by Lloyd
*****
In a perfect world, in a perfect dimension, on a perfect Network, this
would be my dream 2 hour Sliders movie for the Series Finale!
The brillant blue swirling vortex opens up in the middle of a crowded bar
in the Dominion Hotel on Casablanca Earth! Casablanca Earth diverged from
Earth Prime both historically & ideologically since color was never
invented so this world is completely black & white. Maggie slides out
first and then Remmy, Quinn, & Wade miraculously all seem to have a
perfect aim and land on top of Maggie (of course, Quinn enjoyed it most
since he likes to be on top).
Maggie (angry)
Okay, the first time was kinky, but now it's just ridiculous!
Remmy (snickering)
Hey, it's not like we were aiming or anything.
As the Sliders get up from the pile, they're shocked to find themselves
back in San Francisco in the Last Chance Bar & Grill. Surprisingly, Wing,
Pavel, Ross J. Kelley, Artie, Michael Hurley, & Quinn's 4 parents were all
sitting around having a beer while Diggs acted like a reject from the
movie "Cocktails." But, of course, none of the bystanders even notice the
Sliders sliding out of the vortex. Suddenly, Quinn spots a little COW,
Chick of the Week, having trouble tying her shoelaces...
Quinn (with a William Shatner accent)
Got... to... help... the... chick... of... the... week...
Wade
NO! Quinn sit! Stay! Don't make me give you a Time Out! Sheesh!
Can't you think more with your brain and less with your pants!
No wonder men are the weaker sex! How MALE of you!
Maggie (looking out of the window)
Oh, look, it's a Giant Radioactive Cannibalistic Mutant Gerbil!
Wade, can I pet it? Can I? Can I? Oh, please! Pretty please!
Wade
ARGH! Maggie, how many times have I told you that your tight
fitting T-Shirts are cutting off the oxygen to your brain.
Remmy, why don't you make yourself useful and sing a song.
For the next 30 minutes, Remmy sings all his hits from his gold record,
Topless. Unfortunately, only available on 8-Track on this Earth.
Quinn
Okay, by my calculations and using the theory of a 7th Century
Arabian dung salesman, I calculate that Vampire Colonel Rickman
should be bursting through that door in 5 minutes!
Wade
Is everyone ready?
Remmy
I've got the garlic.
Quinn
I've got the wooden stakes.
Maggie
I've got holy water!
Wade
Okay, we're ready! Wait, where's Buffy!?!
Bursting through the door is Vampire Colonel Rickman, complete with fangs
and a cape to "pay homage" to some unknown B-movie. The Sliders quickly
surround the Vampire and are about to kill him and steal the Timer when
suddenly a red vortex opens up and Logan St. Clare slides out!
Logan (with a phaser aimed at Quinn's head)
Finally! I've been following you guys for the last 22 episodes!
QUINN, I WANT THE HOME COORDINATES TO MY EARTH! If you don't
give it to me now, I swear I'll reprogram all the VCRs in a
400 mile radius with my VCR-Plus enhanced Timer!
Quinn
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was going to tape "Howard
the Duck" so we could pay homage to it next week!
Suddenly another vortex opens up and The Good Professor lands
on top of Logan, knocking her unconcious!
Good Professor
Well, I'm back! (everyone in the bar cheers!) You really didn't
think *that* was the right professor, did you? Anyways, I'm
dying of a horrible, incurable disease! (everyone sighs as we
get a CLOSE UP of Maggie's breasts)
Wade
Maybe we can put you in a bubble!
Good Professor
ARGH! Wade, have you been taking your stupid pills again? Why
don't you go play hopscotch outside for awhile.
Suddenly, again, another vortex opens up and Mary & the Kromaggs appear!
Mary & the Kromaggs are bent on conquering the Multiverse and forming a
rock band. Mary & the Kromaggs' biggest hit so far was "I've Only Got
Eyes For You!"
Mary
I'm sorry we haven't been keeping in touch, but my
Evolutionary-Challenged, Kromagg-American friends got distracted
by Tori Spellings' rather large eyeballs.
Kromagg Commander Alexxis
By the way, the Kromagg Dynasty will be spun-off into another
series. It's a soap opera about these filthy rich Kromaggs.
There's Blakke & Krysttal Karringtton and I star as Alexxis.
Krysttal and Alexxis are always getting into cat fights! Oh,
wait, I almost forgot... In the name of the Kromagg Dynasty,
I declare this Earth conquered and everyone here are slaves
and we'll be eating your eyeballs! Wait, if we eat their
eyeballs, how will they watch the Kromagg Dynasty on TV. That's
definitely bad for the ratings!
Remmy
This would make a great song! I want tears in my 'fro
but the Kromaggs ate my eyeballs... la... la... la...
Kromagg Commander Alexxis
Oh, it's the Cryin' Man! Can you autograph this eyeball?!?
I promise I'm not some dranged fan! Hey, didn't my double on
Earth Prime use to date you?
Remmy
Well, well, how can I deny a fan... how about dinner... no
eyeballs, please!
Maggie
Oh, look! It's a furry Kromagg! Can I pet it? Can I? Huh?
Can I?
Suddenly, again, another vortex opens up and Bennish & the FBI
(another popular singing group and rival of Mary & the Kromaggs)
appear with guns ready.
Bennish
Whoooooooa! That was better than that time I smoked that
weed.... um... I mean they were herbal remedies for my cold...
that's it!
FBI
Well, well, Quinn... you don't know what trouble we've been
going through. We had to chose between arresting Richard Jewell
again or chasing you... um... by any chance do you now who bombed
the Atlanta Olympics? (Kromagg Commander Alexxis gets suddenly
uncomfortable)
Wade
Oh, wow, I've got to write this all down in my magical diary
that fits in my tiny pockets!
Quinn
Wait! I have to take off my shirt before this episode ends!
(Quinn takes off his shirt)
The Professor (under his breath)
Mr. Mallory can be a blistering idiot sometimes!
Now we've got the Sliders in a bar with all the recurring
characters and Vampire Colonel Rickman, Logan underneath the
Good Professor, Mary & the Kromaggs, and Bennish & the FBI...
Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, at the same precise moment,
the Space-Time Continnum starts to collapse! What a bummer!
Then suddenly, another vortex open up and Ryan appears!
Ryan (The Anti-Henry)
Ha! Ha! My plan to wipe out the Multiverse is working! Die
Scully! Die Mulder! Hey, this isn't X-File Earth!
Out of no where, Henry the Dog god of Sliding appears!
Henry
Woof!
With that single bark, Henry put things right where things once
went wrong... the FBI arrest Logan, Vampire Rickman, and Mary
& the Kromaggs. The Kromaggs are forced to become servants
and do the bidding of the humans on the Planet of the Apes.
The Sliders return to Earth Prime, but make stops at Colony
Earth to say good bye to Malcom, Clueless Earth to buy Maggie
a clue, and the Land of the Happy Midgets to heal The Professor.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, a giant pulsar crashed landed on
top of FOX headquarters...
Quinn
I think we've just landed in the FUTURE!
Wade
Um, Quinn, it's Tomorrowland at Disney Land, you dork!
THE END?!?