The Search for Snowflakes
Greetings, I am the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell, 2voc.
This is my second attempt at writing a non-U.S.S Continental
parody. I hope you enjoy it and if you have time, go read
my other parodies about the U.S.S Continental. Email your
comments to me at pilot12@excite.com.
Uhura: Captain, I am receiving a message from Starfleet
Command.
Kirk: Patch it through to my ready room, Ensign.
Uhura: I'm a Commander, not an ensign.
Kirk: Whatever you say, Lieutenant. {enters ready room}
Hello Admiral Cartwright.
Cartwright: No time for pleasantries Captain. Starfleet
is about to be threatened by a threat greater than
anything we have faced.
Kirk: The Borg?
Cartwright: The Who?
Kirk: The Borg. The Who was a band in the early 70's
and 80's.
Cartwright: Are they Swedish?
Kirk: The Who?
Cartright: No, the Borg. Are they Swedish?
Kirk: Actually, I think they're more French than
anything.
Cartwright: Doesn't sound French. Doh, you know how
expensive these communications are? When Starfleet
sees the transcription of this I'll have my head on
the guillotine.
Kirk: I thought they outlawed that years ago.
Cartwright: They'll probably bring it back for me. I
better go. Maybe the caller I.D. hasn't been
installed yet and Starfleet won't know it's me.
Kirk: Wait you didn't tell-{Cartwright leaves} Oh.
Uhura: Captain, there is a caller for you on line 1.
Kirk: Thank you Uhura. I'll take it in my ready room.
Cartwright: Sorry Jim. I forgot to tell you what this
urgent matter was about.
Kirk: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cartwright: Well never think that again. I don't want
you going around questioning Admiral's orders and
disobeying the Prime Directive.
Kirk: Oh, I would never do that.
Cartwright: And I believe you. Dang it Jim, because you
interrupted my talk last time about that stupid
German Borg geeks, I have get all dramatic again.
Kirk: My bad.
Cartwright: I was already aware of that. The Federation
is about to face the worst threat of it's existence.
Brett: I do not like you.
Cartwright: Who was that?
Kirk: I don't know. Intruder Alert! All hands,
Intruder Alert! Now what were you trying to tell
me before we were so rudley intrupted?
Cartwright: Good spelling, Kirk. How'd you pass second
grade?
Kirk: I didn't. My dad paid the teacher.
Cartwright: How do you always do this to me, Jim.
Another waste of taxpayers money going down the
drain because you distract me so much I can't stay on
the subject.
Kirk: I feel real bad.
Cartwright: Here comes the fleet Admiral, I gotta make
this fast before I'm caught. You must find two
snowflakes that are exactly alike. That may not
sound important, but trust me, it is. Go now and do
it. Cartwright out.
Kirk: Spock, please come to my ready room. I think
that's where I'm at. Let me check the previous
typings for an indication for what room you need
to come to.
Spock: I am here, Captain.
Kirk: Call me Jim.
Spock: Ok, Captain Jim.
Kirk: Just Jim. Say it with me now Jim-
Spock: Captain Jim-
Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAH! Enough.
Spock: Enough of what Captain Jim?
Kirk: Why do they spell your name with a 'c' and a 'k'
when seperate they form the same sound as they do
together?
Spock: The 'c' and the 'k' are a symbol of my future. The
'c' stands for captain and the 'k' stands for Kirk.
Vulcan names can tell the future.
Kirk: Oh. P. Q. R. S. T. U.
Spock: Captain Jim, certainly you did not call me here to
recite the alphabet.
Kirk: Actually, I did. V. W. X. Y. Z. Now I know my
ABC's next time won't you sing with me.
Spock: No.
Kirk: Why not?
Spock: Singing is irrelevent.
Kirk: Singing is not irrelevent.
Spock: Is too.
Kirk: Is not.
Spock: Is too.
Kirk: Is not.
Spock: Is too!
Kirk: Is not!
Spock: Captain Jim, it is obvious that this arguement is
getting nowhere.
Kirk: Is too.
Spock: Is not.
Kirk: Is too.
Spock: Is not.
Kirk: IS NOT!
Spock: IS TOO!
Kirk: Boom, I tricked you! You just said this arguement
is going somewhere.
Spock: Captain Jim, that is an illogical strategy. Please
tell me why you wanted me in this room before I
go on a psycho rampage and mindmelding your brain to
a computer.
Kirk: Can you really do that?
Spock: Try testing me and we will find out.
Kirk: Let's not and say we did.
Spock: A lie?
Kirk: Yes, that way I can test my hypothesis that
Vulcans can lie.
Spock: That is a lie.
Kirk: So is that, Spock.
Spock: What did you say about me?
Kirk: Nothing.
Spock: YOu just said my name.
Kirk: Nuh uh.
Spock: Liar.
Kirk: Liar liar pants on fire sitting on an electricity
wire. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your
underwear!
Spock: So so suck your toe all the way to Mexico! If you
don't, I will make you, then shove your foot down your
throat until you asphyxiate!
Kirk: No fair, that didn't rhyme.
Spock: Perhaps Not, but it's true.
Kirk: Fine, you win. The reason I called you in here is
we have a new mission from Starfleet.
Spock: Of course it's from Starfleet, who else would it be
from?
Kirk: Well, we could be ROmulan spies and they Romulan
high Command could send us orders.
Spock: No, they couldn't.
Kirk: It could happen. Anyway, the livelihood of the
Federation relies on this mission.
Spock: The Federation's livelihood always relies on our
missions. {in walk the rest of the senior
officers}
Kirk: We must find two snowflakes that are alike.
Scotty: Och, you must be kidding Captain. Everyone knows
that no two snowflakes are alike.
Spock: No, two snowflakes are alike Mr Scott, but the old
saying doesnt say anything about 3 snowflakes being
alike.
Sulu: That's a mighty big jump in logic Mr Spock.
Spock: I have developed several working hypothesis on
how to find the three alike snowflakes. I have
proven that if you can find three snowflakes alike,
then you can find two snowflakes alike.
Chekov: But vhy, Keptain? Vhy snowflakes?
Kirk: I find this hard to believe myself, but all of my
next words are true. I certainly don’t need to
say that this entire conversation must be kept quiet.
Spock: Perhaps you should say it anyway.
Kirk: Fine. This entire conversation must be kept
quiet.
Scotty: {whispers} Okay Captain.
Kirk: Not the-
Everyone: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kirk: whispers} Not the conversation. That can
be held in mormal tones of voice. {stops
whispering} We cannot tell anyone about this
conversation.
Sulu: Can we tell our selves, Captain?
Kirk: No, remember, the walls have ears.
{everyone stares suspiciously at the walls}
Now, long long ago in a place far far
away, like on Earth in 1807, the
Klingons came amd visited Earth.
Scotty: Wait a minute-
Krik: Scotty, we can't wait a minute.
Scotty: Why were there no records of this before?
Kirk: Don't worry about trivial details. The
Klingons took advantage of our scientists and
signed a treaty with every nation on
earth that if we could find to snowflakes
that were alike, we would own the
Klingon EMpire. If we couldn't find them,
they would own earth. They gave us over four
hundred years to find them, but no one ever
tried. In three days our time will be
up, and Earth will belong to the Klingons.
If we find two snowflakes that are
alike, we own the Klingon Empire.
Checkov: But no two snowflakes are alike, Keptain.
Kirk: Let Spock, explain one more time for you
simple minded fools.
Spock: The saying says no TWO snowflakes are alike. But it
doesn't say anything about THREE
snowflakes not being alike.
Uhura: {knowingly} And if we can find three snowflakes that
are alike, then we can find two
snowflakes alike.
Kirk: Then we will own the Klingon Empire.
On the bridge
Checkov: So vhere are ve going to look for flakes,
Keptin?
Kirk: Flakes? Why we have plenty aboard this ship.
Sulu: I think he means snowflakes.
Chekov: Yeah, snowflakes.
Kirk: I'm thinking maybe we can start at Risa.
Spock: Captain Jim, Risa has no snow.
Kirk: So what, there's lots of women.
Spock: We're looking for snowflakes, remember?
Kirk: You may be looking for snowflakes Spock, but
i'm looking for women.
Spock: What about the Federation?
Kirk: What about the Federation?
Spock: Funny, I have never noticed an echo in
here before.
Kirk: That's because there is no echo. That was
me.
Spock: Fascinating. You are an echo of the past?
Kirk: I am an echo of nothing. I just said the
same thing as you.
McCoy: Who forgot to tell me this parody was
starting?
Spock: Nobody forgot. we just chose not to tell
you.
Kirk: I forgot to, Bones.
Spock: Captain Jim, there is not purpose in
lying.
Kirk: Trust me Spock, there is. We're trying to
find several exactly alike snowflakes to save
the Federation.
McCoy: I suppose this was the bloody Vulcans
idea, wasn't it?
Spock: Doctor, where am I bleeding? I notice no
stains.
McCoy: You're not bleeding Spock, it's an
expression. Do you still have your stupid
katra or is it in my brain?
Scotty: Och, whose turn is it for the katra now?
Kirk: ****it Scott! That joke is very old and
I'd appreciate it if you'd go get drunk or
something!
Scotty: Gladly Captain.
Kirk: Wait, I was kidding! Rats. Never joke about
drinking around Scotty.
Sulu: Let's go to Rura Pente!
Kirk: Yes, there was lots of snow there when we
went, Bones, wasn't there?
McCoy: Stop calling me Bones. You think I look
like a bag of bones? You think I'm big
boned? Is calling me Bones your idea of
funny? Well, stop it, it isn't funny!
Kirk: Rura pente it is, then.
Now Flying to Rura Pente
Kirk: This place sure brings back memories, doesn't
it Bones?
McCoy: No.
Sulu: Doctor, you need to take a chill pill.
McCoy: I'm the Doctor, I don't a helmsmen to
prescribe medicine for me. This isn't the dark ages.
Uhura: No, but with the lights out it's pretty dark.
Chekov: Black hole, dead ahead.
Kirk: Black hole? There won't be snowflakes in
there, SWERVE SULU SWERVE!!! {too late,
they fly into the black hole}
Kirk: Scotty, I need more power!
Scotty: Mirejh oj gjrieo jviow.
Spock: {shouting} Scotty is too drunk to
understand English. I will go to
engineering!
Kirk: {shouting} Spock, I think you should go to
engineering, Scotty's to drunk to understand
English! {Spock leaves, they exit the
black hole}
Chekov: We have exited the black hole.
Kirk: Gee, thanks.
Sulu: We're at Rura Pente. {Spock comes back}
Uhura: We are being hailed.
Kirk: By Rura Pente?
Uhura: Um, no. This may sound a little weird-
Kirk: Don't make me choke it out of you.
Uhura: We are being hailed by the Enterprise.
Kirk: Just a real quick question, aren't we the
Enterprise.
Uhura: Yes.
Kirk: Are you hailing yourself again?
Uhura: No. This is a seperate ship, called the
Enterprise.
Spock: Captain, I believe we have traveled in
time. This is a future Enterprise.
Uhura: They claim to be rescuing their Captain
Kirk and Doctor McCoy.
McCoy: Spock, you idiot. This is a past
Enterprise, not a future Enterprise.
Kirk: Spock, the past has already happened, right?
Spock: Correct.
Kirk: So if we destroyed them, nothing would
happen, right?
Spock: I'm not sure time travel works that way.
Kirk: Chekov, destroy the Enterprise.
Computer: Self destruction in 20 seconds.
Kirk: Not our Enterprise, the other Enterprise.
Chekov: Vhat other Enterprise?
Kirk: Haven't you been paying attention?
Chekov: No, I don't believe in bribes.
Kirk: Bribes, what the **** are you talking about?
Chekov: PAYing attention, get it?
Kirk: ****it Chekov, this isn't time for bad jokes.
You need to stop the self destruction
sequence and destroy the other
Enterprise.
Chekov: Sigh. Vhatever.
Spock: The other Enterprise has been destroyed
Kirk: Now destroy all evidence of man on Rura
Pente.
Chekov: Destroyed, Keptin.
Kirk: Now send down the snowflake analyzer and
analyze everything.
Spock: Everything?
Kirk: Of course everything. What else would we
analyze?
Spock: Snowflakes.
Kirk: Oh yeah. Analyze every snowflake and put
each design on record. Now let's go to Hoth,
the ice planet.
Sulu: But that would give away the rebels secret
base!
Kirk: The snowflakes is more important than the
rebellion.
DarthVader: Well said, my student.
McCoy: Jim, have joined the dark side?
Kirk: NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!! Now engage
the interdimensional thrusters and take us to
Hoth!
In Orbit Above Hoth
Spock: No sign of the Empire yet.
Sulu: I am detecting use of a ligt saber,
though.
Chekov: This must be when Luke kills that snow
beast.
Kirk: Then the Empire will be here quickly. We
must gather the examples fast.
McCoy: Are you sure you haven't joined the dark
side?
Kirk: Positive.
Spock: Captain Jim, are you sure it is necassary
to kill all these people? Certainly there
is some way we can get around it.
Kirk: There isn't Spock. KNOW YOUR ROLE AND SHUT
YOUR MOUTH!
Brett: I still hate you
Kirk: Chekov, I thought you got rid of that guy.
Chekov: I did Keptin.
Kirk: Then why is he still here?
Chekov: Ummmm, he's not.
Kirk: Chekov, what the **** are you talking about?
Chekov: It is an echo from the past. You cannot
escape from it.
Kirk: Destroy all human proof on Hoth, right
NOW!!!!!!!
Spock: This goes against the Prime Directive.
Look, we have already take analysis of the
planets, and have found two matching
snowflakes! We only need one more, and we
will have three!
McCoy: If we have two, and all we need is two,
why find three?
Spock: If we have three, then we have two, too.
Kirk: No one will wear a tutu on my bridge!
Sulu: No one is wearing a tutu on your bridge.
Kirk: Oh, destroy Hoth. NOW!!!!!!!
Chekov: Empire ships decloaking above Hoth! They
have us surrounded.
Kirk: Well then, I guess we have to surrender.
McCoy: Jim, we have the snowflakes. Let's make a
run for it and go home!
Kirk: NO! WE MUST SURRENDER!!!!!!!
McCoy: Jim, you have turned to the dark side!
Kirk: So what if I did?
Spock: You sold your soul just for more power?
Kirk: And women. Don't forget women. And I get
to wear a cool cape.
Chekov: I am detecting transports on board the
Enterprise. {Darth Vader and several
unimportant generals appear}
DarthVader: You have done well, my son.
Everyone: Gasp!
Spock: So you were the ones who made contact with
early man, when they were defenseless.
That makes much more sense. Klingons do
not slink around making treaties for control
of Earth. They would go all our and
attack. This definitely sounds like one of
your plans.
DarthVader: Very smart. Very logical. I was almost
afraid you would figure it our before we
got here and stop Kirk.
Spock: I am honored.
DarthVader: As soon as we gain control of earth, we will
have a foothold into your universe. Then
as the people see such new land to explore
and conquer, they will leave this pitiful
rebellion and rejoin the Empire as it
becomes a multiversal power!!!!!!!
Chekov: Do something Mr Spock!
DarthVader: You are as helpless as you look. Jim,
destroy Hoth.
Kirk: With pleasure. {pushes button that says
destroy Hoth, but nothing happens} Power is
down, Scotty must have shut down the warp
core!
DarthVader: Impossible, he was killed right as we beamed
on board.
Scotty: Excue me mr Vader, I believe your on the wrong
ship. {beams Vader and cronies back to a
ship} Spock, you now have control of the
ship.
Spock: Thank you Mr Scott. Chekov, please escort
Captain Jim to the brig.
Chekov: Vith pleasure. {they leave}
Spock: Warn the rebels, Uhura, and Sulu, destroy
all ships except the one with Vader on it.
Sulu: Aye.
Spock: Now engage interdeimensional thrusters and take us
back to earth, where we can show the
snowflakes to Starfleet and save Earth from
Empire control. Mr Scott, congratulations on
your acting there, I actually thought you
were drunk.
Scotty: I was laddie, I was. But it didn't matter
did it?
Spock: That's a wrap ladies and gents, Say good
night Gracie.
Everyone: Good night Gracie.
Well, that's it. Thank you for reading this, now go read
some of my others. I have two about TNG and about 700 ones
about my ship, the Continental. If you want to know more
about The Continental, go to andrew.brinkman.net.
Live Long and Prosper
2voc
Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell