Spoof Trek III: Final conflict.
Another one by David Hopper and don't let anyone tell you differently. 
Copyright 1998.

	Forenote: Set in the middle of the fifth season of DS9 and
after the disatourous seventh series of Red Dwarf where they
replaced Rimmer with an attractive, though wingy Actress (does
that remind anyone of another Sci-fi show?).
	Before you read this, you should be familiar with Star
Trek TOS and DS9 and Red Dwarf. As well as Slider's  Judge
Dredd (comics not the film) the X-men, Predators and The
Transformers, (G1 and Beast Wars), and have some knowledge of
WWF ringside wrestling banter, or comentary. Also you should
have read Since the world is hollow I must have touched the
ground, Space: Behind and Between (both by Donner) and Spoof
Trek I & II, by me. Spelling mistakes are left in deliberately.
(it's all the fun of reading these damn things.) Also if you
don't like to read satire’s or your offended by such things
portraying your favourite TV/Comic book character's as idiots,
then wake up and get a life. I mean what are you doing here
then? At a web site like this? Go away, cos we don't want to
know you.

Standard disclaimer: Paramount owns all Trek characters. The
BBC owns all Red Dwarf Characters. X-men are the property of
Marvel comics. If anyone can tell me who the Sliders belong to
I'll be happy. (I think.) All other characters are the property
of their respective companies, blah, blah, blah.

(DS9. Sisko's office. Sisko is talking to some Admiral about a
new discovery in the Romulan neutral zone.)

Admiral: Yes, we found this planet, totally devoid of life. But
	we believe they were at one time a space faring race with
	a large empire.
Sisko: And this was in the neutral zone? Good job we found it
	first, then. But what has this got to do with us, here?
Admiral: Well, you see, we found a sub space anomaly that took
	the crew to another galaxy where we found this crystal, a
	large crystal. Sensors show it has a huge amount of power.
	Maybe it could be used to travel in time, or to another
	dimension. Or maybe control this one. But we believe it
	may have been formed in that wormhole of your. So we're
	sending it to you lot to see if the wormhole aliens want
	to do anything with it.
Sisko: (shocked) Good grief. We aren't going to use it as a
	tactical advantage?
Admiral, no we aren't.
Sisko: (relived) Good. Does it have a name?
Admiral: Yes. As far as we can tell, the natives called it,
	(looks at notes) the M'Kran crystal.

(run credits.)

Part one: The one with the, Genticaly Engernered Life Form's.

Guest stars:
Steven Segal, as the guy with the initimidating eyebrows.
Stephen Fry, as ze Jem'hadar first vith ze Germane acent.
And Jay Leno, as the talent-less has bean.

Note: I don't like Freinds, Friend is crap, I only used the
idea of their titles because their actually the only funny
thing in the show.

Additional: Whoever created Friends, ought to be shot.

(A shot of the station, hanging in space. It's unusually devoid
of space craft.)

Sisko voice over: Captains log. We are expecting some strange
	crystal Starfleet believes to have been formed in the
	Wormhole to be brought over here within the next few days.
	Otherwise it has been an unusually quiet week. Major Kira
	is expected to give birth soon and Dax seems to be
	avoiding me. I can only guess since it's my birthday in a
	few days she's preparing one of her surprise parties
	again. I know if it were Curzon he'd had arranged a few,
	er, ladies to come round to my quarters afterwards and . .
	. . No, better delete that last sentence.

(The infirmary, DS9. Bashir is by himself. Odo walks in.)

Bashir: Constable,
Odo: Doctor,
Bashir: And what can I do for you today?
Odo: It's personal.
Bashir: (sarcastic) Really? No, don't go away. I mean, what is
	it?
Odo: (looks around. No one else is there) You haven't any
	listening devices, have you?
Bashir: No.
Odo: (nods his head. He looks worried.) Good.
Bashir: What’s the matter Odo?
Odo: Well, ever since I was turned into a human, I've had
	trouble. You know with the new . . . . . organs.
Bashir: What is it this time your having trouble with? Eating,
breathing, sleeping?
Odo: Well, it could be related to . . . sleeping.
Bashir: (eyes wide open with realisation) Ohhh.
Odo: Oh typical. I come here to talk about a problem and you
	act like that.
Bashir: (chuckling) Sorry Odo. Now what’s the matter?
Odo: Well, it's about my penis (at this point several old
	people start to talk out loud over the TV, about "their
	days" and "things were different in". The nitpickers also
	have a bigger field day then they did when Dax kissed that
	women)
Bashir: (smug) What about it?
Odo: Well, it went... and. It got bigger. I'm concerned that
	my, my shapeshifting powers may be coming back.
Bashir: (smiling like a Cheshire cat.) IT got bigger? Did it
	get harder as well? (Odo nods his head) Tell me, where
	were you at the time, and what were you doing?
Odo: I was in Quarks bar and Leeta was serving me a drink-
Bashir: What was she wearing?
Odo: (looks upwards as he tries to remember.) Not much.
Bashir: And did it go back to normal afterwards?
Odo: Well, yes. After a while. But then Dax walked past and the
	same thing happened.
Bashir: Well, therein the mystery is solved.
Odo: Really, what’s wrong?
Bashir: You were simply, ready.
Odo: Ready?
Bashir: Ready.
Odo: (pause) For what?
Bashir: (pause) For sex.
Odo: (eyes roll upwards. He collapse's)
Bashir: Sigh, why didn't I bag Dax?
Nurse: (passing by) Cos your a scrawny wimp.
Bashir: Thank you so VERY much.

(cut to a shot of Red Dwarf. All by itself in space. Suddenly a
blue wormhole like object opens up. It's different to DS9's
wormhole, and a lot smaller. A starbug vessel comes out of it.
This one is coloured red. Cut to Red Dwarf, Lister and Rimmer's
quarters. Lister is on his bed bunk, playing his guitar. Rimmer
is sticking cotton wool in his ears to block out the noise.)

Rimmer: LISTER! ! WILL YOU STOP THAT INFERNAL RACKET! ! ! ! !
Lister: Sorry, can't here you man. Music is too good.
Kryten: (enters the room with a piece of wielding equipment)
	(concerned) Have we had a hull breach? It's just I can
	hear an awful wailing noise not unlike that of the cold
	vacuum of space, sucking all the air out of a room. (spots
	guitar in Lister's hands. Switches to sarcastic mode) Ah,
	playing like Hendrix again sir?
Lister: Yup. Wish I had a few more strings.
Rimmer: Thank god I managed to get you to break them when I was
	still alive.
Lister: Pity I never killed you when you were still alive.
Kryten: No, he managed to kill himself and everyone else on
	board.
Rimmer: Ha! That’s rich coming from the droid who cleaned out
	the guidance computer of the Nova 5 with soapy water. No
	wonder it crashed and the entire crew died. (looks at
	Lister) If I'd had help, that drive plate would have been
	reinstalled properly. And it couldn't have blown off
	releasing all that radiation that killed the crew, and ME!
Lister: You can't blame me with that. you could have asked
	someone else from our watch. Besides. Fixing a drive plate
	is a one man job.
Rimmer: How did you know that?
Lister: I read the manual.
Rimmer: (looks disgusted, and accidentally flares his
	nostrils.)
Cat: (runs in so fast we can see the sequins fall off his
	suit.) Come quick.
Lister: I like to take me time, actually.
Cat: Wha? No not that. Come take a look. You ain't gonna
	believe this.
Kryten: What is it.
Cat: It's Starbug. A red Starbug.
All: A RED STARBUG!?!?!
Cat: That's what I said. You guys got hearing problems or what?

(the drive room in Red Dwarf. Everyone is there. Holly’s face
is looking neutrally blank.)

Lister: Where did it come from, man?
Holly: Hmm, oh, space.
Rimmer: A little more precise, perhaps?
Holly: That wormhole.
Rimmer: Which wormhole?
Holly: The one that’s just dissapered.
Rimmer: (rolls eyes heavenwards) Typical. Hail them. And go to
	blue alert.
Lister: Who do you think you are?
Rimmer: The senior officer. Now hail them, go to blue alert,
	and don't give me any crap about changing the light
	bulbs..
Kryten: Channel open, blue alert initiated. (the room darkens
	and a blue light flashes on and off dimly in one corner,
	eventually going out.)
Rimmer: (re light) Ye gods, is it too much to ask for?. To
	unidentified vessel,
Cat: It's Starbug, can't you see that?
Rimmer: Silence! Identify your self or else we will be forced
	to surrender, completely and utterly. Thank you.
Lister: You are a smeg head, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Your on report for that. Oh, god. What if their aliens?
	They properly want to bring back obnoxious people like
	Peterson.
Lister: Peterson was not obnoxious.
Rimmer: He was your friend. That's reason enough not to want
	him back. (grabs hold of microphone.) WE DON'T WANT
	HIM!!!! WE DON'T WANT HIM!! YOU HEAR THAT? WE-
Lister: Rimmer, will you cut it out? Red Dwarf to starbug.
	Please identify your selves.

(on the view screen, Kristien Kochanski appears.)

Rimmer + Kryten: Oh god not her again.
Cat: (huge smile across his face.) Hey! Officer with cute bum
	present.
Lister: Krisie?
Kochanski: Hi Dave. I see you lot still have your ship in one
	piece.
Lister: Yeah, I mean, what did you expect?
Kochanski: Well, with the way the cat drives.
Cat: Smooth, baby, smooth.

(everybody gives him a look.)

Kochanski: OK if we come aboard for a little R&R?
Rimmer + Kryten: NO!!
Lister: Sure, come aboard. Looking forward to seeing you.
Rimmer: What are you thinking off?
Lister: (raises eyebrows.)
Rimmer: (looks heavenwards) Oh typical.

(cut to DS9. Sisko's office)

Sisko: Well, Nerys. how does it feel to know you’ll be given
	birth in a few days?
Kira: Great. Man, my gut looks awful. Can't wait to get it back
	into shape.
Sisko: And how does it feel to know you’ll be a father again,
	O'Brian?
O'Brian: I'm lost for words. All I can think of is.... Thank
	you Nery's.
Kira: Your welcome, Miles.
Sisko: (raises eyebrow. It stays that way.) Have you decided on
	a name yet?
O'Brian: Not yet, sir.
Sisko: Well, you better think of one soon.
O'Brian: Aye sir.
No-name voice/com: Sir, we are picking up ten Jem'Hadar attack
	ships coming out of the wormhole.
Sisko: Damn. I knew the writters wouldn't let all that peace
	and quiet stay around. Yellow alert. Activate Shields and
	weapons. Get Worf onto the Defiant, get Pilots to the
	Runabouts. We're gonna kick some butt.
Kira: (rather too enthusiastically) Aye sir!
O'Brian: (looks terrified at that last remark) Where do you
	think your going?
Kira: (raises eyebrows.)
O'Brian: Oh no. . . .
Kira: Relax, it's a commercial break.
O'Brain: Phew.

(Insert Commercial break)

Borg Improvements. See all the whacky things Seven of Nine gets
up to when she sets up home and starts her own DIY show.

(cut to studio made up to look like a workshop, with special
guest, Norm Abrahem from "This old house".)

Norm: Now, to use this sand paper, to cut the door's frame
	properly you have to…
Seven: That is an ineficent method of wood carving. A more
	efficent way is to use this hand phaser, (whips out a hand
	phaser and carves along the door frame creating a perfect
	design on the front and back, as well as sanding the door)
	and set it to level 1 for a more effective technique.
Norm: Uh, yeah.

And then there is life at home,

(Cut to a single story open plan house, with a kitchen unit
with all the regular units and equipment you'd expect, plus a
Borg regenertion unit in the corner, with Seven in it. The
camera pans across to a window to show the fence of the back
garden, which has Harry Kim looking over it, with Binoculars,
which he quickly replaces with a cam-corder.)

Or, rather there isn't. But who cares? It's got Seven in it,
Hell she's got soooo many new skin tight outfits to wear, with
variation's based on Troi's "uniform".

Borg Improvements, right after Borgwatch, most likely on UPN in
America, and maybe ITV in the UK.

(End commercial break)

(cut to shot of the Defiant leaving DS9, followed by the
Runabouts. DS9's weapons systems are seen activating
themselves. The Jem'Hadar start to attack without mercy. So the
Defiant kicks the butts of about five of them while the others
scream on by to DS9.)

Dax: Ben! Their beaming into the station.
Sisko: Sisko to Odo. We got Jem'Hadars on the station. Kick
	their Dinosaur like butts off it.
Odo: Aye sir.
Dax: Ben! One of the war ships is on a suicide course.
Sisko: With who?
Dax: Upper pylon two.
Sisko: . . . . . . . Shit.

(cut to shot of space. The Starbug approaches Red Dwarf and
docks next to the regular green Starbug. Cut to one of red
Dwarf's "night clubs" The regulars are there as well as the
alternative Kochanski, Lister, Cat and Kryten.)

Rimmer: I thought this was supposed to be an alternative crew
	of us?
Lister: It is, but in their reality Kochanski took Frankenstein
	off me, and she got caught with her. She was placed in
	stasis and I was brought back as a hologram to keep her
	sane.
Rimmer: What about me?
Holo Lister: What about you?
Rimmer: What happened to my disk?
Holo Lister: We used your disk as a Frisbee.
Rimmer: What?!?! (starts to throw a punch at Holo Lister who
	blocks and then beats the shit out of Rimmer.) OW! Stop!
	This is insurboadination!
Alternative Cat: So how do you like my suit?
Cat: I love it. How many sequins do you have?
Alter Cat: I dunno. Count. (spins around and everyone is
dazzled by the millions upon millions of sequins on his suit.)
All: Arrgh!
Holo Lister: Arrgh. Cat, give us a warning man. So we can put
	on some kind of protection. Like those face masks wielders
	use.
Alter Cat: Sorry. (to Cat) So what about you?
Cat: I dunno. Count. (spins around and blinds everyone else
	again.)
Al: Arrrgh!!!!! CAT!!!!
Cat: Gotta go. (Sprints off.)
Kryten: I always meant to ask the last time we met. Why the
	golden suit?
Gold Kryten: In my universe, all mechanoids have gold suits.
Kryten: I bet you love to clean that suit. I know I would.
Gold Kryten: (looks disgusted) Uh, yes. You don't get out much?
	Do you?
Lister: So, still a hard light hologram then?
Holo Lister: Yep. A very HARD light hologram.
Lister: And still jumping Krissies bones?
Holo Lister: Oh yes.
Lister: (under breath) Bastard. (normal) And you still can't
	eat or drink?
Holo Lister:  Er, no. I can't.
Lister: (takes a very long swig of larger. Holo Lister looks
	annoyed.) Care for some vinadloo? (pushes some over to
	Kochanski.)
Kochanski: (looks down at the brown coloured, foil packaged
	meal and reels away in disgust) No thanks.

(cut to space. A Gelf ship can be seen approaching. Weapons
ready.)

Holly: Alert. Alert. There’s an alert going on, it's going on,
	and it's still going on. Gelf ship approaching. Weapons
	ready.
Lister: Can you get an ID?
Holly: Yes Dave.
Lister: Well?
Holly: (pause) It's your wife, Dave.
Lister: Not?
Kryten: (looking at console) It is, sir. It's, (takes a deep
	breath) Hagahahahagahaghag-hagagaghag (deep breath)
	hahaghagaghag! Of the Kintowowie.

(at this point the ship starts to shake and rattle and the
entire crew falls down to the floor.)

Kryten: And they want you back, sir.
Alter Cat: What’s the score with this babe?
Lister: This is no Babe, this is some kind of Yeti, descendent
	from a Mousse and cross bread with a yak.
Rimmer: You've dated worse.
Holo Lister: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a
	long story?
Rimmer: (chuckling) It is, oh it is.
Kochanski: We got to get the weapons systems on our starbug
	ready.
Holo Lister: Right. Kryten, Cat with me. Kris, you stay here.
Kochanski: What?
Holo Lister: The dimension jump weakened the hull. Your the
	last human alive. We can't risk losing you. You stay here.
Kochanski: But-

(by this time, the rest of her crew have left. Cut to DS9.
Sisko's office.)

Sisko: (armed with phaser rifles in both hands) REPORT!!!!
Dax: (places a finger in one of her ears to ease the ringing.)
	Odo has the Jem'Hadar under control. Just as well we had
	all those Klingon at Quarks bar.
Sisko: Eh?
Dax: They kicked the Jem'Hadars butts. They do after all live
	for this.
Sisko: Oh.

(cut to space battle. Starbug and the Gelf ship. The Gelf ship
is mercilessly blasting away at the bug. The camera moves in
towards starbug very fast. We can see the engine section can't
take much more. suddenly a laser blast tears away part of the
hull. The wormhole opens up again sucking in the Gelf ship,
Starbug and after a bit of a struggle, Red Dwarf. Cut to battle
at DS9. The remaining Jem'Hadars are blasting away at the
station when the Defiant arrives. They break off their attack
and fly off towards the wormhole when, another wormhole opens,
depositing the Red Dwarf, Starbug, and the Gelf vessels. Most
of the Jem'Hadars crash into the asteroid underneath Red Dwarf.
the Gelfs start to attack everything they can and destroy the
remaining Jem'Hadar vessel. It then turns on the crippled
Starbug and mercilessly blasts it out of existence. Cut to Red
Dwarf control room. Everyone is staring in horror at the
remains of Starbug.)

Kochanski: Oh, no.
Lister: I'm sorry Krissi.
Cat: Me too.
Rimmer: Well, at times like this. You know things can't get any
	worse.

(Everyone looks at Rimmer in disgust.)

Rimmer: WHAT?
Kryten: (suddenly realises what this means.) Oh NO! This means
	we're stuck with her.
Kochanski: Oh god, no. Not again.
Lister: (tries to look neutral, but you can see he's still
	interested in Kochanski.)
Kryten: (whinging) I'm going to lose you to her. I know I am.
	And I know why too.  All those, iny outy bits she has,
	that I don't. (breaks down in tears.)
Kochanski: Wha? Dave? What is it with him?
Lister: I'm not sure. I think he must have a few more things
	messed up in there other then his guilt chip.
Kryten: I do not have anything wrong with me.
Cat: Bud, you're the one who tried to clean a navigational
	computer with soapy water. Your the one who gets an orgasm
	every time you clean laundry, your the one who has three
	spare heads and a spare arm that all hate him. But most
	importantly, you're the one who put in a red sock with my
	washing and ruined exactly one millionth of my clothes.
Kryten: There is nothing wrong with me.
Rimmer: this is all very nice, but what about the fact that
	Lister's Misses and her crew are now boarding us?
All: Oh SMEG! ! ! ! ! !

(cut to the bridge of the Defiant. Worf is sitting in his chair
barking orders. Bashir is trying to rationalise with him.)

Bashir: But Commander, we can't fight the Jem'Hadar any more.
	They're all dead.
Worf: You fool. Have you forgotten. They have access to
	cloaking technology?
Bashir: WE! JUST! BLEW! THEM! ALL! UP!
Worf: Oh. Well, I need new enemies to fight. And stop acting
	like Kirk.
No-name #1: Sir. A vessel that destroyed a Jem'Hadar ship, and
	then a vessel marked Starbug, is now boarding a vessel
	marked Red Dwarf.
Worf: Starbug? Red Dwarf? Why are those names so familiar?
Bashir: (holds a hand over his face) Good grief man. can't you
	remember Spoof Trek?
Worf: This is a sequel?
Bashir: (slowly so Worf can understand) Yes.
Worf: Then the writer has no honour and we must destroy Starbug
	so this parody can end on time, instead of dragging on for
	another thirteen episodes.
Bashir: Starbug was destroyed by the other vessel, which is
	attacking, no, boarding, Red Dwarf.
Worf: The honourless, Bastards. For that I will destroy them.
	For I wish to destroy Red Dwarf.
Sisko voice/com: Sisko to Defiant, I want you to defend Red
	Dwarf against that vessel.
Worf: Oh man. I wanted to destroy Red Dwarf.
Sisko: Tough. Red Dwarf are friends, Worf. We don't attack
	friends.
Worf: But, they have not returned our hails. Friends would
	return Hails.
Bashir: We haven't hailed anyone. Except the Jem'Hadar's. And
	that was a message.
Sisko: And it was?
Bashir: (looking at Worf) Today is a good day to die, Jem’Hadar
	scum balls. 
Worf: Aaaaaargogah.
Sisko: Wha? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Worf: Tension breaker.
Sisko: Oh.
Worf: Why must we save those weaklings onboard Red Dwarf?
Sisko: Cos otherwise, there wouldn't be an episode, would
	there?
Worf: SO? I'm not worried. I've got Star Trek 9 to star in yet,
	that will bring in some cash.
Sisko: Also, Dax is ready to wear even less of that swimsuit
	she wore on Risa again, if, you help Red Dw-
Worf: LAY IN A COURSE! WARP 9!!!!!

(cut to DS9. Ops.)

Sisko: works every time.
Dax: What works?
Sisko: (smiling) Best you don't know. (Jem'Hadar sneaks up
behind him.)
Dax: BEN! !
Sisko: (accidentally fires Phaser rifles which are resting on
	top of his shoulders. Jem'Hadar disappears with that
	expression everyone has on their faces when their
	molecules are disrupted.) What?
Dax: Nothing.

(cut to Red Dwarf. The Defiant has now docked next to Starbug 1
and the GELF vessel. Worf is issuing orders to his security
teams.)

Worf: OK! Vict- er, people. Set your phasers to stun, unless
	you want to see that funny look on their faces when you
	disrupt their molecules and spread them accross thin air
	never to be reunited. Remember, we are here to save the
	lives of the last human from another dimension, a
	humanoid, a mechonoid with a hyper active guilt chip, and
	an insane hologram. Shoot anything else. Except
	yourselves.
Bashir: What about their demented computer? Hilly?
Worf: You mean Holly? Destroying that would only improve
	matters on this ship.

(Worf, Bashir and the more likely then not, doomed security
teams set off on their mission. Cut to a dark corridor. Bashir
and his five men are slowly walking down it, waving phaser
riffles about randomly and trying to look tough.)

Bashir: (looking at Tricoder) I'm getting.... something. (they
	all move forward a bit more slowly.) Can't quite get a
	clear reading. (the security team stop moving. They look
	terrified.) It's almost as if it's some kind of
	crossbreed, between a shark, Lion and a piranha? (hits
	tricorder a few times, then looks up into the face of an
	eight foot tall, shaggy creature, with fins on it's back,
	a shark like tail and loads of horrible little teeth. This
	is one of many types of GELFS.)
	AAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (suddenly the creature
	disappears in an explosion of blood, guts and various
	little pieces of bone. Bashir, now shaking like a leaf,
	turns to thank his security team.) Th, th, Th. Tha, thank
	yo- BEHIND YOU!! (the security team turn around, only to
	be slaughtered by several GELFS, some that look very
	similar to the one they just destroyed. Bashir, realising
	that there is nothing he can do for his men, turns tail
	and runs for it.) 

Bashir: Take care of them men.

(The scene cuts to a similar one in a dark passage on Red
Dwarf. Worf and his team are taking on what appears to be a
group of grizzly bear based Hippo's. Worf has personally hacked
three to death with his Met'lath. Deciding he needs some more
hardcore weaponry, Worf picks up a BFG 9000 Phaser Bazooka and
then proceeds to mow down everything in sight. GELF's, humans,
you name it, creatures from Doom, Quake II, etc.)

Worf: Opps. (also turns tail and runs for it when he sees
	several armoured GELF's coming his way) Running from an
	Armadillo/pit bull, who'd have thought it?

(Cut to an intersection where we can see two different
corridors merging together. Worf and Bashir can be seen running
down both of them and yes they do indeed collide with each
other and the camera man, causing him to fall over cursing at
them.)

Worf: DOCTOR!
Bashir: (muffled) What?
Worf: Where are your team?
Bashir: Dead. Where's yours?
Worf: Dead. They were, er, slaughtered by grizzly's. Yeah,
	that’s the ticket.
Bashir: Slaughtered by GRIZZLY'S?
Worf: Yeah, Grizzly's. What killed yours?
Bashir: Shark's. And Piranha's, and Lion's.
Worf: You expect me to believe that?
Bashir: You expect me to believe you?
Worf: I am your superior.
Bashir: (smug) Only in rank.
Worf: Grrrrrrr.
Bashir: Fine, let's just get on with our job, eh?
Worf: Fine, I'll take this corridor to the left (points to
	right) you take this corridor to the right (points to
	left)
Bashir: Tell you what. Let's stick together.
Worf: And have no honour?
Bashir: Fine. We’ll stay separate then. Undoubtedly we’ll be
	picked off one by one by those creatures and die a
	horrible death.
Worf: Erm, let's stick together then.
Camera Man: What about me?
Worf: You stay here.

(cut to social area in Red Dwarf. The Dwarfers are there,
barricading themselves in there with what ever they can find.)

Kryten: Let's just be glad that none of the GELF's have shape
	shifting powers. Otherwise they could come through the air
	vents.
All: (realise that that's the one place they haven't sealed)
	SHIT!!! (suddenly an air vent is kicked open. The Dwarfers
	all aim their weapons at it and prepare to fire until Worf
	comes through.)
Kochanski: What the hell is that?
Lister: Oh, that’s Worf.
Worf: Oh! Hi, Dave. We are here to rescue you.
Kochanski: You sure that isn't a GELF?
Worf: GELF?
Kryten: Genetically Engineered Life Form.
Worf: Ah, so that's what killed our men.
Lister: You’re men?
Bashir: (climbing out of air vent) Several groups attacked us
	and slaughtered our men. (loses footing and falls to the
	ground) Ow!
Kochanski: My god! Is there a Doctor on the ship?
Bashir: (moaning while under remains of a table) Yes, right
	here.
Kochanski: Wha?
Worf: He is the Doctor.
Kochanski: Dr Who?
Rimmer: No. Dr Bashir, not Dr Who.
Cat: Whoa? How'm I looking? (pulls out mirror) I'm looking
	good.
Lister: Cat, we have no time for that. We have to leave now.
	The GELF's have taken over the ship.
Holly: What about me?
Kryten: Your an integrailae part of Red Dwarf systems. They
	won't damage you unless they want to ruin the ship.
Holly: Oh, ok, thanks. I think.
Rimmer: Giving the intelligence of a GELF, I think the ship is
	doomed. Mind you, giving the intelligence of Holly, I'm
	surprised we haven't collided with something.
Worf: Who cares? Let's get out of here.
Lister: Don't worry Hol, man. We’ll be back for you.
Kochanski: Wait. How do we get out?
Bashir: We climb out through the air vents of course.
All: Ohhh.

(and so the crew do this and eventually find themselves in a
corridor identical to all the others on Red Dwarf, thanks to
the lousy, cheapo BBC types. Suddenly all the security
protocol's are put in place and all the doors slam shut and the
air vent's are covered. Over the intercom, Lister's GELF bride
can be heard speaking.)

Lister: OK, Kryter's. What does she want?
Kryten: I'll translate sir. Apparently, she wants you, still.
	And she’s willing to let us all go, alive. If you go back
	to her.
Lister: Not a chance in hell. We got to get out of here.
Worf: I'll blast the doors down (fires phaser at doors. Nothing
	happens.) Damn.
Cat: I know. We plug in a few laser wielders to the wall
	sockets then we use them to cut open the doors, and we
	fight our way to freedom.
Kryten: A good plan, sir, but with some minor problems. Two
	actually. One being that we don't have sockets for laser
	Blaster’s. But that doesn't matter because of point two,
	laser wielders don't exist.
Rimmer: Point three we've had this conversation before, you
	flea bitten moggy.
Bashir: Also if Phaser's had no effect on it, I doubt laser's
	would have any effect either.
Kochanski: (looks at Bashir, interested) Really?
Bashir: (also interested in her) Yes, in fact- (gives a
	detailed analysis about why lasers wouldn't work when
	phaser didn't.)
Worf: There must be some way to get those doors down.
Lister: Yeah, there is. We need something made of metal, six
	feet tall, and with a flat bit at the top.
Kryten: (groaning) Not again.

What does Kryten mean, "not again"? Is there some kind of
romance going on between Kochanski and Bashir? Will Lister's
"wife" ever get him back? will Rimmer stop being a dork? Will
the Cat ever stop looking in his mirror? Not likely. Find out
in, part two.

CONTINUE TO PART TWO