TITLE: Fight the Spam
* * * x x x * * *
"Spam!" exclaimed Mulder triumphantly.
Scully merely frowned in confusion, an expression which she had perfected over the
years.
"Excuse me?"
"Spam. I said spam."
Where was he going with this?
"Yes, I heard you, but what's your point?"
His expression changed to one of enlightenment, "It's at the root of the whole thing,
Scully. Spam is behind the whole conspiracy."
"Spam." Needless to say, she wasn't convinced.
"Think about it, Scully. They say it's processed meat, but how do we know? It could be
anything. It could contain the genetic code that turns us all into alien-human hybrids."
"Mulder, don't you think that if they were going to use food, they'd choose something that
tasted a little better than spam?"
"No, listen. I mean, spam is a big part of a lot of country's cultures. In Hawaii, for
example, you're considered to be strange if you don't eat it. It's because of the war." He
jumped up.
"That's it!"
In spite of herself, Scully was finding Mulder's excitement to be quite...exciting.
"What's it?"
"The war. I mean, during wartime, what does everyone eat? Spam, because it's cheap,
and was never rationed. Now we know why! It's used to brainwash the country into false
patriotism, thus helping win the war. All the people want to be free of the spam, but it's
so large, so beyond anyone's capability of understanding, that they find themselves
strangely drawn to it. And before you know it, BAM!"
Scully jumped.
"You're addicted. The government causes the wars, because they want the people to
become spam addicts. But no one ever knows it's true evil." He considered his words.
"And think about it, it's still big today, it's even been made an internet term for unwanted
advertising and stuff. So what do you think?"
"Honestly? I think you're insane."
His expression turned frightened, "Oh no Scully! They've got to you too! You've been
eating the spam for years, haven't you?" he muttered, more to himself now; "it makes
sense, a father who's in the navy would know the true wonder of the so-called meat, and
so would feed his family."
"What? No Mulder, I haven't been eating the spam. I hate the spam!"
"You have! Fight it Scully! You must fight the spam! Don't believe the spam!"
"Mulder!"
"No! The spam is in you!"
All of a suden Scully seemed to snap out of it. She didn't know what 'it' was, neither of
them did, but it was all consuming, and she snapped out of it none the less. She knew
the truth!
"No Mulder! The spam *isn't* in me, it's in you!"
And with this, she tackled him, pushing him to the floor and landing on top of him. They
were both breathing heavily, and she could feel something stir beneath her.
"Oh Mulder," she breathed, "the spam...the spam is out there."
He smiled, the smile of someone who knew the spam, knew it's true power, and knew
that it was a good thing, which neither of them should be afraid of.
"Soon Scully. Soon the spam will be in you."
He whispered in her ear, "E pur si spams, Scully."
She didn't have time to wonder when Mulder had leasrned to speak Russian, because
she felt the spam stir again, and she realised she wanted Mulder to fuck her. He wanted
this too, so he did. And they did, and she did.
Later, when they decided to get out of the office, they went to Scully's house, where they
made endless supplies of spam sandwiches and everyone lived happily ever after.
(Well, everyone except Cancer man and Fowley, because they had no spam, and had to
make their own,which wasn't nearly as nice as Mulder's spam. Bill wasn't happy either,
he didn't want Scully to have Mulder's spam because he couldn't make it himself,and
was jealous of him, cos Tara was having an affair with the 50 yeat old janitor, cos he
made better spam than Bill. Oh yeah, Mrs Scully and Skinner decided to make some
spam together too.)
THE END.....Or is it??
Bee Slayer
AUTHOR: Bee Slayer
RATING: PG-13, maybe more. Better give it an R rating just in case anyone gets it.
SPOILERS: Yeah. Right.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, Chris Carter does, la la la
SUMMARY: God help me, I did a spamfic. So, you thought CSM and the aliens were the
heart of the conspiracy? Think again...
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to thank Adrienne, Jen, Razz and Lill, who participated in
the spam chat yesterday which inspired me to write this...spamfic. May the spam be
with you. Always. (If I missed anyone out, sorry, I've had no sleep.) Oh, and
characterisation? What's that?
'aimed in some way for the maximum Truth'
The spam will set you free...
http://members.tripod.com/bee_slayer/intro.html - my page!!!
IM screen name: b slayer01
phobia of the week:phobophobia - fear of fear