OK people. The inevitable is here. Prepare your self for your worse
knightmare.
Spoof Trek II:
The search for an ending.
By David "The Dark Knight" Hopper.
Copyright 1997 David Hopper. You can copy it and put it on another site
but it must have this header on. Usual disclaimers apply. Star Trek Voyager
is property of paroumont, X-Files are the property of Fox, Blackadder and
Red Dwarf are the property of the BBC and Rob Grant and Doug Naylor.
Babylon 5 is the property of Warner Bros and the brilliant JMS.
E-mail me at
Tom@hop-per.demon.co.uk.
Guest stars: Rowan Atkinson.
Rowan Atkinson brother.
Rowan Atkinson's mother and father.
And Rowan Atkinson wife.
Part 1: Here we go again.
(Lister, Cat, Kryten, Mulder and Scully are sitting at the desk in the
officers rec room playing strip poker. Cat and Scully are winning.)
Lister: Ok man, I'm in.
Cat: Your gonna bet your boxer's?
Lister: (take off his head band) I'm in.
Scully: (holds her nose) Jeeze. Do you ever wash?
Lister: (gob smacked) Do what? You mean clean myself?
Scully: I guess not. I mean, you eat chicken vindaloos and drink larger.
Lister: And whats wrong with that?
Scully: For breakfast?
Holly: (appears on viewscreen in centre of room.) alright grovers?
Scully: It's that perve again.
Lister: Perve?
Scully: He keeps apearing in my room at night.
Lister: Hol's the ship's computer for smegs sake.
Scully: Bullshit, thers no such thing like that.
Mulder: (looks at his cards.) Fold. Actually Scully, scientists are
developing computers like that all the time back home.
Scully: Thats just a publicity stunt.
Mulder: No it's not.
Scully: Is.
Mulder: Not.
Scully: IS!
Mulder: NOT!
Kryten: (look at cards.) This is rather unfair. I'm a mechnoid. I
haven't as many clothes as you lot. (his naked body is fleshed
coloured but looks similar to his normal body armour.)
Cat: Old Cat saying. If you can't stand the heat, vacate the cooking area.
Lister: (with a small amount of pity in his voice) Are you in or out man?
Kryten: Ok, I'm in. (detaches a hand and places it on table.)
Scully: IS! (looks at Kryten) Corny cheapo special effects.
Lister: What did you expect on our budget? Are you in or what?
Scully: Yeah, I'm in. (places a pair of Mulders troussers on the desk)
Holly: I've just rembered something. Well I say I just rembered
something, more like I rembered theres something I wanted to tell
you, but I've forgotten what it was.
Lister: (more interested in the cards) Was it important?
Holly: Yeah, kind of. Never mind. It'l come back to me. Carry on.
Scully: And thats suposed to be a super computer.
Holly: You spend 3 million years by yourself with nothing better to do
then watch Batman and Robin and see what happens to you.
Mulder: How high is Holly's IQ anyway.
Lister: I dunno, Hol?
Holly: I forgot.
Scully: This is so fake.
Holly: No, I've just gone computer senile.
Scully: I don't think I'd like to really be on a spaceship run by a
senile artificial computer. I mean, anything could happen. The
engine mig-
Holly: THATS IT. The little problem, (wailing klaxons and red alert
signs start up.)
Abandon ship, all hands abandon ship. Core breach. Twenty minutes before
warp drive implosion.
Mulder: PANIC!
Cat: (arms flaying desperatly.) What about my suits? All 46567398045 of
em. What about them?
Lister: What warp core? We don't have a warp core. We can't even break
the light barrier in this ship.
Holly: HUH? Oh, yeah, your right Dave.
Rimmer: (walks in wearing his red shiny sparkle suit.) What happened to
the power? One minute I was in hard light mode, the next soft light
mode.
Lister: (throws a beer can at Rimmer. It passes through him.) Shut the
smeg up.
Mulder: Ha, how can they do that then Scully?
Scully: Mirrors.
Cat: Speaking of which. (pulls out a hand held mirror.) How I'm looking?
I'm looking good. (continues to list every single one of his good
features. This goes on for a while.)
Rimmer: (trys to drown out the Cat.) Well, I was in the viewing deck
watching a rather intersting display.
(Lister, Kryten, Mulder and Scully moan. Since being stuck on this ship
Scully has started to note just how interesting Mulders voice is, when
compared to Rimmers.)
Rimmer: When guess what happened. No go on guess.
Lister: What was it?
Holly: Oh yeah, it wasn't a core breach. It was another ship.
Rimmer: (angry) That was my secreat you goit.
Holly: I got here first, I was going to tell them.
Rimmer: Then why didn't you?
Holly: I forgot to.
Rimmer: Well you'll never guess which ship it was.
Holly: The starship Voyager.
Rimmer: You are a total, total, something. A word has yet to be invented
to describe how totaly total you are. But you are it though, and a
total one at that.
(Mulder and Lister grab their clothes and Kryten makes a grab for his
body armour plates that are scattered about.)
Scully: Hey, the Cat and I won those.
Lister: Well, what do you want us to wear when we contact the Voyager?
(back on the Voyager. Janeway, Tuvok, Kim and Neelix are armed with
various types of weaponry. Several nameless and and proberly doomed ensigns
are with them.)
Kim: Where'd it go?
Tuvok: Down there.
Neelix: Captain, may I suggest-
Janeway: Latter.
Tuvok: Tricorder indicates that the creature has changed into a cloud
of steam and has again escaped through the jefferies tube.
Kim: Captain, I think we should head back to the sickbay and bother the
Doctor in the name of plot development.
Janeway: Good point. Let's go.
(cut to sickbay. The Holodoc and Kes are busy scaning Chakotay, Torres,
Paris and several nameless Ensigns.)
Holodoc: Well, As far as I can gather, the creature seems to fed on
emotions.
Kes: (under her breath) As if we didn't figure that out before.
Holodoc: Huh?
Kes: How can that be?
Holodoc: It seems from the reports that the creature changes into
something it knows will get an emotional reaction from the victim.
As soon as it sense a powerfull emotion it steals it with that
sticky twig like thing that comes from it's head. I believe
some telepathy may be involved.
Kes: (to scriptwritter.) I better be getting a bigger part this time.
Scriptwriter: (desperatly think of ways to keep Kes amuzed or busy in
this parody) You are, don't worry.
Kes: Humf, I'd better.
Holodoc: Who are you talking to?
Kes: The scriptwritter.
Holodoc: Ah, yes of course.
(Janeway and the other unkillables enter.)
Janeway: Doctor report, have you made any head way on the creature.
Holodoc: (sighs) I wish you'd came in a few minutes earlier. I had just
explained it all to Kes.
Kes: I'll buy you a tape recorder if you like. That way you can record
your notes and play them to people.
Tuvok: Get on with it.
Holodoc: Oh alright. (repeats everything he just said to Kes, while
pretending to hold a cigar and keeps moving his arms in and out from
his body, like Data did when he was trying to learn about humour.)
Kim: Save the party trick humour willya?
Holodoc: Did the creature attack him?
Neelix: Yes.
Holodoc: Did you try to help him?
Tuvok: Help Harr- er Ensign Kim? Are you serious?
Holodoc: Always, but I'm just curious. (scans Kim.) He's missing his
ability to iritating people, also his sense of humour has gone
walkabout.
Janeway: So, that's why he's been acting so good so far.
Kim: Of course, it didn't help my temper when Tuvok threw that chair at
me.
Janeway: Tuvok?
Tuvok: Er, I was aiming at the creature. Yeah, I was aiming for the
creature.
Janeway: Tuvok? Latter. Well, which emotions are missing from the
regulars?
Holodoc: Commander Chakotay is missing his senses of being anoyed at
Harry and his snotyness to others. Lieutant Torres has lost her
anger and resentment - which accounts for the smile on her face.
Unfortunatley Mr Paris appears to have lost his
abilty to find the good points of someone, as well as his ability to
love and even to perve on women.
Janeway: Can we get them back for them?
Holodoc: We may be able to help Chakotay regain those emotions by
locking him up in a small room with Ensign Kim. but since Kim is not
himself at the moment, thats that idea ruined. Mind you, theres
nothing wrong with Harry that a lethal injection won't cure.
Kim: Hey!
Nameless Ensign voice\com: Captain we just picked up readings of another
vessle off our part bow.
Janeway: You mean port bow.
Nameless Ensign: Whatever.
Janeway: On our way. Tuvok, Harry, Neelix with me. Holodoc stay here and
work on a cure.
Kes: What about me?
Janeway: Stay here and help the Doctor.
Kes: (sfter Janeway and co have left gives them the V's.)
(cut to the bridge. It's a red alert situation so the rest of the lights
are out.)
Neelix: I can't see a thing.
Tuvok: Shut up you prick.
Neelix: What?
Tuvok: I said, watch the brick.
Neelix: What brick?
Tuvok: (trips him up)
Neelix: (lands on his face) Offya.
Janeway: Report.
Nameless Ensign: How? I can't see the controls.
Tuvok: She has a point captain. I estimate a defeciancy of 99.9% if
working in these conditions continues.
Neelix: I think my nose is broken.
Janeway: No one asked. On screen.
Nameless ensign: HOW?
Janeway: Oh, computer turn on the lights.
(the lights come on too brightly.)
Bridge crew: (blinded) AAARRGGGGHH!!!
Janeway: Computer, turn the lights down to normal.
Nameless ensign: (still blinded) Captain, I can just about see the
buttons. I think this is the viewscreen button.
(cut to Red Dwarf. Everyone is shaking about worse then Kirk and co when
their under attack.)
Mulder: what was that?
Rimmer: We're under attack. Women and cowards first to the life pods.
Scully: Just an Earthquake Mulder. Just ignore it.
Lister: Holl, what's happening man?
Holly: The Voyager fired a phaser at us.
Rimmer: Why.
Holly: Don't ask me mate, I'm a computer, not a miracle worker, or a
social worker.
Cat: My mirror, I dropped my mirror and it's broke. Thats seven years
bad luck.
(commercial break)
Next week on Sliders. The team Slides to X-Men world.
(Wolverine and Maggie jump into a team of villans and tear them appart)
Maggie: (yells fiercly) AAARRRRRGGGHHH!
Wolverine: (yells fiercly) SPOOOON! (disembowls someone.)
Quin chats up Jean Grey.
Cyclops: Hey! Thats my wife. (optic blast Quin into the middle of next
week)
Quin: uhhhh. What away to go. Shot by a transvestite.
Cyclops: I am not a transvestite.
Rembrant learns that his singing talents are actully a mutant power like
Banshees.
(Cut to Banshee and Syren teaching Rembrant how to use his voice to fly
like they do)
Rembrant: I can fly! I can fly!
Banshee: Don't stop screaming or ye'll-
Rembrant: Arrrrgh- (falls and lands in a pond)
Banshee: Fall.
(and see Wade get really pissed of by the lack of attention she gets
when she ware's Psylocke's outfit.)
(end commercial break)
(Voyager)
Nameless Ensign: Opps, wrong button. This one maybe?
(Red Drawf, everything shakes, Rimmer starts to fade a little.)
Rimer: What the smeg?
Holly: We've just been hit by a class 8 probe.
Kryten: Don't they use photon torpedo casing?
Mulder: (panicing) We gonna die, we gonna die. And I haven't read the
latest playboy issue yet.
Scully: It's just an earth tremour mulder.
Rimer: For smegs sake women,we are on a five mile long minning ship, it
is three miles high and has a large asteroid stuck on its belly.
It is coloured red for smegs
sake. That was no earth tremour.
Scully: Look pal, you can believe what you like. Everyone else knows
your mad, so your opinion doesn't count.
Rimmer: (gives her his snidey look no. 28943)
(cut to Voyager.)
Nameless Ensign: Opps.
Janeway: You can say that again. Theres no way to replace those torpedoe
casings. Thats another one we lost.
Ensign voice\com: Captain, the creature has attacked more crew members.
Janeway: Uh oh. What did it do this time?
Ensign voice\com: It turned into Mike Tyson and bit off Ensign
Holyfields Ear. Then it yelled, "It was just a nibble."
Janeway: Oh good grief.
Neelix: I could make good use of that ear in my new recipe.
Tuvok: Don't think about it.
Kim: (tries to hold back the vomit)
Tuvok: (to Kim) Think about it.
Janeway: Get Ensign Holyfield to sickbay. (to nameless Ensign at conn)
Ensign, press the button marked communications.
Ensign voice\over: Uhh?
Janeway: Not you. Janeway out. You (points at conn officer) press the
comm button.
Nameless Ensign: Aye sir, uh Ma'am, uh whatever.
(Red Dwarf is fired on yet again. Cat is standing next to the fish tank
which explodes, Mulder, Lister and Kryten are still trying to get their
clothes on, but fall down with their pants around their ankles.)
Mulder: (slowly places one hand on each side of the table and hauls
himself up. he has a pair of boxer shorts on his head.) Oh man,
someone must be really scared.
Lister: Uh man, you got me boxers on your head. (takes them off a
bewildered Mulder.)
Mulder: Do you wash you- Oh yeah, theres that "wash" word again.
Lister: actually, Kryten does em for me. After I've worn them for a few
days.
Cat: oh man. I'm soaking. This suit is ruined. I'm off to get changed.
(exit Cat.)
Rimmer: What the smeg are they up to?
Scully: Maybe they rember you from the last parody?
Rimmer: Maybe they rembered you?
Lister: Maybe the Kazon took over?
Rimmer: Maybe they rembered how much you stink?
Lister: Maybe they have a thing about holograms that iritate everyone?
Rimmer: (flares his nostrals in disgust.)
Scully: Good grief. That was disgusting.
Lister: His best friend taught him how to pick his nose with his thumbs
when they were kids.
Holly: Orange swirling thing alert. Orange swirling thing alert.
Lister: whats up now?
Mulder: Orange swirling thing alert.
Lister: (to Scully) Is it me, or does you mate have an even more boring
voice then Holl's?
Scully: Oh yes, his is much more boring.
Kryten: Sir's, Ma'am, may I remind you what happened the last time we
had an encounter with a huge orange swirling thing?
Lister: Spoof Trek?
Kryten: True, that parody did happen. But I was thinking more along the
confines of the show.
Mulder: What confines? If there were confines we wouldn't be stuck on
this rust bucket.
Scully: Mulder, it just a mock up.
Kryten: We were sucked up into another timezone. And since we-
Lister: (interupts) Hang on, that happened when Cat plugged his
hairdryer into the socket in the command centre.
(the Red Dwarf posse faces drop for a minute, then.)
Everyone: SHIT! (they rush of to the command centre.)
Holly: whats going, whats the matter? Does anyone want to know that
we're being sucked into that orange swirling thing?
(Voyager)
Janeway: Ensign, whats your name?
Nameless Ensign: Bennish sir, Ma'am, Captain.
Janeway: Tuvok, why don't you take over from Ensign Bennish?
Tuvok: (Sitting at Ops) I already have.
Janeway: Damm, your fast.
Tuvok: I know, if I weren't a Vulcan, I'd be impressed with myself.
Janeway: Very well, report.
Tuvok: Wha? I wasn't ready, that's not fair, you can't do that to me.
Janeway: Get on with it man.
Tuvok: (looks like he's going to growl, untill he rembers he's not
Worf.) Sensors indicate there is a temporal annomally 2000 metres
from the port bow.
Janeway: Hmm. We are currently next to the Red Dwarf, and their the ones
responsible for the last temporal annomally. Could they be
responsible for this one?
Tuvok: Highly likely. And since it was Mr Lister who gave you all those
cigerates which the creature was hidding in, they may be responsible
for that.
Janeway: Are you suggesting that the Red Dwarf crew planted that
creature on us to kill us off?
Tuvok: It is possible.
Janeway: Fire a photon torpedo at them.
Tuvok: Impossible captain.
Janeway: Why?
Tuvok: The temporal annomally.
Janeway: Yes?
Tuvok: They just entered it and traveled back in time.
Janeway: Great! What time period?
Tuvok: (messes with instruments) Impossible to be exact, but I would
say, sometime in the twentith century.
Janeway: (groans) Not again. OK. After them.
Neelix: Captain?
Janeway: They may know how to combat the creature and get the crew back
to normal.
Neelix: Now wait a minute. Don't we get to vote on this?
Janeway: Do we get to vote on whether or not I space you?
Neelix: (gulps). Good point.
(Voyager enters the orange swirling thing.)
Tuvok: Temperol annomaly.
(whatever. Cut to Earth. Date 1916. The western front line. We are in a
little dingy dugout. Three men have just came in having just survived the
big push. Blackadder, average height and build, moustached as it the fashion
of the time, very intelligent, very tidy, looks like a nasty snidey SOB
who'l try anything to get out of the war. Baldrick, very short, thin, dirty,
short cut hair, looks like a dipstick. And then theres George. Proud,
dedicated, tidy uniform, far away look in his eyes. In otherwords,
probably an ancestor of Forrest Gump.)
Blackadder: (sarcasticly) Well, that was nice. Being in the big push,
wasn't it?
Baldrick: (no hint of sarcasm, just a whinging voice that makes you want
to hit him if it wasn't for the fact you'd need to have a tetnus
afterwards.) no
Captain Blackadder.
Blackadder: Don't make me hit you Baldrick, now make me a cup of tea.
George: oh come on Bladder, it was great fun. Finnaly some action.
Blackadder: Look, George, two things. One, don't call me Bladder, two,
your an incompatant imbercile.
George: (doesn't let that phase him a bit, causes he's a bigger prat
than Wesley
Crusher. So he laughs a bit.) Oh ha, ha, ha, Bladder. You jest, you
jest.
Blackadder: No I don't. Look the General, your friend the General -who's
idea it was for this whole dammed idiot capaign- came here in person
to offer you a way out. And what did you do? Accept it? Offer it to
a certain supior? NOOooooohhh.
George: Oh come on Bladder. What would the General have done with his
own offer if I was to offer it to him?
Blackadder: (resists the temptation to hit George.) Look you had a
chance but you didn't use it. You could have been drinking champaign
with the General in his chatoe, but no, you had to stay, why?
George: Oh come on Bladder, you know me, patroit to the last. Besides,
Champaign gives me wind.
Baldrick: (brings two cups of tea over to Blackadder) Here you go sir.
Blackadder: (looks at cup) Ummm. Baldrick, is this to your regular
recipe? Baldrick: Yes sir.
Blackadder: So that means, instead of sugar we have your?
Baldrick: Dandruff.
Blackadder: And instead of milk, you used?
Baldrick: Spit and squashed lice.
Blackadder: And Rat for flavour?
Baldrick: Yes sir.
Blackadder: And I daren't ask about those brown flakey bits. (pours the
tea onto the floor.) Well, make youself usefull, Baldrick. Go out
side and stand up above the sandbags.
(Baldrick leaves, Blackadder lies down on his bunk and reads a book. We
here gun fire for a minute, then it stops and lots of people start to
scream.)
Blackadder: (snaps the book shut.) That can't be right. People only
scream like that when they get shot, not after. (gets up to
investigate, reaches the door and is flatterned by Baldrick as he
runs in through the doorway.)
Baldrick: Captain, Liuentant. Theres a great big red blimp above us.
Blackadder: (gets up, brushes himself off.) Baldrick, I'm afraid I shall
have to discapline you for lying. (hits Baldrick in the stomach.)
George: (looking out of doorway.) By god Bladder, he's right, there is a
great big red blimp outside in the air. And it looks like theres
some kind of aereoplane nearby it as well.
Blackadder: thats no blimp. It completly made of metal, except for that
hugh rock thats stuck to the bottom of it.
Baldrick: It could be a Hun trick sir.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Maybe the Hun have made it to look like that so they can bomb
us from that blimp without us knowing it.
George: (gives this serious thought)
Blackadder: Baldrick?
Baldrick: Yes Captain?
Blackadder: Do you know what I'm going to do to you?
Baldrick: pat me on the back sir?
Blackadder: No, this. (punches Baldricks face.)
George: He may have a point Bladder. This may be some kind of Hun
weapon.
Blackadder: Affraid not, that things five miles long, and made nearly
completly of metal, and the Hun leaders suffer from the same thing
our leaders do.
George: And that is?
Blackadder: Lack of funding.
George: Good lord, your right Bladder.
What is going on now? A Star Trek/Red Dwarf/X-Files/Blackadder goes
forth crossover? Will the Polymorph be destroyed? Will Janeway destroy the
Dwarf? Will Tyson ever fight fairly? Will Balckadder ever get out of the war?
How did Blackadder and co survive the big push? What happened to Captain
Darling? Tune in far part two, coming to a web page near you soon.
Spoof trek 2. The search for an ending.
Part two: Oh my darling.
By David "The darkest of darkest horse's" Hopper.
In the last part, our (for want of a better word) heroes and Rimmer,
Neelix, Harry Kim, George and Baldrick, were all scouped up from what they
were doing and placed in yet another ridicouls parody that will proberly
drag on for eternity. Maybe even staying unfinished as the forth season of
Voyager starts up. What do you mean it's started already? Damnit man. I was
talking about in the UK not the USA. To put it mildy another Orange swirling
thingie (aka temperol anomaly, crappy plot device,) is responsible for the
whole damm thing.
(Red Dwarf command centre, Cat is absentmindly drying his hair. Lister
and the others barge in.)
Lister: Oh you smeging idiot.
Cat: (confused) What?
Lister: You did it again.
Cat: What?
Rimmer: Why couldn't you just use the sockets in your quarters?
Cat: What quarters? I don't need no stinking quarters, I sleep where I
want.
Scully: Thats true. I found him in my bed five times last night.
Cat: Yeah, I sleep where I like. Got a problem with that?
Scully: Only when I'm already in the bed.
Cat: (smiles) Baby. You looked lonely.
Mulder: If anyones going to score with Scully, it'll be me.
Scully: WHAT?
Mulder: (panics) Er, but only when the ratings drop.
Scully: Oh.
Kryten: Now you've created another orange swirling thing.
Cat: A what?
Lister: Do you rember Spoof Trek?
Cat: Yeah?
Rimmer: This is the sequel.
Cat: Yeah?
(everybody exchanges glances. The other Dwarfers have expressions along
the lines of: This is going to take longer than normal. Cut to the Generals
chateau. Blackadder and George are in the secretary's office.)
Blackadder: Darling! I thought you were dead?
Darling: I escaped the blood shed, just like you.
George: (exicted) Wow! Bladder, this means we all alive. You, me,
Baldrick, Darling and the General.
Blackadder: I'd of prefered it if only I had survived. Oh well, Darling,
tell the general we're here to report a mysterious object.
Darling: (suspicous) What mysterious object?
Blackadder: The mysterious object that is hovering over the front lines
of both sides of this war.
Darling: (looks down at his work) Don't know what your talking about.
Blackadder: The Red mysterous object that has a huge lump of rock on its
bottom.
Darling: (starts scribberling desperatley at the paper) Doesn't ring a
bell.
Blackadder: The big, five miles long red object with the huge lump of
rock on its bottom, and something resembling the Eifel tower -turned
around the wrong way- at one end of it.
Darling: (throws down his pen in frustration) Dammit Blackadder. How did
you know? It's classified.
Blackadder: Well, you can't really miss it can you? I mean, it's huge,
red, has a rock on it the size of Gibraltar. just be a good man and
let the General know we're in.
Darling: (sarts to scribble again) I can't.
Blackadder: Yes you can. Do it before I pull rank on you.
Darling: We are the same rank.
Blackadder: (loses his temper) Look just do it will you?
Darling: I can't. He's dead.
Blackadder: Come again?
Darling: (starts to sob) His car was blown up by a stray long range Hun
shell. (brakes down completely in huge over the top whinges.)
Blackadder: Get ahold of yourself Darling.
George: (starts to sob like Darling) Dead? BOO! HOO! BOO! HOO!
Blackadder: Oh no.
George: He was so kind to my mother when I was a boy. Like a father to
me he was.
Blackadder: (to himself) Well, that explains why he offered to get you
out of the big push. (speaks up) How ironic, George. If you had gone
with him, you'd be dead.
George: (stops crying) By jove your right, Bladder.
Blackadder: Well Darling, presumably theres a new man in charge and I'd
like to speak with him.
Darling: (still crying) O.K. You can go in.
Blackadder: Whats his name?
Darling: (thinks for a minute.) I don't know.
(Blackadder and George go in. The office is now a lot darker, and is
filled with cigerate smoke. At the desk the chair is turned towards the
window, it slowly rotates around to reveal-)
Cancerman: Yes?
(Voyager, sick bay. The Holodoc is seeing to Ensign Holyfields ear.)
Holodoc: There. How does it feel?
Holyfield: What?
Holodoc: How does it feel?
Holyfield: I can't hear you man.
Holodoc: (leans closer to the repaired ear) HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!!!!!!!
Holyfield: F....fin....fine. Yeah fine. Thanks doc. No need to yell, I
ain't deaf you know.
Holodoc: Did the creature use it's sucker thing to steal any emotions
from you?
Holyfield: No. The others managed to shoot it off me in time. But I am
going to have a remach with that sucker. No one bite Ensign
Holyfields ear off.
Holodoc: Uh huh? (raise both eyebrows turns his back to Holofied) Kes?
Kes: Yes?
Holodoc: Kes, I want you to check the records about anyone named
Holyfield from Earth.
Kes: Why?
Holodoc: I want to see if this man is a descendent of some boxer Mr
Paris was telling me about.
Kes: what's the use of that?
Holodoc: I want to- I don't know. It must be some kind of crappy plot
device for latter.
Kes: I'll get on it then.
(cut to bridge. Janeway is now talking to Rimmer over the viewscreen.
Tuvok is looking at Rimmer in a suspicious way.)
Janeway: Did you have to polish the "H" on your forhead captain? It's
shining the light into my eyes.
Rimmer: theres not a lot I can do about it. All Holograms are programed
to have either a metal H, or an H like the holograms on credit
cards.
Kim: Can't you wear a head band?
Rimmer: (irrated) What? Shut up. Madam Captain-
Janeway: Don't madam captain me.
Rimmer: Erm, Captain. We seem to be in a sticky situation. (in the
background, Lister, Kryten and Mulder are still explaining about the
hairdryer to Cat while Scully keeps going on about this whole damn
thing being a load of corporate prime time bull shit.) It appears
that we have been sucked back in time to the tweentith centuary, and
now the portal has closed and to put it mildly, we're stuck.
Janeway: Terrific. Well, we'l have to deal with that latter. Are you
responsible for the creature that is stealing the emotions from our
crew members?
Rimmer: Huh?
Janeway: Well, are you or aren't you?
Rimmer: NO! Well, I don't think so.
Cat: (in background) I still don't get it.
Rimmer: Shut up. Captain, I don't think we could be responsible for a
creature like that. The only thing we are qualified to do is clear
out the gunk from the chicken soup dispensor.
Janeway: You'r a technician?
Tuvok: (raises an eyebrow.)
Rimmer: Yes, I was responsible for the Z shift.
Tuvok: (eyebrow raised even higher)
Neelix: Whats a chicken.
Tuvok: something you would never be able to cook properly.
Neelix: are you saying I can't cook.
Tuvok: Yes.
Neelix: Oh well. You had to figure it out sometime sooner or latter.
God, it's just the truth. I can't cook, and I'm ugly as hell.
(entire bridge crew looks shocked. suddenly Tuvoks face split in half
and a pointy stick like sucker thing pops out on to Neelix's head.)
Neelix: AAARRRGHH!
Janeway: No one asked how you fel- My god.
Rimmer: A Polymorph! Lister thers another bloody polymorph on Voyager.
Lister: What?
Scully: That looks so dammed cheap. It's not even CGI for christ sake.
Neelix: AAARGH-shut it you ginger cow- RRRGGHHH!!!
Kim: Cool.
Janeway: Computer: locate Tuvok.
Neelix: Help!
Kim: Captan, should we help Neelix?
Janeway: Once I've found out where the real Tuvok is, then we help
Neelix.
Neelix: Captain, I don't think I can (collapses and faints)
Janeway: Hrm, he may have a point. (whips out a compresion phaser rifle
from somewhere and blasts the polymorph.)
Polymorph: (screams, brakes off it's attack and runs into a turbo lift
just as the real Tuvok enters the bridge. He fails to notice it.)
Janeway: Tuvok, is that you?
Tuvok: logically I am who I appear to be. Unless you have been at those
magic mushrooms Neelix brought on board and are therefore under
some kind of hallucination.
Kim: It's him.
Lister: Captain, to be honest your not going to be able to kill that
thing with out some more hardcore weaponry. And some experinced
people. We've killed two of those things before. That one must have
been the mate of the first one. Their shapeshifters so it must have
disguised it self as a pack of cigerates and got mixed up with the
load I gave you.
Janeway: speaking of which, I kind of overindulged myself. Could I
borrow some more?
Lister: (dreamy eyed look) Sure. Anything for you. Er, do you know which
time period we're in?
Janeway: World war I. And we are in the atmosphere.
Lister: smeg. Look we'l be right over. We'll have to blow this thing up
and then get out of here.
Janeway: Agreed. But do you know how to regain the emotions of the crew
members?
Lister: You just have to destroy the creature. Then it releases the
emotions.
Janeway: well, thats convenient.
Lister: Yeah. We like to get the status quo back in our show.
Janeway: Thats the motto of our producers too.
(cut to the launch bay of Red Dwarf. Starbug 5 is ready to go. It take
of and soars out of the cargo bays open doors. Cut to the cramped flight
room. Kryten is at the pilot seat all alone. Rimmer walks in wearing a full
dress uniform. White suit with a row of medals that he can't possible have
earned for his regular work. He sits down at his console near the door.)
Kryten: May I say sir, you have collected a fine collection of medals.
Rimmer: Yes you may.
Kryten: Good then I won't, you Smmmeeee Heeea.
Rimmer: If I ever figure out what you trying to say, and if I find out
you are calling me what I think your calling me. You are going to be
spare parts.
Kryten: Lie mode dissengaged. Sarcasm mode dissengaged.
Rimmer: Watch that starship. We don't want to collide with it.
Kryten: (somehow looks worried despite the rubber mask) But sir. That is
our destination.
Rimmer: It is? Well, fly casual.
Kryten: (confussed) Sir? (gets back to work.) approching shuttle bay.
Rimmer: O.K. Kryters, left a bit, bit more. down,no up. To the right,
perfect.
Kryten: But sir, that course sends us directly into the roof.
Rimmer: No it won't.
Lister: (walks in) Push down now Kryten.
(Voyager)
Kim: Captain Ma'am. The Starbug is on a collision course with the roof
of the shuttle bay.
Janeway: What? Send a fire team.
Tuvok: We don't have fire teams. We have security teams.
Janeway: Do they know how to fight fires?
Tuvok: No. They would fire theirs phasers at it and proberly die.
Kim: Captain, on behalf of the Expendable Ensigns and security officers
on board this ship. I would like to say-
Neelix: (wakes up and rubs head. Squints at everything) My god. Why is
everything so ugly?
Kim: No. I would like to say, that we aren't very happy about constintly
losing our members. If this keeps up, there will only be the main
cast left. And I think you'l agree we can't keep killing main cast
members off.
Neelix: (squinting at Tuvok) You are so dammed ugly Mr Vulcan, have I
ever told you that?
Tuvok: No, and frankly I don't care. Have a death grip (nerve pinches
Neelix)
Neelix: that is such a dammed ugly gestu- (loses consiness)
Janeway: What the hell is going on?
Tuvok: Neelix was getting on my nerves.
Kim: Starbug was on a collision course with the roof of the shuttle bay.
But not any more.
Janeway: Well thats a relief.
Kim: It's about to crash into the floor.
Janeway: What? Fire teams, send them now.
Tuvok: We don't have any.
Janeway: Oh I just don't care anymore. Being the Captain of this ship is
more like mothering a bunch of fire year olds. Send the ships cat.
Kim: She not qualified. Prehaps we should send a fire crew.
Janeway: Tuvok said we don't have any.
Tuvok: I said we don't have any fire teams. Mr Kim said to send a fire
crew-
Janeway: I don't care what their called, just send them.
(cut to the Generals office)
Blackadder: Are you the Geneals replacement?
Cancerman: for the time being, yes.
Blackadder: Well, in that case I'd like to report the sighting of a UFO.
Cancerman: They don't exist.
Blackadder: I think they do. It was five miles long, red, had a rock the
size of Gibralter on it bottom, and a Eifel tower at one end. Turned
round the wrong way of course.
Cancerman: Of course.
George: According to some people it just appeared out of nowhere. And
then this other shape. Kind of like an Iron and three cigars.
Cancerman: What you have seen is obviously a Hun trick.
George: Gosh.
Blackadder: I doubt it sir. The Hun were firing their weapons at it.
Cancerman: Were you?
Blackadder: No.
Cancerman: Why not?
Blackadder: It was well out of range sir.
Cancerman: Ah well, in that case it must have been an halucination
through fatigue. I hear you survived the big push.
Blackadder: I was unconcious for most of it.
George: So was I. Can't explain it really. (gets more and more carried
away with the tale) one minute blasting away at the enemy, next
thing I knew, I woke up in a hole from a shell with the Captain and
Baldrick. Oh and Captain Darling.
Cancerman: (raises eye brow when Darlings name is mentioned) Then you
must have been gased and hallicnated the whole thing.
Blackadder: Sorry sir, but everyone on the front line saw it. And
Captain Darling out their knew about it as well. so theirs something
afoot.
Cancerman: (now very angry) It was a weather ballon. And thats final.
Blackadder: It was made of metal sir. And it had a hugh rock on it as
well. In fact a piece of it fell on to Baldrick. (holds out a green
glowing rock)
Cancerman: (looks terrified.) Leave it on my desk, then never mention
this to anyone ever again. This is a matter of international
security.
George: is it the Hun sir?
Cancerman: more serious then that. Gentleman, this conversation never
took place. You will not discuss these matters to anyone else or
you will face the firing squad. Understand?
Blackadder: Again?
Cancerman: And you won't be able to pull any strings to get out of it
this time. Understood?
Blackadder: (Rowan Atkinson: "You are a git" smile TM ) Perfectly, sir.
George: Urm yes, yes perfectly clear. Yes.
Cancerman: I see from your records you have some few hours flying time.
Report here tomorow for a special assignment. (as they turn around
he reaches for something below his desk.)
George: Gosh.
Blackadder: (nears the door then turns around) sir, I couldn't help but
notice your accent.
Cancerman: (quickly puts the object back) What about it?
Blackadder: It's Ameriacan. I presume this means you Yanks are entering
the War?
Cancerman: Not yet. I'm here because it's my job to stop corrupting
influences affect... this planets people.
(as they leave, Cancerman pulls out a gigar counter and checks the rock.
It goes off the scales. He then picks it up with a pair of tongs and put it
in a lead box. Blackadder and George enter the room Darling was in. Darling
who was listening through the keyhole is knocked to the ground.)
Blackadder: Why are you screaming?
Darling: Your standing on my crotch.
Blackadder: Oh, so I am. How clumsy of me.
Darling: Well, what did he have to say to you.
Blackadder: I can't tell. We had no conversation with the mystreous
american BASTARD that has a tendicey to smoke rather too many
cigertes.
Darling: Look, Blackadder. I don't know what happened to me in that big
push, I can't rember how I survived. But the same thing happened to
you lot. And we were all together.
Blackadder: (smarmy) I don't know what big push your talking about,
(emperthise) Darling.
Darling: (peved) Look, non of us rember a darn thing. Not a darn thing.
Now this UFO appears, and this man with no name is in charge. Don't
you find that suspicous?
Blackadder: Yes, but then I also found you suspicous. You, who always
managed to get out of the real dirty work, who was always trying to
avoid the fighting. You who always chew your finger nails when your
scared when someones getting close to the
truth. Tell me, (emperthises) Darling, was it a brown tongue, or
troussers down and body bent over the table to keep you in your
desk job?
Darling: (chewing his finger nails) God, Blackadder. Why are you such a
suspicous bastard? (brakes down in tears)
Blackadder: Well, I'm in rare form today. Expect more of this tomorow
Darling. Darling: (cries even harder)
(comercial break)
This week on X files. Mulder and Scully have no cases or conspiracies to
deal with, so they clean out Mulders office.
Scully: (pulls a folded over magazine out from underneath the filing
cabnet which lurches to one side) Hey this issue of Playboy dates
back to the exact day JFK was shot.
Mulder: I've been looking for that. (snatches it back)
Scully: WHAT IS THIS? (holds up a bra. A cockroach falls out of it.)
Eww. (drops it.)
Mulder: Present from Bambi.
Scully: where did you get these photos? (holds various photos of herself
up.)
Mulder: Er. They were on the net.
Scully: Your lonelier then I thought Mulder.
(end comercial break)
(cut to shuttlebay. Small fires have broken out around the remains of
starbug. Cut to flight room. Lister and Kryten are embeded in wrecked
consoles. Rimmer is flickering on and off all the time.)
Lister: (groans) Kryten. How many times have I told you to ignore
Rimmers orders when we're docking?
Kryten: But sir, I'm programmed to obey all humans, no matter how
insane.
Lister: But he's a hologram, for smegs sake.
(ops room. Cat is upside down in a locker and Mulder and Scully are on
top of each other.)
Mulder: So, do you think this is fake Scully? Do you?
Scully: I think my arm is broken.
Mulder: Oh, and I suppose that is fake too, uhh?
Scully: no, it really is broken.
Cat: How'm I looking? (looks for his mirror) Yeah, right. It broke.
Scully: Here. (hands him a pocket mirror)
Cat: Thanks. (looks at it.) AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! (faints)
Lister: (walks in, looks at Cat.) leemme guess, he saw his hair was
messed up?
Mulder: (sarcasticly) Scully has a fake broken arm.
Scully: No, it's really broken.
Lister: well we have to get out of here and let the fire crews deal with
this. Can you walk?
Scully: Yes.
Rimmer: (walks onto the mid deck) Right, Lister, get those Skutters to
pick up my trunk. (looks at cat) Someone wake up that lazy feline
mogey.
Lister: (grabs a crate marked Bazokoids) No time. (to the Skutters) Hey
Bob, help with these crates.
Bob: (grabs a crate with its arm and then prombtly reverse into a
bulkhead)
Lister: Dammit. There must be some radio signals mesing up his guidance
system, again.
Rimmer: Well I doubt it can be those damm Taxi radios causing
interferance.
Kryten: Er sirs. I suggest we get off this Starbug before it blows up.
Mulder: What?
Kryten: The fuel lines are ruptered. Fuel is leaking and I think we have
five minutes before we blow up.
Mulder: You guys get off the ship. I'll see what I can do.
Scully: Mulder, it's just a set. You don't have to risk your life over a
set.
Mulder: (leaves through a doorway muttering something about having to
film in "that" warehouse again.)
Scully: You just can't leave him in there.
Rimmer: We're not. he went in there by himself of his own free will.
(at this point several security oficers appears in Starbugs airlock.)
Tuvok: If you would come with us.
Kryten: This ship is going to blow up.
Tuvok: Then we must hurry. (touches com badge) Tuvok to transporter room
one. Ten to beam.
Ensign: We can't get a lock on you.
Lister: We've got we're own transporter over here. Kryten get the hand
held.
Kryten: Got it. (fiddles about with the various buttons on the weird
remote) Here we
go. now I must stress that this was designed for cargo, not organic
material.
Lister: We've used it before with no ill effect. Just do it.
Rimmer: Wait adjust the transporter to work for me. I don't want to be
stuck in my light bee again.
Scully: What about Mul- (they all vanish in a cheap special effect)
(cut to a basement with a lot of people in it. There are bear barrels
all over the place and a short, fat man with greased down hair and a stupid
moustache standing on one barrel and yelling his ideas at the assembled
people.)
Hitler: UND FURTHER MORE!
(The Treker\Dwarfs and Scully appear in another cheap special effect.)
Hitler: VHAT ZE HELL?!
Scully: This is so-
Eveyone else: Fake. We know, we know.
Hitler: WHO ARE YOU? VHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Lister: Hey, is that?
Rimmer: My hero. Adolf Hitler. Can you sign this copy of Fascit Dictator
weekly?
Tuvok: Uh oh! Mr Kryten, can you get us back to our proper time?
Kryten: Yes, I must have keyed in the wrong sequence. Hang on I'll just
key in the recall sequence.
(Lister grabs hold of Hitler and starts to kick the crap out of him.
Tuvok grabs hold of Lister and pulls him off. They dissapear in a cheap
special effect, leaving the security guards behind.)
Guard #1: what do we do now?
Guard #2: If they attack us, we use our supior skills and training
against them.
(the beer hall putcsh becomes the beer hall punch up as the Nazis jump
the guards and start to prombtly beat the crap out of them.)
(back on starbug)
Tuvok: Where are my men?
Kryten: Somewhere in the 1930's.
Tuvok: Can you bring them back?
Kryten: Oh yes. (fiddles about with the remote and the security guards
reappear, bruised and bloodied nosed.)
Tuvok: typical. More training for you lot.
All Guards: Groan.
Rimmer: What about my autograph?
Everyone else: who cares?
Scully: What about Mulder? (they all vanish again)
(cut to engine room. In this case it is "that warehouse" that they use
in X-Files all the time, and not "that" pumphouse they always use in Red
Dwarf. Mulder has his gun out and is flashing his tourch about a lot.)
Mulder: Hmm, nothing so far. Come on out aliens. I know your here
somewhere. Come on out. Even if your those lizard men from V, I
don't care. Hell, I'll take on storm troppers even. All I'm going
to do is use you to prove that you exist. You won't get hurt. Well,
unless someone tries to kill you in which case my protection will be
useless cause the writters will want it to be that way in any case.
(he wanders about for a few minutes calling for aliens then rembers he's
not here to look for aliens.)
Mulder: Damm, I'm not here to look for aliens. What am I here for? Oh
yeah. Come on out ghosts. I know you exist. Come on out.
(he passes by a switch with a sign with the word LIGHT SWITCH painted on
it in eluminous green)
Mulder: Hum, should I press it? Or should I just keep useing my
flashlight? (he ignores the sign and continues to stumble about in
the dark.) Why break the habits of a lifetime?
(cut to Voyager's sickbay. Scully and the Cat are there.)
Holodoc: There your arm is healed. Your skin may feel tight for a few
days.
Scully: My arm mustn't have been broken after all.
Holodoc: I assure you it was.
Scully: No, it musn't have been. Theres no way a red beam could have
fixed a broken arm.
Holodoc: I see you know nothing about medicine.
Scully: I'm an undergraduate in medicine and I happen to be an expert in
forensic science.
Holodoc: Allow me to rephrase that sentince. I see you know nothing
about 24th centuary medicine.
Scully: Bull, we are not in the 24th centuray.
Holodoc: True, at present we are stuck in the 20th centuary.
Scully: Ha, I knew we'd never been anywhere. It's just a series of
exentsive mock ups.
Holodoc: Unfortunately it's the year 1916.
Scully: What? What a load of crap.
Holodoc: And I know for a fact your from the late 20th centuary.
Scully: Hang on, how could you know that if your from the future?
Holodoc: I'm a doctor, it's my job to know these sorts of things. (shot
behind his back, he's fiddling with Scully's ID.)
Scully: (points to Cat) Well, what about him?
Holodoc: His physiology is quite similar to humans, although the organs
tend to be smaller and in better shape then humans. But he seems to
have fainted for some bizare reason. Perhaps if I knew why I could
work out a cure for him.
Scully: He's incredible vain. He looked in a mirror after the crash and
saw his hair was in a mess. Then he fainted.
Holodoc: Well. All I have to do is fix his hair. (he does so, and Cat
miraculously regains conciuness.)
Cat: Woh! How I'm looking? (looks at the mirror Scully gave him
earlier.) Aaargh! I'm looking like my hairs been done by a balding
hologram.
Holodoc: Ahem.
Cat: Woh, a balding guy.
Holodoc: A balding hologram, actually.
Cat: Woh. Hey did anyone tell you about those nostrals? Must happen to
all holograms. Wheres your goal posts? (produces a comme and commes
his hair back into shape.)
Holodoc: What?
Cat: You know, the "H" all holograms are supposed to have on their
foreheads. Like smeg for brains.
Kes: Who?
Scully: Rimmer.
Kes: Oh him.
Holodoc: (worried) Is it mandortory for all holograms to bear that mark?
Cat: oh yeah. It's just so people can tell they ain't real. Woh, crease.
(pulls out a portable iron and smoths it out.)
Holodoc: I can asure you we are real.
Cat: How'm I looking? (looks in mirror again) I'm looking good. My hair
looks good, my teeth look good, my-(continues to list good points.)
Holodoc: (to Scully) How long have you known this man?
Scully: Since the prequel.
Holodoc: Thats been a long time.
Kes: IT certainly has. I was told I'd be getting a role increase.
Holodoc: well, you are leaving the series.
Kes: So?
Scully: Yeah, stand up for your self. Demand your rights. Draw the line.
Show some girl power.
(The Spice Girls enter the room kicking and screaming and singing
"Wanabe" and chaos ensures. Cat stops admiring himself and seems to be
more interested in Geri's Clevage. Victoria poses about but never smiles,
Scary Spice starts fiddling with the equipment and the sedated bodies of
Chakotay, Torres and Paris start to have very strange readings appear on
their monitors which isn't helped by Sporty spice doing her back flips over
them, Emma just looks cute and cuddly for a while then sticks her
toungue out and starts to try to arouse the Cat. The Cat is very
aroussed, they smile at each other, lips pouting, and she pushes him off
his med bed.)
Holodoc: Uh oh.
Kes: this is Girl Power?
Scully: Yup.
Kes: I like it. (she joins the Spice Girls)
(cut to Voyagers conference room. Janeway, Tuvok, Lister, Kryten and
Rimmer are there. Several compresion phaser riffles are on the tables,
along with several Bazokoids. Janeway is staring at the Bazokoids.
Correction. Janeway is drooling at the the Bazokoids.)
Janeway: What kind of range do they have?
Lister: Urm? I don't know.
Janeway: How powerfull are they?
Kryten: They can fire shots of up to 20 gazillion gigawatts, per round.
Tuvok: (impressesd) That is comparable to the main phasers on minum
power.
Janeway: I want one.
Tuvok: I'll get you one for Christmas.
Rimmer: Shoudln't we be talking about the Polymorph?
Janeway: The what?
Tuvok: The creature that has been attacking us, and stealing the crews
emotions.
Janeway: oh right.
Kryten: Then theres the damage to the timeline we have to consider.
Janeway: Huh? what damage?
Kryten: This is 1916. World War I. There may be considerable damage done
already.
Janeway: We're starfleet officers. Traverling back in time and screwing
with the timeline is part of the job. Beside, generally things turn
out to be alright in the end.
Tuvok: What about the prime directive?
Janeway: We don't need no stinking prime directive with these, these
(holds a Bazokoid up)these, these.
Lister: Bazokoid's
Janeway: Bazokoid's!
Tuvok: (raises an eyebrow)
Janeway: so if this creature is destroyed, the emotions will be
returned, right?
Rimmer: Right.
Janeway: (strips down to her tank top again.) Well, what are we waiting
for? Tuvok,
Rimmer and Kryten. Take a security team with you and search deck two and
downwards. Mr Lister, you and I and Harry and a security team will
go down to deck 16 and work our way up. And Mr Lister?
Lister: (looking at Janeways, erm, tanktop.) Yeah?
Janeway: Quit looking at my chest.
(cut to the Generals office. Cancerman is talking to someone in the
shadows)
Cancerman: So, it appears the timeline is being messed about with. Yes,
it would be too early to tell what the implications would mean for
your people in the future. No, I believe that this advanced
technology won't fall into either side hands. I'm making
sure by assemberling a team of the most experienced people I can
find. Yes, I'll be making use of the primitive aircraft of this
time. Oh you like that do you? Yes, I can tell by the way your
teeth are gleaming that you like it. Yes, I will keep my side of
the bargin, you just have to keep yours.
(the shadows seem to grow less, and the Cancerman turns around. He
smiles and lights up a cigerette. The shadow seems to cough.)
Cancerman: Oh sorry. Forgot you people don't like this sort of stuff.
(stubbs it out and waits for his guest to leave.)
What is the Cancerman up to? Who was he talking to? Will Janeway ever
stop staring at weapons? Is she just asking for trouble taking Kim with
her? Why are the spice Girls so dammed anoying? Why do the X-Files always
use that dammed warehouse? Do they have shares in it or something? Why does
Mulder always get sidetracked by ghost and aliens - even when their aren't
any there? Why does he never turn the lights on? What did happen to
Blackadder and co? These are just some of the mysteries of the univers that
have been added to the list since someone solved one of the others.
He then promptly forgot what it was, but knew it had something to do
with memory. The good news is theres only four more parts to go.
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