Spoof Trek: The confused generation
By David Hopper
 
{advance apoliges to Jason Donner and all the other writters who's
stories I'm using as "back story" for this parody. You should read 
Since the world is holow I must have touched the ground, and Space: 
Behind and between. Hope you like it.}

You have my permission to copy it as long as you keep my name on it,
blah, blah, blah and all that legal crap that shouldn't applly to a 
satrie but is for some reason always included.

Guest Stars:
Mark Lenard as the Romulan commander.
The Conservative party as the Romulan crew.
Ronald Reagan as himself.
Tiger Woods as the golfer saying "I am Tiger woods".
And Leslie Neilson as the golfer in the background giving advice to
Tiger Woods.

Part one: Orange swirlling thingy.

Captain's log: Stardate 4562.3 We have a serious medical problem on board 
	ship. It's time for my medical and god help me I don't want to go. 
	Those lolipops Bones gives away afterwards are awfull.
Kirk: Status, Mr.Sulu.
Sulu: Traverlling like a bat out of hell in a straight line at warp 13,
	sir.
Kirk: So nothings changed there then, business as usual.
Sulu: Aye sir.
Kirk: (Eyes Uhura) Do you have any shorter skirts women? That thing is
	more like a belt then a skirt.
Uhura: (Looks down) Damm! I forgot to put it on again.
Kirk: Report to my quarters for disciplinary action lieutenant.
Uhura: Aye sir. (stands up reveiling her knickers as she uncrosses her
	legs, removes ear piece and exits.)
Spock: Captain, I believe this is not actualy permitted.
Kirk: Explain.
Spock: I believe your disciplinary action is just an excuse to get the
	lieutenant into your bed.
Kirk: Well, I haven't had any sex in nearly two episodes, and shes
	obviously gaging for it. I mean that skirt is sooooooo short.
Spock: Jim, need I remind you that when Dr McCoy catches up with you, he
	will have to perform all the new standard Starfleet tests. Which 
	include sperm and seamen levels.
Kirk: Why, why seamen levels?
Spock: The writer is a bit of a perve, captain.
Checkov: Keptain, Klingon wessel decloaking off the port bow. (Takes a
	swig out of a bottle of what looks like vodka.)
Kirk: Whats he blithering on about?
Spock: Captain, with my keen vulcan sense of smell, and my vulcan logic,
	I deduce that Checkov is pissed.
McCoy: (walks through turbo lift doors) Jim, someones stolen a bottle of
	my best medical alchol.
Kirk: Not now Bones.
McCoy: Jim, they also stolen a bottle of Romulan ale.
Checkov: (Fiddles with the controls and takes another swig) wheeee!
	(every one starts to roll about the deck in different directions, 
	Sulu takes over control).
Sulu: Resuming course, sir.
Kirk: (picks up a female member of crew) You ok? My quarters later
	tonight.
Spock: (still sitting at his seat) Captin, there is a large unknown
	energy source emerging to the starboard bow.
Kirk: How can the sensors detect it?
Spock: Ask the writter.
Kirk: (to screen) Well?
Scriptwritter's voiceover: How should I know. It's always worked like
	that in the past. You should have asked the other writers who 
	wrote this stuff for a living.
McCoy: I don't think this guys got the talent, Jim.
Scritwritter: Hump!!
Spock: Captain, we are being hailed.
Kirk: How? I thought this was some kind of strange anomloly that would
	kill anyone else who investigated it, except us of course. Not 
	something capale of.... comunication. (looks at auto cue again) 
	Comunicating.
Spock: Whilst you and the good doctor were insulting the scriptwritter,
	he has altered the whole plotline.
Kirk: Meaning?
McCoy: Jim this is a vulcan your talking to. He'll give you about twenty
	posssiblities that just won't come true, and then he'll come up 
	with another idea that was the right one all the time and give 
	some god dammed logical reason as to why he didn't see it the 
	first time.
Kirk: How did you manage all that on one breath?
McCoy: (whezing) Practice.
Spock: Captain, I belive that you should answer the hail. We should have
	visual of their ship in a minute, by which time we can achieve 
	visual contact.
McCoy: You just said that we'd have visual contact twice now you green
	blooded cross bred.
Spock: Forgive me doctor. I meant visual contact as in communication,
	the second time round.
McCoy: Huhh?
Checkov: (rolling about on the floor) whee! (stand up and presses a few
	buttons).Whee!
Spock: Captain! He's fired the photons!!

(Outside, a Romulan Warbird from the next generation materilses in the
anomoly. It fires two phasers that destroy the torpedoes.)

Ensign: Captain the ship has hailed us again.
Kirk: On screen.

(a Romulan appears on screen)

Romulan (played by Mark Lenard): Who are you? Why do you attack us?
	Don't you relise that we can destroy five of your vessels at 
	once?
Kirk: I am Capatin James.T.Kirk of the starship, Enterprise, her five
	year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life 
	forms and civilizations. To boldy go where no man has gone before!
Spock: I don't believe you had to go through the opening credits
	Captain.
McCoy: Yeah it does get a bit borring at times.
Romulan: Kirk?
Kirk: Yes, Kirk You'v heard of me? (Romulan nods head slowly.) The
	attack was an accident, our naigator is something of an alcholic, 
	as we have discovered only a few minutes ago. And since we are the 
	hero's, we would win a battle with you.
Romulan: Wanna bet?
Kirk: Yeah!
Romulan: Why would you win?
Kirk: Because I have a couple of dates lined up for afterwards. And this
	writer is something of a perve. You do look a bit familar, though.
Spock: (to Romulan) Father?
Romulan: (Distracted by another romulan.) Youll have to excuse me one
	minute. Sarek I mean Mark Lenard, I mean Romulan out. (Romulan 
	disapears and is replaced by stars.)
McCoy: How rude.
Sulu: Do you think it was Checkov's breath?
Scotty: (over the intercom.) Cap'nain. The engines canna take it any
	longer.
Kirk: But we're at all stop.
Scotty: Exactly, they wanna keep going.
Kirk: Take your self off for a medical Mr.Scott. Bones, get to sick bay.
McCoy: Oh, alright. (heads off for turbo lift) grumble, groan, moan,
	whinge, whine, bugger. (Suddenly realises) Hey, Jim. I just 
	remebered. It's time for your medical.

(run opening credits of the next generations)

(Out side another ship appears, it's the Enterprise D. It's closely
followed by the Red Dwarf.)

Spock: Captain, it the Enterprise D. A ship from the future, named in
	this ships honour. It even has the same registry number.
Kirk: Lifesigns?
Spock: Over a thousand life signs. Including an android, and a klingon.
Sulu: Should I put them out of their misery and destroy their ship sir?
Kirk: Don't be absurb. We wait untill they hail us, piss them off, set
	them against each other and let them start to attack each other.
Spock: We are being hailed by the Red Drawf.
Kirk: The what?
Spock: The big red ship, behind the Enterprise D.
Kirk: Any sign of intelligent life?
Spock: Only the rats.
Kirk: Ignore hail. I'm not talking to rats.

(cut to red drawf, Lister and Rimmer in the obs room.)

Rimmer: Aliens, it is aliens. See, I told you they existed, but you
	would never believe me.
Lister: (grabs hold of Rimmers light bee and bashes it off the table)
Rimmer: How dare you strike a superior officer?
Lister: Rimmer, you can't be a superior officer, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Why? Because I'm dead? It's because I'm dead. Honstly some
	people are so mindless and disrespectuful.
Lister: Actully I was going to say: You can't be superior, because your
	you.
Rimmer: Oh ha ha.
Lister: Only people that can't think of a witty reply say ha ha.
Rimmer: (throws his shoulders up in the air) oh ha ha.
Lister: Rimmer, you are really beyond help.
Rimmer: I'm a hologram, I'm dead. Of course I'm beyond help.
Cat: (walks in the room) Hey, how come when ever I plug in my hairdryer
	in the sockets, something like this happens?
Rimmer: Smeg knows, although Captain Picard will no doubt be wondering
	where the hell his ship is.
Kryten: Well I've disconected the hairdryer and put it in a stasis
	chamber. (to Cat) Sir, I'd like to take this opertunity to say 
	that you are a complete and utter SSMMMMEEE HEEEEAA.
Cat: Thats what you said the last time, bud.
Rimmer: Oh stop arguing. Sensors indicate that the Romulan Warbird is
	powering up it's weapons, and the Starship from this time line is 
	currently scanning us.
Lister: What ship is it Holl?
Holly: The Enterprise.
Lister: The Enterptrise is over there Holl.
Holly: THE Enterprise, the original Enterprise.
Lister: The original Enterprise?
Holly: Yes, Dave.
Lister: The original Enterprise?
Holly: Yes, Dave.
Lister: (to Rimmer) The original Enterprise?
Rimmer: Yes Dav- Oh shut up! (checks inventory) Well if we have to put
	up with Kirk, I think we'd better brake out the sick bags
Lister: Why?
Rimmer: He's a scene stealing, womanising, self obsessed, self concerned
	no hoper, who's crew hates him, and who has the same sexual 
	fantasies as all those bisexuals characters played by Sharon Stone.
Cat: So, he and you should get on like a house on fire.
Lister: (holding up his hands) Ok, ok. When are we going to start being
	mature here guys?
Kryten: Your forgeting something sir.
Lister: What? Rimmers dead? Cat evolved from Cats?
Kryten: No sir. Guess again.
Lister: I'm stumped, man, what is it?
Kryten: Well, sir I don't mean to intrude but, you aren't wearing any
	trousers.
Lister: What? (looks down his trousers are on) oh very funny.
Kryten: I'm just loving this lie mode option.
Rimmer: Hang on, the Enterprise is hailing us.
Picard off screen: Are you reponsible for this time warp like effect?
Rimmer: Well, (points to Cat) yesanditwasentirlyhisfaultsir!!
Worf off screen:Permission to fire a photon torpedo at the Red Dwarf
	sir?
Rimmer: No, pleasedon'tkillme. Killthecatbutleavemeplease.
Cat: Well if novelty condom head would put in decent sockets in my
	quarters, (hits Kryten on the head) none of this would happen.
Worf: Jeaze what a wuss.
Picard: Permission denied. (Worf growls in the background) It's just
	that the long range scanners picked up something before we 
	traveled through time.
Rimmer: What?  Klingons
Worf: humph.
Rimmer: Gulp. Er, more Romulans?
Picard: Even worse.
Lister: What then, man?
Picard: The Borg.
Kryten: Panic mode activated. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
	We'rallgonnadie! We'rallgonnadie! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! 
Lister: oh gods. Kryten, shut up.
Krten: We'reallgonnadie!
Rimmer: (grabs hold of his holo remote and switches his hardlight drive
	on. Grabs hold of a spannner and smashes it on Krytens head) I'm 
	the coward here, if anyones going to scream and beg for his life 
	it's gonna be me!
Kryten: Appoligies sir. (Starts to panel beat his head) Please feel free
	to carry on sir.
Picard off screen: We can't handle the Borg by ourselves, we'll need all
	the help we can get. I will attempt to start communicating with 
	the original Enterprise.
Lister: We just tried, they ignored us.
Picard: Well, they won't ignore me. Picard out.

(cut to Enterprise D as Rimmer starts to panic in the same way as
Kryten)

Picard: Hail them.
Worf: Hailing frequecies open.
Picard: Enterprise D to Enterprise, hello Kirk.

(A fat looking man who looks like he's on a diet appears.)

Picard: (screws up his eyes) Kirk?
Man: Affraid not. I'm his stunt double.
Picard: What?
Man: Captain Kirk is otherwise preoccupied with some disciplinary action
	with lieutenant Uhura about her skirt size.

(Spock appears)

Spock: I will deal with this. (stunt man walks away) Hello Captain. The
	captain is actully busy having his medical. Could you tell me what 
	is going on. How do the Romulans have access to such a large ship?
Picard: They are from my time line. The Romulans are more war like then
	ever. I think that ship could easly destroy yours.
Spock: Unlikely.
Picard: It out guns you twenty you one!
Data off screen: twenty two point seven to one sir.
Picard: Thank you Mr Data. Mr Spock, it could anhilate you.
Spock: Unlikely. Captain Kirk has a date on this evening, and nothing is
	going to stop him getting that girl.
Picard: (slaps his head.) Look, we have a problem. Some Cyborgs from our
	diemension are going to be following us in. It would be a good 
	idea to get as many ships into this area to attack them.
Spock: But this would be a first contact situation. We should make peace
	no-
Picard: Shut up you pointy eared elve. These things are dangerous. Their
	first line to you would be we are the Borg. Resistence is futile.
Spock: There is no logical reason why they would be s-
Picard: They are hell bound on merging all other races to their own.
	They even accept Vulcan/human cross breeds.
Spock: There is no need to insult me, Captain.
Picard: Yes there is. When Kirk comes back, tell him to beam over.

(insert advert)
BBC2 presents, Deep Space Nine in no techinical proplems what so ever.

O'Brian: I can't understand it sir, everythings working. 
Sisko: Even the replicators?
O'Brian: (replecates a cup of tea) yes, amazing.

But things take a turn for the worst.

Q: Ah sisko. Love the hair and beard. Let me guess, came with your
	promotion?
Sisko: Oh shit, you had to turn up.
Q: DS9 dissapears and is replaced by a keidascopically coloured void.
Sisko: Q! Take us back!
Q:No. Not unless you have my baby.
Sisko: Wrong seris, Q.
Will they survive? Find out soon.

(end advert)

(Cut to sick bay, Kirk is seen leaving.)

McCoy: (waves a tricorder over Scotty) How do you feel Scot?
Scotty: Aye, haggis, hoots mabob.
McCoy: (takes out a hypo spray) Ah ha. (injects Scotty) Just rest a
	while.
Scotty: Campbells- (faints)
McCoy: Nurse Chapell!

(There is no sign of the nurse)

McCoy: Nurse Chapel.
Chapel: (arives with her hair dyed black) Oh shit, I thought this was a
	remake of the first pilot.
McCoy: What are you blithering on about women?
Chapel: I played no1 in the first episode, along side Spock.
McCoy: Yes, but your a nurse,
Chapel: (suddenly goes completly straight and rigid) ++INCORRECT DATA++
McCoy: Wha?
Chapel: ++I AM THE SHIPS COMPUTER, NOT A NURSE++
McCoy: Uh oh. Cross series confusion syndrome.(moves accross to a
	intercom panel)
McCoy to bridge. We have a problem. Nurse Chapel is suffering from Cross
	series confusion syndrome. I'm going to isolate her in sick bay.
Spock: Understood. Is there a cure?
McCoy: Unusualy for us, yes. And I do have the ingrediants right on
	board, trouble is it'l take three hours to mix it up.
Spock: There had to be some set back. It's the logical conclusion.
McCoy: So long as I don't contract it, and wind up being a vilian in
	some Goddammed western I've been in, we should be fine.
Spock: Understood. Don't silence a dog by shooting it like you used to. 
McCoy: Why you, you green blooded, half human, pointy eare-

(cut to bridge)

Spock: Spock out

(McCoy is still talking as he's cut off Kirk and Uhura enter the bridge)

Spock: Ah, Captain.
Kirk: Who?
Spock: You of course.
Kirk: I'm no captain, I'm T.J.Hooker
Uhura: (starts to sign a night club song)
Sulu: Oh shit. now we'r in for it.

(shot of spock, dramatic music, spock seems to change a bit)

Spock: Resistance is futile, we will make you part of us. You will live
	a better life as one of us. Sleep, sleep.
Sulu: Sir?
Spock: You will find that life with no emotions is a good life. (Sulu
	pulls out a phaser, Spock points a finger and starts to scream in 
	a continus voice)
Checkov: (get's up off the floor where he was left) Vhat the?
Sulu: (to Spock) Ah shadaup. (fires the phaser, Spock falls over as he
	is stunned)
Checkov: Vhat is going on?
Sulu: People are staring to change. Turning into other charactors
	they've played in tv shows.
Checkov: Ve should be safe. Oh Shit.
Sulu: What?
Checkov: I had a part in Babylon 5! (starts to change)
Sulu: (points phaser at Cheeckoff) Traitor!
Checkov: I'm a Psi12. You don't stand a chance. I can read you mind and
	make you do thing.
Sulu: I always thought you were a size nine. Take this (shots Checkof)
	Sulu to sickbay, better hurry up with that vaczine, doctor.
McCoy: Ah shut up, whares that dog, I wanna shot a dog (we hear a
	barking dog then a gun shot on the intercom. The dog whines and 
	dies.)
Sulu: Oh brilliant!

What is going on? Why is Spock acting like a body snatcher? Why did
Walter Koenig accept that job on Bablyon 5? Why won't William Shatner 
Piss off and die? For the answear to most of those questions tune in to 
this parody next week,

same bat time,
same bat web page. 
To be continued.




Part 2:  Borged to death.
All hell broke lose after Cat plugged his hair dryer into a socket in
the command cenrte of Red Drawf, causing it and the Enterprise D to be 
catupulted back in time to meet up with the Enterprise. Also some Romulans 
tagged along and now the Borg are on there way. For legal reasons I can't 
explain why William Shatner won't piss off and die in this episode.

(cut to Enterprise D. Picard is looking at the screen, Riker is smiling
into space)

Picard: what are you smiling about No1?
Riker: Nothing.
Worf: We are being hailed.
Picard: on screen. (Riker takes this distraction to make himself a large
	mayonnaise filled sandwich, some of which dripps on to his uniform)

(Sulu appears)

Sulu: We'r in deep shit now Captain. Everybody else is contracting some
	kind of virus that makes them change into other charactors that 
	they've palyed. The Captain thinks he's T.J.Hooker, Uhura is 
	singing like she's in a night club, Mr Spock thinks he's a
	body snatcher, Checkov turned into someone from Babylon 5 and the 
	Doctor is some bad guy from a western that's shooting people.
Picard: Well, you seem to be up shit creek aren't you? Is there a cure?
Sulu: The doctor was working on one, we actually have the ingrediants on
	board.
Picard: Thats a turn up for the books. Good.
Sulu: But he turned into a western cowboy, keeps shoting an imaginary
	dog to shut it up.
Worf: Recomend we destroy the Enterprise to prevent contamination.
Picard: Good grief, that would pollute the time line. No. (to Sulu) I'll
	get my doctor on to it. Picard out.
Worf: Why do I never get to blow something up?

(cut to Red Drawf, Rimmer is now looking more like his alternative from
another dimension, Ace. The large crop of hair is back, the silver suit 
is there as well as the shades)

Rimmer:  Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Lister: eh?
Rimmer: It's alright Skipper, it's me Ace. I'm here and that little goit
	is gone.
Lister: Holl, whats going on man?
Holy: We seem to have picked up a diesease from the Original Enterprise,
	Dave.
Lister: How? We haven't been on their ship.

(Kirk's stunt double walks on)

Man: Opps, wrong set.
Lister: Oh, smeg. Open hollering frequincies to the Picard.
Holly: Open.
Rimmer: Dave, I'm sure you know what your talking about, but I was
	always sure it was hailing frequincies.
Lister: Er Captain Picard, we seem to have picked up the virus from the
	Enterprise.
Picard voice over: Double shit.
Lister: Huh?
Picard: Kirks stunt double just walked in here, and Data started to sing
	like he was in a musical.
Lister: Well, we aren't in such deep shit. Rimmers the only one to be
	infected.
Picard: (rembers a previous encounter with the Red Dwarf crew) Tripple
	shit.
Lister: Oh don't worry, it's quite a nice guy actully.
Picard: To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Lister: Not you as well?
Picard:  No, not yet. I just felt like quoteing shakespear. (shocked)
	But Mr. Worf has suddenly turned into a nice guy.
Wes voice over: I know, if I reverse the energy flow here and here-
Picard: Shut up Wes. Why is there a force field around Worf and Data?
Wes: I did it.

(cut to bridge of Enterprise D)

Geordie: Captain, I can't turn off the force field. Wes has put up some
	kind of password system.
Picard: Computer, overide password to force field.
Computer: I'm not a computer, I'm Nurse Chapel.
Lister: (voice over) Lemme guess, quadruple shit?
Picard: Quadruple shit and a side serving of crap!!
Riker: (smirks and looks at Troi's cleveage)

(cut back to Red Drawf)

Lister: Lister out. Rimmer, er Ace?
Rimmer: (Now in a navy blue bussiness jacket, grey troussers and black
	boots, the familar crew cut is back) Who?
Lister: Who are you man?
Rimmer: Allow me to introduce my self. I'm Gorden Brittas, manger of
	Whitby new town leisure centre. And you are?
Lister: Lister, Dave Lister.
Rimmer: (bows down in an exaggerated way) Exxxxcenerlent. I take it your
	from Liverpool?
Lister: Er, yeah.

(Cat comes on stage)

Cat: Woa, goal post head looks even more of a fashion victim. You look
	like some losser that would manage a leisure centre now. (makes 
	devil horn signs at Rimmmer)
Rimmer: I am Gorden Brittas, and I certainly wouldn't allow you take
	your self into my leisure centre dressed like that, we have a dress 
	code you know. I'd send you off to France to meet with Jean Paul 
	Goatiea to discuss next seasons look.
Cat: Do you think I'd work with that amateur? Come on, I have my street
	cred you know!
Lister: Well I just hope that the rest of us don't come down with this
	virus.
Cat: What Virus?
Lister: Well if you played some one else in a rival TV show, you might
	wind up like them.
Cat: What about singing?
Lister: What about it?
Cat: I released a single a few years back.
Lister: Oh smeg. I hope the romulans haven't got this as well.

(insert commercial break for QVC, the shopping channel.)
QVC presents, Worfs Bat'leth sword thing, with razor sharp blade. Yes
now you too will be able to pretend that you are a Klingon Warrior and 
litteraly hack off other peoples limbs or other body parts.
QVC can accept no legal responsiblitly for any damaged caused to
yourself or others caused with playing with this toy. Not
suitable for children under six years of age due to sharpe blade. Your
home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments.

QVC also has a limited selection of star trek dolls.
Riker: Nice warp engines. (special limeted posable model.)
The holographic Doctor:  What's my name? (special limited edition comes
	equiped with MUTE and OFF buttons)
Harry Kim: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we-(sound of neck
	being broken)

(cut to enterprise)

Geordie: Captain, the Romulans are also being affected by the virus.
	There showing typical signs of extras being affected by the virus. 
	i.e they hate the main cast because of superior acting skills, jobs, 
	payment, background, etc, etc. The Captain has sealed himself in the 
	bridge and is cursing in a combination of Klingon, Vulcan and
	Romulan. The Romulan cre are just arguing amount themselves.
Picard: Aren't they being played by the Conservative party?
Geordie: Uhh yeah?
Picard: That explains it then. Who's the act-or?
Geordie: Mark Lenard. He played the first Romulan to appear in Star
	trek. He played
Spocks dad, and a Klingon.
Picard: Thought he died last year?
Geordie: This is a parody sir, anything can happen.
Picard: No 1, you have the bridge. Ill be in sick bay.
Riker: (adopts a suitable pose) Aye sir.

(back to Red Dwarf)

Cat: So what is it?
Lister: It's a virus that makes you act like someone else.
Cat: So what is it?
Kryten: It makes you think your someone else.
Cat: So what is it?
Lister: It makes you ill.
Cat: Oh! Why didn't you say so?
Lister: I did.
Rimmer: (still acting as Gorden Britass )Eeeeexcerlent, I can tell I'm
	going to get on well with you lot.
Cat: Whats wrong with him?
Kryten: He's contracted the disease.
Cat: (looks confused) He what?
Lister: He's got the illness.
Cat: I know that, I can see that. Do you think I'm stupid or something?
Kryten: In a word, yes.

(cut to Enterprise D sick bay. worf is lying on a bed, Crusher and her
medical staff are fussing over him)

Picard: (re Worf) How is he?
Crusher: Heaverly sedated, but he still smiling.
Picard: I'm worried. He wouldn't even punch Wesley for fun any more.
Crusher: Jean Luc how could you? 
Picard: Quite easliy. Everytime Wes gets on my nerves, I let Worf beat
	the crap out of him.
Crusher: So he didn't fall down the stairs?
Picard: What?
Crusher: Everytime he came home bruised, he told me he fell down the
	stairs.
Picard: We don't have any stairs on this ship.
Crusher: I know. I never realised he was lying to me. And that makes it
	worse. (starts crying. Data on another table wakes up and starts 
	singing "Theres no business like show business." Picard pulls out 
	phaser shoots him, Data shuts up and relaxes.) Why did you do that?
Picard: Do what?
Crusher: Kill him?
Picard: It's set to stun (looks at phaser) oh shit. It was on burn.
	(shot of Data chest, theres a hint of his flesh melting off his 
	chest) Shit, shit, shit, shit and a side serving of shit.
Crusher: Jean luc, please. (point to sign that says, no smoking, sex,
	cheap gags, weapons, people who have abused Wesley or swearing. 
	Have a nice day.)
Picard: Keep me informed on their condition. Computer. (no response)
	Computer.
Computer: Ah Jean luc, I'm suprised at those thoughts you have of me.
Picard: Oh no, it Trois mum.
Crusher: But its a computer.
Picard: It's got the disease. Trois mum plays the computers voices,
	nurse Chapple and No 1 in the original series original pilot.
Crusher: Say that six time fast.
Picard: Picard to Troi, come down to the sick bay.

(cut to bridge)

Troi: Captain, I sense deception.
Picard: (over intercom) Get your arse down here.
Troi: Aye sir. (looks at Riker) Will, stop looking at my cleavege.
Riker: (smirking and looking at trois cleavege) Ok. (continues to look
	at her cleavege.)
Troi: (breathes out deply, resists the urge to hit Riker and leaves.
	Riker continues to look at her as she leaves.)

(cut to sick bay Troi walks in)
Troi: Yes sir?
Picard: The com-
Computer: Hello little one.
Troi: WHAT?
Computer: Don't you regonise me?
Troi: Whats going on? I sense confusion, (Riker walks in and poses) ugh,
	perversion, unspeakable acts involving farm animals. (looks up) Oh, 
	it's you Will.
Picard: This is worse then I thought.
Troi: You mean you didn't relise how perverted he was?
Picard: Oh I knew about the pervert factor, I didn't know he liked farm
	yard animals!
Computer:  Just be glad your not a full telepath. I can see what he
	want's to do with them. Come now little one, let us away to a place 
	of sanity.
Troi: Oh shut up.

(cut to original Enterprise. Kirk walks on the bridge)

Spock: Captain on the bridge.
Kirk:(looks around) Where?
Spock: Captain you are the Captain.
Kirk: Oh. Mr Worf, lock all weapons on that Romulan Veasel.
Worf: I'm not on this ship sir.
Kirk: Oh yeah, hang on. Aren't you a Klingon?
Worf: No, I'm a ferangi.
Kirk: Oh ha ha. Get on the right set will you?

(Exunt Worf)

Kirk: Mr Sulu,
Sulu: (holding phaser in case Kirk turns in T.J.Hooker and Spock turns
	into a bodysnatcher again.) Aye sir?
Kirk: Lock and fire all weapons at that Romulan ship.
Sulu: Sir?
Kirk: You heard the order mister. Now, (sits down in chair, leans
	forward and punches the air) FIRE!

(Shot of the Enterprise firing Photons and phasers at the Warbird. Cut
to Enterprise D)

Geordie: Captain Picard to the bridge.
Picard: Coming.

(Shot of space, Borg ship comes out of the time and space hole which
promptley closes. cut to bridge of Enterprise d)

Picard: Shit.
Geordie: The hole has closed as well.
Picard: Double shit:
Geordie: And the original Enterprise is shooting at the Romulans.
Picard: Tripple shit.
Wesley: It gets worse Sir. Beavis and Butthead re-runs are on all
	channels.
Picard: ARRRGH!
Geordie: Captain?
Picard: Theres a digitiesed picture of Trois mum on this computer read
	out screen.
Geordie: Oh great. Whats it doing?
Picard: Blowing Kisses at me.
Geordie: You poor bastard.
Riker: (smirks)

(Cut to space. Borg cube makes even the Red Dwarf look small. speaking
of which)

Lister: (looking out of a window) Oh smeg!
Kryten: (Next to a table where his is preparing dinner with the egg
	whisk attachment on his groin) When is this story going to end?

( Five Borg beam on to the Red Drawf)

Cat: Uhh! I woud not be seen dead in one of those suits.
Rimmer: Welcome to Whitby new town leisure centre, how can I help you?
Borg #1: We are the Borg. Resistance is fuitile.
Rimmer: (bows low) Exxxcerlent. If you'd care to step this way.

(Lister and Kryten, still with the egg whisk attachment, grab hold of a
couple of Bazokoids and blow away two of the Borg. They fire again but they 
have no effect.)

Lister: Some kind of force field.

(A Borg grabs Rimmer and Cat) 

Borg #2: Leave the other human. He is a scouser and he stinks. 
Borg #3: Whats that hanging from the mechonoids groin?
Kryten: It's an egg whisk.

(the Borg look disgusted then teleport away.)

Kryten: they got Cat and Mr Rimmer.
Lister: Well that's one reason to cellibrate.

Uh oh, is this going to spell the end of Leisure centre management as we
know it? Or are the Borg going to become the most iritating bastards in 
shinning suits in history? Will Worf ever hit Wesley again? Will Riker ever 
give a reason for his smirking? Will Mulder every find out if there really 
is a lost city of Atlant- opps wrong parody.
To be continued.



Part 3: A smile says a lot.
 The Dwarf was attacked by the Borg and Rimmer and the cat were
abducted. Only Listers BO and the fact that Kryten had an egg whisk
attached to his groin kept the Borg away from them. The disease has
affected the Enterprise D crew and now Worf is acting like a nice guy and
Data is signing.

(Cut to Enterprise D where a similar scene to Red Drawfs Borg battle is
accuring, there are some fires, and all the lights are out except the red alert
lights)

Riker: (involved in hand to hand combat with a borg) Sir we need more
	nameless ensigns to fight the borg to save us the bother of having
	to fight them oursleves.
Picard: Talk some sense man. Nameless ensigns always die, what would
	be the point?
Wesley: Help, they got me, they got me. (Everyone ignores him)
Geordie: Hang on I've an idea. (fiddles with some buttons. Beavis and
	Butthead appears on the view screen)
Beavis: Hey, Butthead.
Butthead: What is it fartknocker?
Beavis:(seems to have his right hand inside his trousers) I'm playing
	with my self.

(The Borg surviors grab a few more ensigns including Wesley and beam
out)

Picard: Thank you god. Mr Laforge, turn that off.
Geordie: Aye sir.
Butthead: You fartknocr- (viewscreen turns off)
Riker: (Sits down in command chair) Report.
Picard: No 1, I'm still here.
Riker: (releases Picard hasn't been abducted this time.) Uhh, oh sorry
	sir. (gets out of chair and posses)
Picard: Report.
Riker: Three dead Borg, five missing Ensigns, wheres Wes?
Geordie: I think the Borg got him.
Riker: oh well. Minor fires and the light bulbs have blown.
Picard: Open a channel to the Enterprise.
Geordie Sir, this is the Enterprise. (stern look from Picard) Aye sir.

(Kirk appears on view screen)

Kirk: Hello, I'm Captain James T Kirk of the starship enterprise. Who
	are you.
Picard: I'm Jean luc Picard of the starship Enterprise D.
Kirk: Thems fighting words.
Riker: (picks out the ham sandwhich he was just stuffing into his gob
	and posses.) My hero.
Spock: They are from the future Jim. Thats a different Enterprise.
Kirk: Oh. Do you know what that giant cube is? Who were those grey men
	with the grey suits with the grey skin?
Picard: They are the Borg, that is their ship, and they've kidnapped
	about five of my men.
Geordie: And Wes sir.
Picard: Thats not a problem.
Geordie: It will be when his mother finds out about it.
Picard: Shit. (to Kirk) I see everyone is acting normally again?
Sulu: Dr McCoy managed to come up with the cure inbetween changing
	characters.  Everyone is cured now.
Picard: Can you beam us the vacine, we still have the same problem with
	our crew.
Kirk: Yes, beaming it over now.
Riker: (smirks) OW!!!
Picard: What?
Riker: They beamed it onto my foot.
Lister: (burst into the conversation) Smegging hell, Jim Kirk.
Kirk: The very same.
Picard: What is it Lister?
Lister: The Borg attacked us and kidnapped Cat and Rimmer.
Picard: They have some of my men too.
Kirk: Then we must rescue them. We'll form some away teams and use all
	of the shuttle craft to attack the borg as well as the Enterprise's.
Picard: good idea.
Lister: Get's my seal of approval.
Kirk: Good. We attack in five minutes. Ready your away team.
Riker: (posses)

(Cut to Red Drawf)

Lister: You and me Kryters had better get every gun we have and get on
	to Starbug. Holl, any external weapons on the Dwarf?
Holly: Nope, but I could reroute the space scoup and make it "fire" a
	beam at that cube.
Kryten: The Various weapons we aquired on Starbug ought to damage the
	Borg.  Especially the garbage torpedoes.
Lister: Good thinking.
Kryten: If we put your socks in as well it may cause even more damage.
Lister: Don't push it.

( insert comercial break)
The crew of Voyager have something else to be afraid of now.

Janeway: How could we have been so stupid?
Chactotay: Has the writer spelt my name right?

They forgot completly about it.

Janeway: Hope this doesn't upset anyone.
Chactotay: This is misspelt again.
Torres:Why did we have to let Nelix cook TWENTY giant size deep pan
	pizzas? all of the gel packs have broken down now.

Don't miss Star Trek Voyager on BBC 2 around 6:45 or maybe 6:40 
or maybe 6:50, just depends how we feel. We may just put it on at 7:20, 
oh we're showing tennis this week. Sorry, no Voyager.

(end commercial break)

(cut to space. Red Drawf and both Enterprise's regroup. About fifty
shuttles exit both the starships. Starbug 2 leaves Red Drawf. Both 
the Enterprises fire their phasers continusly at the borg ship 
causing masive damage at first but eventully it stops damageing 
the ship. Both Enterprises Fire spreads of eight Photon torpedoes 
at the Borg, causing several large holes to appear in the Borg Ship. 
Then the shuttles start to attack these areas while the Enterprise's 
fire at the Damage. Cut to transporter room of Enterprise D Picard, 
Riker, Data, Geordie, Worf and twelve yellow
shirted ensigns are about to beam over.)

Picard: Chief, energise.
O'Brian: Aye sir. (O'Brian does his thing. Cut to original Enterprise.
Kirk, Spock,
McCoy, Scot, Sulu, Checkov and a dozen nameless red shirts are on the
	transporter pads)

Kirk: Transporter Chief Kyle beam us over.
Kyle: Aye sir. (Kyle does his thing. Cut to Starbug)

Lister: Fireing lasers at that part of the cube. (cut to borg cube. A
	couple of laser blasts take out a section of the hull.) Fire the
	garbage torpedoes. (cut to Borg cube again as the garbage
	torpedoes hit making an even bigger hole. Starbug powers
	through it.)
Kryten: What are you doing sir? We need to be outside where our
	different weapons will be able to confuse the Borg.

(Starbug fires more lasers and another two garbage torpedoes. The Borg
ship is for some reason unable to adjust to the torpedoes.)

Lister: Kryten, how come they aren't adapting to the torpedoes?
Kryten: I'm putting in your dirty laundery, at a rate of one extra dirty
	sock per torpedoe.
Lister: What I'm I supposed to wear?
Kryten: I had washed five pairs and their in safe keeping sir.

(Starbug shoots through another section of Borg ship and crashes into
the habitat section. An Exterior shot of the Borg ship shows that the hole
starbug traveled through is smoking. Cut to Habitat section on a different
level. Picard and co have met up with Kirk's team. Riker is of course
possing.)

Picard: If we merge our efforts we can rescue our team mates, and maybe
	even Wes.
Kirk: Why don't you like the boy?
Picard: He's a pain in the ass, keeps saving the ship when it should be
	me. In fact he reminds me of his father, and that is what prevents
	me from making a move on Bev.
Kirk: Why?
Picard: Because I'm responsible for the death of the boys father- 

(a Borg walks by.)

Worf: BORG! (fires phaser, Borg falls down dead Worf changes setting.)
Riker: (smirks) Nice move, now they now we'r here.
Worf: Then we will die an honrible, glorious death.
Kirk: Why did you change settings?
Data: The Borg can adapt to any kind of weapon, so we change the
	frequency of the phasers.
Kirk: (to his men) Set phasers to kill, different settings per phasers.
	(he and his men do so.) picard what are you doing?
Picard: (ripping the borg to pieces) i'm looking for the *insert tech
	speak here* that controls this Borg. (rips more of the Borg apart)
	Ahh here it is. 
Item that I don't know the name of: I don't believe it. Get up kick
	there ass, I command you!
Picard: (to Geordie) Do you think you can scan this to find out what
	they have done to the prisoners?
Geordie: Oh yeah, I'll just hook it up to this tricorder. (he does so)
McCoy: Why did you say *insert tech speak here*?
Picard: The writter forgot what the device is called and put that in
	there so some production guy can put in some tech babble latter.
Scotty: (to a confused Kirk) Happen all a the time Cap'ain.
McCoy: How come we have so few lines in this episode.
Worf: Because your stories are considerd over the top, as is your
	acting.
McCoy: Why you lavendar blooded son of a politician.
Worf: You are intierly correct 
McCoy: I was insulting you, you pony tailed wimp!
Worf:(thinks for a minute) Klingon honour demands that I now kill you.
Data: Klingon honour always demands that you kill someone.
Worf: Ah ha! Klingon honour now demands that I... ignore you, yeah
	ignore you.
McCoy: Yeah right. (blasts a Borg that was behind worf) Now what does
	your honour demand?
Worf: That I rape you in a violent method.
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a women.
Data: Actullty doctor anyone can become a victim of rape, for ins-.
Geordie: Captain! I found something out. The Borg have assimilated all
	the Nameless ensigns and redshirts they captured, and the Cat is
	being assimilated right now,
Rimmer is next then Wes.
Picard: Yegads. The order of increasing anoyance no doubt, lets move.
Spock: That is the logical thing to do.

(They all start to run. Cut to space battle. The Borg has shot down
another shuttle whilst the others are regouping. The Enterprise's shoot
more phasers, this time at different settings. The Borg ship is damaged.
Cut to Enterprise D bridge. Crusher is in the Captains chair.)

Crusher: Crusher to shuttles, regroup in attack pattern delta. Helm,
	attack pattern alpha, activate the deflector array. We'll blast them
	with that at full power.
Helm: Sir, if we do that we'll have very little energy left to fire
	phasers with.
Crusher: I have the whole of engineering working on it. Fire the
	photons.
Helm: Photons had no effect.
Crusher: Chief, I need you to alter the photons to damage the Borg ship
	somehow.
O'Brian: what all a them?
Crusher: No, just some of them.
O'Brian: I can change about five of them before me tea break.
Crusher: Do it during your tea break and you'll get a raise.
Ro: Sir! Uh, Ma'am. The Romulans are joining in the attack on the Borg.
Crusher; That'll give them another weapon to worry about.
Ro: The Red Drawf isn't attacking.
Crusher: It doesn't have any external weapons.
Ro: Well that scoup thing is busidly being reconfigured.
Crusher: What?
Ro: It's the big thing at the front of the ship, but thats not important
	right now.

(cut to away team. Picard and Kirk are arguing over whos in command.)

Kirk; this is my time line, I'm in command here.
Picard: Well I know more about these bastards then you do.
Spock: (to Riker) You Captain does not seem to respect the Borg,
	something that captain Kirk has always done in the past.
Riker: The Captain was assimilated once by the Borg, (Spock raises
	eyebrow) but hes alright now.
Spock: Ahh.
Picard: Alright, you lead your team, I'll lead mine.
Kirk: Fine.
Picard: Glad we agree on something. This way.
Kirk: No, this way.
Spock: Captain Picard is heading in the right direction sir.
Kirk: Whos side are you on?
Spock: Our side. It's just illogical to go the wrong way.
McCoy: (looks upwards) I hate Vulcans.

(three minutes later)

Scotty: We've been wandaring a roond for ages Cap'nans. When are we
	going to find the missing men?

(before Spock can give him the exact amount of time, a Borg wanders
down the coridoor)

Picard: It's is, or was Ensign Smith.
Riker: The one that was sucked out into space in that airlock accident?
Data and spock; Blown out into space. (Look at each other)
Spock: Fascinating.
Data: Intriging.
Riker: Oh boy.
Picard: That was a different Smith.
McCoy: It always is.
Worf: Ensign Smith. Attention.
Smith of Borg:  We are the Borg, attention is irrelevent.
Worf: (levels phaser) Die.
Smith of Borg: Death is irr- (phaser burns into his chest, he falls down
	dead)
Riker: Good shooting Tex.
Worf: Klingon honour demands that I disembowl him and then behead
	him.
Picard: No time, this way. (they walk off down another corridoor.)

(Insert commercial break.)
Hello. I'm the director of the BBC. I just wanted to remind you that this is
	BBC 2 your watching. As every one with sense knows the BBC do
	not advertise things other then our own shows. We would like to
	inform you that--*^$%%$"-=+ 

(A man wearing a Bill Gates mask appears)
Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I  just did that for fun.
(Back to enterprise D)

Crusher: Did we really need that add?
Ro: No, but it is kinda funny.
Crusher: Only to nerds who spend way too much time on their computer.
Ro: True.
Crusher: Hows the photons coming along, Chief?
O'Brian: (in photon launcher) I got ten for you sir.
Crusher: Ok, nameless officer at tactitcle. Fire!
O'Brian: Hang on let me get out of here!
Crusher: Delay that order. (no reply) Hello, (turns round) Oh. (Two
	ensigns are lying on the tactitlcle dead) Chief, you out of there?
O'Brian: aye sir.
Crusher: Ro, fire those torpedoes!
Ro: Ayr sir. Direct hit, major damage. I don't know what he put in them,
	but it worked.
Crusher: What did you put in them?
O'Brian: Romulan ale. That stuff's garunteed to wreck anything. Ask Kirk
	and co.

(cut to outside Starbug)

Lister: (shots two Borg who fall down dead) What did you put in these
	rounds Kryten?
Kryten: I had put in more of your socks. The Borg just can't adapt to
	the various organisms living in them because they mutate all the
	time, and they smell like only your larger lout scouser socks can.
Lister: Smeg, your kidding?
Kryten: Well I gave them a helping hand with some genetic engineering.
	(Shoots another Borg) it boosted the smell ten fold.
Lister: Which way?
Kryten: This way. (Follows a corridoor and turns left. Lister follows, a
	few minutes later they come back to junction and turn to the right.)
Picard: (bumps into Lister) Watch where you- Oh! What is that smell?
Lister: Our ammo.
Riker: What?
Kryten: We've mixed mister Listers underware and socks with the
	bazokoids ammo. The Borg just can't adapt to it. Now how do we
	rescue the others?
Geordie: The Tricorder says their in here. (points to forbidding door
	that is locked solid.) And it seems that the Borg are having trouble
	connecting the Cat to the collective.

(cut to Borg room Cat is being dressed up in borg equipment, Rimmer is
in his Gorden Brittas personna is also Borgified but not connected, Wesley
looks scarred but isn't Borgified yet, there's about fifty Borgs.)

Cat: No I'm not wearing this. Grey just ain't my colour.
Borg#1: Colour prefrence is irelevent.
Cat: Can't it be in gold, I like gold.
Borg#2: What a pain in the ass.
Borg#3: Agreed.
Borg#1: Pain is irelevent. Agrement is irelevent.
Borg#4: Connect him to the collective. 

(several Borg grab Cat and drag him to a table where cables are put in
his head.)

Cat: Look, uh guys. I ain't even human, I evovled into human like form.
	I mean I'm descendent from Cats.
Borg#2 & #3: Humans are irelevent, Cats are irelevent. (There's a scream
	from Cat as he is connected to the collective.)
Borg#4: All of that is irrelevnt.
Wesley: Why didn't you say all of that one at a time instead of summing
	it all up like you did?
Borg#4: To save time.
Wesley: Ahh.
Cat: (wakes up) I am Fe-line of Borg. Coolness is irrelevant.
Rimmer: (changes to Ace) Smoke me a kipper, we are in shit now. (starts
	to kick the crap out the Borgs near him, pulls out a gun and shoots
	two of them before the rest adapt.) O.K. Cat come with me. Nice
	suit.
Cat: I am Fe-line of Borg. You will be assimilated. (jumps him so quick
	Ace can't react to it and they fall to the floor. Ace knocks his head
	against the floor.)
Rimmer:  ugh. (loses conciseness.)
Fe-line: Connect him.
Borg#2: (Grabs Rimmer and connects the cable to Rimmers head.)
Borg#4: (nursing a sore arm) Begin.

(Rimmer changes to a grey skinned Borg)

Fe-line: Connect the boy.

OHMYGOD!! Have the Borg gone suicidial? What affect would Wesley's
connection to the Borg do to the universe? Who will clone president
Clintons brain first? Don't you have to have one first? Good point.
To be continued.