. But wait! His miracles usually just happened out of nowhere and the crowd would go with it. And now he saw a good oppurtunity. He glanced at Nog’s console and decided to be original. Sisko: Alright, how about another one of those resurrection things. they never get old. I will bring to life an icon that many are familiar with. He pushed the button and made an image of Captain Kirk appear. Kirk fixed his hair in the reflection of Sisko’s head. Kirk: Hello there. Bashir: Wow, James T. Kirk! O’Brien: Alive again! Everyone: Hurray! Odo: Oh please, It’s just Nog’s Captain Kirk hologram. Ezri: James Kirk is the best captain EVER! Sisko: I don’t know if I’d say that. Kirk: I would. Ezri: Well he certainly blows you out of the water Benjamin. Sisko: Well forget about Kirk now. I’ll do another miracle, look! Sun on, sun off, sun on, sun off, sun on... Nog: Ummm... that’s a light switch, not a miracle. Sisko: Oh, oops. My mistake... damnit. Jake: So tell us about that Kobashi Maru thinger captain Kirk. Kirk: Alright. Captain Sisko was losing attention, and certainly not being recognized as the Emissary he is. He had to take action fast. Sisko: I have decided that other people need to see my miracles so I can be better use to the universe. O’Brien, ready the Deifant. O’Brien: Shhhh. Kirk’s talking right now. Sisko: I said ready my ship Chief! Kirk: What does God need with a star ship? Sisko: Butt out hologram! Kirk: You didn’t answer my question. What does God need with a star ship? Sisko: Ummmm.... stuff. Worf: He’s lying. Kill God! Bashir: You mean captain Sisko? Worf: Whatever, as long as we kill someone. Everyone: Yeah! Kira: We’ll burn him at the stake! Nog: Or better yet. Nail him to a pole! Odo: It’s about time. Everyone: Yeah! Sisko: Gulp. Sisko was pretty much screwed as they started to light torches on he bridge. That’s when he had another vision. O’Brien Prophet: You moron! Julian Prophet: Why do we even bother with you anymore Emissary? Kira: We’re going to cut you some slack and forget this ever happened and get you out of this mess. End of Prophecy. Morn: Hey guys come look. The Federation President had another affair. COme look at how ugly THIS one is. Bashir: Hmmm, Morn was she one of those wahtchamacallits? Morn and Nog simultaneously: Interns? Nog: Jinx! Morn: Aw, damn. Not again. And Sisko went back to himself, dreaming of SIsko: Baaaaseball. Mmmmm... HAPPY END